Chains of Memory
by Lestaki
Summary: It's difficult to use a second chance when you can't even remember there was a first time. It's even harder when those memories start coming back... Chikane X Himeko, post-series, and others. Current status in my profile.
1. Chapter 1

**Chains of Memory: Part 1**

There are some ChikaHime (?!) fics now so there's a pressure to bring something new to the table, but this is just a plain depiction of the lives of a psychotic lesbian stalker with erstwhile magical powers and her equally ex-magical crush (after their reincarnation). Please don't expect too much.

It's amazing how many yuri anime that line works on.

* * *

Waiting.

For a quiet and ordinary person like me, a quiet and ordinary place like Mahoroba is something natural. If you were to put it into words, it would be 'the place where I belong'.

That's what I should feel. When I was younger, I felt that way, and I felt that I would stay that way forever. In this country and in this world there are many more outstanding places, but Mahoroba would always be enough for me. It was a peaceful place and I relished that. Others complained- it was a boring, over-traditional place, they said- but when I was younger I didn't really understand that. Or rather, it isn't as if I didn't understand. I knew why people would feel that way, but for someone like me, who went to an outstanding school and had outstanding friends… it wasn't something I resented to know those things were coincidence, and I was altogether an ordinary person. So I thought I'd be happy to stay at my 'home' forever.

But it's not really possible for a teenage girl to sincerely wish for a merely ordinary life… or perhaps that's just how I feel. As time passed it felt like I was waiting for something, though it was never a sensation I could quite understand or rationalise. And the things I watched and the things I read, the world I tried to catch in my camera and the world I saw in my dreams, they were all about things that were a little more than ordinary and a little less than bizarre. A world I could imagine myself living in, if I closed my eyes and concentrated.

So you could certainly say that I had ordinary dreams.

Though it wasn't just anything extraordinary that I was looking for. If I'm honest, I've always experienced fortunate things, since I have wonderful friends. And there are plenty of teenage girls who would call me stupid for rejecting the kind of chance I rejected, and the more I read and think I wonder whether I've already received my fairy tale, and turned it down. It's not as if I don't understand that reasoning. But it would be foolish to do something like that half-heartedly just because it was a dream-like scenario. These things require conviction. And that may be why I turned him down. For someone like me, whose life is peaceful rather than passionate, who likes enjoyable things and can't really bear hard things and sad things, making a dream into reality is probably impossible. So rather than end up feeling disillusioned, it's best to hold onto the purity of that fantasy for it's own sake. That's what I began to tell myself. And when I moved to Tokyo, that was just what young people did, even if I was ordinary I could still experience fun and interesting things. Receiving an education and holding onto my friends without any apprehension of the future… I'm still a peacefully ordinary person.

And I was satisfied with my wordless, formless, wavering dream. Just holding onto that feeling was enough for me.

That's why I was astounded. It was just an ordinary day and ordinary people in this crowded place surrounded me. The sun beat down as I walked, and then I saw her. She was dressed all in white, an elegant dress, long and beautiful blue hair, it's natural she'd make people pay attention to her just by being. I felt a rush of admiration for her that I couldn't understand. She was beautiful, but it wasn't just for her beauty, there was some quality that stopped me, something I couldn't ignore. And it was then that I saw her pendant with a perfect clarity. It didn't make any sense, I was surely mistaken, but what a rush of emotion I felt then. It came from within, and I didn't really understand enough to put into words what I felt… exaltation, an admiration, a sorrow, and a fear… a painfully intense feeling that made my heart skip. It felt like a connection. A connection between this beautiful person and me isn't something that can exist to begin with. But it gave me that feeling and for a moment my dreams took form, gained an image, she was part of them and I could almost see it in my mind's eye… laughing, talking, smiling, a happy friendship… then why sadness? But that feeling faded almost as fast as it had come as I reigned in my fancies. It's altogether too weird to think that way about someone you've… never met…

She stopped.

It took me a moment to register the fact that she had stopped; she was looking at _me_. I had a mad impulse to look over my shoulder and check to make sure she wasn't waiting for someone else, but somehow her eyes caught me and held me. They were a deep, incredible blue. I don't normally notice eyes but hers were so vivid, so bright, yet so focused and intense it was impossible to ignore- I was babbling inside my head again, and with difficulty I remembered to be mortified. I should… I should… it was no good, I couldn't think, I couldn't see anything but those eyes, and the emotions I'd been holding back welled up again uncontrollably. I wasn't myself. I wasn't myself at all. All I knew was that I was more sad and more happy than I could even comprehend.

It felt like there were thoughts in my head that I can't recall, words to match that feeling. I don't remember them. But I did move forwards, and I did raise my arms, and-

I only came to myself after that and something cool and soft was pressed against my cheek, and my arms were wrapped round her back and it was comfortable and my god I had just hugged her in the middle of the street! Without so much as saying a word! What the hell was wrong with me?

I pulled myself away, brushing furiously and trying to find my tongue so I could apologise. But nothing seemed to be working.

Her hands also slid to her sides, and I was almost sure I still felt the shadows of her arms around me. That was impossible. Or had she just gone along with it out of bewilderment? When I looked at her face she was completely stunned and bemused, and she raised a hand as if to say something before stopping. If anything, I felt even more mortified.

I knew what I had to do. Bow down and apologise straight away. But somehow I couldn't do that. I think I was still numb from some kind of shock.

In the end, she was the one who found her voice first. "Ah… I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I don't quite recall…" she trailed off abruptly, and her face slid into a kind of concentration. "Ah… Kawakami-san, is it?" she asked speculatively.

I blinked, finally finding my voice. "Yes?"

"Yuina Kawakami, from my thirteenth birthday party," she said, sounding a little more certain. Then she glanced at me. "Or… am I mistaken?" Amazingly, she wasn't blushing, but she didn't look very composed.

"Uh…" Apologise! "That's right," I said inanely. "I was just surprised you remembered."

"Ah," the girl gave me a strange look. "Not at all. I'm very sorry that I almost forgot." She bowed her head again. "It's a pleasure to meet you again."

"No, not at all," I said, waving my hand vaguely. "I'm sorry I startled you. It's been a while, hasn't it?"

What the hell am I doing, weak-willed me? I can hear Mako-chan laughing at me already.

"It has," she said, straightening up. She actually smiled, which made me feel even more foolish. "You've grown up so much, so you'll have to forgive me. You look very healthy."

But somehow there's no way I want this person to think of me as a freak. If it's just a chance encounter, I only have to keep this up for long enough… no, rather, I should be looking to escape at the next possible moment, right?

"Thank you very much," I said, smiling. She complimented me… is not something to be happy about in this situation! "You also look beautiful and, uh… mature, you've matured a lot, haven't you?"

"That's what I'd like to think, but I'm told I have a long way to go," she said amicably. "Thank you for your kindness, all the same."

"Not at all," I said blankly. Getting away should be what she wants too, so why do I have this feeling of hesitation?

"So what brings you here?" she asked politely, shifting the strap of her back up her shoulder as she began to walk towards the sidewalk. "It's best if we don't stand in the middle of the road…"

"Me? I'm just going for a walk right now," I said, rubbing my hair nervously with my right hand as I followed her. Which doesn't sound very convincing. "And yes, of course. I just got here so it feels like getting to know the area is important, right?"

I watched her expression carefully. If this… Yuina lives here I'm completely screwed. Why am I doing this again?

"I can understand that feeling," she said. "Since I'm new here, I have a similar purpose. I'm going to meet with Sugiyama-san."

"I see," I said, lying through my teeth. "Is it a long walk?"

"About ten minutes from here," she said calmly. "Of course, he's particular with his appointments, though… it's a little troublesome."

I took the hint, then decided to stuff. If this was a dream, I'd go with my intuition rather than normal standards. Besides, I'm not even Himeko right now. I'm Yuina something, and that's giving me a strange courage. "Ah. Do you mind if I tag along that far? I've got nothing else to do, and it's good to see a friendly face."

Yes, this isn't like me at all. But in a surreal situation like this the less like my normal self I am, the better. Wherever this reckless boldness comes from, I'll go with it and smile as hard as I can. All so I can talk to this girl whose name I don't know…

"Of course," the girl said, her tone rather more neutral than her words. "That would be fine."

"I'm glad," I said, following her as she started to walk down the road. I looked sidelong at her as I tried to work out what to say. She really was beautiful… "Ah. Have you noticed?" I said suddenly. "We have the same kind of pendant."

She looked down at mine, narrowing her eyes with a surprising intensity, then raised her left hand and lifted up her own. "That's true, isn't it? It's quite a coincidence… my father had this made for me, so I didn't think there were others."

"Ah! Me too!" I said over-enthusiastically. She gave me a strange look again, but I fought back a blush. "I mean, this was also made by my father. Since I found a pretty shell on the beach when I was young, he said he'd make a pendant out of it." I picked it up myself, smiling and looking down at it. "It's a little simple, but it's an important possession of mine."

"I suppose… my feelings are similar," she said. "But, it really is a coincidence, isn't it? Not just the concept, but the shells themselves." She looked thoughtfully at me. "Could I borrow that for a moment?"

"Uh, sure," I said hesitantly. I reached back, untying it. When I looked sideways again she was doing the same thing. Hers was different from mine, though. Mine was so plain, but she had a beautiful silver chain, bright against her pale skin. That really felt like a metaphor.

"Thank you for humouring me." She took it with her left hand, and adjusted it carefully, before bringing both hands together.

Since she was looking down with such concentration I had a chance to steal another glance at her face. She had a white headband, too, and her skin was almost flawless. She really was a beautiful person. It was a little intimidating, realising that.

When she pulled her right hand away, they were balanced against each other, fitting beautifully. "Ah…" She looked startled again. "This is... an amazing coincidence."

I wonder what her boyfriend looks like. He must be really handsome and probably rich as well. She doesn't look like someone just anyone could go out with… or is she so kind she doesn't discriminate like that? She doesn't seem like a cold or arrogant person.

"This just goes to show strange chances do happen in this world… Kawakami-san?"

I blinked out of my speculative trance. "Yes, you're right," I said automatically, looking down at the shells. They were beautifully aligned, and for some reason I felt my heart lurch again. Yes, this was the connection. The dream's connection. "It's really rare. Oh, and calling me Yuina is fine."

"Really?" She gave me another strange look before smiling. "I see. If that's the case, then please call me Chikane."

Yes! I found out her name! Go me! "Chikane-chan," I said, testing the sound. She looked at me as if I'd hugged her again, making me flush slightly. That wasn't strange, was it? I guess just saying it at random is strange, after all.

"Ah. But you've shown me something quite unique," Chikane said, staring at the shells again. I tried to suppress the thought that they were more interesting than I was being right now. After a moment she pulled them apart, pushing my shell into my hands. "Thank you."

"Not at all," I said, feeling slightly puzzled. I mean, it's an amazing coincidence, but… no, it's best to go with this feeling. It's better for me, right? "But it really is surprising, isn't it?"

"Yes." Chikane looked down at her pendant for a moment, before tying it around her neck. She reached into her bag and pulled out her phone, deftly flicking it open. "Ah… if we don't hurry I'm going to be late."

"That would be bad, wouldn't it?" I asked nervously. "Shall we run?"

"I won't go as far as that. We'll just have to pick up the pace a little." Chikane set off, walking very fast.

I hurried after her, briefly jogging to catch up. Even if she says that, I can't keep up with her fast walk without running a little. "I'm sorry," I said. "It's because I've been distracting you too much."

"Don't worry about it," Chikane said calmly. "It's my own fault for stopping to examine the shells. Even so, I'll still be on time."

"That's good." Her face was very composed. She looks my age, but it's hard to imagine that she really is… I've only just met her, but Chikane's different from normal people. I can tell that already.

"Ah."

I shook my head. No, I can't afford to be overawed all the time. I need to be interesting and impress Chikane, and then… then what? I'm still Yuina, aren't I?

"How is your family doing?" Chikane asked, glancing briefly at me. "Your mother is prone to sickness, if I recall… I hope she's as well as can be expected."

Yep. Still Yuina. I smiled vaguely. "We're all fine, thank you. How about your family?"

"They're fine. Father says he misses me, but it can't be helped," Chikane said. "That's the most trouble they're having, as usual."

I scratched my cheek nervously. "I guess this is what you get with people our age, right? Leaving the nest, or something…"

"Ah. I can understand father's feelings, but I'm an adult now. It isn't as if I haven't been away for long periods before, either."

I nodded. "Are you going to a university here?"

"Yes. The University of Tokyo for Economics." Chikane glanced at me. "And you?"

I winced slightly. That definitely suits my image of Chikane-chan. "I'm studying History at Tokyo Metropolitan…"

"Ah," Chikane said thoughtfully. "That sounds very interesting. I take it you like the subject?"

I nodded. "I suppose so. I didn't really have a strong idea of what I wanted to do, so I just went with something that seemed interesting. It makes me feel a little bad, though."

"Hmm," Chikane hummed, glancing at me again. "I see. In my case, of course, I was expected to take a path like this… though I don't object to it either."

"I see. That sounds like you." I rubbed my nose bashfully, trying to think of something to say. "A friend of mine is going to the University of Tokyo this year… he's Ogami-kun, Soma Ogami. He's doing Law. Maybe you'll meet him."

"I see." Chikane closed her eyes. "Have I heard that name before? Well, never mind. What is he like?"

"Uhm… dark hair, brown eyes, handsome, good at everything," I said. "He's great at tests and sports and rides a bike. But he's not arrogant at all; he's a kind and good person. And he can be a little shy, too, but he was really popular at school."

"He sounds like a very good person," Chikane said. "I'm sure it will be hard to miss someone like that. Where did he go to school?"

"Ototachibana Academy," I said. "We went together."

"Ototachibana, Mahoroba?" Chikane asked sharply.

I nodded.

"I see… that's why I'd know." Chikane walked on ahead slightly, turning a corner into a street with several high-rise buildings. "Perhaps you know the manor up on the hill? The family who live there?"

"The Himemiya," I said, nodding. "They're said to own most of Mahoroba, but they're very kind people. When the school gym burnt down in a fire, they funded its replacement just by themselves. And Isato Himemiya was the school's idol. He's an amazing person. From an incredibly rich and successful business family, right?"

"Thank you for that," Chikane said coolly. "That family is of my family, Uncle Takuma and Aunt Shima Himemiya and Isato."

"So then you're a Himemiya?" I said abruptly, glancing at her in surprise. I stopped dead as I realised what I'd just done.

"Yes. My name is Chikane Himemiya," she said, turning her head and staring at me. "Though you wouldn't know that, since I know for absolute fact that Yuina Kawakami studied at a school far away from Mahoroba."

"Oh…" I blushed furiously. "I see."

"Good day." She turned and walked away.

I blinked rapidly, raising a hand. "Wait! I want to apologise!"

She ignored me.

"Chikane-chan!" She stopped suddenly as I ran towards her. "At least let me apologise and explain, first!"

"I'm in a hurry," Chikane said, glancing back at me with cold eyes.

"Please just let me say something first," I said boldly, stopping right in front of her. I wasn't sure why I was suddenly talking so loudly instead of rolling into a ball and wishing I was dead. I guess I didn't want to be despised. "Are you angry?"

Chikane frowned at me. "I'm not angry, since it was my mistake… I am a little annoyed, though."

"Of course you'd be annoyed." I bowed my head. "I'm really, really sorry! I'm not going to ask for forgiveness or anything like that, but could you please just listen to me before you go?"

Chikane sighed, smiling slightly. "Please be concise, at least…"

"Well, there's not much to say, if I think about it," I admitted, rubbing the back of my head. "I, when I first saw you, I… I think I thought I recognised you from somewhere, I'm not sure. But I felt a really nostalgic and happy feeling, so I couldn't control myself…" I flushed. "I thought you were someone else. A childhood friend, or something?"

"It's not utterly impossible that we've seen each other before," Chikane said. She turned to face forwards again. "But it is more likely you're mistaken. Shall we keep walking?"

"Okay." I hurried to catch up with her again. "And after I'd done that, I was so embarrassed, I didn't know what to do. So when you said that… I guess I just took the line of least resistance." I looked down at my feet. "I'm a really weak person."

"It's okay, I suppose. I'm not offended." Chikane glanced at me. "Besides which, weak? You're still talking to me, aren't you? Isn't that persistence something?"

"I'm bothering you when you're in a hurry," I said, scratching my nose and glancing apologetically at her. "But I don't want you to hate me, so I don't have a choice."

"I don't hate you." Chikane looked away again, her expression thoughtful. "And I also experienced a sense of familiarity when I first met you… I suppose it's conceivable we really did meet at some point. I don't remember, though."

"It feels like I should remember better," I said weakly. "But I don't."

"Hm. What is your name, then?" Chikane asked.

I blushed again. "Himeko. Himeko Kurusugawa."

Chikane closed her eyes. "I pride myself at being good with names, but I don't remember you at all."

"I'm sorry for that." I glanced at her, feeling a little bold. "And, I'm not sure if this is possible now, but if it is, I'd like it if we could start again… if you call me Himeko, and I'll call you Chikane…"

Chikane looked me in the eyes, her expression thoughtful. "I don't know about weak, you're the boldest person I've met in a while."

I flushed, looking down. "This isn't really the normal me, though… maybe this is my way of apologising…"

Chikane frowned for a moment, then turned away. "Well, if you think about it, lying a little is normal when you're making acquaintances. It's inappropriate to be offended just by that."

I blinked. "So you'll forgive me?"

"You're leaving me no choice, Kurusugawa-san," Chikane said, giving me an amused smile.

"Himeko!" I said suddenly. "If it's Chikane-chan, it has to be Himeko."

Chikane blinked slowly. "Himeko, then."

"That's right," I said, looking ahead again. "But I'm relieved. I was sure you were going to hate me."

"If I was honest, I didn't really understand the entire situation from start to finish," Chikane said. "If that's the case, hating someone is really quite hard."

"That's not really something that makes me happy, you know," I said, pouting.

Chikane giggled. "I'm sorry for that. But it wasn't all bad. The shells are amazing, and you've given me an interesting time."

"I hope you're not laughing at me," I said mournfully, before blinking. "Ah, you're going to be late, aren't you?"

"A little," Chikane said, turning on her feet and walking backwards while smiling at me. "But '_could me please just listen to me before you go'_ is what you said, so I don't have a choice. Besides, if I tell Sugiyama-san I'm sure he'll understand instantly."

"Please don't do that. I've been embarrassed enough already," I said weakly.

"Oh, really? I'll have to see what I can do." Chikane gave me a light-hearted smile before turning and walking forwards again.

Even though she's so beautiful and together, she has this side to her as well. She really does seem like a good person. I followed after her, feeling my tension ease for the first time in what felt like a week. "I'm sorry I lied to you, but most of what I said was true… well, if I think about it, that's what got me in trouble in the first place."

"I was wondering earlier than that," Chikane said. "Yuina Kawakami only looked a little like you, and though I don't know her older self at all, I'm sure she'd address me in a different way."

"Am I being too formal, then?" I asked. "If I think about it, you're one of the amazing Himemiya… is Himemiya-san better?"

"No, it has to be Chikane-chan," Chikane mimicked. I giggled despite myself. "But I think it's best if you do what you're comfortable with," Chikane said, looking ahead again. "Besides, you began by hugging me. There's not much point in trying to step back, is there?"

I smiled weakly. "I suppose it's a little hard to take that back."

"It certainly is," Chikane said. She stopped at the base of a tall office building at some point. "This is where I'm going. So I imagine I'll be parting with you here."

I nodded, my face falling slightly. "I… see."

"Yes." Chikane gave me a slightly embarrassed look. "Well, good-bye."

"Bye-bye," I said, trying not to sound disappointed. The sight of her back was enough to move me again. "Uhm… Chikane-chan, could I see you again?"

Chikane stopped, glancing back at me in surprise.

I flushed slightly. "I mean, I made such a fool of myself today, so if it's possible I'd like to find a way to make it up to you… or something like that…" My heart fell at her blank face. "I guess it's impossible, though."

"I'd," Chikane said, pausing for a moment. "I think I'd like that very much- Himeko." I wasn't sure whether she was guarded or just nervous, but she sounded like that. It was rather sincere.

"Okay!" I fumbled through my bag, trying to locate my mobile. Of course, Chikane had already pulled hers out in a flash and was ready to type. "Trade numbers, and I'll phone you at some point. Though I don't know when Chikane is free, it seems like you're a busy person."

"We can discuss that easily enough," Chikane assured me. "I'll be more than happy to talk to you."

"Thanks," I said. I'm not sure how, but it seems like I managed to make a good impression despite everything I messed up. No, it's too early to say that. Chikane-chan's really polite, so perhaps she's going to give me a wrong number or something like that, rather than telling me directly. It's hard to be sure.

She gave me what seemed like her number happily enough, though, and took my own. "Then… I'll see you later," she said, flushing slightly.

"Okay," I said weakly. "I'll definitely call." She doesn't look very confident. Maybe despite that aura, Chikane isn't very good at these things either. Or maybe I'm just embarrassing her. I bowed to hide my face. "See you later."

"Goodbye, Himeko." Chikane paused for a moment. "It was nice meeting you."

I watched her back as she walked into that tall, scary building with something approaching awe. I don't know whether it's Chikane's politeness or Chikane's sense of a good meeting… but there's something very wrong with what she just said compared to what I just did. It makes me a little happy, though.

I turned on my heel, walking back down the street in a daze. I wasn't acting like myself at all. With all the things I'd done, you'd think I was drunk, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't. I flushed. I'd hugged her so randomly. No, right now, I felt like I needed to be drunk to try and forget everything. But in-between all the stupid mistakes I managed to get this far, even though I'm usually timid and don't really meet new people at all. Is this the first step on that road? Am I going to get better at this? Because it feels like if every new friend is going to be this nerve-wracking I'll die before I have more then fifteen of them.

No, if it's anyone else, they'd have called me weird, or a stalker, or something. It's because Chikane's so kind that I managed to get this far. Maybe she just took pity on me. But I don't think I mind. Somehow, a small and rather shameless part of me says that anything she thinks is fine, just so long as I have a chance to get to know her. That way, I'll have a chance to show off my better points to her. Whatever they are. But if she didn't ever see me again, she'd never know me at all. And if you compare the embarrassment I'm currently feeling to that, it seems like I've come out okay.

I mustn't think that Chikane-chan's anything like me, though. Someone as beautiful and kind and cool as that must have dozens of friends. There's no need to get happy just yet. Or-

I slapped my forehead, sighing deeply. This was going to drive me round in circles. I'd been given way too much to think about, and the more I did that, the more embarrassed and scared and upset I was going to get. I wish I was like Mako-chan. She just goes on a run when she gets like this, and pushes everything out of her head.

Mako-chan.

I checked my watch, wincing at the time. Oh. I broke into a run, hurriedly rooting through my bag to locate my mobile again. I hurriedly rang her number and pressed it to my ear. "Mako-chan?"

"_We've been waiting ten minutes, Himeko! Where are you?"_

"Uhm…" I looked around. "I'm… not sure…"

"_You're not sure?" _Mako-chan sighed in exasperation. _"What have you managed to do now?"_

"I'm sorry, Mako-chan, it's my fault," I said hurriedly, running down the road. "I forgot-"

"_You forgot? How the hell did you forget? You were talking about this this morning!"_

"Not that," I panted. "But I met this person and that totally drove it out of my mind…"

"_Just because you met someone? I feel so loved!"_

"I'm sorry," I repeated hastily. "It was an accident. But you see, they were really smart and kind and cool, so I kinda lost track of time a little. We'd just met but it was like I didn't want to leave…"

"_You mean you've finally found a guy you're attracted to?" _Mako-chan asked. _"You're a woman at last. I won't tell Souma, though, okay? It'll be a secret."_

"That's not it," I began weakly. Just how was I going to explain anyway?

"_What's a secret? I'm right here, you know!" _Souma said, his voice muffled by distance.

"_Oh, right. Sorry about that, Himeko. But don't worry, we'll both support your romance. Right, Souma?"_

"You've got it all wrong, Mako-chan," I said as loudly as I dared. She didn't seem to be listening.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chains of Memory: Part 2**

I'm in a bit of a fix. This time around I have something of a time limit, since if my first option of a university comes through I can expect to be chained to a desk and verbally abused by middle-aged academic drill-sergeants within a month and a half. But I'm also loath to cut on my sprawling, meandering, inelegantly long style to meet my deadline. The only viable compromise? Write faster. If I can handle that.

Does anyone have an opinion on one-day updates, at least for now? It seems that may be a bit unreasonable for my ever-loyal, ever-kind readers to keep up with that... whatever my own health...

* * *

"This girl, this girl," Mako-chan complained, rubbing her fist against my head. "What kind of crazy luck do you have?"

"Mako-chan, you're strangling me," I said weakly, trying to get my neck free of her throttling embrace.

"How can I contain myself knowing there's such a silly, lucky girl at the table," Mako-chan said airily. "If I was there I'd have punched you out and saved you so much misery, but how the hell did you manage to get her number in that kind of situation? This girl…"

"But it's rare," Souma observed thoughtfully. "Kurusugawa talking to someone she doesn't know and taking the initiative like that."

I flushed slightly. "Am I being strange again?"

"No, not at all," he assured me hastily. "It's a good thing. You should be more outgoing."

"Maybe. For someone like me that isn't easy, though," I said softly. "It's really scary and tiring."

"Ahh," Mako-chan said, finally releasing my head and returning to her seat. Which was just as well, since I was pretty sure the whole café was staring at us. "So what made you do it? Is Himemiya-sama really so beautiful that not even Himeko can contain herself?" She smirked, leaning forwards. "Just hugging her out of the blue, honestly, what kind of amazing person is she? As cool as Isato-sama? Cooler? Which do you prefer?"

I looked down at my drink nervously. "It wasn't anything like that… I thought I'd seen her before, or something. I'd say I was just mad, but Chikane-chan said something similar, so maybe it isn't impossible."

"Chikane-chan? Chikane-chan?" Mako-chan sighed theatrically. "I give up. You have no concept of scale at all."

"Having ties to Mahoroba, that feeling, and the shells," Souma observed. "It isn't impossible you knew each other somehow. If she visited her relatives, or came to a town so associated with them, or even if she looked at Ototachibana as a school she might go to, and toured it…" he glanced at me. "Something like that."

"Well, I guess that's possible, but I really don't remember anything specific," I said. "Just a happy and a sad feeling."

"This is a problem because you're an empty-headed girl," Mako-chan complained, giving me a wan smile. "Come on, tell us more about her. What does she look like? Talk like? Seem like?"

"Umm…" I tried to work out where to begin. "Dressed all in white, and her hair's an amazing blue colour, and it comes to her waist. She's get blue eyes, that are, you know, they're beautiful but really intense, so it's almost a little scary. And white skin… she's really pale, but in a good way. And her fingernails-"

"Okay, we get the idea," Mako-chan said, waving a hand. "No more, you'll make Souma cry."

"Hey, don't just decide things like that on your own," Souma retorted, folding his arms.

"Besides, this is what I'd expect of Isato-sama's cousin, but I don't remember seeing a person like that at all," Mako-chan said. "It sounds like something you'd remember, at least."

I nodded. "Right? I thought so too. That's why I was wondering whether it was when I was really young or something."

"If it's childhood friends, you'd think that we'd both have a chance to remember that, though," Souma said. He frowned. "I don't remember at all."

"Man, mysteries are no fun if you can't figure anything out," Mako-chan complained. "Are you sure you don't remember seeing her picture somewhere? If it's a Himemiya, that's the kind of stuff that happens from time to time, so maybe you just got her face into your head from there."

"Not at all," I said firmly. "I got into so much trouble because I didn't know she was a Himemiya to begin with, right?"

"You got into so much trouble because you're a clumsy girl who's too shy to say her own name," Mako-chan said reproachfully. "Putting that aside, though, I'm sure you're right… it sounds like she's only a little like Isato-sama, too." She gave me a suspicious look. "You've never hugged him, right?"

I giggled. "There's no way that could be possible, right?"

"No, if it's this girl, I'm taking nothing on faith," Mako-chan said philosophically. "But I guess I'd have heard about that if it had happened. Right, Souma?"

"Ah." Souma closed his eyes. "And before someone asks, he never talked about his family, either. You can't expect me to know anything about his cousin."

"You can phone him up, right?" Mako-chan said, elbowing him. "Dig for information. It's for Himeko's sake, right?"

"If it's that's guy, he'd laugh it off and say I should ask her myself," Souma said sourly. "There's no way it wouldn't be misinterpreted to begin with."

"Oh, come on, you're a man, right?" Mako-chan said cheerfully. "Besides, misinterpretation… why make it that? Himeko even gave you a good word, right? Do you know if she has a boyfriend?"

"I've no idea," I said. "It's not like I know much about her to begin with, when I think about it. I mostly ended up talking about myself again."

"I'm not interested anyway," Souma said shortly, folding her arms. "Amazing or not, that kind of person is hard work."

"Chikane-chan seems like a kind person, though," I said reproachfully, before sighing. "Though it's also hard to imagine that an amazing person like her could not have a boyfriend."

"Naïve," Mako-chan said, waving a finger at me. "She's Souma's age, right? She's going to his University, right? She's probably the same as us, a poor delicate flower uprooted from wherever she lived before and dumped here all of a sudden. And only an idiot tries to keep a boyfriend from before in a situation like this. Do you know what that means?"

I shook my head, giving her an interested look. Mako-chan has a better sense than me for things like this, so it's really interesting.

"Chance," Mako-chan said theatrically, leaning back and folding her arms. "It's very probable she isn't involved with anyone right now. That's why we need to strike fast before other people do. The world won't wait for you, you have to seize the day!"

"Ahh." I brought my hands together, nodding appreciatively. "I see. That's pretty clever, Mako-chan."

"Isn't it?" she said, sounding satisfied with herself. "And that's why I leave it in your hands, Souma." She slapped him on the back.

"Ow." Souma sighed, glaring at her. "Like I said, I'm not even interested in the first place. I'm concentrating on settling in right now, there's no meaning in worrying about superfluous things."

"It's that kind of half-hearted attitude that means even you can't get a girlfriend, you know," Mako-chan groused. "It annoys me, it's amazingly annoying, you're almost as bad as Himeko!"

"Uhm… putting that aside for now," I began, waving my hands.

"Well, sorry for that," Souma said irritably. "You just think it'd be interesting, that's all. Isn't putting on trousers and going yourself fine?"

"Well, you don't have a sense of scale, either," Mako-chan shot back. "It's a Himemiya, but because it's you it's possible. You should stop whining and think about that."

"Come on, let's not fight," I said weakly. "We can take that as it goes, or something." To my surprise, the two sniffed and fell silent. "More importantly, I need to work out what I'm going to do…"

My heart turned over neatly again. Why do I have to do something so scary and difficult all of a sudden?

"Ah, so." Mako-chan sighed and folded her arms, leaning back. "I'd forgotten about that, somehow. What are you going to do?"

"Ah… I have no idea." I winced. "I didn't really plan anything at all, I was just kinda making everything up as I went alone, and then I said that."

"That's fine, that's how it should be," Mako-chan said. "It's good to see some spirit! But now's the time when we plan our next move."

"You mean we can finally talk about the actual matter in hand?" Souma asked tiredly. "This is about Himeko, you know."

"It's about vision, vision," Mako-chan said. "The world I see is fifty steps ahead of you, or something. But whether it's for her own sake or to pave the way for you, the next step is vital, right?"

I flushed, running a finger across the table. "Somehow I feel an amazing pressure from that thought…"

"There's no need to be worried," Souma said reassuringly. "You just have to act natural when you meet her, that's all. Be yourself and you'll be fine."

"As much as I hate to admit it, he isn't wrong," Mako-chan said dryly. "Trying to be something you're not isn't going to work to begin with, if you consider her stature. Just rely on the idiot charm you showed her earlier today and I'm sure she'll be convinced!"

"That's even less reassuring," I moaned. "Even I can do okay at these things too, you know! I just got a little confused today, but if I just talk to her normally-"

"Right." Mako-chan touched my hand, grinning. "Exactly. More importantly, what are you going to do? Shall we come with you? Where are you going? It's things like this you need to consider."

"Ah." I thought for a few moments. "Ah… well, since it was a promise, I thought I'd go alone. I'm the one who has to apologise to her, so anything else would feel like cheating."

"Hmm. Just you and her?" Mako-chan asked, giving me a sly look. "That kind of date-like scenario?"

I blushed. "It's not a matter of a date or anything. It's just, I want to get to know Chikane-chan, not Chikane's friends. I want her to get to know me…"

"Well, even if I tease you it's not too unusual," Mako-chan conceded. "It's possible she'll involve other people, though, it's hard to judge. Either way, we'll sit out for now. But if you hit it off, you have to drag her back to see us at some point! It's mandatory! I want to meet her too."

"I'll see what I can do," I said weakly. "Please don't have any expectations, though."

"You'll be fine," Souma repeated. "If it's Kurusugawa, you'll be fine. Just treat her normally. I don't know if she's anything like Isato, but the one thing that annoyed him most were people who didn't treat him as a normal person."

"It must be nice, being that rich," Mako-chan mumbled, resting her head on her hand and looking sideways. "Being that talented and that handsome, you get to pretend it doesn't matter at all…"

"Just bare in mind when you call him Isato-sama that he didn't ask for that," Souma said. "I'm sure his cousin will be the same. It's not as if they're unaware of these things, so they're often feeling as awkward as you, because they can't help be think of themselves as abnormal."

"It must be nice, since Souma-kun can totally empathise with their position," Mako-chan continued. "Don't expect me to understand, though."

"Well, that's why it's so awkward," Souma admitted, shrugging and smiling at me. "Kurusugawa treats people normally, so she'll be fine. I'm sure of it."

I smiled and nodded. "Thanks."

"What are you going to do, though?" Mako-chan asked. "If this was Mahoroba, I'd give you a list with times and priorities, but we don't know anything about this city. Well, beyond what everyone knows."

"Hmm… it seems like Chikane-chan's the type who likes scarily formal stuff," I said thoughtfully. "A museum or something?"

"Idiot, could you really talk freely in a museum?" Mako-chan said. "And wouldn't you bore yourself to death? If it's just the first meeting, we should probably forget scary set pieces. Just go for somewhere where the two of you can talk, or something."

Souma nodded. "A place like this… well, you could even come here if it makes you happy."

I looked around thoughtfully, trying to imagine Chikane-chan sitting on one of these tables. Would she really like a place like this? Wouldn't it be below her? But, Souma-kun said I should treat her like a normal person, so maybe that would be the wrong way to think.

"Exactly. Just think about it too hard. Don't spend too much money, either." Mako-chan sighed. "We're just poor students, having a rich friend would be so nice…"

"Mako-chan!" I said reproachfully. "That's not how I'm thinking about this. If you're going to try and sponge off her I won't even introduce you to her at all."

"Ah, she grew fangs," Mako-chan said playfully, sitting back. "Scary."

"Take this a little more seriously," Souma said.

"Take what seriously? I'm not the one who started this whole thing with a bad comedy sketch," Mako-chan said, shaking her head. "Besides, we've been totally side-tracked. This was supposed to be the day for walking around in a leisurely way and look for interesting things, right?"

"If that's your objective, I'm not sure if it's even possible to be side-tracked," Souma noted.

"That's a point, though," I said. "I'm really sorry. Not only did I turn up late, I've ended up taking over our conversation somehow."

"It's fine, it's fine," Mako-chan said, waving a hand. "You managed to involve yourself in something really interesting while I wasn't looking, so it's only natural we pay attention."

"Besides, it's something you want to do," Souma said awkwardly. "It feels like that doesn't happen very often, so I guess I want to help you with it. If there's anything I can do to help, just say it."

I nodded. "Thank you very much."

"Well, how about it?" Mako-chan asked cheerfully. "How about we change the agenda to walking around in a leisurely way and look for a place to entertain the Himemiya-hime?"

"Whenever you talk about her like that it makes me really nervous," I complained, folding my arms. "Can't you just call her Chikane? It's less bad for my heart."

"I think that's why I feel so insistent on it," Mako-chan said cheerfully. She put her drink aside. "In any case, we can't sit here all day, can we? There's plenty of reason to move fast for you, as well, right?"

"There is?" I asked nervously, standing with her.

"Of course. She goes to a different University to you, so it's not like you can be a friend of convenience," Mako-chan said. "So befriending her now is best thing, right?"

"I suppose so," I admitted, looking down at the floor. When I actually think about it, I hadn't even thought of what I was trying to achieve. Just see Chikane-chan again, that was all I thought. In some way, I did want that to be an apology. But I also wanted to understand her, and if possible, I wanted her to understand me. So I suppose I did want to be friends with her, after all. That's the best way to describe how I feel right now.

That's what's odd for me, since they're all right. I came here with friends, and I thought I'd just make friends, the way I always have. But even though I've seen her just once, even though I've only talked to her a little, it feels like she's important, it has to be her. Is that because of her name? If that was the case, I think that would make me a terrible person. But I don't think that's the case though. If I was to put it into words, words I can't use even to my friends, it's not because Chikane is a Himemiya I feel this way. It just feels like Chikane could be my unique and interesting person, the one who makes me feel special, even if only for a while.

Perhaps that's also a selfish thought. But maybe that's okay for now.

* * *

I pulled my keys out of my bag as the lift door opened, walking forwards and opening the door to my new apartment. "I'm home," I said calmly.

"Welcome back, Ojou-sama." Otoha-san came forwards to greet me, bowing her head with her hands folded demurely in front of her.

"Please don't be so formal," I said, smiling slightly. "I'm glad you've at least started wearing normal clothes, but with a manner like that it's a little hard to tell."

"It's natural my manner wouldn't change with my clothes," Otoha-san said precisely, marching back towards the kitchen. "My station hasn't changed. Even if we're making concessions to the city, I don't intend to change that."

I giggled, taking off my sandals and turning them to face the door. I placed my bag on a shelf before putting on my slippers and following her. "I suppose I'm relieved. Not many people make me feel young."

"Is that so?" Otoha-san said. "I'd be offended if it wasn't for the fact that you are young. Hopelessly young. I hope you haven't forgotten that just because you're going to university now."

I don't recall her being much older. I decided not to say anything about that, though. "I'll bear that in mind. Certainly, after a conversation with Sugiyama-san, I feel very young indeed."

"You have a long way to go," Otoha-san said firmly. "I hope that went well, though. How is he?"

"As ever he was amicable enough," I said. "It's a given that he's patronising me, but I'm not going to turn down such a chance. If there's anything I can learn from him, I will."

"I see. I'm glad you're feeling proactive." Otoha-san looked up at me. "I apologise but lunch can only be plain today. White rice, Miso soup, tempura and tsukemono."

"I'll eat it gladly," I said, sitting down at the table.

"Please do," Otoha-san said, placing everything in front of me before stepping back.

I blinked. "You aren't eating with me?"

"I've already eaten," Otoha-san said calmly. "Now I'm free to attend to anything necessary."

"I see," I said, looking down and picking up my chopsticks. "Itadakimasu."

Otoha-san began to potter around the kitchen as I began to eat carefully, rearranging a few things before beginning to wash up her own lunch. It would take a few days for her to be completely comfortable with this new space. Besides, seeing her dressed in a normal green skirt, and a normal blouse, really did make her look different. Not worse. It was just strange.

I ate delicately, as I had been taught. But I paused after a while, glancing at Otoha-san again. "Are you lonely here, I wonder?"

"Lonely?" Otoha-san asked, looking back at me. "Hm. If you mean the other maids, I always knew them from the perspective of my position. I can keep in touch with my parents easily enough. I imagine I'll be fine."

"I see." I ate more rice thoughtfully, swallowing. "But if you ever want a break, please feel free. I understand you can't rely on the other maids when you have a day off now, so please be clear that I'll accept you taking time off as you like."

"It isn't as if I could ever rely on the others without me," Otoha-san sniffed. "Something always goes wrong. But thank you for your kindness. I will remember that."

I nodded, secretly unconvinced. It's rare for an employer to worry about someone overworking, but Otoha-san was like that. I had a suspicion she intended to amicably ignore my advice without saying a word. Plainly I'd have to find some way to get her to take it easy every now and then. Or I'd give it serious thought, at least.

"And Ojou-sama?" Otoha-san queried. "Are you homesick? You're a long way from most of your old friends."

"I'm fine," I assured her. "Father calls frequently, and I will make new friends soon enough."

What I didn't mention was my situation was the same as hers… 'If you mean my other class-mates, I always knew them from the perspective of my position.' I can't ever be hard on Otoha-san for her stubbornness, because I'm often less than frank myself.

"I'm glad. I'd expect no less, of course. And if you ever want to welcome them here, please feel free at any time." Otoha-san gave me a speculative look. "I know the mansion was always very intimidating, but an apartment like this is altogether ordinary."

I looked around, taking in the spacious rooms, the widescreen television, the art on the walls and the bonsai in their own niches. I admire Otoha-san's sense of the ordinary, even when I put her own presence here aside. "Yes. I will do that."

"Good. Have you had a chance to look up any of the people your age on the list?" Otoha-san probed.

"Not yet," I said evasively. "I'm placing a higher priority on mother's business contacts right now, where they find the time for me."

"You can't just work, you know," Otoha-san said with reproachful hypocrisy. "And those people may be even more important, when you go out into the world. They will be a network that stays with you."

"I understand," I said calmly. "I will certainly approach them all in good time. But there's a certain inelegance in rushing these things. I'm also a similar person, so I can judge people as they approach me in their own time."

"As you say, Ojou-sama." Otoha-san returned to her work, but kept talking. "Doesn't Sugiyama-san have a son here? Taira-kun?"

"Yes. We talked briefly about him," I said, deciding to change the subject. Besides, I was curious for my own sake, as well. "Touching on another note, Otoha-san, I was wondering if you could aid my memory."

"Yes?"

"A girl called Himeko Kurusugawa-san," I said, looking up at her. "I met her today, and felt she was profoundly familiar… though I mistook her for Yuina Kawakami when I tried to put a name to her face. She also thought I was familiar."

"Hmm. Yuina is still in America, isn't she?" Otoha-san closed her eyes. "I don't recall anyone by that name, though, off-hand, at least. What was she like?"

"Ah." I picked up my shell pendant and looked at it thoughtfully. "She has long, blonde-brown hair and violet eyes. She's my age. If I was to describe her personality… earnest, sincere, polite, a little clumsy." I smiled. "A very bad liar."

"Well, like I said, I don't remember anyone like that," Otoha-san said. "If you're the same age, perhaps you could ask Masato-sama."

"I will consider that later," I said. "Ah. She is from Mahoroba, if that is any help. She knows of Isato-san and my other relatives there."

"That is a connection to them," Otoha-san said. "But not to us. We haven't been there in a very long time… ten years, is it? Perhaps more."

"I know." I let my pendant fall. "Well, brooding on this is fairly meaningless."

"So you met this girl?" Otoha-san asked curiously.

I was abruptly busy with my food again, but it was no good, she was still looking at me when I swallowed. So I nodded instead. "Yes. We met by chance on the street, and struck up a conversation. Initially I thought she was Yuina, which was rather embarrassing."

"Hmm," Otoha-san said dubiously. "It's not like you to make anything of chance encounters."

"She was an interesting person, though," I said slowly, deciding to edit out the stranger parts of the story for now. "She was very polite, and she was also kind. It was interesting to hear her talk about Mahoroba, and she also talked about the Himemiya. Even before she knew I was one."

"You should be careful of people like that," Otoha-san warned. "Too many people will try to befriend you thinking only of your money and position… especially if you raise your name and they know it. Making friends is fine, but it's better if you stay away from that kind of person."

"I know that," I said patiently. "Himeko isn't that kind of person, though. She's very sincere, and she didn't treat me any differently when she learned I was a Himemiya."

"That's also another way of befriending you," Otoha-san said, sighing. "But I trust your judgement, of course. You can look after yourself."

"Thank you." I closed my eyes. "She said she would ring me and arrange for another meeting, so I will have to bear that in mind when planning my schedule."

"I see." I expected her to argue, but she didn't say anything to that. She did give me an inscrutable look, though.

I went back to my meal. I wonder why it's wrong to have friends who are only interested in your wealth, unless they're also wealthy… at that point, it's called establishing contacts, networking, words like that. I wish I could say I wanted no place in a world like that, but that's not true. I'm simply uncomfortable with it.

Himeko Kurusugawa, is it? It's odd of me to say this about someone who lied to my face like that, but she seems far more sincere than kind of lifestyle. More sincere than me. Perhaps I'm just thinking of her in the wrong way because I don't know that, but it seems that way to me. I don't think she ever had any bad intentions. I don't think she's stupid, but she is guileless, and there's a strength of some kind when she's just speaking plainly… that's what I felt, anyway. It's very easy to think well or badly of someone you don't really know. When you know someone better, you realise all their little foibles and flaws and hypocrisies. I know that well. But it's not as if I don't have some sense of her weaknesses, as well. She's shyer than she'd like, braver than she's comfortable with. She doesn't really plan ahead, she tends to put herself down, she has more admiration for the people around her than self-esteem. Perhaps I'm being arrogant and judgmental, to make all those snap interpretations of a brief and strange conversation. Perhaps Otoha-san's right and she's a very cunning, two-faced girl. But somehow I still feel like I do know her, she's all those things and more. It's not something I can put my finger on, and that's rare for me. I'm more comfortable with logic than instinct.

So I suppose I really am curious about her, how much I'm right, how much I'm wrong, what the real Himeko is like. I'm… intrigued. Yes, that's the word. And when I think about it, I do want her to call me, even though I was in two minds on it at the time. I want to hear from her again. I want to see her again.

That's a little frightening, somehow. I've gone a very long time without feeling that way about anyone at all.

When I came too, I realised I was fingering my pendant again. I dropped it rather self-consciously, and then felt stupid for doing so. That didn't have any significance either. It was just a remarkable coincidence, but in a world so large and with a life as long as a human one a remarkable coincidence or two is altogether unremarkable. Kaiawase is just a game, too. Something I was taught as a child. I'm not a superstitious or sentimental person, so I know clearly it's not a significant thing. I am no longer a child so as an adult I have no expectations of that kind of fantasy. I'm not seduced and deceived by dreams.

I finished eating, putting my chopsticks down. "Gochisōsama deshita."

"You're welcome," Otoha-san said, bowing again. "I've already prepared your writing materials for calligraphy practise."

"Thank you." I stood, nodding back, before turning and walking to my bag. I pulled out my mobile phone, checking the time again. This was going to take an hour, after all.

I walked to my room and sat down in front of the writing desk that had been set out for me. I was working from a book that had been provided for me, but I didn't expect to actually learn from this. It was simply to maintain my current skill level until I could find a teacher. It's one of the many skills that as expected of a Himemiya, at least for as long as my grandfather is alive.

I carefully put water on the Tao River inkstone my grandfather had given me and gradually worked it with an ink stick until the consistency was perfect, before picking up the ivory ink-brush my uncle had given me and delicately applied ink to it. I glanced briefly at the book my father had given me before carefully applying the brush to the paper and beginning to draw the first character. Clarity, concentration, and a focused mind, I'd be ungrateful and deceitful if I said I did not derive some satisfaction from doing this. It put me at rest.

I briefly checked the time on my mobile, open and placed on the floor in front of me. After this I had another appointment, of course.

I was aware that Otoha-san came briefly to the door and looked through at me for a few moments before closing it silently, but that wasn't unusual. I also knew my white dress wasn't the best clothing for this, just as I knew I wouldn't spill any ink, so it was meaningless to worry. I also knew that there was no meaning in the passage of time and no need for any worries at all. I am capable of great concentration, whether that is normal or not, and working for an hour at full intensity at something like this is well within my limits. I know all of those things.

That's why, after ten minutes in which I made far more mistakes than I should have done, I carefully put my brush aside, picked up my phone, and returned it to my bag before coming back and starting again. My mistake was trying to watch the time, of course. That's always a sure way to distract yourself from what you really need to do.

It would be nice if I could believe that, but when I would also believe in kaiawase.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chains of Memory: Part 3**

Results day is in two days, so if the girls start bemoaning the futility of existance thereafter you'll be able to guess why. In the meantime, please enjoy their peaceful days.

* * *

"Come in, come in," Mako-chan said amicably. "There's no use standing around outside, you idiot."

"But, is it really okay?" Souma asked, looking slightly awkward.

"It's fine, it's fine," Mako-chan said, slipping deftly past him and pushing him in the back. He stumbled forwards. "You can sit down and at least eat Himeko's cooking, right? You know, I'm worried about you, I doubt you can cook anything at all!"

"That would be more convincing if I didn't know you also rely on Himeko's cooking," Souma complained, stumbling forwards.

"It's fine," I assured him. "Just come in, okay?"

"Ah." He followed me through the door, taking off his shoes.

"Besides, your brother was a big help with all of this," Mako-chan said, stepping after us. "You're more than welcome to freeload off our gratitude."

"That's not much of a comfort," Souma said. He sighed, stepping inside. "I'll make it up to you. You can stop by my place any time you like."

"Hmm? Aren't you getting a little cheeky?" Mako-chan asked, smirking and elbowing him in the stomach. "You should think about your reputation a little more."

"That's natural, isn't it?" Souma said. "For friends."

"Hmm…"

"Don't be too bothered, Ogami-kun," I said cheerfully. "She's just teasing you again. If you rise to it, though, she won't stop all evening."

"I know that, but she's not easy to deflect," Souma noted, sighing again.

"Honestly, all these years I was all Ogami-sama, Ogami-sama, but you're actually a bit of a wuss," Mako-chan observed, smirking again. "I won't go easy on you!"

"I'm going to start, okay?" I said, turning and smiling back at them. "I'll need a little time."

"Ah… is there something I can do to help?" Souma asked, raising a hand. "Since I'm a guest here, after all."

"It's fine," I assured him. "This is my apology for arriving late, and talking only about myself, okay? I'd feel bad if I didn't do something just for you two."

"Ah," he said, scratching his cheek. "Then… if you insist, I guess."

"You suck too much, you'd only get in her way," Mako-chan insisted. "Though I'm the same, of course, so I can't really be righteous about that."

"It's not like that," I said, searching through the shelves. "Don't take her seriously. This is just what I can do, okay? I like doing it."

"And there you have it," Mako-chan said, shrugging. "But don't you have something to do first, Himeko?"

"First?" I asked, wrinkling my brow. "Umm…"

"Phoning her, phoning her," Mako-chan said. "Don't tell me you've forgotten?"

"Oh, that." I rubbed my chin. "I haven't forgotten, of course. I thought it would be better if I left it until after dinner, though. If I interrupted her, that might be bad."

"Hmm," Mako-chan said, sounding a little unconvinced. "If you say so." She clapped her hands. "In any case, I'm going to go jogging. I'll be back in time for dinner, okay?"

"Eh. You're going?" Souma asked, blinking in surprise.

"I have to keep my form up, after all," Mako-chan said, kneeling down and rooting through her bags for her running shoes. "I'll leave the rest to you two, okay?"

"Work hard, okay?" I said cheerfully.

"I will!" Mako-chan said, walking back towards the door. "You too, Himeko. I'm expecting you to show her this place one day and apologise for the mess."

I looked around our little, battered apartment and winced slightly. "That's probably impossible, you know…"

"I'm going out! See you two later!" Mako-chan waved again before leaving.

"Good-bye!" I waved to her before turning back to my preparation. "I'm sorry, Ogami-kun. She's too energetic to be polite again."

"It's fine," Souma said awkwardly, sitting down. "I know how hard she works, so I'm not going to argue with that."

"She's a hard-working person," I agreed. "But she always puts me before her work. She hasn't changed, so I still feel a little guilty."

Souma nodded. "You're right. Ah… I'm not saying you should be guilty, though. How do you put it? That's what Saotome thinks best, too, so it's fine. It's something I admire."

I giggled. "I see."

"Is that strange?"

I shook my head. "It's just rare. No one else calls her that."

"Ah. I guess so."

I fell silent, concentrating on what I was doing. I'm not a very sensitive person, so when I felt things seemed a little awkward, I was probably right. But that can't be helped. I rejected him, didn't I? Even if we say we'll still be friends, that's always going to be awkward.

"Do you like cooking, then?" Souma asked politely.

"Yes. I'm not very good, though," I said, trying to sound bright. "But it's something I can do, and it is a lot of fun."

"I see." Souma paused for a moment. "Even if I talk tough, I can't really cook, so I can admire that. Is it hard?"

"It was hard when I started, but I'm better now," I said. "I still mess up every now and then, though. It's a little embarrassing."

"I suppose I'm just being lazy, then," Souma said. "I'll have to learn at some point. Now is a better time than any other, after all."

"That might be a good idea." I smiled to myself. "But, in a way, I'd prefer it if you and Mako-chan never learned."

"Sorry?"

I looked down, carefully cutting the vegetables. "Both of you can do a lot of amazing things, so I guess I'm a little jealous. I can only do this." I chuckled. "Though I guess if you learned that would just make me feel like I should get better. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing, after all."

"That's not true at all!" Souma blinked when I glanced at him in surprise, looking down at the floor. "No, well, it's just that you have other good points, too. Your photography, right?"

"I know what you're saying," I said, turning back again. "I quit that, though."

"You quit?"

"Yes. It took a lot of time." I shrugged. "More importantly than that, though, it felt like I didn't really have a reason to do it to begin with... it was depressing me more than I made it happy, so I stopped. I don't really know why." I closed my eyes. "It might have been because there wasn't anything left in Mahoroba. Perhaps I should start again here."

"You should, if you have the time," Souma suggested politely. "I admired that side of you too."

"Maybe," I said noncommittally. "What are you doing, though? Are you going to keep up with all your old hobbies?"

"I'm going to see what I can do, but I'm not sure if that's possible," Souma said weakly. "I'm going to have to work hard just to keep up… I guess we'll both be like that."

"You're probably right." I sighed slightly. Chikane-chan's probably a busy person too, of course.

"It's not all bad, though," Souma said. "I'm going to look around the different dojos, and see what kind of martial arts look best. I should be able to learn a lot here, if I work hard enough."

"I see. That's good." I find martial arts a little scary, myself, but they're something Souma's really into. I guess it isn't something I'd understand. I popped one of the pieces of cucumber into my mouth, chewing it thoughtfully before swallowing. That should be okay. "How about your university? Don't they have a club or something?"

"Yeah, but it's hard to know what the standard would be," Souma said. "It sounds kinda arrogant, I know, but I'm really serious about stuff like this. Now I'm in somewhere as big as this, I want to find people who are the same."

I giggled. "That's just like you. Very serious, yes." I picked up another slice of pickled cucumber and put it on a side dish. "Here. Would you mind trying this?"

"I'd love to." He scrambled up, taking the dish and trying it. I watched his reaction carefully as he chewed slowly. "Hey, this is really good. You made this?"

I nodded, feeling a little relieved. "I'm glad you like it."

"Saotome was right; I'd only have got in your way if you tried to help."

"Not at all," I said. "I'm just being a little selfish. If you're interested, though, I can teach you at some point."

"That would be good." Souma folded his arms thoughtfully. "Though I don't want to take up too much of your time… more importantly, was today any help? Have you decided what you're going to do?"

"I have a few ideas, but nothing certain," I said, putting the pickles to one side and carrying on. "It's hard for me to know what to do… I'm really not very good at things like this…"

"Ahh." Souma shrugged. "I think it's possible to over-think these things. Just imagine a situation where you'll be comfortable… that's all that's needed, right?"

"If we're talking about what I'm comfortable with, it wouldn't be something like this at all," I said wanly. "And it's really hard to forget just who she is, either."

"Hmm." Souma gave me a thoughtful look, as if trying to work out what to say next. "I guess I can't say it's easy. But she gave you her number, didn't she? She accepted your apology, and talked with you in a friendly way. She's already given you encouragement, right?"

I nodded. "She seems like a kind person. It's just… if I was Mako-chan, I'd just manage somehow. She always treats people the same way. And Ogami-kun, you're always the same, it feels like someone like you is never really intimidated by a person's reputation. But when I think about being alone with her again..." I sighed heavily. "It's no good. Maybe giving up would be better, after all."

"You can't do that," Souma said sternly.

"But-"

"Well, it's not like you don't want to get to know her more, right?" Souma pointed out. "That isn't the problem. You're just worried that things will go badly, but if you at least try, the worst thing that could happen is that it doesn't work out. If you think about it, that's the worst-case scenario, and that's definitely what's doing to happen if you don't do anything at all."

"Well, I suppose," I admitted softly. "But what if she ends up really hating me? Or if she was just being polite, and I'd only impose myself on her?"

"Then you don't have to talk to her again, right?" Souma smiled. "In a way, it's ideal. Since it's not likely you'd meet her at all otherwise, you won't have to see her at lectures or anything like that."

"I don't want her to hate me, though, whether I see her again or not."

"All the more reason to see her again, then." Souma looked up at the ceiling. "Being hated, or being forgotten, I'm not sure which is worse… but hating you just for this is unrealistic to begin with. You're not someone any reasonable person will hate."

I nodded. "You're right, I guess. I'm sorry, Ogami-kun. I made you listen to me being weak again."

"It's fine," Souma said. "That's what friends are for, right?"

I smiled, nodding again. "Yes. Thank you, though. You helped a lot."

"Not at all," Souma said, looking away in embarrassment. "I just did what Saotome would have done."

I giggled. "She would have pulled my ear, though."

He laughed. "Probably. But what she'd say would be the same. _If you don't do something you want to do, you'll always regret it_… it's a cliché, but that's what my brother said to me once. It's probably a cliché because it's true."

I nodded, trying to get my spirits up. "Yes. I'll do my best."

"Right." Souma stepped away from the kitchen, punching the air. "When you say it like that, it gets me fired up too. Maybe Saotome's right, I need to involve myself in something interesting again."

"If it's Ogami-kun, I'm sure there'll be no problem," I said. "You don't have any reason to worry."

"Hey, even I screw up every now and then," Souma said, dropping his hands and walking back towards the living space. "But why don't you work your cooking into this? If you're confident about it, it's cheaper and it's interesting, too… you can make lunch for the two of you, right?"

"I know I enjoy it, but that'd be just another scary test for me," I said nervously. "I mean, I'm sure she's used to food cooked by professionals. There's no way I can compete with that."

"You can," Souma said confidently. "Because it's not food made by professionals, it's food made by you."

I blinked, touching my chin. "Uhm… I'm not sure I get that."

"Really?" Souma sat down again, sounding slightly bemused. "Well, if I was to put into words, it's like comparing a present you buy with a handmade one. It's probably usual for something you buy to be better, unless you're really good… but most people value the handmade thing more. Isn't that normal?"

"I guess so," I admitted sheepishly. "So it's okay if it isn't perfect."

"Right, and the important thing is it's done by you," Souma said. "If it were me, I know I'd appreciate that."

I nodded to myself. "So if I make a bento or something?"

"It's a bit of a cliché, but at least it gives you something to talk about."

"I see…" I frowned thoughtfully. That's more embarrassing than even some of the other ideas I'd come up with, but it might be okay, all the same. At least it'd make me feel like I could do a little more to make sure things would go well in the end.

"Go to a park for lunch, eat it there," he continued. "And if things go well, after that you can go shopping in the afternoon or something. Whatever seems like a good idea at the time. It's simple, memorable, and it gives you time to talk to her without being distracted."

I nodded enthusiastically. "I see. Thank you, Ogami-kun. That's a good idea."

"Not at all… I'm just trying to help you, if I can." Souma's voice dropped slightly. "Thank me by having fun, if you can."

"I will." I searched for clean dishes, lining them up carefully. "That makes me feel a little more confidant."

"Don't mention this to Saotome, okay?" he asked. "I'm sure she'd just tease me again for coming up with a silly idea, or something."

I blinked, before nodding. "Okay. If it worries you, I suppose."

He sighed. "And my practical experience is zero, so I'm probably the wrong person to ask for advice anyway."

I giggled. "That's not true. You were friends with Isato, right?"

"Yeah, but if I approached him with a bento he'd punch me out," Souma said wryly.

I laughed. "Ah, I see. But it can't be too different, all the same… or rather, I know it isn't impossible, thanks to Ogami-kun."

The door opened again, and a panting Mako-chan stepped through. "I'm back…"

"Welcome back," I said, quickly pouring her a glass of water. "How was your run?"

"Terrible," she complained. "Don't talk to me about the air around here. But more importantly, did you stop sulking when I was away? Or am I going to have to knock some sense into you?"

"Don't worry," I said, walking towards her and passing her the glass. "I'll definitely phone Chikane-chan after we've eaten."

Mako-chan gave me an odd look before nodding. "I see… that's a better way of walking about it, at least."

I nodded and smiled. "Right?"

* * *

I sat neatly on the floor, reading a book carefully. Otoha-san was finishing the last of the unpacking at the back, so I was left in a peaceful silence.

I caught myself when I found myself skimming again, and went back to read what I'd missed. Honestly, one little unusual event happens to me and I use all my equilibrium… I like to think of myself as a collected and disciplined person, but if that's still the case then it's clear I have a long way to go. Simply leading a boring life isn't the same thing at all. And most importantly, I shouldn't have any expectations to begin with. There was no reason for her to call tonight, so winding myself up until I was just killing time waiting rather than doing the things I needed to do was pointless. Her call should be an interruption- not an unexpected or even an unwelcome interruption, but an interruption nevertheless. That was the proper way to do things.

Besides, there wasn't really much to guarantee anything at all. When I think about the situation logically, it's plausible that she'd have second thoughts. Having a chance conversation is normal enough, even if the circumstances weren't normal. But expecting her to really go out of her way to further things in her own time is just unreasonable. Especially when she was no longer influenced by the whimsical feelings of that particular chance meeting. I hadn't managed to give her a particular reason to do anything. No, I'd probably discouraged her, since I'd reacted angrily to her. Unless she was simply fixated on my name, and that would be like Otoha-san said… no, Himeko wasn't that kind of person. I'm almost sure of that. What I can't be sure of is whether she really will phone me after all.

I sighed. It was stupid to feel like this. If she called, if she didn't call, it wasn't supposed to be of interest to me. I've never really had problems making acquaintances. I don't have any particular reason to imagine she's going to my friend.

But if I'm worrying this much, perhaps being that stubborn is arrogant. Perhaps I should call her. Perhaps she'd be grateful if I did that. When I think about doing that, I notice how hard this must be for her, too.

I looked at my phone thoughtfully. If I was going to be like this all evening, though, wouldn't it be better to take care of things now? That seemed rather logical…

My phone rang. I picked it up instantly and answered on the second ring. "Hello? This is Chikane," I said crisply. No, that tone was too tense. She'll get scared.

"Um… hello. It's me." A man's voice.

I frowned. "Otou-sama?"

"The one and only. Were you expecting someone else?"I sighed. "Actually, yes, but never mind…""I see. Well, sorry to disappoint you. How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," I said, with as much patience as I could muster. He wouldn't hold anything against me, but if anything got back to my mother, I would definitely regret it. "I met up with Sugiyama-san, briefly anyway, on his invitation. He's doing well. I also practised my calligraphy and scouted for a piano teacher."

My father laughed amicably. _"I see. I'm glad you're keeping busy. That's not quite what I asked, though, is it?"_

My free hand twitched slightly. His precision isn't something I should regret, but it means I can't get away with my usual lazy answers. "I suppose not. But I'm doing very well, thank you for asking. This is quite a different environment but I shouldn't have any problems adapting, and there are some interesting people here." I closed my eyes briefly. "And how about you? Are you both well?"

"_We're fine, just as usual,"_ he said. _"There's been some legal disturbances, so your mother has been working very late. She says hi. I'm sure she'll phone when she can."_

"I hope she doesn't feel obliged," I said calmly. "It's natural she's a busy person, and there's no reason to worry about me."

"_Of course, but we still worry about you." _He paused for a moment. _"And Otoha-san? How is she settling in?"_

I tapped my knee impatiently, trying not to think of missing Himeko's call. Cutting this short wouldn't be fair on my father, but it was a hard worry to ignore. "As far as I can tell, here or there makes no difference to her. She's apparently determined to carry on just as before."

Father chuckled. _"I see, I see. This is why we know you're in good hands, at least. I hope she isn't working herself too hard."_

"So do I," I remarked dryly. "I'll do my best to look after her."

"_She said the same thing about you… but perhaps something like that is for the best. Have you made any friends?"_

I blinked, trying to change gears in line with my father's bad habits again. "I've been concentrating on other things. There will be plenty of time for that when the term begins proper."

"_I see. Just as long as you aren't lonely, I suppose that's okay."_

"I'm fine," I repeated patiently. "There's no need to worry."

I could mention kaiawase, but for some reason, I felt like keeping that a secret. Somehow, it seemed like that didn't involve other people, even father himself.

"_Very well. I'll leave you to it, then. We can talk again another day."_

"Yes, I'd like that," I said politely. "Until then."

"_Goodbye."_

"Bye." I cut the call, putting down my mobile and sighing. The world didn't stop moving, after all, even if I was waiting around.

I sighed and went back to my book. And as things turned out, another call came ten minutes after the one I didn't ask for. By this time, I was perfectly sure the world would try to irritate me again, so I answered normally. "Hello. Chikane Himemiya here."

"_Hi… it's me, Himeko," _a voice said nervously. _"From this morning."_

I smiled despite myself. "I remember," I said, trying not to laugh. Did she really think I'd forget, after all that happened? "I'm glad you called."

And suddenly the tension and frustration I felt earlier all disappeared, and I felt like I could relax a little. It was rather relieving, all things told.

"_Ah, thank you…um, how are you? I hope you weren't late for your appointment."_

"No, I was late," I said cheerfully. "But I'm fine, thanks for asking."

"Oh, no… I'm so sorry. They weren't angry, were they?"

She sounded so genuinely worried that I felt a little taken aback. "No, not at all. You don't need to apologise, since nothing came of it. I was the one who got too caught up in the shells, after all."

"_No, I was the one intruding on you."_

"It doesn't matter," I assured her. "Besides, you gave me an interesting story to tell him."

"_No way_…" the girl muttered, sounding genuinely embarrassed.

I giggled. "I'm joking," I assured her softly.

"_Oh. That's a relief." _She paused for a moment. _"I'm sorry again for what happened earlier. I ended up doing a lot of silly things and embarrassing you."_

I fell backwards on a whim, looking up at the ceiling. "No, I'm sorry for snapping at you. Those things are all in the past, though. You wanted to start again, right?"

"_Yes, that would be wonderful. If possible." _She paused again, taking a breath, and I waited patiently for her. _"So, I was thinking, do you have any free time over the next few days? I mean, I understand if you don't, since I know you're a busy person, but if it isn't too much trouble-"_

"I have time to spare," I assured her, stretching my legs under the table. "Is there anything you have in mind?"

"_Ah. If it was possible, I thought we could meet up in a local park, and eat lunch there…I can bring the lunch, if that's okay with you. Would something like that be okay?"_

"That sounds wonderful," I said, surprising myself by meaning it. After endless lunches being entertained in high-class restaurants or large houses, that sounded indecently novel and interesting. "Is any particular time convenient for you? I'm busy on Wednesday, but I'm free tomorrow lunchtime."

"_Tomorrow would be great," _she said, sounding relieved. _"Is Kinuta Park okay for you? We could meet in front of the Bijyutukan bus stop…"_

"That's fine," I said. I didn't know where that was, but finding it shouldn't be hard, and it's plain enough I've made her do all the work so far. "At twelve?" I suggested, for the sake of my pride.

"_Okay, at twelve. There's nothing else, is there?" _she asked, half to herself.

"That's everything," I assured her, mentally checking over everything myself. "Thank you for arranging this."

"No, not at all, or rather, thank you for finding the time…"

"No," I said calmly, watching the light above me. "It's fine. I'm grateful to you."

"_Ah, thank you very much," _she said, sounding rather flustered.

Perhaps that had been going too far? I dismissed that thought. "Putting that aside, I hope you've had a good day… Himeko," I said, trying out the name on my lips. No, it was definitely strange to address someone like that. But maybe not in a bad way.

"_Yes,"_ Himeko said happily. _"We explored the city a little, looking for useful places to come back to. It's a little tiring, though."_

"I see. That sounds interesting," I said. "We?"

"_Ah. I was with that boy I mentioned, Souma Ogami-kun, and Mako-chan. I knew them through High School, and now we're all here together as well…"_

"That must be nice," I observed. "I don't really know anyone here right now, so it's been a little lonely."

Why was I telling her that? Even if it was true… it wouldn't be good if she thought I was interested in her just because of that…

"_Really? That must be hard for you,"_ Himeko said sympathetically. _"Everything's very big and very scary here, and there are so many people… I don't know what I'd do if it wasn't for my friends."_

"Well, even if I say I'm lonely, I have Otoha-san to look after me, and more than a few people who are willing to talk to me," I said. "I don't have any real cause to complain."

"That's a relief. Otoha-san?"

"Sorry. She's my- guardian," I said evasively. _Maid _has too many connotations. "My parents are busy in Osaka, so she looks after me here. I'm very lucky… though relying on her makes me feel less independent than someone our age should be."

"_It's fine, it's fine," _Himeko said reassuringly. _"It's not immature to rely on someone who cares for you. Or I hope not, anyway. I'm still totally relying on Mako-chan, every now and then anyway. She gets me up in the mornings."_

I smiled at that. "Me too… with Otoha-san, at least. She's always scolding me."

"_Right? I've tried using an alarm clock, but I just turn it off and go back to sleep. It doesn't help at all."_

"I can understand that. I've never tried, though." I let my eyes wander across the ceiling, wondering where this relaxed feeling had come from. These last few days had been tense and hard work, but I had a different sensation now. "Perhaps I'm just being arrogant, but even though she tells me off every time, I think she'd be a little upset if I ever changed my ways. It gives her something to scold me about…"

"_Perhaps Mako-chan's the same." _Himeko giggled. _"She'd only find something else to tease me about, though, so perhaps not. Though I'm also a little surprised."_

"Surprised?"

"_I don't know Chikane-chan very well, of course, but if anyone had asked me, I'd have thought that you'd be good at getting up. You seem like that kind of person."_

"Really?" I asked wryly. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, then."

"_That's not what I mean! It's just a relief, that's all. It's something where you're not so different from me."_

"I see." I rubbed my forehead thoughtfully. "That's normal, really. I-"

I stopped abruptly. _I'm not that different from normal people._ Can I really say that?

"_I know. People probably have a lot of strange expectations of you, right?" _Himeko said cheerfully. _"I know that. So I'll try and be fair for you, so you don't feel burdened by me."_

I frowned thoughtfully. Strange expectations… I can certainly understand that. "Thank you."

"_I guess I've ended up talking about strange things again, though. How about you? Have you had an enjoyable day?"_

Enjoyable? How would you put it? "Yes," I said after a few moments. "It's been enjoyable for me. I've had some interesting conversations."

"_Really? But I thought you were away from your friends…ah, the person you were meeting with, perhaps?"_

I smiled weakly and decided to let that one slide. "Yes. Sugiyama-san is a friend of my mother's, but he's also a friendly person in his own right. I heard from my father, as well. He's fine."

"_I see. That's good. Oh, did you ask him about me?" _Himeko asked. _"It feels like I must have met you, bot however much we think we can only guess it was when I was too young to remember properly…"_

"Otoha-san said something similar," I said. "I didn't ask my father, since he was just checking up on me. I'll do so next time, though, just to be sure."

"_I see…it's a little mysterious." _Himeko chuckled with embarrassment. _"It would be nice if I had an excuse for hugging you, though. I still can't believe I actually did that."_

"Don't take that too seriously," I said. "If nothing else, it was an interesting way to say hello."

"_That doesn't make me feel very sane, though," _Himeko observed. _"But somehow things have turned out okay."_

"Right. That's what's important." I frowned. Besides, I'm pretty sure I could have stopped her, or even knocked her back if I had too. Only I didn't. I didn't run but I might have done. I definitely hugged her back.

Maybe we're both a little insane. That doesn't really comfort me very much.

"_Ah… I'm sorry, Chikane-chan. Mako-chan's calling me," _Himeko said apologetically. _"I think she's dropped something while unpacking. Is it okay if I go?"_

"Of course," I said, my voice masking a pang of disappointment. That didn't make sense to begin with. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"_Yes. Goodbye, Chikane-chan."_

"Goodbye," I pulled my phone away from my ear when she rang off, checking the time. "Himeko," I added after a few moments.

I think I'm getting used to that name.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chains of Memory: Part 4**

Results for my exams were positive, so outlook for characters is good. However, the current formations suggest there are stormclouds on the horizon for our girls once again...

* * *

_I opened my eyes and looked at myself. She- I- that person- is sitting calmly on the grass, sipping her tea patiently. This place is enclosed, surrounded by roses, with a large tree in the very centre of the grove. I look around thoughtfully, wondering how I- she- whichever, how that person got here. Knowing… us…there had to be a simple and easy way to do it. She doesn't have any leaves on her clothes._

_She's wearing a school uniform I don't recognise; red and white with black ribbons round the arms. It's elegant, but I can't suppress the small voice that notes how impractical it is. Not that I don't wear elegant, impractical clothes either, so I suppose I'm in no position to talk. Her face is serene and impenetrable; I had no idea what she is thinking, even though it's obvious she's deep in thought. Do I appear like that? But she looks happy, perhaps, when I look closely. I'm glad, that relieves me. She sips her tea again. Is it Otoha-san's? I can't tell from here. I don't think I can or should move closer._

_The bush behind me start to move, and I turn, startled. But the other I isn't surprised at all when a blonde-haired girl pokes her head through the flowers, looks up, smiles. Himeko. In spite of myself, I smile. What she's doing is profoundly silly, but it suits her to the hilt. Undeterred, she pushes through, picking herself up and brushes herself off, detaching some leaves that had affixed themselves to her jacket. "Good afternoon, Chikane-chan."_

_I almost answer, but my double beats me to that. "Good afternoon, Himeko." She put the cup down on its saucer in the proper way, looking up and smiling slightly. "Please sit down."_

"_Yes." Himeko settled down next to her without fuss. I think they're both used to this, it's a regular engagement. "I made some more food for today. Would you like to try it?"_

"_I would love to." The other I glanced at her. "Tea?"_

"_Please." Himeko is carrying a box wrapped in cute yellow cloth and tied neatly, it suits her. She unties the knot dextrously, putting the cloth aside and opening the bento. "I'm sorry. Troubling you every day with this…"_

"_Not at all. I enjoy it." The other I pours tea from a pot into a second, waiting cup and hands it to Himeko. There is a third cup, too. Perhaps they are expecting another person. "Here."_

"_Thank you," Himeko said, taking it. She blows on it gently before gingerly tasting it. Though she doesn't notice, the other I is watching her very closely out of the corner of her eye. I will have to be careful not to do that myself. It's indiscreet if there's a third person. "Ah. It's delicious," she said happily, lowering it again. She is honest, this girl can't be dishonest_

"_I see." The other I probably knows that, too. Even though she says that, she smiles, almost imperceptibly. I know myself enough to know that is how I present calligraphy to my teachers, or tea to my grandfather. The release of tension that accompanies pleasing someone who you want to please. It's strange. I've never felt that way about anyone my age. I can't imagine starting now._

"_But I hope you don't mind trying this," Himeko say quietly, pushing the bento forwards. "I worked hard on the omelettes, but I'm still not confident at all…"_

"_If it's made by you, I'd love to try it," the other I assures her softly._

"_That doesn't mean I'm any good, though." Himeko smiles at her, breaking open the chopsticks and picking out one of the omelettes. Without a fuss or even a blush, she simply holds it to my- the other I's lips. I flush in something like sympathy for my double, who is only marginally less surprised as she bites down. "Well, how is it?" Himeko asks eagerly. "I'm worried I overdid them…"_

"_Uhm." The other I swallows. "Maybe just a little."_

_Himeko's face fell, and I feel something like a twinge of irritation. Couldn't I have said something nicer? "I see…I knew it."_

"_But they're still delicious," the other I said. "Because Himeko worked hard on them, I'll eat them gladly." She reached down, taking another._

_Himeko's expression blooms like the sun again, which almost makes me laugh. This Himeko, maybe even more than the actual one I know, is a thoroughly innocent person. She's so sincere it's almost overwhelming. "Thank you, Chikane-chan. I'll try again tomorrow, so will you eat it then, too?"_

_The other I nodded. "Of course. But for now, shall we eat the rest together?"_

"_Okay."_

"_And how about our guest joins us?" I look around, and the other I looks straight at me. My heart freezes. "Won't you sit down? Just watching without taking part must be a little boring."_

"_Ah." Himeko glances at me and waves cheerfully._

_I turn and run and run, shoving my way through the rose bushes, never looking back._

* * *

I yawned before shaking myself off, trying to force down my lingering tiredness with force of will. I'd woken early from a restless sleep, since I'd been dreaming intensely about something, and when I woke I ended up thinking ahead, and got up early to work on the food. I gripped my bag tightly. The food had come out well, I was almost sure of that, but now I was tired, after all. Mako-chan had scolded me again. I sighed, staring at my reflection in the glass. I hope that didn't make me look bad, and after all the trouble I'd taken about dressing, too. What if I ended up yawning while we were talking? That would probably offend someone as refined as Chikane-chan.

I shook my head vigorously, reaching up and slapping my cheeks. No, no, this wasn't the time to think about stuff like that. I had to be optimistic, or I'd end up being too shy to do anything at all.

"Good morning."

I turned hurriedly to see Chikane-chan standing behind me, smiling gently. She was wearing the same dress as yesterday, but she was also wearing a thin white jacket that covered her arms. Since it was a little colder today, maybe. "Ah… good morning," I said, hoping she hadn't seen me doing something strange.

"I hope I didn't keep you waiting long," Chikane-chan said politely.

I shook my head. "Uh-nn. Not at all… I only got here a few minutes ago."

"I see. I'm glad."

Actually, I came twenty minutes early, for some reason. And when I look at my watch Chikane-chan is exactly on time. I guess that's expected of her; if I wanted to do that, though, I'd end up waiting round the corner for ten minutes, or being late.

I even managed to make her late yesterday, when I think about it…

I shook off the thought. "I'm sorry about the weather. It's a little cold, isn't it?"

Chikane-chan smiled. "I know. Otoha-san warned me that it may rain later in the day."

"No way…" I said, face falling. I'd forgotten to check the weather forecasts.

"I'm sure we'll be fine," Chikane-chan assured me. "But if that might happen, we'd better make the most of what time we have, no?"

I nodded. "Shall we go?"

"Let's go."

Chikane-chan walked gracefully forwards, and I followed slightly bashfully after her. Now I'm in her presence again, it's a little overwhelming. She really is like a princess. I frowned, catching myself again. No, I couldn't afford to space out. "Shall we go for a walk first, though, and eat afterwards?" I asked nervously. "I don't really know very much about the park, so..."

"That sounds fine," Chikane-chan agreed. "You're also new to Tokyo, aren't you? So we're both in the same position about not knowing much about this place."

I nodded, a little relieved by that. "Yes. Mahoroba didn't have anything like this many people or this many buildings, so it's been a little overwhelming. I guess you already know that, though."

"Well, as I've noted before, I don't actually know Mahoroba that well," Chikane-chan reminded me. "I visited a few times when I was very young. That's all."

"I see." I looked around the park as we entered, trying to get a feel for the space. It was larger than I'd imagined. "So where are you from? You mentioned that your parents were in Osaka, right?"

"Yes. If I was asked, though, I wouldn't say I was from there," she mused. "My mother's work takes her here and there, so I spent half my life following her here and there, and attending different schools. As for the rest… our house in Kobe. That would be my home, I suppose."

"I see. I suppose you must be used to moving to a new place, then." I smiled at her. "This really the first time I left Mahoroba… since I was a child, anyway."

"I'm less used to it than I'd like," Chikane-chan said briefly, stopping before a map of the park. "Shall we look here for directions?" she asked briefly, already looking up at it.

I nodded, coming to a stop next to her. "It has more things than I thought. A bird sanctuary… an art museum, even."

"Interesting," Chikane-chan said thoughtfully. "We might be able to look at them later. But just walking is fine for now, don't you think?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"More importantly, perhaps you could tell me a little more about Mahoroba, and Ototachibana," Chikane suggested, glancing at me. "I've heard only a little, but it sounds like an interesting place, so…"

"I don't know. Some people call it a dull place." I rubbed my cheek playfully, glancing at her as we walked down the path. "I wouldn't say so, though. It's quiet, but there's a lot of young people… and it's a place where you have a sense of it being a place, if you know what I mean. Traditions, legends, things like that."

"I see," Chikane-chan said peacefully.

"Ogami-kun's older brother is a priest, so I've heard quite a bit about them," I admitted. "A blissful and peaceful place, where everything moves slowly, somewhere very close to the gods… but because not all gods are kind or good, that means that good things and evil things are heavy there. And they're connected. One can't exist without the other. But, even so, Mahoroba mostly knows peaceful days- because it's said to know eight months of disaster for every two hundred years of peace." I looked up at the sky. "I wouldn't know about that, though. We've only ever experienced the peaceful days."

"I see," Chikane-chan said, glancing at me. "And you? Do you believe in things like that?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted. "It's not like anything I've ever experienced, but then again, I have enough problems with just ordinary things. Can I really expect to understand altogether spiritual things?"

"Yes. It's not something ordinary people feel equipped to understand in today's world." Chikane looked away. "But that also means we no longer find those things relevant in today's world. Blame can be placed on way party or another, but I find it hard to think of that as a good thing."

I nodded, trying to follow her thoughts. She sounds like she has sophisticated opinions. "We only really have the traditions left ourselves. And Mahoroba is probably a lot better off than elsewhere. But Ogami-sensei says that's okay, as long as someone remembers."

"I suppose so." Chikane-chan frowned. "I'm rambling more than I should, though. This was the brother of your Ogami-kun, yes? The priest?"

I nodded. "Yes. He's serious, so I occasionally feel intimidated by him. But he's a kind person. Always busy, but he'll always listen to you. And he takes good care of Souma."

"I see." She gave me another of her thoughtful looks. "I'm an only child, so I find something like that a little hard to understand. But it sounds like a good thing."

"It is," I said. "Though I'm also an only child, sometimes I think Mako-chan probably treats me the same way. Maybe Chikane-chan is the same."

She blinked. "Perhaps so…"

"But in their case, they lost their parents when they were young," I said sadly. "That's why I'm glad they can support each other, because something like that would be very hard to bear alone. And Souma's made a lot of friends too. And me, too… we were all surrounded by kind people there."

"I see."

Chikane's gaze was very piercing again, which made me look away, feeling sheepish. "In a way, I think that's what the legend means. Good things and bad things don't have to mean heaven or hell, right? Just everyday life has them both entwined. And even if you've experienced sad things, that doesn't mean there aren't more kind and gentle things to find… or, that's what I'd like to think."

"I see." Chikane-chan smiled. "You have a very mature perspective on these things."

"You think?" I asked, rubbing the back of my head in embarrassment. "I always feel really naïve whenever I say that, though."

"No, not at all. I agree with you, at least, so I hope you're not just being naïve." Chikane-chan laughed, a nice sound. "Perhaps the problem I was talking about is just that… legends and beliefs are about humans. If they seem irrelevant, we're probably just thinking about them the wrong way. And if that's the case, right or wrong are probably irrelevant. Irrespectively, you managed to draw something from that lesson, right?"

I nodded. Actually, if it's a topic like this, I can handle myself. I know Souma and Ogami-sensei, after all. "Yes… well, it was just a different way of looking at something I was already thinking about. But I think it did help a little. And it's also something that belongs to Mahoroba."

"Yes. That's important too." Chikane-chan looked forwards, her expression philosophical. "Ignoring tradition has always felt rather mournful for me, since it's something passed down to us. But following it blindly is also meaningless…"

"Ogami-sensei thinks so, too. At least I think so. He's not complacent about his knowledge, he's always researching new things." I smiled. "Though I only really know of him as an amazing story-teller, rather than anything more profound."

"Telling stories is also important," Chikane-chan said strictly.

I smiled at that. It was a little out of character, after all. "And Chikane-chan? Do you know a lot of myths and legends, things like that?"

"More than usual, less than I'd like," Chikane-chan said precisely. "At least, I think so. I'm always so busy working on more practical skills… I'd like to be able to say that, but if I really wanted to learn more I would. I can only put it down to laziness."

I giggled. "Really? You don't seem like a lazy person to me."

"A perfectly hard-working person can be very lazy," Chikane-chan said. "It's something you should judge by what someone could do, not what they have to do."

"I see." I glanced at her, and caught her eyes that were staring into a distance I couldn't quite see. "So that makes you hard-working, right?"

Chikane-chan flushed slightly, looking back at me again. "I didn't mean that, as such it's just an observation."

I nodded. "I'm sure you are a hard-working person, though. What would you say?"

She hesitated for a moment. "I suppose I am, to a point. But-"

I giggled again. "Right? Isn't that enough."

"Well, it helps," Chikane-chan admitted. "But as I was going to say, I'm made to work hard. It's my shortcomings such as the legends that has convinced me I'm not a naturally hard-working person."

"You're very strict with yourself," I observed. "I'm a very lazy person, too."

"I wasn't saying anything like that," Chikane-chan said hurriedly. "I know I have high standards. That's different, though…"

"It's okay. I know I'm lazy," I said. "Mako-chan always reminds me, even if I already know myself. But I manage to do the things I want to do, somehow, and I don't think I'm hurting anyone by it. So is it really a bad thing?"

"I wonder," Chikane-chan said. "I suppose the difference is in my case I don't feel like I'm doing everything I'd like, but you do."

"That's not really about whether you're lazy or not, though," I chided. "It's because you have high standards, right?"

Chikane-chan laughed. "Ah. Perhaps you're right. Is that my vice?" She cocked her head. "Though if I say it like that, it makes me feel like I'm being arrogant again."

I smiled at her. She's an amazingly serious person. It's a little cute. "Shall we sit down at last?" I suggested, indicating an empty bench. "We've walked far enough, right? So we can eat instead."

Chikane-chan nodded. "Okay. That's a good idea."

I walked towards it. "But this park really is nice, isn't it? It has a lively feel to it, but it isn't totally crowded."

Chikane-chan sat down next to me, nodding gracefully. "Yes. I didn't think there'd be a place like this in Tokyo. Elsewhere, I only really heard about the buildings and the national parks of course. Not so much smaller, more normal places like this."

"Right? It's a relief for me, since I've been spoiled by Mahoroba all my life," I commented, reaching into my bag. I found the bento and brought them out, placing them on my lap and untying the cloth. "It's a little simple," I said apologetically, "so I hope something like this is okay."

Chikane-chan gave me a surprised look. "Did you make this yourself?"

I nodded, flushing slightly. "It's all home-made. I did my best with it, but I'm still not as good as I'd like. Or would you rather have something else?"

Chikane-chan shook her head. "Not at all. I'd like to try."

I nodded, feeling slightly relieved, and opened the lid. "I think most of it came out fine, but I'm a little worried about the omelette. I'm weak about them." I offered her a box, and she hesitated for a moment before taking it.

"Thank you very much," Chikane-chan said, giving me another look. "I'll eat it gladly."

"Well, I can eat anything you don't like," I said cheerfully, trying to cover my embarrassment. I'm getting nervous about my cooking again. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"Itadakimasu." Chikane-chan dextrously snapped her chopsticks apart, picking up a piece of omelette immediately.

I opened my own lunch and reached for the chopsticks, watching her nervously as she brought it to her mouth and delicately bit into it. I forced myself to look back at my own food as she chewed without saying a word. That would just be silly-

"It's delicious," Chikane-chan said after swallowing. "You shouldn't worry so much."

"Really?" I asked, sounding more enthusiastic than I should have done.

"Yes." She glanced at me. "Of course, there's room for improvement, but they're perfectly edible."

I deflated slightly. That's a significantly less grand compliment. "I see… what do you think I could improve on?"

"Nothing. I was joking." Chikane-chan gave me a teasing smile. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't do things like that, I know. It's unkind."

I smiled wanly, shaking my head. "Not at all. It makes things more interesting."

"They honestly are very nice," Chikane-chan said, eating another piece. She chewed carefully before swallowing. "But it's also good you asked for improvement. I have to do that a lot, as well…"

"Really?" I asked, finally starting on my own food. "Does Chikane-chan cook too?"

She flushed slightly. "No, Well, really only a little. In my case, it's other things. But the principle's the same."

I nodded. "I see. So you have things like that too. Tell me? What are you interested in?"

Chikane-chan frowned, looking troubled. "Well… what I was talking about is the sort of thing I have to do. Calligraphy, kyudo, kenjutsu, tea ceremony, piano…" She gave me an awkward look.

"That's amazing," I said, wondering why she was being so bashful. "You do that many difficult things?"

"It's strange, isn't it?" Chikane-chan asked, turning her head away. "Besides, they aren't harder or less hard than anything else, right?"

"It's not strange at all," I assured her. "It's wonderful, isn't it? Do you enjoy them?"

"Well, I do," Chikane-chan admitted. "But- but," she said, giving me a pointed look before I could say anything. "Once again, those are things I was told to do and did. I don't feel like they're real hobbies, even if I enjoy them in my own way. It's just more work."

"Really?" I asked curiously. "Do you think it makes that much difference, how you came upon your pastimes?"

"I think it's a little important," Chikane-chan said, looking at her hand thoughtfully. "But it's a little moot, I suppose. Besides, I do have to ask for advice a lot… I have a long way to go, even now. So this is fine."

I frowned thoughtfully. "I see. Well, as long as you're happy with what you're doing. But it would be a shame if you really did regret something like that, since I'm sure you're someone who could do anything you wanted to do."

Chikane smiled weakly. "I'm really not that amazing a person."

I shook my head. "That's not what I mean. I'm not confident myself, but all the same… I'm sure I could do anything I wanted to do, if I really believed in it. I just have to work hard and keep trying, right? That's something even a dull girl like me can do."

"You're not dull," Chikane-chan said severely.

"And you're not strange," I returned, smiling at her.

Chikane sighed, smiling a little back. "I suppose we're both right. I should be more careful about what my say about myself."

I nodded. "Mm. And if you say something silly, I'll be sure to correct you."

"I'll leave it to you," Chikane said, eating a pickle thoughtfully.

"But thank you for telling me these things," I said, looking sidelong at her. "I do appreciate it."

Chikane-chan flushed slightly, staring back as she chewed and swallowed. "It's nothing," she said eventually, turning back to her food. "Nothing important, right?"

I nodded and smiled. "Right."

I took the chance to look up, watching the children playing opposite us. Chikane-chan followed my gaze. "Lively, aren't they?" she commented evenly.

I nodded. "It's a little cute. Do you remember when you were that young?"

Chikane-chan's forehead wrinkled. "Somewhat."

"Me too." I watched them run around thoughtfully. "When I was that young, I got to be that energetic as well. Everything felt urgent and important, running around was natural and playing around was fun. At least, I think that's how it felt. I wasn't very clever. But I was probably happier than I am now."

"You can't remain a child forever, though," Chikane-chan said.

I nodded. "You can't, yes. I also experienced that." I closed my eyes. "How about Chikane-chan?"

"Well…"

"Perhaps you weren't like that," I suggested. "It's a little hard to imagine you playing around like they are."

"I played around, in my own way," Chikane-chan said, sounding a little defensive. "I used to climb trees a lot."

"Really?"

"I could read more peacefully up there, but it was also for its own sake," Chikane-chan said. "Father always scolded me for doing that, when he was around."

"They look so small now," I said. "But when I was that young, everyone else looked so tall. I guess perspective really changes when you age, right?"

"It does," Chikane-chan agreed. "But we also become more nostalgic. I remember some pretty horrible things that other children did to each other from time to time. People like to forget that."

I smiled. "I know… but it's because of the sad things that we prefer to remember the happy things."

"The legend again?"

I shook my head. "That's just how I see things. Not much more than that."

We carried on eating slowly, watching them play in amicable silence. I felt very peaceful, all of a sudden, and it occurred to me that it hadn't occurred to me to be awkward for quite some time. Talking to Chikane-chan didn't seem anywhere near as scary as I'd thought it would be. It was natural, so much so it didn't really feel any different from talking to anyone else. No, maybe more than that. With her, it might even be easier.

I probably shouldn't get greedy with my thoughts, though. We still don't know each other very well.

"Honestly, if I stared at them so openly, I'd be arrested," a male voice said.

Chikane-chan and I both looked round at the same time, staring up at a tall man dressed in white. He had very long light-green hair and really creepy eyes. It creeped me out a little.

"Who are you?" Chikane-chan asked coldly.

"It doesn't matter who I am. This is a coincidence, though." The man turned his back to us, leaning against the back of the bench and sticking his hands in his pockets. "Normally I sit here at this time, every day. I didn't expect to find someone'd actually taken my seat."

His voice was creepy too, but Chikane-chan didn't look scared at all. "This is a free park. There are other free benches, aren't there?"

"Isn't that so. I prefer this one, though." He folded his arms, glancing back at us with unblinking eyes. "How about a favour? You should just move along."

"Ah," I began, trying to say something.

"We don't intend to move anywhere," Chikane-chan said placidly. "Or at least, we don't intend to hurry ourselves. If you want to wait until we're done, mind, you're welcome to do so."

"Oh?" the man asked dangerously.

I winced. It's no good, Chikane-chan. Even if you're brave, it's better to go along with people like this, right? You might get hurt…

"That's all," Chikane-chan said. She returned to her lunch.

"So that's how it is." The man reached into a pocket, making me tense.

I'd scream. This was a public park, right? If I did that somebody would come and help us, right?

But what he pulled out was a packet of cigarettes. "I'm not so bored I'm going to waste any more time, then. Next time, remember this bench is mine." He stuck a cigarette in his mouth before conjuring a lighter from somewhere and lighting it. "Later." He blew out a cloud of smoke as he walked away.

Chikane-chan shrugged in a contained way. "If you say so."

"Oh, yeah." The man stopped and half-turned, regarding us again. "I'm not a charitable person, but one thing. People like us aren't lucky. That won't change, no matter how many times we die."

"If you have to worry, worry about yourself," Chikane-chan said regally. "I don't need your concern, or your threats either."

"So." His eyes met mine. "Tell Souma that too, and say his brother's waiting."

I blinked. "Eh?"

He walked away without looking back.

"Don't dignify him with a response," Chikane advised. "He's just using that to get a rise out of you."

"But… he mentioned Ogami-kun…" I said quietly.

"At best, a coincidence. At worst he's a stalker. Either way there's no meaning in talking to a person like that." Chikane folded her arms. "I should have gone further than I did. I despise people like that."

"You went too far already," I said, taking deep breaths to calm myself down. "It was way too reckless. If he'd started a fight, what would you have done?"

Chikane shrugged. "I'd have won the fight."

"Don't joke around," I insisted. "He was really dangerous. I'm sure of it."

"Yes. He was dangerous," Chikane conceded. She glanced at me. "That's why I knew things would turn out this way."

I blinked. "Sorry?"

"Truly dangerous people don't start fights for no reason," Chikane said firmly. "And they don't attack girls on park benches. They're dangerous because they don't take violence lightly… someone who does that can never be strong to begin with."

I sighed, closing my eyes briefly. "Well, you have amazing confidence. But it's really bad for my heart. Please don't do anything like that again."

Chikane nodded. "If you insist. More importantly, if he does turn up around you again, call me."

I nodded weakly. "Okay. But I'll tell Ogami-kun, too."

"About him?" Chikane asked. "Or about what he said?"

"About him," I said tiredly. "You're right, I guess. I'll just try and forget about the whole thing."

Chikane nodded. "That's for the best. I'm sorry if I scared you… I find it hard to back down, though." She sighed. "That's probably a real character flaw."

I shook my head. "It's okay. Since we weren't hurt, I don't really have any reason to complain."

"Oh, yes," Chikane-chan said, opening her bag. "How about a peace offering?"

"Hm?" I looked past her, but the man in the white coat was nowhere in sight. He must walk very fast.

"Here." Chikane-chan took out a pink bag held shut by a red ribbon. "Cookies. They're not mine, so I can't be proud of them myself… but Otoha-san insisted and baked them for me."

I snapped my attention back to her. Forget him. Forget him. "Really? That's very kind of her."

"Yes. She said this was the least we should do, if I insisted on going this far," Chikane-chan said, smiling at me. She untied the ribbon carefully and opened the bag. "Do you want to try one?"

"Please." I picked one out, admiring the colour and the shape before biting into it. "Ah. It's delicious," I said appreciatively.

"Isn't it?" Chikane-chan agreed, taking one herself. "Otoha-san is a professional, so I'm very spoiled. I'm glad we can share, at least."

"A professional, huh?" I sighed, shaking my head. "No way I can compete with that, after all. She's too different."

"You're not competing with her," Chikane-chan said. "But if you want any advice, you should visit her at some point. I'm sure she'd help you."

"Really?"

"Really," Chikane-chan said. "Only if you want to, though. Don't let me force you into anything."

I shook my head. "No, I'd love to."

And so it was easy enough to drive that man out of my mind, after all. Chikane-chan was the same, too. But I'm sure that even after we parted with smiles and promises, neither of us had forgotten him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chains of Memory: Part 5**

Tired. Bed. A chapter a day is impossible, this much makes me a zombie on off-days...

* * *

"Honesty, why do I have to do something like that?" Otoha-san groused. "Ojou-sama, I know you're kind, but you should consider our circumstances as well. Would you tutor anyone who had a passing interest in calligraphy?"

I looked up from my book, watching her as she carefully dusted the shelves. "That would depend on the circumstances, but I'll concede my schedule leaves little room for such things. If I've spoken rashly, I can always take it back. I don't think Himeko is the kind of person who'd take offence."

"That's another thing," Otoha-san said. "Aren't you speaking of her in an overly familiar way, considering the circumstances? I understand there's no need for any deference, but I'm hoping you aren't giving her the wrong impression."

I smiled. "It's not a matter of deference or not… I haven't known her very long, but I'm more comfortable calling her that now. It's fine, isn't it?"

Otoha-san sighed. "If you insist. But just think what your grandfather would say."

"Grandfather is not here," I pointed out. "Something like this won't trouble him in the least."

"I know. The problem isn't the practicality of it, though. It's the principle of it. You should understand that well enough." Otoha-san stared at my face and sighed. "Never mind. If you're mind's made up, there's nothing more to say."

"Ah. Conversely, I won't force you into anything you want to do," I said reasonably. "I'm sorry for promising something I shouldn't have."

"You're more than entitled to promise something like that," Otoha-san said. "And now you've done that, I'm going to support you. It's a given that I won't ever force you to take back your word, don't worry about that. It's just something to consider for the future."

I sighed. "I really don't want to force this on you, though. There's meaning in it if you're purely doing it for those reasons."

"It isn't as if I'm too worried. If nothing else, it's a chance for me to demonstrate my skills." Otoha-san sniffed. "It just isn't something she can do if she's half-hearted. She'll probably give up after a session or too, and that's fine as well."

I nodded. "Of course. I don't think she'll do it, though. Himeko isn't that kind of person."

"Oh, really?" Otoha-san asked, turning her head and glancing at me with the corner of her eye. "Do you have anything to back up that assertion?"

"Just intuition," I said calmly. "But I have confidence in my intuition, all the same."

She sighed. "I see. If you put it like that, I really have no choice, after all. If she comes, I'll see what I can do."

I nodded. "Thank you. Is any particular time convenient for you? I know you are a busy person."

"There's nothing in my schedule that can't be moved around," Otoha-san said. "Before that, you should probably worry about your own free time, which isn't as flexible as mine. I assume you also want to at least talk to her while she's doing this."

I nodded. "That's an excellent point. Give me a moment." I stood, walking out into the hall. My mind was already turning over what I could remember of my schedule, and was reminding me of her point. Even after I'd parted from Himeko, I hadn't returned here until three hours had passed. The next few days were even worse, and this was before the first term began. I pulled my personal organiser from my bag, clicking through it as I walked back. "Let me see… I have the morning free on Thursday, right?"

"Perhaps," Otoha-san said. "I didn't mention this earlier, but Narimi-sama called briefly while you were away. She asked if you could call her; I imagine she has a meeting in mind, as well."

I sighed. "I see. That isn't something I can delay, so I suppose I can put that in for Thursday, provisionally. Of course, Narimi-dono is also a busy person. It's conceivable our meeting will be later than that."

"Perhaps, but don't count on it," Otoha-san warned me. "You should wait until after you've called her before making definite plans. Well, you could invite your girl too, if Narimi-sama invites her own friends… I'm not sure if that's likely, or if it would suit this Kurusugawa girl at all."

"It would have to be handled carefully," I said cautiously. "Though from what I remember of Narimi, it isn't totally improbable."

"Well, it's true she's reputed as an outgoing and sociable person," Otoha-san said, finishing the last shelf. "But don't forget the purpose of these occasions. It's not merely socialisation. This is networking."

That word again. I stared at my planner in a detached away. "I know. Narimi-dono would be a valuable person to know in this place, if she was so inclined. She's not a person I'm going to treat casually."

"Of course," Otoha-san said. "Though it's also true that she shouldn't take us lightly, either." She swept off, hiding the duster somewhere before walking back and carefully replacing the plants.

I nodded distractedly. "Friday evening might also be possible. I can't count on the morning, though, since I'm still waiting to hear from Chikara-sensei." I sighed, closing my eyes briefly. "However I look at it, my schedule is rather fraught."

"It has begun that way. It will become more regular from next week onwards, if not more free," Otoha-san reminded me. "If you're genuinely worried, there are concessions that can be made. But it surprises me that you're concerned all of a sudden."

"No." I frowned, looking down at the floor. "There's no need for any concessions. I don't intend to relax just because I'm on my own now. It simply makes things a little more difficult, but that can't be helped."

"I see. Well, you know your limits better than anyone else," Otoha-san said. "Just don't over-work yourself, Ojou-sama. If it's a choice between that or easing off, the latter is far less damaging."

"I know. Don't worry. As you say, I can handle myself."

I narrowed my eyes. Yes, that's right. Himeko is an interesting and endearing person, but I have to remember my own priorities as well. Losing to Isato isn't an option at all.

"Touching on something else, you're being entertained to dinner again, aren't you?" Otoha-san reminded me. "You should get ready. And if you intend to call Narimi-sama now, you can't afford to wait much longer."

I nodded, snapping the personal organiser shut. "I know. I'll prepare." I put it on the table, standing. "Will you help me dress?"

"Of course," Otoha-san said, putting the last plant back into place. She turned and nodded her head. "It would be my honour."

I followed her back into the space she'd designated as my dressing room, finding myself lost in thought again. If it's just being invited out by various people, I'm totally caught up in that right now. Expensive restaurants and grand houses, indeed. Offices too. And the company I'm keeping is hardly any less grand than those places. And even beyond that, I know that we're only patronising the top-rankers. There are literal dozens of others who entertain hopes of an appointment for their own reasons… so I've no reason to complain about my situation, or decry the lack of company, or say my life is less than perfect. It would be churlish in the extreme to denounce my circumstances, if I think even for a moment about the lives of others. But notwithstanding that, these things aren't what I could call leisure. Ranking, appointment, it's all bound up in my status, and so it's almost work. Every one of them is acutely aware of my status, whether it's as their equals or their better, the best want mutual benefits and the others just want something for themselves. It's a matter of courtesy, pragmatism and my family's august principle to meet with them. So these people aren't what I could truthfully call friends.

"Considering your host is Katsuki-sama and the restaurant he named, I'd recommend the powder-blue cocktail-dress," Otoha-san said, picking it out from the wardrobe and holding it up. "Is that acceptable?"

I nodded, looking at it without really seeing it. Katsuki-sama is seven years older than I am, if I recall correctly. Even so, I don't have any hesitation about dressing to my advantage. If the occasion is driven by pure pragmatism I'll take any advantage I can get. "That will be fine."

Otoha-san sighed, returning the dress to its place again and holding out her hands. "If only the selection of clothes wasn't so limited… if there's anything I miss more than my kitchen, it's that."

"This much is fine for now," I said, taking off my jacket and handing it to her. "If anything more proves necessary, we can buy it then."

"I know," Otoha-san said, folding it and putting it to one side. "But with clothes, I don't know what you need until I've seen it."

I untied my belt, handing that to her, before reaching back and untying my dress. "Isn't that just impulse buying?"

"It's art," Otoha-san replied defensively. "I can't have confidence that you have clothes for every occasion just with this, and being seen in the same outfit too much isn't acceptable. I shall have to order the household to send some of your other dresses."

"Then I'll leave it to your judgement," I said, stepping carefully out of the one-piece and handing it to Otoha-san. She slipped it onto a spare hanger, returning it to its place, while I stood expectantly, naked except for my underwear and brassiere. "Just don't go overboard."

"I know," Otoha-san replied patiently, picking up the dress she'd chosen for me. "This place is small enough as it is. I understand Tokyo prices are high even for a city, Ojou-sama, but you could have selected somewhere larger."

"This is plenty," I said. By the standards of other people, we both know this is already large.

Otoha-san deftly stepped around me, helping me into the dress and adjusting it while I waited patiently, following her tacit instructions. Perhaps more than anything else, this is a connection between us. The one thing she would allow no other maid to do, and if I don't share her enthusiasms it's also because I trust in her knowledge and passion. In cooking and clothing, she is totally reliable. "This should be fine," she said, walking around me before stepping back and letting me look at the mirror. "A choker may be more appropriate than the shell, though. And is the hair-band really necessary? It makes you look a little childish."

"As you know, I don't intend to dispense with the shell," I reminded her.

"I know," Otoha-san said tiredly. "I do wish you would consider it, though. And the headband?"

"I suppose that will be okay," I said, carefully pulling it out and handing it to her. Concessions of good will are important if you want to lead a peaceful life, after all.

"You have beautiful hair, it doesn't need accessories," Otoha-san chided. She cast around for her combs and brushes while I waited patiently.

I looked at myself, feeling rather different from before. But perhaps the difference wasn't merely the clothes. The Chikane who spent time with Himeko, in a dream and in reality, was smiling. This person before me is frowning, stern, far more inscrutable than honest, far more calculating than kind. I'd say I'm a different person now, but this is probably my usual self. If that's so, perhaps, I'm a different person around Himeko. For some reason, I don't feel any tension when I'm talking to her. Whether I'm listening to her or laughing with her or talking about myself. Even protecting her felt natural and simple. Because Himeko doesn't have any expectations of me. Even if she hates me, it won't harm me or my family. That's precisely why I don't want her to hate me.

Then I can't ever invite her to accompany me when I meet with Narimi or anyone else like that. I can't let her see this side of me. These parts of my life must be kept apart.

I looked into my own eyes in the mirror as Otoha-san began to comb my hair. That would be for the best.

* * *

"So it went well, then?" Souma asked, looking up at me.

I nodded. "Yes. I think so, anyway. We talked about a lot, and agreed to meet up again. She says she'll phone me this time, which is a bit of a relief."

"Don't get too lazy just because of something like that," Mako-chan warned me playfully. "Honestly, aren't you getting cocky, just because you've gotten a Himemiya interested in you?"

She reached out to rub my head but I ducked instinctively out of the way, carrying on eating my noodles. "And thank you for the idea, Ogami-kun. It helped a lot."

"It's nothing. I should be congratulating you," Souma said. "I know from Isato, even though this kind of person can be amicable enough, it's still hard work to deal with them at times."

"Do you think so?" I asked. "It didn't seem that way at all, to me."

He frowned. "Really?"

Mako-chan sighed. "I hope you're not forgetting the situation, all the same. It's great if you two get on, but if you get your expectations up you might end up being very disappointed."

"I see." I frowned, sighing slightly. "I guess that's true. And it's not as if I've forgotten how amazing a person Chikane-chan is. Even when she talks normally, that'd probably be impossible."

Mako-chan nodded guardedly, squinting at me. "Well, just as long as you know, it's okay."

"I guess in a way I don't have any expectations," I elaborated, looking down at my food. "This already feels like a fairy tale, so if it ended it I'd be okay. But I also feel more comfortable around Chikane-chan now. She's clever and sophisticated and serious and witty… that's nothing to do with her being a Himemiya, though. She's just Chikane-chan."

"Ahhh… it must be nice," Mako-chan said, leaning on her hand. "Being so familiar with someone like that. Whether it's being close to her or just you being fluffy-headed, I'm still envious."

I flushed slightly. Fluffy-headed? "You're cruel, Mako-chan."

"The cruel one is you," Mako-chan complained, smiling at me. "You've jumped ahead of me while I was still unpacking my bags and starting living an interesting life. I'm not going to have time to slack off."

I smiled at that. "It's not really anything like that, you know."

"You mean a humble student like you socialising with the Himemiya-hime isn't a big deal?" Mako-chan demanded playfully. "Have you lost your sense of scale again? Well?"

She tugged my cheek playfully. "Ah, stop it," I said, struggling playfully. "You're hurting me, Mako-chan…"

"If you didn't have me around you'd totally lose your perspective, and find demonic good luck normal," Mako-chan teased, letting go of me. "But I won't lose! Just you watch, I'll find a really handsome, athletic boyfriend, and then we'll be even."

Souma smiled at our antics, putting his chopsticks down. "Gochisōsama. It was delicious, so thanks for putting up with me again."

"Thank you." I shook my head. "And it's nothing. We like talking to you. Right, Mako-chan?"

"Right. You're welcome to come around here whenever you like." Mako-chan glanced at him. "Though whether that's a good idea or not is another question."

"I suppose I'll take that as a welcome," Souma said, sighing weakly. "In any case, I'm glad it went well. It'd be nice if you could keep this up when the term starts."

I nodded. "I'm sure Chikane-chan will be busy, though. Mako-chan's right, I'll just see how things go."

"Well, even if I say that, that doesn't mean you shouldn't go all out," Mako-chan said. "I don't know whether rich girls prefer chasing or being chased, but either way, it's best if you're someone she can't ignore."

"That's a pretty aggressive way of putting it," Souma noted. "It's not like this is a competition or anything."

"That kind of laid-back attitude is your weakness to begin with," Mako-chan said firmly. "Figure out the other person and keep pushing. Romance or friendship, it's all the same… well, if you consider the difference between us and Himemiya-hime, it's best if we consider this like a romance, since it's that difficult, right?"

I flushed, blinking. "Romance? It's nothing like that!"

"A relationship that can only bloom in specific rather than convenient places, specific meetings, a specific distance from us mere friends," Mako-chan said, raising a finger. She smirked, closing her eyes. "If you consider it that way, the metaphor counts."

"Like I said, it's nothing like that," I repeated irritably. "I just think she's a really interesting person, so I want to impress her if I can."

"Then it's too bad we can't impress her," Mako-chan teased. "But if this is what you're comfortable with, that's also fine."

I sighed. "It's not about comfort or anything, it's just… I don't know why, exactly. In any case, getting to know Chikane-chan is important to me right now." I sighed. "Besides, I'm afraid if I introduced her to you two she'd be far more interested in you. I'm not really very outstanding, but all three of you are different, so-"

"What are you talking about?" Mako-chan asked, pulling my ear again. "You're the one who's making friends with her. I couldn't do that, you know, I wouldn't be fluffy-headed enough to even try. You're not allowed to be hard on yourself!"

"Ow-ow-ow." I smiled weakly. "Okay, okay, I'll bear that in mind…"

"Besides, that sounds like a girlfriend's insecurity," Mako-chan, stopping abruptly when I poked her in the forehead. "Hey! You're not allowed to do that!"

"You're being silly, so I'm allowed," I said lightly.

"Hmm," Mako-chan said, before being cut off when her phone rang. "Damnit. Just when things were getting good, too." She sighed, standing up. "Sorry, I'll be brief. Himeko, give Souma a pat on the head and then kick him out or something, whatever'll keep him at his ease."

I nodded at her retreating back. "If you don't mind, I'll clean up. Sorry about this."

"Not at all. I'll help," Souma said, picking up his own bowl.

"Thank you." I walked back to my little kitchen space, putting everything down and preparing to wash the bowls. "How are things with you? Are you settling into your new place okay?"

"It's okay," Souma said. "It's not cheap or large and it doesn't feel anything like home yet. I'm surrounded by people I don't know, too." He sighed. "It's a big change from Mahoroba, right?"

I nodded. "There everyone knew everyone, but there's no way that would be possible in a place like this." I turned on the water. "I'm sorry, Ogami-kun. I've been talking about myself all evening again."

"It's fine," Souma said, putting his bowl down and stepping away. "If it were up to me, I'd only ask about you anyway. Saotome is right. Neither of us are doing anything particularly interesting, so it's only natural things would turn out this way."

"That's not true." I glanced at him. "Have you found a place for martial arts yet?"

"Not yet," he said. "I've been busy dealing with finances. I want to have a definite idea before term starts, but that won't be easy."

"Hey, Himeko?" Mako-chan said loudly. "Are you free to talk for a bit?"

I blinked, glancing at her. She had a rather tired expression on her face. "Uhm… I guess so…"

"Then catch." Mako-chan threw her phone at me. I hurriedly tried to catch it, but it slipped through my fingers.

Souma stooped and caught it deftly, handing it to me. "Here."

"Thank you." I put the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"_Kurusugawa?"_ a sharp voice asked. _"What's this nonsense about you knowing Isa-sama's cousin?"_

I blinked. "Yes?"

"Aha. So it was a lie. Makoto's still pridefully deceptive…"

"Uhm… who is this?" I asked nervously. It somehow felt like I'd be thrust into a conversation I'd mostly missed with a person I didn't know.

"Izumi! Izumi Asai! Have you already forgotten me or something?"

I smiled with relief. "Ah, Izumi-chan! It's been a while."

"_Don't been a while me!" _Izumi said righteously. _"It hasn't been long enough for you to forget me, you idiot."_

I winced. "Sorry, sorry. I hadn't forgotten you, I just didn't recognise your voice…""Oh, well. More importantly, Makoto's maintaining you've been talking to Isa-sama's cousin. Himemiya… Chikane Himemiya, isn't it? But there's no way that could be true, of course."

"Uhm…" I shifted my grip on the phone, feeling away. "Well, it's not like it isn't true."

"What?"

"I've been talking with her, though we've only met twice," I said. "But we're going to meet up again, so I'm a little glad. Why?"

"_You mean Makoto was serious? But that can't be possible." _Izumi sounded shocked. _"You aren't going along with her, are you? If it's you, that's hard to imagine, but…"_

I blinked. "No, it's true. Just as long as Mako-chan hasn't been blowing things out of proportion again. I've only met her twice, like I said, and I still don't know very much about her. I hope she hasn't given the wrong impression or anything."

"So you don't meet her in a park today? Just the two of you?"

"No, I did do that," I said, feeling confused.

_Ah, do you have any photographic evidence?" _Izumi sighed. _"Or is that too easy to fake…"_

I frowned, feeling slightly irritated. "If you don't want to believe me, I don't mind. I'll hand it back to Mako-chan."

"_Wait! Wait." _Izumi breathed out. _"I'm sorry, but it's just really hard to believe, okay? You knowing Ogami-sama so well is strange enough to begin with, but if you know a Himemiya well enough for that too…some people have all the luck…"_

Honestly, she doesn't have a very good attitude. "Things have turned out that way, that's all," I said meekly.

"_So, what is she like?" _Izumi asked urgently. _"Is she as impressive as Isato-sama? Beautiful? Intelligent? Sophisticated? Elegant?"_

I sighed, feeling a little overwhelmed. "Yes."

"Yes? What kind of answer is that?"

"Well, it's true," I said. "She's all those things, and I didn't know Isato-sama too well, but I get the same kind of feeling from her. She sounds like she's good at a lot of things, she dresses well, she's beautiful and she's also kind. She has blue eyes and hair, just like him. Her skin's paler, though. She's a good person."

"_I see. I guess that's expected of Isa-sama's cousin. It's too bad she didn't stay in Mahoroba. Looking up to someone like that would have been inspiring."_

"Chikane-chan's not just like that, though," I said uncomfortably. "I mean, she's still very different from Isato. She can be overly serious, she's surprisingly gentle and forgiving, and she can even be bashful at times. It's not like she's all of those things because she's related to him, she just is like that…"

"_No, this is definitely a matter of them being Himemiya," _Izumi said breezily. _"That family is truly different from normal people. Ah, I'm so jealous of you, getting close to someone like that. No, other than that, does she ever talk about Isa-sama? His likes and dislikes, things like that?"_

I sighed again. If it's Izumi, it's hopeless. There's no way she'd be able to accept Chikane-chan as a real person. "She's never really talked about him, no. She doesn't mention her family very much."

"_I suppose she doesn't want to make you feel too bad. That makes sense. It's disappointing, though…you should ask her about his taste in girls. This is for the good of us all, Kurusugawa."_

"Even if you say that, I don't think Chikane-chan will have any answers," I said patiently. "She's been in and around Kobe before now, and she doesn't really know her cousin at all."

"_I see. That's disappointing. But I suppose it makes sense._" Izumi paused for a moment. _"Well, it's decided."_

I blinked. "Decided?"

"_Next time you go and see Chikane-sama, invite us along too," _Izumi said. _"You will introduce us as your good friends, so we can also get to know her. Mm. It's settled. I'll tell the others."_

"The others?" I asked, stalling for time. I don't mean to be unkind, but I'm almost sure that Chikane-chan would have a really hard time dealing with Izumi. But I'm also a really bad liar, and I can't just tell her the truth.

"Misaki and Kyoko, of course. Have you forgotten everything, you silly girl?"

No, bearing that in mind, there's no way I could lie enough to go through with this plan at all. "I see," I said weakly. "I don't know what we're doing next, though… or even if there will be another meeting. Chikane-chan is a very busy person, so it can't be helped."

"_You sounded confident earlier, so promise to call if it does happen," _Izumi said firmly. _"Besides, how long are you going to refer to Chikane-sama in that overly familiar way? It's totally inappropriate, you know."_

"I'll see what I can do," I said evasively. No, there was no way I could let this happen. Even if it meant being dishonest and unkind, I didn't like it, but I also didn't like being strangled by other people. It was harder to think of a faster way to destroy my relationship with Chikane-chan, and when I thought of that, my heart hardened a little. This had nothing to do with them, after all. I was the one who'd befriended Chikane-chan. Did they really think I'd just let them use me for their own agenda, something Chikane-chan would never want in the first place? That wasn't even a good joke. It was really, really irritating. They were taking me lightly, weren't they? I opened my mouth, taking a breath.

"_Well, that will have to do. You can hand it back to Mako-chan now."_

I sighed, deflating. Never mind. Even if I shouted and shouted into I was hoarse, it probably wouldn't do any good. "Okay. Hold on a second." I walked across the room, finding Mako-chan sitting and talking to Souma. "Here."

She sighed and took it. "It's me again. You've spent long enough monopolising her time." She stood, walking towards the free corner of the room.

I collapsed, forcing myself into a sitting position and sighing. I felt ten times more exhausted than after my meeting with Chikane-chan.

"What's wrong?" Souma asked, sounding concerned. "You look exhausted. Is there a problem?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine," I said. "I'm just tired. It's been a long day."

Souma nodded. "I see. I'd like to stay longer, but I'd better be getting back. I held on this long so I could say goodbye to you properly."

I nodded. "Thank you. Have a safe trip home."

"I will." Souma scrambled up, brushing himself off. "And call if you're worried about anything, okay? I'll talk to you whenever you like."

I nodded, giving him a hesitant look. I'd suddenly remembered that man in the park. I hadn't mentioned him to Mako-chan or Souma. They'd only worry about me. But all the same, he'd mentioned Souma. What if Souma was in danger somehow? But it was hard to imagine. He'd only just arrived here, just like us.

"Himeko?"

I blinked myself out of my trance, reaching up and rubbing my forehead. "Sorry. I really am getting tired."

"I see. Get some sleep," Souma advised. "Don't force yourself, okay?"

I nodded, watching him go. And Mako-chan continued to argue vocally with Izumi in the corner, reproaching her about something or other. I don't know why those two keep in touch to begin with. And for my part, I was tired. All of a sudden, I really was.

I slapped my cheeks, fighting the impulse to simply curl up into a ball and go to sleep. No, I still needed to wash up and take care of other things. I couldn't leave Mako-chan stuck like that. And so with effort I forced myself up and walked towards the kitchen, trying to keep my mind clear. But now I was left in silence, I realised how much I had to think about. Izumi was… a strange person… but she's also a reminder. For those who know the name Himemiya at all, the distance between that and a common person really is so great. It's only something that would matter in a place like Mahoroba and its traditions, not here. But it's also something I can't leave behind. On a more fundamental level than merely her name, Chikane-chan is different from me. Just because she doesn't seem to mind my company, that doesn't mean others won't find it strange. And if that's the case, I might end up troubling her.

I poured the water, beginning to wash the bowls. And then the man. I couldn't forget him, either. Even Chikane-chan was unabashed, those sharp features, those red eyes… they sent shivers down my spine even if I was just remembering them. Even his memory has an incredible presence to it, a heavy fear that weighs me down. Chance encounter or not, it's hard to feel secure, even here, which should be my safest place right now.

And then there was Chikane-chan herself. I put the bowls aside, smiling weakly. At least that had been a good memory. A lot of her was exactly what I'd expected her to be. Some of her was very different, though. She chased odd thoughts, and was really hard on herself, and she could also be bashful when I didn't expect her to do so. And when confronted by danger, she was dangerously fearless. She hadn't even faltered for an instant. Yes. A lot different, in small ways. But that makes her more rather than less interesting to me.

I blinked slowly as I yawned. I just had to wait until we met again. I want to see the kind of things she can show me about herself, and what I can show her about myself. Since this girl who seemed like a fairy tale is becoming a little more real for me, I want to see that more than anything else right now.


	6. Chapter 6

Chains of Memory: Part Six

**Chains of Memory: Part 6**

And some chapters go according to plan. Things are beginning to move.

By the way, has anyone else noticed that the most popular yuri girls in anime's school- Shizuru, Chikane et al- never seem to have actual friends? They only have love interests. Imagine how different their stories would have been if they had someone to tug their ears and call them idiots when they were brooding...

* * *

I returned late and tired, opening the door and stepping through. "I'm back."

"Welcome back." Otoha-san bowed her head, holding out her hands to take my coat. "I hope things went well. If you like, sit down. I've prepared your usual tea."

I handed her the coat, nodding. "Please." I slipped out of my shoes and into my slippers, walking forwards.

"You haven't missed any calls, or anything else of note," Otoha-san assured me, hanging my coat up and walking swiftly to the kitchen. "And I've finished unpacking."

"Thank you for your hard work." I sat down at the table, closing my eyes briefly as she brought the teapot and cup over. "I'm sorry to trouble you."

"This isn't any trouble to speak of." Otoha slid the cup across to me. "How did the meeting go? Was Katsumi-sama agreeable company?"

"We talked amicably enough," I said. "But it was in a strictly formal sense a conversation about safe topics we both know. I suppose that's to be expected, though."

"Of course. There's no point in discussing controversy."

"There's no passion without it," I shot back. "Carefully vetting any statement for propriety is difficult even for me."

"Which is do the good, because it means Ojou-sama doesn't have a stiflingly orthodox mind," Otoha-san pointed out. "I know it must be difficult, but please bear with that."

"I know. I know." I sighed, sipping my tea and calming myself. "I'm not being fair to Katsuki-sama, either. I'm just irritable today, for some reason. But this is only how the game is played. It's nothing I should become agitated about."

"Precisely." Otoha-san gave me a thoughtful look before walking away. "Please enjoy yourself. I will be a moment."

I nodded, steadying myself with another sip of the tea. As ever, it was exquisite, just what I needed to steady myself after a very long day. And she was entitled to giving me a strange look. Admitting as much as I had was unusual for me. I closed my eyes again. If I were to point to anything, I'd say it was the encounter with that man. Even accounting for the circumstances, I felt an incredible antagonism for him. As much as I'd like to say I wasn't ruffled by that encounter, it had shaken me. Not because he scared me, or I had reason to be dissatisfied by the outcome. He did give way to me. But in a way that was the problem. He didn't really care about that. So in a way I hadn't beaten him. Which was ridiculous. I didn't need to beat him to begin with. I probably wouldn't ever see him again.

Those red eyes had irked me, though. How he stood and how he looked all spoke of someone who looked down on the world. A mere thug shouldn't have eyes like that. It was beyond arrogant.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." Otoha-san approached me from behind and carefully slid my hair-band back into place. "I hope the tea is to your satisfaction."

I turned my head to glance back at her and smiled a little. "Yes. It is wonderful, as always."

"I'm glad." Otoha returned my gaze before turning her head. "Please wait. I will pour a hot bath for you before finishing up here for today."

"Thank you. I would appreciate it." I watched her go, feeling the reassuring weight of my hair-band and her careful support. I shouldn't feel too bad, perhaps. Everyone has days like this. I just have to remember what I have, the people and feelings who support me.

I sipped my tea before pulling out my pendant, looking at it again. I wonder what that girl would say in a situation like this. Not that I could burden her with this, of course. I'm sure she has her own problems and worries.

I did need to arrange our next meeting, though. _What would be best?_ I mused, letting my finger run around the rim of my cup. Calling too soon could be over-eager, too late would be taking her consent for granted. Neither would leave a good impression. Perhaps I was worrying too much, though. Himeko didn't like someone who would be easily offended. Though she'd probably be easily hurt when she was offended, I think. She has that sense of vulnerability about her.

I pinched my nose, forcing myself to focus. I needed to come to a practical decision right now. Lyrics played out in my head don't add to that at all. And when I think about it, that may be the key. This strange little side-story I was playing out with her didn't need any of my help to be over-complicated. If I simply wanted to continue, I should simply do that in a straight-forwards way. First, though, I finished my tea and washed everything, careful not to spill anything on my dress. Otoha-san would be making my futon; there was no need to leave her any extra work. Even I could do this much.

And when I was done, that was when I retrieved my mobile and prepared to ring her number. Was this time of night okay, though? I might be interrupting her. I looked down at the floor with an unusual feeling of uncertainty. It would keep. Tomorrow would also be fine. Best not to risk it.

I'd just about managed to put my phone back when Otoha-san returned. "Are you ready for your bath?"

I nodded. "Thank you."

She shook her head. "Not at all. Do you intend to use this room later on?"

I shook my head. "I'll retire to my room after this. Locking up is fine."

"I understand. I've prepared your usual bathing salts and shampoo. Please take your time, and call me if you want any assistance."

I nodded, walking across the room and heading for the bathroom. I stripped swiftly and neatly, letting Otoha-san take my clothes, and closed the door. She'd placed my pyjamas ready as well, of course, along with soft fluffy towels, but I didn't feel like sparing time for anything right now but sinking into the warm, cleansing water in peace.

I'd call Himeko in the morning. Definitely.

* * *

_When I come too I am dreaming._

_I look at myself who looks at me, smiling amicably. "Welcome back. I was wondering when I'd see you again."_

_Her violet eyes gaze unblinkingly at my face. She is dressed in the uniform of my school again… yes, that was right. I had been here before. I'd seen her before. I must have forgotten it. I raise a hand, opening my mouth to say something, but no words come. So I looked down at myself, and saw my hand. I am dressed in the same uniform._

_She gestures for me to follow, turns away with her school bag and begins to run up the hill. I feel a thrill of sudden fear, but I can't call her back. I chase after her instead. She is carrying bento, as well. I'm not carrying anything. It feels like that's the only difference between us, and I think it would be a little bad if people saw two of me, even a dream. But even though she trades greetings with the occasional person, no one says anything to me as I chase after her. Not even when I accidentally bump into someone. I can't apologise, either. It's rather lonely._

_But she is getting ahead, and I feel that thrill of fear again. I hurry up, panting for breath as I run laboriously up the steps. I don't remember ever being as light on my feet as her. I guess I can't tell how tired she really is, though. Perhaps I just can't see it from here, and she does slow down after a while. I finally catch up with her and follow her gaze._

_What I'm looking at is Chikane-chan. She's magnificent in our uniform, walking calmly up the steps ahead of us with her long blue hair spilling out beautifully behind her. It would have been nice to go to the same school as her. I suppose that part of this dream makes sense. I look sideways at myself and she's also looking up at Chikane-chan, her eyes alive with admiration. It's a little embarrassing, to see myself looking like that. Do I do that? I'll admit it's easy to admire Chikane-chan, though._

_The other girls all say good morning, and call her Miya-sama. Chikane-chan replies politely. Myself doesn't move to do that, though, though she starts climbing up the steps again. I suppose that makes sense, the fact that they don't know each other. No, that's natural. Maybe it's how things should be._

_I still can't say anything. I wave my hand in front of myself curiously, and she turns briefly and smiles at me again. "Sorry. She doesn't want to see you yet."_

_I look at her, feeling surprised. None of this makes very much sense, even for a dream._

"_Come back later and I'm sure she'll talk to you. But she's busy worrying about other people right now." She giggles gently. "Because she's Chikane-chan." _

_I nod, wondering whether she'd at least understand that much. _

_She bows formally. "Then I'll see you later."_

_She runs up the rest of the steps, walking inside the school gates. I stand there as everyone else walks past me without a glance or a word, and eventually I am alone. The wind blows through my hair as I simply stand there, waiting and waiting and waking up._

I fell into something approaching awakening, becoming aware of my sticky body caught between the covers. My chest felt really heavy and my head was hazy and messed up. What was that… dream… but it didn't feel like it had rested me at all. More importantly, I could remember now, all kinds of details. I hadn't remembered before. I tried to turn over, resting my head for another catnap, but for some reason I couldn't move. So instead I forced my eyes to open, blinking heavily and looking up. There was something blue there… two blue things… my mind worked sluggishly before my eyes decided to refocus on what was actually in front of me.

Mako-chan's face was looming over me. Startled, I instinctively tried to jump up, only to find I couldn't move because was sitting on me. "Mako-chan!"

"What, so you're finally awake?" Mako-chan asked lightly, pushing off the bed and letting me go. "What's with that stoner-face? You're still way too slow in the morning, you silly girl."

I shook my head rapidly, managing with difficulty to regain my usual heart rate. "You're cruel, Mako-chan. You scared me."

"If I didn't scare you, you wouldn't wake up," Mako-chan chided, leaning forwards again and flicking me on the cheek. She was fully dressed. "Now hurry up. Today's the day we're going to buy the books we need, remember? If we hang around here all day, we won't have time for anything but that."

I rubbed my eyes, yawning heavily and forcing myself into a sitting position. "Okay, okay. Just give me a little time to wake up…"

"I'll give you two minutes, okay?" Mako-chan teased. "After that, I'll chase you out with a pillow again."

"Yes, yes." I yawned again, but adrenaline had forced most of the tiredness from my limbs again. Honestly, I'm going to feel terrible later. But I suppose it does work now. I pulled myself out of the futon and sat on it, thinking of standing up, then caught myself for a moment. That dream still bloomed in my memory like a flower, and I could recall every word of it. That was supposed to be pretty rare, wasn't it? You don't normally remember your dreams. But I'm not surprised when it was something so weird as that. I picked at the corners of my eyes, sighing. Honestly, I met Chikane-chan two days ago. However much it feels like it was longer, dreaming about her is pretty embarrassing. And it was a really confusing dream, but if I told anyone they'd laugh at me. I'm just going to have to manage.

I stood shakily. It was only a dream, though. There's no meaning in reading too much into it.

I struggled into my clothes, stooping to pick up my mobile and slip it into the pocket of my jacket. Then I knelt and searched through my untidy pile of belongings for my comb. I need to tidy things away properly before I hurt myself, but it takes so long. In the end I founded it and headed to the bathroom, nodding and smiling at Mako-chan as I passed her. "Good morning. I'm up at last."

"Good morning," Mako-chan said, looking up from some kind of letter. I wonder what she's looking at. Maybe more bills or something. I'm really lucky I have someone like her to deal with the complicated things. I don't really understand this stuff at all.

I looked into the small mirror and sighed. As I'd feared, my hair was a complete mess again. This always happens in the mornings. I combed it down as best I could, washed my face and cleaned my teeth before rejoining Mako-chan in the main room a little more awake. The letter had disappeared, replaced by our book lists as she went over them again. "I'll fix breakfast, shall I?" I asked, smiling at her.

Mako-chan nodded, putting her pen down. "Then I'll go on my morning run. Don't worry. I'll be back in time to eat, though."

I nodded. "Okay. Take care."

"Don't worry about me," she said, grabbing her running shoes and putting them on. "Just concentrate on the food. That's the important thing!"

I nodded again, getting to work as she ran out. She's still working hard even though term-time hasn't even begun. I wish I could say the same about myself, but never mind.

But at least I can cook. I think the best part of being away from the dorms I used so long at school is being able to cook whenever I like. It's a little convenient.

And then there's Chikane-chan's offer. Should I take her up on that or stick to safer things? I want to improve, but I don't want to impose on her. Maybe I'd become a bother if I hung around her house too much. But one or two times would be fine, right? I guess I should do that.

I was so lost in my thoughts I didn't notice my phone ringing for the first few seconds. After that, I hurriedly pulled it out of my pocket and answered it. "Hello?"

"_Good morning, Himeko."_

I brightened considerably. "Chikane-chan! Good morning."

"_Ah. I hope you slept well."_

"I did," I said, lying a little bit. But no need to worry her. "And you? How are you feeling?"

"_I'm very well. Thank you for asking. And thank you for yesterday. I enjoyed myself."_

I shook my head. "Not at all. I need to thank you. It was nice to meet you, and you also protected me."

"_It was nothing. You were more level-headed than me then." _Chikane-chan took a breath. _"Putting that aside, are you free Friday evening?"_

"I'm free," I said quickly, before squinting and trying to remember whether I actually was. I couldn't remember anything, but I shifted sideways to check the calendar. "Yep, I don't have anything planned."

"_Excellent. If you don't mind, would you like to meet in Kinuta Park again? We can look at the bird sanctuary and the art gallery this time. If you don't mind going to the same place twice, anyway."_

"That's fine," I said happily. "It sounds like fun. I'd love too."

"_That's good," _Chikane-chan said, sounding relieved. _"And Otoha-san agreed, so if you like, you can come back to our apartment and have her teach you a little afterwards. You can decide on that later, though. How about six by the same bus stop?"_

"That's fine," I repeated. Anything was fine. The important thing was that I was meeting Chikane-chan again.

"_Of course, I won't keep you out too late. So it's settled, then?"_

"Yep," I said, scrabbling around for a pen. Actually, I'd better write all this down so I don't forget. That could be really bad, or else just really embarrassing.

"_Good. So… I will see you then, I suppose."_

"Yes," I said, trying to think of some pretext to talk to her a little more. "Um, what are you doing today?" I flushed slightly. "Or rather, am I interrupting anything?"

Chikane-chan chuckled. _"I'm free right now. But later this morning I need to shop for a few presents, so I'll be going out, and I'm overseeing the arrival of some property in the afternoon, and in the evening I'm meeting with someone else."_

"You keep really busy," I said, feeling a little awed.

"_This is just the first week, though,"_ she noted. _"Things should settle down soon. But in the meantime, I'm expected to meet and mingle with a lot of people. It's very tiring."_

"I see." I shouldn't be surprised that Chikane-chan is like that. Of course she's a popular person, she would be anyway, and she's even famous in one way. I shouldn't expect anything else. "Who are the presents for?"

"I'm back." Mako-chan walked through the door, panting for breath, and glanced up at me in surprise. I waved at her.

"_It's a courtesy for my parents and my grandfather and a few of the people I'm going to be meeting,"_ Chikane-chan said. _"It's vital for me to take some care, though. They're important presents for people I respect and people more esteemed than me."_

"I see," I said slowly. "So, where are you going to shop?"

"_Unfortunately, I don't know the area very well. I was going to start at Tamagawa Takashimaya, since that's fairly convenient for me."_

"Really?" I asked, surprised. "We were thinking of looking in the bookshops around there. They're pretty convenient for us, too."

"_I see. You and I have our fair share of coincidences." _Chikane-chan giggled. _"Though I wondered about this since the park meeting. That place is very convenient for me, but it was your suggestion… then again, we also met at the crosswalk. I suppose it's probable that we live close, since we know each other at all. I live in an apartment at Futako Tamagawa."_

"I see. We live in Yoga. The cheap side, though," I said sheepishly. "So we're only a station apart."

"_How convenient. We're rather lucky, aren't we?"_

I flushed. "I suppose we are… um. If we're both going shopping there this morning, maybe we could meet up? If we wouldn't be a burden to you."

"_We?" _Chikane-chan asked curiously.

"Me and Mako-chan," I explained. "I think Ogami-kun's doing something else today."

"_I see. That should be fine. How about we meet at the entrance of my station at ten?"_

"That would be great," I said. "We'll see you there."

"_Yes. Give my regards to… ah… Mako-chan."_

"I will. Bye!"

"_Goodbye."_

I ended the call, grinning. Another chance to see Chikane-chan. She's right, I'm a really fortunate person.

"So just what have you decided by yourself?" Mako-chan asked, sitting on a chair and glaring at me.

I fell out of my happy haze again. "Uhm, that is, Chikane-chan's also going to Futako Tamagawa to shop this morning, so I arranged for us to meet up with her."

"I see." Mako-chan glanced at me. "Well, I'd be lying if I'm not interested in a chance to see your Chikane-chan. But next time ask me first, okay?"

I nodded. "Sorry, Mako-chan. I got a little carried away again."

She sighed, giving me a wry smile. "I suppose it wouldn't be you if you didn't do that every now and then. In any case, it's fine, just as long as we don't get in her way. More importantly, what happened to breakfast?"

I blinked. "I forgot!"

"Because Chikane-chan called, right?" Mako-chan smirked. "Well, that's what I get for leaning on you to cook every meal. But we'd better get on it now, or we'll be late for our new appointment."

I nodded, turning back to the kitchen proper. "I'll do it now, so you don't have to worry. Just wait a little."

"I got it. But honestly, this is the first time in a few days we planned to do something without Souma and now this has turned up," Mako-chan noted lightly. "What happened to your love for me, you silly girl?"

"It's not like that," I assured her. "I just want you to meet Chikane-chan, that's all. I'm sure you'll like her."

"Hm. That's not what you said last night." Mako-chan paused for a moment, then spoke before I could reply. "Well, it's fine. More importantly, you'd better be ready! I'm going to tell Himemiya-hime all your embarrassing secrets!"

I flushed. "You can't do that, Mako-chan. That would be cruel."

"I'm a cruel person. And I'll include Souma's confession and the missing bra incident!"

"No way! I'll stop you!" I said, voice tinged with desperation.

"Oh, really?" Mako-chan asked mischievously. "How are you going to do that? Take me on?"

"You know all those letters you wrote to Isato-sama? The ones you never showed me and never gave to him?" I asked seriously.

Mako-chan blanched. "You knew… you wouldn't!"

"It's mutually assured destruction," I said, narrowing my eyes.

"The hell it is!" Mako-chan said, exploding from her chair. "When did you find out about that? Did you tell anyone? I'm going to kill you for this!"

We ended up being ten minutes late, since we missed the first train. But we arrived in a good mood, at least.

* * *

I watched patiently as Himeko arrived, looked around and waved. She'd dressed in a red jacket and a short white skirt, which looked very cute on her. But I was more interested in the girl walking alongside her. Shorts, a short-sleeved grey shirt, short brown hair, turquoise eyes. She had athletic limbs. So this must be 'Mako-chan'.

"Sorry we're late," Himeko said, coming to a stop in front of me and panting slightly. "We ended up missing the train by accident."

"Not at all. I was a little late myself, so I'm relieved," I lied smoothly.

"I see." Himeko stepped back. "Ah, this is my friend, Makoto Saotome. Mako-chan, this is Chikane Himemiya."

I watched curiously as she nodded politely. "Pleased to meet ya. Thanks for taking care of Himeko, even if she's fluffy-headed."

"Stop calling me fluffy-headed," Himeko groused.

"Not at all," I replied politely, bowing my head in return. "Thank you for looking after her until now. She speaks about you often, so I know you must be a good friend to you."

"Well, she cooks my meals, so I can't say too much," Saotome said, rubbing the back of her head. "But, ah, you really do look like Isato. I guess that's family resemblance, right?"

"I assume so. You know my cousin?" I asked. "Himeko's mentioned him too, and I rather suspect you two know him better than I do."

"Really?" Saotome asked, sounding surprised. "Well, maybe 'knowing' is the wrong. We knew of him, since he was a school idol. He was in another class from us and we didn't talk too much."

"I see. That's a shame."

"Ogami-kun knew him quite well, though," Himeko said cheerfully. "They were good friends."

"And rivals," Saotome added. "They were always competing about everything, you know? All very macho."

I smiled. "I see. I suppose I can thank Ogami-kun for making my cousin so strong… give him my regards." I looked around. "In any case, shall we go?"

"Sure," Himeko said. "Shall we start with your shopping? I know you're a lot busier than us."

"If you insist." I met her eyes and smiled mischievously. "Then we'll start at a bookstore."

"That's no good," Himeko protested. "What about your presents?"

"My father loves books, so it's a wonderful place for me to start," I said. "So it's fine, I assure you. Let's go."

We set out, with Himeko walking between the two of us and glancing at me. "So your father likes books? What kind of person is he?"

"My father?" I looked away thoughtfully, eyes settling on the middle distance. "He's a kind person. He follows my mother wherever she goes, and waits where he can't follow. He's kind to me and always concerned about my welfare, so he calls me a lot. He worries far too much, though. It irks my mother and I alike, far more so than he deserves."

"I see. He sounds like a really nice person," Himeko said serenely. "That's good."

I nodded. "He is, and it is. I'm lucky."

"And your mother?" Himeko asked curiously. "Is she also a kind person?"

"Mother is… kind in her own way," I said diplomatically. "But she's different from father. Mother is driven, businesslike and determined. She works extremely hard for the Himemiya family and me. That's her kindness, so I'm also lucky in her."

"I see," Himeko said. "I'm glad for you, it sounds like you have a happy family. Do you have any siblings?"

"None," I said shortly. "And you, Himeko? What is your family like?"

"My family?" Himeko asked nervously. "Ah… my parents are dead."

I hurriedly glanced at her. "I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm also sorry I raised something I shouldn't have done."

"Not at all," Himeko said, looking up as we walked into the shopping mall. "I began this conversation. And that was a long time now, so I'm over it. They were kind people too." Her hand closed around her shell pendant. "So I'll remember them without regrets."

I glanced at her and nodded, turning my head away again. "I see. I'm sure they're glad of that."

"She had us too," Saotome added. "A few of us were like that, and we were like family in the dorms. I guess I should thank you for you, since it was the Himemiya who made that possible."

I shook my head. "I'm glad my family is doing good, but that doesn't really have anything to do with me. But were you also someone like that, Saotome-san?"

"Not really," Saotome said cheerfully. "I'm just a friendly person. How about you? I'm sure even a Himemiya has problems of their own."

I glanced at her, raising my eyebrows and smiling slightly. "I'm touched, but I have no reason to complain about anything. That would be churlish in the extreme."

"I see, I see," Saotome said. She gave me a thoughtful look before turning her head away.

"In any case, what are you studying, Saotome-san?" I asked, stepping into the bookstore.

"She's studying Exercise Physiology," Himeko said promptly. "Right, Mako-chan?"

Saotome nodded briefly. "Since everyone says I think with my muscles, I might as well get a degree in it." She put her hands in her pockets. "I'm going to become a running coach, if not an athlete."

I nodded. "I see. That's fair enough."

"And you?"

"She's doing Economics," Himeko said, looking between us.

"Ah." I looked around the store for the history books father liked most.

"I see, I see. As expected of you. Did your parents choose that for you?"

I glanced at her, raising my eyebrows again. "I would have chosen that in any case. It's a fascinating subject with more practical use than many."

We traded very casual glances, weighing each other up. I don't fully understand her intent, but if she's jealous of me in some way, I won't go easy on her.

"In any case, let's get the books, shall we?" Himeko said hurriedly. "You have the list, right, Mako-chan?"

I looked through the history section, picking out a few books as I went while they poured over the list before returning. "Something like these?" I suggested politely.

I managed to get five out of six right, which was moderately satisfying. "Thank you, Chikane-chan," Himeko said, smiling and taking them. "But they're really heavy, aren't they? It's rather intimidating."

"Father says history involves a lot of reading," I said. "You're quite brave to do it. But if you like it, it should be manageable." I returned the one book I'd mistaken to the shelves, and helped Saotome look for the other two.

"I do like it, so it should be fine," Himeko agreed. "I imagine you have a lot of scary textbooks, too."

I nodded. "I'll also have to manage." Of course, I didn't add that I'd already read a lot of them.

"I'd say I didn't envy you two, but I'm no better off myself," Saotome complained. "University really isn't easy, after all."

I nodded, turning to look at the books for my own reasons. "Do you two have any recommendations about history books? I'm in a difficult position, since I want a good one that he doesn't already have…"

"Sorry, Chikane-chan," Himeko said. "If it was shoujo manga, I could be a real help. History books not so much, at least until I've started my course properly."

I nodded, glancing sympathetically at her. "Sadly, I'm no expert either, so I'm in the same situation. I'll just have to take my best guess, I suppose."

"Hmm... what periods is he interested in?" Himeko asked, staggering forwards under the weight of her books. "We can always pick something from outside that and hope for the best."

"I'm going to take a look at my stuff, okay?" Saotome said, turning away. "I'll be back in a minute."

"Okay," Himeko said distractedly. "I'll catch up when we're done here."

I glanced at her, feeling a little bad. No, however I look at it, the jealous person here is I. But I don't feel so bad that I'm going to hold back. Since she knows Himeko so well, and I barely know Himeko, I can't afford to pull punches. And Himemiya don't lose. "Ah. Good luck."


	7. Chapter 7

**Chains of Memory: Part 7**

As ever, thank you to all my reviewers. I'll return the favour by... making our heroines really miserable... wait a minute, this seems a little dubious as a way of thanking you.

Ah, well. At least there are no robots.

* * *

"But I was really surprised," I remarked conversationally. "I didn't know Chikane-chan would know so much about history, since she's not studying it."

"Right," Mako-chan said vaguely.

"I think she might know more than I do, which is really quite worrying," I added. "But it's because of her father, I guess. Maybe he taught her a lot extra, or something."

"Maybe."

"So she was a big help. We're lucky we could meet her like that." She didn't reply, so I cast around for another topic of conversation, joggling slightly to keep up with her pace. "But that was a really big shopping centre, wasn't it? I thought the one in Mahoroba was pretty big, but I guess Tokyo is different, after all."

"Ah."

"There were too many shops, so I was afraid I'd get lost," I admitted, playing sheepishly with my hair. "But Chikane-chan was pretty certain, actually. Maybe she's just used to bigger places… or has she been there before? It's close to her apartment, she said. It must be nice, living in a busy place like that."

Mako-chan just nodded, her gaze fixed ahead of us. She began to mount the stairs to our flat, forcing me to step behind her.

"I guess it could be kinda noisy, though," I observed, mostly to fill the yawning silence between us. She'd been doing this ever since we got back from the station, and it was starting to worry me. It's not as if she doesn't do things like this, just every once in a while. But normally I can just talk until she comes out of it, since Mako-chan doesn't like sulking. She hadn't done anything like that this time, though. That was what worried me.

"I'm sure she can afford to sound-proof the walls," Mako-chan said coolly, the longest thing she'd said in a while. She put her bags down and searched her pockets for the key to our flat.

"I see," I said thoughtfully, considering that. "I guess that would help."

Mako-chan unlocked the door and shoved it open, picking up her bags and dumping them unceremoniously over the threshold. I followed her, very glad to put my own down next to the wall. The thin plastic had been cutting into my hands, which hurt a lot. My legs ached, too. Spending so much time standing up isn't good for me. But I can't complain right now, since she seems to be in a bad mood. "But it was good we could get them all," I remarked hopefully. "Where are we going to put them?"

"Anything's fine," Mako-chan said dismissively. She kicked off her shoes and strode into the living space.

I followed her, trying to stay cheerful. Did Chikane-chan upset her somehow? But didn't seem very likely. "I'll make lunch, shall I?" I asked brightly. "I'm a little hungry after that, so it seems like a good idea."

"If you like," Mako-chan replied carelessly. She sat down, closing her eyes gloomily.

"What's wrong, Mako-chan?" I asked, giving up. "You're not very energetic."

"Nothing's wrong," Mako-chan replied stonily. "I'm just fine."

"You don't sound fine," I said reproachfully. No, if I think of Chikane-chan's politeness, it's more likely that I'd done something wrong. I just wish I knew what. The problem is I'm not very good with these things. "Are you mad with me?"

"I'm not really mad, either," Mako-chan said stubbornly.

I walked across the room and sat opposite her. "If I have made you mad, though, I'd prefer it if you told me," I said. "Otherwise I won't be able to apologise to you properly. I'm sure it's my fault, but I don't know what I did wrong. I know that's also bad, though…"

Mako-chan held my gaze for a few moments before looking away again. "I didn't mention you to begin with, did I? You shouldn't blame yourself so easily."

"I'm usually to blame, though," I said shyly. "Isn't this just quicker?"

"But it's not as if I'm mad as such," Mako-chan said cautiously. "I'm just irritated, okay?"

I nodded, feeling like I had a chance. Mako-chan is kind, so she's weak against things like this. "I see. Why is that? I must have said something wrong…"

"Why?" Mako-chan asked, giving me an incredulous look. "Do you really not know why?"

I shook my head, frowning thoughtfully. "Umm… maybe because I invited Chikane-chan without asking you? You said that bothered you, but I thought you didn't mind too much."

Mako-chan sighed, touching her forehead with her free hand. "A little, but not really. Honestly, one of us is a real idiot. I'm almost sure it's not me, though. Do you really have to spell it out?"

I nodded. "I'm sorry, Mako-chan."

"Well, it's just… how would you say it…" Mako-chan gave me an annoyed look. "Never mind. It's stupid, okay, so I'll stop sulking and we'll say no more about it."

"That's no good, though," I said. "I need to know what I did if I'm going to apologise."

"It's fine," Mako-chan said, pushing herself and walking towards the door. "I don't even know which of us should apologise anyway, so forget it."

"I might do it again, though," I said worriedly. "I don't want to upset you if it can be helped, and I'm sure you're not at fault. It's probably my fault, after all."

"Ah, damnit," Mako-chan complained. "You're being unreasonable again. Fine, I'll put it this way. What did we talk about this morning?"

"Let's see," I said, touching my lips thoughtfully. "Umm. Chikane's family and she asked about mine as well, and then we talked about the books, oh, and the subjects we were taking. And then Chikane-chan told me about what she knew of the local area, right?" I cocked my head. "And about Kobe and Mahoroba, since they're pretty different places. And when she brought that fan for her mother, we talked about traditions, too. And-"

"Alright, alright, that's enough," Mako-chan said tiredly. She turned away from me, facing the door again. "But that was all you were talking about, you know. You paid so much attention to Himemiya I thought you'd forgotten I was there!"

That accusation rang for a moment in the silence, so I thought about it. And if I remember properly, that made a depressing amount of sense. "I'm sorry, Mako-chan."

"You don't need to apologise," Mako-chan said stiffly. "I know it's not really your fault. You've just met her, and you really get along with her…" Her fists balled. "I'm right, though. However I look at it, you were ignoring me. Maybe I'm not supposed to be bothered by that, but it bothers me."

I stood, walking towards me. "No, it's to be bothered. It'd be sad if you weren't bothered, since I was in the wrong." I stopped nervously behind her. "I'm sorry, Mako-chan. I think I got carried away again… though that isn't an excuse…"

"It's fine, it's fine," Mako-chan said over-cheerfully, turning to look at me. "Maybe I was wrong to go to begin with, since she's a new friend to you, and you want to get to know her as much as possible. Besides, I was surprised, since she really is interested in you. You're pretty amazing, Himeko, to befriend a person like that. I could never do that at all."

"Thank you, I guess," I said awkwardly. I wasn't quite sure what to say.

Mako-chan picked up her bags again, walking past me. "To be honest, I thought you two might be a little awkward still, especially since she was meeting the two of us together for the first time. So I was thinking I'd have to be careful, and make sure you two got on and she wasn't left out… but it ended up being the opposite." She dropped her bags next to mine. "It's funny, isn't it? Even though I know you so well. I ended up feeling like I was just in the way."

"That's not true at all!" I said forcefully. "Today, I was really happy, because I got to be with two people I really like. And I felt like I got a little courage, too, since Mako-chan was watching me."

"I'm glad. I don't think you needed it, though." Mako-chan looked at me. "Besides, I should be glad you, right? You can talk like that with Chikane Himemiya, so I shouldn't be saying anything to hold you back." She forced a smile. "I promised to myself I'd support you, so it's fine."

"This and that are different, though," I said. "I definitely want to be Chikane-chan's friend, but I want to be Mako-chan's friend, too. And I don't want to lose sight of one because of the other. That'd make me a bad person."

"It's not like that." Mako-chan sighed. "Anyway, I'll forgive you, okay?"

"Thank you. I can't be happy with just that, though." I frowned, trying to think what Chikane-chan would do in a situation like this. "Ah… I'll make it up to you, okay?"

"Huh?" Mako-chan asked, blinking.

"Since I ended up ruining today, even though it was supposed to be just the two of us," I said a little more certainly. Yes, something like this sounded best. "So I'll definitely make it up to you. Tomorrow, or Saturday, or whenever you like, we can do something, just the two of us. Because I also like you, so if I hurt you, I'll make it up to you. That's what friends do, isn't it?"

Mako-chan sighed and smiled wanly, cocking her head at me. "Ahh… when you put it like that, I can never stay angry at you for too long. It's really irritating, the stuff you can get away with."

I brightened at her expression. "Mako-chan!"

She stepped forwards, hugging me and pressing my head to her shoulder. "I got it, Himeko. If you make it up to me, I'll forgive you, since I like you too. That's what friends are for."

I nodded, closing my eyes. Mako-chan's arms are strong. It's a different feeling from Chikane-chan's embrace. Much rougher. But she isn't any less kind. "Right."

"But you know, one day you'll find someone you like a lot more than you like me," Mako-chan said softly. "So you can be honest to me when that day comes, you have to bear that in mind."

I blinked, pulling away and looking at her in surprise. "Mako-chan?"

She flicked me on the nose, smirking lightly. "Though you probably have a lot to learn before you get that far, you silly girl. Don't take me too seriously."

I nodded, smiling at her. "Thank you, Mako-chan."

"It's nothing," Mako-chan assured me. "In any case, that's settled, so we don't have to worry about it again. And if you mention it to Souma, I really will tell Himemiya all your embarrassing stories, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay."

"In any case, I should put the books away, but I'm not really in the mood," Mako-chan said. "I'll probably go for a jog and burn off some of this excess energy."

I nodded. "And I'll get lunch ready for when you get back, okay?"

"I got it," Mako-chan said, locating her running shoes. "Just make sure you do take care of it, though. Not like last time, when you're too busy chatting to Himemiya-hime to finish the meal."

"I will," I promised her, walking towards the kitchen. "Have a safe trip."

"Right." Mako-chan finished tying her laces and stood, opening the door and stepping out. "I'm going, so see you later."

I waved, watching her go thoughtfully. That was much more like her old self. Even if I'm careless and upset her, Mako-chan always recovers and forgives me, even if I don't deserve it. She's a very good person, and I'm not sure I really deserve her as a friend. I've never told her that, though. It's not really something you can ever say.

I turned to deal with the meal, hands moving automatically to arrange things while I was lost in thought. I remembered everything we'd done today, and it only confirmed what Mako-chan had said, and then some. Without ever really noticing or thinking about it, I'd ignored her. I'd just been so busy talking to Chikane-chan that her feelings never crossed my mind. In that way I'm a really bad person.

But it's also strange in its own way, since I really do get on with Mako-chan, and normally she's hard for me to ignore. Perhaps she was holding back for me, even if it upset her. Or like she said, it might have been because I don't know Chikane anywhere near as much, so there are still things to urgently ask, and things we both want to talk about. I'm not sure. I've been given some new things to think about, though, on top of everything else that's piling up on me these past few days. That dream springs to mind. I'm pretty sure I've never dreamed about myself watching myself before, and I was dreaming about Chikane-chan too. Chikane-chan's also something to think about in her own right, perhaps the most important of all these things. It's easy to know where to start wondering, but hard to know where to stop. The shells, our chance meeting, our other meetings and the things we say there, her family, her life that's like mine and not like mine at all, above all just Chikane-chan, her words and her personality, her beauty and her kindness. I'm almost sure that someone like her should have no interest at all in someone like me. But for some reason that's not true, at least for now, and I find it hard to dwell on things like that. It's much warmer and more comfortable to think about her, and simply assume and accept that perhaps, just a little, she thinks about me.

It's only been a few days. But I want to believe that these thoughts and feelings aren't just fantasy. I want there to be days and weeks after this, too, with her and me both. At least, that's how I feel now.

I also know what Mako-chan was saying before. I'm a little naïve, but I'm not that bad. I didn't reject Ogami-kun on a whim, or out of shyness. I just had a feeling and a conviction, something I can't really back up at all, that I'm waiting for someone. And that was a dangerously idealistic sentiment. But I do feel it, a sadness and a yearning, the sense of displacement. The person I like more than Mako-chan… the person I love… I'm sure I'm still waiting for that person. But I haven't been worrying about that so much, recently. Perhaps I've become maturer somehow. I don't think it's that, though. I'm just so busy and happy with Mako-chan and Ogami-kun and my new life in Tokyo, and above all, with Chikane-chan. If I'm thinking about her like this, I don't need to think about the person whose face I don't know for now.

I looked down at my hands. If falling in love is even more amazing than all these mixed-up thoughts and feelings, it must be a really powerful emotion. But I'm happy now, so it should make me happy, I think. At least that's what I'm going to believe.

* * *

"Are you sure it's alright not to go to bed yet, Ojou-sama?" Otoha-san asked, putting the tea down in front of me. "I'm sure I don't need to remind you, but you will be meeting Narimi-sama in the morning."

"I know. It's fine. Ten more minutes won't do me any harm." I took the cup, savouring the warmth with my hands. "It's been a rather long and busy day, so it feels like this is the first chance I've had to think honestly."

"I see. Then I will listen if you wish to think aloud. But if you want to think in peace, I won't disturb you."

"Thank you, Otoha-san. If you wish to retire ahead of me, please feel free." I smiled at her. "I won't stay up late watching moves, I assure you."

Otoha-san nodded, turning her head to hide her amusement. "I'll bear that in mind, but I'll also keep you company. That's only responsible, after all."

"Thank you," I repeated, sipping my tea. Hanging unspoken between us is the fact that we both know I am a _good girl_. Staying up too late on a whim, drinking and going to parties, things like that are alien to me. I don't have the time to spare for such flippancy. I'm just not sure if that attitude makes me precocious or immature. In any case, at my age I can take responsibility for my own lifestyle.

I'm also right about a busy day. An evening taken up by another vapid meeting. An afternoon spent alternating reading appropriate books and signing for things while Otoha-san bosses them all around. In any case, we now have enough to fill out two of the back rooms. And, of course, an unexpected morning meeting with Himeko. I can't say that was a burden. No, it was just the opposite; her presence turned a chore into a relaxing and interesting pastime. I even managed to do what had to be done, in between doing what I wanted to do. It feels like I learned a lot about her, but it still feels like there's so much more to learn. And I'm sure she's different from the other girls my age. Unlike them, she's kind, innocent to a fault, and she talks to me, not to the Himemiya. She's interested in my family, where I live, what I think… I'm sure what she sees is Chikane, not the Himemiya. I am determined to believe that. And I want to tell her about all those things, even though such free and easy conversation doesn't come naturally to me. But her sincerity is more than I can handle. She turns the position of confidant on its head. I tell her for her own sake, not for mine, but I don't resent her for it. Perhaps because I also receive something in the process, her attention and her smile. So I may be doing everything for my own sake, after all.

No, the problem isn't the meeting with Himeko.

The problem is myself, since I met with Himeko.

I drank my tea, barely tasting it at all. Yes, this is the problem I've been wrestling with throughout my bath. The answers I found then were sparse and unsatisfactory. So now, as I sit here with my hair damp, my pyjamas covered with a towel, I'll return to the basics once again. If a problem isn't being solved even though you have all the necessary data, then you must be looking at it the wrong way. I don't see why matters like this should be any different.

So, the problem isn't Himeko. The problem is Saotome, or rather, how I treated her. Even if I'm insular and disdain ordinary company, I'm more than aware of the dynamics of conversation and socialisation. If possible, become the heart of a conversation. At least, be part of the conversation. But either way, it's a given that you involve all in the discourse. Excluding others to score points is a low method, far below someone such as myself. It may provide benefits, but they're nothing that can't be replicated with proper effort and a proper manner legitimately. And it also stokes resentment, which is never efficient. This is an object lesson in that principle. What if Saotome points out how I treated her to Himeko? That could damage Himeko's perception of me, and developing that was the whole purpose of the meeting. Oh, I can feign ignorance, but it's hard to think of it as a positive. And most of all, something possessed me to treat her that way in the first place. I can't think of any good reason to resent her. She's an essentially different person. If she has different interests from mine, I have no reason to resent that. Even if she takes a few cheap shots at my family, there's no meaning in resenting her. I'm more than used to envy.

And again, the problem isn't even that I don't know why. The reason brings me back to Himeko. The reason is Himeko. I felt a profound jealousy, and through that I came to see Saotome as the enemy, and at that time I silently and consciously acted against her without regret. If Himeko looked at me and only me, that meant I won. With retrospect the childishness and spite I was exhibiting disgusts me; even if it was concealed by my mask of serene proprietary, I'm still disturbed. A girl I met two days ago, a girl I can hardly justify saying I know, provoked me to such an extent of inappropriate possessiveness and envy, so much so I forgot my maturity and my self-respect completely. If it's disproportionate, then it only matches the nature of our interaction. Certainly we've met and she's proved herself as a sincere, fascinating person. But my surreal dream of her, my thoughts of her and that reaction… it's not something I can explain. It's something that makes me worry deeply.

I looked darkly at the table. If this is connected to that side of me, I have a very real problem. But it's a problem I'll face head-on, rather than running away.

Otoha-san put her hand on my head. "You're trembling, Ojou-sama. I've brought you a blanket."

I blinked, glancing up at her. She wrapped it around my shoulders before I could say a word. Distracted, I glanced at my hand. Yes, I was cold. I hadn't noticed that at all. "Thank you."

"I don't understand, but I think Ojou-sama has something very troubling to think about," Otoha-san said calmly. She smoothed down my hair. "This is all I can do to help, but that's fine."

"Do you want to know what I'm thinking about?" I asked quietly.

"I know you'll make up your own mind and solve your own problems. If you wish to entrust them to me, I'll listen." She smiled down at me. "But you've always made your own decisions, for as long as I can remember. That's what makes you our irreplaceable worry."

I chuckled at that description. "I'm sorry for troubling you so much."

"Thank you." Otoha-san stepped back delicately, leaving me to my thoughts again.

I adjusted the set of the blanket around myself, feeling a little more positive. I shouldn't ever forget how much this woman supports me. And perhaps this also tells me that I can take warmth for warmth, without despising it. Next time, I can act in a more fitting way. The warm and kind Himeko who has captured my interest isn't a bad person just because I slipped up once.

The phone began to ring and Otoha-san promptly went to fetch it. I closed my eyes briefly and frowned. It was very late for a call. Father? No, he calls my mobile, not the house phone. Himeko would be the same. Well, hopefully it won't be anything important. I don't feel like dealing with any business at a time like this.

I sighed and finished my tea. I really should be getting to bed.

Otoha-san returned, carrying the phone. "Ojou-sama, a call for you."

I glanced at her. She looked rather surprised. "Yes? Who is it?"

She gave me a heavy look. "Shuusei-sama."

My heart twinged with a thrill of fear. Grandfather.

I didn't have any time to think, though. Otoha-san passed me the phone and I took it, holding to my ear and steadying myself before I spoke. "Ouji-sama, this is Chikane. It is an honour to hear from you again."

"_Is that so? Well, rest assured, I don't intend to trouble you at this hour for very long."_

His voice was still strong and clear, without any ambiguity. Even if I know he's eighty-two, it's hard to conceive of that just from this. "I understand. Thank you for your concern."

"_Not at all. I want to ask you a favour."_

Of course. Grandfather does not make social calls. "I understand. How can I help you?"

"_In two days time the Reynolds family are arriving in Tokyo. They will be spending a week there to conduct business. I have managed to persuade them to stay with our branch family there. I had previously believed that only Andrew Reynolds and his business associates would be attending, but he has informed me that his entire family is accompanying him. Therefore I expect you to attend as a guest and liase with the Reynolds children. That is all."_

I closed my eyes, repressing all my normal instincts when faced with news like this. "This is sudden," I said eventually. "I already have commitments for the entire week. It will be difficult-"

"_Cancel all unnecessary commitments. I understand the university term begins on Monday and that will stand. But I expect you to spend the entire weekend with them and any spare time thereafter. Spare no pains, especially with Harry Reynolds. He is your age and Andrew's most likely heir, so it goes without saying that he would be an excellent match for you."_

A sinking heart sank further. "I understand."

"_But don't compromise your dignity."_

I restrained a flash of anger. "That goes without saying… but I shall be careful."

"_Remember they're American. You can't expect dignity or restraint. Naturally, I expect you to impress Andrew and Samantha as well. The branch family is one thing, but you will be the only representative of the Himemiya main line. Under no circumstances are you to let us down."_

"I understand," I said. "I will spare no pains."

"_If it is you, it may not be totally impossible. Goodbye."_

I blinked in surprise. Did he just _praise _me? But of course he'd rung off before I could test the waters with a thank you. And then the scale and nature of the commitment that had been thrust on me crashed down on me, and any hints of pride and satisfaction were swept away in the despair that followed.

I lowered the phone, letting my head sink back. No, despair was too strong a word. I knew this was within my capabilities. I just couldn't think of anything I'd consider a worse twist this side of hospitalisation with injury. My carefully scheduled weekend wreaked. The number of people I could potentially offend by these cancellations ran into the dozens.

And then there was my meeting with Himeko. I think that was the biggest blow of all.

Otoha-san took the phone off me, looking down with concern. "What is the situation, Ojou-sama?" she asked worriedly.

"Bed," I murmured exhaustedly. "I'm going to bed now. We will resolve everything in the morning, but right now I am at my limit."

Otoha-san nodded, returning the phone to its place. "I understand. Please rest well."

I stood, taking off the blanket and folding it as best I could. "But I can assure its not bad news in one sense… arguably I am being trusted." I turned away, heading for my bedroom. "The problem is that the assignment itself is odious in the extreme."

"I see. I hope we will be able to manage."

"We will." Hopefully if I say it, it will come true. I turned at the door, glancing back at her. "Good night, Otoha-san."

She bowed. "Goodnight, Ojou-sama."

I stepped into my room, sliding the door shut behind me. I switched off the light a moment later and simply stood there in the darkness as my mind, freed from the restraints of my will, reeled from this change and the misery it brought with it. Having your life rearranged at the whim of someone above you, without negotiation, I can't say I relish that. The total loss of control, the hard work it will cause, the damage it will do to the relationships and projects I have been carefully cultivating to maximise my own growth. And perhaps most important of all, the act of going from the things I want to do to something I really, really don't want to do.

And as the storm fades my rationality forcefully asserts itself. Mother experiences this week after week, and she's gone through this for thirty years or more. If she at her age can handle the pressure, I have no excuses. If I aspire to follow after her, I have no room for complaint. If I consider my aspirations, I come to realise that this kind of inconvenience is nothing at all. To adapt to an abruptly changed situation is a given. And while it is miserable and trying, these things will probably always will be miserable and trying. I just have to cope. And in my own way, I can thank grandfather for showing me a facet of the reality I aspire to. This is a learning experience in its own right.

I sighed, opening my eyes and groping my way into my futon. I was cold enough to justify the extra blanket. I pulled the covers over me and placed my head on the pillow, closing my eyes.

I had plenty of worries about my worries. I'd expected to fret about the calligraphy teacher and the kyudo dojo, the people on the list I'd planned to meet, what I'd make of the Reynolds and what they would make of me, how closely grandfather would be watching my actions. All of those things were pressing and important enough.

But it her face that came to mind first, and what worried me most of all in fact was how to explain, to excuse myself, to soften the blow. I didn't want to upset her. I wanted to see her smile. And that worry was a very worrying thing itself.

I'll probably dream another all-too-real dream.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chains of Memory: Part 8**

8 chapters without giant robots. Let's cheer for another 88 without them...

* * *

I woke groggily from a heavy and disturbed sleep to find that Otoha-san looking patiently down at me. Apparently, she'd woken me up. That hadn't happened to me in a while.

And snatched images slid through my mind like sand, fading as suddenly as they had come. Another dream, but I didn't remember this one. I'm almost sure that Himeko was involved in the dream, though. That really is beginning to worry me. But, really, that's not the main problem. At this time of the morning it feels like I can dream of whatever I please. The difficulty is that I'm not as rested I'd like to be, since my mind's feverish with dreams and feverish without reality. Oh, yes. All of yesterday's memories are flooding back, making sleep a much more attractive proposition.

I forced that thought down, turning my head to face Otoha-san. "What time is it?" I mumbled, closing my eyes again to rest them.

"Eight o'clock, Ojou-sama. Shall I let you rest for another half-hour?"

"No." I forced myself to sit up, breathing heavily and forcing my eyes open. "We have a lot to do today. Please make breakfast. I will follow shortly after."

"As you wish," Otoha-san said, bowing her head briefly.

I closed my eyes again as she stood and left, clearing my mind. This tiredness was just inertia. Move and it would fade. My depression with what I have to do is more serious, but I've already remembered that I have concrete reasons to press forwards without regret. If that's the case, then without dodging around or stalling, I'll bear all the necessary thoughts in mind. I'll have to apologise to many people, so it's worthwhile if I have a single, coherent apology. Not least because there was a possibility they'd talk to each other.

I used my basin to splash my face with water, which helped a little. The other problem was the nature of the apology. Admitting that I was cancelling so late because, frankly, there were other people who stood higher in the Himemiya's esteem waiting would receive a frosty reception. On the other hand, bemoaning the situation and blaming it all on my grandfather's fiat would be insincere at best, and isn't very likely to be better taken. But outright lying would also be a bad idea. It's a given for several of them to know the real situation. It's possible they already know.

I cleaned my teeth, blue eyes staring into blue eyes in the mirror. At least they hadn't yet turned cold and dead with controlled boredom. Right now, I could think of this as an abstract problem rather than a real, active difficulty inconveniencing me. That would change, of course. But it's best to think things through now, while my mind is clear. The best option is probably just to be spartan with the truth. I'm cancelling because a sudden and urgent appointment has come up, something that I could neither anticipate before nor avoid now. There is a personal connection. Those who know little or nothing of my life's circumstances, and care less, will probably accept that and know no more. Those who do know and care will understand the exact details, but with more careful phrasing I could imply a closer and more significant connection than is actually the case. Visiting esteemed guests of the family is a hard excuse to bear. Visiting an eligible boy her age she knows somewhat, perhaps even her fiancé, is a softer and more human one. And of course, there's no need for me to actually tell a lie. Implication and rumour should be enough.

The thought made me feel vaguely dirty, especially since I had absolutely no desire for it to become reality. I don't know the Reynolds boy very well but I have no expectations. I decided years ago that boys who now call themselves men would only get in my way. But there's no harm in deliberately twisting an inconvenient truth into a more suitable one. It's the most efficient way forwards.

And then there was her, of course. That will require a far different plan, but really, in that case, I'm not sure what to do. Beyond the obvious, of course. Perhaps I could just tell her the truth in full? But however I look at it that's not likely to leave a good impression. It's difficult for me to explain to outsiders my viewpoint, the life of my family, the fact that obeying my grandfather's 'suggestions' is not merely a given but an imperative. Perhaps people lack empathy. Perhaps I lack eloquence. Perhaps it really is weird, an anachronism or a foible, an exceptional attitude that's totally outside normal experience. Probably, I'm just over-thinking things, though. The truth is that even if I dress this up as duty, the fact that this is a decision made up of priorities doesn't change at all. And if I state the truth bluntly, it comes down to this. I rate obedience to my grandfather and meeting his expectations more than the people who are being let down in the process. I rate duty to my family over Himeko.

It's probably hard not to take offence at that. On the other hand, I should reassure myself that Himeko's asked for nothing. What I owe to her is the consideration of a friend, but however much weight I've given her in my thoughts she herself hasn't done anything to suggest she expects me to rate her as the most important thing in my life right now. I'm probably the deluded one for considering such things to begin with. Most likely, she will accept this as an unfortunate inevitability, and I will do my level best to apologise in words and also by my actions in future. And so we will move on. Our association is extremely recent, but it feels like we've progressed beyond the point of simply forgetting each other after a few days. At least, I hope she feels that way, knowing that I do. And in the future she will probably do something similar to me. I shouldn't forget that she's her own person, and I haven't placed any demands on her, either.

I frowned to myself. No, that was probably my biggest worry. The fact was that even if I had developed some kind of attachment to her in this short a time, and she was still enthusiastic, at least to my face, the kind of connection we had was tenuous, uncertain and untested. That was a meaning behind frequent meetings, and a reason for my doubts-

Otoha-san knocked on the wooden frame of the door. "Ojou-sama, it is time for breakfast. Are you ready to get up?"

I blinked, coming back to present. I'd spent several minutes simply looking at myself and thinking. Spacing out in such a way… I really hadn't had enough restful sleep. I shook my head vigorously before turning and leaving the bathroom. "I'm coming," I assured her, walking back and opening the door. "Sorry to keep you waiting."

"Not at all." Otoha-san bowed to me in her old way. "Today's breakfast is western style, since I was finally able to locate a good supplier. Please enjoy."

"Thank you." I walked back to the table and sat in my place. Once again, the other places were empty. "You've eaten already?"

"Yes."

"I see." This is one part of her routine that hasn't changed at all. Whether she was bringing my meals in with ten other maids in attendance before, or simply here and alone now, this is her presentation to me. I'm grateful for having something to order my day, even though I miss more of her meals than we'd both like. "In any case, please sit down anyway," I said, focusing again. "We need to discuss the matter involving my grandfather from yesterday, and prepare to act."

Otoha-san nodded intelligently, sitting down opposite me. "As you say. Please go ahead."

I explained the situation as I ate, consciously imitating grandfather's terse style. It wasn't an attractive way to speak, but it did convey a large amount of information clearly in-between mouthfuls of food.

Otoha-san simply sat through it all, occasionally nodding, asking two questions to clarify specific points. Finally she nodded, frowning. "I understand. This is an extremely troubling development, to be sure. We will have to inconvenience several people."

"Quite." I finished my glass of orange-juice, closing my eyes. "Naturally, notifying them all and apologising appropriately is my first priority. I will do that in person. It's not something I can delegate to you. I will also have to call and notify Eikou-sama that I will be staying over the weekend. Its possible grandfather has already notified him, but I must be polite."

Otoha-san nodded again. "I see. I will pack enough for several days, then, and get in touch with a chambermaid I know there. Will you still be meeting with Narimi-sama?"

"Yes. It's a difficult decision, but I would rather keep every appointment I can and handle the apologies this evening than cancel on her this late. If it is at all possible, I will depart early. But I'll stay for as long as is necessary, too. There's no meaning in being half-hearted."

"I understand."

"I will also need to apologise to Himeko," I said, half to myself. "But that will also have to wait until evening."

Otoha-san glanced at me, her expression penetrating. "As you wish. I assume there's no meaning in me remaining behind to teach her without you?"

I shook my head. When I finally introduced Himeko to Otoha-san, I wanted to be in the same room to oversee things carefully. This is more or less the reason… Otoha-san knows me well enough to know this is unusual. "I'm afraid so. I will apologise in full. Of course, finding time to make up for all these misses will be a major part of the following week. Grandfather insisted that I spend all my time with the Reynolds, but I imagine they don't want to be stuck with me for a whole week, any more than the reverse. Next week has enough time to spare, no? Even accounting for the term's start."

"It's true you have time to spare," Otoha-san admitted. "But some of that time was put aside on the assumption that you would need it to get to know your new peers. Those are likely to be more frequent and useful associates than those who merely have a reputation with us are. Or, indeed, a girl you met by chance, whose circumstances are more distant from yours."

"By the same token, those peers won't disappear after a week," I replied reasonably. "Things will remain fluid for longer than that, and we'll have to meet. It's natural to be concerned about the weaker associations for exactly that reason." I narrowed my eyes. "I also don't anticipate many, if any, of my new peers being as interesting as Himeko."

"As you say, Ojou-sama," Otoha-san said, looking down in a guarded way. "But please be aware that this week and the friendships established there are also vitally important."

I just nodded. I suppose I shouldn't be so pessimistic. Most likely, I'll have things in common with many of them. Even if I don't, how many things do I really have in common with Himeko? Just as long as they don't put me on a pedestal again and leave me there alone. My schooldays were enough for that, enough to last me a lifetime.

"On another point, it isn't really my place to say this," Otoha-san said cautiously. "But once again, Shuusei-sama has directed us without regard for your personal circumstances or your plans. If you have no objections, neither do I, but I hope you're not understating your position. Your status is such that there's no necessary for an unconditional acceptance of all his demands."

I closed my eyes. "That would be true of my formal status. But in reality…" I lapsed into silence. We both already know all of this. "I will accept the status quo for now, knowing that one day it will change."

I don't wish death on him, but nonetheless that's my intention. Perhaps he will retire, as unlikely as that seems now. Either way, we are all waiting for that day.

* * *

"Just how did we end up here again?" Mako-chan demanded playfully, glancing at me. "Are you secretly hoping we're going to run into Himemiya-hime again?"

I shook my head hurriedly. "No, not at all. I'm sure she's busy right now anyway. But apart from the park and the rest of the local area, this is the only place we know a little better, right? I just thought coming here would be most fun, especially since it's convenient."

Mako-chan sighed, rubbing the back of her head and looking up at the shopping centre. "Well, you're not wrong. Besides, I saw some shops I wanted to check out that we couldn't yesterday. I guess I'll forgive you."

"Some of the restaurants look good, too," I said. "But affordable. I know we have to watch our money, but let's have fun, okay?"

"Spoken like a true student," Mako-chan said cheerfully. "So, let's go have fun."

I followed her into the shopping centre, hurrying to keep up. Mako-chan has long legs, and she's a little excited. "Shouldn't we look at the map first?"

"To use a map you need a plan. We have no plan, so we need no map," Mako-chan said. She looked around before heading in the direction we went last time. "Let's just see what we can find."

I nodded, collecting myself. Right, remember, today I'm going to be really nice to her, and make up for yesterday. So don't talk about myself or even Chikane-chan. I need to be considerate and talk only about Mako-chan. "How is the jogging going?" I asked. "Do you think you'll be able to do well in the club?"

"Well, it's had to say," Mako-chan said. "I mean, I've kept up my work, but just running up and down without anyone to help you is tough. And I don't really know much about what the team's going to be like. The standard's probably a lot higher than I'm used to."

"You raced in the inter-days, didn't you? I find it hard to imagine Mako-chan having problems with standards."

"Racing and winning are different," Mako-chan teased. "That's why you bombed your maths tests every time, remember?"

"That's not fair," I said. "You were a lot better at running than I was at maths."

"Well, That's certainly true," Mako-chan admitted, smirking at me. "But it's natural to worry. I'll probably pull myself together when I actually reach the track. A few laps and I'll be right back into it, so don't worry."

I nodded. "Right? I'm sure you'll be fine. Ogami-kun puts it the opposite way, he's worried the standard is going to be too low…"

"Souma is Souma, though," Mako-chan began, before stopping. "Hey, that's a surprising crowd."

I followed her gaze. It was the bookstore we'd entered yesterday. But at that time it had been pretty quiet. Now there were a whole bunch of girls our age queuing outside for some reason. "Yeah. Are they doing an event or something?"

"Let's find out," Mako-chan said. She walked towards them before I could protest, leaving me to catch up again, selecting two girls at the back. "Yo. What's everyone doing here?"

I blushed by association as the two girls glanced at us. Mako-chan really is fearless. They didn't seem to mind, though. "It's a signing," the first one explained. "Reiko-sensei's signing the first volume of her new series."

I blinked in rapidly dawning surprise. "Reiko-sensei? Reiko Ota?"

"That's right. Are you a fan?"

I began to nod enthusiastically, stopping when Mako-chan clapped me on the shoulder. "Sorry about this," she said amicably. "Could you give us a second?"

I was dragged away before they could do more than blink in surprise. "Ahh… Mako-chan?"

"So this was your plan, was it?" Mako-chan asked, smirking and prodding me on the nose when we were vaguely out of the way. "I see how it is. So it wasn't Himemiya-hime you were looking out for."

"That wasn't it," I said hurriedly. "I had no idea at all."

"You don't have to lie, I'm not mad at all," Mako-chan said. "I know you're keen on this stuff."

"I really didn't know, though," I insisted, pouting at her. "It's a complete coincidence, okay?"

"You really didn't know?" Mako-chan asked curiously.

I nodded. "Yep."

Mako-chan gave a me a look, then grabbed my arm and pinched my cheek again. "Ahhh… your insane luck strikes again. What's up? What are you going to say to something like this, eh?"

"I's okay," I garbled, trying to pull free. "We don't have to go in if you don't want to," I said as sincerely as I could, which wasn't very.

"It's fine, it's fine," Mako-chan assured me. "It won't take too long, and it's a rare chance, right?"

I nodded timidly, before remembering myself and shaking my head. No, I had to put Mako-chan first today, even if it meant making sacrifices. "No, we should do something you-"

I didn't get any further than that because Mako-chan was dragging me back, and before I knew it, I was back in the queue again. So I settled for saying, "we don't have to, you know."

"I know, but I want to," Mako-chan said. "Since Himeko wants to, right? If it'll make you happy, you should just say that, you dishonest girl."

"But, but," I said, only to be interrupted by a forehead flick. "Thank you," I said instead, smiling sheepishly.

"It's no problem," Mako-chan assured me.

Luckily we were only waiting for ten minutes or so before we got through to the desk where she was sitting. I'd never actually seen her in the flesh, so I didn't really know what to expect… she was surprisingly ordinary. She had brown, mousy hair, large glasses, and a turtleneck sweater. It's a little nostalgic, though. Maybe I've seen a photo of her somewhere. Either way, she was just sitting there and signing stuff. What was more surprising was the girl standing next to her, dressed flashily and with long brown hair and green eyes. "Yes, yes. Who's next?" she asked cheerfully.

Mako-chan shoved me forwards. I staggered to a halt just in front of the desk. "Umm… hi."

"One signed book, right?" the other girl asked brightly. "Your name? Any message? And do you have anything else you want signed?"

"Ah, Himeko… Himeko Kurusugawa. Anything is fine. I don't have anything to sign, though…"

I trailed off as Reiko-sensei looked straight at me, eyes sharp. "You," she said flatly.

I blinked. "Yes?"

The other girl stepped deftly sideways, elbowing Reiko-sensei in the shoulder. "Himeko Kurusugawa, right? You can pay at the counter back there, so don't worry about it now."

Reiko-sensei deftly flipped open a manga and signed rapidly. She glanced around the room while she did that, as if she didn't need to look at all. It felt like she was looking for something, so I had to resist the temptation to look over my shoulder. "Here," she said briefly, closing the book and passing it to me.

I took it and bowed my head. "Thank you very much."

"Thank you for your interest," the other girl replied. "Next!"

"You're so loud," Reiko-sensei muttered, not quite under her breath. I came away with the book clasped to my chest, feeling a little bemused.

"So, did you get it?" Mako-chan asked, standing off the crowd and waiting for me. "What was it like, meeting your idol?"

"Weird," I said, for lack of a better word. I headed towards the door, feeling odd. It's amazing she could be someone as young as me. But her eyes are… intense… it's almost like Chikane-chan. But, colder.

"Really? That's often the way, when you meet someone you admire in person," Mako-chan noted. "It's pretty hard for them to fulfil expectations. And, uh, have you paid for that?"

I blinked and looked down, stopping three feet short of shoplifting. "Oh. Right. I'll go do that."

"Before we get arrested," Mako-chan chided. "That wouldn't be fun at all."

I hurried back to the counter to pay, but I couldn't resist glancing back at Reiko-sensei. She was signing again, while the other girl did all the talking. Who was she, anyway? Some kind of agent?

I put it down on the counter when my turn came, glancing at the cover as I did so. _Covert Eight Immortals. _So the rumours that Reiko-sensei was branching out into more solidly fantasy work was true. But, it had a cute girl and a bishounen on the front-cover, which was strangely reassuring. Light and dark, high school or fantasy, Reiko-sensei is still Reiko-sensei.

Once I'd paid I ran to catch up with Mako-chan, who was waiting outside. "Sorry to keep you waiting."

"Not at all. Anyway, let me see."

I pulled the manga out of the bag I'd been given and handed it to her. "Here."

"Covert Eight Immortals? Pretty grand for a love story, isn't it?" Mako-chan asked dryly as she started to walk again.

"I keep telling you, it's not just a love story," I said. "Reiko-sensei always explores other conflicts and issues with her work, whether it's darkness or fantasy. The love story's just a part of that."

"Maybe," Mako-chan said dubiously, glancing at the blurb. "But that's the part you all read it for, right? She should stop being so self-indulgent and just write a damn love story already."

"You haven't even tried to read them," I said reproachfully. "So you wouldn't understand."

"Yes, yes. I'm just teasing you." Mako-chan flipped the book open and glanced at the first page. "Hey, what's with this weird message?" She giggled. "Did you ask for this?"

"Ask for what?" I said, glancing at her.

"This," Mako-chan said, passing it to me. "Do you want to go back and complain? You could get a new one free, I'm sure."

I glanced down at the signed message.

"_Himeko Kurusugawa._

_Don't read this story._

_Reiko Ota."_

"Looks like Reiko-sensei has the same line of thought as me," Mako-chan said wryly. "But what are you going to do?"

"I'll keep it," I said uncertainly. "It's… interesting, right?"

"You sure?" Mako-chan asked, glancing sidelong at me. "I'll go back and kick up a fuss if you like."

"I'm sure," I said a little more firmly, closing the book and returning it to its bag. "I don't really understand, but it feels like this is an actual message from Reiko-sensei. That's a precious thing to me."

Mako-chan sighed. "Yes, yes… well, whatever makes you happy." She turned her head away, putting her hands behind her head. "In any case, I get to choose what we do next. I want to go to a sports shop, for a start. I saw one yesterday."

I nodded. "Okay. Whatever you want."

We ended up having a lot of fun like that, going from shop to shop and just browsing for interesting things. We ate lunch there, spent an hour on the streets outside, then went back to the park and looked at the bird sanctuary. I'd promised to go there with Chikane-chan tomorrow, but going early wouldn't hurt. Mako-chan was also an important friend.

And in the evening we both went for karaoke, something I hadn't done in a long time, so I'd almost forgotten how mortifying it was. Mako-chan was perfectly happy belting out embarrassing songs at the top of her voice, of course. All her favourites were from sports anime. I was too tired to cook, so we picked up a takeaway meal on our way home and eating it when we got in. And after that, I went to bed.

Today, I'd had fun with Mako-chan. Tomorrow I'd be seeing Chikane-chan again. Term's starting soon and these peaceful, leisurely days will end, I know. But they make me happy while I have the chance.

* * *

I sighed glumly, putting down my phone. Fifth attempt, failure. "No good. She still must have her phone turned off… no, by this time, most likely she's gone to bed."

"It's a shame, but it can't be helped," Otoha-san assured me. "You can phone her first thing tomorrow. But we've resolved everyone else… a single person missing the notice for whatever reason is within expectations. We've already done well."

"I know. But it bothers me, all the same," I said quietly. "I wish I knew her house number. Then I could try that, at least. Or if I'd thought to obtain Saotome's number as well…"

"What's done is done. There's no meaning in dwelling on things like that," Otoha-san chided. "Right now, you need to follow after her, and go to bed. So do I. Tomorrow's also the day when you meet with the Reynolds family. Remember our priorities."

"I understand," I said heavily, folding up my phone. "I'll concentrate on that for now, and phone her in the morning."

"Concentrate on sleep for now," Otoha-san insisted.

I nodded wearily, noticing how tired I was. It had been an extremely stressful day, so that was only natural. I wouldn't fret like this if I was altogether myself, after all. She was right. Sleep was what I needed. I'd have a lot more clarity and stability after that, and then I could concentrate.

I was half way through undressing when my phone rang. I snatched it up instantly and took the call, pressing it to my ear. "Hello. This is Chikane."

"_It's me." _

My heart sank at the sound of my mother's voice. I thought it was Himeko. "Good evening, Okasama."

"_I'm sorry for calling so late. It's only just now I heard of what the old bastard is planning, thanks to Eikou. He's being unreasonable but you were right to accept, Chikane. Thank you for that."_

"Not at all," I said. "I just acted in the most prudent way."

"_Right. I'll be brief, since you'll probably be going to bed soon. Forget the Reynolds. Do enough to keep up appearances, but they're not the important thing in this situation."_

"I see," I said, feeling puzzled. "So, what do you advise?"

"_I want you to do everything you can to win over Eikou and his family. I thought he was in father's pocket, but he at least went far enough to tell me. If that's the case, courting their favour may be worthwhile. It's not something I can do at this distance… but it's not something father can do at this distance, either. That's why I'm counting on you."_

I nodded, feeling foolish for missing this myself. As expected of mother, her experience shows itself in every situation. "I understand. I'll do my best to create a good impression and listen to their grievances. But they're expecting me to concentrate on the Reynolds, so I can't be too obvious."

"_Of course. I'll leave the specifics to you. I know I can trust you."_

"Thank you."

"_Your father says hi. I hope you're getting on well, in spite of all this excitement."_

"I'm fine," I assured her. "I hope you're also well."

"_I'm fine. The conference is over, so I'm going home."_

"I see. I'm glad."

"_It's late. I won't disturb you any longer. Good night."_

"Good night," I said automatically before hesitating. But she rang off before I could say anything more.

I put the phone aside, sighing. As ever, conversation isn't her strong suit. Mostly I prefer that to a father who worries far too much. But on nights like this, it's a little lonely.

That doesn't matter, though. Mother is a businesswoman. And so am I, now, I have to remember that. Neither of us have time to waste, so something like this is natural. More importantly, too, she's trusting me with significant matters. It's different from grandfather, who is just giving me orders since I'm the closest and most convenient. If I was to put it into words… I'm loyal to grandfather as a Himemiya, and I have a duty to him. But my loyalties to my mother, my duty to my mother, are both because I am her daughter, and she is a mother to me. Maybe I'm just strange, but the difference is huge. And now, in a small way, we're both fighting together. I worried as I was growing up, that mother would get tired, mother would give up, mother would bow the inevitable after years of struggle. But I was naïve. She's strong, far stronger than me. That's why I'll work furiously to keep up with her, as her only daughter.

I finished changing to my pyjamas and retired to my bed. I turned out the light, put my phone by my head, and fell heavily into bed. Now mother's words joined Himeko's face to worry at my mind, though.

Could you understand, Himeko? My silly little world with it's silly big aspirations. For someone like me, so young and so inexperienced, are my ambitions too foolish for words? I want to support my parents, not when I'm older, not when I'm stronger, but now. It has to be now. When they're older, it may be too late. You said you lost your parents, so maybe you'd understand. No, maybe you can understand a world even I can't understand. I've worked hard and been alone a lot but I'm still a sheltered person, still young and coddled. And when we first met, you said you were weak, but I'm now sure of what I thought then. You're strong. You're very strong. You must be, because you smile more than I ever do.

There are things I have to do. I hope you can forgive me for that.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chains of Memory: Part 9**

The Orochi will stop hanging around being cool and start doing things in the fullness of time. Just as soon as I've worked out how to fix the damn catgirl...

* * *

Today I see the other I again. Today I recall our many meetings that cannot be recalled, will not be recalled, when I return to the world of light. In the shadows of this dream, though, this a potential. Perhaps this dream will be remembered.

_Today, though, the other I is alone, dressed in the same uniform as before. She works furiously at a vast pile of documents placed before her, her writing swift and decisive. I step sideways to glance at her face, and I recognise it. I see that face in the mirror, from time to time. This is how I look when I am attempting a hard thing and a weary thing in deadly earnest. It is a grim expression. I have enough reasons to recall that face of mine now._

_If this is a dream, though, I should simply accept that. If this is meaningless I have nothing to lose. So this time I step forwards again, turn my head, and look down at the other I. "Do you want help with that?"_

_The other I doesn't acknowledge my presence by so much as looking up. Her eyebrows twitch, though. Perhaps that is enough. _

_Undeterred I walk away and look around the neat office. It is large and well furnished, but that only serves to make the silence heavier. The only sound I can hear is the scratching of pen against paper, and the other I breathing softly. I myself have no breath. When I look outside through the windows there is light, air, people. I find myself sympathising with my doppelganger a little more. This isolation and coldness I can understand. But, this is a reflection of me. I am not a reflection of her. Of course this is a shadow cast of my conscious thoughts and cares._

_It was livelier here when Himeko was here. That's a happier life than my own, just perhaps. If I am to dream, I'd rather dream in a restful way, not of my true self. And that is a thought. I headed for the door. Perhaps somewhere I could find Himeko, and perhaps I could bring her here. Standing idly by is not my speciality._

_A file slams shut and the other I stands. "You should leave."_

_I turn to face her, and this time I have more courage. I can look her in the eyes. "Why?"_

_Her eyes are cold. Infinitely cold and distant. Is this expression my own? This fear my own? I can't conceive of channelling such a cold passion, no matter the circumstances._

"_I am going to make hell on earth," the other I said. Her strength and fury makes the melodramatic deadly earnest. "You do not want to see what comes after this."_

_She steps forwards. I cannot move. I feel as if I have been rooted to the ground. No, it is like invisible chains are binding me. She continues to walk and my body is terrified, wanting to shake, wanting to tremble, but I can't move or turn away. My fear blooms and with it flowers a foreboding I cannot describe. _

_The other I steps past me. Once again, she doesn't even acknowledge that I exist. And as she passes, my inexplicably animal fear subsides, unmasking a deeper disturbance underneath._

Every blame must be put in its proper place. A world that despises you must be destroyed. And a love that cannot come true must be crushed into dust.

_I do not know whether those words are hers or mine. And I do not know whether they are words of a dream, or a past, or the present itself._

_But they call to me in a way I can't understand at all._

* * *

"What are you spacing out for?"

I blinked and smiled apologetically at Mako-chan. "Sorry. I was just trying to remember my dream. I know it was good, but I can't remember anything about it at all."

Mako-chan sighed. "That's just like you, you know. Don't get too lost in a happy dreamland. We still have things to do today."

"We do?" I asked, blinking in surprise.

"We do," Mako-chan said reproachfully. "We've been slacking off all weak, and now it's catching up with us. We need to register with a doctor, and buy stationary, and do all sorts of things we haven't done."

"I see." I sighed heavily. "It's a shame, I wanted to read Reiko-sensei's manga before meeting Chikane-chan."

"See? We play around too much. It'll keep." Mako-chan shrugged. "Well, we should see if we can meet up with Souma. I'm pretty sure he still has to do all this stuff too, and he has to be even more serious than us."

"I wonder whether Chikane-chan's taken care of everything," I mused to myself. "It's hard to believe she's the same age as us."

"I suspect she can look after herself. Either way, you don't get to see her before this evening. You wouldn't get anything useful done."

"That's not fair," I complained. "We managed to get something done when we went shopping for the books, remember?"

"I know, I know." Mako-chan glared at me. "In any case, we're keeping our focus today, okay?"

"Yes." I sighed, smiling thinly. I really am lucky I have Mako-chan to bully me, since I'm a lazy person. I probably wouldn't get anything done at all if I was on my own. "I'm glad we had fun yesterday, though."

"We'd be pretty lame students if we didn't have fun when we could," Mako-chan said, softening a little. "Just as long as we can also do everything at the last minute right."

"Is Ogami-kun really like that, though?" I mused. "It seems like he should be in control of things."

"You think?" Mako-chan asked dubiously. "I always thought it was his brother who had all the sensible parts. Knowing Souma, he's probably so busy challenging the local dojos to duels or whatever that he's forgotten the real work. Well, that's why we need to look out for him."

I smiled cheerfully, glancing at her.

"What's so funny?" Mako-chan asked.

I shook my head. "Nothing. I just thought you admired Ogami-kun much more when you knew him less."

"That's normal, isn't it?" Mako-chan said defensively. "You'll get like that with Himemiya. But knowing the real person isn't all bad, either."

"I know the real Chikane-chan," I said. "A little, anyway…"

"Perhaps, but I'm sure you two have a long way to go," Mako-chan said, putting her chopsticks down. "Anyway, thanks for the food. Once again, it was delicious."

"Delicious is going too far," I said sheepishly, scratching my cheek.

"I'm just being frank," Mako-chan said. "If you want me to lie and say it's less good, I can, though."

I winced. "That's not necessary."

"I thought not. Just accept praise with a smile, already." Mako-chan stood. "In any case, time to wake Souma. Can I leave that to you?"

I pouted. "Ehh? Why me? You have his number, right?"

"If it's you, he'll be more likely to come," Mako-chan said cheerfully. "It's just good policy, okay?"

"I don't think that's true," I grumbled, taking the dishes to the kitchen.

"Oh, stop making a fuss," Mako-chan said. "It's no big deal, right?"

I sighed. "Okay, okay. I'll do it." But it wouldn't be a big deal for her, either. I put them down then walked back to my bed and took my phone from its charger. I switched it on and located Souma's number, dialling it quickly.

He picked up eventually. _"Hello?"_

"It's me. Good morning, Ogami-kun."

"Kurusugawa? Good morning."

"Sorry about the time, Mako-chan insisted," I said apologetically. "I hope I haven't interrupted anything."

"Not really. I just got out of the shower, though…"

"Sorry," I repeated, frowning. "I hope that wasn't because of this."

"Nope. I'm just wet. In any case, what's up?"

"Are you doing anything today?" I asked. "Mako-chan wants us to do a lot of important stuff… I'm not sure really, but anyway, if you're not busy, maybe you could meet us at the station?"

"Sure. I'm not doing anything in particular… what time?"

"Uhm, give me a second." I turned to Mako-chan. "What time are we meeting?"

"Ten at the station is fine," Mako-chan said idly. She was going over important-looking bits of paper again. "It'll give us some time to get ready."

"Ten at the station," I repeated to him. "That's okay with you, right?"

"Sure. Okay, the station at ten."

"We'll see you there," I said. "Thank you, Ogami-kun."

"Not at all. See you later."

"Bye." I ended the call and slipped my phone into my pocket. "That's fine, right?"

"Right. Good job," Mako-chan said absently. "Now come and look at this, I can't work out these forms at all."

"In a minute," I said evasively. "I've got to do the washing up first, though, okay?"

"Oh, come on," Mako-chan said. "It'll only take a minute."

"Once I'm done," I said, beating a hastily retreat to my kitchen. Forms and things bore me half to death. Sorry, Mako-chan, but I'll do my very best to avoid them.

Unfortunately, there's only so long you can spin out simply washing up and there was still time before we had to walk to the station. Mako-chan hadn't budged from her position, so I was beginning to resign myself to the fact that I'd have to help her, even if it killed me.

So I was pleasantly surprised when my phone rang, pulling it out of my pocket and walking off to the corner of the kitchen. "Hello?"

"_This is Chikane. I'm sorry for calling so early… can you talk right now?"_

"Sure," I said enthusiastically. "We're not doing anything important."

"_Good." _Chikane paused for a moment. _"How are you feeling?"_

"I'm good," I said. "A little tired, though. How about you?"

"_I'm… fine." _Chikane-chan actually sounded hesitant, which was usual. _"No, more importantly… I have to talk to you about something."_

"Yes?"

"_Tonight- I can't do tonight," _she said abruptly. _"I'm… sorry. But it's a family matter, and both my grandfather and my mother asked."_

"I see," I said, feeling a heavy disappointment settle on me. "What happened? Nothing bad?"

"_It's nothing bad," _Chikane-chan said hurriedly. _"They just asked me for a favour, and I'd feel uncomfortable letting them down- though I know I'm letting you down, so I'm really sorry for that."_

"It's okay," I said, smiling a little at how silly she sounded. "I know family is important. I'm just a little surprised, that's all."

"_I only found out late Wednesday evening, and I couldn't contact you all of yesterday," _Chikane-chan explained, with just a hint of reproach colouring the edge of her voice. _"I'm sorry this is on such short notice, though."_

"No, it's my fault," I said, blushing a little. Turning off my phone so I'd definitely pay attention to Mako-chan had seemed like a good idea at the time… "I'm sorry about yesterday. I turned my phone off in the morning, then forgot about it."

"_It can't be helped, since I received this news late and then left it myself," _Chikane-chan said. _"In any case, I really am sorry. I'll probably be completely busy for several days, but the moment I have free time, I'll try and see you again. If you have the time, I mean."_

"I'd like that," I said, smiling softly. It was a disappointment, but I guess I shouldn't expect anything else. Chikane-chan does sound like a busy person. "What are you busy with? It sounds tough… or am I being too intrusive?"

"_Not at all. Under the circumstances, you definitely have a right to know." _Chikane-chan sighed. _"In any case…my grand uncle is receiving important guests here in Tokyo, and I've been told to go there and help out any way I can."_

"I see," I said thoughtfully. So Chikane-chan does things like this too. "Who are the guests?"

"_They're an American business dynasty," _Chikane-chan said clearly. _" The Reynolds family. Heavily involved in banking, insurance and shipping. In terms of the sheer size of their assets, they exceed the Himemiya, though much of that is only indirectly tied to Andrew Reynolds and is unlikely to survive his retirement."_

I blinked, trying to process all that. "I… see. Sounds scary."

"_Ah, sorry. I know it sounds like this doesn't have anything to do with me, and that there isn't much I can do even if I go, but I'm expected to support other members of the family. I can't afford to alienate grandfather, even if it means inconvenient decisions like this." _Chikane-chan sighed. _"I'm sorry. It sounds like I'm making excuses for myself."_

"No, it's fine," I assured her. "I don't really understand, but I'm sure you work really hard. You don't have to apologise for that. I want to support you."

"I see. Thank you, Himeko."

"Ogami-kun told me this once, too," I recalled. "Isato-sama… your cousin, he was also amazing at a lot of things. He made it look effortless so he was a little aloof. But Ogami-kun said he knew that Isato Himemiya worked harder than anyone else did. I'm sure Chikane-chan is the same." I flushed slightly. "Not that I'm saying you're aloof, or anything. On the contrary, you're willing to be friends with someone like me."

"That's nothing. It's just…well, there's no reason not to like you, so whether I'm aloof or not doesn't really come into it. But it's not like I'm condescending to you at all."

"I'm glad," I said wanly. "But I know Chikane-chan's time is very important, so it makes me feel a little bad. I hope I'm not holding you back."

"_It's nothing like that!" _Chikane-chan said forcefully, surprisingly. She paused for a second, and continued in a more measured way. _"I'm sure you have things you want to do with your time, too. There isn't anyone who has nothing to do with their time at all, so meeting a person means you'd rather spend time with them. And I want to meet you, more than all the other people I won't be able to see because of this- I want to see you."_

I blushed furiously, feeling my heart leap. I knew Chikane-chan was kind, but when she says something like that so sincerely, it's overwhelming. "Thank you… thank you very much…"

"_Sorry," _Chikane-chan said, sounding a little embarrassed. _"That was phrased a little awkwardly. But you're not holding me back. You're already supporting me."_

"And I feel the same way," I said meekly. "It's not like I can say I'm happy about this, because I really do want to see you. But I'll still try my best, since this is something that matters to you. I hope you can be really helpful, so your family is grateful to you."

"_I'll do everything I can to make sure that's the case," _Chikane-chan said brightly. _"I hope you also take care of yourself. I'm sure you're also busy."_

"I'll do my best," I repeated, breaking off when Mako-chan elbowed me in the back of the head. "But I'll have to go. I'll speak to you later, okay?"

"Okay. It's a promise."

"Goodbye, Chikane-chan."

"Goodbye, Himeko."

I rang off, smiling broadly to myself. It feels like we ended on a really good note, even though we began the conversation with bad news. It's because Chikane-chan is so gentle and kind… but she's also strong. She said something like that without any hesitation. That makes me feel a little special.

Two arms encircled my waist from behind. "What's this, what's this?" Mako-chan asked cheerfully. "I feel the same way… I really do want to see you… are you her lover or something?"

I turned red, looking down at the floor. "It's not like that! And don't listen in on other people's conversations!"

"But you're so earnest, it scares me," Mako-chan said, stepping deftly back. "Honestly, this is why I have to look after you. You could hurt yourself one day."

"Being honest isn't a bad thing," I said, returning my phone to my pocket again and glaring at her. "And Chikane-chan is a kind person, so it's fine."

"Okay, okay," Mako-chan said, raising her hands. "Just remember there's a lot of words to describe the Himemiya, but kind probably wouldn't be one of them."

"The Himemiya have nothing to do with it," I said sharply. "Chikane-chan is just Chikane-chan, and she's a kind person. I know that myself."

Mako-chan sighed. "Alright. Don't take me too seriously. Just as long as you're not talking like that to bad boys… though Souma would just kill them, so it's all good."

"I'm not a little kid, you know," I said, pouting at her. "I can look after myself."

"When you're not tripping over yourself," Mako-chan teased, smirking at me. "In any case, let's get going. We'll be late at this rate."

I nodded, following her and putting on my shoes. "Besides, it was Chikane-chan who said something like that first," I grumbled.

"What? Seriously?" Mako-chan asked, glancing at me in surprise. "What did she say?"

I flushed. "Well… she said she wanted to see me."

"However hard I try, it's seriously hard to imagine that," Mako-chan grumbled. "I think she treats you differently or something."

"There's no way that could be true," I said reproachfully, opening the door. "Just admit that Chikane-chan is a good person."

"I'm not saying she's a bad person," Mako-chan said, following me. "I'm just saying I don't think she'd go so far for everyone she knew. No need to be defensive."

"I'm not being defensive!" I said firmly. "I just don't want you to talk badly about Chikane-chan."

"Which is what I'm saying. I'm not talking badly about her." Mako-chan sighed. "Well, whatever."

"Oh, by the way, she can't do tonight," I said. "Since she's been dragged into family business."

"What? Hey, mention that first!" Mako-chan glanced at me. "Aren't you upset?"

I shook my head. "Chikane-chan has her reasons, so that's what I want to support. I'll see her when she can."

"You're an unreasonably understanding person when it comes to some things," Mako-chan noted dryly. "Never mind. Let's just have a good day out, okay? Even if it's all work."

I nodded. "Right!"

That was also a promise.

* * *

Eikou Himemiya lives on the modern alternative to a mansion, a single large penthouse at the top of a very large apartment building. I happen to know that grandfather vaguely disapproves of this, considering it less private, dignified and above all, less proper than a traditional abode, or even a western-styled great house. I also happen to know that in expense and luxury this in no way falls short of those standards. If Eikou's family is part of a branch, it is thick and strong in its own right, only loosely dependant on the main family through the supply of capital, contacts, and above all, the binding force of family loyalty. Grandfather is the head of the family. For Eikou-sama, that is that.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't maintain his own notions of independence within those lines.

That's why I was careful to bow low and respectfully when I was finally shown into his presence. "It has been a while, Oji-sama. I trust that you and your family have been well."

"Ah. Please sit down." Eikou scrutinised me thoughtfully, the blazing azure eyes focusing on my face below his receding black hair. "You look very well. I take my eyes off you for a few years and you grow into a fine young woman."

I sat. "Thank you, Oji-sama. For your part, you also look very well."

"Oji-san is fine," Eikou said easily. "When you address me like that, you make me feel old."

"Then I'll do so," I said. "Okasama and Otousama extend their greetings to you. They say it has been too long."

"So it has… if Kazuho is anything like me, she'll also be growing old." Eikou blinked slowly. "Tell them I return the greeting, and am pleased to receive their gifted daughter."

I bowed my head again. "Not at all. I am very grateful to receive your hospitality at such short notice. You have our deepest thanks."

"This was Shuusei-sama's will. Even so, you are always welcome here, regardless of the circumstances."

"Thank you very much."

"With that said, I'll also say something for clarity's sake," Eikou said calmly. "I'm grateful to assist Shuusei-sama, but I will be the host of the Reynolds family for this week. Your assistance is welcomed, of course."

Without hesitation, I bowed my head again. "Of course. I am in your care."

"And I will do anything in my power to assist you," Eikou returned, giving me an even look. "Your presence is a relief. Honoka's English isn't strong enough for her to be confident in conversation with an American, and of course Ritsou is away in Kyoto."

"I will do my best. It may be immodest, but I have confidence in my English," I said firmly.

"As I'd expect of you," Eikou said seriously. "In any case, they are expected to arrive shortly. Please use the time now to familiarise yourself with my house as you please. It isn't as grand as a main line mansion, but it serves its purpose."

"It is an extremely attractive home," I said. "The aesthetic is particularly pleasing."

"I'm glad you think so," Eikou said, "since so many disagree. If you need any assistance, call a servant or come to me."

I stood, bowing my head one more time, before retreating from his office to the main living room. It was extremely spacious, smooth and dark but with large windows and an indoor water feature. Grandfather would not approve.

Otoha-san stepped away from her place next to the wall, looking at me. "I have unpacked in your room. Shall I show you the way?"

"Please do so," I said, smiling slightly. I had worried so much prior to this, but I am spirited now. This isn't anything I cannot handle. "Did you manage to meet your contact?"

"I did," Otoha-san said calmly. "Of course, I don't have the authority I would command in our own house, but please rest easy. Your wishes will be respected nonetheless."

"I'm sure that would be the case regardless," I said. "Eikou-sama has greeted me kindly."

"I am glad," Otoha-san said, glancing thoughtfully at me. "But I'm relieved. In spite of your earlier pessimism, your demeanour now is serene."

"Is that so?" I asked peacefully. "I always feel better in action. But I will also admit that this time I had encouragement."

"Encouragement?" Otoha-san queried.

I nodded. "There are important people supporting me. If that's the case, then I'll forge ahead without regrets."

"I see." Otoha-san smiled. "I'm glad you feel that way."

Which is deceptive, of course, in part. It is true that I can feel the weight of father and mother supporting me over the distance between us. Even grandfather's difficult and unwelcome expectations are a challenge that motives me to move forwards. But there's also the kind words of a girl I so slenderly know, and I can't forget them. Perhaps they're an inspiration to me. Perhaps it's only that they've sealed off my last, lingering regret about this situation. Either way, thanks to a gentle girl who will push me forwards even as I let her down, I can continue without any hesitation. I've already made the necessary sacrifices. Now I simply have to do well, and doing well is what I do. There's no meaning in any hesitation.

When I was in my room, I took the chance to message Himeko about my progress. After that I bore with the inconvenience of turning off my phone. I had to be able to focus. Even if she's encouraging me, I can't think about her all day. And after that, I returned to the lounge alone, waiting for the Reynolds to arrive. They would likely be jetlagged, so any introductions would be brief. But I would make a good first impression.

At length, I determined from the rising ambient noise that they had arrived. I waited where I was, though. I am a guest, not a servant, just as I wasn't received by Eikou-sama at the door. But I did look up curiously as the family finally entered, flanked by several servants carrying bags. Well, they weren't blonde, for a start.

I stood to acknowledge faces whose names I already knew. But I still bowed. There is a proper system, after all. Eikou-sama had also come out of his study to greet them, and it was he who took charge. _"Welcome to my home," _he said in slightly accented English. _"I hope the journey was not too arduous."_

"_It went as well as could be expected," _Andrew-sama said, with a cheerful grimace. I had to strain my hearing since he definitely did have an accent. I didn't recognise it, though. _"Thank you for taking us in. You are Eikou Himemiya, correct?"_

"_That is correct," _Eikou said. _"My daughter is at school, or else she would greet you. May I present my niece in her place, Chikane Himemiya."_

I deepened my bow. _"It is a pleasure to meet you, Mr Reynolds. I have heard much about you from my parents."_

"_And I've heard something about you from your grandfather," _Andrew said amicably. _"Good to meet you. And may I introduce my own family? My wife Samantha, my son Harry, my daughter Mary and my younger son, Leonard."_

I stood to look at them, and was colloquially greeted in English. The tallest, Harry, smiled at me. He was tall and dark-haired, with his mother's bright green eyes. I suppose you would call him attractive, but I'm not sure. Personally I don't have any time for things like that. _"I'm glad to meet you all," _I said. _"I hope we can get to know each other a little better."_

"_Likewise," _Harry said cheerfully.

"_In any case, I'm sure you are all tired from the journey," _Eikou said. _"Allow me to show you to your rooms."_

"_Thank you," _Andrew-sama said, following him.

I stood aside, smiling at them as they passed. I'm still no servant girl. But seeing Eikou-sama go this far brings home that the Reynolds aren't just anyone. I smiled at them as they passed, and once they were gone, I retired to my chair in front of a coffee table again. I was at something of an impasse there. Normally I would ask Otoha-san for tea but I don't know exactly where she is, nor is simply shouting very elegant. Luckily I caught the attention of a servant who passed, and after a short interval I was served with tea. It wasn't as good as Otoha-san's tea, but I suppose it was good enough. I took the chance to drink and to think, planning my next move. Most likely, I'd be waiting until dinner for my next chance, depending on how gregarious the Reynolds family is, and more pertinently how tired they were. But at dinner, it was almost certain the places would be arranged in my favour. That would be a perfect chance.

I sighed, sipping my tea philosophically. I'd forgotten how tiring it was to speak and listen in English. No, more than simply the language, that accent of theirs is a nightmare for me. I was taught from the textbook, and this sounds quite different.

"So here you are." I glanced up to see Harry walking towards me. "Do you mind if I join you?"

His accent and pronunciation are both poor, but that isn't the point. He's speaking Japanese, intelligible Japanese. "Feel free," I replied, too stunned to formulate a proper response. "I mean, _go ahead._"

"Don't worry about that," Harry said, sitting down opposite me. "I like a chance to practise. I'm not very good, so if I don't make sense, ask."

"You're quite good," I said. "I'm impressed."

"I have a long way to go. You're also quite good. I was surprised." Harry grinned. "Your pronunciation is better than the old man."

I shook my head. "I wouldn't go that far… tea?"

"I'm good, thanks," Harry said. "I prefer coffee."

I smiled slightly, imagining Otoha-san's reaction to that. "I see. In any case, I'm surprised you're up. I thought you'd be tired from the journey."

"I have a lot of stamina. We also do this a lot, so we're used to it." Harry smiled at me. "Why? Are you bothered by me being here?"

"No, I'm just curious. I thought I wouldn't have anyone to talk to before dinner," I said honestly. But yes, this is convenient. He's even gone out of his way to talk to me. Perhaps he's just friendly. Or perhaps he's attracted to me. Either way is fine, I need to go through the motions of grandfather's request. "You have come a long way, though. I'm impressed."

"It's nothing," Harry said, seeming pleased by that. "Just sitting and talking is fine. In any case, you are his niece? Do you live here?"

"I'm a guest like you," I said. "I will be going to the University of Tokyo shortly. I'll be moving back to my own flat when the term is fully underway."

And so on and so forth. It's not as if I'm merely editing what I'm saying for ease of comprehension. I'm also subtly editing it all to suit my own purposes. Drawing him on with this, deflecting attention with that, all in order to do what I've been ordered to do. It makes me a little dizzy. And what irritates me most of all about this scenario is, perhaps, we could have been friends. We have things in common, and it's not a friendship that needs to last any significant test of time. But I've been pushed into taking this stance, chasing an agenda outside my natural instincts, so everything I do is unnatural. That isn't his fault. I'm not sure if grandfather is to blame, or whether the one in the wrong is I.

Either way, in this conversation I do what I have to do. I can only fake anything like romantic interest. In terms of boys, that doesn't exist for me to begin with.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chains of Memory: Part 10**

This chapter was an indulgance, and poor Himeko is totally absent. Poor girl keeps getting shafted. I promise I'll be good and include a lot of her next time...

* * *

Music is a strange thing to me.

My technical skill at the piano and the violin is excellent. They are the only instruments I can play, since their reputation is also excellent. And for the most part, I can't ever reach the heart of music. I play by the rotes I have memorised, and I play to impress those who are listening. It is not an unsatisfying experience, since like all arts it requires close concentration and fluid, difficult technique. Faultlessly executing a difficult task on the back of the fruits of long and hard effort is a pleasure I find in common to many of my activities, from calligraphy to kyudo. But that's all. For the most part, I lack an undefinable quality. My music is cold, precise, beautiful in its own way, but it's the beauty of ice and crystal. Warmth and emotion… for me, they have no place in my music. I ration those things carefully into the small, peaceful corners of my life, and they never meet with my public self at all.

Yet, why? Why am I feeling this now? An indistinct sensation of calmness, a happy feeling, peace… I have no tension in this moment and yet my playing is faultless, even though my mind is wheeling freely through these thoughts and through hazy, dreamlike images. There's nostalgia to it, as well. This is a memory that harks back to better times, maybe, something that has nothing to do with the now. Perhaps when I was younger, playing for my parents. There were scenes like this, weren't there? I'm sure of it. Before this became just another means to prove my commitment to mother, when I was younger, younger that I didn't really understand the significance of piano and violin, calligraphy and kyudo. When they were things I was learning to do, not trappings like a dress I wore to impress. I don't really remember, but this memory is something I want to pursue, to reach, to remember.

So I poured all my feelings into my music, searching for something I didn't understand and couldn't recognise. And, in the end, the song finished and I opened my eyes, and the feeling died. A little shaken, I was just myself in my world.

They applauded graciously. I turned my head and inclined it to acknowledge their appreciation silently.

"Excellent," Andrew-sama said in Japanese. "You are very good."

"I'm glad you think so," I replied, closing my eyes. "I still have a long way to go, though."

"Just as I'd expect of Chikane Himemiya, you're way better than me," Honoka remarked cheerfully. "It's embarrassing when I'm having my playing shown up in my own house."

"Not at all," I said gracefully. "I've just had longer to practise, and even then I can hardly tell the difference between us myself."

"Hm. You like being modest, don't you?" Honoka teased. "There's no way someone who can play that well lacks the musical sense to tell the difference between us."

What an impudent girl. I suppose it can't be helped, though, especially since she's right enough. Honoka is good for her age but four years difference is going to tell. It'd just be better for both of us if she let me dissemble. "I only have practise," I replied, smiling at her. "It is exactly that music sense where I have a long way to go, so you'll have to forgive me."

"_How about you, Harry?" _Andrew asked in English. _"Are you going to have a try?"_

"_I don't know," _Harry said, grinning. _"That was one hell of an act to follow."_

"_Don't chicken out now," _Mary said, elbowing her brother. _"Just go do it, already."_

I closed my eyes. Damn that accent. It isn't as if I can't understand, but it makes everything so much harder. I've noticed this before, but the difference between languages I'm taught and using them with other people can be very irritating.

"_It looks like I don't have a choice," _Harry said, standing and walking forwards. "I guess it's my turn. I don't have any confidence in following after you, though."

"Not at all," I said graciously, standing. "I'm looking forwards to it."

"I have an idea, though. Can you play…" Harry stopped short, as if looking for a word. "Two people at once? _Piano four-hands._"

I smiled. "A little. Perhaps you know Brahms' Sixteen Waltzes?"

"I do, yes," he said. "How about it? Number Fifteen in A-Flat major?"

"That would be wonderful." He sat down, taking his place.

I sat next to him, thankful that there was enough room. I closed my eyes for a moment, recalling the piece in question as I slid my hands into position. "On your count, then."

"_Hey, that's cheating," _Mary complained, glaring at her brother.

He smiled slightly, ignoring the interruption. "So let's begin. One, two, one, two, three…"

We played together. Harry was quite good, though he made a few minor slips. My form was only a little better, though I don't feel it was notably worse than my last performance. But the feeling was different, all the same. This tension and concentration is exactly what I normally feel, and that strangely haunting emotion I received just a minute ago is totally absent. Perhaps music really is that whimsical and strange, but it's a shame. It would have been nice if I could recall that again, but I have a feeling it's not going to come back. At least, not for today.

Of course, it's possible I was just being careless before. It's hard to tell the relaxation of intuitive talent from the relaxation of being sloppy.

We are applauded and praised once we were finished, and I finally got to return to my seat, since Mary demanded that Harry had 'cheated' and should at least play something on his own. So I sat down and smiled encouragingly at him as he started to play, and listened respectfully. The fact that the children of each family here can do it is proof… rather than music lovers, this is just part of the reputable, private school lives we lead. But classical music needs us, so I suppose it can manage that ignominy.

And now I can take the time to assess the wider situation, things seem to be going well. The two families are more similar than dissimilar, and now I can foil for Harry as well. I will credit Honoka for being able to entertain Mary and Leonard while we talk, and naturally Eikou is an excellent host. The meal was well received, and they also had a good chance to talk business. Most importantly for my purposes, Harry is interested in me, or at least doesn't mind passing time talking to me. Hopefully, this will give me a chance to turn my attention to Eikou-sama in the fullness of time. But in the meantime, the way to prove my competence to him is precisely to assist him with the Reynolds. There's no need to split my focus just yet; I simply have to continue as I am.

It's hard to imagine that things would go this smoothly if grandfather himself were handling this. Eikou-sama is talented, and I'm sure he also knows this. That is probably a good place to start, when I do begin to move.

I applauded when Harry had finished playing, nodding my head appreciatively. _"Very good. You certainly had nothing to fear by following me."_

Harry grinned, walking back to his seat. _"I'm not sure about that, but thanks, all the same."_

"_That was very impressive, I can assure you," _Eikou-sama said calmly.

"_You're too kind. In any case, I'm afraid I have some work to take care of. Will you join me, Eikou?"_

"_It would be my pleasure."_

"_How about me, father?" _Harry asked, turning his head. _"Shall I assist you?"_

"_Thank you for the offer, but you should rest up for today," _Andrew said. _"It's nothing major."_

"_I see," _Harry said, looking a little put out. Yes, it's important to remember he isn't simply an amicable young man, but the Reynolds heir.

"I'll leave him in your hands, Chikane-san," Andrew said, turning to me.

I smiled artificially, bowing my head. "As you say. It is an honour."

Another minor but important stage has been cleared.

"I see," Harry said, glancing at me. "What do you suggest? I wouldn't mind it if you could show me more of Tokyo-"

"_Won't you play with us, brother? We'd like to spend time with Chikane too." _Mary gave her brother a playful look. I have no objection to that. _"Right, Leonard?"_

"_Yeah," _Leonard said. _"Come on, let's play games! Honoka too. It will be fun."_

"_Well, I don't know," _Harry said, glancing at Honoka and me. "They say they want to play games. Is that okay with you two?"

"Sounds fun to me," Honoka said cheerfully. "Let's do it."

I nodded, smiling. "That sounds fine to me as well. Anything else would be a little unfair."

Games? I don't play them very much. I can get by in chess, shogi and Go, of course, but compared to my other fields of study I'm weak. Further, I don't think that was what they had in mind when they said games. Rolling dice, if that's what they mean, isn't too hard.

That wasn't what they meant, though, of course.

I blinked slowly as we settled into Leonard's room, looking down at the white thing in front of me. "_This is a game console, right? A Wii?_"

"_Right. Do you play at all?" _Harry glanced at Honoka. "And what language shall we use? This is difficult."

"_I can manage English," _Honoka said. _"A little English, anyway. So what are we playing?"_

Her pronunciation isn't very good, but it can't be helped. _"I wonder. And no, I don't play at all."_

"_Seriously?" _Honoka asked, glancing at me. _"I mean, I don't have one but I've played quite a bit. One of my friends is into this stuff."_

"_I've never had a friend like that, so I've never learned," _I said calmly, masking my apprehension. This, in particular, is wholly outside my expertise.

"_Great! Concentrate, everyone," _Honoka said brightly. _"After this, we can say we've beaten Chikane Himemiya!"_

I sighed. She really is a remarkably casual girl. I know she's younger, but I swear I had more sense of decorum at her age.

"_Is that really such a big deal?" _Mary asked, glancing sidelong at her. _"You're way too excitable."_

"_You wouldn't know, but it's big," _Honoka shot back, folding her arms and smirking. _"I'm sure Harry-kun isn't too bad, but our Chikane is different. Anyone should get excited at the chance to beat her."_

"_Oh, really? Don't take us too lightly," _Mary said. _"I'll beat her, so you don't even have to think about comparing her to Harry."_

"_Don't get ahead of yourself. I'm your opponent." _Honoka smirked, folding her arms. _"We'll be putting the Himemiya name down, right, Miss Chikane?"_

"_Let's not get too carried away," _Harry said urgently, turning towards us again. _"It's just a friendly game… besides, there's only room for four players, so I'll sit out."_

"_No, I will!" _Leonard said loudly. _"I'll help her, so you can all race."_

"_That's the spirit," _Honoka said.

"_Traitor," _Mary pouted.

I touched my forehead. What is it Himeko says? I don't really understand… now I know her feelings. This has somehow become something amazing and stupid, or just amazingly stupid.

The television yelped "Mario Kart, Wiii!" and left a bad impression. I ended up sitting in front of it, all the same, with a controller I could barely hold and only the shakiest idea of what was going on. "By the way, Honoka-san, when you were talking about the Himemiya earlier you said you'd put our name down. I think you meant, you'd put our name on the line, since as you said it you were literally putting us down…"

"_Team Versus battle, right?" _Honoka said. _"Me and Chikane against you and Harry!"_

She wasn't listening at all. In a way, it's really amazing a girl like this can be a Himemiya. Perhaps because she has a much older brother, she doesn't feel pressure?

"Sorry about this," Harry said, glancing up apologetically at me. "Mary's stubborn, so we'll have to put up with it. Since it's your first time, I'll go easy on you both."

Something irrational in me twitched. It's been a while since someone dared to say that. "No. Go all out from the start. I'll catch up to you."

"If you say so," Harry said dubiously, turning back to face the screen. He'll probably hold back, all the same.

If I pass him, he'll get serious, though.

Wait, why do I care about this silly game anyway?

"_Can you understand what I'm saying, Chikane?"_ Leonard asked. He was kneeling on the bed behind me, looking down at me. _"You can't play, right? I'll tell you how."_

"_I'm in your care," _I said dryly.

"_Move the Wii-mote to move the cursor and press A to select a character."_

I did so. That seemed simple enough. They're all rather cutesy.

"_The characters are divided into three weight classes. Small characters have better acceleration and handling, medium characters are balanced and large characters are faster and better able to ram people."_

Oh. _"What do you recommend?"_

"_Anything's fine, really."_

I twitched. Why tell me all that stuff, then? I ended up selecting a ghost, on the general principle that ghosts are scary. Well, if I think about this logically, I should be able to phase through the course and cut every corner. Somehow I doubt that, though.

"_King Boo, then? He's large. It seems like Princess Peach would suit you more, though."_

"_She has a stupid name," _I replied eloquently. It looked like he was going to launch into another monologue about the choice of vehicle, so I picked the default to cut him off. After that, I was asked if I wanted to be manual or automatic. So many choices. When are we actually racing? _"What now?"_

"_Racing manual lets you power-slide for boost by braking into a turn. That's hard, though. You probably want to be automatic, it's easier."_

"_Will that disadvantage me?" _I asked.

"_A little," _Leonard said. _"Manual makes things more complex, though."_

"_I'll be manual." _I selected that. I might as well go down fighting.

Mary and Honoka appeared to be arguing about the course to select, with Harry mediating between them. I was happy to sit out on that one.

"_Okay, now for the controls," _Leonard said precisely. _"A is accelerate, B is break. Like I said, break while turning to power-slide. The stick is steering. Z is use items…"_

I looked carefully over the controller and narrowed my eyes, trying to remember anything. At least Leonard was crisp and precise. Unfortunately, if my music sense is 'weaker than I'd like', a euphemism for good, then my gaming sense… is zero.

This was going to be interesting, but the match-up was unfair from the start. Hopefully Honoka hasn't forgotten that.

Finally, the race began. _"Press and hold A just after the 2 appears, and you'll get a boost from the start," _Leonard said crisply.

There's more? My head's beginning to hurt. And that must have carried over since when the race started my cart… sorry, _kart_… exploded. I ended up crawling from the starting line behind everyone else. _"That wasn't much of a boost."_

"_That happens if you miss the timing," _Leonard explained. _"It can't be helped. Even Harry gets that from time to time."_

Mention that before. I gritted my teeth and did my best to follow, but just holding the controller was pretty difficult. I managed to aim, though, and hit one of the glowing boxes. A moment later, I hit the grass and slowed right down. Oh.

"You got Bullet Bill. Fire with Z!"

I blinked, and pressed Z. As Leonard-dono commands. I wasn't disappointed, though, since I turned into a very large black _thing _and shot past some innocent looking cows into the middle of the pack again, before being dropped there. _"That was… rather good."_

"_The power-ups are sorted according to your place. You get the best ones if you're in last."_

"_How counter-intuitive," _I said, hitting a ramp over a hillock before crashing into more grass. _"So the game is telling me I'm bad."_

"_It's a come-back mechanic," _Leonard explained.

I dragged myself out of the grass. _"I'm going to need it." _I hit another power-up box, but this one made me spin around. Annoyingly, the finishing line was already in sight.

"_That's a booby-trap set by the enemy team. You can tell because it has different colours."_

It did? I frowned. I'd have to concentrate on that. I limped over the line and into lap two.

Naturally, I lost that race by a mile, even though I got the big bullet of doom three times. Harry was first, Mary second, and Honoka fifth. She was yelling something about _'that damn shell'_, while Mary was just smirking.

"Come on, Chikane-san,"Honoka-san said. "I need you! I can't beat them both!"

"This is the first time she's played something like this," Harry said reasonably. "And it's just a game, so-"

"Don't worry," I said, cutting him off. "I will learn as fast as I can, then catch up."

"Right!" Honoka said, grinning.

"_In English, in English," _Mary complained.

In the second race, Harry came first again, while Honoka and Mary somehow contrived to drag themselves screaming from second and third to seventh and eighth, respectively. I came last again, but that was fine. The basic principles of the game had fallen into place.

In the third race, Honoka actually snatched first from the Red Team, leaving the siblings to take second and third. I came tenth, but I'd spent most of the second lap in fourth before an over-ambitious power slide over a cliff shot me into a fatal backwards slide. More importantly, I'd gathered enough material to analyse the situation.

In the final race I'd fight back with all my power, just as I'd promised. In the name of the Himemiya.

I had a few weapons on my side. The powerful power-ups and the come-back mechanic of scaling the power inverse to place is obviously friendly to inexperienced players, though the cliffs and grass were surprisingly difficult to deal with. Further, they meant that there weren't any certain bets. If I lucked-out on power-ups and my rivals happened to be crippled by circumstances, I would have a chance. That's quite an if, but it's more than I could ask for since I'd totally lose in a match of pure skill right now. Finally, I had Leonard, and I couldn't ask for a better second. Apart from his habit of explaining disasters after the fact, anyway. Perhaps he wants me to learn by doing.

"_This track is fairly noob-friendly, with few traps, but it's longer than some. Stay in the river but avoid the waterfall in the last leg."_

"_Understood." _I hit A a beat after the 2 appeared, exploding from the start in a comforting puff of flame. That only took me to the middle of the pack, but that was fine. I hit a boost ramp, grabbing an unclaimed power-up. The tight pack in the early game favours the power-ups of the middle and back karts far more than in the middle when they've split up. As I'd expected, I could barter my three boosts into an advantage, using the last to safely cut a corner over grass and coming into third place. I decided against taking the longer route to a jump for another power-up, sliding round the corner and boosting up another ramp. In a high place, the weak power-up wouldn't be worth the time diversion.

"_The ghost is you, right?" _Mary demanded. _"Don't get in my way!"_

I slid round the bend, keeping in the river. This was still a racing game, so of course it favours people who knew the course. But luck, reflexes and judgement can compensate to some degree, as can astutely reading the minimap. My boost brought me up to Mary and I used the chance to slam her into the grass. _"Sorry for that."_

Twenty seconds later she rammed a brown shell into my kart from behind and stole back second. More comfortingly, Honoka shot past me. But it's only the first lap. In this game, that's nothing. A blazing comeback is possible until the middle of the last.

Unfortunately, I didn't catch any breaks, falling all the way to eighth by the third lap. But my chance also game with a golden mushroom. A constant, time-limited boost that is powerful but requires judgement to use. It gave me back three places in my third race, just prior to driving me into a wall. If you can handle the pace, it's second only to the bullet. This time I waited until I hit the river stretch before exploding forwards, cutting across the grass and using slides to desperately control, almost crashing into a wall again. This time, though, I managed to slip past an infuriated Mary and into third, picking up a shell on my way down. Honoka was in second and Harry out of reach, so I shot it backwards.

"God damnit!"

I picked up another shell as we exploded into the final stretch, preparing to slide round the outside of the long bend. If I had a chance, I'd take it, but Honoka shot first, dead on- only for the shell to miss. A moment later, she hit the second of the three bananas and spun in a circle. I took the chance to overtake her. If I fired, I'd also waste my time. But my slide took me within range of Harry nonetheless… and there I could use slipstream to steal past him. Only that entailed clinging to the back of someone with a final trap.

He dropped it, and I barely skidded out of the way. No chance of slipstream.

The shell was clear. I fired, halting him instantly, and shot past him. The finish came two seconds later.

"_Damn! Snatching first from me at the last moment, that bites," _Harry complained, grimacing at me. He was serious. It's hard not to get into this, after all.

"_I just got lucky, that's all," _I replied politely. _"With all the right power-ups."_

"_Harry, you suck," _Mary complained. _"But we won anyway. See? Our team has more points overall."_

"_The hell? That's just because our computer team-mates were useless, that's all!" _Honoka insisted. _"And Chikane made her promised come-back! Next time we'll beat you down."_

"_I'm a little tired, actually," _Harry said, putting down his controller and standing up. _"So I'm going to go for a walk. Leonard can join in instead, okay?"_

"_Do you have to?" _Mary asked, glancing up at him. _"That's not fair at all."_

I stood as well. _"Can I join you? This is all a little too intense for me."_

"_I'd like that."_

"_Then me too," _Mary stood, standing. But Honoka caught her wrist.

"_I'm not finished with you," _Honoka insisted. _"This time it'll be a one-on-one!"_

"_And me," _Leonard pointed out.

"_And you."_

"_Good luck. I'll see you all later," _I said, waving and smiling. _"And thank you for showing me something very fun."_

"_See? It's good, isn't it," _Honoka said cheerfully.

I just nodded, letting Harry say good-bye as well. We left the room together, stepping out into the corridor. I sighed, exhaling and touching my cheeks. "That was tiring…"

"You did really well," Harry said. "To beat me to first in the last match was surprising. Was that really your first time on a games console?"

"More or less," I said idly. "I've played older ones once or twice on occasions, but nothing even semi-regularly. In any case, it's a game that favours that sort of development. Luck is a huge factor."

"If you say so," Harry remarked. "But it's not so easy a game that kind of progress is easy. You're a talented person."

"I don't think it's a very good measure of talent," I murmured. "In any case, you mostly won."

"That's just practise," he returned. "Just be glad you weren't playing the strongest Reynolds at games."

I blinked. "The strongest?"

Harry smiled. "Leonard blows me out of the water. He's beaten every Grand Prix with S-rank or above and has an online ranking of 8000." He shrugged when my expression went blank. "That means he plays it way too much."

I smiled slightly at that. "I see. No wonder he was such reliable support."

"I hope you enjoyed it, anyway," Harry said. "Mary and Honoka-san made it so competitive, I was worried you wouldn't enjoy the atmosphere."

"It was fine. I enjoyed it. I'd say there didn't seem to be much any of us could do to stop them, but…" I shrugged and smiled again. "I'm also a competitive person. I can relish an atmosphere like that. Provided I win, of course."

Harry laughed. "I see. I'm almost the same. I said I'd hold back, but when the race started and Mary and Honoka-san were so serious I went all out. I guess these things are easier said than done."

"You're still so-so," I said. "I would never have made such a silly promise to begin with." I blinked, frowning. "Besides which, is this really okay? Wouldn't English be easier for you?"

"I'm fine with this, since I can learn this way," Harry assured me. "Besides which, we've been forcing you to speak English all evening, since Mary and Leonard don't know it. This is my chance to compensate for that, maybe just a little."

"English is a language we can all speak," I said. "It might even be clearer for us than your attempts at Japanese."

Harry winced. "Ouch. That bad, eh?"

"No, you're pretty good." I smirked, turning away. "Don't take me too seriously."

"I'll try to remember that." Harry checked his watch. "But are you okay with going out at a time like this? I wouldn't mind seeing some of Tokyo, but it's pretty late."

I closed my eyes. "The time isn't a problem. But I'm not exactly knowledgeable about the area, since I arrived in Tokyo recently myself."

"Eh? Really?"

"Yes. I'm from Kobe, and the area around it more generally," I said vaguely. "I'm just here to attend the University of Tokyo."

"I see. But you're still part of the same family? You guys get around."

"Well, compared to America, this is a small country," I pointed out. "So it's not that bad. But you're right, the Himemiya are very dispersed. Every so often, we'll have a family gathering, but in-between those times we all take care of our respective parts of the country, and our respective business interests."

"I see," Harry said intelligently. "And your family handles Kobe?"

I cocked my head, considering, and decided to say it. "This is going to sound vulgar, but my family handles the entire Kyoto-Osaka-Kobe area, Keihanshin. Of course, we have branch families and employees to assist us, and that has very little to do with me."

"So you're a really important family," Harry said, looking vaguely impressed.

I chuckled. "It's interesting to hear that from Andrew Reynolds' son."

"Ah, well," Harry said, looking vaguely embarrassed, "it just feels different. It sounds like your family is very big. The idea of branch families doesn't exist for us to begin with."

It's not something you could create in an American society. But frankly, it's not really something to envy either. I shrugged instead. "The Himemiya have the momentum of a long time behind them, and that large family. That gives us unfair advantages. From where I stand, the Reynolds family that was made from nothing in a single generation is far more amazing."

"And from where I stand, there isn't any difference now," Harry replied, looking down at his hand. "What father did was impressive but if he just passes it to me we're just another dynasty. Even if he doesn't, he's given me many things already."

I gave him a sidelong look. "Feeling guilty?"

"It's not guilt," Harry said, glancing at me. "It's just something I'm aware of. You should understand, right?"

Being an unconditional heir with full expectation of taking the crown… no, that isn't something I can ever understand from where I am today. So I can't afford to feel any guilt, not with Isato out there and grandfather above me. "If you have doubts, aim higher," I advised. "If you feel confident enough to doubt what you've been given then rise above it and achieve a second miracle. Put your family in your lifetime so high above your current standing it is as big a leap as Andrew's first… that's what I'd aspire to do in your place, anyway. What you want to do is your own decision."

"You sure have an impressive way of putting it," Harry said. "That's not something I expected to hear from a Japanese person."

"And I wouldn't expect an American to doubt unrestricted greed," I teased. "Stereotypes are dangerous. In any case, let's put that all to one side. Talking about family for so long is very inelegant of me."

"No, it was interesting. Thank you for listening to me, even if it hasn't been very inspiring."

I sighed, smiling at him. You're a good person. But you're probably not someone who can wear a crown, not as you are. Perhaps you can be my friend… maybe you're already my friend. But you won't ever be my lover or my husband, so please settle for that while you're ahead. "In any case, do you still want to go out? There's this one place I know quite well, a park near to here."

"Really?" Harry said enthusiastically. "Can we go?"

I nodded. "You're lucky. It's the only place I know, more or less. Kinuta Park, Yoga."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chains of Memory: Part 11**

As ever, thank you for all your support. My schedual over the next few days is pretty tight, but I'll do my best to keep up.

This chapter begins hours before chapter 10, chronologically. It ended up being second because Chikane Playing Mario Kart.

* * *

"But Chikane-chan's so mature," I observed, looking up at the sky. "Even though she's as young as us, she worries about her family responsibilities, and works so hard. I don't really have anything to compare to that."

"Idiot," Mako-chan said. "You look after us, don't you?"

"I suppose so," I agreed. "But makes me very curious. She's already told me about her parents, but it still interests me."

Mako-chan sighed. "Indeed. That will have to wait, though."

I smiled slightly, glancing at her. Maybe I shouldn't talk about Chikane-chan quite so much to her. She might get annoyed if I do that too much again. "Ogami-kun's late," I observed, looking around. "That's rare."

"Isn't it?" Mako-chan agreed. "I'll be sure to give him a good lecture when he finally arrives."

I giggled. "There's no need to go that far. If it's Ogami-kun, I'm sure he has a reason."

"Even so, he should try harder," Mako-chan said lightly.

I laughed. "There was no way that could be possible."

The sky was beautiful today. It put me in a good mood.

"But we're really starting university on Monday, right?" Mako-chan asked suddenly. "It's hard to imagine, isn't it? We're going to meet a lot of new people."

"That's true," I said, touching my lip. "I'd almost forgotten."

Mako-chan smirked. "I don't even know how that's possible."

"Well, I didn't forget," I said, correcting myself. "It just felt very distant, a reason why we did things. The same as it's always been, really. I'd never really appreciated how close we are to actually beginning."

"Well, I'll let you get away with that. But are you sure you haven't just been distracted?" Mako-chan teased.

"Well, a lot of things have happened."

"A lot of things? Chikane Himemiya happened, right?"

"And that meeting with Reiko-sensei," I pointed out. "That counts too, right?"

"Well, I'll let you have that," Mako-chan said. "In any case, we're going to be busy from Monday."

"Chikane-chan is starting too, right?" I sighed. "It might be a while before I can see her again. Maybe if I just called her to talk? Or would that be imposing on you?"

"Don't tie yourself up too much," Mako-chan said. "I'm sure we'll meet many more friends, so you don't have to fixate on just her right now."

"I know," I said softly. But it's hard to imagine someone as interesting as friendly as Chikane-chan, even if she says that.

"And boys too. How about it? Are you going to look for a boyfriend?"

"Hmm." I looked for shapes in the clouds. "I don't know. I'm waiting for someone, but there's no guarantee of what I'm looking for… right now, I want to concentrate on getting to know Chikane-chan."

Mako-chan sighed. "I knew you'd come up with a sweet and hopeless answer like that."

"And Mako-chan?" I asked curiously. "Are you going to date someone?"

"Well, let's just say I'm going to keep my options open, and see if anything interesting turns up," Mako-chan said cheerfully.

There was this one cloud which was bugging me. It looked like… something. A curved shape. "Hmm." I smiled. "I can't imagine Mako-chan going out on a date, actually."

"Just because I've never done it, that doesn't mean I can't do it," Mako-chan said forcefully.

A crescent. It should have… lines. I'm sure that shape could be far prettier, far more dignified, but I suppose I can't expect much of a cloud. "I know. I'm sure you'd do fine," I said absently.

Mako-chan sighed. "Hey, Himeko, just what are you looking at anyway?"

"That cloud," I said, pointing. "Doesn't look like a crescent?"

"It looks like a boat to me," Mako-chan groused. "I know I say you always have your head in the clouds, but you don't have to be so literal about it."

"It's just interesting, that's all," I said defensively, following the shape with my eyes. I wasn't sure why, but it was fascinating. Whatever Mako-chan said, compared to the other clouds and their half-formed shapes, it felt like I could really, genuinely see this one. But from another angle, I know, it was just an ordinary cloud. They really are what you project onto them… but this one was so clear in my mind, it was real.

"I see," Mako-chan sighed, rubbing her head. "Just as long as your boat doesn't rain on us, I suppose I'll have to manage."

I smiled and nodded. It would drift out of sight in the end, anyway. But it really was a very pretty shape.

It's not as if I don't know how people see me, of course. I'm a klutzy and distractible person. But with Mako-chan, I don't have to force myself. It's okay to be like that, is what she would say. I'm also sure there are things that I can do which others can't do, and things I can see which others can't do. Not in a sense that I'm special, but in the sense that I'm a person. And from time to time I'm reflective on all this, and the few friends I keep well are the people who won't look down on me for it. Mako-chan, who won't ever fail to call me a silly girl, but won't ever scorn me for that. Ogami-kun, who is always kind and supportive, even if it's against his own inclinations. Maybe Chikane-chan, too. It feels like I could tell her about moments like this, feelings like this. It would be nice if I could ever be by her side and feel like this, when we've known each other for so long that comfort overtakes urgency. And then I'd be able to look up at the clouds while sitting her and tell her what I saw…

I grimaced and slapped myself on the cheeks again. A little dreaming is fine, but I shouldn't get too carried away. I glanced at Mako-chan, wondering if she was angry, but she was just looking away thoughtfully herself.

I wonder what Mako-chan thinks about at times like this. I'm sure she's a lot more sensible than I am, though. She always talks about practical things in front of her.

But because she was also distracted, I was the first person to spot Ogami-kun arrive. But he wasn't alone, so I wasn't really sure what to make of it. "Umm… good morning…"

"Sorry," Souma said, smiling apologetically. I wasn't sure whether he was apologising for being late or for the people who were following him.

"It's been a while," Izumi said dryly. "Unsurprisingly, you haven't changed at all."

"What the hell?" Mako-chan demanded, her head snapping round. "Where the hell did you come from?"

Izumi sniffed, folding her arms. "Is that really a proper way to address friends who went out of their way to visit you?"

"I don't remember asking for you to do that," Mako-chan observed tersely.

"It was supposed to be a pleasant surprise," Izumi said easily. "It's not my fault if you lack grace."

"Now, now," I said, raising my hands and stepping between them. "Let's all get along, okay?"

Mako-chan continued to glare across at Izumi. "Eh. Even if she says that, she's just here in the vague hope that we'll meet Himemiya again, right?"

"It's nothing of the sort," Izumi protested forcefully. "But if that's your attitude, I only wish you were right."

"You're being very rude," Misaki complained.

"The rude ones are the ones who turn up without asking," Mako-chan complained. "And you, Souma, what were you thinking about just going along with this? You should have lead them astray then made a dynamic escape through the back of a café or something."

"It's fine, isn't it?" Souma asked. "It doesn't really seem like anything unusual, so I'm not sure why you're making so much fuss about it."

"Not unusual for you, maybe," Mako-chan said. "I'm just annoyed at the principle. You could have phoned ahead, right?"

"See? He understands," Izumi said, smirking. "And you don't have a problem either, right, Kurusugawa?"

I shrugged, smiling awkwardly. "Not as such, no… I guess things will turn out fine…"

"Exactly. So the only one who is really making a fuss about this is you, Mako-chan. Even Himeko thinks you're problematic!"

"Uhm… that's not what I said, or not what I meant," I began, but no one was listening to me.

"Oh, really?" Mako-chan said, folding her arms. "Fine, then. But I hope you understand that we have a lot of work to do today. We aren't playing around. Plus Himemiya-hime is busy doing something else, so the chances of you meeting her is zero."

"Who said anything about that?" Izumi said defiantly, covering for a crestfallen look. "Besides, what kind of lame nickname is Himemiya-hime!"

"One with a better sense of irony than Isa-sama," Mako-chan noted acidly. "What are you going to call her? Chika-sama?"

"She's called Miya-sama," Izumi said forcefully. "We've thought about this very hard, and it's the only logical result. Of course, I wouldn't expect you to realise that."

"Where the hell does logic come into this twisted equation?" Mako-chan demanded. "Now you're just making stuff up."

As ever, Misaki and Kyoko stayed in pointed moral support of Izumi, while Souma and I stood off, feeling slightly bemused. This happened a lot at school. But though it feels like betraying Mako-chan… Miya-sama has a nice ring to it. It feels like a proper nickname.

It ended, as it usually does, with Mako-chan throwing up her hands in despair. "Fine! Whatever. I don't really care. If you want to come along, I'm not going to stop you. But we aren't doing interesting. First is buying stationary. Stationary, okay?"

"I know," Izumi said patiently. "I wouldn't disappoint myself by expecting too much anyway."

"Well, thanks for that," Mako-chan said, turning and starting to walk.

"Besides, we need to buy some of that too," Izumi sniffed, following. "It can't be helped. And all of us catching up is worthwhile."

"There isn't really anything to say," Mako-chan said. "For my part, anyway. Himeko met Reiko or whatever yesterday… that manga-ka she's always going on about."

"That and meeting Miya-sama?" Izumi said, glaring at me. "You have a habit of meeting outstanding people, don't you?"

I blushed. "Not really… it's just a coincidence."

"No, this is about the only time when I'd ever agree with Izumi. You make the improbable probable." Mako-chan smirked. "But that doesn't mean you'll meet interesting people just by hanging around Himeko, you know."

"I think that means the two of us aren't interesting at all," Souma said dryly. "Isn't that going a bit too far?"

"I'm just lucky, okay?" I said, pouting. "This conversation is silly to begin with. Besides, Reiko-sensei was holding a proper event, so it's not like I just met her in the street…"

"A proper event you came out of your way to stumble across, even if you didn't know it was on," Mako-chan teased. "Though I'll admit that wasn't the coincidence you wanted. I'm sure you were hoping to meet Himemiya again."

"That's not true at all."

"I forgot to mention that, though," Mako-chan said cheerfully. "Apart from Himeko here, I also got to meet Chikane Himemiya. And we know where she lives, too. You three are a couple of days out."

Izumi sniffed. "It's hard to imagine that. Are you sure you didn't just annoy Miya-sama?"

I scratched my cheek, looking ahead thoughtfully. In a small way, Izumi-chan is amazing. I didn't think anyone would be able to get so worked up about someone they've never met. But I guess that's what celebrities are… not that Chikane-chan has ever been on TV or anything…

"She'd be even more annoyed by you!" Mako-chan snapped. "She can't stand fangirls!"

"Ah, so you did annoy her…"

Chikane-chan would make a good actress. But I guess she's not interested in things like that. It doesn't suit her family, maybe.

"I'm sure Himemiya would be amicable," Souma said, raising his hands. "Isato was always lonely, so he was fine with anyone talking to him."

"Isa-sama was never lonely!" Izumi said boldly. "The Isato-sama Fanclub made sure of that."

"I'm pretty sure you guys were part of the problem, not the solution," Souma noted, folding his arms. "Either way, he wouldn't get annoyed."

"In any case, Isa-sama's gone far away from us, so we have to move on," Izumi said cheerfully, running forwards and grabbing me by the arm. "How about it, Himeko-chan? Have you had any more interesting meetings with Miya-sama?"

I smiled weakly. What's with this sudden familiarity? "Just on Wednesday, like Mako-chan said…"

"Wednesday? What was that like? Tell us all about it," Izumi said breathlessly.

"Hey, I can tell you about that one just fine," Mako-chan said irritably. "Stop bothering Himeko already."

"It's no fun if you tell it," Izumi said, shooting her a dark glance. "You don't get these things at all."

"I see," Mako-chan said. "And Himeko does, all of a sudden?"

"Himeko totally gets it," Izumi said, smiling cheerfully at me. "She's like our spiritual sister. She definitely understands that Miya-sama is someone to be treated in a special way."

I smiled weakly. "Ah… I think Chikane-chan prefers it if she gets treated in a normal way…"

Souma nodded in agreement.

"She doesn't really know her place very well, though," Izumi sniffed, letting go of my arm. "It's Miya-sama! Miya-sama!"

"Maybe I should call her Chikane-chan," Mako-chan said mischievously. "It's not like I can't, since unlike certain people, I've met her in person."

"In any case, we went shopping together," I said hastily, hoping I could derail the argument if I told the story. "Since that's what we both needed to do. She ended up helping us buy our books, and she was shopping for presents herself."

"Ah, I see," Izumi said, returning her attention to me again. "Who was she buying presents for?"

"Her parents, and some of her other relatives, I think," I said.

"See? Chikane-chan is a good girl," Mako-chan teased. "I bet she goes to bed early every night too."

"So she brought a history book for her father, since apparently he's interested in things like that," I continued hurriedly. "And a fan for her mother, after spending some time picking one out. It was very pretty."

"Ah. Just as you'd expect of a sophisticated family," Izumi said, nodding. "What else? Did you eat together?"

"She disappeared because she had something else to do," Mako-chan said. "Honestly, it's like she's always doing something. She cancelled on Himeko for this evening, you know, it's annoying."

"It's not her fault, Mako-chan," I said, waving my hands. "I don't mind at all. Chikane-chan has to work hard because of her family, so things like this are going to happen."

"Hmm. Is that what she said?" Izumi asked curiously.

I sighed and nodded. "Since her family asked, she has to take care of something important. I'm fine with that."

"Hmm." Izumi glanced at me. "By the way, do you know if she has a boyfriend?"

I flushed slightly, wondering why. "I don't know. I've never asked. She's never mentioned anyone like that, though."

"I bet she has one," Izumi said. "He's probably rich, intelligent and sporty, a really amazing person…" She trailed off, then looked back over her shoulder. "It isn't you, is it, Ogami?"

"There's no way that could be true," Souma said, folding his arms. "Are you stupid?"

"Well, you should think about it," Izumi said decisively. "If you're not going to be love-love with Isa-sama, this would also work really well."

"Hey, don't say stuff like that!" Souma snapped. "I've told you a thousand times, it creeps me the hell out."

Mako-chan smirked. "This is the second time I'll agree with Izumi… about Chikane, not Isato, before you bite my head off."

I sighed, looking up at the sky again. Isato-Souma… I'm not being serious, but Izumi-chan at least has a good sense for things like that. Just like 'Miya-sama'. I'm not so sure about him and Chikane, though. Maybe I'm just being selfish, since Souma's so much more interesting than I am…

"If she's anything like her cousin, she'll be concentrating on her family first," Souma said. "I'm not saying that's a bad thing, they're both fine as they are. But I wouldn't like to date someone like that."

"It's not that bad," I said, feeling an odd need to defend Chikane-chan. "You'd just have to be patient and considerate, but that's normal anyway."

"Well, yes, but it's just something to bear in mind," Souma replied. "For you too, right? You've already run into the fact that for a Himemiya, her family comes before you."

"It's not about being a Himemiya," I said stubbornly. "Since that's what Chikane-chan wants, I'll respect it. If you were her boyfriend, you'd do the same thing."

"We still don't know if she has a boyfriend, though," Izumi said, sighing. "You should ask about things like that! You too, Mako-chan."

"Maybe you'd ask directly," Mako-chan said, snorting. "Some of us have more consideration."

I nodded. "It would be rude to just ask. I'm sure she'd talk about it if she wanted to do so."

"Yes, yes, good for her," Izumi said. "But asking is normal, and aren't you curious? I'm sure you want to know."

"I'm not bothered," Mako-chan said airily. "I'll leave that to Souma."

I just smiled weakly, looking ahead again. It's not as if I'm not interested… I can't imagine asking her, though…

"Well, I'm definitely interested," Izumi said shamelessly. "I have to know. Besides, what if she's seeing him tonight? The family thing might just be an excuse, since she has to be graceful."

"I'd agree, but if it's the Himemiya I met, the family thing is probably true," Mako-chan said dryly. "Souma isn't wrong."

"Meeting a boy might count for that, too," Izumi said. "It would be a miai or something. Ah, so romantic…"

"How old do you think she is?" Mako-chan asked. "Besides, she's studying Economics at the University of Tokyo. Somehow she doesn't seem like the type they'd marry off and forget."

"It might be something arranged since childhood, or something," Izumi said defensively. "It's not as unlikely as you'd think."

"Something like that would be arranged well in advance, so we wouldn't have this problem in the first place," Mako-chan said easily. "Sometimes the truth really is that simple."

Izumi sniffed. "If you insist. It's still a strange excuse, though. She could be using it to cover up for all sorts of interesting things…"

"There's no way that could be true, though," I said. "Chikane-chan is an honest person."

"But she's also polite, right?"

I nodded. "Of course."

Mako-chan folded her arms behind her head. "I'm not agreeing with Izumi, but just remember you can be polite or honest but not both." She stopped. "In any case, let's try this shop first, okay?"

We all went in together, and I followed slowly. I know what Mako-chan meant, of course. But Chikane-chan really wasn't that kind of person. At least, not about stuff like this.

We ended up doing a lot of things, not all of which were particularly useful. We were very good until lunch, but we stayed longer than we'd expected there and after that we lost our focus a bit, since Izumi-chan was so keen to go clothes shopping and Souma decided that if Chikane-chan had been doing it, maybe he should look for a present for his brother, and things like that. And then we went bowling. In our defence, that was Mako-chan's idea, since even she had given up by that point. Naturally, Souma and her did the best, with pretty incredible scores each. Souma ended up settling it in the final round, though. And I did… less well. But I managed to beat Izumi, who was surprisingly bad. Even her friends beat her, which left her very irritable. So when she suggested we go to an arcade, we agreed to keep her happy, and unexpectedly she was very, very good at games. This time I shared last place with Misaki and Kyoko, and mostly watched the others. Those two are a little surprising, actually. They seem kinda shy, just like me. I think they're glad that they have the loud and exuberant Izumi to watch… though sometimes I wonder if they should do more to calm her down. But maybe I should do the same thing about Mako-chan, so I suppose I can't talk at all.

And now, somehow, we're all crowded into our little flat, while I desperately try to make our food stretch to dinner for twice as many people as I'd expected. I sighed. I'm okay cooking for Mako-chan and Souma, but if it's Izumi, I have no confidence at all. If I cooked her something bad, she'd tell me it was bad, and probably wouldn't even touch it. I know that shouldn't bother me, I mean, I should never be comfortable with feeding people bad food. But it's still really, really scary.

"Are you okay?" Souma asked, glancing at me with concern.

I looked up at him and nodded. "I'm fine. Just a little tired, that's all."

"That's good. It has been a long day." Souma took out the dishes, falling silent for a moment. We could hear Mako-chan and Izumi arguing again in the background. "And interesting, right?"

I nodded weakly. "It's been… interesting."

Souma smiled, glancing back at the table. "I won't say this too loudly, but I think those two like each other. Saotome and Asai."

I nodded again, smiling back. "I know what you mean. As far as I can see, they're more similar than they'd like to admit… just as long as Izumi isn't actually around one of her idols, anyway."

"I don't know. I think they're similar in that way, too. They both treated me really well right up until they got to know what I'm actually like." Souma laughed. "There must be something wrong with my personality."

"That's their fault, rather than yours," I said lightly. "But I think Mako-chan learned from her experience with you. Izumi… not so much."

"I wonder about that," Souma said thoughtfully. "Saotome always talks about the Himemiya in any way but a normal one. But then again, unlike me, she's actually met Chikane Himemiya. Perhaps she's right about her, for all I know."

"I don't think it's a matter of right or wrong," I said lightly, finishing my preparations. Now I just had to wait. "Chikane-chan is a Himemiya, and that matters, and she acts in that way… but she's also just Chikane-chan, and that's what I prefer. Maybe you need to listen to both of us to get the full story."

"Hey, hurry up about the food!" Izumi said loudly. "We're getting hungry over here!"

"Freeloaders don't get to say that," Mako-chan snapped back. "Shall I teach you the manners of a guest by making you wash all our dishes for us?"

Souma shrugged, ignoring them. "I don't really know myself, of course. But the more Isato I knew, the less he was a Himemiya… it's not like that isn't important to him, but he is his own person. I imagine his cousin is similar, so I still think you're more right about her."

"I wonder," I said lightly. How well do I know Chikane-chan, really? Even though I think about her a lot and it feels like I know so much, I'm probably just being arrogant. She isn't a person you can know so easily… not because of her status. There are just things she doesn't say, I'm sure of it. But at least I know her well enough to say that I know those things exist.

"Oh, yeah. I'm going to be calling home soon," Souma remarked. "Shall I say you said hi?"

I nodded. "I hope sensei is doing well."

"Nee-san will be fine," Souma said dismissively. "He always is fine. It's just a courtesy, really, since I don't think he's worried about me."

"I'm sure he's worried," I said. "But it wouldn't be like him to show it, right?"

"I guess so." Souma frowned. "And I wonder how Yuhikito is doing…"

I smiled. I think it might be Souma who is the one who worries in his family.

I served the food with Souma's help before I finally got to sit down. "Sorry it's just ramen," I said. "There's a lot of people, so I had to do something simple."

"This is fine," Izumi said. "Itadakimasu."

I watched nervously while everyone dug in. Honestly, this kind of suspense totally changes the feel of the start of a meal.

"Hey, this is delicious," Izumi observed. "That's pretty surprising."

I smiled weakly. "Thank you…" Surprising?

"Honestly, that's the food Himeko has made for you with hard work and earnestness," Mako-chan said. "You should be way more graceful. I mean, it's not like you can fix anything for yourself."

"Well, can you?" Izumi retorted. "I think I'm better, since I don't rely on her cooking all the time like you do."

"Though normally you just rely on our cooking instead, and we're not very good," Misaki noted calmly. I think she's feeling a little less shy right now…

"Shut up. That's different, completely different," Izumi said firmly.

"Oh? In what way?" Mako-chan asked, mock curious.

"That is… I'm not the one asking for an apology," Izumi said. "Since you eat this every day without working for it I don't see why you're being any more graceful. I even said it was delicious."

"I never said anything about an apology," Mako-chan retorted calmly. "I don't expect that from you to begin with. Besides, I know Himeko is fine with cooking for me."

"I'm sure she's fine with cooking for me, too," Izumi said, glancing at me. "Right, Kurusugawa?"

I nodded. "I'm fine with cooking for everyone… so there's no need to make a fuss. Let's just eat in peace, okay?"

Izumi smirked, returning to her food peacefully.

"It's true she's being way too impolite about you, though," Mako-chan said. "You should stick up for yourself more."

"Well, it's true she's being a little rude," I said cautiously. Izumi glared at me, but I ignored her. "I didn't ask Mako-chan to defend me, though…"

Mako-chan sighed. "Yes, yes. Let's just leave it at that. It's been a long day."

"That's true," Izumi said. "But we really didn't get to see Miya-sama. It's just too bad."

"So that was your objective all along," Mako-chan said, glaring at her.

"I never said anything about that. I just said it was a shame."

"It can't be helped," Souma said. "We still had fun."

"And did less work than we should have done," Mako-chan, shooting another dark look at Izumi.

"I don't know why you wanted to work today in the first place," Izumi said. "You aren't slacking off properly. But I do know that it was you who wanted to go bowling."

"That was a break," Mako-chan said vigorously. "A break. You were the one who suggested we go to the arcade afterwards."

"I wonder where you two get the energy," Souma said. "I'm way too tired to try and keep up, myself."

"It's normal, isn't it?" Izumi said firmly.

"She's annoying me," Mako-chan said.

I smiled weakly. I'm… glad they're having fun, I guess.

We ended up finishing the food pretty late. I yawned slightly. It really had been a long day…

"Hey, when are you guys clearing off, anyway?" Mako-chan asked bluntly.

"There's still plenty of time," Izumi said dismissively. "It's not even that late. You know, it's rude to force guests to leave-" She was cut off by the sound of Kyoko yawning. "In any case, you should at least see us back to the station," she finished. "That's basic manners."

"Not me. I have to go jog now, or I won't be able to go safely at all," Mako-chan replied, standing and stretching.

"I'll accompany you," Souma suggested. "I wouldn't mind stretching my legs."

"You stay with Himeko," Mako-chan said firmly. "I need you to keep an eye on things."

"I see."

"Then I guess we'll accompany you three," I said politely. "Back to the station is fine, right?"

"See. That's proper manners," Izumi said approvingly. "I'll gracefully accept."

"Knock yourself out," Mako-chan said, standing and brushing herself off. "Just bear in mind that next time we'll be crashing your place and making unreasonable demands, so there."

Izumi sniffed, standing up. "If you insist."

"Well, let's go," I said, trying to drag Izumi towards the door before she could have another stand-off with Mako-chan. "If we go now and cut through the park, we should be able to make the next train."

"Okay, okay." We all put our shoes on.

Mako-chan left first, waving. "Well, see you guys later."

I smiled and waved back. "Come back safely."

"Later," Izumi said, nodding briefly. "Now, let's go, everyone."

And so we… went.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chains of Memory: Part 12**

Thanks for everyone who noted the nii/nee mistake. That's what you get for speedwriting while tired... in any case, this chapter vaguely caps the first arc of the story. Hopefully I can finish the second one before university begins.

* * *

"And we did persuade him to do another backflip in our last lesson," Harry narrated. "He was far from perfect as a teacher, but it's easier to forgive someone who does backflips."

I smiled. "I see. You had… very interesting teachers, to be sure."

"Right. And there was Mr Stevens," Harry continued, before breaking. "But I'm only talking about myself again. I'm sorry about that."

"Don't mind it." I looked around the park thoughtfully. "I don't have much to add anyway. I'm afraid all my teachers were very boring."

"Really? You must have some interesting stories of high school, though."

"Not really. I had a fairly peaceful school life," I remarked casually. "Things tended to happen to other people, not me."

"I see. I guess you wouldn't be involved in inappropriate things." Harry frowned. "Or are Japanese schools stricter? As you can tell, our behaviour was never very reliable, and we could get away with that. No, my school was stricter than most."

"Hmm. I think we're mostly normal," I said. "I don't really know, myself, but I did have to deal with a fair few miscreants as student council president."

Harry blinked. "Miscreant?"

I glanced at him. "What? Oh… someone misbehaving, an improper person… I suppose it is a slightly obscure word."

"I see. I think I know what you mean. It does sound like you, to put it that way."

"You sure have a fixed idea of what I'm like," I teased.

"I'm just guessing," Harry said. "So don't be offended if I'm wrong. But you could probably call this intuition."

"Well, I'm not saying you're wrong." I looked up at the sky thoughtfully. "No, there was one interesting thing that happened to me when I was a student."

"Oh?"

"From my archery club, my kouhai… how would you say it? _Underclassman_?" I closed my eyes. "That person confessed to me. It was troublesome for me, since I get that a lot, but this person was serious. They knew me better than most of my admirers, perhaps less than they'd like… and I knew that. But I never thought they'd actually say it."

"I see. What did you say?" Harry asked.

"I rejected them, of course," I said absently. "But what stands out amidst a few other occasions is their seriousness, their sincerity, which was something even I had to acknowledge…"

"Yeah. That's always awkward." Harry glanced at me. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No. I've never gone out with anyone. I've never really even considered it, even."

"I see." Harry sighed. "Maybe that's sensible. I've had a few girlfriends, but nothing seems to work out in the end."

"That's surprising. I'd never imagine someone like you having girl trouble."

"I get by. It's just that the more you get to know a person the more you notice differences you couldn't see at first. And the only thing worse than that is someone who isn't interested in getting to know you at all." Harry chuckled. "And again, I'm talking about myself. But I guess it's okay."

"It's interesting. Just as long as you bear in mind I'm not going to have any useful advice to give you."

"I know. It's not something that worries me that much anyway."

I glanced cautiously back at him. "Do you think that's important, though? Being similar to the other person?"

"It helps… but everything only just helps. It probably isn't necessary." Harry shrugged. "Hey, don't think I have any useful advice to give you."

I smiled at that. "No, I suppose not." However I think about Himeko, we're more different than we are similar. But this and that are different to begin with.

Harry sighed again. "I don't know. Maybe you have the right idea, after all."

"Ah." I stopped short, looking at that bench. I wasn't sure whether it was a coincidence that brought me here, or whether this was one of my intentions to begin with. But he was there, smoking absently. His green hair fell messily down his back.

Harry followed my gaze. "Handsome guy. Do you know him?"

"No. Just a chance meeting," I said shortly. I considered turning and walking back the way I had come, or going around, but in an obscure way that would be losing to him. I decided against it, and walked straight ahead.

Harry followed me. "Odd clothes."

I didn't say anything, tensing silently. I'm feeling the same thing I felt when I first met him. This man is dangerous.

His head turned as he spotted me, a smirk playing around his lips. No, with that expression, I could believe it if he'd known I was there all along, and he'd just been playing me. A moment later he stood and walked towards us. "This is rare. I can't see Himeko Kurusugawa… is it really okay for you to be playing around like this?"

I stopped, glaring up at him. "How do you know her name? If you've been going anywhere near her, I'll call the police myself."

"That's more like it." He dropped his cigarette and stepped on it, stubbing it out. His red eyes glared imperiously down at me. "I know her from before. I don't know if she remembers me, though… it was a while ago."

"If you're from her past, stay there. You aren't to go near her." This is the same as before… this overwhelming feeling of hostility. I despise this man. No, not exactly. If I respected him enough to hate him, I wouldn't talk this way. This is utter contempt that makes me fearless, marred by a kind of frustration. I should crush him. I want to crush him. And that brings me round to hate again, since I know that would be-

This is totally alien for me. I don't know why I feel this way. Perhaps this is my own intuition.

"Or you'll call the police?" the man said icily. "You aren't there, not yet. You should have a stronger and a colder answer than that."

I opened my mouth to reply, but Harry stepped in front of me. "You're bothering her," he said coldly. "Go away."

An irrational anger hit me as those red eyes were snatched from my sight. You're-

He grabbed Harry by the shirt, hoisting him up bodily. "I don't have any reason to play with you!" he snapped, throwing Harry aside. His face was twisted maniacally, a rictus scowl of anger.

"Stay down," I said coldly, locking gazes with this man again. If it came to a fight, this would be truly dangerous. And the true feeling I have now is that Harry has nothing to do with this. He is my opponent… so his opponent is I.

Harry scrambled up anyway, breath coming fast.

The man gave him a distasteful look before returning his gaze to me. "I'm getting tired of waiting. The name is Tsubasa. Remember it, and everything else, so we can settle this."

"I don't have anything to settle or anything to say to someone like you," I replied flatly. "So I don't need your name."

The man turned his back to me without acknowledging that, his voice calm again. "Feel free to use my bench. It will be a fine stage for the interlude."

I watched him go, my heart trembling. Not with fear. There's a frustration to it, but also a scorn.

_He always ends things by turning his back. But in a way, he is always and only running. He has his own regrets. And his own intentions._

Those words came to me smoothly and they rang with truth. I could thing of nothing else but to turn over them in my head, inspecting them from every angle.

Someone touched my shoulder. I turned my head to glare, blinking as Harry visibly stiffened at the sight. "Are you… okay…"

I snapped back to reality, and forced a smile. "I'm fine. He is a rather agitating man."

"He's strong," Harry said, massaging his throat. He coughed. "I do karate, and I don't consider myself weak, but…"

"He's strong," I said automatically, feeling myself teetering between one world and another. This hazy, dreamlike texture… I need to shake it now. I shook my head violently. "I'm sorry. Let's sit down. I think we both need to rest."

Harry nodded, following me back to the bench and sitting down. He breathed deeply, and when I turned my head to look at him beads of sweat had formed on his forehead. "Sorry. I tried to help, but I think I only made things worse." He laughed weakly. "So much for being cool, right?"

He was scared. Yes, I need to see what's in front of me, rather than exploring the mess in my head. "Thank you," I said, smiling a little more sincerely.

"I don't think I did anything to deserve that," Harry said tiredly.

"It's hard not to see that Tsubasa's dangerous," I pointed out. "In the face of that, even so, you tried to stand up for me. Rather, I should apologise…" I broke of. No, before I apologise, I should work out what came over me.

"It's not your fault. I'm amazed you could talk back to him like that." Harry smiled wanly. His breathing was slowing. "Your courage is insane. What's more impressive is that it worked."

"I'm more surprised by that than anyone else," I said dryly. Before with Himeko, and again today… this intense feeling of antagonism. The opposite of love at first sight? Can you hate someone just on a whim, and keep hating them so much you enjoy confronting them? It's far too reckless an impulse to forgive in myself.

"What are we going to do?"

I blinked. Later. Think later. Focus now. "Calling the police is meaningless just with this, when we have only suppositions and a moment's violence. If it develops I'll deal with things appropriately, but hopefully I shouldn't ever meet him again to begin with."

"I see. It's not very satisfying, but I guess that will have to do." Harry glanced at me. "Do you know him? He spoke that way. Who is Himeko? And what did he mean about remembering?"

I closed my eyes briefly, gathering myself. "I don't… know him. We met once before, and that time was with Himeko. Himeko is a friend of mine, and he spoke in a similar way. I'm not afraid for myself, but if it's her, then I want to protect her." I looked darkly at the sky. "As if saying something would help with that. I'm not sure what came over me."

"I see," Harry said, looking at me thoughtfully. "And the memory thing? Was he just looking for a fight?"

"I don't know anything about that," I said weakly. "At least, I don't remember anything about it. Lately, I've had a few encounters of knowing someone without knowing them… but it's hard to imagine I could know him as a small child. Perhaps he means Himeko. I'm not sure."

"Well, maybe he's just mad," Harry said. "I don't think we can discount that, either, but he sure has a way of speaking."

"Ah. He declaims," I said, icily stressing the last word. "It's not something you expect to hear from a thug."

"Right. And those red eyes creep me out." Harry leaned back, looking at the sky. "It really isn't very funny."

"True." I touched the bench thoughtfully. A fine stage for the interlude. No, in a way, we're doing what he wanted. But I don't understand his words. Was that a threat? I don't think so.

"In any case, this is a nice park," Harry said, sounding like he was consciously striking out for normality. "It's a shame people like him mess it up, but it's hard to believe we're in a capital city here."

"It's good, isn't it?" I said absently. "Himeko took me here." I pulled out my necklace, staring thoughtfully at the shell. Himeko… in a way, she also made me feel like this. But in a different way. If you were to compare the two, it's heaven and hell.

"It is good. I'm glad you could then show it to me."

My hand closed around the shell, then let it fall. I turned to look at him and nodded. "Thank you for that, even if things have turned out this way."

Himeko or Tsubasa… I shouldn't be thinking about either of them right now. I have to look to earth.

* * *

"So you're still looking?" Izumi asked, glancing at Souma.

"I'm still looking," Souma said. "Since I'm going to want to practice an awful lot, it's definitely worth me looking around and finding a good place that matches my style. Better to do that now than when the term starts… not that I have much time left."

"I see, I see," Izumi said, laughing. "That's pretty cool. It doesn't really go with your degree, though. A kung-fu lawyer?"

"Sounds like a bad action flick," Kyoko remarked.

"Well, if I'm honest, I'm more interested in martial arts than law," Souma said. "But, _you can't eat just from martial arts_ is what Nii-san said… I don't know whether I'll actually go into law, but just getting a degree in it should help a lot."

"I don't know why you're so worried," Izumi said. "If it's you, you can probably do just about anything."

"I wonder about that…"

"That's it! You should marry Miya-sama." Izumi glanced at him. "Then you'll never have to work again, and live in luxury. What do you think? Brilliant, right?"

"That's probably impossible," Souma said. "Besides, I have my pride."

"Stuff pride!" Izumi said energetically. "I know I'm going to take any chance I get to lead a work-free life."

I followed them all from a step behind, smiling weakly. In a way, Izumi-san's shamelessness is really amazing. It's hard to argue with someone who says something like that up front.

"That'd probably bore me to death, though," Souma said. "If it's me, I have to be doing something. I wasn't raised to be a useless burden."

"Say such cheerful things after you've started work," Izumi said. "We worked in a café over the holidays to make some money, and it wasn't funny at all. That's why I'd like to never work again, if at all possible."

I hope Chikane-chan doesn't get too many people like that, though. I mean, I'm sure she could deal with them. It's hard to imagine fooling her for very long. But it would probably become very tiring and upsetting after a while. And when I think that people could see me that way… could she suspect me of that? I just want to be her friend. It's less funny than it sounds when I think that it could mess things up for normal people like me too. In fact, it makes me a little angry.

"Were things so simple," Souma said. "Why are you studying for a degree, then? Shouldn't you be looking around for a husband?"

"It keeps me safe for now," Izumi said. "And even I have my pride, as you'd say."

"Ah," Souma said. He stopped abruptly.

I looked up and saw him, walking up the path with his hands in his pockets. I hurriedly looked down, stepping close to Souma and hoping he wouldn't see me.

"What's wrong?" Izumi asked impatiently.

"No. Nothing." Souma said uncertainly.

We passed him.

"She's waiting for you."

I blinked, turning to look at him despite myself. He'd spoken no louder than a whisper, so no one else but me had heard. But he'd stopped, without turning around. His voice was smug, and I could already imagine his smirk.

"Trapped in the chains of your fate, run, run, twist around in unsightly ways," he said, his voice low and piercing. "Your glass fantasies will break and leave you nothing but blood and tears. And then, let this world which despises you consume you once again."

I am… scared. This person terrifies me.

"So," he finished, throwing his head up to gaze at the sky, "you die cursing the heavens, and fall again. You have nothing else."

Why? Why do these nonsense words twist my heart? Why do I want to cry? Why does this move me? I don't understand at all, none of this makes sense. With this dream-like atmosphere, I can't know if I'm asleep or if I'm awake. I don't know why his words feel more real than my breath and my heartbeat, or why I can't even remember if he was the one who spoke them to begin with.

And why he seems so sad that my heart, his heart, the dream might break and shatter silently.

Someone touched my shoulder. "Who are you? What do you want with Kurusugawa?"

I blinked, coming to myself again. I breathed heavily, glancing gratefully at Souma.

"It's been a while, Souma." He half-turned, glancing at Souma with one crimson eye. "As always the unbecoming hero, I see."

"Who's this freak?" Izumi asked, stopping next to us and looking forwards curiously.

"I'd like to know that myself," Souma said darkly, his grip on my shoulder tightening uncomfortably. His other fist was balled.

I don't know why, but I can feel the tension between the two of them. The connection between the two of them. And me… I'm involved, too. I don't understand at all.

"I guess it's time," the man said, glaring at Souma. "I'm going to gather the rest, so hurry up and remember. I'll come for you again, and this time we will tell a different story."

"I don't know what you're saying, but if you go near me or any of my friends, I'll make you regret it," Souma said clearly. "Especially Himeko. I won't let you touch her."

"She said the same thing, Chikane Himemiya. A failed knight once over shouldn't be so optimistic twice." He turned and walked away. "I'll come for you again."

"What's with the stalker attitude? And the costume? Are you trying to cosplay or something?" Izumi shouted at his retreating back.

No, that's wrong. This person is… different…

"I don't understand," Souma said softly.

"Eh? Do either of you know him, or what?" Izumi asked impatiently. "Or is he just some random nutjob?"

_She's waiting for you._

That rang out in my head, and I felt a desperate- something. I wanted to move, I had to move, I couldn't simply stay here with all these alien thoughts and feelings bearing down on me. They'd crush me under their weight. I had to get out of here.

I turned and ran forwards. I don't know whether I was running from that man or towards Chikane-chan, or whether that was just for its own sake. The others turned and exclaimed, calling out, but I didn't acknowledge them. I ran and they chased me, and as I ran I pushed it all out of my mind. That man's words, his face. Souma. Chikane. The detachment that was growing on me again, so much so I could barely see the ground in front of me. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know anything. I just had to go.

Souma caught me, of course, reaching out and grabbing my wrist. That brought me to a stop, but by then I could see again. I could see her. The sea of long, rich hair, pale seashell skin, coral lips, her deep, knowing, teasing, rousing eyes, her dignified, sincere smile… I don't know how much I saw with my eyes and how much I saw inside my own head, but it all had a cutting clarity.

And I also saw the person she was talking to. It felt like my life wasn't making very much sense right now to begin with but now it made a little less sense, and I was feeling a little more melancholy.

"That is… Chikane Himemiya?" Souma asked quietly.

I nodded dumbly.

"I see. She has Isato's hair."

Izumi came to halt behind us, panting for breath. "What the hell are you doing, running off like that? You're being worrying."

He's quite handsome. I suppose that's fine. I don't even know what kind of relationship they have. Not that it would matter even if he was her boyfriend.

Izumi followed my gaze, eyes widening. "Could that be… Miya-sama?"

"Apparently," Souma said briefly.

"And guess what?" Izumi said gleefully. "I was right, I was right, I was right! My instincts are the best, after all. Right, Himeko?"

But even if it doesn't matter, even if it's politeness, I would prefer Chikane-chan to be truthful and rude. Is that what Mako-chan was saying? When I see something like this, it's hard not to feel let down. The naïve and cheerful me who wanted to support her, all because of the word family, it's only natural, perhaps, that this feels like a betrayal. I don't know if that's fair or not, but it's my emotions that are twisted like this, and it's not something I can enjoy or ignore.

"Hey, Himeko?" Izumi prompted. "It's fine, isn't it? You're not upset, right?"

And my feelings before now, of wanting to run to her, to confide in her, are gone. Now I just feel purposelessly, meaninglessly overwhelmed.

"What are we going to do, Himeko?" Souma asked flatly. "Shall we talk to her?"

Run. Run. Twist around in unsightly ways…

"Himeko?"

I forced a smile. "No. I wouldn't want to get in her way, so… let's go back. I mean, forwards."

"Is that really okay?" Souma asked dubiously. "We can wait here if you like."

"It's fine," I said, taking a step forwards. Yes, this is for the best. I don't want to get in her way.

"The hell it's fine," Izumi said theatrically. "Do you really thing we're going to pass up an opportunity like this? Come on, Himeko, introduce us to her."

"Leave it, Asai," Souma said shortly.

"It's fine, it's fine," Izumi said, taking my arm and shooting him a glance. "Just saying hello is fine, right?"

"I don't think that's a good idea," I began, but I was already being dragged towards them. I should be able to say something, or pull away, but somehow I can't. I'm beginning to hate that part of me.

"Hihi!" Izumi said loudly, waving at them. The others followed us.

Chikane looked up, eyes widening in surprise. "Himeko."

"Good evening, Chikane-chan," I said, feeling thoroughly miserable.

She hurriedly stood and nodded, smiling warmly at me. "This is a pleasant surprise. It seems coincidences bring us together regardless of the circumstances."

She actually sounds happy. I'm not sure, but that feels a little annoying. "Yes. These are my friends. Souma Ogami, Izumi Asai, Misaki Mine, Kyoko Minami."

"Pleased to meet you," Souma said diffidently. "I was a friend of Isato, if he ever mentioned me."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Miya-sama," Izumi said, bowing deeply. The other two followed suit, mumbling their greetings.

"Pleased to meet you," Chikane-chan said, bowing her head. "This is Harry Reynolds. He's here from America."

"Pleased to meet you," the boy said awkwardly, bowing his head a little. "My Japanese is a little shaky, so I'm sorry if I mess up."

Reynolds… I'd heard that before. I blinked, trying to concentrate.

"You have an American boyfriend?" Izumi asked brightly. "That's very sophisticated."

Chikane-chan didn't so much as blink. "Ah, no, he's not my boyfriend. We just met today. His family is staying with mine, so we've been getting to know each other."

"Really?" Izumi asked dubiously. "It seems like you two would make a good couple. Oh, well. You still have a chance, Souma."

"Don't say unnecessary things!" Souma protested irritably.

"Well, either way, don't mind me," Harry said. "I'm just glad of the chance to talk to Himemiya-san."

"Is that why you're in the park this late?" Izumi asked curiously. "I was wondering about that."

"I rather selfishly asked for a walk," Harry said. "And we ended up here, and we've had some bad luck, so it's gone less well than I could have hoped. It's still good to see the city, though."

Chikane-chan looked at me thoughtfully. "Are you okay, Himeko? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine," I lied weakly. There are to many people, too many complications. It seems like things might be less bad than I'd feared, but I still just want to lie down and sleep.

"Hmm." Chikane-chan folded her arms, ignoring Izumi's chatter. "Did you meet him just now? Tsubasa?"

I blinked. "Tsubasa?"

"The man with white clothes, green hair and red eyes."

"We met him!" Izumi said loudly, changing conversations at full throttle. "What kind of idiot is that guy anyway?"

"You mean you know who he is?" Souma asked urgently.

"I don't know," Chikane said calmly. "He told me his name was Tsubasa."

"The bastard threw me over," Harry said. "It was threatening. Did you guys get that too?"

"He didn't attack any of us," Souma said. "But he said something weird to Himeko, and to me, as well. He told me to hurry and remember."

"He also said that to Himemiya-san!" Harry said urgently.

"All that means is that the madman is internally consistent," Izumi said dubiously. "Let's not get too carried away about it."

"He also said he would get the others, and then he'd come for me," Souma said. "But he didn't make it sound like a threat. It was… strange…"

I'm really tired. I want to go home. This is all too overwhelming, and I want half an hour to try and make sense of everything.

"What did he say to you, Himeko?" Chikane asked.

I closed my eyes helplessly as everyone turned to me, but the words came to my lips before I could even think of them. "Trapped in the chains of your fate, run, run, twist around in unsightly ways. Your glass fantasies will break and leave you nothing but blood and tears. And then, let this world which despises you consume you once again. So you die cursing the heavens, and fall again. You have nothing else."

There was a pause that Izumi eventually broke. "Sounds like stalker-talk to me," she said awkwardly. "Someone should arrest the guy or whatever."

"I can't disagree with that," Souma said decisively.

"No." Chikane and I both said that together, then broke off. I looked down at the floor, feeling a little foolish, and wondering why I'd said anything at all.

"This is unpleasant," Chikane continued. "But it isn't something that can't be borne. Besides, my… intuition… also inclines to that."

I don't know whether this is what she means by that, but I feel the same way. This man, Tsubasa, it doesn't feel like that would help, or if it would be right. I don't really understand, but I think he's in some way our problem. If we bring it to other people, no good will come of it.

And the thing I don't want to think. Tsubasa hasn't really outright hurt us. Even Harry-san seems fine. But if we did something like that to escalate this… I'm not sure it would end well. It's just a feeling.

"If you insist. It sounds like you do more than I do." Souma glared at her. "I will protect Himeko, but it might be best if you found a way to look after yourself."

Chikane-chan's lips pursed. "I assure you, I can look after yourself. And for your point, can you do what you've promised to do?"

"I can do it," Souma said firmly.

"Which is all very well, but who is going to protect us?" Izumi complained. "Stop trying to look cool, Souma, be more reasonable and generous."

"You'll be fine."

"We will? What kind of half-assed answer is that?"

"You heard him. He's after me."

"The hell he is. Creepy guys like that always stalk beautiful girls."

"Be careful, Himeko," Chikane advised. "Just in case. All the same, don't let him get to you. There's no point in worrying about the things he says."

"I'm not worrying," I lied.

"I see. That's good."

"But we're going to miss our train, aren't me?" Izumi said suddenly. "Or, rather, haven't we already missed it? Ahh, this sucks! Damn bishounen stalkers!"

"It is getting late," Harry agreed. "What are we going to do now, Himemiya-san?"

"It might be best if we go home," Chikane-chan said. "Especially if Ogami-san has misjudged the situation and it was a simple threat."

"I wasn't saying that," Izumi complained.

"Are you confident about getting back, Himeko?" Chikane-chan asked. "We can always walk you back."

"Don't worry," Souma said. "I'll take care of it."

"Yes, yes!" Izumi said. "We could do with the help."

"I see," Chikane-chan said, glancing at Souma. "We'll do it that way, then."

Souma nodded. "Okay. See you later."

I blinked. I couldn't go yet. I hadn't said anything yet. I need to stop wallowing in this and at least ask… at least say something… I need to know for sure, Chikane-chan's reasons. That's the most important thing to me, right now.

"Until we meet again." Chikane-chan bowed her head.

Say something! I opened my mouth, trying to find the right words.

To my surprise, Chikane-chan straightened, stepped forwards, and hugged me lightly. My eyes widened in surprise. She was still warm. Just like the first time, this feeling.

"I will protect you," Chikane-chan whispered.

Blood. I was covered in blood. She was bleeding, dying on her feet, in my arms. My body stiffened from shock and fear, my heart hammering madly.

_I did this._

Chikane-chan abruptly pulled away, glancing at me in alarm. "Himeko?"

My eyes fell on her. No blood. No blood… I shook my head, trying to disguise my heavy breathing. "I'm fine. Thank you, Chikane-chan."

"I see." She turned away abruptly. "Later."

I watched her go, resisting the temptation to cover my eyes with my hands. Why am I so afraid? This makes no sense at all.

And in the end, I couldn't ask her anything, either.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chains of Memory: Part 13**

One exert is, of course, taken clean from the anime. In my defence, it's Tsubasa at his 'declamatory' best. And the last bit is rather sentimental and practically an omake. But, hey, it's nice to do something different every once in a while.

* * *

_What I anticipated comes, and I'm looking at myself again. This time I am alone, sitting in a dark room with the curtains shut and silence all around me. Across the other I's waist, there is another school uniform. The other I is brushing it gently, her face dark and absent. It makes my stomach lurch. Could I sink this low? I can't conceive of myself in a more sorry-looking state._

_I hesitate, but my curiosity gets the better of me. "What's wrong?"_

"_Nothing," the other I replies absently. Her hands close around the dress. "Nothing at all."_

_That's a lie, but I know to respect my own lies. I try my best to bear things by myself. I won't betray myself in my dreams. "I see."_

_She doesn't say anything more and neither do I. In the silence there is only the delicate scrape of the brush across the cloth. I stand by and wait, any sense of boredom overborne by the heavy atmosphere. And in the fullness of time, the brush falls from her fingers, and she crumples the dress to her. I don't know what she's feeling. I can only imagine it from the perspective of the impartial observer. Whatever is in me, whatever is bearing down on me, it's overwhelming… not me, her, the other I. It's heavy and silent. The other I's face crumples, her breathing is ragged, and my heart twists. I want to say something. I can't say anything. I can't understand this. So, instead I beg silently for someone to come. Otoha-san. Mother. Father._

_Himeko._

_No word is spoken, no phone rings, no one comes. We are alone. She is alone._

_Her blotchy, broken face struggles, heaves then slowly reassembles itself. This isn't catharsis. With effort and will, she… I…is pulling back from the brink, containing whatever lies within using strength of will alone. The other I is drawn taut, as taut as can be. I am afraid she will break. But, at length, it is over. She pulls back the crumpled uniform, stares at down at it with a depressed face, and reaches clumsily for the brush. And she returns to brushing it, trying to repair the damage she's done. And at length, she finishes, and puts the dress aside, and sits down again, still alone in the dark and the silence._

"_What do you want from me?" _

_I blink, opening my mouth and trying to find words. "Nothing."_

"_There's always something. Everything and everyone wants something, more pains, more sacrifices. Everything in this world." She closes her eyes. "Though I know you haven't come here to listen to my indulgent self-pity."_

"_Then I want to understand. Why are you… I…whatever you are, why are you like this?"_

"_Yes. Of course. That's logical. I don't fully understand you or your circumstances but that's certainly a question I would ask." She glances at me. "Your wishes guide you imprecisely but right now I'm tired. Tired of all of this. Do you want me to show you?"_

_I nod, bowing my head. "Please. I want to know, or need to know."_

_She smiles weakly, and raises her hand. "Here. Take it."_

_I blink, raising my hand then hesitating._

"_Don't worry. We won't explode if we touch." The other I smiles cryptically. "But you already know the dangers. Going along with all of this… is that really something you should be doing?"_

_I swallowed hesitantly. "If this is a dream, I will indulge it. If this is a kind of madness, even then, I will… go further. Perhaps in either case I'll see myself more clearly. Right now I need clarity."_

"_What if I told you that Pandora herself found her box, and what she found in there was only herself? Even so, wouldn't she despise it?"_

"_If she despised it, she should bear it," I reply, taking her hand and grasping it firmly. "What Pandora found was her truth, and the truth of the world. I've no desire to remain ignorant and happy."_

"_I will accept those words," the other I said, standing. "But it is you who will have to bear them."_

_The other I walked through a wall and I follow. Our feet come to rest on broken ground. A ruined building dominates the scene, while great, violent sounds shake the heavens above me. There are other parts of the image, too, things that don't fit. My horse is there, something that brings a small pang to me. He is really far away now. And a girl is lying there. That is…I turn in a panic to face the other I. "That's Himeko, isn't it?"_

"_Ah." The other I steps deftly around me, ending up behind me. Her arms encircle my neck before I can move my head to look back. "What are you going to do?"_

_I turn to look and she is gone. There's nothing there. Panicked, I look around, but the other I is nowhere within sight. Nor is there anyone else. I experience a sudden thrill of terror, rooted in a simple fact. I am no longer a mere observer. I have become the protagonist._

_That burdens me but I force myself to move, to run towards Himeko, the uniform I'm wearing heavy against my skin. "Himeko!" She doesn't answer and I desperately shake her shoulders. "Himeko, Himeko!" Finally, my first aid training kicks in and I force myself to calm down. When I check, she's breathing but her pulse is very erratic. I can't find any wounds, though, or even bruising. Everything is subtly wrong. I force down a dangerously real feeling of panic as I pull her uniform open. I flush slightly at the sight of her breasts before my eyes snapped onto a dark, circular mark just above them. I resist with difficulty the urge to touch it. It has a resonance with me I don't understand, a feeling…then my heart lurches and I remember the situation. Her pulse is still weak._

_Am I supposed to do something here or not? I don't know, I don't even remember, but I have a desperate need to do something. The world is thundering around me but I don't pay that any heed. Instead, I bring my hands together and press on her chest, in time with my own heartbeat. Panic mars my concentration, so much so I barely notice my own actions or the passage of time, but finally her pulse is stable and far stronger. I don't know if that was because of my actions or in spite of them. That's an irrelevance, though, as I pull back, looking down at her with a heavy, overwhelming relief._

_And then my heart stutters._

_My racing pulse isn't quelled. It only gets worse. My fear transmutes deftly from one kind to another, since my euphoric relief is twisting as I realise the weight upon me, all this time. And now I can think I can notice small things. Her gossamer hair spread out beneath her. Flushed skin. A small, cute mouth, fluttering with her uncertain breaths. Her body I've never seen half-seen before me. The way blood is flowing to my face and pounding in my ears, how my sight, all my senses narrow to this one point with the outside world an irrelevance. I'm afraid of myself that was afraid of her to a degree I can't understand, and afraid of these overwhelming feelings I can barely name, and afraid of these images that come unbidden into my mind. These fantasies. My skin crawls but I can't move; what I feel is a breathless, taut anticipation stretching me out. Here… right here…my body flows with my thoughts, rather than my misgivings, but my emotions ride with it, overwhelming the shame and the fear. If I move forwards, close my eyes, take a breath, I can answer my own call. Even if it's a lie. I'm not sure if I can control myself._

"_Himeko," I breathe, and with my voice comes the emotional counter-attack. Shame as much as desire makes my cheeks flush, my gut churns and my hands are shaking. But in spite of that those hands reach for her face, frame it, move her hair, feel her warm, soft skin beneath their touch. Like this, a sleeping angel… no, a doll. Something I can only do because she's asleep, not awake. That in itself proves this is a disgusting thing. But I don't think of that. I can't think of that, I'm afraid of that thought. What I feel instead is a twisted thrill, a memory of a fairy tale dream. Love is truth and consent is destiny. It's with those thoughts cresting this wave, this spasm of uncontrolled desire, that I move my head closer, close my eyes and breathe out. _

"_Happy birthday."_

_I say that with a soft, twisted whimsy, and then I kiss her on the lips. My body revolts, caught between an arching pleasure and utter self-disgust, so much so that they twist and shift and one becomes the other, my pleasure sickening, my self-hate in a depraved way pleasurable. I held the kiss with the passion of desperation, the insane desire to pin an ephemeral, impossible thing down, knowing that I won't take my lips away and smile. My eyes closed, I deny that moment over and over in my head, struggling to hold on. At last, I pull away, my soul turned to ash, and I open my eyes._

_Cold stone is beneath me, the air is tight, I force my eyes open and the world is wrapped in a tight and heady blue haze. There's no sign of Himeko. I massage my throat, feeling sick and gasping for breath, and I look around, searching for something, anything, to forget what I'd just seen. What I had just done. _

_A mess of Torii gates crowns a formless, empty abyss. _

_The sky above is twisted by a purple whirlpool. _

_I am standing on another gate and two beings stand on either side of me, facing away from each other. White clothes, light green hair, a sword raised up high. Tsubasa._

_And on the other side, clad in bizarre, red-trimmed robes and holding a broken tanto… the other I. _

_Tsubasa lowers his sword, laughing. "Amusing." He twists deftly to face me, red eyes manic. His light-green hair falls in a tangle over his face. "Amusing, Lunar Miko." Even as he said the words his clothes fall apart, a clean line of blood oozing out from the middle of a glowing purple light._

_My strained heart leaps again in fear and confusion, but his eyes travel past me. Even so, I can't bear to move. I am scared._

_The other I exhales._

"_Orochi has a grudge," Tsubasa narrates, raising his sword and pointing it straight past me. "A physical form of deep hopelessness, of black hatred. A sign of his need and determination to destroy the human world. You are the Orochi among the Orochi who embodies the essence of the eight of us." Once again, he chuckles, blood dripping from the wound and creeping down his skin. "You are similar to me. So much so you are like a reflection in the mirror."_

_I don't dare to avert my eyes from him, or I would look to the other I. What I felt was fear. What I craved was her strong words, her rejection. That I am his opposite, not his double. To throw this dark nonsense back at him with defiance. To know no part of me was like to him. I need that after what I just did._

"_Don't be ridiculous."_

_And those words are cold, curt, myself, and they let me breathe._

"_The Solar Miko?" Tsubasa asks smugly._

_The other I snorts harshly._

"_The hell that goes by the name of you is better suited to him now." Tsubasa turns and steps backwards, sword by his side. I exhale, feeling the pressure of his overbearing gaze disappear. "If he will aim for a higher status, or drop to the deepest part of hell, I'd like to see that right now."_

"_What are you thinking?" _

_And those words cut me. I am… she is not using the voice of an enemy._

"_Farewell, Lunar Miko. Orochi's Miko." With a smirk, Tsubasa falls backwards into the abyss and both I and the other I gasp as one in fear and surprise. He disappears beyond my sight, his sword shooting upwards and fading into the void of the sky above us._

_At last, I dare to look at myself. The other I looks down with heavy indifference, her expression dark and utterly inscrutable. I try to find words to say but nothing comes. She stands tall, her blade broken but her body untouched. Her eyes stare unflinchingly into the hell that had swallowed Tsubasa. And I have no idea what she can see there. Laughter from somewhere above us overwhelms me with fear, but still I dare make no sound, no movement. This cold and unreachable warrior, this other I, hardly terrified me less than Tsubasa had done, even armed as he was with a blade and a madness only he could sustain. She has nothing in common with the brooding, melancholic girl I saw so recently._

_And my heart freezes when that person turns to look at me, her eyes just as impassive as before. She steps forwards, idly throwing her broken tanto away. Geta clack across the ground and her eyes pin mine, paralysing me. I can barely think, barely see, trapped as I am with fear. Within moments she stands above me, looking down. "Can you bear it?" she asks coldly. "My truth?"_

_Her words light a spark of force, of defiance in me. I'm Chikane Himemiya. Why should I cower in my own dreams? _

_But her body radiates a sinister, choking ambience, a subtle force I can't overcome. I choke back my words, saying nothing, feeling only fear and a desperate desire for escape._

"_But it was Zeus who gave Pandora the box, not an arbitrary fate. And Zeus intended from the start for that box, that truth, to be his punishment to mankind." The other I raised her right hand, white light flourishing around it and materialising into heavy chains. "A kinder and a wiser god would have sealed it forever more."_

"_Wait!" I managed. The chains crashed down, encircling my entire body, my legs, my arms, and my chest, even tangling up in my hair. Their weight bore me down as they span around the Torii gate, tangling together, utterly securing me. There was barely enough slack to breathe, and I couldn't move my head at all._

"I've shown you a little of my hell," the other I said. "But I won't let you go further. Look around this place, and what you will see is the face of your enemies." The chains fall free of her arm, the last section crashing to earth and tying up there. "Knowing their faces, and knowing my face now, turn away. Pursue me no further. Make a better dream of a better place in the light."

_Mocking laughter echoes from on high. _**"Naïve…naïve, Miko. Your blood and your passion don't exist for that. An unending sacrifice."**

_The other I turns, raising her hands again. This time, she forms my bow, takes aim, and lets fly. The arrow strikes the whirlpool head-on, and the entire domain cracks and shatters, breaking around us. Screaming, I fall into the void below._

* * *

I woke bathed in sweat and gasping for breath, my stomach churning. I pulled my head up from my pillow, clapping my hand to my mouth and choking back bile. My limbs were on cold fire, trembling violently, while my heart thundered in my chest. With effort, I peeled myself away from the sheets my sweat had glued me to, letting my dizzy head fall back and look up at the ceiling. With effort, I tried to control my breathing, a succession of disturbing images racing through my head. It had been a nightmare. Just a nightmare. There wasn't anything real to fear.

I feel sick. Really sick. My whole body is sticky and uncomfortable against the sheets, but I'm too cold to do without them. My body is tired to the bone, heavy with the burden of restless sleep, but my mind is too twisted, too alive. I raised my right arm shakily and wiped some sweat from my brow, groaning. This isn't even funny at all.

I closed my eyes, trying to calm my agitated mind. Unfortunately, I could remember the dream almost entirely. So I turned my head and opened my eyes again, glancing at my alarm clock. It was 4:05 in the morning. I seriously need to go back to sleep, but I don't know if that will even be possible. I had a very hard time getting asleep at all, picking over so many tangled thoughts as I had been. When I think about it, it was a tragic inevitability that I'd have a dream like this. The fever of my body isn't anywhere near as disturbing as the feverish mess of my mind.

So cut through the fever with cold, brutal logic, and then go back to sleep. I'm not a little girl any more. I'm not permitted to be scared by mere dreams.

I rested the palm of my right palm on my forehead, pulling up the blankets again with my left hand. The matters with Himeko and that man Tsubasa were evidently weighing on my mind far too much. So much so, my subconciousness had constructed an elaborate fantasy of some kind… were the two sides connected, even? But I can explain away Tsubasa's side easily enough. What I feel when I've seen him those two times is overwhelming contempt and hostility. My fantasy is another I who can fight him and win, if only by the virtue of being the last one standing. My fear of that hostile aspect is characterised by how terrifying the other I of that fantasy is. Perhaps that even folds into dream-Tsubasa comparing her to him. I don't consider myself in any way like him. I have nothing in common with someone like him. But if he feels this disturbingly intense hostility, it makes sense I might shape a dream in that way. Well, whether he really does or not, he comes across as hostile to me, and that's enough.

I also know enough about Orochi and have enough interest in myth and legend to inspire such a dream. I suppose I can think of it as a very twisted wish fantasy.

I groaned softly, turning my head sideways. Twisted is understating the case. My dreams of my melancholic self weren't much happier. And then… that. I closed my eyes. I would love it if I could disown that part of the dream. Rationalisation is a mental defence but any rationalisations about _that _much necessarily involve deeply disturbing implications. Or, to put things in vulgar terms… if my dreams of myself talking to myself are becoming disturbingly vivid, myself doing that, taking advantage of Himeko while she slept, in such a graphic mental image is outright fucked up.

I took this lightly before, but this isn't funny. I know, I _know_. I'm feeling so sick and tired I can't be bothered to put it delicately in my head. I don't have any sexual feelings for men, but other women turn me on. There. I said it.

So to speak.

I've wrestled with this for years, certainly long enough that I can't simply put it down as a phase I'll pass through. If it's because I'm immature, or it's a result of my inexperience, I can't conceive of that. And while I've never been very happy about this, I was sure I'd accepted it. I can't be happy about being strange, but with effort and the occasional necessary release I can handle my tension, and with proper caution and discretion I can conceal it from the people around me. Throwing myself into my work has also helped. But now I'm haunted again, since thinking about Himeko in this way at all is totally wrong. She's innocent, sincere, a _friend _to me, it's a given she'd be horrified if she knew. I even know the look she gave me when I hugged her last night. Does she suspect me? I'm sure I've been careful and cautious, I always am. Or was it just that hug which was an inappropriate slip? I got carried away, because of that boy… but what if that is also because of this? If my eagerness to see her, my affectionate thoughts about her, my regret at letting her down, what if they are all because I'm basically attracted to her? That would be terrible. Either way, I have enough reasons to fear if I was simply having a _normal _fantasy about her, insofar as such a thing is possible for something like this.

To dream of taking advantage of her while she was hurt and vulnerable like that is totally disgusting. I hate myself just for thinking about it.

No, at least remember this was a nightmare. My mind has put me through some horrible things, so I don't need to take it as read that I feel that way, or blame myself for something that deeply disturbs me. It's possible I dreamed of that precisely _because _it's something I fear. I never want to do something like to anyone because of my abnormality. But on the other hand, I can't discount this train of thought for naïve reasons. Having a sexual dream of someone is… suggestive, regardless of the circumstances. Well, just the once could be considered a coincidence. But aren't I avoiding the most important question? Am I attracted to Himeko? None of our meetings have had particularly sexual contexts, even on my side alone. She dresses in a demure enough way, and her amicable innocence is anything but seductive. Though I hugged her, not once but twice. Her amicable innocence inspires that in me, the desire to hold her close and protect her. And she is very warm and comfortable in my arms, and she does have a very attractive figure, and-

I flushed, turning over in bed. No. This train of thought ends now. Regardless of my actual feelings, I'll only walk into my desires if I think that way.

In a happier dream, I'd hug her, and maybe squeeze her a little, and perhaps she'd squeal. But our world isn't that convenient.

Like last night. The look she gave me after I hugged her and whispered to her. I can't forget that, because it hurt, even though I was careful not to say anything at the time. I made a mistake, and I shouldn't brood on that. Nothing good will come of turning it over and over in my head. I hugged her. She didn't like it. That's all.

I felt blearily for my pendant, picking it up and feeling the soft, familiar contours. It feels so unfair. I don't deserve this. Whether my feelings are romantic or not, I don't know and on some level I don't even care. I like Himeko. I like her a lot. I want to get to know her, to get closer to her than I am right now, to spend time with her and enjoy her smile and her sweet voice and her kindness. I want that enough to be sad at my commitments. I want that enough to be jealous at her commitments. Himeko is… sweet. And I know I'm sincere. I don't want to be burdened by a strange man called Tsubasa and my depraved dreams and her frown, pushed away a little and kept apart by circumstances. I know nothing in life is easy, but right now I'm tired and my life feels so very hard. Why couldn't this have stayed as soft and simple as our first two meetings? Why can't I have something clean and happy and untroubled in my life, just for once?

Our world still isn't that convenient.

The arc that linked the dream together was the other I… the words she used joined everything together. What I'm most afraid of is probably myself. My commitments, my emotions and desires, my jealousies, I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to a simple and clear-cut relationship with anyone. Especially with her.

Did mother ever feel this way, when she met father?

Bad metaphor.

I smirked at my own foolishness, turning over again and letting go of my pendant. Far from cutting through my feelings, I've just widened and deepened the confusion. At least I'm going to try and reach out and grasp onto my dreams, rather than my nightmares. The love of my parents for me, a happy relationship with Himeko, and myself who despite my own misgivings manages both in some way somehow, I'll hold onto those things. They'll help me sleep again, perhaps a little more soundly than before. At least, I hope that'll be the case.

* * *

There's one more thing I haven't been able to tell her, not yet. I think I dreamed of it after the nightmare, or else in a memory I found when I woke again. A story that came from when I was young.

I was twelve at the time, if I remember correctly. It was the first time in a few weeks I'd had an entire weekend with my parents, so father had suggested we make an occasion of it. This time, mother went along with him, and I was rather pleased at that. But we went to the beach, which I was less keen on. Mother felt the same way. I distinctly remember her complaining she was too old for it. Certainly, a lot of the people there were younger. But she was wearing casual clothes, I remember, because it was unusual. So I think mother was also showing willing. I don't even know if father particularly likes the beach. With the benefit of hindsight, I do wonder whether it's just something he thinks families should do together.

But it was fun. I brought a book like mother, which made me feel mature- but besides, I did enjoy reading. I ended up forgetting about it, though, since father challenged me to a shell-finding contest. So I dutifully scurried up and down the beach, gathering up as many shells as I could, while father went through the motions of competing with me and mother simply watched. She may have teased father about it. I'm sure we made her smile a little, but she didn't join in. Either way, I hated to lose, so I worked very hard to win. And I did enjoy myself.

After that, though, father challenged me to one more thing. He asked me to find my favourite shell, out of all the piles we'd gathered. I took this rather seriously, and looked hard, and ended up finding a beautiful, unbroken pink shell. And I gave that to him with a hint of pride, and he looked at it very thoughtfully. I waited, wondering if I'd done something wrong. Had it been some kind of test? But what father said in the end was this. "Chikane, do you know kaiawase?"

I scrunched up my forehead and mumbled something I remembered about a historical aristocratic pastime.

"Yes. But the interesting thing about kaiawase is that out of all the shells, there's only one combination of shell and lid for each that fits perfectly. That's said to symbolise harmony and chastity."

I nodded dutifully. I wasn't sure what chastity was, precisely, but it was something honourable people often had. Father has always been in the habit of talking over my age.

"And the interesting thing is that people are the same," father added, almost as an afterthought. "There has to be a perfect fit for each and every person in this world."

"What silly things are you teaching her now, darling?" mother asked reproachfully.

But I was a big girl who had a vague grasp on the concept of romantic love, which came up in books a lot. So I tried to impress him by asking if he and mother were like that.

Father smiled and said this. "I don't know."

I think both mother and daughter looked askance at him at that point.

Father raised the shell, looking at it philosophically. "You can't ever know for sure, since the world is a big place. But that doesn't matter. Love isn't a perfect thing, Chikane. It's something you make for yourself, with hard work and dedication. It isn't something you wait around for."

"And you say I can be too serious with the poor girl," mother said. I think she was smiling then.

But I nodded dutifully. "I'll work hard."

"That's good. Because there is a perfect person out there for you. And there are plenty of good people you can spend a happy and fulfilling life with. Even if it's with the perfect person, you'd still have to work hard. No, realising perfection may be hardest of all." He held out the shell for me and smiled. "It's not a very happy moral, I know. But I know you can understand."

I nodded proudly, taking the shell from him. "I understand." I felt precocious, which is something I liked to feel, since father had talked in such an adult way to me about adult things. It was a lot later that I came back to his words and understood them.

In a way, they sound cold. As if mother might not be his perfect partner, and as if loving her is a chore.

Mother had a silver necklace made with the shell, since I liked it and kept it with me. That was probably a present to father as well as to me.

That's why I understand. For father, mother was and is the person he loves most. Even if he met a different and perfect person for him, he would never betray mother. If he did that, his love would be worthless whomever he gave it to. That's what he believes. And worthwhile things aren't always easy… perhaps, if they're easy, they aren't worthwhile at all.

Friendship or love, that's a good thing for me to remember. It's also something I'd like to tell Himeko, some day.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chains of Memory: Part 14**

Looking back, it strikes that Chikane and Himeko as I write them have a very apologetic relationship. Kanamomo as they were and are would never apologise to anyone ever, possibly even if they were paid. Natsuki was almost the same by instinct if not desires and Shizuru seesawed between profound apology and banally trivial apology about everything. But... ChikaHime... Chimeko (help me out here, people) involves a formally polite person feeling insecure and a girl who apologises to everyone for everything ever. It makes for an odd dynamic at times.

* * *

I am standing in the middle of a large shrine I don't recognise. It isn't the Ogami shrine. The air feels thin here, and it is cold. Nor is there any sign of Chikane-chan or myself. What there is are two fallen katana. One is stained with blood.

_I look around but there isn't anywhere to run. Instead I approach softly, driven by a morbid curiosity, kneeling before the sword and reaching for the hilt._

"_I wouldn't touch it, if I were you."_

_I jumped, turning to see myself looking away from me. "Where are we?"_

"_A long way from home. We need to leave here now. She will be here soon. I won't let you see her." Myself is dressed in strange robes, trimmed with purple. The way she spoke is sad, but also strong. I never sound like that myself…_

_I shake off that thought with effort. It doesn't matter. It's only a dream. "She? Is that Chikane-chan?"_

"_Yes." She claps her hands, holding them together and closing her eyes._

_I walk round to face her, frowning. "Why? Why can't I see her?"_

"_She doesn't want to see either of us right now. Because… she has a lot to think about. I'll take care of her."_

_She sounds very decisive. I nod. "Okay. If that's what you think best."_

"_Let's go." The scene changes instantly. I am standing on a cliff next to Chikane-chan, which is rather confusing. Didn't the other me just say I couldn't see her? I follow Chikane-chan's gaze and gasp at the sight. A giant… well, a giant robot stands calmly in the water. Visibly sitting on its palm is Ogami-kun and the other I. And we're, ah, kissing._

_I flush and pout, feeling rather foolish. I'd rejected Souma long ago, so I wasn't supposed to have dreams like this. Besides, this is all rather dishonest on the part of… the other me. I fold my hands together and watch, jumping when Chikane-chan exhales violently. I glance at her. "Chikane-chan?"_

_Her eyes widen as if traumatised then focus on the floor. "I see. So that's what it meant."_

_I open my mouth to ask what she means, but a piercing white light explodes from her back, hurting my eyes. I hold up my right hand to shield myself as my left hand grabs the uniform I'm wearing around the chest, holding tight. My body is… cold, cold and shaken, as if I'm overborne by the radiance. It's an almost regal feeling, as if I'm in the presence of a queen, or a Goddess. I'm also afraid. Afraid since I can't see, can't move, can barely breathe._

_When my eyes can see again, the robot is walking for me, still carrying Souma and the other me. Chikane-chan or her horse are nowhere in sight._

_They reach the shore, Souma helping the other me off. He looks really down for some reason. "I'm really sorry, Kurusugawa. I'll walk you home, okay?" He blinks, frowning. "Or would the robot be faster?"_

"_It's fine, Ogami-kun," the other me says weakly. "I'll walk myself."_

_His face falls further. "Okay… see you later, then."_

_The other I turns away, Souma watching her back. I frown, raising a hand and trying to say something. "Umm-"_

"_They can't hear you."_

_I jump, turning my head to see myself behind me again. This time dressed in a school uniform. And when I look back, the other… other…me is walking home, dressed differently. "There's two of you?"_

"_Three of us," the other me says, prodding me on the forehead and smiling. "It's very like me to forget…"_

"_I'm pretty sure I'm not so mean I'd keep sneaking up on people like that," I say, pouting. "How do you do that, anyway?"_

_The other me shrugs expansively, giggling. "It's a dream, isn't it? The details aren't important."_

"_And why can't they hear us or see us?" I say, rubbing my head and feeling confused. "I was pretty sure they… you…could see me all the time. Maybe. No, you haven't explained why there's two… no, three of us, either."_

"_The details aren't important," she repeats, smiling. _

_I give her an unimpressed look._

"_It's complicated," she says evasively. "I don't totally understand everything myself. In any case, what do you think?"_

"_About what?" I ask, by now thoroughly confused._

"_About that. What you just saw. Ogami-kun and us." She smiles. "Isn't this a possible future?"_

"_It didn't go very well," I say, feeling a little annoyed by the suggestion. Right now Souma is just standing here by the cliff, staring blankly into the water below. And the robot has disappeared someone. "It doesn't make very much sense, either. And in any case, I decided this a long time ago… that Souma isn't the person I'm waiting for."_

"_I see." The other me gives me a small smile that is neither happy nor sad. "You sound like your mind is made up, so I'll leave it at that. Where do you want to go now?"_

_I cock my head, feeling puzzled. "Uhh… where can I go?"_

"_To lots of places." The other me glances at me, purple eyes thoughtful. "I can show you simple and happy days with Chikane-chan, if you like."_

_I nod, giving her a suspicious look. "How much do you see her anyway?"_

"_Lots," the other me says, smiling a little. "Jealous?"_

"_Not particularly," I say, pouting again. "I'm the real one, after all."_

"_I'm glad to hear that." The other me turns away again, looking out over the cliff. "Let me see… what would be nice…the time on the beach…in the mansion…or just an ordinary school day…"_

"_Do you control this dream?" I ask curiously. "It seems like you're not like the other me I just saw, or him." I nod at Souma, who is finally turning to walk away._

"_I can navigate, you see," the other me explains, smiling. "Since I know this place well. There are a lot of us, but we aren't equal. I'm the greatest, I think, apart from the queen." The other me touches her chin thoughtfully, looking up at the sky. "Does that make me a bishop or a rook? I can never remember at all…and the other one, actually…"_

"_Queen?"_

_The other me giggles awkwardly. "Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell you about that."_

_I narrow my eyes at her. "Who is the queen? Chikane-chan?"_

"_No."_

"_Can you take me to her?"_

_The other me smiles and shakes her head. "Sorry, not right now. You wouldn't like it at all."_

_I remembered the shrine, and the bloodied sword, and Chikane's face twisting in pain. "Please take me there."_

"_You can't. Not yet." Her tone was cold, her eyes sharp and piercing. "For Chikane-chan's sake as well, I won't take you there yet."_

_My heart twisted in surprise. I actually look surprisingly scary, which isn't normal at all. Somehow, that and the mention of Chikane-chan persuaded me. I… think I can trust myself to know myself best. "So… where else are you going to take me?"_

_The other me relaxed a bit, smiling and nodding. "I know just the place."_

"_Where-" The world changes before I could ask her anything. I am standing in a large… huge…bathroom. I look down and see myself crouching in the corner of the swimming pool like bath, blinking and glancing up at me. _

_She doesn't look very glad to see me. "You're a guest…hi. I hope you're doing well."_

"_Hi," I say awkwardly, looking around. "You aren't the… uh, bishop, are you?"_

"_The bishop?" the other me say, sounding completely nonplussed._

_I nod, trying to think. "She's about my height and- well, she's like me or you. But smarter."_

"_If you're looking for someone, this probably isn't the place. But if you want to relax, please be my guest. I'll count it as a lucky and interesting occurrence."_

_I turn to find I have been standing just a few feet from Chikane-chan… Chikane-chan completely naked. I look down at her before flushing and averting my eyes, feeling shocked. "Sorry, sorry!"_

"_Sorry? There's nothing to apologise for."_

_I ventured a look, careful to focus on her eyes. "But-"_

_Chikane-chan shakes her head. "It's fine. We're all girls here."_

"_I don't mind," the other me says, giving me a reproachful look._

_I nod awkwardly, feeling like I'm trapped in a very weird situation._

"_If you're looking for someone, like I said, there are better places," Chikane-chan said, washing her hair with a showerhead. "Otherwise, please join us. Put your clothes by the wall."_

_I blush again. "But-"_

"_It's fine," Chikane-chan repeats, smiling patiently. "It won't bother me at all."_

_You're not the problem here at all. But the only way out I can think of is the door, and there's no sign of the other me who can make me go places. So I shuffled awkwardly to the corner of the room and began to take off my clothes, facing the wall as I did so. At least I was still wearing the uniform when I got here… I don't think I could have handled arriving in the nude._

_It didn't help, though. I end up stripping and walking back to the bath as fast as I can, self-consciously covering my breasts with my arms and facing away from Chikane-chan. As quickly as I can, I slide into the water and retreat to the far side, leaning against the wall like the other me. "Thank you," I murmur._

"_Not at all," the other me said awkwardly._

_The water is warm and comfortable, relaxing me a lot. I look all around the room, taking in the beautiful decor for a minute or two, before realising I am only looking at it to avoid looking at something else. And my ears burn, and I irresistibly turn my head to look at Chikane-chan. She's still washing her hair, head averted. It's odd, even though both of me is so self-conscious, she can just sit there stark naked in comfortable silence. I can see quite a lot. But it's natural, isn't it? I knew before, but seeing her like this really brings it home, Chikane-chan has such a beautiful and attractive body she doesn't have any reason to be shy. Her skin's so white, her hair so fine, she's thin but has long legs, and her breasts are big, much bigger than mine-_

_The other me pokes me on the shoulder. "You're staring," she whispers reproachfully._

_I flush furiously, realising she is right, and turn my head away. "Sorry…but I can't help it. Chikane-chan is so…"_

"_Perfect?" the other me suggests. "I know."_

_I nod. "It makes me feel very plain."_

"_Right?" the other me says, a little more loudly. "It's odd."_

"_What's odd?" Chikane-chan said amicably, smiling at us._

"_Nothing," we both said at once, before looking at each other apologetically. The other me looked back. "Just me stuff."_

_Chikane-chan smiles. "I see." She puts the shower-head aside, stands and walks towards us, sitting on the edge of the pool and dangling her legs in the water. "Can I join you?"_

_She looks unerring at the other me, who looks awkwardly away. I take the chance to look unerringly at Chikane-chan, feeling very foolish and not a little weird. If she notices, she doesn't react. "Go ahead," the other me says. "I mean, I'm just borrowing this from you…"_

"_If you're sure," Chikane-chan said, sliding her body into the water. Her hair billows out behind her as she walks slowly forwards, eyes focused on the other me. _

_As I get closer, I feel a rising sense of tension. When she was outside and we were looking up at her, there was this distance between us. As if Chikane-chan was a statue or an idol, something to look up at… it's a role she does well. But since she's with us, it's like she's on our level, and I don't know why, but it's a strangely scary feeling. Not scary in a bad way, exactly. But. _

_I automatically move out of the way as she stops in front of us, looking away, cheeks heavy. She has an amazing presence. Does this come naturally to an important person like her?_

"_I'm getting out," I said abruptly, wading towards the other side. The others don't reply. Maybe they're not listening. I end up pulling myself out of the water and taking a folded towel that had been neatly laid out on the floor, wrapping it round me before trying to dry myself. I try to resist the temptation to look back, but it overwhelms me. Just a glance. It's normal. _

_They were side by side, with about a foot between them. The other me was looking away awkwardly, probably feeling the same pressure I did. Chikane's eyes looked the other way. If I didn't know her better, I'd say she also looked tense and embarrassed. But cautiously she glanced sideways at Himeko's face, opening her mouth to say something. Then they slide downwards._

_A moment later they snap up at me. Apparently she's caught my gaze, and her expression's almost scary. I look away hurriedly, feeling her glare on the back of my neck._

_Apparently, I'm not the same as her Himeko. I'm sure she'd never look at this other me like that. It's… it's scary, just like Tsubasa._

_I dry myself off. After a few seconds, Chikane retreats to the other side of the pool, and they begin a quiet conversation. I don't listen, though, feeling like I've imposed too much already. So I dress in a hurry and leave, closing the door behind me._

_There's a maid standing outside, holding folded pyjamas. She has golden hair in long rings and a very dark expression, her eyes fixed on the door. I raise a hand apologetically. "Sorry…which way is out?"_

_She doesn't say anything._

"_Excuse me?" I step in front of her, waving my hand in front of her eyes. She doesn't react at all. Frowning, I steel myself, and experimentally touch her. She doesn't react at all._

_What was it the clever other me… never mind, I'll call her bishop. What was it she said? Not everyone can see me. Some of them are better than the others. Like Souma, this person can't see me at all._

_I shrug and wave. "Then I guess I'll show myself out."_

_That was easy to say, though, and harder to do. The house is very big and posh, all western style, and it takes me a few false starts before I work out the way out. I end up in a large dining room and a study first, before I finally manage to work my way down to the staircase and towards the front door. But all the same, it didn't feel like I was seeing any of it for the first time. It was… nostalgic. All of it._

_There are maids everywhere and none of them acknowledge me or even notice me. It's a little creepy. And a little lonely._

_I push open the main door and walk down the steps into the garden. I look up at the gates and blink, then look back at the house. And it's only then I realise. This is the Himemiya house in Mahoroba._

_The one I've never been inside._

* * *

I woke up unrested; my mind heavy with everything I'd just experienced. Another weird dream I remember. And they're only getting weirder. Different Is, and kissing Ogami-kun, and Chikane-chan naked… I flushed, turning to face the wall so Mako-chan wouldn't see. I somehow feel it's a little shameless to dream like that. It's really embarrassing.

And the bloody sword. I still don't get that at all.

After a few minutes sleepily anticipating a Mako-chan special that never came, I finally found the strength to get up. But when I look around the flat, Mako-chan is nowhere in sight. "Mako-chan? I'm up."

There was no reply. I walked forwards, hoping she wasn't going to jump out at me from a corner or something. Or from the ceiling, a sleepy and slightly outlandish part of my mind said. I looked up, but she wasn't holding herself in the corner like a ninja or a spider.

But I did find a note on the kitchen table. _Sleep in, okay, sleepyhead? Something's come up I need to take care of, so I won't be back for lunch. Don't worry, I'm fine. Enjoy yourself and do what you like._

I frowned, feeling a little disappointed. She should at least tell me what it is she's worried about. Now I'm going to worry all day. But I suppose I've made mistakes myself recently, so it can't be helped.

I went back to shrug on some clothes, rubbing my eyes and yawning. My mind was still bubbling with the complexity of the dream, but I decided to concentrate on practical things. That way, I wouldn't space out and get distracted.

When I got to the kitchen, I found that Mako-chan had left me cheese on toast. It was cold, of course, but I decided to eat it anyway. Of course, that removed one of my potential distractions. I checked my watch as I sat down. Eleven. Maybe I could get away with starting to prepare for lunch.

Maybe I could get one of those books on interpreting dreams. There's a lot of stuff about how dreams are intensely metaphorical, right? They're reflections of your own feelings or something, but that doesn't mean they're easy to understand. I'm sure there's a normal reason for experiencing something like this. I bite into the toast thoughtfully. For instance, a bloody sword would be… I don't know… periods?

Losing your virginity?

I closed my eyes. On second thoughts, no dream interpretations. Nothing like that at all. Happy thoughts. I sighed, opening my eyes again and eating some more of the toast. If only Mako-chan were here, I'm sure she'd be able to distract me with her usual banter. Why did she have to choose today to disappear mysteriously?

Maybe I could even talk to her about it… or maybe not. This might be too personal even to talk to her. I dread to think what she'd make of me kissing Souma. She'd probably start trying to get me to date him again, and it took me ages to get her to stop doing that, too. Mako-chan's a good person, but she's too used to giving me advice I follow. But it would be nice to tell someone. Only there isn't anyone. Chikane-chan and Souma are out by default.

I suppose I could tell them about the parts that don't concern them, separately. But I think that would also be a very bad idea.

I sighed, finishing the very dry toast and washing it down with a glass of water. After that, I washed up what little there was to do and decided to leave lunch for now. It was something I could do almost by rote, so it wouldn't distract me at all. Unless I tried to do a whole new thing, but I didn't have the ingredients and wasn't in the mood.

I'm feeling really negative today, aren't I? It feels like I can only think of things that I can't do.

So I decide to read Reiko-sensei's manga now. That should definitely drive all of this out of my mind.

I find it and fall forwards onto my unmade bed, opening it. Her signature catches my eye, and her message. Telling a fan not to read her work… Reiko-sensei really is unusual. I think this is what I keep trying to tell Mako-chan, in a way. But it's definitely weird, whether that's a good way or a bad way, I'm not sure. In a way, it makes me anticipate this even more.

Driving all thoughts of weird dreams and strange places and Chikane's not-boyfriend and Tsubasa out of my mind, I settled down to read.

It's a pretty odd story, just like I'd guessed. Though the start is pretty normal. There are three teenagers attending this school in the city. The first one we meet is this really beautiful girl called Hiroha Kouya, who is living with her roommate and childhood friend, Utae Miyazawa. Utae is even more beautiful than Hiroha, and far smarter, and rich too… she's an all-round idol character. She's super-popular and works on the student council, but she leaves all that behind every night to go back home and talk to Hiroha, and help her with her homework. Hiroha is really glad to have such a wonderful friend. And that's pretty much the first chapter, which surprised me. Normally we meet the guy straight away.

He turns up right at the start of the second chapter, though. A transfer student called Noboru Ogata arrives, making a stir right away, since he's really handsome and talented. In fact, he's so popular he quickly comes to rival Utae, and the school's divided between them. But he isn't really bothered about that. Instead, he concentrates on Hiroha almost from the start, thought she can hardly believe it, asks to eat lunch with her and so on. However, tension rises when Utae intercedes on the pair, making things very awkward. A few days of this is enough to start a rumour that Utae and Noboru are dating, the 'perfect couple'. Hiroha begins to believe it's true and distances herself from the one she loves, since she doesn't want to get in the way of her friend, Utae. Utae seems very worried, though, that this will damage their friendship, and asks to go swimming with Hiroha on Saturday. Meanwhile, Noboru, walking home alone, is stalked by a mysterious woman who warns him that 'they are all coming' and that they will claim the Archime.

I looked up at the book thoughtfully at the end of the second chapter. Her art has got even better, and the characters are interesting too. Hiroha's too self-sacrificing, but I suppose that's understandable for a friend. Either way, the plot's hinging on a surprisingly predictable love triangle right now, since Utae and Hiroha are both chasing after Noboru. That's too predictable for Reiko-sensei, though. The fantasy aspect is probably going to come out soon and mess everything up.

I wonder what I would do in a situation like that, though. If my friend, maybe Mako-chan, was in love with someone I also loved. Though it's irritating at first glance, Hiroha's actions make more sense when I think about it that way. She owes a lot to Utae, and she's naturally deferent, so giving way to avoid destroying their friendship over the matter is sensible. That way they can still remain friends, which might be more important than Noboru, who they've both barely met. I'd probably do the same thing… well, depending. If it was a crush or a liking, sure. But if I thought that this person was the one I had been waiting for, what would I do? Would I be willing to risk my friendship with Mako-chan to chase after them? I don't know. Maybe. So maybe I'm just a worse friend than Hiroha is. It's just a shame she's so self-absorbed, or maybe just distracted. She's always thanking and thanking Utae, she never really notices that Utae just wants to be friends like before, without being formal or anything.

Am I like that with Chikane-chan? I mean, obviously, we don't have that close a friendship… but it's possible Chikane-chan also wants to be friends with me, and I don't need to worry so much about imposing on her.

This is what Reiko-sensei is so good at. Since she understands relationships, she can make everything relevant to ordinary people like me, even though she's writing about totally fantastic situations. This is what I keep trying to tell Mako-chan, and she never believes me.

I considered reading the third chapter straight away, but just about resisted the temptation. Lunch first, lunch! I put the book aside and stood, heading for the kitchen again. I'd just fix something simple, since there was no one else here but me.

While I was doing that, I thought about Chikane-chan again. Putting the dream aside, yesterday had been confusing. So she was meeting with that boy because of her family business, and they aren't dating or anything. I wish I could talk to her about it more, though. Does she like him, for example? It makes me feel weird, but I suppose it's possible. He was pretty handsome, and he's from the same kind of background as Chikane-chan, right? It's only natural they'd have more to talk about than Chikane-chan does with me. If that's the case, then I should just stay out of the way for now, right? If Chikane-chan wants me, she can call me. Acting like Utae deliberately can be forgiven, but acting like her by accident would be really quite silly.

Or is that Hiroha thinking at work? Chikane-chan did say she was glad to see me, and hugged me like that. Maybe she does want to see me… or even if she doesn't, there's no harm in asking, right? Chikane-chan is polite and kind, but she's also a strong and businesslike person. If I just call and ask if we can meet, she can always make an excuse or schedule the meeting until after the week is out. I winced. That thought doesn't really make happy in one way… but it is a reminder that I don't have to decide anything by myself. Chikane-chan's definitely a stronger person than Hiroha, to be sure.

I sighed. And most importantly, I want to see her. If it's possible, I'll ask her about that boy, and last night. I acted badly since I was feeling so tired and scared, so I should probably apologise, too. I guess I'll just trust myself and see how things go. Lunch first, though.

I sat down at the table and ate, resisting the temptation to read while doing so. Mako-chan had scolded me one too many times about that one. And I wonder what she's doing. Maybe it's something to do with her running. Heck, maybe I should phone her. Or would that bother her? If it's something really important she hasn't told me about, then there's probably a reason. I guess I'll just have to trust her.

Once I'd finished eating, I washed up, then decided to wait for half an hour more, to make sure Chikane-chan was clear of lunch. I didn't want to interrupt her. So I found my place in the story and started to read again. The story picks up again when Hiroha and Utae are walking home, talking and reconciling with each other a bit. Hiroha asks how things are going with Utae, and the latter says a little distantly that there's nothing between them. Hiroha fights down her impulse to be pleased, and says that she'll cheer for Utae from now on.

It's odd, actually, but we've seen the story told from Hiroha's perspective and from Noboru's perspective, but we never see Utae's thoughts. I suppose we aren't suppose to know any more of her emotions than the protagonist knows, which is more realistic. It'd be interesting to see what she's really like, though. Hiroha always, unfailingly thinks the best of her friend, and I wonder if that's wise. I think she's missing Utae's vulnerabilities.

I checked my watch. This was plenty… if I waited any longer, I'd be procrastinating, and it would hang over me all afternoon. I put the manga down again and fetched my phone, opening it and finding Chikane's number. Okay, good. Now, think of something to say… start normally, by asking her if she's okay after last night. That's fine.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and pressed call.

She picked up promptly. _"Chikane Himemiya here."_

I opened my eyes, feeling tense. "Good afternoon, Chikane-chan. Am I interrupting anything?"

"_Ah, Himeko," _Chikane-chan said, her voice relaxing slightly. _"No, I can talk. How are you? Did you get home fine last night? I should have called you."_

"I was fine, I was fine," I said hurriedly. "There wasn't a need to go that far. Souma… Ogami-kun walked me home, so it was fine. I was perfectly safe."

"_I see. I'm glad." _A moment's silence. _"I'm sorry about… what I did yesterday."_

I blinked. "What you did yesterday? No, I should be the one apologising. I misinterpreted the situation without knowing anything, so it's my own fault."

"_Sorry?" _Chikane-chan paused for a moment. _"I was talking about the hug…I just wanted to reassure you, but you looked pretty shocked. I'm sorry if I did something you aren't comfortable with."_

"Oh," I said, comprehension dawning. "No, not at all. It's not like I wasn't comfortable with it, it's just… I was tired, and scared, I think, so I ended up thinking strangely. That's to say, that was also my fault," I finished awkwardly.

It's not like I didn't like it, exactly.

"_I see. I'm still sorry, though. In any case, what was it you thought I meant?"_

I blanched. "Ah… that was something I intended to apologise for myself, so I guess I kinda jumped the gun a bit. I mistook that person, Harry Reynolds, for your boyfriend. I should have known better than to jump to conclusions like that."

_"I'm not bothered by that at all. Under the circumstances, it was a fairly normal assumption."_

"That doesn't make it right, though," I insisted. I'm sure I should know Chikane-chan better than that.

_"Well, either way you don't have to apologise."_

And we ended up talking for a long time about various things. The evening before, with everything that happened, and Tsubasa, and Souma, and I told Chikane about Covert Eight Immortals, and she told me the legend it was based on, and then she told me about a game she'd played with the Reynolds…

And we ended up talking a lot longer than I'd intended. But I arranged to see her the next day anyway.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chains of Memory: Part 15**

Part 15 and over 108 reviews. It'll do as a double-benchmark. So, thanks for everyone's support. I'll see how far I can get before October begins and things change for me.

Chapter 16 will have more poolness and something a little unusual. Look forwards to it.

* * *

I sighed as I put my phone down, looking out the window. What… what exactly am I doing?

There are things I have to do. I need to keep entertaining the Reynolds, and I need to work on Eikou-sama. It's not as if Himeko isn't important, but… she should come afterwards. When I'm clear of all this. When my head is clear of everything.

I stepped forwards, resting my forehead against the cold glass and looking down. I'd have to bring the Reynolds, of course. Make it sound like it is my idea, and if they come then that will be fine. No, I can turn this into a positive development, provided they enjoy it. If they don't agree… one day is fine. One day should be fine. It's only the afternoon. Besides, it's perfectly normal to have other commitments. And perhaps I could spin it to Harry, at least, since he's met Himeko. I'm trying to cheer her up, I say. I can't ignore the fact that she's afraid, since Tsubasa came. That could work.

But this is the wrong way round. When my family commitments come up, I should apply damage control to my personal life. I shouldn't be thinking of damage control for a rash commitment I made to someone who is a friend, just a friend. Just because she asked so nicely, and I didn't want to let her down. Because I wanted to see her myself. Because I like her. Though it's true I let her down, and I want to make it up to her…

"What's wrong, Ojou-sama?"

I jumped, startled, and turned to face Otoha-san. Calm, calm. "Nothing's wrong, though you startled me… I was looking down at the city below. Living this high up is an interesting choice on the part of Eikou-sama."

Otoha-san nodded, apparently satisfied with this. "Certainly he could have chosen a more traditional place to live. In any case, I'm sorry for intruding. Shall I leave you?"

"No, not at all. Please stay." I looked at her, relaxing slightly. "By the way, we will be going swimming tomorrow."

Otoha-san blinked. "Ha?"

"It was Kurusugawa-san's idea. She says she's heard of a local water park, and will be calling later to confirm the details. It's possible the Reynolds will also come with me." I smiled at her. "Just so you know."

"At this short notice?" Otoha-san demanded vigorously. "Do you have a bathing suit, Ojou-sama?"

I frowned. "I don't?"

"You don't," Otoha-san said firmly. "I couldn't bring as many normal clothes as I'd wanted, never mind such things. We don't even have your school swimsuit, and that wouldn't be suitable at all anyway."

I frowned. "I see. That's something of a problem."

"It is," Otoha-san agreed, starting to put the clothes she was carrying into the wardrobe. "I will go and see what I can buy now, but it's on short notice, and I don't know how much luck I will have. Please remember you aren't an ordinary size."

I frowned, crossing my arms. "Well, sorry for that… will I need to come along as well?"

"I can do it myself, since I know all your sizes," Otoha-san said patiently. "Besides, you have plenty of work to do here, don't you?"

I nodded, looking out of the window again. "That's true. I'll leave it to you, Otoha-san. I trust your judgement."

"Thank you." Otoha-san finished, shutting the wardrobe and glancing at me. "But is this really okay, Ojou-sama?"

"What is?" I asked stubbornly.

"Meeting with Kurusugawa-san in a situation like this… is unusual for you," Otoha-san said delicately. "It's also difficult to say if she'd be comfortable if the Reynolds came."

I sighed slightly. "I know it's unusual," I admitted quietly. "But please indulge me in this, at least. I'm sure it will be fine."

"Just as long as Ojou-sama feels in control of the situation, I won't have any fears," Otoha-san said, turning away. "Sorry for subjecting you to my unnecessary doubts."

"Not at all," I said, listening as she opened the door to my room and stepped out. "It's fine."

As ever, Otoha-san can clearer reach the heart of the situation. My confidence and my control, the knowledge of myself and the other and the circumstances, normally I can use them all to plan and have confidence in things. But that's not how I feel right now. I'm making mistakes, I'm not thinking things through, I'm not even confident in myself. Even then, mind, I don't want to stop. As if simply continuing might develop into something more meaningful… that idea is naïve from the start. But I still feel that way. I hope things will turn out that way, because I want to see her. That kind of thinking leaves my comfort zones far behind, but I can't imagine thinking any other way. Thinking about Himeko in the normal way I have, a person to be impressed in a utilitarian way, I don't know why, but that repels me.

I touch my pendant idly. Coming full circle, I can only ask this… what exactly am I doing?

I closed my eyes. If I'm going round in circles, then, there's no meaning in continuing to think at all. I turned away from my pale reflection in the window, taking my phone from my bedside table and sliding it into the pocket of my jacket. A moment later, I stepped out into the corridor, narrowing my eyes and controlling my breathing. I have things to do. So I'll do them without moping.

I was surprised to find the Reynolds children in the lounge, sitting on the sofa while Harry worked on something with pen and paper. Leonard was reading a book. They're usually playing games in their rooms, but I suppose they can't do that every day. "Good afternoon," I said, walking forwards.

"Ah, Chikane," Harry said, glancing up at me. "Good timing. Can you help me with this?"

"_I don't remember asking her for help," _Mary grumbled.

I ignored her, walking forwards and sitting when Harry moved aside to give me room. "What are you doing?" I asked, looking down curiously.

"Mary asked if I could teach her a little Japanese," Harry clarified. "But it's rather difficult to know where to start."

I nodded, glancing at her and smiling. _"The interest is flattering. Do you mind if I help?"_

"_If you insist, I can't help it, can I?" _Mary said ungraciously.

"_Thank you. So what have you done so far?"_

"_Greetings, titles and things like that," _Harry said. _"I thought it would be more useful to explain and reinforce things she's going to be hearing a lot than teaching the language outright."_

"_I see. That's a good idea." _I knelt forwards, bending over the paper and taking a closer look. _"It seems you've made a good start."_

Harry nodded, continuing the bilingual list. "And you? How are you doing? That was a pretty long call."

"Ah, that," I began, switching languages when Mary glared at her brother. _"I was talking to my friend, Himeko. She has some worries right now, so I was trying to reassure her. But she also wanted to just talk."_

"_Himeko? The blonde, right? She seems like a sweet girl. Not my type, though." _Harry smiled apologetically. _"I hope she's well. That was pretty well."_

"_What are you two talking about, anyway? It's getting on my nerves, the way you talk over me," _Mary said.

"_Sorry. We were disrupted by an irritating person last night," _I explained it. _"Fortunately, we weren't in too much danger, I think, but it was unpleasant for all concerned."_

"_Definitely," _Harry said sheepishly. _"I was one of them. In any case, I hope you managed to cheer her up."_

"_I think so," _I said cautiously. _"In any case, she asked if we could meet again. Would you all be interested in going swimming tomorrow?"_

"_That would be good," _Harry said. _"We are on holiday. We even have our bathing suits, since we considering going to the beach."_

I made a mental note of that. _"You don't have to, of course. But I think it could be fun. What do you two say?"_

"_Fine by me," _Mary said shortly. _"This time I'm coming with you two."_

"_I also agree," _Leonard said. _"I like swimming." _He turned the page of his book deftly.

"_Then it's settled," _I said, relieved things had been so simple. _"And I'll ask Honoka-chan as well, when she gets home from school."_

"_That sounds fun. I hope we can manage with the languages, though," _Harry said sheepishly. _"Things could get a little confusing."_

"_It's probable that Himeko has at least some English," _I said cautiously. _"Either way, the two of us can work to translate."_

"_Sounds like hard work," _Harry said wryly. _"Well, on that note, I suppose I should get on with this."_

I nodded my acknowledgement, and we spent most of the next half-hour teaching words to a reticent Mary. I have difficulties with that girl, she isn't very friendly. I'm not sure if she's simply shy, or whether she has some reason to dislike me. Eventually, though, Leonard dragged her off, and the two of us remained behind. "Thanks for your help," Harry said, watching them go. "I'm sure she's grateful. But she's a little stubborn, as you can see."

"It's fine," I said, deciding not to argue about the choice of language. "She's a good person, so I don't mind."

"Good person or not, teaching is tiring," Harry said, pushing the paper away and leaning back on the sofa. "There has to be an easier way to do this."

"Japanese isn't an easy language to learn, so it can't be helped. I'm impressed she's willing. Why is she interested, anyway?"

"If I was cynical, I'd say so we can't talk over her," Harry remarked, smiling at me. "But most likely, she's more interested now we're in a country where everyone speaks it. I've no idea whether she'll keep it up when we get back."

"Well, that's reasonable enough," I said politely. "I'm still amazed you decided to learn yourself."

"Since father also knows enough to get by," Harry said. "He considers it good practise. I have to worry more about those things."

"I can understand that," I said. "I've also learned many things for those reasons. Some of them are of more practical use than others… tradition is important in my family. But calligraphy and tea ceremony have their social uses."

"That sounds really interesting. Is it a lot of work, though?"

I shrugged. "I manage. But they're certainly not fields you can master easily, to say nothing of my physical activities. I haven't had a chance to exercise for about a week, so most likely I'll be out of shape."

"It sounds like you keep pretty busy." Harry glanced at me. "But touching on another note, do you mind if I ask you a question? That girl Himeko, I assume she's a friend of yours?"

I nodded. "Yes, she's a friend… though she's not a member of a family or anything. Calling her 'normal' sounds arrogant of me, but she is more normal, relative to me."

"I see. Well, it's good to have friends like that," Harry said. "At least in my experience. What about that guy? Was that her boyfriend?"

"I… don't think so," I said lamely. "She talks about him a lot, but she didn't give me that impression. Why do you ask?"

Harry shrugged. "I'm just curious. How he talked gave me that impression. He said he'd protect her, right? Rather than the others there, specifically her."

"Don't read too much into that. I said the same thing," I teased. "I'm pretty sure I'm not her boyfriend, though."

Harry laughed. "Well, that's true. But it was just a feeling I had. It's certainly an unusual thing to say, right?"

"I wonder," I said. "Himeko is the kind of person who makes it easy to say that, since she feels like someone who needs to be protected. Since she's innocent." I blinked and shrugged. "Maybe it's just that."

"Well, I feel I'm owed the assumption, after what they all thought about us," Harry said lightly. "That was pretty embarrassing."

"I suppose it's normal," I said absently. That boy, Souma Ogami… I should clarify that with Himeko, just to be sure. It's true I feel a certain antagonism with him, too, even if that man, Tsubasa, dwarfs it.

Harry glanced across at me, before closing his eyes. "Perhaps."

* * *

"This was one of your better ideas," Mako-chan said, running ahead of me then stopping to let me catch up. "But did you really have to have it on such short notice? If there's going to be an attractive guy, I'd want something cooler than my old one. I'm not even sure it fits."

"Sorry, Mako-chan," I said, raising a hand apologetically. "I just got carried away again."

"Why swimming?" Mako-chan asked cheerfully. "Or do you just want to see me in my two-piece again? Is that it, hmm?"

"It's not like that," I said hurriedly. "It just seemed fun, that's all."

Actually, I got the idea from reading a manga… yeah, that wouldn't work at all. Mako-chan would say I'm an idiot, and maybe I am. But I'm sure we'll have fun like this, too.

"Hmm. Well, let's leave it at that," Mako-chan said, turning and carrying on walking. "Anyway, tell me more about this Harry guy. You say he's not connected to Himemiya, right? That means I have a chance. I can beat down her bigger guns with spirit!"

"I don't really get it, but I don't think there's any need to do that," I said hurriedly. "He's tall and dark, an American, a recent friend of hers… that's all I know."

"You really aren't very observant," Mako-chan complained. "I'd ask Souma myself, but the bastard isn't here. Just what is he doing, anyway?"

"I don't know," I replied weakly. "He wasn't very specific."

"Ahh. He should be more considerate!" Mako-chan complained. "Since it sounds like we're up to here in girls, with only one hot boy. If I could bring along him I'd feel better about stealing Harry. Why can't he be my sacrifice already?"

I smiled wanly, glancing at her. Apparently the interview with her coach yesterday went well, so I guess that's why she's even more energetic than usual. I suppose that's not a bad thing. Hopefully she will get on better with Chikane-chan this time. I'll be careful, and make sure they talk to each other.

"Fine, don't answer that," Mako-chan grumbled. "In any case, give us more warning next time! This is the last day before university starts, and we're here playing around."

"Sorry. But I think that's why I'm playing around," I replied lightly. "I'm sure Chikane-chan will be very busy from now on, so I want to see her now."

Mako-chan sighed. "Yes, yes. Just try and talk to the others too, okay? If they can understand us, anyway."

I spotted the others, running forwards and waving. They were a pretty big group, actually…

"Good afternoon, Himeko," Chikane-chan said cheerfully. "And Saotome-san."

"Yo," Mako-chan said, waving and coming to a stop next to me. "I'm Makoto. Pleased to meet you. Ah… can you understand that?"

"I can," Harry said. "I'm Harry Reynolds. This is my sister Mary and my brother Leonard. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"_This is Himeko, a friend of mine, and her friend Makoto," _Chikane said in English. She said something more, too, but I didn't get that bit.

It's nice to hear her call me a friend, though.

"And I'm Honoka, Honoka Himemiya," the final person said cheerfully. "Pleased to meet you. So you're Chikane's friend, huh?"

"I suppose so," I said weakly. "Glad to meet you."

"Shall we go?" Chikane-chan suggested, while Harry repeated the question in English. We followed after them, stepping into the sports centre.

"Hmm. He is pretty handsome," Mako-chan said to me. "Right! Here I go!"

She ran forwards before I could say anything, stopping next to Harry and beginning to talk to him. I lowered my hand and sighed. She really is fearless. I couldn't tell you how she does it.

I tried to approach Chikane-chan, but she went ahead to deal with paying for everyone. I made a mental note to pay her back later and waited patiently.

"How much do you know Chikane?" Honoka asked curiously, walking alongside me. "I've heard a lot about her, but I only met her on Friday."

"Then I've known her for four days more than you have," I replied, looking down at her and smiling.

"What? Seriously?" Honoka said. "That's no help at all…"

"Sorry. I'll try my best, though."

"You're just normal, right?" Honoka said bluntly. "I heard something like that."

"Well… yeah, I'm pretty normal," I admitted sheepishly. I wondered whether this was going to be a problem.

"I see. You must be interesting, then." Honoka glanced playfully at me. "We have to talk to a lot of people just because of boring stuff. But in your case, it's because Chikane thinks you're interesting."

"Thank you. I think." I rubbed my hair, looking down at her playful sapphire eyes. She looks a bit like Chikane, but their personalities are totally different. Was Chikane like this when she was younger? Somehow I doubt that…

"Though I don't bother with that, and call boring people boring," Honoka said. "It gets me into trouble, though."

"What do you hear about Chikane, then?" I asked curiously.

"Hmm. Interested?" Honoka asked cheerfully.

I nodded.

"The beautiful genius daughter of Kazuho-sama, whose talents and accomplishments befit someone twice her age, whose rejected suitors number more than the days of the year," Honoka said lyrically, smirking at me. "Or something like that. I'm glad I don't have to compete with Chikane-neesama."

"I see," I said weakly. I never do get to forget that Chikane-chan is an amazing person, so amazing she's intimidating just to think about…

"Watch out for the other one," Honoka said, nodding at Mary. "She thinks Harry can compete with Chikane, which is just silly."

"I'm sure they're both amazing people," I said. "They're not enemies or anything, right?"

"That depends," Honoka said cheerfully. "Not for now, maybe."

I sighed. They really do live in a different world.

"Let's head to the changing rooms," Chikane-chan said, turning back to us. "Harry, take care of Leonard. I'll look after Mary."

"Will do. Thanks a lot." Harry waved, nodding to Mako-chan and heading out with his little brother. The latter looked back at us with strangely solemn eyes before turning away.

"_Let's go, Mary," _Chikane-chan said, looking down at the girl. She glared back, but followed obediently enough.

I sighed. I'd hoped she'd come to me, but I guess she has to look after Mary-chan.

Mako-chan dropped back into our group, grinning. "That went okay. He'll remember my name, now, so I can try and corner him again later."

"What?" Honoka asked, glancing up at Mako-chan. "You're after Harry-sama?"

"Who is this brat again?" Mako-chan asked, glancing down at her.

"That's rude," Honoka said vigorously. "Honoka. Honoka Himemiya."

"What are you? Her little sister?" Mako-chan asked.

"I'm her cousin," Honoka said, folding her arms. "My father's Eikou Himemiya. Himemiya branch family, taking care of Tokyo matters. You?"

"Makoto. Makoto Saotome," Mako-chan said amicably. "But you can call me Mako-chan."

"Well, just bear in mind I'll be supporting nee-sama," Honoka said, glancing up at Mako-chan. "Even if Harry's not her equal, it's a given. Besides, it'd be interesting if she actually started dating someone."

"Cheer all you like," Mako-chan said vigorously, clenching her fist and smirking. "I won't lose."

I glanced ahead. Chikane-chan was busy talking to Mary-chan in English, which moderately relieved me. I wish I could join in, but I can't really understand what they're saying. It's typical of her, though. She's so kind.

"It's pretty crowded," Chikane-chan remarked, glancing back at us. "We probably won't be able to find changing rooms next to each other. So get changed and meet by the showers, that's probably best."

"Okay," I said, nodding and smiling. We split up, getting changed. Like Mako-chan, though, I was stuck with the swimsuit we'd last worn early in the holidays. Mine was a simple yellow one-piece. I was out first, which left me standing around feeling increasingly awkward. It's silly, I know, but I can't forget my dream… waiting for Chikane-chan to come out is surprisingly pressurising. What is she going to think? Is she even going to look at me?

Mako-chan came out next, wearing her sports bikini. She waved as she ran up to me, closely followed by Honoka and Mary. "Not bad. Just Himemiya-hime now, right?"

I nodded nervously, deciding not to say anything. I've never seen Chikane-chan in anything less than her full dresses. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal at all, but now I had that dream, I'm morbidly curious. Can she really be that beautiful?

Chikane-chan came last, walking gracefully towards us. She'd tied back her long hair into a ponytail, and she was wearing a dark blue string bikini. I tried not to stare. Yes, she really could be that beautiful, and she can be this confident because she's this beautiful. Then and now is exactly the same.

"That's everyone, right?" Chikane-chan asked briefly, glancing at us. "We should find lockers."

"You're even bolder than I'd thought you'd be," Mako-chan said. "That's cheating."

Chikane-chan folded her arms awkwardly over her breasts. "This… was an accident. It was on short notice, and apparently this was the best Otoha-san could do."

"Accident. Right," Mako-chan said dubiously.

"It really suits you, Chikane-chan," I said hurriedly, trying to paper over the hostilities. "You look good. Right, Honoka-chan?"

"Huh? I guess so," Honoka said, a little quieter than normal.

Chikane-chan blinked, giving me a surprised look. "Thank you… yours also suits you."

"Hate to interrupt the love-in, but let's do the locker thing," Mako-chan said, walking off.

"You were the one who interrupted in the first place," Chikane-chan said reproachfully, following fast and catching up with her. "You shouldn't be rude now."

I hurried after them, forcing myself in-between them. They aren't making life easy for me, trying to get them to get on. "It doesn't matter now," I said hurriedly. "I'm just being silly again. Now let's all have fun, okay?"

"I will. Thank you for inviting me," Chikane-chan said, glancing at me and smiling.

"It's nothing," I said, glancing back at her. Since I barged in, we're actually close together. Almost shoulder to shoulder. She has a nice profile too.

Chikane-chan glanced back at the two younger girls, who were speaking loudly in English. _"Don't fight now…like I said, it was an accident, already."_

Mako-chan sniffed, shoving her bags into a locker. "I'm going to go after Harry," she said, turning to me. "So knock yourself out, okay?"

"But I want to talk to you-" I broke off, sighing. Mako-chan had already set off for the pool.

"Is she interested?" Chikane-chan asked curiously. "In Harry?"

I shrugged and nodded. "Maybe. Do you mind…"

"No. If she succeeds, it'd be a weight off my mind." Chikane put her own bags into a locker, before turning to me. "Do you want to use mine? There's still room."

I nodded, passing it to her. "You can look after the key, right? I'm not very good with things like that."

"Of course." Chikane-chan put my stuff in, closed the door and turned the key, taking it. She glanced at me as she tied it round her wrist. "You're still wearing your pendant."

I nodded, touching it. "Mm. Do you think that'll be okay? Maybe it'll come off."

"It should be fine. I'm doing the same thing." Chikane-chan smiled. "And if it comes off, I'll fetch it. It's precious, right?"

I nodded. _I will protect you. _It feels like she's speaking the same way again. I don't know why, but it's a little exciting.

"Anyway, we're going on ahead," Honoka said. "See you!" Her and Mary both ran towards the pool.

I watched them go. "Are they… friends, or what?"

"I'm not sure," Chikane-chan said, smiling. "They're both pretty strong-willed, so it's conceivable this is how they relate to each other."

I glanced at her, thinking about it. That reminds me of her and Mako-chan… I hope it's something like that, anyway. "Can you swim very well, Chikane-chan?"

"I'm good enough to get by," Chikane-chan said modestly. "I can do a little diving, too. Shall we go?"

I nodded, walking alongside her. "I see. I'm not bad either, actually… out of all the sports, swimming is probably my strongest."

"I see. That's good." Chikane-chan glanced at me. "Ogami-kun couldn't come?"

I shook my head. "He said he had to deal with something. Mako-chan was the same yesterday, so it feels like that's happening a lot right now."

"And I did the same thing," Chikane-chan said apologetically. "I'm sorry, Himeko."

We waded through the entrance to the pool proper… well, there's a lot more to it than just the pool, all the slides and things. "No, no, it's fine," I said, waving my hands. "I don't mind. You had your reasons. All three of you have your reasons, and I trust them, so it's fine."

"I see. That's good." Chikane-chan stopped for a moment. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question, before we go and join the others?"

I turned to face her, shaking my head. "Sure… what is it?"

"This is probably rude of me, but I was a little curious… Souma Ogami, what exactly is your relationship with him? Is he-"

I blushed slightly, shaking my head vigorously. "No, he's not my boyfriend. Souma's a good friend of mine that I've known since I was a child. But that's all."

"I see. Sorry for asking something so strange."

"No, it's okay. I don't mind." I smiled at her. "Besides, I did something like that yesterday. Better to ask just me now."

Chikane-chan nodded, eyes thoughtful.

"Hey, you're both slow!" Honoka said, waving vigorously. "Come on, join us, okay?"

The others were already assembled, waist-high in the water. We waded out to join them. "Sorry to keep you waiting," I said apologetically. I looked around. "But it's pretty crowded in here."

"If we split up, finding each other could be pretty difficult," Chikane-chan noted. "We can stay together, or otherwise meet up, say, under the clock at four."

"That's probably the best option," Harry said. "We're going to want to split up. _Okay, everyone? We'll meet under the clock at four._"

"Yes, yes!" Honoka said vigorously. "We're going to ride the slides? Do you want to come, Chikane?"

"I'll probably warm up in the pool, first," Chikane-chan said, smiling. "Maybe after that."

"Then we'll see you later," Honoka said, waving and turning. Mary was already swimming off. "Hey! Wait up!"

Leonard was also heading off. Harry glanced apologetically at us. "I'll go chase him down, okay? Try and keep an eye on the girls if you can."

Chikane-chan nodded. "We'll do so. I think Mary and Honoka can look after themselves, though. No, even Leonard."

"Better to be safe," Harry said. "Oh, and nice swimsuit, by the way."

"Can I tag along?" Mako-chan asked pointedly.

"Babysitting isn't fun," Harry warned amicably. "But if you don't mind, feel free. I'd appreciate the help."

They set off again, leaving just us again. I smiled. Just me and Chikane-chan was fine… no, wait, I'm supposed to be reconciling her and Mako-chan…

"What do you want to do first?" Chikane-chan asked, turning to face me.

Reconciliation will keep. But a day with Chikane-chan at a water-park won't last forever. I shrugged and smiled back at her. "I'm not sure, I haven't been to places like this very often. Warm up first?"

"If that's fine with you," Chikane-chan said, going deeper. "I've been to a place like this… once, I think. With my parents."

I followed her, switching to breaststroke with my head up. "I see. That must have been nice."

"It was quite fun," Chikane-chan agreed, imitating my stroke. "My mother refused to go on the slides, though. She has a surprising block about them."

"I can understand. I'm not so keen on them myself…"

"I see. We can avoid them, then."

I shook my head. "No, I still want to try. If I'm here, I might as well try, right? And I was a lot younger then."

"I see. That's a good attitude." Chikane-chan moved out of the way of someone swimming the other way. "But there's a lot of other things to do."

I nodded. "It should be fun." She looks pretty cool with a ponytail, actually. Maybe I should have done the same thing; my hair is getting in my eyes.

Chikane-chan nodded back, smiling. "Race you?" she asked innocently.

"Ah-" Before I could say anything, Chikane-chan stuck her head under the water and started swimming at full speed. I hurriedly followed her, going as fast as I could. I thought this was supposed to be warming up!

She beat me with every stroke, of course. I ended up breaking the deadlock by grabbing her leg when she was doing front-crawl and letting her tow me, both of us amused by the development. She has surprisingly muscular legs. Not like Mako-chan, exactly, but they're quite strong as well as beautiful, and it's really rather unfair. But a lot of Chikane-chan is like that, and there's no way I could hate her for it.

And then she tried to shake me off by splashing water in my face, and I broke off and fought back, and we ended up having a vigorous battle in the middle of the pool. I had to stop when I'd splashed so much I'd shaken my hair all over my face, treading water and pulling it out of my eyes. "Sorry."

Chikane glanced at me, then reached back, pulling a band from her own hair. "Here. Otoha-san told me to use two… but you can use this one."

"Thank you," I said, pushing my hair back. I bit my lip. "Umm… can you help me? I'm not very good at this."

Chikane-chan nodded, swimming around me. I closed my eyes and tensed, but her touch was gentle. Even so, my vision swam with images of my youth… but they faded as fast as they'd come, replaced by a secure feeling. So I could just tread water peacefully while she gathered up my hair and tied it back. I don't let just anyone touch my hair. No, not even Mako-chan. But if it's Chikane-chan, I think it's okay. Somehow.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chains of Memory: Part Sixteen**

Tsubasa was always wasted on the Orochi. They felt more like his surrogate family with Mother Miyako, or would if it wasn't for the fact that he watched them die in liu of daytime television. But I suppose 'Tsubasa and seven friends who used to be on death row' would be less... fun. So, the least convincing apocalypse cult ever remains.

Except Nekoko. No more nurse uniforms for her, ever.

* * *

"And then Utae tried to defend herself and Hiroha, but Genji doesn't take any damage at all, and then he blasts her away," Himeko narrated enthusiastically. "But Noboru arrives in the nick of time, throwing him back with his sealed sword… so both Noboru and Genji unseal their weapons and fight all out. All Hiroha and Utae can do is watch, but while Hiroha's cheering for Noboru-kun with everything she has, Utae doesn't say anything. It's hard to tell what she's thinking, though. We never really get to see Utae's thoughts at all."

"I see. She seems like an interesting character," I said amicably. I adjusted my posture slightly, kicking the water briefly to keep our water rings close together. We drifted with the gentle current, looking at each other.

"She is," Himeko agreed. "It's like Hiroha is basically always Hiroha, and it's really easy to identify her… but Utae is a really mysterious character. Just like the Immortals, we don't really understand her motives very much. Or even what she is, if Hiroha is supposed to be the Archime. For instance, there was a really amazing moment when the fight was over, and Noboru returns to them with his sword sealed… Hiroha congratulates him, and runs to hug him, but Utae looks over Hiroha's shoulder straight at Noboru and then he flinches away and says he felt like he'd just seen something terrifying. And that really threw me, because like I said, I was really sure Utae was the normal one of the three who'd just obstruct the main couple. That'd explain why she was so frustrated about being unable to do anything, but it turns out she's the Archime herself-"

"She is?" I said, blinking.

"Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell you that until the end." Himeko giggled. "Never mind… well, its not as if she just is. I don't really get it. But she totally destroys Noboru and pins him down with swords, and after that she says that Hiroha isn't necessary, she will become the Archime."

I scratched my forehead. "I thought the point was she couldn't fight Noboru and people like him?"

"I'm pretty sure she changed between the penultimate chapter of the volume and the last one, but it's all really mysterious. She could summon swords and overpower Noboru, but she didn't have a sealed sword. Instead she overwhelmed Noboru and unsealed his sword herself. It was very bloody." Himeko shrugged. "I was really startled, but it's much more graphic than usual for Reiko-sensei. Utae becomes really terrifying. And the volume ends on a cliffhanger, since Utae is going for the dorms where Hiroha is, and Noboru can't stop her. Maybe she's going to kill Hiroha… I'd say that's out of character but the whole thing was almost out of character."

"Do you think?" I asked thoughtfully.

Himeko blinked. "Well, it didn't seem very like her to be so violent all of a sudden."

I leaned back thoughtfully, letting my legs trail through the water. "That depends. What was she like when she attacked Noboru? Was she laughing and enjoying it, or what?"

Himeko shook her head. "She was just really cold and terrifying, as if she was looking down at him with haughter. And her expression didn't really change, except when she scowled at him. She laughed a little, though. But not in a happy way, it was more haughter."

"It sounds like Utae was a controlled person from the start, so if she was just doing what she had decided to do calmly, is that really any different?" I mused.

"She was so kind before, though…"

"I wonder," I said gloomily. "Certainly she looked kind to Hiroha. But from what you've told me, she went out of her way to try and stop Noboru and Hiroha's relationship, right?"

"That's… different, though," Himeko said. "We can understand things a lot more if they're done for love."

"Hmm. I suppose so," I said lightly.

"But now I've told you everything out of order, without even getting to Hiroha and Noboru kissing," Himeko said, before blinking. "And I wasn't supposed to tell you that before the things before it, either."

"It's okay. Why don't you just lend it to me, instead?" I asked, smiling at her. "Then I can tell you what I think as well."

"Would you like that?" Himeko asked, glancing at me.

I nodded. "I would. Or would that be too much to ask, since you've only recently got it? A signed copy, too."

Himeko shook her head. "I'd love to… I'll lend to you. But remind me, okay? I always forget these things, and then Mako-chan scolds me."

"I will," I said, meeting her eyes. It's not as if I couldn't buy a copy myself so easily, but this is more meaningful. And if Himeko is interested in it, then I should be a little interested, too. At least, that's what I feel. I don't normally go this far, but I can't do much more than trust to my intuition again.

"But now I've spoiled all the major plot points for you," Himeko said wanly. "I really should have thought this through a bit more…"

"It's fine," I said, glancing at her in profile as she looked off to the side. The water continued to bob us both along, creating a rather strange atmosphere. Certainly there was a lot of people and a lot of noise, but this river was more scenic and secluded than the rest, so it created an illusion of being peacefully alone. Of course, there are still people on either side of us, but that doesn't concern me. Just watching and listening to Himeko is fine. Her interests and her passions aren't what people want her to do, or what she thinks best; they're what she just cared about from the start, so like everything else about her she's so very sincere. And she's cute, dressed as she is; it really does suit her. It makes her look innocent, notwithstanding her figure, which is somehow adult. If she was wearing something more like me…

My face flushed, and I turned my head away. That dream, why did I have to remember it now? It's awkward, to say the least. I can't let myself think about her in that way.

"But I've only been talking about myself again," Himeko said, glancing apologetically at me. "You should stop me when I'm doing that, okay?"

I shook my head, forcing myself to look at her violet eyes again. "I couldn't do that. I like it, you know. It's interesting."

"There's no way it could be interesting, when I just talk about ordinary things," Himeko said. "And I go on for far too long, too. I can never tell if people hate that."

"I'd stop you if I didn't like it," I said patiently. "How would I say it? Normally, people go out of their way when they're talking to me. But when you talk to me like that, it's more interesting, because it's far more… natural."

"I'm glad," Himeko said, smiling. She cocked her head shyly. "It's not really like me, though. Mako-chan can always talk normally, but I often get shy or run out of thinks to say. But, not so much when it's with Chikane-chan."

"I'm glad. That's why I want you to be comfortable, even if you're talking for a long time," I assured her.

Her conscientiousness is touching. She can get ahead of herself, but she does think about how she's acting in the end. I'd be more worried if I wasn't worried, myself, about how I act to her. So it's reassuring that she's thinking in the same way, about me.

"You shouldn't be afraid to talk to me, though," Himeko said reproachfully. "I want you to be able to talk about the things a lot too."

I smiled and nodded, letting one of my hands trail idly through the warm water. She has a point. I should try to return the favour. We went round the final bend in the river, completing a circuit, but I felt too lazy to move. Just staying like this is more than enough. "One more time?" I suggested. "Or shall we move on to something else?"

"One more time sounds fine, if you don't mind," Himeko said. "It's relaxing, right?"

I nodded. And it gives me a chance to properly talk to you, even in a place like this. That's more fun than waterslides. "Yes. I like it a lot."

Another ring was pushed out from the entrance into the current of the channel ahead of us, though. I was surprised to see it had two people, just about squeezed onto one raft. A teenage boy with his arm round a girl, it's really plain they're a couple.

"I wonder how the others are doing," Himeko said quietly. "I hope Mako-chan is doing okay."

"I'm sure she's fine," I said absently, watching in irritation as that ring turned in the water. Holding each other like that, and putting her head on his shoulder, isn't that going too far in a place like this? And that bikini's too much.

"I hope so," Himeko agreed. "She usually is. But she might think I was ignoring her again."

"Rather than that, she's the one who ran off with Harry this time, isn't she?" I pointed out casually, frowning slightly. I should pop their ring with a pin and see if they can swim. Honestly, getting so intimate in a pool with children, it really irks me.

"That's different, though. I'm still worried about her." Himeko glanced at me, hesitating for a moment. "Do you… not like Mako-chan, Chikane-chan?"

My attention snapped back to Himeko and switched gears. A little shamefully, my first thought was 'damage control'. "I don't dislike her," I said cautiously, returning her look. "She's an energetic and amenable person. I can't say I know her very well, of course, but like I said, I don't dislike her."

"I see. That's a relief," Himeko said, taking me at my word without a second thought. "I know it's funny to say something like that, but Mako-chan got angry me last time for ignoring her when I was around you. That was my fault, of course, but you felt a little tense this time, too, so I guess I got worried…"

"Some of the fault is mine, as well," I said firmly. "I got too caught up in our conversation, so I wasn't as conscientious as I could have been."

Himeko shook her head. "No, It's my fault. Since I knew you both, it was my responsibility. I just think it would be great if you two got along."

"I'll see what I can do," I said, closing my eyes. We went round a bend again, briefly removing the spoony couple from my sight.

Why do you have to mention her, though? If I'm honest with myself, my attitude from then hasn't changed. Always and only you are the one I'm most interested in right now. If we're together like that now, why do you have to turn your mind to anyone else? I can't be happy with just that…

"Thank you, Chikane-chan."

She said that so warmly I opened my eyes again, glancing at her sincere smile. That smile is becoming a weakness of mine, through and through. I'm torn between doing as I've promised with Mako-chan and just staying here, since either might let me see that smile again.

"But you're right, we probably shouldn't go and see her right now," Himeko said thoughtfully. "If she's doing well with Harry-kun, that could annoy her."

I hope she succeeds, since it would be convenient for me. In this strange, warm atmosphere where I can only look at Himeko and wonder if the two of us could fit one ring I don't have any thought or breath to spare for anyone else… my own head has supplied its own problems.

I'd like to hold her, but I can't hold her. It's not something that makes me very happy.

I looked thoughtfully at her, and noticed she was looking at me… as if we looking past each other, at each other. And our eyes flickered in surprise, and there was a moment's awkward pause as we looked up and away. My heart beating fast. This is hopeless, so juvenile, so… something.

"What kind of things does Chikane-chan like to read?" Himeko asked, brightly and suddenly.

I looked at her, smiled, and replied. Better if I just remain like this, her friend.

I'd meant to talk about the simpler of the books I've read in recent times, but I got caught up in Himeko's unfeigned interest again, and ended up being lyrical and honest about the virtues of the Heian period poetry collection I'd been given as a present. I don't think she was bored, so perhaps I shouldn't be so worried about being honest. After that, we decided to continue our lazy approach, heading for the chairs by the side of the pool and sitting down.

"Do you want any ice cream? Or a drink?" I asked, glancing at her.

Himeko shook her head. "Thanks, but I'm fine. I'm not too hungry right now."

I nodded, resting my chin on my hands. "If you're sure, then. Maybe later."

Himeko and ice cream seems to fit somehow.

Himeko nodded, before blinking. "Ah, and I have to pay you back for the admission, too. Remind me, okay, or else I'll forget."

"You don't need to worry about something like that," I assured her. "It's my treat, to make up for me letting you down last time."

"There's nothing to be made up for, since that wasn't your fault," Himeko said. "And it's only fair, right?"

"Don't force yourself," I said gently. "You know who I am, right? Things like this are really nothing…"

"That's why it's important!" Himeko said forcefully, before blushing and talking more quietly. "Ah, I mean… I'm not how to say this, but it's more for me than for you. So I'll never take advantage of you, I want to do this. I'm a weak person, so it's the only way to be sure."

I blinked in confusion, not quite sure how to deal with this. It was flattering and alarming in equal measure. "Okay. But it's not taking advantage of me, or anything like that. I'm sure I'd want to do this in future, in different circumstances, without you regretting it. Because I already trust you."

Himeko nodded. "Thank you. But let me pay for this time, okay? I'm more comfortable with that right now."

I nodded my acceptance. Honestly, it's not an argument worth having right now, but this isn't actually fair. My circumstances and hers are so totally different I could only be comfortable if I was paying for everything. But… I suppose this is also a kind of pride, or conscientiousness. If it's important to her, I'll have to manage.

Himeko glanced round thoughtfully in the silence, then stopped, focusing on someone. I turned, expecting to see some of the others, but it was only three guys I didn't know. So I turned back to Himeko, trying to think of a more comfortable line of conversation. Perhaps about starting university tomorrow?

"Hey. How are you?"

I turned my head back to find them looking down at us, my mind twitching with irritation. "We're fine," I said coldly. "Why?"

"Just wondered if you two wanted some company," the first boy said, smiling. He had sandy hair and a certain confidence that rather irritated me. Don't get too ahead of yourself.

My mind flipped through my calculations. Manners be damned, nothing would be gained by giving even an inch, so dissuade them at all costs. "We're fine, thanks," I said, narrowing my eyes. "We're just waiting for our friends."

"Just until they arrive, then?" he said, pulling out a chair and sitting. "Though I'm sure I'd like your friends, too. I'm Fuyuki. These are my friends, Katou and Yasunari."

"I'm not sure if Harry will like you, though," I said frostily, hoping this would project an image of a burly blonde American rather than anything else.

"He's not here, though," Fuyuki said reasonably. "Though I thought finding such cute girls unattended was too good to be true."

"You're wasting your time," I clarified sharply. "It'd probably be best if you leave before he returns, too."

"How about you?" the taller one asked, looking down at Himeko. "We can have some fun."

"I'm not really…" Himeko trailed off, looking down awkwardly.

I stood. "We're wasting our time. Let's go, Himeko."

"Okay," Himeko said quietly, looking gratefully at me and standing.

"Don't be like that. There's no harm, right?" Fuyuki said cheerfully.

"And she can speak for herself," the tall guy suggested, grabbing Himeko's wrist as she stood.

I stepped forwards, eyes narrowing as my anger rose. "Unhand her."

"She can speak for herself!" he repeated irritably. Himeko just looked down awkwardly, twisting her neck as far away as possible.

As if that wasn't an answer. I snapped, grabbing his wrist and pulling it free before dragging it upwards, locked in my vice-like grip. "You aren't to touch her."

"Now, now, we don't mean any harm," Fuyuki began.

The other one tried to pull free with a violent jerk. I barely moved, eyes regarding him impassively. "Let go, you bitch!" He thrust his free hand towards me.

I've no idea whether that was intent or reflex but I was more than happy to oblige, sidestepping deftly and punching him hard in the solar plexus with my free hand. I let go as he staggered backwards, raising my arms slightly. "I won't forgive anyone who touches Himeko without permission."

The tall one gasped for breath, giving me a very dirty look, but Fuyuki dragged him back before he could do anything. "Sorry to bother you," he said, apparently unabashed.

I watched them go with an odd mixture of scorn and disappointment. It's been a while since I practised, too long. But I'm almost sure I could have taken them apart, and I probably would have enjoyed it. Such bloodthirsty thoughts don't suit me, but I meant what I said. If it was just me I'd understand, but Himeko isn't that kind of person.

She was quiet for a while after that. I suppose she really had been intimidated by that situation.

* * *

When I arrived there, he was smoking and waiting. Green hair flowed messily down his back. I stopped and waited patiently.

His red eyes flickered in my direction and he smirked. "What? You actually came. I'm surprised."

My throat felt dry. "There are some things I want to confirm," I said calmly.

"Oh? What do you want from me, then?"

"The truth." I shrugged. "There are some things I can't believe, but I also have memories and dreams, and I know things I shouldn't know. I knew Himemiya's face before I met her. I knew your face before I met you."

"I see." He exhaled smoke, glancing at me again. "I'd expect no less of you."

My gut twisted. "Not just dreams, but memories. My brother… you're my brother, aren't you? My real brother Tsubasa."

"Do you believe that?" Nii-san asked calmly.

My fist clenched. "I don't know. For now, I'm willing to believe that. There are things I need to know, though. About you, and about Himemiya. What do you intend?"

"Orochi? Does that mean anything to you?" Nii-san asked.

"Yes. I've seen him in my dreams. He twisted us both, he used us both, and… Himemiya used him." I narrowed my eyes. "To a degree, that touch made us all evil."

"That's convenient. It means there's less to explain." Nii-san closed his eyes. "Orochi is dead. Or, as good as dead… sealed, gone, he's no power of this world with active intentions. I don't have anything to do with Orochi any more."

"So, why? Why are you approaching them again?" I asked.

"Do you want to know?" Nii-san asked, looking sidelong at me and smirking. "Souma, what do you think has changed in my life?"

I blinked, thrown by the question. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing," he said, ignoring me. He looked up at the sky. "Don't misunderstand. I still despise this world, and I'd love to destroy it… if that's beyond my power, I haven't found any peace. Our enemies don't care about peace, change, a better world. Either life is meaningless, so I follow the whimsy of the fate that binds us tight."

"This isn't that world," I said cautiously. "Your circumstances can change. I don't understand anything, but if you're my brother, I want to help you. Nii-san."

Nii-san laughed. "Naïve… you're too soft, Souma. It's more than I can credit. Do you think your other brother would welcome me? That Kurusugawa would not fear me? That you do not still hate me? If it salves your conscience to make a dishonest offer, be my guest, but I don't need your pity."

"I'm serious." I glared at him. "Neither of us say anything lightly. I'm sure of that."

Nii-san glanced sidelong at me again. "But we also have our pride. In any case, do you want me to show you? What I intend now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I've found the others. It wasn't hard, since we don't have anything like free will to begin with." Nii-san dropped his cigarette, stamping it out and standing. He glared at me. "If you want a happy and peaceful life, go back and forget me. If you follow me, I'll show you a true and miserable world."

"I told you. There are things I have to confirm."

"Then come." He turned, walking fast out of the park. I ran to catch up with him, struggling to match his extremely long strides.

We walked in silence for a while, and then Nii-san spoke again without looking round. "You and Kurusugawa?"

I winced, trying to find the words. I knew what he meant. "She… rejected me. When I confessed to her in high school. She said she was waiting for someone."

Nii-san snorted. "Of course. I'm not surprised. You're up against a _destined love. _It's almost more than I can bear. You know, I'm curious. Can something that ridiculous actually exist without ending like a mayfly? That kind of wilful illusion can't survive the passage of years, not in this world."

When I think, I'm surprised he had to ask about us. Nii-san isn't omniscient. "I'm not sure," I said cautiously. "But… Himemiya. I have dreams about her. I hope my dreams are just dreams, and no more."

"Dreams?" Nii-san laughed. "Don't misunderstand, Souma. That girl is a rapist, a murderer, a wilfully destructive monster whose nihilistic psychopathy embodied the untarnished ideal of Orochi's perfect despair. That is reality."

"There's no guarantee she's the same person as before," I said loosely, feeling my stomach twist. If Himeko falls for someone like that…

"What would you do, though? If she was the same person as before?" Nii-san asked. "Wouldn't that be precious? It's not a story that could have a happy ending."

"I will protect Himeko," I said flatly. "Be it from her or from you, that's an absolute."

"Did she ask for that?" Nii-san asked, glancing at me and smirking. "Or are you just taking it on yourself, since you're not strong enough to let go. Play the white knight; your situation won't change. Even though you're the better person, that little girl will never love you."

"That's fine," I said, voice strong to cover up how hard his words hit home. "It's what I have to do, that's all."

"Even if that means going against her will?" Nii-san asked pointedly.

I hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "Even then. I'll just do what I have to do."

Nii-san laughed loudly, drawing odd stares from passers-by. "That's good! That's good, Souma. I can feel his voice in those words, Orochi's voice… there but for a few circumstances, you'd be where you belonged."

"Orochi has nothing to do with it," I said irritably.

Nii-san just smiled in his enigmatic way.

We walked a long way after that in silence, ending up in a far cheaper part of the city. I didn't ask where we were going. Nii-san would know. We passed some dangerous looking people, but it was they who averted their eyes and scurried away from us. Nii-san. And in silence we mounted the steps of a foreign apartment block, coming to a stop at a particular door. Tsubasa pushed it open and stepped through without a word. I followed him awkwardly, closing the door behind me.

"Welcome back, Tsubasa-sama." My spine shivered as I remembered that voice. The voice of an enemy.

The apartment was narrow and dark, the tattered, messy room crammed with far more people than it was ever supposed to hold. Eyes looked up at me in surprise and fear, narrowing. Some faces were perplexed, others cold. I tried to remember their names, feeling more of my memories flowing back at the sight. Yes. These people. Nii-san, who knew everything. Sister Miyako, staring sidelong at me with a smirk half-covered by her gloved hands. Girochi, thickset and glaring at me with a mixture of hostility, puzzlement and fear. Corona, green eyes glittering with bemused suspicion as she sits with an arm on Reiko's shoulder. Reiko simply stares at me, her expression completely blank. The one called Nekeko, her pinkish blonde hair long, ragged and dirty, wearing nothing but what appeared to be one of Girochi's shirts, her limbs bruised and matted with filth. Without quite knowing them, I knew them, name and nature. And regardless of Orochi the atmosphere lay heavy here, twisted with darkness and desperation, and it occurs to me in an heavy instant that I've walked willingly into a nest of my mortal enemies.

"So you came," Nii-san said smugly. "I knew you would." He stood tall, gaze wandering over all of them. "I assume you've taken the chance to reacquaint yourselves. For those who don't remember, I am Tsubasa, First Neck. And my brother, the Seventh, Souma."

"Who the hell is that guy, anyway?" Girochi demanded aggressively. "He doesn't fit right, you get me? There's no way I'll accept him."

"I didn't ask to be accepted in this first place," I said calmly. "I'm here for my own reasons."

"Boy's Love," Reiko deadpanned, closing her eyes peacefully.

"Well, speaking for myself, why am I here anyway?" Corona said. "A reunion may be cute but we're busy people. Yeah, maybe I did do something weird with you guys before, but I don't really remember, and I don't really care. I have a life to live."

"Ah. We're just confirming things, and telling you clearly," Reiko added. "We won't be involved with you after this."

Nii-san just folded his arms, smirking. "I saw your latest, Fifth. It's pretty amusing that you'd prostitute even your memories for money. How did it turn out? Is any of this dreck worthwhile?"

Reiko shrugged serenely. "That has nothing to do with you."

"And the Fourth is still a meaningless failure, I know that. It's a given that the Third and Second don't have any hope in this xenophobic country. As for the Sixth, this world has no time for innocents." Nii-san raised his head, looking down at them. "Can any of you stand and tell me this world has changed? That we've been spared by Murakumo's boon? That the lives we lead now have any meaning, any truth, any hope?"

"As Tsubasa-sama says, this world still hates us," Sister Miyako observed. "Only the naïve would say otherwise."

"Orochi is gone," Reiko said briefly. "That's all there is."

"What? Does your vision only see that far?" Nii-san demanded, smirking again. "Have you been blinded to the truth of this new life, this chance we now possess?"

"Yeah. To live without hearing you monologue ever again," Corona snapped. "It's going to be awesome."

"Where Orochi fails I'll stand," Nii-san confidently. "And these meaningless lives of yours, I'll accept them. I've heard the whispers of our sleeping god, and lived through our descent into hell to see the new world created. In this world, this life that exists only to reforge Murakumo's blade, we can break that blade forevermore. We can sever the chains of fate without drawing blood, and live our lives knowing our will to end this world was not in vain, and will be answered. That's what I promise, if you give me just a little time."

I closed my eyes. My head hurts… just as when he was my enemy, Nii-san is something else. He has such strength, such conviction; it's almost something I could believe in. I have to remember, with effort, that what he hates is the world, and everything I love. Even then, I don't hate him.

"The Miko?" Reiko asked crisply.

"There's no need to kill them," Sister Miyako said serenely. "No, killing them would be meaningless to begin with. That won't break their wills. But the battle of our generation was too savage, too close, too damaging. The legacy the Eighth left on our bodies is on the Solar Miko, too, and if it rises it will break them both. We don't need to do anything more than push them… their memories are enough."

"My memory came back cleanly," Reiko said. "Is the Eighth less outstanding than I?"

"Wait, seriously?" Corona asked, glancing at her. "You never said anything at all!"

"You didn't ask."

"Denial is a powerful thing. Just like her last incarnation, the Eighth desperately wants to forget the monstrous things she has done. But we won't let her get away with that." Sister Miyako smiled. "This is Tsubasa-sama's vision. This boon of life, meant to reforge their bond of love, tie of fate, chains of memory, will break all that forever."

"And what will happen to them then?" I asked coldly.

Nii-san smirked at me. "Then the Solar Miko will be free. Forever. What will you do?"

I closed my eyes. "I told you, didn't I? Protect Himeko. That's all there is."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chains of Memory: Part 17**

Honestly, writing Souma talking calmly but warningly about something is rather difficult, since his usual reactions to threats in the show is to shout a lot, and if that fails blow them up with a giant robot... but we do know he's not stupid, so I think I can get away with it.

* * *

_As I dream I am in the same place as before, bound to a torii gate and trapped in hell. This landscape, I'm already tired of it. The broken stone statues of people I don't know, the heady, poisonous atmosphere, the silent, baleful god lurking above me. I'm sick of it all. I am beginning to understand that I know nothing, so why do I have to be trapped here now?_

"_Do you want to be free?"_

_I blink, and try to turn my head, but the chains are still tying me down. She steps round from behind me, walking slowly, gracefully, and turning to face me. _

_This other I is dressed in white robes with a purple trim, and is wearing a horned, dark-brown mask that conceals her face. A purple-bound katana and sheath is stuck into the obi. "I can free you, if you will it to be so. The other hath not the authority to stop me…should they want to do so, needs must your twin would have to come here. Unlike them I offer a choice, but I am like them in that I make no promise of my offering. What you will see by my side may not be what you desire to see, but rather what you fear. But I didn't sacrifice everything to shield my eyes from the truth."_

_My eyes widen in alarm as the other I lays a hand on her sword. Light glows, and she draws it and slashes faster than I can clearly follow with my eyes. I don't specifically understand, but I think that rather than simply cutting, that motion embodies the essence of cutting with a sword in itself. Certainly my chains collapse around me, shorn apart in many places, and I am free. I fall forwards, gasping for breath and rubbing my sore throat._

_The other I sheathes the slightly curved blade in one dextrous movement, hands falling to her side again. She turns away. "Let us away."_

"_Wait," I gasp, struggling to stand. "Wait a moment. Who are you? What is this place? What do you mean my twin?"_

_The other I stops and turns her head back, before raising a hand and pulling off the horned mask. Her face, predictably enough, is just like mine. But all the same, there's a marked difference in her expression, her eyes, and her posture, which feels totally different from how I normally see myself. It's a rather frightening sensation. "I am you…in one sense. And yet not. So the twin who stands above me is the you closest and most like to you, and yet not you, since she stands at the heart of the most recent completion of the cycle. And likewise in a sense, this is you, part of you, a memory, just as I am. So in a way the answer to all three questions are the same, simply 'you' by itself."_

"_I don't understand," I say, straightening and looking into her eyes. "But I am becoming convinced that I can't simply call these images dreams. So I'll ask you one more time, what is this? And what does it mean?"_

"_This is the memoriam of the unspoiled sacrifice, a truth path to our god that will never be corrupted by the passage of time and the whimsy of humanity, or should I say that was the ideal this has failed to totally embody…" The other I trails off, meeting my incomprehension with puzzlement. The fact that her language is so archaic as to be unrecognisable doesn't help either. "This is Ame no Murakumo's will alive in I that is not merely human. Your true, higher self can be reclaimed through reflection and recollection on the I that remains, I and you one." _

_She closes her eyes when it is plain I still don't understand, returning her mask to its place. "Enough. Perhaps in time you will comprehend. First, I must show you. Do not look away."_

_I did not look away, but neither did I understand. All I remember is the blood, the tears, and Himeko's smile._

* * *

I looked up at the sky and breathed deeply, half closing my eyes. After so much waiting, we're finally beginning at university. It's a little overwhelming, but everyone is friendly enough. Even so, I feel a little tired and a little troubled, too. Not about this, not exactly. It's been going well enough for me. It's just… I'm not sure, but it feels like there are other things I need to worrying about right now, as well. I can't exactly pin it down, but that's how I feel. By being here and alone, in this chance for free time, maybe my head will clear, is what I thought. But rather than becoming clearer, I'm even more worried than before. Even more convinced that there are things to trouble me.

I wonder how Chikane-chan is doing? Starting at the University of Tokyo… could you say that she's at once close to me and far away, in terms of her circumstances? I can't really imagine it at all.

I sighed, resting my chin on my right hand. I'm getting to know her, a little at a time, but it feels like I only really learn that there's more and more to know about her, far more than I'd imagined at the time of our first chance meeting. Her polite side, and her kind side, and her warm side, and her smile. How unabashedly beautiful she is, and confident in that, without ever making a fuss about it. And her strength, not just emotionally… yesterday I saw another side of Chikane-chan, her cold anger. I don't really understand, but she was both strong and scary. Just watching her, I couldn't say anything or reach out for her. And reminds me of something I can't quite place, but it doesn't really make me very happy. Since I always make mistakes, it'd be really bad if she ever became that angry with me.

But Chikane-chan doesn't seem like the kind of person who would be angry just if I made a mistake. So just like I thought, I don't really understand her at all. What makes her react like that, and why, I wish I could talk to her about that. And so many other things as well. So much so that even now I want to see her, rather than anything else. She burns so brightly that compared to being with her, my ordinary life can't evoke much of anything from me. And that is dangerous, I'm sure, a dangerous way to think.

I sighed again, fiddling with my hair with my left hand. I'd kept the tie she gave me, since she didn't ask for it back. And I don't know why I did that, either. But I do know I'm tired. My troubled sleep these past few days is starting to catch up to me. I closed my eyes to rest them, letting my mind wander.

Souma's starting too. I wonder if they'll meet each other. It makes me feel… odd. I already rejected Souma, but even though they'd be a charismatic couple I don't like thinking about them being interested in each other. No, even putting aside romance, I'm strangely ambivalent of them even being friends. And that's a terrible way for me to think. But what if they were to like each other and lost interest in me as a result? It's already more convenient for them to see each other, compared to me seeing them. Even if it's selfish, I want Chikane to meet with us as my friend above all, and I want her to think of me too. As if such a thing could ever be so convenient, considering the circumstances. Chikane-chan will be getting to know so many intelligent, wonderful people like Souma. There's no reason for her to care about me.

Depressed, my thoughts slip away, and twist, and _I am running up a dark path towards the Mahoroba Himemiya house, panting for breath. It's dark, and I'm cold._

_I push the grand doors open, and say "I'm home", but there's no one there to answer me. I step forwards into the darkness, feeling an intense sense of displacement. "Huh? Is no one home?"_

_That shouldn't be true, since this place is supposed to bright. This place is supposed to be alive. Her place._

_Clutching a package, I advance through the darkness and call her name. "Chikane-chan?" _

_And suddenly this huge, echoing space is too large, too cold, too empty. Irrational fears grasp at me, since I have no love lost for the dark. "Chikane-chan?"_

_My heart jumped as the music began. Loud, dark, echoing, but it still reassured me since it spoke of her. "Upstairs? Chikane-chan, are you up there?" _

_There's no answer as the music plays, or perhaps the music is the answer. So I run up the stairs, smiling, knowing that soon I will be able to see her again. And I can give her this, and she will smile at me again, and all my worries will dissolve with her warmth. I reach the top of the stairs and run for our room. "Chikane-chan, is that you?"_

_I push open the door, and look into myself. I'm wearing white robes with purple trim again. But this time I'm carrying a sword, the hilt and sheath all in blood red. The other me blocks the doorway, her expression calmly determined. "There are better places than here. I will take you anywhere, so please think of a better place."_

_I step back, staring at her. And I feel a flash of defiance. "This is the place I want to be."_

_The scene dissolves and we're standing on a wide-open beach. "I'm sorry," Bishop said calmly. "But I really can't bend even a little this time."_

"Himeko! Himeko!"

"Why?" I ask just as calmly.

"Hey, wake up, you dozy idiot!"

"Because I do not want to-"

My eyes snapped open and I glanced at Mako-chan. I'd fallen asleep?

See any more pain and suffering. Please understand that.

I shivered, feeling my own voice echo in my ears. What was that? That dream again, I remember all of it, but why is it so frightening?

"Honestly, you're an embarrassment," Mako-chan said, coming to a stop and putting a hand on her hip. "Sneaking off and napping on a day like this, what are you thinking? Just what would you do if I wasn't here to find you?"

"Sorry, Mako-chan," I said automatically, my gaze drifting sideways to the girl who was standing by her side. Jeans and a yellow tank top, long brown hair, green eyes, it was all very familiar. "Ah, the loud girl…" I said abruptly.

"Hi," the loud girl said, giving me a very strange look. "You were at the book signing, right? Do you remember me?"

Catching Mako-chan's warning glare, my mind finally moved out of a sleepy daze again. "Ah, with Reiko-sensei?" I said hurriedly. "Are you her agent or something?"

"Agent? There's no way that could be true." The girl folded her arms and smiled confidently. "I was just doing her a favour out of the kindness of my heart, since if it's her she can't do anything with people. The name is Karin Koide."

I blinked and bowed my head. "Pleased to meet you. I'm Himeko Kurusugawa."

"I know." She smirked when I glanced up at her. "Since you were at the signing, remember? I can remember clearly."

I blushed slightly, feeling rather stupid. "Oh. Sorry."

"It's fine," she said dismissively. "In any case, rather than anything else, I haven't used my name in a while. This is a little forwards, but could you call me Corona?"

I nodded, a little relieved. Something weird like that should be easy to remember, which is good at a time when I'm being bombarded with new names all of a sudden.

"I caught her wandering around, and since I have a better memory than you, I recognised her straight away," Mako-chan said proudly. "So I dragged her over her for your sake. You should be grateful, okay?"

I nodded, standing and brushing myself off. "Sorry you had to see me like that. I've been a little tired recently."

"Really?" Corona asked, cocking her head. "I see. Well, it can't be helped, can it?"

"It can be helped," Mako-chan said reproachfully. "She just needs to go to bed earlier."

I nodded meekly.

"I see." Corona stepped past me, sitting on the bench and stretching idly. "Well, whatever. It's not like there's anything better to do around here."

I sat down again, glancing at her. "Are you a new student like us? What are you studying?"

"Hmm. Oh, don't be fooled. I'm not studying here."

I blinked, surprised. "Then…"

"Well, as it were, I'm currently between one thing and another," Corona said, putting her hands behind her head and looking up at the sky. "And Reiko's been bugging me about it, so I thought I'd walk in and have a look around places like this. Since you guys are all new, it's pretty convenient for me."

"So you just walked in?" Mako-chan asked. "That's pretty brazen, isn't it?"

"Maybe, but it's okay, since so far I've got away with it," Corona said calmly.

Mako-chan giggled. "I see. You have a great way of thinking. I approve."

"You being sarcastic?" Corona asked suspiciously.

"Nope, I'm serious. It sounds like something I'd do." Mako-chan folded her arms. "You can get a lot done if you're forceful, right?"

"Well, that's certainly true," Corona said, closing her eyes. "It's all about manner. For someone confident like me, this much is really simple. Anyway, what are you two doing here?"

"I'm studying Sports Science," Mako-chan said cheerfully. "And I'm going to top the university running team, too, just you wait."

"I'm studying History," I said weakly, wishing I had something more dramatic to add.

"Hmm. Must be nice, being able to do stuff like that," Corona said, glancing sidelong at me. "By the way, where do you two live? On campus?"

"We have our own place," Mako-chan said. "It's small, but we can manage."

"I see. That's nice. I bring this up since I room with Reiko, not so far from here."

I blinked. "Really? You live with Reiko-sensei?"

"I do," Corona said. "It's not that amazing, though. Anyway, I'm going to have to be really forwards again, but it's like this… you probably don't know it, but Reiko is really antisocial, okay? She's so busy with her work she doesn't take much interest in other people."

"I see. That must be tough," I said sympathetically. Is this insight into a celebrity's life? Well, a manga-ka, anyway. Good enough for me.

"It's a pain in the ass, but I can't help but worry about it," Corona continued. "So, basically, would you mean coming with me to visit at some point?"

I blanched. "You're _asking _if I'd like to meet with Reiko-sensei? Socially?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Like I said, it's less good than it sounds, she can be pretty cold. And if this is some weird fan thing, where you can't meet the person whose work you like, it's no big deal." Corona shrugged. "I just thought you in particular since you're here, and if you know her manga stuff it'll give you something to talk about-"

"I'd love to!" I said, rather louder than I should have done. I flushed slightly and plunged on. "That's if I wouldn't be intruding, anyway, but if you don't mind I'd like to do it…"

"Sounds interesting. Me too," Mako-chan said cheerfully. "Though I don't know anything about the manga, of course."

Corona glanced sidelong at Mako-chan, frowning slightly. "Well, if you're sure. It'd be doing me a favour, definitely. But if you're not interested in Reiko to begin with, I'm pretty sure it's going to be a huge pain in the ass."

"I'm sure I'll manage," Mako-chan said. "And how about you? Do you get on with her?"

"I manage, because I'm stubborn," Corona said. "That's also something that comes from confidence. I don't even read her manga, but that's fine. You could say I've become used to her, the good and the bad."

"Sounds interesting," Mako-chan said. "You should be taking notes, Himeko."

I blinked. "I should?"

"Being the friend of a self-important person, an object lesson," Mako-chan said brightly.

I frowned at her. "I assume you mean yourself. Chikane-chan isn't self-important."

Mako-chan giggled. "Ah, you're too cute when you get defensive. Especially if it's about her."

"Her?" Corona asked, raising her eyebrows.

"If it's knowing important people, Himeko won't lose. Though maybe you haven't heard of her, but she's been befriending Chikane Himemiya. They're some crazy ninja samurai businessman family… we knew them since our hometown of Mahoroba was practically owned by them, you see?"

"Mahoroba, huh?" Corona said, glancing sidelong at me. "I've never heard of them. Sounds interesting, though. What is she like?"

I opened mouth to say something, then stopped abruptly. I don't know why, but I feel… strange, again. It's the same as before, what I was thinking about Chikane's coldest side. But I've no idea what it means.

"Oh, what you'd expect for an insanely rich, beautiful and talented heiress. But I'll admit she seems to treat Himeko nicely." Mako-chan pouted. "It's a pain, though. There was this really cute guy, right, and I was trying my best, and all he talked about was Chikane this, Chikane that. I thought having Himeko do that was bad enough, but two people is even worse."

"Jealous?" Corona asked, voice heavy with some kind of amusement. "You should admit it, at least, since talented people are so very easy to hate… working hard won't help at all."

"There's no way I could be jealous of someone like that," Mako-chan said forcefully. "I have my feet rooted on the ground, and that's good enough for me."

"I see." Corona looked up at the sky again. "Well, being near a talented person is interesting, even so. I should know. Just don't lose sight of your place." Her eyes flickered towards me again, and her lips were twisted into a strange smile.

My heart fluttered, and I placed it. This, and Chikane-chan's anger… why was I reminded of Tsubasa?

* * *

We spotted each other almost as soon as we'd arrived at the dojo, but of course we didn't have any time to speak freely and were separated when the genders were split to work. Of course, when I'd polished my technique and shook off my rust I'd blaze through the female side in a hurry and move over to his side, but it isn't as if I'm in a hurry to talk to him. Himeko's friend, that much is fine by itself, but my instincts tell me I shouldn't trust him. And I have always made a habit of trusted my instincts.

Of course, I also know to know my enemies. So I waited for him afterwards, dressed in my normal clothes again. "Souma Ogami, right?"

He nodded. "That's right. We met a few days ago, but it's good to see you again."

I nodded back. "Thank you for taking care of Himeko."

"It's nothing. That's only the decent thing to do." Ogami glanced at me. "Do you want a drink?"

I shook my head.

"I see. Never mind, then." He put his back to the wall next to me, sticking his hands in his pockets. "But I was surprised to see you there. I didn't think you were the type to do martial arts."

"I have that kind of reputation, do I? But I do many things to various levels, and this is just one of them. It keeps me fit and helps my concentration."

"You're good at it," Ogami said, as if begrudging me that. "Your technique is excellent, and you aren't weak either."

"I'm still out of practise, mind," I said. "I need to recover myself. Of course, you were also very strong."

"Thank you."

I was going to say something more, but we were interrupted by one of the instructors, congratulating us on our performance. We made the correct polite noises and sounded interested in joining the club permanently, and eventually he let us be. "It's interesting to meet you in person, though," I said. "I've heard a lot about you from Himeko."

"For my side, likewise," Ogami said, meeting my gaze. "She's very taken with you, as far as I can tell."

"That's flattering. And reassuring. For my part I also have an interest in her, so I'll do my best to get on with you as well."

"Ah." Ogami narrowed his eyes. "This is sudden, but can we go somewhere else? There's something I need to talk to you about."

"Something you can't say here?" I asked calmly.

"Probably. It concerns Himeko and you… and also that man, Tsubasa."

I narrowed my eyes. "I understand. But quickly. If we're drawn into conversation with anyone else, I won't be rude just for this."

"That's fine," Ogami said.

We headed down the corridor, exchanging banal small talk about the usual things. Our subject, our past education, the people we'd met so far. We ended up ducking into an empty lecture room, facing each other across the blue carpet.

"I'll keep this short," Ogami said calmly. "Most likely, you are having… dreams, right now. You dream of Mahoroba, and Himeko, and I may well be involved, and you remember most of these dreams exactly, as if they had occurred when you were awake. Am I wrong?"

"So what?" I asked frostily.

"Have you ever dreamed of hurting Himeko?"

"No," I lied calmly.

Just once. Just today. Something like that is meaningless.

"I see." He has a surprisingly impassive face when he wants too. Even though he was shouting so loudly the last time I saw him. "In any case, I'll say it plainly. I'm not going to force you to do anything- no, I don't have the right to do that to begin with. But I'd advise you stay away from Himeko."

"For what? A dream?" I asked sarcastically. "Or are you just jealous?"

"Himeko is a fragile person. There are things about her you don't know, things I can't tell you, but it's certainly true she's had bad experiences in her life. She's not strong. What's more, she likes you. A lot. She's emotionally impulsive and I already know she's strongly fixated on you. That's why I want you to stop leading her on."

I laughed sourly. "Leading her on? You're an altogether impudent person, aren't you? I don't follow quite where you learned enough about me to imply half as malicious a thing in good faith."

"I know Isato so I know," Ogami said shortly. "You two are rivals, and what's more, that rivalry and what it entails is time-consuming and monumentally important. He rarely rested, and had no time for the people who loved him so much. He only rarely spoke of you but I know him well enough to understand that this was all to overcome you."

"My cousin's efforts are flattering," I said. "I didn't know I made him so scared."

But that was interesting… I wasn't sure whether I should be glad or not. If my serious self has been deadlocked by his serious self, that's a lot better than being stonewalled by a idle Isato. But it also means I can't slip up, either.

"And if I was to ask you now your first priority, which would it be? Your family and that duty, or Himeko and your other friends?"

"It's a false distinction. I can spend time with both, and don't need you to tell me that."

"That's dodging the question, though," Ogami said. "Well, I'll leave it at that, all the same. But especially since you're going here, and are already a very busy person, I'll say just this… if you're only going to disappoint Himeko and let her down it'd be better if you didn't involve her with you to begin with."

"Fine. If you say that clearly, I can clearly reply." I glared at him, narrowing my eyes. "I won't ever let Himeko down. Her and my family both, I'm not a half-hearted person who has to choose one or the other. If I do everything, there's nothing more you have to say."

"You've decided that?" Ogami asked neutrally.

"As if I wouldn't have thought of this myself," I said. "Yes, I've decided."

Ogami glanced at me, looking faintly amused. "That answer is very like you and Isato both, Himemiya." He closed his eyes. "That doesn't change my answer, though… over time you'll only find more reasons to stay from her, for her own sake. Especially since your own feelings are probably less reliable than you think."

I snorted. "And you? Just what are your own feelings? Aren't you going way too far for a concerned friend? But I've already asked Himeko, and you're just a friend. Nothing more."

"I'm a person who has decided to protect Himeko," Ogami said. "That's all."

"And one more thing. What do you know about these fake 'dreams' of mine?" I narrowed my eyes. "You should answer clearly. I have no time for people dancing around me."

"What would you say if I told they're the memories of your past life as the destined Lunar Miko who fought alongside Himeko, Solar Miko and against Orochi to prevent the world from ending?" He smiled at my expression, before darkening abruptly. "Or so it was supposed to be, anyway."

I snorted, turning on my heel and sweeping towards the door. "I'm going. I don't have any more time for this nonsense."

"Thank you for listening."

He wasn't even being sarcastic when he said that.

Honestly, this is certainly more than confirmation that I won't get along with him. It's not as if his phrasing or tone is rude, simply that what he actually says is unforgivably forwards. I trust neither his motives nor his words. So there's no reason for me to give him any regard at all.

I'll thank him, though, for one thing. This insanity isn't just in my dreams or in my head. If Ogami is speaking of it, not to mention Tsubasa, either I have totally lost it beyond all hope of relief or there's more to know. And if there's a genuine truth to this, however sketchy, I'll push past his nonsense and my doubts to find out what lies behind it all. Miko and Orochi, don't joke around with me. I will need to make a study of dreams. I'm sure there's a psychological explanation for such vivid, memorable and regular experiences. If there's a correlation with my own life, or if it's just a matter of stress or displacement, I'll explore all such explanations.

And I'll do one more thing, too. I pulled out my personal planner, bringing up my timetable. If it's dedication he wants, he'll have it.

I stepped outside, checking the time. I still had a few minutes before the next orientation lecture. Of course, I was taking a chance with Himeko, but there was no harm in it. I could always say I would be busy with the Reynolds all evening. So I pulled out my phone and dialled her number.

"Hello?"

"Himeko, this is Chikane," I said, looking around cautious. "I'm sorry to interrupt so suddenly. Are you indisposed?"

"_No, it's fine," _Himeko said. _"How has your day been so far?"_

"It's been good," I said. "I've met interesting people, and everyone is very helpful."

_"I'm glad. It's been the same for me…plus I ran into someone from the book signing, a close friend of Reiko-sensei."_

"Really? That's quite the coincidence," I said. "You must be glad."

_"I am, I am. She says she'll introduce me to Reiko-sensei, even…I'm not sure I'll know what to say, though. The thought of it makes me a little shy."_

I smiled. "There's no need to think about these things. You can feel free to act normally. If it's you, I'm sure your sincerity will be more than enough."

_"Thank you. I still have no confidence, though…ah. Maybe you could come with us? Are you doing anything Wednesday afternoon?"_

I winced slightly. "I'm sorry, Himeko… I'm going to a kyudo session, and after that I promised I'd entertain the Reynolds."

_"Oh, I see. Never mind, then."_

"Are you doing anything on Friday evening, though?" I asked quickly.

_"Friday evening… no, I'm sure I'm not. Why?"_

"I'll be back at my flat by then, so I was wondering if you'd mind if I made my earlier offer up to you again," I said. "We can meet in the park at six, eat Otoha-san's dinner, then learn from her teaching. If you're still interested, of course…"

_"I am, I am! That sounds wonderful."_

I smiled. Honestly, it's amazing this girl actually makes me feel tension about arranging social occasions. "That's good. I'll see you then."

_"Okay. I'll look forwards to it."_

I checked my watch. "Ah, I have to go in a minute. Do you mind if I phone you again in the evening? We can talk a little more."

_"That would be good."_

"It's a promise. I'll talk to you later."

_"Goodbye, Chikane-chan."_

That voice of hers… "Goodbye, Himeko." I rang off and slid my phone back into my pocket.

Such a gentle girl, so maybe in just one respect, Ogami isn't wrong. If she's fragile, I'll protect her. Those aren't words I'll let him idly monopolise. And what I'm trying to do isn't impossible. Mother could keep up her business interests while having a fulfilling relationship with father… she still can, I'm sure. So I shouldn't let anyone intimidate me, least of all someone who doesn't know very much about me at all. Nor is this affection for Himeko mistaken. I can like her as a friend, and treat her as a friend, irrespective of the other side of me.

I'm sure this is the right thing to do.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chains of Memory: Part 18**

To answer a few questions posed... I am aware of the blue black 'convention', and amicably reject it. Is Tsubasa's green hair black? His red eyes blue? And bright colours are pretty. As for length, I have no idea how long this story will last. Unlike the other two, I have to consider the fact that I'll be going to university in October. I can't easily say now what that will mean for the story then, but I do promise I'll do my best write a good story now.

A chapter in which Reiko talks. A lot. I do think I'm going to make the whole Orochi OC by these mistakes... stick around for compassionate Tsubasa, chivalrous Girochi and sensible, upright Nekoko?!

* * *

"Thanks for coming all this way," Corona said brightly. "I appreciate it, since I know you two must be busy today."

"It's an interesting chance, and we have this much time to spare," Mako-chan returned amicably. "I've always made a habit of following up on interesting chances."

"Right? But don't expect much of us..."

I followed them up the stairs, feeling deeply uneasy. Was I really going to be meeting Reiko-sensei face-to-face like this? It had seemed like a good idea two days ago, but… that was too overwhelming, there was no way I wouldn't embarrass myself. Even if I've gained experience in things like this with Chikane-chan, this is way too different. Since I'm a big fan, it's just too embarrassing.

"We're students," Mako-chan said. "Expectations are too expensive to begin with."

"Wise words. Well, we're here." Corona pushed on the door, which didn't budge, then sighed and rooted through her pockets for keys. "Give me a second…"

"Um, is this really okay?" I began, trying to give my doubts some words.

"It's fine, it's fine," Mako-chan said, putting an arm around my head and smirking. "Himemiya-hime isn't the only one who can talk to people cold."

I smiled weakly and tried to keep breathing.

The door opened and Corona stepped through. "I'm home!"

There was no reply as she stepped through. "Sorry to intrude," I mumbled, following after her. We ended up in a small but perfectly arranged living room-kitchen. There were bookcases by the walls, piled high with books and manga of all kinds.

"Is she out?" Mako-chan mused, looking around.

"Probably not," Corona said, sighing. "Reiko, get out here, you antisocial freak! We have company!"

I winced, wondering whether to say something. That was going a bit far, maybe…

She walked towards a particular door and kicked it hard. "Reiko!"

"Shut up, 69th. You're so noisy," a cold voice snapped back.

And now I'm lost. My single coherent thought was that we agreed about the loudness…

"Don't call me that! And don't make me kick down the door, either!" Corona said angrily. "It's important."

There was a moment's pause, and the door opened. "Shut up, already," Reiko-sensei repeated, her expression dark. "I had finally hit my stride and you come and mess things up for me…"

"Never mind that," Corona said, folding her arms and nodding back towards us. "See? We have guests."

Reiko-sensei looked towards us, her expression turning blank. "I see. It's you from the signing. Himeko Kurusugawa."

"Pleased to meet you," I said, bowing my head sheepishly.

"And I'm Makoto Saotome," Mako-chan said cheerfully. "You can call me Mako-chan. Pleased to meet you!"

"Ah." Reiko-sensei peered at her. "Another noisy one has appeared."

"And this," Corona said, putting her arm around Reiko-sensei and dragging her out of the doorway in a way that reminded me of Mako-chan, "is Reiko Ota. She's pleased to meet you, isn't she?"

"I already met them, though," Reiko-sensei complained softly.

I glanced at Mako-chan for support but it seemed like she was still recovering from the 'noisy one' comment. I rallied, forcing my best smile. "Sorry to intrude like this… if we're interrupting something, then we'll leave you in peace."

"No. Since I've already been interrupted by this loud idiot, there's no meaning in going back to my work right now," Reiko-sensei deadpanned.

"Well, sorry for making you show some actual manners," Corona complained, dragging Reiko-sensei forwards again and pulling her into a sitting position. "In any case, Himeko is a big fan of yours, so treat her kindly."

"Fine." Reiko-sensei sighed, looking across at me and meeting my eyes.

Her eyes were very brown, and very blank. It's not the same as Chikane-chan's depth, but you get the same feeling of a piercing intelligence… I suppose I should expect that from someone amazing like Reiko-sensei.

"And Mako-chan doesn't much care for your work," Corona remarked, sitting down next to her and smirking. "Make of that what you will."

"Are you trying to needle me, 69th?"

"Don't call me that in front of other people," Corona remarked, punching Reiko-sensei in the other arm.

"I'm not sure if you two are really close or really hostile to each other," Mako-chan said weakly. "It's pretty interesting."

"How could I be close to someone like that?"

Corona said that passionately, Reiko flatly, but both at once. Mako-chan burst out laughing and even I smiled. But my expression slipped when I noticed that Reiko-sensei was still looking at me. No, throughout that conversation, her gaze hasn't shifted at all.

Corona sniffed, folding her arms. "Don't misunderstand. We're just roommates of convenience. Friends is too strong a word, but there's no way I'd let her sit around locked up in here all day. She'd become a hikikomori in a flash."

"And if I didn't let her stay here, she'd probably be off doing something stupid. It can't be helped, nothing more." Reiko-sensei's gaze shifted at last, looking between me and Mako-chan. "Don't worry. I don't blame you two for this. She's just doing something unnecessary again."

I already felt rather intimidated by the atmosphere, but Mako-chan wasn't. "Hmm… but even if Corona says all that, she didn't say anything like this when she was talking with us. Could it be you two are the dishonest types?"

"Hey, if I was honest about just how much of a pain she can be, you'd never have come," Corona said, putting her hands behind her head. "Anyway, enough about all that."

I cast around for a topic of conversation. "Umm… I've finished the first volume of Covert Eight Immortals… it was very good."

"I see. So you did read it." Reiko-sensei focused on me again. "Well?"

I self-consciously scrabbled through my thoughts. "It was very interesting. I mean, when I think a childhood friend character, I'd think a friend of the lead male. Making it something between the two girls in the triangle, instead, that made the tension a lot more interesting."

"Ah. That was a change I made from the original, which was very typical. Though in the case of the story, it's disingenuous to talk about the lead male to begin with… it's undoubtedly true that there is a heroine the others hinge on. I named her Hiroha." Her eyes bored into mine. "Though of course, the critical factor is still the romantic relationships, so in that respect it's almost typical."

I nodded. "But Noboru still seemed very central. He's the hero in the sense of the supernatural side of the story, right?"

"Noboru is more important than one would normally expect, but less important than he actually believes about himself. That's to be expected, since that person's defining characteristic is probably _unclear sight. _Since he can only be a white knight to a limited degree, but doesn't accept being anything else, he never really recognises the reality of his position until it's too late… in many ways. At least, that's my opinion of him."

Reiko-sensei's voice was quiet but intense, fiercely intelligent. To be able to talk like this with her, of all people, is pretty amazing. "So… because he's a member of the Eight Immortals, he can't really go against them just like that?" I said cautiously, sounding out her words in my head.

"That's part of it," Reiko said. "Not all, though."

Corona sighed, leaning back. "Yes, yes. Anyway, I know we're running out of some things, so if no one objects I'll go to the corner-shop and get them. Can you help me carry stuff, Mako-chan? It'd be a help."

"That sounds good to me," Mako-chan said, standing and brushing herself off. "Have fun, you two."

"I'm going out," Corona said, walking towards the door.

Reiko-sensei's gaze flickered after her. "Have a safe trip," she said quietly.

I blinked at the suddenness, waving at them as they went. Were they being tactful, leaving the two of us like this?

"And what else?" Reiko-sensei asked, her gaze returning to my face again. Her concentration is a little unnerving.

"I noticed this, we understand Hiroha and Noboru's thoughts clearly, but we never see inside Utae's head," I commented. "So her actions are totally mysterious, and she's like the outsider of the three… even though she's the original one to be there alongside Hiroha. And now I don't really understand her motives. Is she a villain?"

"I'll confess one short-coming," Reiko-sensei said. "Compared to the other two, even I have a harder time imagining the world-view of that girl. Like the First, I know the direction of her emotions but not her mind. That is because they are not what I could call _ordinary people_. That's partly why. But also, she is supposed to be seen as the outsider. By showing that, in a way, I'm showing her thoughts. Since they're alike, I can talk of them in one breath, but I'm not sure how I would put it. Their flaw would be a martyr complex, or else that their scale is too grand. They think in terms of the superego, and the words they use are 'society', 'world' and the like. So much so their personal desires are unwillingly sacrificed, and that skewed perspective leads to extreme results. Or so I believe." She closed her eyes. "Like I said, of all of them the First and that girl are the ones I comprehend least."

I nodded raptly, trying to follow all of her logic. This kind of insight into Reiko-sensei's characters, isn't it something you'd expect a magazine to pay for? "So you'd say that Utae and the First Immortal are similar? I'd never have thought to make that comparison myself."

"I'm getting somewhat ahead of myself, knowing the whole story," Reiko-sensei explained. "The next volume will most likely be Utae's story. That would clarify a lot for you, but will take quite some time."

I nodded again. "That sounds really interesting. I'll look forwards to it."

Reiko-sensei nodded. "Do you want me to show you something?"

I blinked and nodded.

Reiko-sensei stood and turned away, heading back towards that door. "My room. Where I work."

I followed her, blinking as she turned on the lights. It was a cramped space, both a bedroom and a study. There was a desk by the window, covered with assorted scraps of paper and assorted books and manga half-open, scattered haphazardly. There was a half-full waste-paper basket next to it. "So is a pro's work-space," I said, half to myself.

"There is only one other person who has been permitted to see this space," Reiko-sensei remarked, walking forwards and stopping in front of her desk. "And that person is neither agent nor publisher." She picked up a stray sheet and screwed it up, dropping it in the bin.

"Thank you," I said weakly. Is she serious? Why is she treating me like this?

"Feel free to look around. Some of the images might be spoilers, though." Reiko walked past me. "I'm going to make tea."

"Okay." I looked around as she closed the door behind me, feeling a little guilty. But curiosity overcame my guilt and fear of spoilers, so I walked forwards and looked at the sketches littering the desk. Just like she'd suggested, there were a lot of Utae. A lot of them were variants on her at the end of the first volume, with Noboru's sword on her back, strange robes and different cold and cruel expressions. But there were others, too. Utae dressed normally, in her school uniform, sometimes smiling, sometimes angry, sometimes pained and sad. I didn't really understand, but it was really moving. Sometimes Hiroha was with her, but the other girl was always less filled in. And one particularly curious sketch, of Utae aiming a bow I didn't recognise… no, when I looked closer, it had a hilt, and the curves were bladed and marked just like Noboru's sword. A sword-bow? But what struck me most from that picture was her dark, blank expression. And there were words scribbled underneath. 'Looked like this? Execution posture.'

I sighed weakly. I really wanted Utae to be good, somehow, but when she's looking like this that's hard to believe. It'd really upset if she was turned into a major antagonist… she didn't really deserve that. Perhaps she was a little jealous, but she was a good friend to Hiroha.

There were other sketches, too. A lot of the First Immortal, with his long hair and terrifying expression. Some of the other Immortals, too, in different stages of completion. Quite a few of the Fourth, actually, which was strange. I picked one up, noting the lavish detail. The Fourth never really seemed like an important character to me… but it's hard to tell what Reiko-sensei is thinking, I've already proved that by talking to her today. But it was all very familiar, especially some of the undeveloped ones. I suppose the designs are fairly typical at that stage.

"So? What do you think? Do you understand a little better now?"

I jumped, startled, and turned to see Reiko-sensei looking at me. "A little. It looks like you really are moving Utae in a dark direction… I never thought she was that kind of character."

"Really?" She walked forwards and sat down, putting the mugs of tea on a pile of abandoned sketches. "Far more than Noboru, that girl is dark from the beginning. If you bear in mind that perfection doesn't exist, isn't a perfect smile terrifying?"

"Um. I don't really understand," I said slowly.

"It's a matter of the public and private face," Reiko-sensei said, sipping her tea. "The existence of those things is received wisdom, a given. But they're structured lies, all the same. For the other, there is a natural honesty and innocence… or should I say she's slow and dull, so there's no room for artifice? And Noboru is very straight-forwards, too, just as the other Immortals are so strong they can freely act on their whimsy without protecting themselves. In all these characters, Utae is the one who conceals her true self as you noted and embodies the perfection of a social ideal." She moved deftly through the pile of sketches, picking up one of Utae playing the violin. "It's left to implication that long since that aspect of herself subsumed all else, but the thing called 'love' has also been growing in her, and she's trapped between the two, unable to move, unable to breathe."

I nodded cautiously. "But why are they clashing? Does she have an arranged marriage or something? Noboru isn't someone she shouldn't love, as far as I can tell, he's practically a prince to her princess. Though, of course, she can't beat Hiroha… I suppose that's it, right? Or is it because she hates to lose, since she wants to be perfect?"

"If you're being pulled in two different directions, the stress is dangerous," Reiko-sensei said, her voice still flat and calm. "And if all you do is stand impassively between them, you will- break." She crushed the sketch. "And most people will fall down at that stage, and those people who can stand and go forwards in that state… we call them monsters."

"Monsters?" I asked sadly. Poor Utae.

"In that respect it is not just that girl, but there is one other monster in the story," Reiko-sensei said. "An individual who can stand up even when dragged down into hell and broken there… such people shouldn't exist to begin with. Saint or devil, it is impossible to call such a thought process normal, or even human."

"I see," I said. Noboru? Normally, I would call that trait of standing up heroism. Reiko-sensei really does have a dark perspective on things.

"I wonder whether you do," Reiko-sensei said calmly, with no hint of accusation. "If I said to you 'forbidden love', what would you think?"

I blinked. "As it relates to Utae? From what you said, Utae concentrates on social proprietary and dignity. So is this something to do with her family, and their expectations of her? Maybe an arranged marriage, after all-"

"Wrong." Reiko's voice cracked like a whip, intimidating me. "Naïve. That would be a family circumstance only, but that girl thinks of 'society'. This is wider and deeper." Her voice was calm again. "It's certainly true that this world is imperfect, since human emotions… human love… are imperfect. Love, which is supposed to be a universal experience, can be so questioned in so many places by so many people. And the normative has momentum, weight, the power of inertia, the base lethargy of humans that supports this. Do you understand? Your mindset in itself, the fact that you haven't realised, shows that inertia."

"I don't really understand," I said heavily.

"If I asked you 'who does that girl love', what would you say?" Reiko-sensei asked patiently.

"Noboru," I replied quietly.

"Remember that answer. But if I was to ask you, who is the most important person to Utae, what would you say?"

I blinked, hesitating. "Um-"

"Why do you have doubts? Isn't Noboru the one she loves?" Reiko-sensei said calmly.

"Well, that's true, but she's also such good friends with Hiroha," I said. "They've known each other for a long time, and I'm sure it is important to her… so…"

"Yes. Correct." Reiko-sensei sipped her tea again, turning her head and looking up at me. "Now, please put aside preconceptions and expectations of all kinds, and look at this situation based on the answer to the second question alone. Who does Utae love?"

I frowned. "In that case, it would be… Hiroha…" I said slowly.

"Yes." Reiko-sensei turned away.

I reassembled the story in my head, scrutinising everything. "So, then Utae isn't against Noboru and Hiroha because he loves Noboru, but because she doesn't want Noboru to take her friend away."

"Forbidden love."

"Because she _loves _Hiroha?" I said. "In that sense… is that true?"

"You're slow. But I should expect no less from you, under the circumstances. Nor can I hold it against you, considering what happened. You're so close now… let me do something. Could you turn your back and wait for a few minutes?"

"Why?" I asked, feeling unbalanced.

"Inspiration has struck," Reiko-sensei said simply, reaching for a sheet of fresh paper and picking up a pencil.

I turned away, looking awkwardly around her room. "So Utae is a lesbian?" I said, unable to let go of the concept.

"If you are this surprised, my foreshadowing is very poor," Reiko-sensei noted. "But no matter. I am no naïve person. I understand well, that girl would never advertise her nature. She would give no sign. Quite possibly, she would only to a limited degree know herself, and possibly resent herself for that. The idea of pride, independence, sincerity in her emotions… how can such things exist in this imperfect society of this imperfect world? If you are someone people look at it, it's impossible to show your sincere self. Barely possible to speak. If they found out who you are, they would make that everything you are, and leave nothing left to call yourself. And yet this cannot be changed, cannot be ignored, cannot be resisted. It's a given that you would end up caught between their hate and your love, unable to live out either path clearly."

"I don't really understand, but didn't you say this yourself?" I said cautiously. "If you're caught between the two, aren't you just going to break? I think it would better to love, if that's possible… even if it's hard… if it's Utae it would be possible, right? Because people look at her, and because she's strong, perhaps it would even be possible for people to change a little."

"Naïve. People aren't changed that easily. And that girl is not strong. She just fulfils the role of the audience's ideal, so in that respect she is following them, rather than them following her."

"I know it might be naïve, but… nothing will change if you don't even try," I said weakly. There was noise from the other room. Probably, Corona and Mako-chan were back. "I think Utae's character is a person who could- who should- try."

"It might barely be possible, but it would involve sacrifice. If you step forwards down the path of your right hand, you sacrifice everything that you held tight in your left. That's not an easy step to take."

They didn't come in, though. I suppose they were talking. In a way, I was glad. "But if you don't move at all aren't you going to sacrifice everything in the end?"

"Possibly. That might be for the best."

"For the best?"

"It is very easy to damn everything and burn the world. In a way, that is the path of least resistance."

"Utae would never do something like that," I said defiantly. I'm not sure why I'm getting so defensive about a fictional character, but… I feel strongly about this…

"Wrong. It has already happened." Reiko-sensei's pencil stopped abruptly. She slid it aside and stood, handing me the drawing. "People say, 'do you want me to draw you a picture' in situations like this," she said, her voice still a serene monotone. "This may help clarify my implications."

I looked down. It was a rough sketch of Utae holding Hiroha and moving to kiss her, the details barely defined, the faces all but blank. But they looked different. The hairstyles were different. And the clothes. "That looks like… our uniform…"

"I know Chikane Himemiya from my past. That girl is the template for Utae Miyazawa." Reiko glanced blankly at me. "Or to clarify, you should probably consider your relationship with that girl carefully. You have the power to break her. And she has the power to destroy you."

I returned her gaze, feeling utterly confused. "You mean… no, who are you?"

"Reiko Ota," she said simply, walking past me and heading for the door.

She didn't say anything much for the rest of the time I was there. And for my part, too, I kept an uneasy peace.

* * *

"If the question is how I think you could be improved… I'd say your honesty, before anything else. I'm not calling you a liar, but you're conservative with the truth."

"I'm not sure I follow," I said politely.

"Case and point," Eikou-sama noted. "You follow exactly. In this case, for example, I already know your intentions. Your family is interested in me, not in the soft sense of the Himemiya family, but Kazuho Himemiya is interested in my specific and personal support. That's probably your motive for this conversation."

"You aren't wrong. But that's nothing unusual," I replied calmly. "However I addressed you, both of us would understand my intentions perfectly. I was merely letting that remain tacit, which could be called politeness."

"Perhaps. I don't have much time for it, though. Nor for all this scheming. I cheerfully have no position at all."

"I would advise you to reconsider," I said. "Even if you were to support Takuma-sama, I would consider that a better choice. It is difficult to deny the impact the succession will have on the future of the Himemiya family… of your family, as well."

"But there's little difference between them," Eikou replied. "Kazuho and Takuma both, they're good and intelligent and skilled people. It's a heavy regret of mine that they must endure such an unhealthy situation, where they are obliged to oppose each other. Nor can one easily pick between you and Isato. I'd trust either family with the succession, that's the nature of your talent."

"With all due respect, Eikou-sama, there is a difference between us more fundamental than talent," I said calmly. "Though I certainly acknowledge Takuma-sama and Isato-sama befit the Himemiya. Perhaps even more so than us. But nonetheless I must say without hesitation that we would be better successors."

"Oh?" Eikou asked, raising his eyebrows. "What reason do you have to claim that so boldly?"

"Because we do not exist in a vacuum. We represent the family, and aspects of the family. And Takuma-sama is indisputably the choice of Shuusei-sama." I stared calmly at him. "I believe it would be a mistake for the next generation to symbolise that."

"Are you criticising Shuusei-sama?" Eikou asked. "Undermining the very concept of Family Head in that way makes campaigning to attain it rather meaningless."

"No. Shuusei-sama and the order he developed during his generation is a monumental achievement that cannot be dishonoured. I believe only this, that the needs of the coming decades are different from the needs of his time, and we must recognise that. Adaptation has always been the highest principle of the Himemiya."

"So why Kazuho? Because she is a woman? Because she is your mother?"

"No. Because she is no heir apparent. She is better suited to breaking with Shuusei-sama's divisive legacy." I kept a composed face. "That is all."

"You're prettier when not speaking of such things," Eikou noted mildly.

My hands twitched. It is possible that he also looks down on us, if he speaks in such a way.

"Well, I will consider it," Eikou said. "We will speak of this again another time. Until then…"

I nodded and stood, bowing my head. "I will take my leave. Thank you for hearing me out."

"Not at all. It's been a while, and in a way solicitation is flattery." Eikou-sama returned to his work. "I'll think about it. Have no expectations, though."

I nodded, turned, and departed silently. He was typing on the keyboard before I had closed the door behind me.

Well, that had gone less well than would have been ideal, but better than it could have done. In a way, I can appreciate his bluntness, since it makes my cause easier. But it also makes me appear so vulgar. I can't approve of that at all. Nor can I be sure what I am fighting against. Takuma-sama and Isato, or the very fact that I am female like my mother before me. If I turn my mind to Himeko, too, I'm again struck by the fact that I'm held back by the detail of who I am. I am sure my life would be much simpler if only I had been born a boy, to grow into a man.

But who I am can't be helped. I won't regret it or apologise for it.

I entered the lounge and stepped out onto the balcony, walking forwards and leaning on the railing to look down, far down, to the street below. Not the most beautiful of sights. But when I look up I can see the city all around me. What I see from where I stand depends on where I choose to look.

Bearing that sort of thought in mind, I extracted my phone from my pocket and flipped it open, scrutinising Himeko's number again. A time like this should be fine, right? I wanted to talk to her again.

I shrugged away my hesitation and dialled, bringing my phone to my ear.

"_Hello? Is that you, Chikane-chan?" _Himeko said. Her voice was… subdued.

"Yes, it's me," I said, trying to counter-balance that with my own enthusiasm. "Is this a good time?"

"_It's fine."_

"Good." I cast around for what to say next. This was the third evening in a row where I've called her just to talk, so it's hard not to imagine I'm going too far. But there's always something more to say. "You were going to meet with Reiko Ota today, weren't you? How did that go?"

"_It was… interesting," _Himeko said quietly.

"Are you okay?" I asked worriedly. "You sound off."

"_I'm fine," _Himeko said, with an effort to sound more vigorous. _"I'm just fine. A little tired, though…it was my first lecture today."_

"I see," I said, unconvinced. But I decided not to press the issue. "I hope that went well."

"_It did. We were doing the Heian Court. It was really interesting."_

"That's good. Maybe I should lend you some books. But most of them are at home or with father." I looked up at the sky. "Maybe I should send for them…"

"_It's okay," _Himeko said quietly. _"You don't have to go so far for me."_

"It's no trouble, you know," I reassured her.

"_Even so…" _Himeko broke off.

"Well, it was just a thought," I said briskly. "But I have so many books I'm done with, so it would be good if I could put them to some use…"

"_Hey, Chikane-chan."_

I blinked. "Yes, Himeko?"

"_Umm…" _Himeko broke off, as if hesitating, then plunged on. _"This is a personal question, and I know it's going to sound strange, but I was just curious…you don't have to answer if you don't want too, of course…"_

"What is it?" I asked kindly.

"_Have you ever…loved anyone? Romantically, I mean…"_

My expression darkened, apprehensive thoughts racing through my mind. I strove to keep my voice calm. "No. Never."

"_I see. Sorry for asking something strange."_

Was she suspicious? Or, no, was that answer suspicious in itself? But I'm not sure if I could lie convincingly about this… "It's not strange. It's rather usual for girls our age." My tongue moved on ahead of my mind. "And you?"

"_Me…ah, no… not really. I don't think so."_

"I see." I smiled weakly. I can't really imagine Himeko with a boyfriend, after all. "I wonder, does that make us lonely people?"

"_I think it's okay to wait," _Himeko said quietly. _"I've always been sure that I'm waiting for one person."_

"I see." My left hand closed around my pendant, wild, half-formed words racing within me. I checked those ludicrous impulses. If that's the case, all the more reason why I can never her tell her the meaning of these shells. "That's an admirable resolve."

"_Mako-chan calls it naïve." _Himeko said nothing for a few moments. _"When that time comes…when I meet that person, will you support me?"_

I looked down, my pendant digging into my hand. There's no reason for doubt or regret. This is normal. This is what I want. "Yes. Of course, Himeko. I'll always support you."

"_Thank you."_

"Why so sudden?" I asked. "Have you found someone like that?"

"_No, it's nothing like that."_

"I see."

And then we talked of things, but that was the only thing I thought about. Where I see from where I stand… but sometimes a bad view is bad, wherever you look.

I hope that is not true, now or ever.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chains of Memory: Part 19**

As ever, all comments are welcome and appreciated. It's always interesting to see other people's perspectives on a character's perspective on events...

* * *

I sighed, turning my head and looking upwards at the sketch. Just what… what was I doing, exactly?

I don't know. I don't really understand anything at all right now. Reiko-sensei, Chikane-chan, Tsubasa, none of it made any sense to begin with. Right now, I feel like I could sit her forever, feeling this stupefied and uncomfortable. Because I'm sure something's happening, there's a meaning, a reason for all this, just beyond my reach. But I can't see it or understand it. So I'm just sitting here lost and alone and a little afraid.

What would Mako-chan do right now? But, I'm not sure I could demand answers, or shout, or act decisively like she could. And Souma is really intelligent, in spite of himself, so once he'd stopped reacting by his emotions alone I'm sure he'd be able to work through everything and come to some kind of understanding, working something out. I don't have the confidence to do anything like that, either. And if it was Chikane-chan, I'm sure she'd be able to control her own feelings and clear her mind with will alone. I don't know why I think that… she is just that kind of person. And just like Souma, she'd be able to understand the situation clearly. But of course, either of them could do what Mako-chan would do, and confront someone, if they had to. I'm not that kind of person. I can't do the things they do; I can only lie here uselessly like this.

I brought the sketch down, letting it rest on my chest as I looked at the ceiling. No, there had to be something. All of those people wouldn't accept me wallowing uselessly just like that. They'd want me to do something, and if I can do something, even if it's only a little thing, I'm sure that would make me feel better, too. So, what can I do? Think. Just think. There's no need for anything spectacular. I just have to consider the situation. Even I can do that.

According to Reiko-sensei, Chikane-chan would like girls. That's hard to imagine… but that's irrelevant. I don't know how Reiko-sensei knows Chikane-chan from the past, or how she could know this, or if this is even true. But maybe that's also irrelevant. Whatever Reiko-sensei is or was or anything, she's either right, or she's wrong. Something like that is simple, isn't it? If she's right, what does that mean? If she's wrong, what does that mean instead? Rather than panicking and going to pieces, I should think about that.

So. Well. If she's wrong, that's easier. I just have to continue like we are right now, right? There's no need for anything to change if that's the case. Though, of course, that would mean she's interested in boys, so if she ever got a boyfriend, I'd have to see her a lot less. Or even if… when… she gained more friends from her University, or anywhere else where someone like her could meet people, it'd probably be much the same. With Souma and Mako-chan, we have a history, and the confidence that comes from that. They will always be around when I need them, and mostly even just when I want them. Though I really like being around Chikane-chan, we're nothing like that. Not yet. To be friends with her to the maximum extent possible by our circumstances, that's the right thing to do, if Reiko is wrong.

Does that answer change, if she's right?

Well, that would be a little weird, and not what I'd expected at all. Since Chikane-chan is just so perfect, you always imagine she'd be 'normal' about relationships. A little superior, perhaps, and probably very proper, but still normal. Beautiful, intelligent, graceful, modest Chikane-chan… but it's not really the same thing. I'm not friends with Chikane-chan because I worship her perfection, so that doesn't change anything. And she won't stop being beautiful, intelligent, graceful, modest, Chikane-chan is still Chikane-chan. It doesn't really change my opinion with her, or the fact that I want to get to know her. But I know that's not really what Reiko was saying, and that's not really the problem here. If my opinion of her changed just from this, I'd be a bad person. I'm not a bad person, but I still have a lot to worry about.

I picked up the sketch again, staring at it thoughtfully. The critical thing is another simple question. Chikane-chan likes me, or she doesn't. Well, things could be awkward if she started hitting on Mako-chan, but that doesn't seem very likely to me. And if she ever got a girlfriend, maybe they wouldn't approve of us spending time together like we do right now. I don't think I'd be very happy about that situation, either. But that's another thing I can't worry about right now. If Chikane-chan doesn't like me in that way, then there really isn't any immediate problem. There's a possibility her opinion might change with time, but I'd worry about that when I came to it. In the meantime, my answer wouldn't change.

But if she does like me in that way, what would that mean? How would that make me feel? I stared at the sketch of Chikane-chan moving to kiss me, my mind filling in the blanks. Her blue eyes, her pale-doll skin, her beautiful body, though I can't even imagine her expression in a situation like that. I flushed, closing my eyes. Yes, that would definitely be weird. In a way, you could probably call it flattery, for someone like her to be attracted to someone like me. I'm not sure I'd know what to make of it, or what to do, in a situation like that. It's a scary thought, especially if she just went out and said it, and I had to reply clearly. I don't have any confidence about things like that. But it would be something, a tie, a connection. Even now, a small part of me is wondering if it could be true, and that it could be great, if it were true. Maybe, just maybe, that would give Chikane-chan an interest in me that could bind her to me, just me, not her friends or anyone else, a way to stay important to her. But something like that's fragile, right? If I rejected her, or if she gave up, openly or silently, she'd be within her rights to move on. She probably would do so. And then I'd end up alone anyway, possibly even faster than before.

I heard the door open and blushed, hurriedly rolling over and hiding the sketch under my pillow. I'd managed to hide it all the way home. There was no way I could let Mako-chan see it. But at the same time, there wasn't really any reason to keep it, either…

How far could I go, to indulge the sense that I want to be important to Chikane-chan? I fiddled with my shell pendant, feeling neurotic. It's not something that can give me peace of mind, now, since if Reiko-sensei is right, my answer may be different.

* * *

"_You know, that one has gone again. She comes and goes as she pleases, and she isn't really interested in you. You won't have to attempt our duty in your lifetime. Even so, you're this messed up." The other I frowns distastefully. "I've become soft and weak without adversity."_

"_I'm not…" I force myself to look her straight in the eye, even though I'm still looking up at her. "I am not without adversity."_

_The other I gives me an unimpressed look, framed by the purple light above her. "You… you have no idea of true hate, true pain, true love. Compared to the clarity I've gained from this, you're blind and deaf and dumb. Don't misunderstand that."_

"_Maybe you're right," I say lightly. "But if that's so, shouldn't you show me? Your hate, your pain, your love? Rather than trapping me here again."_

"_Those things aren't anything you need to see. Or rather, do you understand what true clarity is? Surely you've noticed the true nature of the world. Moving even a little closer to understanding means to suffer. I haven't gained anything by this." The other I shifts her hands, summoning chains from the light. "Except strength. I'll use that to stop you. You'd do far better to turn away now, and return to your own life."_

_I stand defiantly, meeting her gaze. "I'm sorry, but I can't be impressed by something that simple. My life isn't simple either. If this is just a dream, I don't intend to be troubled by it any longer. If this is real, I'll see it through to the end." I narrowed my eyes. "And one more thing. Wherever I go and whatever I do, I won't turn my head away from the truth."_

"_Naïve!" The other I throws her hands forwards, chains exploding towards my body. _

_I close my eyes, anticipating the painful, throttling impact. But it doesn't come; through I hear a sudden crack, and the sound of metal falling to earth. My eyes snap open and look at my hair, another other I, facing the first. Shocked, I instinctively step back across the broken ground, my eyes taking in her red-trimmed clothes and a katana held at shoulder height to her left. This ever-changing, bizarre situation, it's beginning to drain me as much as my waking hours._

"_That will do," the other other I says, sheathing her sword._

"_But-" The other I is cut off suddenly, the chains at my feet dissolving into nothing._

"_Those words, do you mean them?" The second turns to face me, her expression blank. Points of white light float into her body and disappear. _

"_Who are you?" I ask. "Are you me?"_

"_Yes and no. If you need a name, call me Rook."_

_I blink, trying to follow. "Rook?"_

"_She said that, the most complete one." Rook smiles, but it's not a warm smile. It's a vaguely alarming sight. "I'm sure there's a joke I don't understand, so let's just leave it at that."_

"_Never mind that," I said, calming myself with a conscious effort. "That one tried to stop me from going any further, right? But you aren't the one who came before. What can you show me?"_

_Rook disappears, or rather, abruptly she is not there, without me ever knowing why or how. I'm left with the vague feeling she was never there to begin with._

"_What do you want to see?"_

_The voice comes from behind me, making me jump. I turn my head rapidly but there's no sign of the other I._

"_Even if I show you, can you understand?"_

_This voice came from the island at the heart of this hell, and I snapped round to look there. Nothing._

"_There may not be anything you can capture and hold with those eyes, since you lack the vital qualities. You lack understanding. You lack belief."_

_My eyes focus on her, standing in front of me, then snap onto the sword she is pointing at my throat. My heart leaps violently. _

"_Most importantly, you lack will," Rook said pleasantly. Her arm doesn't move even an inch as she holds the sword steady there. "The most vital qualification. I remember overcoming the first two things with will, a will to understand the truth, and a desperation and hopeless despair that forced my hand. And that gave me insight. But bearing a sad fate, a heavy fate, too many times over, you have only the heavy, subconscious despair you can't realise, something that overbears your will and makes your words ring hollow. That is the weight of unbroken chains, but also the weight of my immediate actions. Even so, I have no regrets. I did what was necessary to protect Himeko. I will bear that."_

_I raise my right hand, grasping the stationary sword and moving it away from my body. Liquid blood trickles down my fingers, falling to the floor in droplets. "I don't care about your circumstances. Stop talking around me and show me the truth. That's all I'm interested in."_

"_You're a pretty impatient type," Rook noted, smiling dangerously. She holds my gaze for a few more moments, then nods, sheathing her sword. "I understand. I will give you it, insight. But understand there are some truths that cannot be borne."_

"_I underst-" I am cut off before I can say anything more, as the world shifts around me once again. _

_I am standing in a hospital corridor, looking at the other I. But this is not Rook. There is no fierce, cold fire or cruel regard. I am looking at my six year-old self, so small, so fragile, only loosely comprehending the world. I say nothing. In any case, she does not see me. And sitting next to her is father. He is sick with worry. The child for its part does not understand the situation, but can sense his worry. So she also feels a detached, creeping fear, and tries to bear it silently without a word._

_I know this scene. I remember. Though I was so young, I still remember shattered fragments of this day. My imagination has filled in the rest, now that I know and understand the significance of what occurred here. _

_The nurse comes out, and father is called in. Her expression is bleak. I consider following them in, but check myself. I don't belong there. That scene isn't something I am ever meant to see. So I sit, instead, next to the child-I. There is no sign of Rook._

_There is a long pause, stretching out my emotions on the rack of silence. As I am now, I wish I could do something. As I was then, I'm still just scared, ever more scared, now that I am alone._

_And in the end, father comes out, just like before. But this time he doesn't take my hand and lead me into that room. Even though I remember it, his pained face, and the hospital staff, and mother amidst it all on that bed, her eyes dead. She barely noticed me enter, I'm sure, and when she did the smile she forced was betrayed by the tears running down her cheeks. That scene, that face, still haunts me to this day._

_But this time, father does not lead me inside. He picks the child-I up, and holds her there, his body shaking violently. And I don't understand. Why? This difference. Mother… mother needs him. Needs us. Right now, in that room. We have to be there. Even though it's also hard for him to bear, the father I know, the father I love, he would be there, to show her simply that we were still there, we were still alive. I know that. I understand that. My hand closes around the shell pendant. There is no way he would cower out here like this._

_I stand and walk towards the closed door, hand reaching down to grasp the handle, and-_

_The scene changes. The child-I sits next to black-clad, ashen father. And I struggle to place this scene in my memories. The Himemiya are here, all of them, expressions heavy as the priest chants the sutra. This is…Ukita-sama's funeral? No, he died before I was born. Iyo-sama? She's among the congregation. And however far I look, and however frantically I look, there's one single person I can't see, one single face I can't find. _

_Mother is not here._

_And what I see when I look at the child-I, that girl is lost in uncomprehending darkness._

_The scene shifts again. Father kneels on a cushion, the child-I by his side. We both look across the room at Shuusei-sama and Iyo-sama. We are all clad in funeral clothes._

"_We will take responsibility," Shuusei-sama said. His expression twitched slightly, his eyes focusing on father. "I will see to the girl's education myself. She will be raised in a manner befitting her status as my grand-daughter."_

"_That's not necessary," father said. His face was tense._

"_It is necessary. I have every respect for you, Masato, but you are not your wife. I will raise Chikane to be a Himemiya, as she should be. As Kazuho would have her be."_

"_Don't you _dare _tell me what Kazuho wanted for us," father spat._

"_I will tell you what _my _daughter wanted," Shuusei-sama returned, his voice steely. "And at length, you will understand, Masato, that this is for the best. There is no dishonour-"_

_The scene changes. Another funeral, again the Himemiya. The other I older this time, twelve or so, sitting next to Shuusei-sama and Iyo-sama. My heart twists with fear, since I can find no sign of father. But then I realise, nor can I see Takuma-sama and his family-_

_The scene changes to a darkened room. This time I am sitting alone, facing Shuusei-sama alone. _

"_I am cursed by a cruel fate," Shuusei-sama said heavily. "To outlive two of my three children, the third not worth speaking of… we are blighted. Already the call rises for me to transfer the succession to a branch family."_

_The child-I nods impassively._

"_But let them dream," Shuusei-sama said suddenly, visibly calming himself. "I won't let them have their way so easily. Everything hinges on you. Do you understand, Chikane?"_

_The child I shakes her head. _

"_I will make promises if they give us time, and then outlive my promises. If I can outlive my children, I can outlive my promises!" Shuusei-sama leaned forwards, placing his hands on his knees. "You must become the most fitting-"_

_The scene changes. We sit across the dinner table, and he speaks. "You will go to Mahoroba, Chikane. That place most befits the-"_

_The scene changes. I sit in a tree, flicking through the book in my lap. My small body is so high above the ground but there is no sign of hesitation or fear. I am comfortably myself. And the panorama of Mahoroba stretched out all around me-_

_The scene changes. A red moon glows in the sky._

And I wake.

* * *

I sit patiently, looking out the window at the city below. And a thousand thoughts occur, chasing each other in circles inside my head. Far from clarity, this is something more like madness. I can't welcome it.

Otoha-san entered, her reflection in the window stopping and glancing at me. "Breakfast is ready, Ojou-sama. Is there something wrong?"

"Yes. I am altogether not as well as I could be," I said flatly. "I'm taking a few minutes to pull myself together before I come before the Reynolds and the others."

"What's wrong?" Otoha-san said, now openly worried. I suppose it's rare enough I admit I am in trouble. "Do you need any medical attention?"

"It's nothing like that," I said. "I just have so much to think about that I need the chance to think them through. That's all."

"I see." Otoha-san stepped forwards, sitting on the bed. "Isn't that a problem that would disappear rather than be aggravated if you went out to interact with the others?"

"I wonder," I said, touching the glass. "I'm not sure if this is so simple as well that."

What I've gained is… insight.

"Would you like some tea while you're waiting?" Otoha-san asked.

I smiled despite myself at that. A typical answer to all of life's problems. "I appreciate the thought, but no. I will be having my breakfast soon enough."

"As you wish."

I've gained insight, but I still lack truth. I know there is a puzzle, but I can't do anything more than frame it in simple terms. It involves Himeko, and Ogami, and myself. Tsubasa, too. Orochi. Mahoroba and the school there. Swords. Torii gates and petrified arrow-riddled statues. My past lives and unpleasant actions. Blood. The act of me killing Himeko. A truth that would be dangerous for me, if only I understood it. My fingers danced across the glass. Even if I have nothing more than pieces, they're more than grim enough for me to feel a quiet despair.

"There's a tree, isn't there?" I asked thoughtfully.

Otoha-san frowned. "Ojou-sama?"

"In front of the Himemiya house at Mahoroba, there's a particular tree," I said. "It is very climbable. Even a child could manage it, if they were confident and dextrous, and enjoy a view of the entire city from a comfortable branch."

Yes, a tree is also a small part of the puzzle.

"I'm afraid I have little knowledge of that place," Otoha-san said. "Why do you mention this so suddenly? Have you heard from Isato-sama?" Her expression shifted subtly. "Or is this Kurusugawa-san?"

"I'm not sure. It's just something I heard."

Yes, I'm almost sure that Otoha-san does not remember anything at all about this. Most likely, Saotome is the same. But Tsubasa does remember. I suspect Ogami does remember, too. That's also a factor. Who remembers, and when, and why.

"Are you sure you're not mistaking this for the tree you climbed so much in our Kobe house?" Otoha-san asked.

I shrugged. "It's possible."

Yes, there are also similarities between the two, that outweigh ordinary probabilities at times. That, too, is part of it. The scale of what I am trying to understand is so great I'm all but crushed beneath it. But now I'll take back what I said before. I'm sure that there's something to understand. If this is madness, I'll stop fighting. And if it isn't, my opinion hasn't changed at all.

Of course, there's also Himeko, someone I must worry about in a very conventional way. My life has become very complicated since I met her. But even now, I don't really regret it.

"Forgive me for this, Ojou-sama. But if you don't begin to move soon you will be in danger of missing your first lecture. Shall I bring your breakfast up here?"

I looked into the reflection of her earnest eyes. I had forgotten that, in the middle of all this. She is always watching my back, of course, no matter what I am going through. For her sake, too, then, I can't afford to hesitate. "No, I'm sorry for this," I said, standing and turning to face her. "I'll go down right away."

"It would be no trouble," Otoha-san assured me.

"Then it will be no trouble to go down to it," I replied, smiling at her. She appeared to accept that so I carried on, walking out of my room and heading down the corridor towards the dining room.

Of course, the shadows of my dream still lingered over me. What disturbed me most of all, perhaps, was one thing… not that my mother could die at that time, and my father be shoved aside, and Isato and his family die, since tragedies do occur in this world… but that in spite of all this, I could still climb a tree and read a book with a smile. Perhaps that is just part of what it means to be human and young. Wounds close fast, scab over and heal without a trace, be they literal or metaphorical. But it's still not something I can easily accept.

Why did they die then, and live now? What is the heart of this puzzle? I don't know, and I'm not even sure if I want to know the answer to all my questions. But it's not like me to turn my back and pretend none of this ever happened.

When I entered the dining room, only Harry and Honoka were there. They both greeted me. "Good morning," I replied, sitting in my place and looking around. "I take it Eikou-sama and Andrew-sama have already eaten?"

Harry nodded. "While my siblings are still in bed. It's lonely, isn't it?"

"I envy them," Honoka said. "I wish I got to bunk off school to go on random holidays."

"Private schools start and end their terms at different times," Harry said. "And the times are different in different countries, too. We all have a bit more time."

Honoka sighed. "Yes, yes. It's still cheating, though."

"Well, I don't envy the two of you, already working hard," Harry agreed.

I sighed, smiling slightly. Perhaps Otoha-san had been right after all, and what I needed was normalcy. "You say that, but I do know it's not as if you're not doing work yourself."

"Doing odds and ends for dad doesn't count as work," Harry said.

I broke open my chopsticks, reaching for the fish. "I wonder about that."

"Gochisōsama deshita," Honoka said, putting her chopsticks aside. "Anyway, I've got to shoot off. Practise in the mornings, remember?"

I nodded, smiling at her. "I see. Have a safe trip, then."

"Have fun," Harry said.

"Later."

I watched her as she hurried out. "In such a hurry, isn't she? But she's really quite cute in her uniform, don't you think?"

"I wouldn't know," Harry said. "A bit young for me."

I smiled at that, sipping my orange juice. "She's legal here, you know."

"I'm pretty sure Chikane-sama shouldn't be saying such wicked things about her niece."

"Knowing her, she'd find it funny," I said. "But you'll have to forgive me, my sense of humour is on the black side this morning."

"Is anything wrong?" Harry asked worriedly.

I shook my head. "It's nothing, really. I just felt a little rough when I got up."

"Mornings can be tough, yeah," Harry said sympathetically.

I glanced at him. "And you? Do you have any useful ways of overcoming that, then?"

"I find coffee helps." I made a face and Harry smiled. "Well, I guess tea works too."

"Even if it doesn't, some cures are worse than the disease," I said. "I feel that way about coffee."

"It's not too bad. Like anything else, it's an acquired taste." Harry sighed. "If I had more time, I'd prove that to you."

I glanced at him. "It's tomorrow, no? It's a shame."

Harry nodded. "Exactly. It feels like we just get to know each other, and now we go our separate ways. I can't say I'm not getting used to occasions like this, but they're always troublesome."

I nodded. "Well, just as long as a meeting and a parting is better than no meeting at all."

"That's certainly true," Harry agreed. "You've done a lot for us, so I'm indebted to you."

"It's nothing. I could have done more. Either way, I'm glad. I've also enjoyed my time with you all." To my surprise, I was actually sincere about that.

"Really? I'm glad. I was afraid we were imposing on you."

I nodded. "When I first heard of you, I was apprehensive," I said. "But rather than it being an imposition, it was enjoyable and interesting in its own right. You have a good family."

"And a noisy one," Harry said. "But I'm still glad. I know you're worrying about other things too, right now. Himeko… that's right, isn't it? I can remember because it's in both your names."

"I worry more about Mary than Himeko, though," I teased. "One is more dependable than the other."

"Maybe," Harry admitted. "But I know you have your own friends, so I do appreciate what you've done."

"I told you, this much is nothing," I said firmly. "More importantly, what are you going to do now? Kyoto is next, right?"

Harry nodded. "Your mother's area of influence. Maybe we'll encounter her there."

"You're learning." I smiled. "Well, not that she'd come out for small-timers like you guys."

Harry smirked. "Yes, yes. I'll look forwards to it. How about you? What are you going to do now?"

"Nothing you wouldn't expect. I have a university to attend, extra-curricular activities to practise, a household budget to balance." I smiled apologetically at him. "Disappointingly boring, I know."

Harry nodded, putting his chopsticks aside. "Well, I expected all those things. But are you doing anything with your friends?"

"I have something planned."

"Does it involve Himeko?"

"Maybe." I chewed a mouthful of rice, watching him thoughtfully.

"I thought so."

I swallowed. "What? You're pretty interested in her, all of a sudden. I can't recommend a summer romance."

"I'm just interested in people you're interested in," Harry retorted. "I think she counts."

"Perhaps."

"Definitely." Harry smiled. "The shell thing is really weird, though. It's right up there with wearing matching clothes, if you know what I mean."

"I don't remember having a long-lost fraternal twin," I said, reaching for another piece of fish.

Harry laughed. "Fine, fine. Have it your way."

I smiled. "Your Japanese has been getting better."

"Thanks. I wish I could say the same about Honoka's English."

I raised my eyebrows. "That bad?"

"She has more passion than penchant. Though I suppose that's better than the other way round…"

"Indeed. How is Mary getting on?"

"Not bad." Harry shrugged. "Though I think she's realising how far she has to go."

"Well, her efforts are appreciated," I said, putting my chopsticks down. "And its about time I went after Honoka, I'm afraid. I'll be back for dinner, at the latest."

Harry nodded. "Could you give me a second, then? We're probably going to be rushed off our feet tomorrow, so…"

I nodded, watching and waiting patiently as he scrambled through his pockets, pulling out a pad of paper and a pen. He scribbled a number and tore it off, passing it to me. "Here. Normally I'd give you our card, but I suspect you have that number already. This one's a little more private."

I took it. "Thank you. Can I borrow that?" I took the pen and paper, writing the phone number of my apartment down and passing it back to her. "Likewise. Though there are so many Himemiya business cards you'd have a harder time of it."

"I suspected as much." Harry pocketed paper and pen. "Thanks. And, well, it's hard to say something like this without sounding like an idiot, but… if you ever want to talk about something, or just chat more generally, feel free to call me. I'm in most evenings."

"Likewise," I said, smiling at him. "Tell me if you meet any cute girls worth the whistling."

"I'll bear that in mind…"

I waved, turned on my heel and walked away. "See you later."

Not just Otoha-san, but Harry and his family and Honoka and even Saotome. 'Normal life' isn't just a hypothetical, so it's important that I don't lose my sense of perspective, or sight of my goal. Just to have a normal life as your friend, Himeko, is more than enough.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chains of Memory: Part 20**

First comes the quiet...

* * *

In a way, it was… nostalgic, to be waiting for her here at this place and in this time. Even though it wasn't very long ago at all, the first time, but my circumstances are different now. I don't really understand, but… no, there is no but. I don't really understand anything, so I feel a different kind of apprehension now, compared to when I met her here. And so almost as soon as I'd become comfortable with our interactions I lose all my confidence, all of that comfort. I don't really know what to do.

She came for me, dressed in a black dress. Her blue eyes fixed themselves on me and she raised a hand in greeting. I waved back as she approached. "Good evening, Chikane-chan."

"Good evening," Chikane-chan said politely. "I hope I didn't keep you waiting."

I shook my head, smiling awkwardly. "No. I'm fine. I'm sorry I made you come all this way."

"I see. It doesn't matter." Chikane-chan smiled at me. "Shall we go straight away? Or would you prefer to go through the park first."

"That would be nice." I frowned. "Though, we might meet Tsubasa again…"

"It's strange to be comfortable, using that name freely," Chikane-chan observed quietly. "In any case, I think I know where he usually is. We just have to avoid that place… or even if we meet him, I can protect you."

"I know," I said. "I just don't want you to endanger yourself, too."

"Thank you for that thought." Chikane-chan cocked her head at me. "Shall we go?"

I nodded, following her into the park. There were still a lot of people around, but I found it hard to pay attention to any of that. Even though this place is still pretty, I feel distracted today.

Chikane-chan glanced back at me. The pink shell of her pendant was colourful against her throat. "Are you okay? You look tired."

"I'm fine," I said, managing to smile. "I've just been having a very busy week."

"With Reiko-sensei, too." Chikane-chan's gaze flickered over me. "Did you bring the manga you were talking about?"

I nodded, touching my bag. "Since Mako-chan reminded me," I said sheepishly.

"I see. That's good." Chikane-chan looked ahead again, taking us off our usual path and down a side one away from the centre and the playground. Where we'd met him before. "I'll look forwards to reading it."

"I'd be interested to hear your thoughts, too," I said. In reality, I'm more than a little apprehensive, after everything Reiko-sensei said. There's no way I could have guessed this book had some kind of significance concerning Chikane-chan. But she might guess, herself, or at least sense something, since she's a smart person. And that would… that would…

I sighed weakly. I don't even know any more. No wonder I don't have any confidence.

"I'd be happy to give them," Chikane-chan returned quietly. She walked a half-pace ahead of me; her eyes focused on the distance.

I looked at her. Maybe she was tired or distracted herself, right now? No, I should also remember to talk to her. "So the Reynolds have left today?" I asked. "You must be a little lonely."

"I only got to know them recently. But I suppose it's a shame, after all," Chikane-chan said. "They were surprisingly amicable people, quite unlike my expectations."

"It's a pity to have to part so soon," I said.

Chikane-chan nodded. "But that's what happens. These things can't be helped."

I nodded, watching her thoughtful face carefully. It's hard for to imagine her thoughts. Light pooled about her as she stepped into the circle of a streetlight, casting a long shadow behind her that faded as she stepped forwards. I followed her, experiencing the same thing.

"I've become rather good at their games, though," Chikane-chan said with a touch of humour. Her expression snapped back from that distance, looking at me again. And that was a relief of a kind. "I even managed to beat Leonard this morning, though I suspect that was more luck than skill."

I smiled, remembering what she'd said about him before. "Congratulations. I wish I could have played… though I'm never any good at things like that."

"Do you have a games console, Himeko?" Chikane-chan asked curiously. "Or Saotome, or Ogami?"

I shook my head. "Not that I know of. Ogami-kun played with friends occasionally, I believe."

"I see." Chikane-chan sighed lightly. "Maybe I should get one myself. But I'm not sure if I'd have the time spare to justify the investment."

We walked into the grey half-light of the evening again. "You're still doing a lot of things, aren't you?" I said. "Are you really going to be okay?"

"I'm not sure." Chikane-chan stopped for a moment and looked around, before striking out across the grass. "I'd like to keep everything up, but my university work may make that impossible. I'll have to see how far I can go."

"You remind me of Mako-chan," I said. "She always takes part in a lot of club activities, too. Compared to that, I'm not doing very much."

"That's not true. You've been working on your cooking."

"Maybe, but that's all I do," I said. Grass brushed lightly against my feet; a reminder of Mahoroba's long lost open spaces and flowing greenery. Even in this park, it's hard to forget that this is a city of so many people. "Compared to you and the others, who are all multi-talented, I feel quite plain."

"It's fine to be that way, I think," Chikane-chan said quietly. "It's really quite hard to have a true sense for more than a few things at a time. But you can become really good at what you want to do, and focus your energy on that alone. I can't do that."

"I'm sure you could if you wanted to," I said. "And you're already good at everything you do, right?"

"Being a polymath is a gimmick. Without focus, I can't say I actually belong to anything." Chikane smiled wanly. "Nor can I say that any of these hobbies chosen only for the regard people have for them really belong to me. I've said this before, but your interest is much more sincere."

"Thank you." We stepped back onto a path, walking past a group of students lounging around and talking. "You work hard to please people, though," I said. "It's admirable."

"I wonder," Chikane-chan said ambiguously. "I'm sorry for being so self-pitying, in any case. Do you have any other interests?"

"It's not being self-pitying," I said firmly, frowning unhappily when she didn't reply. "If Chikane-chan feels that way, I want you to say it. Otherwise I'll never learn these things at all."

"Thank you." Chikane-chan stopped for a moment, glancing back and letting me catch up. "That's why I'm also interested, though… in your hobbies."

My brow creased as I tried to think of something interesting to mention. This feels rather pressurising. "Apart from what I've told you, there's only so much. I tried drawing when I was younger, though I wasn't very good at it. And I also tried photography."

"Photography?"

"Though I'm a complete amateur." I scratched my chin, trying to match her pace as we carried on walking again. "I just took photos of interesting things with a cheap camera."

"That sounds interesting. Do you have any albums?"

"I do. But I left them at home." I gave her a sheepish smile. "I stopped doing it, since it felt like it took a lot of time for something no one ever looked at."

"That's a shame. I'd have liked to see your photos," Chikane-chan said. "Tell me if you ever pick it up again. I think that would be interesting."

"Maybe I should."

"It's always good, when you can do something you want to do in your own time." Chikane-chan stepped deftly to one side, letting a salaryman with a bag walk past us. "In any case, how was your day?"

"It was fine," I said. "Finishing my first week was a relief. I have a lot to do over the week-end, though."

"Am I keeping you?" Chikane-chan asked. "I know you must be busy right now."

"It's fine." I played with my hair, glancing nervously at her. "Rather, I should be the one to ask that. You're a busy person."

"That's why I value time like this." Chikane-chan stepped on ahead, forcing me to jog slightly to keep up. "I'm thankful."

I flushed slightly. "And… um, how about your day?"

"I managed to see the Reynolds off properly in lunchtime," Chikane-chan said. "Oh, I forgot to mention, but they all say hi. I'm indebted, since they enjoyed meeting other people here."

"That was nothing. I enjoyed meeting them." I glanced at Chikane-chan. "And Harry-kun? Are you going to miss him?"

"A little. He proved to be a reasonable friend."

I panted slightly, realising how unfit I was. Mako-chan was right; I really needed to do something about that. "I see. Have you made any more friends at university?"

"They're all amicable people," Chikane-chan said. "I get on with them. But I have so many things to do outside in my spare time, so to a degree, I already feel like something of an outsider."

"That's a shame," I said, uncomfortably aware that I was one of those things. But I couldn't quite put into words a wish for her to avoid going out of her way for me, even if it was the right thing to say. "I'm sure you'll feel more welcome as time passes."

"Hmm. Well, even if that was the case, I wouldn't be used to it," Chikane-chan said. "And you?"

"It's been a little tough," I admitted. "I'm not really confident in these kinds of situations, so even though everyone's really friendly I'm not sure what to talk about."

"That's surprising," Chikane-chan said. "You managed fine with me, right? I thought you were quite outgoing in our first few meetings."

"That's… different." I looked down at the grey path. "You treated me very kindly. I can't expect that from everyone else, since everyone's busy and glad to meet each other, as well."

"Even so, I'm sure that if you just talked to them in the same way, they'd be friendly," Chikane-chan said. "I didn't consciously act above my feelings in our first meetings, you genuinely interested me."

"I don't have confidence," I said. "Though I'll do my best to get to know the others more."

"Just as long as you don't forget me." Chikane-chan half-smiled at me, her long hair moving slightly as she turned her head. How she's dressed now is like and unlike our first meeting… I think she looks older, in a good way. Even more mature than usual.

"That- won't happen," I said, almost to myself.

We passed someone smoking, making me jump, but it was only someone I didn't know. Not Tsubasa. There wasn't any need to panic.

"In any case, we'll both have to do our best." Chikane-chan glanced up at the sky thoughtfully. "Though I can't ever feel comfortable with saying something like that."

I giggled. That was very her. "Yes."

"Yes to which, I wonder?" Chikane-chan carried on up the path, with another exit in sight. "In any case, though it's a shame that the Reynolds are gone, it's also something of a relief to return to my apartment."

"I've been wondering about that," I said. "If you have a relative living so close, couldn't you stay with them?"

"It's hard to be a respected tenant or freeloader," Chikane-chan said. "To stand on the same ground as Eikou-sama and his family, it's important if I'm standing on my own feet to begin with. Well, as if I'm not simply borrowing mother's resources. But it's her I represent, too." Chikane-chan met my eyes again. "I suppose I'm not making very much sense. It's hard to explain."

"No, I understand, a little." I smiled. "Even though our circumstances are different, but until now with our flat I never really understood owning something in that way. It does make you feel independent, after all."

Chikane-chan nodded. "Though for my part, there's little merit in it."

I glanced at her curiously. "You know, you make me a little curious, sometimes."

Chikane stopped in front of the gates, glancing back at me. "Curious?"

"How would put it?" I said, wondering what I was actually saying. "When you talk about your family, sometimes you're proud, and sometimes it's like you're ashamed… and when you talk about yourself, too. At least, that's just how it seems to me. So I'm never quite sure what to think, or how to reassure you."

"Do I come across like that?" Chikane-chan frowned. "Even I can't easily put it into words, but I'm always acutely aware of our privilege. But I also know how hard mother works, and father too, they've given up many things. So I know that my dedication is my justification, yet I'm not always proud of how I act. Is there really anything to me beyond my privilege, and what I do to justify it to myself?" She put a hand on the gate, her free hand curling into a fist. "I can't really answer questions like that."

"I don't really understand, but you're fine the way you are," I said. "There's no need to justify yourself, since just like your parents, you're only a good person. I don't think that has anything to do with privilege."

Chikane-chan smiled weakly. "Maybe you're right."

"But you can continue to do what you do, if it's what you want to do. It's your way of smiling brightly, and I do prefer the Chikane-chan who can talk proudly about important things."

Chikane-chan gave me a surprised look. "Thank you. I suppose I've been worrying you…"

I shook my head, blushing. "You shouldn't worry about worrying me. Especially if you feel lonely."

Chikane-chan smiled, this time more confidently. "I see. Then let me return the favour. I'm sure you also have fear and loneliness, in your own way."

"A little," I admitted, deeply uncomfortable at the reversal.

"If there's anything, I'll bear it. I'm sure you're fine as you are, too."

"I hope so," I said shyly, looking down at the floor and groping for a change of subject. "Ah." I looked up then stopped.

Chikane-chan met my eyes, gesturing for me to come. "Let's go together, shall we?"

I nodded and smiled, walking alongside her. And while my doubts and my confusion are still palpable, they feel so remote… what is it about her presence? Just being around Chikane-chan traps me into a atmosphere, a pace I can't really recognise. Conversation comes easy, and confidence, and even though I feel abnormal in this way I'm energised rather than drained by it. Such a strange and memorable experience. I'm beginning to understand, just a little, that there could be a danger in that. A danger in this happiness amidst too many doubts. But like those doubts, that fear feels so faraway, talking to her peacefully like this.

* * *

"I'm back." I stepped in, holding the door for Himeko.

"Sorry for intruding," Himeko said, stepping after me. Her gaze shifted to focus on Otoha-san.

"Himeko, this is my attendant and assistant, Otoha-san," I said smoothly. "Otoha-san, my important friend, Kurusugawa Himeko."

"It's an honour, Kurusugawa-sama," Otoha-san said, bowing deeply. She was dress in a long black skirt and a white sweater, making her look almost motherly. But her face is young, of course, and her eyes pierced Himeko as she stood again.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Himeko said, bowing nervously. "I'll be in your care…"

"Please come through." Otoha-san bowed again, shooting Himeko a look before retreating.

I smiled at her back, sliding off my shoes and putting on slippers. It looks like Otoha-san still has her reservations about Himeko. But that can't be helped. I know she won't act against my intent. "Please make yourself at home," I assured Himeko, watching her struggle to put on slippers. "If you need anything, just ask."

Himeko nodded, following me through to the main room. She looked around, apparently impressed. "I thought so from the building, but this place really is impressive."

"I suppose so," I said, trying not to be unnerved. Himeko is right. I am rich. Dissembling about that isn't going to change anything, so I should bear it decorously. "It's quite convenient, though I still miss Kobe a little."

"It's hard to be away from home," Himeko agreed, looking around again and taking everything in. "Are those bonsai?"

I nodded. "Otoha-san had to come here from Eikou-sama's place every day to water them."

"That's amazing," Himeko said, glancing at Otoha-san.

"I had other reasons to be out, so it was no trouble," Otoha-san said. "In any case, how about tea first?"

I smiled. "That sounds wonderful. What do you think, Himeko?"

She nodded. "Yes. I'd love to."

"I've already prepared it," Otoha-san said, pulling out a chair for me. I sat, and Himeko took the one opposite before she could do the same for her. Instead she returned to the kitchen, collecting the tray.

I smiled. "Green tea, I assume?"

"Yes. Mecha tea, if it pleases you." Otoha-san walked towards us, laying everything out carefully.

A tea party with Himeko… coming here was a good idea, after all. I turned to her. "I hope you feel welcome. But this is the second time in a few days you've visited another's house, no?" I smiled. "I'm still waiting in an expectation of a fuller account of your time with Reiko-sensei."

"I spent most of my time there talking about her work, though," Himeko said, looking down as Otoha-san poured her tea. "There's not too much to say."

I nodded. "I see. If that's all you're comfortable in saying, I can certainly understand that. I'm just being unnecessarily curious."

"It's nothing like that," Himeko said hurriedly. "I'm just not sure what to say…"

I nodded while Otoha-san poured me my own cup of tea. "Thank you."

Otoha-san put the teapot down and backed away. "Please enjoy."

"Well, it was very clean," Himeko said. "I don't know why, but I had a mental image of an author's room being really messy. But that was only really her desk. The rooms themselves were very clean, though there were lots of books and manga."

"I see." I sipped my tea, savouring the bitter after-taste. "That makes sense. And she lives with this… Corona, no?"

Himeko nodded. "Just like me and Mako-chan. They argued a lot, though."

"How strange." I frowned thoughtfully. "Though Corona is a strange nickname to begin with."

Himeko gingerly picked up the cup, carefully supporting it, and took a sip. She blinked rapidly. "I thought it was strange, too. You wouldn't want to live with someone you hated, right? But Mako-chan says she's sure that's just how they're friendly."

"That's a little hard to imagine," I said, watching her expression carefully. Maybe I should have suggested a less bitter tea, especially since I suspect she hasn't drunk too much tea of habit. "But I suppose some people are like that. What were they like, apart from that?"

"Reiko-sensei is… thoughtful," Himeko said evasively. "She could talk a lot about her work. And Corona is very bright and energetic and loud, just like Mako-chan. Though she can be a little scary when she gets mad, but that mostly only happens with Reiko-sensei, so it's okay."

I nodded cautiously. She looks a little shifty, so I'm almost sure she's omitting something. But if she doesn't want to talk about something, I won't force the issue. She had Saotome to look after her, at least. "I see. But it must be nice for you and them both, being able to live with your friend."

"It is," Himeko agreed cheerfully. "I'll always be able to see Mako-chan, even if we make different friends. And she can help me out a lot, too. It makes me a bit guilty, the fact that I rely on her so much."

"You cook, don't you?" I reminded her. "That's more than enough for her, I'm sure, along with you being her friend."

"I hope so," Himeko said.

"It must be nice," I repeated thoughtfully. Living with another person my age… the thought's never occurred to me to begin with. Though Otoha-san isn't very much older than me, of course, but it's still a little different. I am totally dependent on her support, but it's still different from friendship as such. I'm not sure how to describe it.

"I was surprised, though," Himeko said. "Reiko-sensei's so good at writing about romance, but Corona says she's quite anti-social. I'd never have guessed that just from what she's written."

"That's probably more normal than we'd think," I said. "Especially since she's supposed to be very young, to have come so far."

"I suppose so," Himeko agreed, carefully sipping her tea again. "It's as we were talking about earlier, the time needed to master hobbies…"

I nodded, smiling gently and looking across the table at her. Just like in the park, and every other time we've met, simply being with her is enough. Her smile, her vivid eyes, the small movements of her hands and her face, I feel like I'm being basked in a bright, warm radiance.

"Chikane-chan?"

I jumped, forcibly controlling myself. Focus. This isn't the time to think of such things so openly, I'd only disturb her. "You're right. I was just thinking about it myself. But it's easy to underestimate someone like her. She's really quite something."

"Isn't she?" Himeko said, smiling. "Mako-chan always makes light of her, but Reiko-sensei has really become famous, even though she's not much older than us."

"Yes. It's certainly not something just anyone could do."

It's hard not to think of that image from my dream. Now that I know they can't just be dismissed, my kissing Himeko, sleeping beauty, is far more something worry about than it was before… even more so now when I could believe I've been overwhelmed by such misguided feelings.

Himeko gulped down more of her tea, watching what I did carefully. "I won't say much more, though, or I'll keep talking forever. How about you?"

I blinked. "How about me?"

"Do you have any idols, or people you really respect?"

I flushed slightly, casting around for a non-embarrassing answer. "Ah… probably Rokujo-sama."

"Rokujo-sama?"

"Ah. Though she's under thirty, she's already carved out a respected place for herself without relying on nepotism," I explained. "And she's quite well-thought of in business circles. So someone like that is more my manner of inspiration…" I broke off. That was probably still an embarrassing answer.

Himeko giggled. "I see. That sounds like you."

"It does? I wonder whether I can be proud of that," I said weakly. And her laughter is nice, as well.

"You should be. You put yourself down at times, but you are sincere about things like that," Himeko said.

"I wonder," I hummed. Otoha-san shifted slightly in the kitchen.

"And you know a lot of fascinating people, so it's interesting for me, too." Himeko blinked. "But I haven't given you the manga yet, have I?"

I nodded.

"I forgot again," Himeko mumbled. "I'll get it now, so I don't forget it later." She stood and ran back to her bag.

I watched her go, nursing my tea thoughtfully. Whether or not my thoughts are riddled with my untidy desires, I can only concede that it's just _interesting _to be around Himeko. Living with her, now that would be nice. To have her cook for me, and to talk to her morning and night, if only the world were so convenient.

Maybe I shouldn't be dreaming about things I can never have, but it's a kind of comfort, and a sort of control. Perhaps indulging myself in my thoughts will tame them away from my words, gestures, actions. Entertaining and hiding this little monster inside me isn't easy, though…

Himeko returned carrying the manga. "Here," she said, giving it to me and smiling. Her hair fell cutely over her forehead, slightly tangled on her left side.

"Thank you." I took it, forcing myself to read the blurb. No, not easy. Not easy at all.

* * *

Once we'd finished drinking tea, Otoha-san began the lesson, and I did my best to learn from her. Chikane-chan tried her best, too, but ended up trying to learn from both of us. I can understand why, since Otoha-san is really amazing, and Chikane-chan does so many other things. But she disappeared after a while, saying she was going to leave it to us. She didn't seem upset, though. Perhaps she simply wants to do something else, instead.

But now I was alone with Otoha-san, which was a little scary. Whatever she is to Chikane-chan, she has a certain aura to her… so much so I'm just following her clipped instructions. I should be talking to her, though. I'm an adult too.

"You're too tense," Otoha-san said. "Grip the knife a little higher, and more loosely, it'll make clean cuts easier."

I nodded mutely, doing as she instructed. This kind of difference makes me shy and fearful, after all, and every moment where I don't say something makes the next moment harder.

"Is anything wrong?"

I shook my head.

"I see." Otoha-san returned to precisely cutting the vegetables.

No, I need to get on with this person. I'm sure she's important to Chikane-chan, so I have to make an effort. I took a breath. "Ah… she's in a good mood, isn't she? Chikane-chan."

"_Ojou-sama _is cheerful enough right now," Otoha-san agreed coolly. "But I was somewhat surprised. She was far more troubled this morning, in one of her more philosophical and brooding moods."

"Really?" I said, surprised. "But she was very energetic, talking to me. Was that because of the Reynolds leaving?"

"I'm not sure," Otoha-san said. "That's possible, though she's used to partings. Or she was more concerned by considering again the issues the Reynolds are merely symptomatic of. Or it was part of her currently uncertain sleep. It is still an exercise in speculation to try and read her, even for me."

I nodded, feeling slightly awed. "How long have you known her?"

"For as long as I can remember. Even as children."

"So you were childhood friends?" I said, surprised.

"It's not a matter of friendship," Otoha-san said. "Don't be so taken in by Ojou-sama's grace that you forget her place as an august and outstanding person. I was and remain her faithful, humble servant."

"I see. You're dedication is amazing," I murmured.

Otoha-san put the knife down, turning to me. "It's really nothing special. Though its sadly true standards are lower now among servants, please don't be impressed by just this."

I nodded uncertainly, glancing up at her.

"Do you know who she is? Ojou-sama?"

"Chikane Himemiya," I replied. "She's an important person, with Isato-sama for a cousin."

"You're not wrong, but that's not my exact meaning," Otoha-san said. "I know who she is… or of everyone I am among the closest to knowing who she is. She works so hard and so earnestly she suffers for it and even then she only smiles and hides it. Why is that?"

"Because she's a naturally hard-working person," I said, feeling like I was being tested. "And because she wants to be like her mother. And to justify her privilege through effort. And to beat Isato-sama."

"You aren't wrong. But all of those reasons understate what lies beneath. Ojou-sama is a driven person, because she has a reason to fight for. Not out of mere vanity and ambition, but for her family ties to Kazuho-sama and Masato-sama, an unforgiving grudge that they bear, she _must _live as she does, do as she does, aspire as she does. That is how Ojou-sama feels."

"I see. That very much sounds like Chikane-chan." I glanced expectantly at her.

"Personally, I am never going to stop Ojou-sama from doing the thing that she most wants to do," Otoha-san said. "What are your feelings on that?"

I smiled. "I'd agree. Chikane-chan is someone I want to support, above all else."

"I'm glad you agree." Otoha-san turned her head away, speaking casually. "Though it may be necessary for you to turn away from Ojou-sama in order to do that…"

I felt a twitch of anger at that. Playing with words to confuse me, she should state these things more honestly to begin with. "If she ever asks me to do that, I'll do so," I said. "Until then, there's no need."

"Grip it higher up, remember," Otoha-san said, returning her attention to the food as Chikane-chan came back.

"I knew it was hidden somewhere, and I found it," Chikane-chan said, raising the violin to show it to me. "Do you mind if I play a little while you work?"

"I'd love to hear it," I said, smiling at her.

"If you were looking for that, you should have asked me, Ojou-sama," Otoha-san said. "I shouldn't let you go to so much trouble."

"Thank you for your thoughts. But I don't want to interrupt Himeko's lesson," Chikane-chan said gently.

"Thank you." I watched her avidly as she moved the violin into position under her chin and closed her eyes, laying the bow against the strings. Chikane-chan just looks so perfect in that one moment, beautiful and sophisticated and at peace.

Otoha-san touched me on the shoulder, drawing my attention back to what we were doing. Regretfully, I turned away just as Chikane began to play a clear, elegant melody.

My doubts are my doubts, and Chikane-chan's circumstances are hers, and everything that could go wrong is in my mind and in the air between us and perhaps in hers, as well. But, it's okay to stay like this too, just for now. Later, I'll worry about the future and the past.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chains of Memory: Part 21**

Tired. Bed.

* * *

Things that have a beginning also have an ending. That certainly qualifies as trite, but it's something I can consider now that this time has gone again. And even after I've played around in a dream with Himeko, everything is still here. The world I know and the world I don't know, the problems I understand and the problems that belong to a different, uncommon sense. These things haven't disappeared. Fundamentally, everything that can or will or might keep us apart hasn't faded just because we met. And what I receive from that is a brooding fatalism I can't entirely understand.

We're on a train, an annoyingly unmoving train, so I can take Himeko home. The carriage is almost empty, and Himeko is asleep, since she stayed for so long… no, since I kept her for so long. Showing her everything, my clothes, my books, my precious few photographs, all in the name of trying to hold her there. Just a little longer. I got my way, which probably isn't good for her.

I'm also tired. I'd sleep, but I have to watch over her. So all I have is my thoughts and her face.

She doesn't look anything like a sleeping angel. Her cheeks are too flushed, her hair too ruffled, her head falling to one side all-too human. And it reminds me of everything she's ever shown me, sometimes smiling, laughing, frowning, chiding, mourning, hiding, kind and careless, sensitive and humble to a fault. It's not something I've known for very long, nor something I can claim to understand. Why this always and altogether and only human girl fascinates me and draws me in without artifice, how everything she says and does is in vivid colours, and something in me stirs with that. Why I remember and think of all these things. Why I… care for her.

If this is a fault, the fault is mine. If it's fake, the mistake is mine. But what emotion is real? I feel the chemistry of this, the spark and play of nerves in my brain. There's no words now, no one else to turn my mind to regard, no more distractions, nowhere to hide. Just her sleeping face, the gentle frown that twists her flowering lips. This close, I'm aware of her. Even when I look away I know I'd feel her there, since I can't turn my head or close my eyes. I say I'm watching over her but I know I'm simply watching her, her breath, a pendant on fair, barely moving skin. I'd watch her dreams if I could.

Himeko… Himeko is beautiful. It's a word that's often used about me, but what does anyone know? Artifice, hard gems and glass, careful consideration that blurs art and science. Himeko doesn't do anything like that. Her beauty is simpler, perhaps, less striking, but it is… brighter. Since all I can do is spin awe and fear, a sense of distance and cold elegance, but Himeko is just Himeko, and her beauty is something that bridges people to her. Me to her. Like everything else she does, it's more sincere than anything I can do is. I can only admire that, in my own way.

She's so warm, so alive, so close to me, and I can mire myself in myself like this because she cannot open her eyes and look to me.

I know. I know this scene has happened before. I've seen it in my dreams. It is different then, but nothing has changed.

I moved closer to her face then stopped short, looking down at the floor.

"Do you want to know a secret?" I said, my voice barely audible.

I have no idea whether I'm talking to her, or to myself.

"When I was young, I didn't really understand my parents," I began. What story was I telling, again? I spoke words as they came to mind, with no direction in mind. "Though that's usual, for parents and a child. But as I grew up, they showed me small things and I saw small things, and I began to put together who they are. And maybe from that puzzle, I took the parts with blue hair, and added them to the other puzzle of a girl, who I am."

The train finally started to move again, and I fell silent, watching Himeko carefully as her cheeks twitched slightly and she exhaled non-words. But she fell back into the rhythm of her slumber.

"And now that's so much so, I feel like I can begin to understand mother a little now," I whispered. "Since father is an ordinary person, relatively. I don't know very much about how they met. Children don't care for it. But I do know them now, I know a kind and loving father who cares deeply for us. And a mother that cares deeply for him. And she isn't and can't and will never be what he wants, perhaps what he needs, since she's forever moving forwards. She wants to smile and rest and play but she can't let herself do that. At heart she's born to and bound to something bigger than her feelings, bigger than him or me… married to it. Something more important to her than him."

It's not because I have something to prove to others. Nor is it because I have something to prove to that man.

I placed my pendant on the palm of my hand, staring at it. "We all know, all three of us. Probably everyone we know, too. And it is… hard. To get up every day and struggle, all the while pushing the people you care for back, and not to look at them. And knowing it isn't a matter of a decision made. If mother chose to turn away, we'd all know, all three of us, why. And father wouldn't be able to forgive himself for that. So this became inevitable ever since that day, so it isn't a matter of what my mother decides. It's who she is that hurts him so."

I have something I must prove to myself. Something I have to do. I can no longer forgive myself if I bow my head meekly and submit.

"So much so I don't really understand, again. I know why mother loves him, since he smiles and suffers and worries in ridiculous ways." I smiled wanly. "Endearingly, he cares. But I can't really understand whether love could any more be one of the reasons to stay and watch our backs…"

I forced a smile. "He'd chide me if he saw me like this, though."

The train began to slow, this time because it was arriving at the station. I slapped my cheeks, forcing myself out of my winding melancholy, and turned to wake Himeko. She stirred the moment I touched her shoulders, blinking rapidly. "Chikane-chan?" she asked hazily.

"It's our stop, Himeko," I said gently.

Himeko gave me a surprised look, frowning in dismay and confusion. "Really? I dozed off? Sorry, Chikane-chan, I just meant to rest my eyes a little."

"No. It's not your fault." I stood, offering my hand and helping her before hurrying her towards the door. "In any case, you can sleep properly once you're back home, so please hold on until then."

"I'm sorry to trouble you," Himeko said, following me out onto the platform. "Making you come this far so late. I can walk the rest myself, okay?"

I shook my head. "It's no trouble. I'll see you to the door, since I was the one who held you back late."

"But-" Himeko fell silent when I stared at her. "If you insist. But what are you going to do on the way back?"

"It's fine," I said, beginning to walk. "I can look after myself."

"What if Tsubasa or someone dangerous comes?" Himeko asked.

I smiled, looking ahead. "Are you worrying about me?"

"Yes, I am," Himeko said. "I know Chikane-chan is strong, but you can't be complacent either."

"Well, if that's the case, I certainly have to escort you." I glanced at her protesting eyes. "I'll be careful."

Himeko nodded, mollified. "Good."

We left the station in silence. In my case, thoughts were pressing down on me again. I feel so different when I talk to her. I just wish I could believe that it will last.

"I decided something recently," I said.

"Yes?" Himeko asked, puzzled.

"I promised myself I wouldn't settle for being any one thing," I said. When I looked up, I could see the stars between the streetlights. "Neither just a Himemiya heir nor simply an ordinary person with friendship and love, but both. To have my cake and eat it, as it were."

Himeko giggled. "That sounds like you."

I blinked. "It does?"

"Well, I'm not too sure," Himeko said. "But I think it does. As far as I can tell, you're never going to hold yourself back, even if it's hard."

Do I come across like that. I shrugged. "Maybe that's true. But the more I think about it, the more unlikely it seems. If you try to do too many things at once, you're going to be bad at all of them."

"For other people."

"For other people?"

"But you do a lot of things well," Himeko teased. "Don't think I've forgotten that."

"Maybe," I admitted, smiling at her playful expression. She's making it difficult to stay gloomy. "But I don't think this is so simple. I'm not confident that I could bear it. More than that, I'm not sure it would be kind. I'd be making other people suffer by trying to keep them close, even though I have to be away from them. That could be cruel."

"Well, I don't really understand your exact circumstances," Himeko said. "And I can't speak for your other friends, either. But I'd much rather you tried to do both, even if sometimes you disappointed me. If it's you, I know you'd be trying your best."

"I see." I looked both ways before crossing, barely seeing what I was looking at it. "I wonder how many disappointments you could bear… it's still not kind."

"I could bear them," Himeko said, following me. "If you promised to try. You don't have totally protect other people. We can also stand up, and even if I'm not as strong as you are, I'm sure I could withstand it. No, I'd be glad to do so."

"I'd still feel responsible."

Himeko giggled. "That's also very Chikane-like. I'd remind you, every now and then… you don't have to take responsibility for everything."

"I see." I smiled, looking away. "I see."

Perhaps this is what I'm forgetting with my parents, too. It's a comforting thought.

"Whatever you want to do, I want to support it." Himeko smiled at me. "I'm sure of that. So whatever you decide is fine."

"Likewise," I said, smiling back.

This constant turmoil, the difficulties apart and the clarity together, there's no doubt in my mind that I want to be with you. To hold you too me. And so I can only say that, not what I actually want to say. Convention and society, these things bind us and everything we do. Even 'you are important to me' is going too far. And so I'm stuck in this ambiguous situation.

Perhaps it's okay. I know mother and father can bear with hardships. I can do the same thing, I can ride out my doubts and confusion, since Himeko will smile for me. As long as that's true, I can hold on. So I'll hold myself back and get to know her more and more, meeting just like this. That can be enough. There's no need to bring my deeper, ambiguous feelings into this to begin with.

But there's still some things I need to confirm, I know that. My dreams, my parents, Souma and Tsubasa, and Himeko. Once I've clarified everything in my mind, I'll be able to put my other doubts aside. That's what I have to do.

* * *

I unlocked the door, smiling back at Chikane-chan. "Thanks for walking me back."

"It's nothing," she replied.

"And remember your promise, okay?"

She nodded.

I stepped into my flat and turned back, glancing at her again. "Well, then…"

"What time do you call this?" Mako-chan demanded from behind me.

I blinked, turning to face her. "Sorry, Mako-chan."

"I've been sitting and waiting, you know. I was getting worried. Didn't you even think to call me?"

"I… forgot," I said. "I'm sorry."

"It's my fault," Chikane-chan said. "I will be more careful next time."

"Just as long as you understand," Mako-chan said. "At least it's a Friday."

"Hey, it's my fault," I said, glaring at Mako-chan. "I was the one who messed up."

"And I'm going to tease you for that, too," Mako-chan said. "But I'll forgive you."

"In any case, I'll apologise again," Chikane-chan said, bowing. "I'll take my leave."

"Thanks for entertaining her," Mako-chan said. "I appreciate it. Good night."

"See you," I said, focusing on Chikane-chan and smiling. "Thanks a lot for everything. I had a wonderful time, okay?"

Chikane-chan smiled. "Then thank you for coming. I also enjoyed it a lot."

"Yes, yes." Mako-chan grabbed me by the shoulder, pulling me backwards. "You're up past your bedtime, all the same."

"Goodnight." Chikane-chan turned and walked away, leaving Mako-chan free to close the door.

"Mako-chan, you were being really rude," I said, turning to her and frowning.

"Well, sorry for that," Mako-chan said, turning away and walking across the room. "I've been left here waiting for you to come back with no word while you two play around."

"Which was my fault," I said. "I'm really sorry for that. But Chikane-chan has nothing to do with it."

"I expect you to forget about this kind of thing anyway, but for her it's different," Mako-chan said. "Are you going to tell me she can't keep track of time?"

Normally, I'm sure, I'd be apologetic, but I'm feeling a little sore right now. "I see. You know, even she can also forget that I'm a responsible person, just like you." I stood my ground, staring her in the eyes. "And I can let myself in. I didn't ask for you to wait to begin with."

"I'm your friend, so what you do you expect me to do?" Mako-chan shot back, her expression dark. "Or had you forgotten that since you were too busy playing around with Chikane-chan?"

"Then say what you like to me," I said. "Not to her. Looking down on me so much you automatically expect others to make decisions for me doesn't sound like friendship."

"That's not what I said!"

"Then just what did you mean by that?" I asked.

Mako-chan glared at me for a few moments, saying nothing, before exhaling. "I'm tired. Let's pick up this discussion in the morning, okay?"

"Okay," I said, feeling terrible. But I'm not wrong, either. I know I messed up, but she took that attitude right from the start…

"Souma called while you were out," Mako-chan said, walking towards her bed. "He wants to meet you whenever's next convenient."

I walked back, kicking off my shoes and changing to slippers. "I see. Where are we going?"

"He wants just you." Mako-chan snorted. "That's been happening a lot recently."

"I see." I rubbed my forehead, deciding I was also too tired to deal with this. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't call. I know I should have done, and I know you'd be waiting…"

"Remember next time." Mako-chan threw herself onto her bed. "Goodnight, Himeko."

"Goodnight." I searched for my pyjamas, and let her lie there in silence while I changed. And now I felt really awful, after all. I'd had a really enjoyable evening, so why did it have to end up like this all of a sudden?

I know I was wrong. I just wish she wouldn't blame Chikane-chan, and… when Chikane-chan spoke like that, it was only her, and harmless. In its way, kind. But, even though Mako-chan's like that, and even though I rely on her to look after me… looking down on me is different. I can't approve of that at all, even now. But I can't say anything more, since that would just restart the argument. Now I have no idea if she meant it.

I sighed. Hopefully I really would feel better after a rest.

Once I'd changed I turned out the lights and stumbled to my own bed, tucking myself in quickly. I was tired myself, even after the unintentional nap on the train, and cold too.

Happy things. Think of happy things. Chikane smiling, playing the violin for me, struggling so seriously at cooking, and showing me the photos of her family. She even took me home. Though arguably, that's because she doesn't take me seriously either. I tried to dismiss that thought. She was just being conscientious, and it's also true from what I saw, she's a lot more physically adept than I am.

But she says that a lot, 'I'll protect you'. And Souma also says that. When I think about it, all three of them go out of their way to do that, in their own ways. I thought that was kind, but it's less kind if they really just think I'm weak and helpless. Am I really as useless at that?

It's not as if I ever asked to be protected… I sighed again. So much for happy thoughts. But I don't think any of them mean badly by it. I should probably just be glad that they're willing to go so far for me. And with that mind, I'm going to have to apologise to Mako-chan proper, and make it up to her again.

But we never used to argue like this. Ever since I met Chikane-chan, though, things have been getting more difficult. I don't really understand, but I'm sure it's my fault, mostly. But I think Mako-chan can be a little unreasonable, too.

Without even considering what Reiko-sensei said about Chikane-chan any further, too… I was probably going to suffer from another restless sleep.

* * *

It probably isn't safe, walking through a park alone and this late at night. It's even less safe since I'm going specifically to talk to a particularly dangerous person. I stuck close to the path and the light, observed my surroundings carefully, and found him in the same place as before. I was surprised, but approached slowly. "Good evening."

"This is an interesting reversal," Tsubasa said. "Have you remembered yet?"

"Some. Not everything. But I've gained insight into the reality of my dreams, and the existence of a reality outside the norm," I said. "A reality in which you were my enemy, one of the servants of Orochi. We fought. I won."

Tsubasa smirked. "Winning is going far too far. I left the field to you. It was a pretty noxious environment, so you were welcome to it."

"Of course, I don't remember the specifics," I said. "I don't remember the details of very much. Since you do, however, I was expecting you to assist me."

"Why do you want to remember?" Tsubasa asked, eyes flickering sideways.

"Because it's a true thing," I said. "I don't live by turning away from the truth."

Tsubasa snorted. "A tedious answer."

"For you, perhaps." I approached slowly, focusing on him. "How about you? What interest do you have in me remembering? I can't imagine it's for my own good."

"A world where everyone but I is mad is very boring," Tsubasa said. "Besides, you interest me. What will become of you, I wonder, when you remember yourself totally?" He smirked at me, lacing his hands together. "I want to see that. Your last life was enough to make of you Orochi's most outstanding disciple."

"Is this reincarnation, then?" I asked. "What a ridiculous answer."

"I told you, the last time we met. This world is bound by chains of fate." Tsubasa looked me up and down. "You more than anyone else. Certainly all of your own being and life, and most likely your precious family, all exist solely so that you exist, and can oppose Orochi. You even failed at that, last time around."

"I've no interest in further dancing around this subject," I said coldly. "Why don't you tell me clearly what happened?"

"Will you believe me?" Tsubasa said, his tone curious.

"I reserve the right to disbelieve you."

"Such a convenient mindset." Tsubasa leaned back, putting his hands behind his head. "That's no incentive for me to spoil the game at all."

I shrugged. "Well, I have no expectations from you to begin with. But what are you doing here? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"No. And you?"

"I'm going back," I said, starting to walk again. "Otoha-san will be waiting for me."

"Of course. How cute for you. I remember never understanding that. Even though adulation and worship surrounded you on all sides, you still walked the same path as me. Is that a truly monstrous feat of nihilism, or petulant idiocy?" Tsubasa pushed himself off the bench, following me. "Is misapplied love really that violent a force, Lunar Miko?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said, carrying on walking.

"How much have you changed, I wonder? Do you really feel like me? Do you smile and secretly despise almost everyone around you? You should be beginning to feel it, by now. The chains of this world holding you back. Convention, expectation, morality and law, you'd burn brighter without them. They're all around you. You'd so love to _burn _them."

"Projection is an ugly thing."

"Projection?" Tsubasa grabbed my hair, holding me back. "This is no such thing."

I turned and threw a punch with my left fist. He barely dodged out of range, but my right hand caught his wrist and twisted savagely, pulling myself free. "Don't get too carried away," I instructed curtly, my pulse racing.

"Good eyes," Tsubasa said, smirking. "But don't pretend you didn't know what you were getting into."

He threw a punch. I swayed sideways, avoiding it, but he broke free, grabbing my wrists before I could recover. He dragged my arms up into a grotesque parody of a dance, looking down at me. "Don't let our similarities obscure our differences, and the degree of my hate for you."

My foot lashed into his knee, loosening his grip enough for me to break free and slide backwards. "It's only your misplaced arrogance that lets you compare us to begin with."

"It's strange, isn't it?" Tsubasa said, shaking out his hands and smirking. "Even in a situation like this, you stare me down without blinking. If I cut off your arms or your legs, would you still look at me in this way? You're really quite careless about yourself, it's not very human. Just like me."

"It's not carelessness. Just the knowledge that you can't kill me." I kept my stance, meeting his crimson eyes. My bloodlust is still here, my immense personal contempt for this man. Rather than filling me with fear, it's empowering. This is something I can understand clearly.

"Well, killing you would be meaningless to begin with," Tsubasa said. "I want you to suffer much more than that, in your own hell bound to earth and wrought with your own hands. Giving you enough rope to hang yourself… that is my express desire." He pushed his hands through his untidy hair to clear it away from his eyes, smirking at me. "How is she? Your beloved Himeko?"

"If you go near her, I'll make you regret it," I said calmly. "Since there's no magic right now, my temporal power is enough."

"Temporal power? At least be honest and call it money." Tsubasa put a hand on his hip. "But it should already have occurred by now. That girl is not ordinary to you, and you are not ordinary. Call it what you will, that doesn't interest me."

"I know who she is to me," I said impatiently. "I certainly have no interest in your banal musings about me. What is she to you? An enemy? A target? That's what I came here to confirm."

"A pretty lie." Tsubasa approached again, walking slowly around me. "I don't really care. But I do know this. That girl attended Mahoroba Academy last time around, and to her you were her best friend. She had no parents, few outstanding qualities, and was gloriously oblivious to your desires to crawl all over her."

"And I lived without family in the Mahoroba mansion," I said. "Since my mother died years before, along with my cousin's family, and my father was driven away from me."

Tsubasa stopped behind me. "So you've decided it would be interesting to believe me?"

"I'm interested in stories," I replied, turning to face him.

He carried on walking around me. "Then I won't spoil this for you." Tsubasa folded his arms. "One day you will understand. But to that sacred place we came with the intent to kill you. The Necks of the Orochi, sent to kill the two Miko of Ame no Murakumo. A battle by proxy that was sustained purely by the betrayal of the Seventh Neck, Souma."

"He was one of you?" I asked suspiciously.

"He betrayed us and played the hero," Tsubasa said sarcastically. "A white knight fighting for the love of his princess… Himeko. You should be careful, since as far as he's concerned he's far more deserving a person."

"I don't seek Himeko's love to begin with."

"More pretty lying." Tsubasa stepped closer, reaching out to touch my shoulders from behind and laughing as I stepped deftly away. "You want to take her, make a doll of her, make her abject and dependent, that's your love, then and now. You don't know anything else!"

"You're wrong," I said coldly.

"I'll judge that by your deeds, not your denials," Tsubasa said. "I know you aren't in this area just to talk to me. You're after her, seeking for her, scheming and searching for a way to tie her irrevocably to you, all so you can force your whimsy on her. The manner of your evil is what misguided fools would call 'love'."

I decided to ignore that, focusing on his eyes again. "What did Orochi seek? I'd certainly call it evil."

"Orochi embodies the desire to end all and recreate," Tsubasa said. "But to humans, who have no say and no place in Orochi's world, it is only the embodiment of a nihilistic desire to destroy all. As the Eighth Neck, you should ask yourself where you found that in your world at that time."

"I betrayed you all, and defeated even you," I said calmly. "Don't twist my actions."

"You claimed the throne of Orochi's most worthy human vassal, and used that place and power to destroy the world." Tsubasa stopped in front of me, his expression sadistic. "You were stopped and killed by Himeko."

"You're lying," I said, forcibly holding onto my convictions. I mustn't get caught in his pace. By holding onto the absolutes of who I am, though, I can manipulate him rather than the other way round. I'll bear out his best attempts at twisting me and read from his twisted truth… it's better than a dream in the hands of my even more twisted self.

"It's true. You'll see. Until then, think what you like." Tsubasa stepped forwards, reaching for my cheek. "A lover's suicide is such a beautiful thing."

I caught his wrist, glaring as he stepped away. "Is this the truth that's being hidden from me? That I was one of the Orochi, as well as a Miko?"

"It's hard to clearly answer that." Tsubasa walked into my blind spot again, forcing me to turn my head to look at him. "There's much more. You weren't merely impassive. If you can think of a way to degrade, twist and betray that girl to the basest degree possible, you're within arms reach of your own hidden truth."

"What's twisted is your words," I said calmly. "I've no more interest for now. I advise you leave that be."

Tsubasa smirked. "Do as you will. But bear this in mind… we haven't changed, you and I. We can't change. You are what Ame no Murakumo needs you to be, a monster girl who possesses an easy and unflinching intent to maim and kill. To misapply that nature is almost the only way you can defy your fate. At least I am born of my own, sincere despair."

"I am I, who has no interest in you or what you think of me. That's all I need to know."

I walked away. To my surprise, he didn't follow me. Even so, it took a long time for my pulse to settle, and longer for my thoughts to still. His words suit his malicious convenience, of that I've no doubt. There's neither trust nor truth in them. But I sought them out, and I'll keep them in mind, for when I finally locate this 'truth' beyond reality.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chains of Memory: Part 22**

To answer another quick question: Kazuho is the Himemiya but keeps the name because... she's goddamn Kazuho Himemiya, that's why. Poor Masato will appear the least suitable husband for her at a cursory thought. I hope to challenge that impression before this story truly ends, circumstances being willing.

* * *

_I am here again. There's green grass all around me, rose bushes, a tree. Mahoroba's secret garden, a place I found chasing after a dog. I never did find the owner._

_An important place. That is my feeling._

_Bishop glances at me, her face impassive. However much I look at her, she is so different from me, even with the same body, the same face, the same eyes. Bishop is… serene. Like Chikane-chan. "Welcome back."_

"_Hi," I say uncertainly. _

_She slips her hands into the sleeves of her robes, smiling. It isn't reaching her eyes, though. "What do you wish to see today?"_

"_I want… I want to talk," I say. "About you, this place, these visions. They have a meaning, don't they?"_

"_What makes you say that?" Bishop says. "I am just a dream, am I not?"_

"_I don't really understand," I admit. "But I'm sure of it. This… this isn't just a dream, is it? If this was a dream, I could go where I like and do what I like, but you want to stop me. You want to control me. I'm sure, then, there's some meaning to all of this."_

_Bishop frowns and walks towards me. "I see. The other one like me said this, she has insight and we have faith. But, there's a little thought to it than that." She stops with her shoulder next to mine, looking past me. "I knew that from the start, since there were things I saw, even at that time. I just took so long to understand them."_

"_Please answer," I say. "Even if there are things you can't show me, this is a question you can answer, right?"_

"_Yes, you're right." Bishop steps past me, stopping in front of the rose bushes. "And you're right. This place does have a meaning. Everything is the will of Ame no Murakumo."_

"_So explain. What does that even mean? Who is Ame no Murakumo? Who are you? What are you, and this place, and all of this?" I turn to glare at her back, as she makes no reply. "Answer me!"_

"_I'm sorry." Bishop's hands brush against the leaves, her head bowed. "I've already said too much. The Queen's greatest desire is that we avoid disclosing unnecessary things. What will be, will be…but I can assure you, there's more to lose than to gain from us."_

"_Then take me to her," I say._

"_I can't do that, either," Bishop says, turning back to me. "What do you want to see?"_

"_Why can't you?"_

"_Because that is also an unnecessary thing." Bishop frowns. "Why are you being so obstinate? Though there's meaning for us, there's nothing for you here. You must know that."_

"_I don't understand. For that reason, I'm here." I step forwards, meeting her violet eyes with my own. "Tsubasa and Souma, Chikane and I, my dreams and my feelings…I know there are answers. I want to find them."_

"_There are some truths best left unsaid, it's for that reason they're in the dark." Bishop's expression is calm. "My answer hasn't changed. "I can't show you those things as you are right now. You would not be able to bear them."_

_I falter for a moment before finding my voice. "Then, when will I be ready to understand?"_

"_I don't know."_

"_So you're just going to make me wait?" Bishop doesn't reply, so I frown. "So, who's not ready to bear this, you or I? If this is an unpleasant truth, aren't you just putting it off because you're afraid?"_

_Bishop shrugged. "Perhaps that's so. That should tell you the measure of my fear."_

"_And you think I'm not scared?" I press my right hand against my chest and glare at her. "I'm not so stupid I'm not scared right now. I don't understand anything around me, and what's worse is that the truth might be more terrifying than ignorance. But… even so…there's no truth I could regret more than this doubt."_

_Bishop looks at me for several seconds, her expression unreadable. "Almost."_

_I blink. "Almost? Almost what?"_

"_You're growing. It's possible, in time. But not now." Bishop walks towards me, touching my shoulder as she passes. "I'll wait for you."_

"_Wait-"_

_The flower garden ripples and fades, bright colours reforming. I am standing on a beach. Sand crunches under my feet._

_A past me glances up at me, smiling cheerfully. "Welcome. Care to join us?"_

_Another Chikane looks up at me and smiles. But that is not my Chikane-chan._

_I look down at them. "No. This is wrong."_

"_Eh?"_

"_I don't want to be here." I glare at her puzzled expression. "This is not where I need to be!"_

_The scene flickers, changing, to Chikane-chan playing the piano. Another I watches her, smiling softly…_

"_Wrong!" I bite my lip in frustration. "Not here…not at this time. There has to be more sadness!"_

_The floor warps beneath my feet, I'm standing on a metal hand. I'm…the other me is kissing Souma. That's so surprising I stop and watch, noticing as we pull away. The other me is crying without looking at me._

"_This… this isn't it, either," I said. "You're just distracting me, and I'm not interested. So show me what I want to see. That dark night, and that foreboding, and you blocked my way."_

_The scene changed, time after time, and I concentrated as that happened, throwing them away one after the other. So many things, but never what I wanted to see… what I needed to see. Heat washed through my body, centred on my heart. I could do it in seconds now, without uttering a word. Amidst the confusion of images I felt a strange kind of exaltation. If it was like this, I could force her hand. Like this, I could win-_

_The scene changed, and didn't change. My heart thumped violently, sending a shockwave through my body._

"So, you came."

I'm standing in a shrine. Not the Ogami shrine. And sitting opposite me is myself.

My body trembles, pain shooting from my chest outwards in a wave with each heart-beat. An agonising pain.

_And she sits there formally, her long, red-trimmed sleeves covering her chest. Her expression isn't unkind, but it is tired, strained, exhausted. As is her smile. _"Though this is not the truth you seek."

Behind her, facing the other way, white robes, purple trim, long blue hair…it can only be Chikane-chan. But she doesn't say anything at all.

_I gasp awkwardly for breath, struggling, falling to my knees and staring at her. My limbs tremble compulsively, cold and hot at the same time, and my heart hammers sickly in my chest. Amidst my pain, I grope for something, anything, any words to make this worthwhile. "Who…"_

"Am I?" _Sweat pours down her face as she forces a smile. _"I can't easily answer that myself. I am I, I am you, and you-"

The red on the white of her robes…there's also blood.

_She closes her eyes. _"You are not I."

I wake.

My heart is thumping, and my body aches. I force stiff eyes open and look down with puzzlement at the floor before I realise what happened. I must have fallen out of bed. I force myself up with shaky muscles, leaning back against the side of my bed and breathing heavily. Sweat covered me and my hands moved upwards, compulsively probing, pressing up against it, holding the fluttering, escaping bird of my heart in-between its bone cage. My fed fell back and I stared blankly up at the ceiling, trying to control my fear.

I remember everything. I remember the utter mortal terror of looking at myself, there and then.

"What are you doing?"

My head fell forwards and I mentally forced my hands down. My eyes checked them, seeing only blank and clean palms. Thank god.

"Hey, Himeko?" Mako-chan looked down at me, dressed only in her pyjamas. Her hair was all messed up… "What's wrong? You look terrible."

"I," I paused, taking a shaky breath. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. And how did you fall out of bed, anyway?" Mako-chan sighed. "You gave me a shock."

"I'm okay." I blinked slowly, took a deep breath, then forced myself up, leaning against my bed. "What time is it…" I glanced at my alarm clock. "I'll make breakfast." I stepped forwards only to stagger, almost falling.

"Hey." Mako-chan caught me, holding me up. "Don't force yourself, okay? You must be sick."

"I'm not sick." But I let myself be steered back to my bed, sitting down limply and breathing heavily. I don't know why… why this is happening.

"Yes, yes." Mako-chan sighed. "Just stay in bed for now. I'll get breakfast. Do you want a drink?"

"Water," I said, letting my head fall back onto the pillow. I felt really, really tired.

I was so close, too… so why did I end up like this? I massaged my heart. Was it dangerous, doing what I did? Or was it just dangerous, meeting her? The Queen. I'm sure of it, that was her, but… I couldn't ask her the most important thing.

"You sure worry me a lot," Mako-chan observed softly, holding out a glass of water for me.

I pushed myself up and took it, sipping before putting it on my bedside table. "Sorry. I'll be better soon. I just had a bad dream."

"That's one hell of a dream," Mako-chan said. She shrugged when I didn't reply, heading back towards the kitchen. "Is toast okay? That's almost all I can do anyway."

"Go ahead." I rubbed my forehead.

But in a way, this is another kind of confirmation. I'm not mistaken. That place is important… and maybe dangerous. But I'm feeling okay now.

"How about Souma? Shall I call him and say you can't make it?"

I pulled my covers over my body, closing my eyes to rest them. "It'll be okay. Just give me a little time to rest."

"Okay. We can consider it later."

Maybe I'm forcing myself too much. But I can't forget about the things I don't know. I know the people around me are amazing people, and they can do things I can't, see things I don't see. I'm very… aware of that, sometimes. So I want to do what I can do. Especially considering Tsubasa, it really is important. Otherwise I'm sure Chikane-chan would work everything out and make a decision without me. These strange dreams are all I have; though I can't do anything more than believe in them. But- I don't think I'm mistaken. More than ever, after this just now, I'm sure that I'm dealing with something more than a dream. I'm dealing with a kind of reality.

I reclined my head, noting my heart rate was returning to normal. Well, that was a relief. My limbs were trembling less, too. Even though it's earlier than I'd like, my mind is awake for now. Painfully so.

That… thing Reiko mentioned, is also something I have to deal with. But not for now, maybe. Just hearing her talk about herself was interesting. At last, it feels like she's really opening up to me. But she has so many problems, too. What was it she said? Whether it was possible for her to do everything she wanted to do. I'm sure I'd say 'of course, if it's Chikane-chan', but now I realise that would be a flippant answer. Chikane-chan's an incredible person, but she's treated that way all the time, and treats herself that way. She's pushing herself as hard as she can, far harder than a normal person could manage. And even she has worries and fears. Now I'm glad I didn't just dismiss her. It would be irresponsibility to simply shrug her off because of what she's like. And in a small way, too, I'm glad. It's not as if I want her to suffer, but now I know she has her own doubts. Something I can help her with. Something that makes her a little like me.

Which is why I want to end all this… all my dreams, too. I'm sure that's another way to help her.

"What are you thinking about?"

I glanced at Mako-chan standing over her and smiled weakly. "Nothing really."

"I see." Mako-chan handed me a piece of toast and turned, sitting on the floor and leaning against the edge of the bed. She bit off a piece and chewed.

I did likewise. But why was I kissing Souma? I already gave him my answer… and why was I crying? Among all the scenes they let me see, that one makes the least sense.

"You know, I remember when you used to tell me everything. Trust me with anything." Mako-chan's voice was soft rather than angry. In a way, that made it worse. "Well, if you have something to hide from me, there's nothing to say to begin with."

"It's not as if I'm hiding things, exactly," I began awkwardly. "They're only dreams-"

"I'm not going to do it any more, though. I'm getting tired, tired of not saying things." Mako-chan sighed. "I don't know if staying silent or saying what I'm about to say is friendship. It's possible I'm only indulging myself."

"Mako-chan…"

"Do you know something? I only recently noticed this for myself, but never mind." Mako-chan looked down at the floor. "Everything is always about you. If I say it just like that, it makes me sound like a petulant child, but it's true."

I opened my mouth to say something, then fell quiet, feeling upset. I… it's not like I act anything like that…

"When I first befriended you, I found out you weren't just a quiet, klutzy girl, but a sincere, kind and interesting person. And I was proud because I thought I was the only one who saw that, and we spent so much time together. You depended on me. In a way, you were my only friend." Mako-chan sighed. "Then there was Souma, who knew you for much longer, and was a huge help to you when you were young. I thought I was glad at the time, but you rejecting him… that was also a relief." Mako-chan laughed, sourly. "That's a horrible thing to say, isn't it?"

"It's not horrible," I said. "It's human. But I don't think I really understand."

"And Souma befriended me as the after-thought of his second best choice of befriending you," Mako-chan said. "Or rather, his friendship to me gave him the pretext he wanted to be with you. He uses me. It's not like I don't know it."

"You're wrong." I swallowed weakly, wondering how far to go. "Ogami-kun wouldn't ever think of you or anyone like that. He's a good person, so you shouldn't blame him, even though you're right to be upset about me. He's not at fault."

"Maybe you're right. I'm not sure." Mako-chan sighed. "And now Himemiya. I worked hard, you know? I wasted a lot of energy and time trying to make Isato look at me, but he never did. And I contented myself with saying that someone like a Himemiya could only ever notice a guy like Souma, someone who stood on their level. But I was wrong about that, too… Chikane Himemiya's your friend. No, she's falling over herself to be her friend. She ignores hot, rich guys to be your friend! I know you're a wonderful person, I knew that before anyone else, but would someone please tell me why it's always, always this way? Why you have all the luck? Why it's always you who gets the fairy stories? Why it's always me… who's just waiting for you."

"Mako-chan." I tried to think of something to say, but nothing really occurred. "I'm sorry…"

"Are you really? What are you apologising for?"

I sighed miserably. "I never wanted to upset you."

"I know. You never want to upset anyone. But you're not apologising for anything other than that. You don't have anything to apologise for." Mako-chan looked down. "You should be angry. But you'd only be angry if I insulted one of your friends. I know that too."

"Why would I be angry?" I asked. "You must be right, and I know I've been inconsiderate of your feelings, so I'll remember from now on, I promise-"

"I know, I know. But you don't need to say that." Mako-chan sighed. "I've known you for a long time, you know? You can be a little impetuous and less than self-aware, so I often know you better than you know yourself. I know that Chikane is different."

"It's not really that big a deal," I began. "You said it yourself, Souma is similar, right? And he really likes you, whatever you say. I'm sure with time Chikane-chan will also-"

"That's not what I mean. Chikane-chan is different to _you. _I've never seen you like this before. Not with me, not with Souma. When it was Souma I never felt this threatened." Mako-chan looked back at me, blue eyes hard. "You prefer her to us. I know that. It's fine."

"That's not true," I said. "I do like her, but I also like you two, and I've known you both for a lot longer, so-"

"I'm not asking for pity. I'm telling you this in case you haven't noticed." Mako-chan turned away, laughing weakly. "Since you're stubborn and block-headed at times… last night I realised, though. So I need you to make me a promise."

I glanced down at her, trying to follow. "A promise?"

Mako-chan sighed with something approaching resignation. "If this is your story, I'll do my part from now on. I have your back, so promise me this. You'll follow your feelings for as long as is necessary, without looking back to Souma or me. Befriend Chikane Himemiya, stay with her, do everything you want to do without hesitating. We'll support you. It's what we do."

I glanced down at her. "But-"

"No buts." Mako-chan let her head fall back, looking at the ceiling. "This is a promise between friends. You aren't allowed to back out, okay?"

I frowned before nodding, my heart beating fast. "Okay. I promise."

Mako-chan smiled and closed her eyes. "Good girl."

* * *

_I am here again. Orochi's Torii gates. The baleful light still falls down on me, illuminating my face._

_I'm still looking at her._

"_Once again, you'll be in my care," Rook says calmly. "The other one won't come out while I am here."_

"_Because she's afraid of you?" I ask, concentrating on her face._

"_This is just a matter of prerogative," she said. Her face is like an unbroken mask. It's unpleasantly close to a mirror of my own, too, of course. My mask. "In any case, what do you want to see today?"_

"_Before that, I want to talk. Could you listen to me?" I say quietly._

_Rook gives me a suspicious look, then nods. "Go ahead. Just remember the time we have isn't unending."_

"_All the more reason not to waste my time on flippant things," I say coolly. "In any case, I'm just going to think alive. For instance, this place is the realm of Orochi. There are eight major gates, for Orochi's eight necks. This individuals are followers, priests, and the cant they preach is one of nihilism, despair and uninhibited global destruction. Orochi controls and empowers them. Orochi's First Neck was…perhaps is…a man called Tsubasa. Souma Ogami was the Seventh Neck, under uncertain circumstances. And you or I were the Eighth Neck, who overcame at least four of them and stalemated Tsubasa. Am I wrong?"_

"_You are correct in every particular," Rook remarks. "Do you want my congratulations?"_

"_I will forebear, but the thought is touching," I say icily. "What I want to know is this…what was my motive? I have no circumstantial reason to despise the world. My place in it is lofty. Even if I lost my parents in the other world, at the least I gained an unrivalled position as heir I had no resent to resent. So, why? What would Orochi see in me, and why would I join with him?"_

"_One simple solution occurs," Rook says. "Defeating Orochi externally is difficult in the extreme. Doing so from within, however, is far simpler and possible for us as the Lunar Miko. It's also true that our actions aligned the circumstances necessary to trigger the resurrection of the world."_

"_The circumstances necessary to trigger the resurrection of the world?" I blink slowly, putting the pieces together in my head. "The sacrifice…killing Himeko. That is what our archaic sister did, is it not? Is that the necessary condition?"_

"_Yes. Ame no Murakumo requires the blood sacrifice of one Miko to another in order to revert the damage inflicted by Orochi's rise." Rook narrows her eyes. "My actions brought that circumstance to pass in such a way Himeko could do so without regret and then forget peacefully."_

"_It's difficult for me to conceive of a circumstance where Himeko could kill me without regret." I step towards her. "Tsubasa said one more thing. He said I loved Himeko, and so coveted her and wronged her, and that was why I joined with Orochi and brought about world destruction. Is that true?"_

"_The First Neck is our mortal enemy. It is his pleasure to twist words and invent from whole cloth to manipulate his enemies and mock them. It is better, as I did, to strike him down without a word."_

"_That's all true, and all fine," I say absently. "But you haven't actually denied anything."_

"_If you're consorting with him over my word, I'm not sure how much more I have to say," Rook replies. "I'll repeat my first question. What do you want to see?"_

"_At least you haven't teleported today, and remain looking me in the eyes," I say, pressing my advantage. "Don't think I can't recognise misdirection. Answer me clearly."_

"_You're also being misleading," Rook says, smiling pleasantly. "After all, at no point did you say you actually believe his words. In any case, I have no need to answer you."_

"_So it's true," I say, my heart sinking._

_Rook disappears, reappearing behind me and looking upwards. "Would you say a word? The madness and the shame of a forbidden love…I have no desire to speak of that. Would you express your own feelings for her instead?"_

"_That has nothing to do with you."_

"_I am you, though you are not I." Rook shrugs. "Believe what you want. I'll ask you again, what do you wish to see?"_

"_I want to see what you can't say. What you are hiding from me."_

"_I can't do that, no more than my sister could. Some memories will remain forbidden, lest they bind you here as us."_

"_I refuse." I turn and grab her arm, holding onto it tightly. "I don't know the circumstances, but I feel very conscious right now. This is akin to a lucid dream…and I can control them. I will control you, if that will bring me to your truth."_

"_This is no dream. Nor can you control me," Rook says. "If you say foolish things it will reflect badly on you."_

_I smile, buoyed up with a strange elation. "Is that so? Then do what you always do. Teleport away from me."_

_Rook's expression shifted subtly. A flash and it was gone, but that was enough. "Enough meaningless chatter. What do you want to see?"_

_I tighten my grip, smirking. "I see. Now, how far can I go like this…" I concentrate, gathering an image of Himeko crying. The world around us begins to waver._

"_Such over-foolishness," Rook says, smiling sincerely. "I will enjoy our brief dance." _

_Her left hand unsheathed her sword halfway in an instant, but I focus on just that. It has changed. I can see. And in another instant I grab her left arm with my right, holding her down with an inch remaining in the scabbard. She steps back suddenly, breaking free. Her sword arcs out. I leap back out of reach, stagger and sway, caught on the edge of the pit._

_And so I fall._

_I temper my panic with thought and think of what I most desire. _

External circumstances are nothing compared to self-knowledge. What you must reach for is knowledge of your feelings. Only then can you understand what follows after.

_I catch that thought and twist it, feeling it ease my passage as the world changes round me. But it does not have the texture of my thoughts._

_I stand in a church, or something like a church but twisted, more vulgar, brighter, heady with the same choking power that suffuses the Torii gates. Opposite me is a woman I don't recognise, wearing another bizarre twist on Christian iconography. Something belonging more to a fetish shop than a church._

_She smiles exultantly, raising her hands. "Now, confess everything before God. Tell the truth and make a confession." Her warped amber eyes gaze down on me through her glasses._

_I look around expectantly, trying to find Rook or the other I, but there is no one. There is only me. I look down at myself; I am still clad in my uniform. But now I have a bow, and that comforts me. This is something I can use._

_The woman steps- no, floats- down to the base of the church, still smiling. "Your heart is a stormy ocean. It is raging and crying out loud." She steps forwards, hands clamping together in prayer, her face a ludicrous rictus of melodrama. And so she spreads her hands. "Seeking what it truly desires."_

"_Ridiculous," I say. "I have enough clarity for now."_

_Spontaneously, she cracks. And so everything cracks, the walls, the glass, the floor, everything breaks apart around me. I've become used to this, but this time I am standing in a world of purple light and emptiness. Blindly, I try to imagine a different location, but this time I feel a…resistance. An opposing force holding me down, unable to move at all. What was this power that made my skin crawl?_

_Mirrors surround me, cast from nothing, and her face is there. "What you really want is…"_

_Himeko. That is what I see as the scene in the mirrors changes._

_And changes. And changes. Himeko in a variety of poses and situations…all looking straight at me…_

"_The little bird who chirps by your ear as she inches closer to you. The cute little bird you love."_

"_You're wrong," I say, trying to maintain my composure. _

"_Himeko Kurusugawa."_

_I try to glare at her, but there's nothing to glare at. Nothing to see. "I don't know what happened here before, but Himeko is my friend. Just my friend."_

_At last, her face reappears. "Even if you do defeat the Orochi and save the world, the storm within you will not calm down. When the fighting is over, that is also when your relationship with her ends. You will no longer have that special relationship."_

_I don't know what she's babbling about…no, I'm beginning to understand, this is only a memory. But the image of Himeko and Souma together is rather more compelling. What do I really know about them? About her?_

_That mirror explodes, shards of Himeko's smiling face flashing past me._

_And her arms close around me. The arms of an Orochi. The arms of Himeko. And her words, my desires, a time that passed fast and in confusion as at last I raise my bow and strike back in frustration. To shoot the mirrors that explode. To shoot mirrors that do not explode. Nothing changes. My presence is an irrelevance here, and so I have even less power than my younger self. And while I have the wit to reach for another place, I feel it again. That power. That will._

Be careful what you wish for. The truth is far more terrible than eight million gods, far more cutting.

"_A love without worship. A love sure to harbour regrets. A love that will never come true. Even though you know that, you still-"_

_And her face, Himeko's smiling face._

"_Shut up!" I fire another arrow, not knowing whom I was shouting down, whom I was despising._

_No, calm. Calm down. This is just… just a recording, of a kind. That woman is not I, not one of the manifold I, it cannot meaningfully interact with me. There's no meaning in fear. It is a record of my past self with no bearing on my present-_

_The two of us kissing in my dream. Logic has no place in the heavy wave of memory that flooded me at the sight. The memories of a feeling of a dream, experienced just like this. The dream of kissing Himeko._

"_What you want is happiness between the two of you." The woman drifts upwards, grasping my waist. "But isn't it impossible, since you're a girl?"_

_I look upwards, trying to absolve myself from my circumstances. I can still feel her hands on me. And unbidden to my mind comes Himeko, Himeko at the crosswalk, Himeko at the park, Himeko at the pool, beautiful and pure-_

_I bit my lip. "Why are you doing this?" I demanded hoarsely, unable to move as soft hands began to undress me._

_If the watcher has any words to add, she says nothing._

_And I am abject._

_At last my unseen past self breaks through the chains binding us, and I break my own chains, and wake._

A flush betrays my cheeks, my body no better. And I am trapped. If this is a true memory, it speaks for itself. As a mere fiction of a dream, it is no less suggestive. And what it invokes in me is the memory of my now, too.

If this is the beginning of my greatest past sin… what can I say of my present? And perhaps that, not my past, is my most pressing and dark question.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chains of Memory: Part 23**

Sorry I'm late; I found this chapter especially difficult to write, and it didn't turn out anywhere near my expectations. But that's to be expected of me...

* * *

I studied the sheet of paper, pencil poised. 'Orochi. First, Tsubasa. Seventh, Souma. Eighth, me? Others? Four statues; catgirl, thug, two normal girls. Missing one?' And after due consideration I pencilled in 'nun?' next to the last entry.

Unravelling a nonsensical circumstance… perhaps this a futile task to begin with. But I don't intend to stop now.

The next entry is 'Ame no Murakumo'. And beneath that, the Lunar Miko, and my name again. Next to it, tentatively, is 'Himeko Kurusugawa'.

And what do I see, when I look at all this? Beyond the myths I know, and how little sense this all makes with reference to them, the main thing that occurs is Ogami, and myself. In his case, he is said to have opposed the Orochi. And for my part, I'm said to have joined with Orochi, and become his champion. The two of us, who seem to have subverted our designated goals, are probably important to how things turned out. Even so, I still only slenderly know my past self. As far as I can tell, my feelings connected to Himeko were critical… and if my intuition is correct, that also goes for Ogami.

Though if that's the case, perhaps we aren't the most important breaking point. If I go back to the causes of our two betrayals, it's likely that was her… so it's Himeko at the heart of everything.

I put the pencil down and sighed. All of which is of merely academic interest, compared to the central point. What did I do? What is this past 'I', and is she the same as me? What mustn't I do, if I am to avoid some kind of disaster?

I sighed. Why do I have to live and breathe this, such complexity, such suffering? I'm already pushed hard to achieve everything it is possible for me to achieve, so why do I have to suffer through this as well? A twisted and strange situation in common with no ordinary person, something that sets me apart from everyone around me, even Otoha-san and especially Himeko…and through it all, it's no longer a scenario I can simply doubt. Having to believe in something like this is too much.

Otoha-san knocked on the door. I hurriedly folded the page into one of my textbooks before opening another at random. "Yes? Come in."

"I'm sorry to intrude so early," Otoha-san said, stepping in. "There has been a call from Kazuho-sama."

I nodded, taking the phone from her. "Thank you." She stepped back as I put the phone to my ear, looking down at the desk. "Good morning, Okasama."

"Good morning, Chikane. Sorry for the timing, but I've been having a busy few days."

"Not at all. I know things are always difficult."

"_In any case, Shuusei-sama has resentfully acknowledged your work with the Reynolds. We can take that as applause for a resounding success, since it's coming from him." _Mother paused a beat. _"And I'll congratulate you for that, too. I know it hasn't been very convenient timing for you."_

"Thank you. I only did what was expected, so there's no need to worry about my circumstances." I leaned back in my chair, looking blankly at the open textbook in front of me. "It was a pleasure. The Reynolds are excellent people."

"_So I've heard. And Harry Reynolds?"_

I paused, considering my words. "He is both amicable and diligent, personable enough to get on with those around him without possessing any particular charisma. His intelligence and talent are both fitting enough for him as the son of Andrew. But he has a mature and resiliently hard-working attitude, such as his practise of Japanese. He improved notably over a single week. Though he isn't truly brilliant, he's no kind of liability either."

Mother laughed. _"I see."_

"Okasama?"

"_I had presumed a more…personal assessment, though I'm certainly interested to hear your view of him as another potential heir. But I'm still curious as to what you think of him as a person."_

"Ah."I frowned to myself, picking my words carefully. "He's pleasant enough, and it's agreeable to discuss things with another of similar circumstances to my own. Beyond that, I have no stronger opinion about him."

"_I see. I'll bear that in mind. Putting that matter aside, how did matters go with Eikou-sama?"_

"I broached the subject frankly when pressed to the point and did everything I could," I said. "The difficulty isn't in convincing Eikou-sama of our virtues, I believe, but in the meaning of this rivalry to begin with. It's an understandable position for him to take. I did my best to narrate our own perspective without directly criticising Shuusei-sama."

"_Well done. And your assessment of our longer-term perspectives with him?"_

"Difficult but not impossible. He has no personal commitment to either of the two groups, so if we can give him a pragmatic reason to support us he would. Though of course, his loyalty probably won't ever be something we can count on."

"_Not until we have become Head of Family, anyway," _mother said delicately. _"In any case, this is consistent with my suspicions. At some point in the near future, I may move personally to court Eikou and his family…and at that time, your father and I will probably impose on you and Otoha-san. I hope that won't be too much trouble."_

"Here? In my apartment?" I frowned, feeling surprised. "It isn't any trouble but this place isn't fitting to receive you."

"_Don't overestimate my standards in all these hotels. If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for us. Of course, I would completely understand if you had personal or circumstantial reservations, especially since I can't specify the time with any certainty. We can always use a hotel."_

"If this is what you think best, I'll certainly be thankful to comply," I said. "I'm just puzzled. Why not take advantage of Eikou-sama's hospitality, and so be closer to him and his family?"

"_If this was branch to branch, perhaps I would do so. But I've made a policy to avoid imposing on members of the branch family. It could be perceived as taking advantage of our station, which is not good."_

I nodded. "I understand. In that case, I'll be glad to welcome you."

"_Masato also welcomes the chance to see you again," _mother said lightly. _"In any case, I won't take up your time any longer."_

"Of course. Thank you for calling." I hesitated for a moment, then decided to ask. "Could I ask for your advice on something, before you go?"

"_Of course. You know you can ask me anything. Well?"_

I pulled out the sheet with notes, eyes settling on Himeko's name again. "In terms of my priorities right now, what do you think best? Between my duties and new inter-personal relationships, is there a correct balance to take?"

"_New inter-personal relationships, then? Could it be you're interested in someone?"_

"I've met many people over the past few weeks," I said. "I'm asking this with that fact in mind."

"_Hmm. Well, either way, it's nothing I need to know. In terms of priorities, it would be proper to say that both are important, but it's true to say that the skills and attainments you achieve now will come harder later, and friendships easier."_

"That's true," I said, "to some degree. I suppose I'm being unclear… I'm particularly worried about burdening other people by my absence, if they come to be fond of me."

"_I imagine so, and I sympathise," _mother said, sounding vaguely amused._ "In purely calculating terms there's no urgency to romantic relationships…but that's not convincing, coming from me, is it? As you know, I'll also advocate you pursuing such a thing if you considered it truly worthwhile. Don't hesitate about that."_

I flushed. "It isn't really anything like that…"

"_Oh? In any case, if you're afraid of burdening someone like this you must feel burdened. If that's the case you're allowed to lean on Masato or me or more immediate and important people. If they care for you, that's what they'd want you to do."_

"I'm not burdened," I began weakly. "It's just a concern, that's all."

"_Remember, Chikane, neither you nor I nor anyone in this world can stand alone. You don't need to soften things for me."_

I blinked, looking down. As ever, there's nothing I can hide from mother's perception. "I know that. I just don't want to burden you or anyone else. You have your own problems."

"_Yes, I have my own problems. I had four hours sleep last night and I'm going to be in a meeting for another three before I will have a chance to snatch a second nap. As ever, I'm surrounded by idiots, harassed by my father and dizzy from keeping all the numbers straight in my head. Oh, and I have a daughter who is so stoic she worries me." _Mother laughed. _"I entrust them to your father, and I'll entrust them to you."_

I nodded and smiled, feeling somewhat reassured. "Thank you. I'll try to do that too."

"_Good. In any case, I can only offer artificial advice. You know your own circumstances best, and only you can cleanly answer this question."_

I smiled weakly. "I see. You're right, of course. That's valuable clarification in itself."

"_I trust you to do what is best, and I don't think I have to warn you of anything. I'll look forwards to seeing you again."_

"Likewise. I'll see you at that time."

"_Good-bye."_

"Good-bye." I handed the phone back to Otoha-san and carefully folded my notes back into my textbook again. I was pretty sure she hadn't seen them…

"Is there anything, Ojou-sama?" Otoha-san asked.

"We should expect my parents to come here at some point in the indeterminate future," I said briskly. "They'll stay here rather than Eikou-sama's, so it's something to be ready for."

Otoha-san nodded. "I understand. I will make preliminary preparations." She bowed. "Is there anything else? Or shall I leave you again?"

"Just one thing." I smiled at her. I knew she'd heard, so it was only a question of whether I would entrust her with this. "I hope I haven't been worrying you. As I said, I am worried that the pressures on me will hurt the people around me, too."

"I see. Would this be Kurusugawa-san?"

I frowned, nodding cautiously. "Among other people, yes. As you know, I enjoy her presence, but I'm not confident that knowing her is best, since I'll inevitably be unreliable… no, it's true that as a conscious decision my work is more important than friendship… than her, is how she could take it."

"She would be foolish if she took it that way," Otoha-san said, looking down at me. "This is the correct priority, Ojou-sama. But not just out of objective rightness, but because these are your values as well. Minor compromises are to be expected in interactions with other people, but if your fundamental priorities are a significant problem to her…"

"For my sake as well as hers, is it?" I frowned, my cheer fading again. "I've talked to her about this, and she said she could bear my priorities. I hope that was true."

"I've no doubt of it," Otoha-san said, stepping forwards and touching my shoulder. "That sort of thing isn't uncommon. Kazuho-sama has Masato-sama. Eikou-sama has a family to rely on. And while I can't claim to be anywhere so close, in a small way too, I try and support you."

"And you're burdened by my burdens too," I mused, touching her arm. "Thank you, Otoha-san. In this situation, it's best if I continue, after all."

"I can never precisely understand, but I do know that you're going through an unusual period of doubt and fear," Otoha-san said. "Please ask if I can do anything at all."

"You're probably right." I smiled weakly. "This isn't like me at all, I know. I'll work through it. But first, I'll have my morning tea."

Otoha-san stepped back and bowed. "As you wish. I'll see to it promptly."

I watched her go, before kneeling and sitting on my futon. Yes, this wasn't like me at all.

I know why. Once again, perhaps, everything begins with Himeko. It's certainly true that I don't want to burden her or upset her. But that's also deceptive, to a degree, a projection away from my original, deepest worries, the things I can never mention to Otoha-san and mother. The truth of the 'past', if it is that, and the truth of my own feelings. What am I to Himeko, and what is Himeko to me? I still don't have answers to those questions, but they're becoming steadily more pressing. Increasingly, I'm sure, I want to be with Himeko. More, not less, in spite of everything I'm learning from my dreams, I want to be with her, regularly and reliably, to bring her into my life and trust her and support her and let her support me, carrying my fears. I want that, that much.

That's why I'm increasingly afraid of being with Himeko.

I can't ignore the reality of my dreams any more, so I know without confirmation that did something terrible to Himeko, a terrible betrayal. I can only hope she doesn't remember, and wonder how much I should look at that dream for lessons about my own life. Is this the true nature, the true danger of my feelings for her? If that's the case, surely it would be best for both of us if we never met again?

But I don't know enough about my dreams to even think of sustaining such a radical conclusion just from that. Rather, I should use the logic of normality… and to what degree does that differ? I decided that I would never act on my lesbianism. This society is deeply uncomfortable with it, I can't be sure of my parents and how they would react, and it's an absolute given that Shuusei-sama would be disgusted and outraged if he discovered such an affair. No, perhaps that's going too far. He may be able to overlook a single affair as a childish indiscretion, an immature hangover from my younger years. That would still be unfortunate. If I was in any way serious about a long-term relationship, he'd probably disown me… and of course, that's going too far to begin with. In the first place, there isn't really anything to suggest that Himeko would be interested in such a relationship. The last time I hugged her, she reacted badly even to that. Quite possibly, even confession would drive her away from me as a friend, as well. That's understandable when I consider it. If Harry had confessed to it… no, I like to think it would be worse than that. In any way, I really do want to matter to her.

There's certainly no reason to take such an unreasonable risk. Nor do I have enough reason beyond suspicion to totally push her away. Perhaps remaining her friend is best.

* * *

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" Souma said, looking at me thoughtfully. "Since we did something like this."

I nodded, sipping my lemonade. The café was busy enough around us, including some couples. Though probably, we look like a couple to outsiders. "It's true. How have you been?"

"I've been fine. You know me, I always get by. I'm sorry I haven't been around more, I've been caught up in a lot of different things."

"It's fine. It's to be expected, really, isn't it?" I put my hand on the table, looking at it thoughtfully. "We're all busy right now, so it's hard."

Souma nodded. "And you. How has university been treating you?"

"It's been fine," I said. "Though I have an essay to do over the weekend, and I'm really not looking forwards to that."

"And Saotome?"

My expression flickered slightly, despite myself. "She's fine. She's already joined two sports clubs and is working hard. You know how she is."

Souma frowned at me before nodding slightly. "I see. That sounds like her. I've been having an interesting time with my martial arts. You know, Himemiya turns up every now and then."

"Chikane-chan?" I asked, leaning forwards slightly. "Really? Though that makes sense, I've already seen her fight a little. She's strong."

"Ah. I suspect she's more than able to spar with men. Just like Isato, she's a pretty incredible person."

"Right?" I said enthusiastically. "She has all kinds of talents, so it always makes me a little insecure."

Souma nodded. "I never thought I'd meet another person like him… the Himemiya really are something else."

I nodded. "Chikane-chan can be a little strange, though. She always says that what she does is never for its own sake, so that makes her insincere. I don't really understand."

"It sounds like she's over-thinking things," Souma observed. "But I'm surprised she'd say something like that. She's normally a very proud person."

I shrugged. "Maybe, but she's surprisingly insecure at times. It's almost reassuring to know she has doubts like everyone else."

Souma nodded. "That's the thing. Whatever else, they're both just teenagers like us, with likes and dislikes, a need for friendship, worries, and they love too… it's just not something just anyone realises by looking at them, since they try and hide it."

"It's not as if she's hiding it. I'd say other people don't make enough effort to get to know her properly." I frowned. "How about at your university? Have people been getting to know her, or have you, for that matter?"

"I'm not sure, since we do take different subjects, so I only see her every now and then. I haven't talked to her very much." Souma shrugged. "It's hard to imagine she wouldn't have friends, of course, so I'm sure she's fine."

"Hm. Do you like her?" I asked suspiciously.

"Are you worried I'll steal her?" Souma asked playfully. "No, I don't like her. She has her virtues, but even so, I wouldn't envy her partner."

"Why not?" I asked, pouting. "She's a wonderful person."

"Right. So I could never entirely be comfortable… just being her friend is different from going out with her. And as she says, she's a busy person, with a lot of stresses and difficulty in her life. You'd have to understand you'd always come second to her duty." Souma sighed. "In that respect, she really is the same as Isato."

"If you supported her, it would be fine, right?" I said stubbornly.

"Perhaps. But they're also very aware of their commitments to other people." Souma glanced at me. "That's part of what I wanted to say to you know. Truthfully, I'm worried about her."

I blinked in surprise. "Worried? About Chikane-chan?"

"Yes. As you know, we've all been busy, but Himemiya is always busier than most people are. Now, more than ever before. I know it's not my place to worry about something like this, but she has to do everything for university, her various pastimes and her work for her family whenever that comes up. On top of that, she's trying to see you as much as she can… more than I am, even. I know she's strong, but still, it worries me."

"She's been talking about this herself, like I said." I frowned. "But she said she'd try and do both, to do everything she wanted to do."

"Which is fine as long as she can manage it," Souma said. "Otherwise, she's just pushing herself too hard. Could you say something to her? It's not something I can do myself."

"I can ask her," I said cautiously.

"If you ask her, she'd say everything is fine. She doesn't want to worry you." Souma looked away, his expression troubled. "It's something that you have to tell her."

"I don't know her circumstances well enough to do that, though," I said. "And why are you so worried about her, if you don't like her?"

"Because she's like Isato, and I want to try and do something for her that I could never do for him. That's all." Souma shrugged. "I can understand if you don't want to do it. I just think it would be for the best."

"It's hard to say that, though," I said. "And I'd think that Chikane-chan knows what is best for her in her own case."

"It's true that she's intelligent, but she's also stubborn," Souma said, glancing at me. "She's aware of her surroundings, and she can over-think things unnecessarily. And she's still, for everything, just a teenage girl. She can make mistakes like anyone else… that's why I'm worried."

"Well, perhaps," I admitted. When he talks about her like that, he reminds me of Reiko-sensei, and everything she said. A Chikane-chan who loves me, one I don't understand at all.

"And she has a natural sense of obligation. If she considers herself obliged to see you out of politeness, I've no doubt she'd do so without hesitation. Even if it meant avoiding new friendships and struggling to do everything she had to do." Souma looked at me, his eyes intense. "In that situation, the main question is about your priorities, rather than her feelings. Do you want what's best for Himemiya, or what is best for you?"

"I think they could be the same thing," I said stubbornly. "I'm not sure, of anything. And that's why I still want to get to know her better."

Souma held my gaze for a long moment, then looked down. "I… can't do it. Not like this."

I frowned. "Ogami-kun?"

Souma leaned forwards, holding my gaze. "Do you love her?"

"Sorry?"

Souma frowned, leaning back and folding his arms. "Sorry for saying this so bluntly, but it's a really important question… do you love her? Not in the sense of a friendship. Do you love her romantically?"

I flushed deeply, looking down at the table. "Why are you asking this so suddenly?"

"Because I know she loves you," Souma said. "And I don't think I can trust her."

"Why? How? What are you talking about?" My expression darkened as suspicion dawned and flourished. "You're… part of this, aren't you? My dreams, and Tsubasa, and Chikane, and Reiko-sensei too."

Souma nodded tensely. "Yes. I'm part of it. If you want to hate me, that's okay, but believe me when I say I don't want anything but what's best for you."

"Is that the same as what's best for Chikane-chan?" I asked. "You also decided that for yourself."

"Yes. How much do you remember? About our past?"

"I remember kissing you," I said, the first thing that came to mind. "And then I cried."

Souma flushed with embarrassment. "That's not important, relatively speaking," he said defensively. "How much do you remember about the Orochi?"

"Not much," I admitted. "What do you remember?"

"There were eight," Souma said after a while. "Tsubasa was one. I was another, but I fought to defend you. And Himemiya was another, but she didn't defend you. She betrayed you and left you alone."

I felt an irrational anger welling up inside me, sponging up this much information without giving me pause. I slammed my hands on the table. "I know that. I know there's something you're hiding from me and Reiko is hiding from me and my dreams are hiding from me, something important. Tell me! How can I decide anything if I don't even know that much?"

"If I tell you, it's only going to hurt you," Souma said warningly. His eyes flickered left and right, inspecting the rest of the café.

"I don't care about that," I said impatiently. "Just tell me. I'm tired of being patronised by everyone… if it's this important, I won't let you get away from this."

"I can't tell you."

I stood, breath coming fast. "Fine." I know, I know it's important, so close, just beyond reach, I can't turn away. So I turned my back on him, instead, and began to walk away.

"Wait!" Souma hurriedly put money on the table then ran after me. "Wait, Himeko! I'll tell you."

I stopped, waiting for him. "Okay."

Souma caught up, glancing at me. "Isn't there anything else I can say? Some other way? Can't you just trust me when I say that you should be careful of Himemiya, and avoid her if you can?"

I carried on walking. "This is too important for that," I said simply.

"Then at least promise me this," Souma said, walking beside me and lowering his voice. "Don't hate me for what I'm about to say."

"Just tell me."

"Himemiya, she…" Souma faltered for a moment, then started again. "It's true when I say that she loved you, I don't doubt it. But even so I remember she was stubborn, and she didn't acknowledge you very much in public. Even I didn't really see the full extent of it all. And she didn't have powers, like I did, not at first… but she was cold and more than able to fight with the intent to kill… I don't really understand her circumstances, or her feelings, or her intent, or anything at all… I only know what I know…"

I didn't say anything, since somewhere amid that tangled thread of evasions and apologies I could perceive it myself. That Chikane-chan really had done something terrible.

"And I don't understand your feelings, either, or what came afterwards. What happened at the end. But… I felt it. I saw it." Souma spoke quietly, just by my side. "What she did to you on that night."

I clapped my hand to my forehead, feeling pain ripple through my skull.

"Himeko?" he asked worriedly.

"It's nothing," I whispered. "Continue."

"Are you sure?"

My head pulsed, making me feel sick. "Just get on with it."

"It was just the two of you, in her mansion, before I came. The piano room."

A dark night came unbidden to my mind, and my memories of racing to meet her, to see her, being stopped. My headache was getting worse. I rubbed my forehead and closed my eyes, trying to force it into silence.

Stop-

"And what I found there… I can't say it…"

Stop this, since to continue

When I opened my eyes, my vision was blurry and unclear. "Say it!"

"You're not well, Himeko. Calm down." I vaguely felt him shaking my shoulders.

Is to invite disaster and a

I grabbed one of his arms tightly, glaring at where his face probably was. "Just tell me," I ordered, my voice laden with menace I never knew I had.

He was silent for a moment, and then he said it in a single rush. "She raped you, okay!"

Burden that is mine, not yours, to bear.

I'm not sure what happened next. There was movement, and falling, and he said something but it was so far away, and thousands of images flashed through my mind. The first clear sensation I felt through the maelstrom was a sharp pain was my knee collided with the floor. And when I regained something like conscious thought amidst the agonising pain I found myself kneeling on the floor, with Souma kneeling anxiously by my side.

Many thoughts and many memories beset me, but I'm beginning to see things more clearly. "So that's what it is."

"Are you okay, Himeko?" Souma asked, taking my shoulder. "Listen, no matter what, you have to be strong, okay-"

I looked at him and smiled. "You're lying."

Souma glanced blankly at me. "Himeko."

I stood on unsteady feet, brushing myself off. "That makes sense," I said, with a brightness to cover my pain. "If you're one of them, then of course you would lie to me. Saying something stupid like that is meaningless, though."

I'm hurt, though. I didn't think Souma would ever lie to me. I thought I could trust him.

"I'm not lying," Souma said, glancing at me, his expression stricken. "Don't you remember? That night in the piano room, when she beat me and left you broken and departed? And afterwards, when you were all alone and waiting for her? There's no way I'd make up something like this!"

Why? Why is he lying? I don't understand what motivations he has. Or is he jealous of her? Could that be it? Jealousy is a terrible thing.

_I'm tired of this child's play._

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said, turning away. "But it's in really bad taste. Why are you doing this? Because you are jealous?"

"I told you, Himeko, I'd never do anything to you that wasn't for your sake," he said urgently. "This is the same. And you told me, too, that you knew there was something like this!"

That's another lie.

_Your lips are sweet._

If this is the necessary way to survive, then I'll condone it. Never open Pandora's box.

I slapped myself violently, dismissing the voice from my mind.

He stepped in front of me, grabbing my shoulders. "Calm down, Himeko. At least stay with me, I'll take you back."

"I'm calm," I said, fighting the tears welling up in my eyes. "I just don't understand… why you're lying to me…"

He looked into my eyes, then smiled weakly. "Yes, I'm lying. I'm sorry, Himeko."

My head throbbed and I stumbled past him. "Go away."

_Do you love me?_

I scrabbled through my bag for my phone, breathing heavily. I'll prove it. I'll prove that it's a lie, and find out the truth myself.

I don't need anyone else, but I want to see her. I have to see her. Everyone else would lie, I'm sure, since everyone is always standing in our way. Otoha. Mako-chan. They're all the same, when I remember, there isn't anyone who approves of her and me. They're all selfishly trying to stop us. Tsubasa, too. And my dreams, too.

_Now your heart will be filled with me._

If I'm by her side, I won't need anyone else any more. I just have to get that far. I angrily wiped away the tears that ran down my cheeks. There's no need to cry. I believe in Chikane-chan.


	24. Chapter 24

**Chains of Memory: Part 24**

The Pope returns, so thanks to him and all of my much-appreciated reviewers.

And on Souma. Of all the Orochi, Souma of the series appeared to lack the basic qualification of an Orochi, hatred. Oh, he had a big family trauma, but he didn't even _remember _it. Isn't it good that he was such a pure, kind soul, hmm? Otherwise the story would look a lot different.

* * *

"Himeko, can you please just calm down?"

I pressed the button for the third floor, ignoring him. I ignored my raging migraine, too. All of it was unnecessary.

"I understand you're afraid… or maybe I don't understand. It's possible I could never understand. But this isn't going to help, Himeko. Seeing her right now isn't going to help or her. Do you really want her to see you like this?"

Like a buzzing fly, only more manipulative. I panted heavily, waiting for the lift to arrive. Come on, come on. I don't have time for this.

"Can you at least talk to me, Himeko?"

"Are you going to stop me by force," I asked, glancing at him again. "If you're so convinced of this, you can always do that."

"I'd never do something like that!" he said. "I just want to protect you, that's all, and I'd never hurt you."

"Everyone always says that," I managed. "Because I'm weak. It's not like I don't know. But I didn't ask any of you for that."

"It's not because you're weak."

"Then it's for your sake. Not mine." The door opened so I stepped past him, walking down the corridor towards Chikane-chan's apartment. I remember where it was. Of course I remember. I wouldn't forget something like that.

"No! I just don't want to see you hurt, so is that wrong?" He ran after me. "Never mind that, are you really sure about this?"

"Just go away," I said, stopping in front of the door and ringing the bell.

He didn't say anything more, but he kept following me. Wasn't he bored or something?

It was opened by Otoha, whose eyes widened in surprise. "Kurusugawa-san?"

"Is Chikane-chan here?"

"Ojou-sama is out," Otoha said cautiously, glancing between us suspiciously. "Is there something wrong? And who is this?"

"Ah, I'm Souma Ogami," he said in embarrassment. "I was a friend with Isato Himemiya, a friend of Himeko's, and I'm in the same year at Tokyo Uni."

"So you're not her friend," Otoha observed. "Ojou-sama's. But that's an aside… what are you doing here?"

"I need to see her," I said. "It's important."

Yes, she was definitely one of the people who always interfered. Interferes. This isn't in the past, this is now. That past isn't really to begin with, doesn't have any relevance to my world.

"Can we wait for her, if it isn't too much trouble?" he said. "I'm sorry about this."

"There's something wrong, isn't there?" Otoha-san glared at me, then sighed when I said nothing. "Very well. If I turned you away, Ojou-sama would never forgive me. You'd better come in."

I couldn't even find the energy to thank her, stepping into the house and pulling off my shoes as best I could.

"Sorry for intruding," Souma said apologetically, following me.

"Be on your best behaviour," Otoha said sharply. "You know, the Himemiya family has a tradition. The home of a Himemiya daughter is a place no boy is allowed to go. In that respect, I'm failing your duty just permitting you to be here."

I told you, didn't I? All men are-"Really? Isato never mentioned that-"

I flinched, clapping my hands over my ears. That's wrong! I don't know anything about that.

"It's a pretty interesting rule," he said, covering the awkward pause. "Somehow I don't think Himemiya is in any danger from me, though."

"Tradition is tradition," Otoha said, still looking thoughtfully at me. "A holdover from a more courtly and elegant age than now. In any case, please sit down. I'll make tea to help you pass the time."

I collapsed onto a chair at the breakfast table, awkwardly twining my hands together in my lap. "When will Chikane-chan be here?"

"Her kyudo lesson lasts for several hours," Otoha said. "Afterwards, I'd expect her to go to the library to study. She has a lot of work to do, and may not be back before dinner."

Souma sighed. "Can we phone her after her lesson's finished, and ask if she could come back sooner? Or we could go to meet her… this is important."

"I can't stop you from asking her, but I wouldn't recommend it," Otoha said, stepping into the kitchen. "Of course, if I had a clearer sense of the urgency of the situation I'd be able to do more myself."

"It's personal," he said. "I can't say anything. Himemiya wouldn't want me to say anything, either. It's between those two."

"Then why are you here?"

"I'm just looking after her."

"No one asked you to do that," I repeated tiredly. My hands squeezed each other so tightly they'd started to hurt. I'd come this far, but I was still just here, alone.

Why did she leave me behind?

Otoha-san frowned. "If you have a vague reason to be here, I'll put you to work." She pointed towards the back of the apartment. "Come with me, Ogami. I'll show you what I expect you to do."

Souma said nothing for a moment, then nodded. "I understand."

"What about me?" I asked, as they began to walk off.

"It's fine if you wait here," Otoha-san said. "You're Ojou-sama's important guest."

"Important…" I drifted off as they did, looking down at the floor. My head was still throbbing, but at least my vision had settled, and I wasn't hearing any more voices. That meant I was getting better, right?

I looked around. I don't remember this place. It's only in this world. But I saw her, didn't I? Otoha. In my dreams, before I met her here, that time with the bath and the two of us… I flushed, closing my eyes and pressing my hands against my forehead. Which was just a dream. There's no significance to it. I probably invented that memory just now, now that I know her face. Since you don't normally remember dreams, it makes a lot of sense. I can remember whatever I like.

But even though I run and run she's not here. Chikane. I can't know her, I can't hold her, make her wait for me, understand her, all I see is her crescent-slit back as she walks away, comes again, here and going. I can't control her. She makes me abject.

That is not just fear, but also the nature of love. You don't have to only see the darkness, since there is also light.

I slapped myself again, trying to shake that voice from my mind. "Shut up!"

Otoha-san came back after a while, leaving Souma behind somewhere. I'm not really interested. "How are you feeling, Kurusugawa-san?" she asked, a little more brightly.

"I'm okay," I said absently, drumming my fingers on the table. "I just have to wait."

"And I'll make the tea I promised you," Otoha-san said, stepping back into the kitchen. "Do you make tea as well? You could join me for another lesson."

I glanced suspiciously at her, my eyelids heavy. "Is this so you can tell me to keep away from Chikane-chan again?"

"It's nothing like that," Otoha-san said. "If I was going to say that again, I'd say it whether you were here or there. I merely thought you might be interested."

"I can wait here or there," I said, looking down again. "It doesn't make any difference."

"Then indulge me. Ojou-sama has no interest in cooking or anything like that, which is proper. She has me. Even so, I enjoy showing myself off, and there aren't any novice maids around here." Otoha-san opened a cupboard, carefully taking down several cups. "You'll have to do."

I looked up at her with vague interest. "How long have you been with Chikane-chan?"

"Since we were both very young, too young for me to remember a time before," Otoha-san said. "That is also a family tradition. So there isn't anyone who knows her better than I do, except Kazuho and Masato-sama, of course."

"Has she ever had a boyfriend?"

"Hey, I can't teach you if you sit around all day," Otoha-san chided, glaring at me. "Hurry up."

I pulled myself to my feet and walked into the kitchen, mostly out of an exhausted kind of inertia. "Well?"

"Never, in spite of many offers," Otoha-san said. "She has always said she doesn't need that complexity now, so she'll wait."

I nodded vaguely, watching her as she worked. "And what do you think?"

"Pardon?"

"If you know her well, what's your opinion?" I said flatly.

Otoha-san stopped for a moment. "It's a personal matter of Ojou-sama's, so I don't give it any consideration," she said eventually. "I trust her not to make any bad decisions."

"It must be heavy," I said. All that trust.

"In any case, watch me carefully," Otoha-san said. "This is nothing like the common form of tea. It's something Ojou-sama has come to expect and appreciate, too, but there's an art to it. This alone, she's also learned herself, since it's part of tea ceremonies, of course…"

I allowed myself to follow her chatter. It was better than following the ragged tail of a thread of a thought of an explanation of a dream. Something that didn't happen.

* * *

I reached kai, eyes and body lost in the motions of the shot, and released. I maintained my position as the arrow shot from my bow, hitting the target with a thunk. Finally, I breathed out and allowed myself to lower my position and inspect the shot.

"Another direct hit. You have a demon's eye, Ojou-chan."

I turned to the older man standing next to me and smiled. "You do me too much credit. This is merely what's been taught by years of more hard work than I would like, and more luck than I'd care to admit right now."

Kan-san snorted, shaking his head. "There's no need to be modest with me, Ojou-chan. I've been practising for twenty years and I'd be glad if I had half that 'luck' we call skill."

"Simply shooting arrows well is meaningless, though," I said. "I've watched you shoot. My form is nowhere near as refined."

"There's something to be said about correct form," Kan-san said, nocking another arrow. "But there's also something to be said for shooting arrows well, and one leads to the other. Your form can't be as ugly as you think."

"Thank you." I fell silent, watching carefully as he went through the elegant, simple motions of stepping, forming, readying, raising, drawing and firing. No matter his own modest words, he has wonderful form, something that can only come from experience. I don't know why, but in a way unlike music or calligraphy I can receive a kind of peace from watching a master archer at work.

The shot hit home and he turned to me again. "Well, this is how it should be. Have you been in any competitions? With that accuracy, I'm sure I would have noticed you."

"I've never entered competitions. My previous teacher held that they were an unnecessary distraction."

"That may well be, in one sense," Kan-san said, looking across at me. "But that doesn't mean I wouldn't think it a good thing if our sport had someone like you to speak of. Too many teenagers are playing games or loafing around or doing god knows what with their Saturdays. Too much emphasis on western sports, too. Basketball, baseball, I don't have much patience from such things."

"While I don't have a personal interest in them, I can understand the appeal of a team sport," I said. "And kyudo is normally something learned at a later age. Perhaps there would be more interest if it was open to younger people, before they become locked in other sports?"

"There may be something in that," Kan-san conceded. "Though the accident rate is high enough as it is. If people consider it dangerous, that's the last thing we want."

"Well, danger can be interesting to young people," I said reasonably, drawing my last arrow. He fell silent and let me go through my own steps, and for my own part I let myself flow through the motions I know my heart, drifting into the total focus of the shot.

And it flew, and I flew, though I stood and eventually lowered the bow. Another hit close to the centre line.

I don't know why, but of all my practises kyudo came to me more easily than most. Just as much as kenjutsu, picking up my bow and learning felt part new, and part homecoming. And with that, the demon's eye.

As much as I'm uncomfortable with my undeserved talent, it's reality that many things come easily to me. It would be churlish to pretend that's not true, but vulgar to speak of it.

I dressed quickly once the session ended, packing all my equipment away and stepping outside. Were I a man, and a chest protector unnecessary… I don't relish having to carry everything around. But going home to drop everything off then coming back would also be arduous and time-consuming. What to do now?

My reverie was interrupted by my phone vibrating, which startled me. I wasn't expecting any calls. I dropped my bag and adjusted the enormous cover for my bow over my shoulder, reaching for the pocket of my coat with my free hand and pulling it out. "Hello?"

"_Sorry to disturb you, Ojou-sama. I take it your lesson is over?"_

"Yes. What's wrong?"

"_Kurusugawa-san is waiting for you at the apartment, Ojou-sama," _Otoha-san explained. _"I know you're busy, but if it is convenient for you to drop by, that may be prudent. Souma Ogami-kun is here as well."_

I narrowed my eyes, frowning at that news. I didn't like it. "Ogami?"

"_Yes. But I'm more worried about Kurusugawa-san. She doesn't look well. Ogami-kun mentioned relationship troubles, though he wasn't any more specific than that. But Kurusugawa-san says she wants to see you."_

"I understand. That's more than enough for me. Tell her I'll come home as quickly as I can."

"_Thank you. In the meantime, I'll continue to look after her, but it does worry me. She's quite different from the cheerful girl she was the first time."_

I closed my eyes. "I'll leave it in your hands. Well, then." I rang off, returning my phone to my pocket.

"I'll look forwards to your presence next week, Ojou-chan," Kan-san said, waving at me.

I bowed my head. "Likewise. Thank you for your guidance." Once he turned away I straightened up and hurried the other way, struggling to balance my bag and my bow. I didn't like the sound of all this at all, and couldn't feel or think of anything save for a vague, lingering foreboding. Without really understanding, I was almost sure that it was something bad. Something terrible.

I was also worried that it was my fault. If she'd somehow found out about my true, conflicted feelings for her-

I shook my head vigorously. No. No way. I'd been prudent, and careful, it shouldn't be possible.

Unless Himeko has dreams.

Unless Himeko has seen me kissing her sleeping self, and enjoying it so.

I walked faster. Ogami's simply the final blow, I'm almost sure I can already do myself in without him. But that doesn't matter, really. Whatever it is, whatever I need to say, I'll say it. Even if it causes me misery, to relieve her burdens and see Himeko smile, that has to be worth it. I'm sure of it. That's the only good that can come out of these overwhelming feelings…

So before, so again. We're always so eager to bleed.

I stopped, shot by a sudden, cold fear. But there was nothing more.

* * *

I pulled out my keys, still awkwardly balancing my bow across my shoulders, and opened the door. "I'm back."

"Welcome back, Ojou-sama." Otoha-san bowed, accepting my bow and bag as I handed them to her and whisking them away.

I slid off my shoes and switched to slippers, closing the door behind me before she returned to take my coat. I slipped my phone out of my pocket, putting it on the side, before shrugging off my black walking coat and handing it to her. "Where is she?"

"Waiting in the main room," Otoha-san said promptly, stepping out of my way.

I walked past her, taking in both Himeko and Ogami, sitting and waiting for me. "Good afternoon," I said, managing a smile. "This is an unexpected surprise."

"Chikane-chan," Himeko said weakly, looking at me before dropping her gaze. Her normally open face was twisted and unreadable, a sight that needled my heart painfully. "You came."

"Of course. I do live here, you know," I said, trying to sound cheerful. I carried on towards her, trying to work out what had eluded me all the way here. Just what could be wrong with her?

"I'm sorry to intrude," Ogami said, giving me a tense look. "I've spoken to her about the matter I alluded to with you before, and she's currently in a rather distressed state. She wanted to see you."

"I see. I'll bear that in mind," I said coldly. So this is his fault.

"I'm not sure how prudent it is for her to be here, though. But it's not mine to judge."

I nodded, walking round the table and sitting opposite Himeko. "Quite," I said, smiling dangerously. "By the way, has Otoha-san mentioned our oldest tradition?"

"About my presence being taboo? It came up," Ogami said, smiling insincerely. "It's very-"

"Don't speak about that." Himeko looked down at the floor. "Don't."

I blinked at her distress. "I'm sorry. It's only a rather playful in-joke. In any case, you look pale. Is there something wrong?"

"I'm tired." Himeko closed her eyes. "Tired of… tired of all of this. I want to talk to you."

I nodded, my heart twitching at her sad and serious tone. Yes, this couldn't be anything good. "What is it?"

"Somewhere private, without the other two," Himeko specified. "It's important."

"I understand. Very well." I stood, offering my hand. "Why don't we talk in my room? It's a little more private there."

"Yes." Himeko pushed herself up and turned away from me without making eye contact, walking past Otoha-san.

I let my hand fall, hiding my disappointment, and moved to follow her.

Ogami gave me a sharp look. "Don't do anything unwise, Himemiya."

"Of course," I shot back, glaring at him. "You've already done that, haven't you?"

He didn't say anything as I walked away, and that worried me even more. And again, this foreboding. My intuition is rarely wrong, and rarely do I wish so hard for it to be wrong. I sighed, frowning reproachfully at myself. No, this isn't the time for such nonsense thoughts. Concentrate on what is in front of you. That's what Himeko needs.

I closed the door behind us, looking up to find that Himeko was already perched on the bed. I paused for a moment, unsure where to put myself. Opposite was more earnest, but sitting beside her would be less confrontational, more comforting…

And Himeko looked at with liquid purple eyes and spoke.

"Do you like me?"

I blinked, fighting to keep my face impassive. But I couldn't restrain a small gasp of surprise. "Himeko?"

"Well, do you like me?"

Oh god. Oh god. I am not ready for this conversation. My head whirled and from it I groped for an answer. 'Like'. Only 'like.' Plausible deniability.

"Yes," I said, smiling as best I could. "Of course I do, Himeko."

"I see." Himeko glanced up at me, her expression blank. "So you would never hurt me, right?"

"Of course," I nodded, wondering where this conversation was coming from and where it was going. It feels like only she has a script to a play I don't know. "I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. Though, it's conceivable I might do such a thing in spite of myself, and if that happened I'll apologise humbly, so-"

"I see. I see." Himeko smiled broadly, and began to cry. "That's a relief," she choked.

"Himeko? Himeko!" I stared at her, struck by a wretched indecision.

"Because, because Souma lied," Himeko said, rubbing her eyes and turning her head away. "And he said something terrible, the important think I couldn't remember-"

"It's okay, Himeko, you don't need to talk," I said, set in motion by an incoherent panic and fear. Attracted and repulsed. I forced myself to move forwards, awkwardly hugging her to me. "It's okay."

Himeko put her arms around the small of my back, burying her head in my stomach. My shirt was stained with tears.

And this heat, this touch, and these words are echoing.

"And I knew he was lying, it didn't make any sense," Himeko said. "Since Chikane-chan is kind, and warm, and my friend, like an angel, there's no way she'd do anything like that… even though Souma shouldn't lie…"

I stared at the wall opposite me, feeling an intense pressure and an equally oppressive anger. "What did he say?"

"So I'm glad you like me." Himeko wrapped her arms more securely around me, her voice more steady than before. "But you don't love me, right?"

No. Please, anything but this conversation.

"Because that would be strange, since we're both girls, right?" Himeko laughed, looking up at me. And tears were still flowing from her eyes. "It's funny, isn't it? Such a stupid idea…"

I tried to say something, but no words came. And in that moment I understood the exquisite difference between a mere noble resolution and cold, bleak reality. Even if I said 'this perverse love must not come true' I know there was some part of me that dared to hope and dream and long, but now my emotions are dashed with rocks, break and die. And amidst that pain there's also a seed of anger. Anger and hate. So it was so laughable as all this, was it, so pathetic? So this feeling that was so earnest to me could only find contempt in the world and in her heart, was that how it was?

"Chikane-chan?"

I stared down at her red and troubled eyes, and tried to find my voice. No. That's all I had to say. Of course not. Smile if I could. Deny this instinct, this longing, welling ever upwards as I look for her and cry for her and now more than ever wish only to take her and hold her and comfort her and steal breath from her lips with my kiss-

Say it.

I realised my breath was ragged. I fought to control it, to gather enough to speak, soon enough that my words wouldn't ring false and betray me.

"You're, you're hurting me," Himeko said, struggling in my grip.

I let go of her, aghast. "Sorry, Himeko," I managed. Even so, she kept holding me.

She looked up at me, dishevelled and tearful and vulnerable and more ugly than I'd ever seen her before, so beautiful to me.

Say it! Say it now!

"Of course," I managed, my throat aching. "I'm… I'd never…"

"_A love without worship. A love sure to harbour regrets. A love that will never come true. Even though you know that, you still-"_

And I kissed you. I kissed you in my dreams.

"You said you'd never hurt me!"

And anger. "So what?" I snapped, unable to control my words. "What have I done? What have I done to you?"

"Why did you lie?" Himeko shouted back, and by this point nothing made any sense at all.

"And a love that cannot come true must be crushed into dust… don't fuck with me!" I shoved her, sending her sprawling back.

And I stared in horror at her staring with horror at me.

Everything turning to ash, even so, I have to save something. "Himeko, I-" I raised a hand hopelessly, trying to find words. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I didn't that. Please understand that!"

Himeko looked down, the tears flowing freely again. "So answer me. Do you love me?"

"I- love you," I said hopelessly. This… this was not how I'd imagined this scene would be.

"_-seek to trap and cage your little bird forever."_

Himeko glanced at me in something approaching disbelief. "Why… why are you also lying…"

"I'm not lying," I said bitterly. "So I don't understand, why this is so horrible, when I haven't even done anything!"

"But that's also a lie," Himeko said, scrabbling to get away from me. "Souma said it, that you did such a horrible thing!"

Now, this is it. Do or die.

"What are you talking about?" I said, not even sure who I was talking to.

"He said that you raped me!"

"That's-"

It hit me, a greater pain than I could ever imagine. My back arched as I fell to my knees, as if a brand had been thrust against my spine beneath my shoulder blades, and my head hurt no less. And I saw.

And I screamed.

When I could see again despite the pain, Otoha-san had burst into the room. "Ojou-sama!"

I looked up hazily. "Get out," I croaked. And Himeko was just crying.

"Himemiya!" Ogami pushed roughly past her, grabbing me by the shirt and hoisting me up. "What did you do to her?"

"Get off," I spat, my sight wavering.

"Now do you understand-"

That smug face.

My right hand lashed out before I understood what I was doing, my palm smashing brutally into the centre of his forehead. He staggered, blinking rapidly, then collapsed.

"What's going on, Ojou-sama?" Otoha-san asked hysterically.

"Get out, get out, get out!" I screamed, feeling my wet eyes tremble. "This is my command, get out of my sight!"

Otoha-san managed to nod, looking terrified, and knelt to try and pick up Souma.

I threw my head back, trying to cope with everything and failing utterly. Right now, I'd rather not be. "Himeko."

She didn't reply, being too busy sobbing. So I could only assume that she could hear me.

"It looks like you're right," I said, trying to keep my voice from breaking. I looked up at the ceiling, feeling dead. "Get out of here. Don't come back. I don't want to see you again. And all of that is for your sake as well as mine."

"What are you talking about?" Otoha-san asked from the door. "Ojou-sama?"

"I'm sure I gave you an order," I said, a rictus smile and barely controlled tears. "Or have you forgotten your place? Go!"

"If you're mistaken," Otoha-san said defiantly. "It is my place to stop you."

"Fine. But I'm not mistaken… since I love this girl so much I want to live and breath and feel her and only her, forever. That's all."

"Oh." And she said nothing more, and turned and retreated from my sight.

And with that, I felt the darkness settle on my heart.

Every blame must be put in its proper place.

A world that despises you must be destroyed.

And a love that cannot come true must be crushed into dust.

It's only now that I can understand your words… the late, great, mad sister I, Chikane Himemiya.

"So you came again."

"You need to get a mobile phone," I said roughly. "Having to go this far, and it's a risk if I'm seen talking to you."

Nii-san smirked, watching me innocently. "Is that how to talk to your one and only brother?"

"If we can make something of that after, I will. But this comes first, doesn't it?" I said. "I'm sure you'd agree."

"Ah." Tsubasa cocked his head. "But you have a lovely bruise. What happened?"

"Himemiya. I seized her, and she knocked me out with one blow," I explained awkwardly. "I knew it before, but she has the strength of a demon… and the same disposition."

"It's a truth you and others doubt. No one really believe me when I say that that girl is the same as me, as terrifying as me." Tsubasa laughed. "It must be because she has breasts. I wonder, would people overlook my nature if I bad them too?"

"That's not important. Nothing permanent. More importantly, Himeko forced me to tell her the truth."

"The truth?"

"That truth."

"And you told her?" Tsubasa stood, moving to circle me. "You really believe in it, don't you, this tough love."

I caught his shoulder before he could move behind me, glaring at him. "She confronted Himemiya, who realised it too. I don't know the details, but Himemiya sent Himeko away."

"I see. Then, shouldn't you be comforting her, rather than reporting here to me? I appreciate the gesture, of course."

I shrugged. "It's difficult to say, but she may well be hostile to me right now. She's with Saotome, who is looking after her. I'm not necessary right now, since I'm also a reminder of the traumatic past."

"How selfless. You haven't changed." Tsubasa reached out, touching my cheek. "Is that really okay? Aren't you going to lose her as well?"

"That's fine. I never intended to try and win her in the first place." I took a breath and closed my eyes. "She's safe from a rapist… that's all that matters to me. Neither my feelings, nor your ideals, have anything to do with it."

"Disappointing. Even so, I'll congratulate you." Tsubasa's hand slid upwards, probing my forehead painfully. "As I expected, when you lend me your power there's nothing that can't be done. I'm just surprised that you'd be so eager to go back on the actions of your past self, the smiling martyr I watched so closely in the end."

"That was different, the circumstances and the aim." I opened my eyes, glaring at him. "I don't have to follow the ideals of the old me."

"If that's so, Himemiya doesn't have to follow the path of her old self." Tsubasa leaned in to my ear, whispering. "You should be honest about it… your own deep hatred."

"I'm not the same as you."

"Hypocrites can't sleep at night," Tsubasa warned, stepping away and closing his eyes. "So come to me again, when you've realised it. What you've become."


	25. Chapter 25

**Chains of Memory: Part 25**

This hardly bears mentionning, but in the interests of avoiding misunderstanding the opinions of Chikane in the depths of emotional despair are not representative of my own. If they were, I'd have problems...

* * *

I sit on a chair and see nothing and know nothing and think of nothing. Whether this is truth or madness, it has broken me. In this moment, there is nothing left.

I drive my nails into the skin of my palm, face set. This is nothing… nothing compared to the pain mother must have felt in that moment… I haven't forgotten that since then, for her sake, I promised to myself that I would shine like a star, more brilliant than ten siblings that could have been, to take away her pain, to take away her regret… that is what I must remember. If- one part of my life is over, and my innocence of direct personal tragedy is over, and even if my faith in myself is over, even so, I can't afford to have a breakdown here. I have things, things that need to be done. They don't quite spring to mind but I know they are out there somewhere. No, maybe this is good. Maybe this is clarity. I was- naïve, to think that anything could have come of such disgusting feelings. Depraved. And in those lustful dreams I almost lost sight of my determination, my vision, the most important things. So, for that reason, I am- lucky. Lucky that it ended this way, rather than blunting myself slowly on her unbroken heart. My vision swam and I wiped my eyes angrily. I didn't have any regrets. There wouldn't be meaning in having any regrets.

My hands were hurting, so I finally remembered to unclench my fists. Focus. Breathe. Think. There are things I had to do.

"I owe you an explanation," I said dully.

"You don't have to say anything before you're comfortable," Otoha-san said gently, from the kitchen. Nominally, she was washing up, but I knew she was just watching over me. "It's probably best if you let yourself rest for now, and distracted yourself with other things."

"But I owe you this explanation now," I said hoarsely. "In any case, there's nothing to say. It's true I was crushing on that girl, and I told her, and… it ended badly. I overreacted. I didn't know I was this uncontrollable."

"It's not unexpected, when it comes to matters of the heart," Otoha-san said awkwardly.

"But I should be able to control my impulses," I snapped. "Otherwise I'm nothing better than a beast."

"It's not degenerate to cry out when you are hurt," Otoha-san said. "And the wounds she gave you are no less real, even if they are unseen. What's important is that you stand up and move forwards."

Easy for her to say. I closed my eyes and forced myself to nod. "I know. Brooding is meaningless."

"I'm here, and your parents would also support you. I know this is difficult, but we can't do anything more than stand by. Just remember we have faith in you. This is not the end of the world."

"I know," I said sourly. "And slap me if I began writing poetry. Have you told my parents?"

"Of course not."

"Good. Don't mention this to them. There's no need." I stiffly raised my hand and drummed my fingers on the table, trying to work out what came next. "And as for the aftermath… I will apologise to Ogami tomorrow, and let him convey my apologies to the girl. Hopefully, that should be enough."

"Is that really okay, Ojou-sama? Wouldn't it be better to talk to Kurusugawa-san one more time?"

"I don't have anything more to say to her," I said raggedly.

Otoha-san stepped towards me, looking anxious. "But-"

"It's final. There's no turning back." I looked down at the table. "Bring me my phone, and I'll block her number. There aren't any photographs. That manga she lent me, I will give back to Ogami. That's everything, isn't it?"

"I understand your feelings, but please be a little more patient about this. You're in a wrought state of mind, you may make decision you will regret…"

"I won't regret this. I need this." I closed my eyes, trying to control the emotion in my voice. "Please."

Otoha-san sighed. "I understand. I will do as you say."

"It's almost funny," I murmured. "How easy it will be to excise her from my life. We really were just brief, chance acquaintances, after all…"

"That's all anyone ever is," Otoha-san observed from the doorway. "But we come to know people."

"And sometimes we turn away at that point." I scowled. No, was this really it? There should be something else-

My hand flew to my pendant, closing around it with a snap. No. No. No, no, no, no. Anything but that.

It's ironic, isn't it? I smirked viciously. Before, I considered this some kind of blessing, some kind of sign. Now I understand she was usurping something that belonged only to me and father, and I don't want her chains around my neck from now on. But it's not something I can simply cast aside. This pendant is still full of my father's precious feelings… again; I can't be overruled by my adolescent feelings. I should be maturer than that, rather than being dismayed by simple associations.

Nor should I find this a reminder of something I consider my fault. Heaping myself high with guilt and pain won't change anything now. It's already over.

Otoha-san returned, handing me my phone. "Here. If you are certain, Ojou-sama."

I flipped it open and turned it on, finding her number in the list and letting my thumb hover over delete. Memories flooded me. Her voice over the phone. Our talks about everything. My doubts and her reassurances. Her doubts and my reassurances. Her beauty, her laugh, her smile. A chance meeting on the crossroads. Her body in my arms. That precious feeling, of restfulness and belonging.

I raped her, and she hates me. All of that is over now, and it will never come again.

I pressed delete. And after a while, I put the phone aside.

Otoha-san put tea in front of me. "Here. Please enjoy it."

"Thank you," I said, mouthing the form of the words without thinking. I picked up the cup and sipped it, blinking rapidly. She'd added her special addition again.

Maybe it worked, or maybe all I needed to do was simply to give my mind a chance to rest. In any case, I felt a little more ready to face the world again. "Beyond the essay, what business do I have outstanding?"

"Ojou-sama, it is best if you rest," Otoha-san said. "Take tomorrow off, I will call the appropriate people. Use the time to do something you enjoy doing. If you want anything, you should buy it, too."

"Isn't that weakness?" I said sharply. "Sitting around doing nothing."

"No," Otoha-san shot back. "Throwing yourself into your work into you breakdown is weakness. Being so afraid of losing face you drive yourself so far you can't bear it is weakness. It is better if you take the necessary steps to relieve yourself of your stress now."

I sighed, seeing the sense in her words. "I understand. Bring me paper."

Otoha-san nodded, taking paper and pen from the side and passing it to me. "What is it?"

"Buy me a Wii," I said, writing fast. "A second controller, and these games." I ripped the paper deftly, handing it to her. "But don't cancel anything. I will do an ordinary day tomorrow."

"But-"

"Routine is also a comfort to me," I said. "And I know myself. I don't need the unnecessary guilt of perceiving myself as lazy on top of my current feelings. Since that's a flaw of mine, please let me indulge it."

"I understand."

I snorted. "And if you have any tubs of ice cream, I've heard that helps too. Putting that aside, tell me what business I have outstanding. It gives me something to think about."

"Well, I have prepared a present for Eikou-sama and his family, as you instructed. Shall I post it?"

"I will take it round on Monday," I said. "But bring me the card to sign now. Anything will do."

Otoha-san nodded, walking off again.

I watched her go, fingers playing uncomfortably over my pendant. So obedient.

My thoughts stirred again in the space of time, dragging everything back. My passion, my pain, my anger, the dull sound as I struck Ogami, Himeko's fears… all of it makes me sick to the stomach, ill from guilt and dismay. Riding high on such immature feelings, it's only inevitable I would crash. And what's left behind now doesn't feel quite like myself. I'm going through the motions, of everything. Of gathering myself together, and being strong and instructing Otoha-san, and keeping busy, all of it rings false right now. Even my ambitions feel fake, and my family, and my memories of them. Everything.

Bearing the burden of sin is one thing. But feeling such guilt and pain for something I in one sense never did is somehow worse. I don't have any need to 'deal' with that. In this case, walking away from it is fine. She also has no desire to stay.

* * *

"What the fuck did you people do to her?" Mako-chan screamed.

I whimpered, facing the wall and pulling the covers tighter around my body. Tears ran fresh down my cheeks again as I relieved every miserable moment of the confrontation, over and over. Chikane's pain. Chikane's doubt. And, the demonic Chikane I know only from my dreams, venomous and cold and terrible, stripping me with her eyes, cornering me with her voice and her glare, leaving me shivering and trembling with fear…

"Look, I don't know exactly was said!" Souma shouted back. "This isn't my fault!"

"Well, who am I supposed to blame? She goes to eat lunch with you and comes back alone four hours later a gibbering wreak! Where the hell have you been?"

"I was knocked out, in case you didn't hear me the first three times," Souma barked back. "What the fuck do you expect me to do? This was between them, it went badly wrong, I even tried to stop things at that point and I was knocked out! Would it help if I was dead?"

"I expect you not to mess up this badly. What the hell were you thinking, even letting them meet in that situation?"

"If I didn't let them meet, you'd be on my case for being jealous and obstructive! Face it, this isn't my fault! Go and scream at Himemiya, it'll make you feel better. Don't blame me if she makes _you _cry, though."

"Fine! I will!"

I closed my eyes, trying to cover my ears with both hands. God. Why couldn't they stop? I'd had enough; I've suffered too much already, too much anger, too much hate, too much pain. It was bad enough that my fantasy had crumbled into poison and ash, so I didn't want this. This feeling that everything in my life was gangrene.

"What is her number, anyway?" Mako-chan asked in frustration.

"How the hell would I know?"

"Himeko's phone, Himeko's phone…"

"Stop it," I said sharply.

"No way. I don't know what you're going to say about Chikane-chan or whatever but I'll call anyone who leaves you like this on their bullshit," Mako-chan said forcefully. "It's not negotiable."

"This has nothing to do with you," I said, my throat constricting. I pushed myself up, staring at the back of her neck. "Listen to me."

"You should just rest," Mako-chan said irritably. "Leave this to me."

"This has nothing to do with you!" I cast around blindly and threw the first thing that came to hand. My alarm clock cracked against the back of her head before falling, my breath coming fast as I slowly lowered my hand. My anger… my anger wasn't fading.

Mako-chan yelped and turned, giving me a horrified look. Her hand rubbed the back of her head. "Himeko…"

"I told you, didn't I?" I screamed. "I'm sick of everyone messing around with me!" And somewhere in that sentence the tears started to follow again, fuelled by anger as much as sorrow, a crazed, impotent rage. "Each and every one of you, you say you're protecting me, but really you just take me and screw with me and hurt me and throw me away! I'm sick of it! Sick of everything!"

"That's wrong," Mako-chan said hurriedly. "I'd never-"

"Hurt me? Everyone says that! All of you!" I closed my eyes, tears streaming down my already sodden cheeks. "Chikane, Souma, Makoto, even my foster parents, you all say that! I'm sick of it! Why can't you just leave me alone!"

Mako-chan stared at me, ashen faced. She looked like she was also about to cry, something that made me feel a flicker of guilt. She opened her mouth to say something, but Souma silenced her with a swift touch to the shoulder. They carried on in silence; Souma sitting while Mako-chan retreated to the kitchen.

For my part, I lay back again and closed my eyes, feeling even worse than before. It's not just with Chikane. Everything is rotting. So it has to be my fault. Because I'm a terrible person. I must have done something to deserve this. Something to deserve everything. Even the… even that… I sobbed, biting my lip and trying not to make a sound. What could I possibly have done that was terrible enough to deserve that? I don't understand. I don't understand anything. Why are my hopes always shattered, my happiness always betrayed? It's always been this way; there's nothing in my life that remains sacred. Why, why, is it like that? What did I do? Why does god and the world and life itself despise me?

"This isn't your fault."

I ignored him. Even he's against me, without understanding anything at all.

"There isn't anything anyone can do, in a situation like this. I know it's incredibly hard and the world is incredibly dark, and you can't see how anything could ever be right again… but you have to bear with it. If you're patient, the world will change. We'll help you. We do care about you."

"You don't understand anything-"

"Don't tell me I don't understand!" Souma caught himself, lowering his voice again. "Because I do. We do. I was there, before, and I couldn't do anything but wait for you… and you were there for me. I also understand. I've also seen it, the true blackness of despair. That's why I know. You'll get through this. You've done it before."

"That was different," I said weakly.

"Yes, it was. You were younger and weaker, not as strong as you are now."

"I'm not strong."

"You're strong. I remember it. The Himeko who stood up even after her world had been destroyed… I remember that."

I breathed out raggedly, my limbs shivering. With my foster parents. And in our dreams and memories, too. "Why… why did something like that happen… why would Chikane-chan-"

"I don't know."

"I-" I broke off, closing my eyes and burying my face in the pillow. It was no good. There was no way I could understand. Maybe there wasn't anything left to understand.

My hand found my pendant, grasping it tight. And I remembered Chikane-chan smiling down at me, destroyed, and pulled. The string dug into my neck painfully but I ignored it and kept pulling, harder and harder. It cut into my skin. Finally, the string snapped. I dropped it over the side of the bed without looking at it.

I've had enough of being betrayed. If I stop dreaming, this won't happen ever again.

* * *

I leaned my hands against the wall, feeling the cold water wash over my head, dragging my hair down in front of my eyes. I closed my eyes, trying to fight down the bile in my throat.

I did that too, when I was trying to cope. It doesn't help.

"Shut up," I gasped, resting my forehead against the slick tiles. I'm sick of this, sick of everything, I'm sick myself, ill, twisted, wrong. I just want sleep. And what I need is answers. "Why?" I asked. "Why did you do that? Am I just that fucked up? Was it revenge? Resentment? Twisted love?"

There wasn't any reply, not even from the voices in my head.

Why was I expecting there to be an answer? None of this makes any sense. None of it, not one part of it, has made me happy, made me content, everything was a lie. Her smile only served to conceal the reality of our difference, the unbridgeable gulf between our feelings.

She made a fool of me. I made a fool of myself. And I did something that betrayed me and everything I believe in.

My limbs shivered convulsively but I fought to resist, turning and resting my back against the wall instead. Even though the water was flowing down my body in rivulets, I didn't feel any cleaner. I turned it higher, looking up into the spray and trembling from its cold, cruel caress. This was fine. I couldn't feel anything like this, any perversions. If I knew I was sick, I could deal with it. There were methods. Things I could do. Pain, too. Pain kills sexual desire. I've been too lax, too complacent, too naïve. But I can manage my body. I've been given a second chance, a clear understanding of how dangerous I really am. If I bear that in mind and discipline myself carefully, it should be okay. I'll control myself, pace myself, distance myself if necessary, and when the time comes for marriage I'll force myself to go through with it. And if this feels bleak it's nothing, nothing compared with my despair at myself. What I did. I rubbed my stomach compulsively, trying to remove my stubbornly clinging sweat. I could rid myself of this dirt.

There had to be an answer. I just had to look for it. An answer other than black despair, because I'm not ready to believe that I'm evil, a manifest demon, the perfect Orochi, a being so cold and sociopathic that she has no ties and no doubt and no feeling, no love, more than able to do the most horrible thing imaginable to that girl, to mock her and strike her and strip her and drive her down and take her, ignoring the screams and ignoring the blood, without flinching, smiling at her broken doll-self, wings snapped and clipped, wretched, invisibly chained and coiled, drowned in my musk and my presence, stigmatised by me… my fingernails dug into the skin of my stomach, scratching furiously, as I gagged, my head lolling back. This… this kind of sin… I threw my head backwards, banging it violently against the wall. Pain reverberated through my skull, banishing the shadows of dark memories. I welcomed it.

I know that there's no excuse for what I did then, no reason, no forgiveness, I'd crossed a line that could never be taken back and violated the inviolate, the most important person to me. That's akin to rejecting the entire world, they're one and the same. If that was the consequence of my life, I couldn't accept anything within it… I couldn't claim to deserve life. I shifted my hands, rubbing my arms compulsively and shivering. Yes, that was an unforgivable sin. But it's not just chained to my memories, this illness, this disease. My lust is real, potent, undying, and to think that I looked on her with such eyes. My head twitched back, rubbing against the cold tiles. And the things I admitted to her, the things I said today, they also cannot be forgiven, nor can they be taken back. I've betrayed my promises and all of her hopes and faith in me, said something that should never be said, struck her friend, shouted at her for my fault, subjected her to my anger and fear… even so, I can't renounce that anger, these selfish feelings, even now I've seen the end result of them I can't mitigate this seed of twisted resentment, its roots roiled round my heart. I'm not wrong, she's wrong. For not loving me. I'm not wrong, the world is wrong. For rejecting me. I am filthy, I am wrong. My nails dug into my upper arms, carving bloody welts there, but it still didn't clear my mind.

I jerked my head back, banging it against the wall again. That was a little better.

I looked hazily upwards, watching the play of light through the water. My thoughts swim and they want to swallow me, I don't have any brilliance, any understanding, any reply. But I can find answers. I just- have to- sleep. My neck jerked back again, a crack echoing through the shower. It hurts. Of course. I can't be weak. I can't back down now. I did it again, harder this time, and my vision swam, but my thoughts cleared as I focused on the pain. Yes, better, this was… so much better… I couldn't hate myself just for being in pain… another crack, more shooting pain, and my legs felt weak. Something thick and liquid began to drip, mixing with the water.

I must fall to breathe, and debase myself. I understand that.

* * *

_I am standing on Orochi's Torii gate. I lean forwards, spread my arms, and fall without regret-_

_The scene changes. I am standing in a shrine, and looking at myself, clad in robes. Two of myself, besides me, with two Himeko facing opposite us. One pair stands in attendance, to the side. The other pair sits on cushions, back to back. And that other I looked up at me. _"Good day."

"_I want your answers."_

"Do you know the questions you want to ask? I can tell you about my motives, but I can't take away your pain and guilt." _The other I's arms were folded, covering her chest. _"Don't forget that my emotions and thoughts are not yours… I'm not the person you need to talk to."

"_Please leave this to me," Rook says, glancing down at her doppelganger. She doesn't have her sword today. "I can take care of it. You shouldn't force yourself."_

"_Who are you?" My legs folded under me and I collapsed, gasping for breath. "What is this… pressure…"_

"I am the Black Queen. If we're continuing that metaphor." _The other I glances at me. _"I am the most complete of all the memories. Possibly, I have an independent existence the others lack. It is hard to say. It is difficult for you to stay here, and I cannot leave."

I place my hand on the ground, holding myself up, and stare back. "So you are the true Chikane Himemiya of my past. Then answer me. Why did you rape Himeko?"

"It was in order to… facilitate the necessary sacrifice…" _Rook wiped her brow with her sleeve without a word, while the Queen panted for breath. Eventually, she spoke again. _"Ame No Murakumo's absolute condition is the sacrifice of one Miko by the other's hand. So Himeko could despise me, I became a demon, and made her hate me while foreseeing that I would be cast into oblivion and from her memory, leaving her with no lingering regrets, everything my shadow said was correct. What I did, I did in guilt, and sin, and self-hate, and regret… all for that… but…" _The Queen's head falls forwards, her arms swaying. _

"_You're going too far!" Rook glares at me. "Every time she speaks, she is pained, and she has been speaking unendingly to try and correct your mistakes! This is enough!"_

"That is not the important thing… that is not the answer you seek…" _The Queen wavers visibly. _"You are not I, my sin is not your own, and Himeko…"

_My own body shakes, flayed by the intense atmosphere. This place is more than I can bear, it makes me feel cornered, trapped, watched by a being beyond my comprehension…_

_The Queen's arms fall to her sides, revealing a great mess of blood. Rook's sword pierced her heart, buried to the hilt. Just below it, the tip of an identical blade extruded, covered in her blood. _"Does love you. You must have what I could not have… not just humility…"

Rook stands, materialising her bow and drawing an arrow. "Enough!"

"Daring to love." _The Queen smiles._

_I stare in horror at her mangled torso, eyes widening as Rook shoots me between the eyes._

_Once again, I am at the Torii gates. I look over the edge, into the purple-tinted abyss, but this time I simply sat, dangling my legs over the edge. And I stare; looking for something I couldn't see and wouldn't recognise._

_Her hair rustles in the slight wind with me. "I could ask you what you want to see, but that doesn't matter now."_

_I smirk despite myself, laughing helplessly. Eventually, I calm enough to speak, wiping the tears from my eyes. "It really is true, isn't it? All of this. Everything."_

"_You asked for this, and you received this. You never heeded any of my warnings… as I knew before we'd even met you would do. Our feet unerringly find the path of tragedy and regret."_

_She sounds very tired, for once. I ignore those words. "Why is it always here? Why not the school or the mansion? Is this where we belong?"_

"_It's this you accept. This despair and bleak regret. You can no longer receive the happy days we had together, it is those you reject and cast away. I am the same." Rook pauses for a moment, and manages some swagger in her voice. "We should be different. What are you doing, for god's sake…making all of this so vain and pointless is in pretty bad taste, you know."_

"_What do expect me to do?" I demand sharply. "Pretend none of this has ever happened? I've already burned everything with anger and fear; there's nothing to come back to. Don't make me regret it."_

"_No, you're not mistaken."_

_I blink. "Huh? But-"_

"_She still has faith. The complete one. I am different." Rook's voice is clipped and cool again. "Ame no Murakumo will never cease reincarnating us and asking for sacrifice…do you think you know despair? Do you think you know pain? You're wrong. You've never been asked to kill, or to die by her hands."_

_I look down, sighing. "So what is it? My life? Is it real, or is that the dream?"_

"_It is a reforging. To remake the destined love, the power fractured time and again by our hazy memories. But if you break the chains of fate and reject that love, Ame No Murakumo will abandon us." Rook takes a breath. "Live without her. Free you, I, the Queen, everything, from this fate. It's the only sensible choice, and the only free choice we've ever had."_

_I look at the palm of my hand. "There's no choice. I told you, I've already destroyed everything. The only thing I have left is regret."_

"_Don't underestimate her."_

"_Who? Ame no Murakumo?"_

"_No. Himeko."_

_I smile weakly. "It's rare, to hear you speak so softly."_

"_Don't delude yourself more than necessary," Rook says haughtily. _

_I grasped my arms again, changing the subject. "The Queen…Chikane Himemiya…why is she run through with swords?"_

"_I don't know. Probably, that is also Ame No Murakumo's will."_

"_Before an angry god, we are abject," I note._

"_There are other possibilities," Rook adds darkly._

"_And she can't see her, can she? Himeko." There's no reply, so I simply stare into the void._

"_I don't suppose there is anything you want to see?" Rook asks after a while._

"_Yes." I look up at the sky, denying my tears. "I want to see Himeko."_

* * *

Finally, I can look up at the ceiling without tears blurring my eyes. But I can't sleep, either.

I don't have any anger left in me. I don't have any sorrow, either. Nor can I feel fear. All I have left is bleak, blank, despair, an utter, baffled incomprehension. Why? Why did Chikane-chan do that? Why did she become an Orochi? Why did she shout at me and hurt me?

Why does she love me? How can she love me, with the things she's done?

How could I not notice her feelings, and still call myself her friend?

"Hey, Himeko. Can you eat?" Mako-chan asked quietly. "I've made you some soup."

"Thank you." I smiled weakly. "You two should be more lively again. I'd hate it if you stayed like this all evening, just because of me…"

"Yeah, well. It's not your fault, but there's not very much to smile about." Mako-chan handed me the soup before stepping back. "Don't spill it on yourself, okay?"

I sat up slightly, taking it. "Mako-chan… sorry, I said horrible things to you-"

"No, you're right," Mako-chan said, turning hurriedly away. "I thought I was protecting you, but I was just using you as an excuse to gratify my own anger… I was really horrible back there."

"No, that's not true at all!" I said hurriedly. "It's because I was in a terrible state, I misinterpreted everything, even when you were doing me good."

"Himeko." Mako-chan glanced back at me, smiling wanly. "Sometimes other people are in the wrong, not you."

"I… know. But," I met her eyes. "I will always forgive them."

"Tomorrow, we're going out," Mako-chan said, turning away and walking back to the lounge. "The two of us together. And we're going to mess around all day and forget about homework, just like before."

"I'll look forwards to it," Souma said quietly.

I looked down at my lap, trying my soup quietly. My neck felt really strange without my pendant, but I fought back the itching sensation. I… wasn't wrong. I need to start living in the real world, rather than clinging to memories and fantasy.

I just think that, somehow, we could have had a better ending than this.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chains of Memory: Part 26**

When you're finally thinking of going to bed and you hear birds singing outside, you know you're screwed...

* * *

"_So… what do you want to see?"_

_I sit on the grass in the secret garden, eyes half-closed. I don't feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. "I don't really care, to be honest. Everything's meaningless now."_

_Bishop sighs, kneeling and looking at me. "Do you want to talk, then? I don't have anything else to do."_

"_What do you have to say? You experienced it, didn't you?" My fingers run idly through the grass. It always feels so reliable, even though I know it is a lie. "Even more than me, you should hate her… hate this."_

"_Perhaps." Bishop sits opposite me, looking into my eyes. Her sword hikes up awkwardly against the ground. "I remember that. I was hurt by it, I am still hurt, and since I am just an echo of a memory I don't know, won't ever know, can't ever know the truth."_

_I blink. "The truth?"_

"_The truth behind Chikane-chan's actions. It's something the Queen must know." Bishop smiles softly. "The last thing I truly remember is the act of running, running and fighting, all to see Chikane-chan one last time. That is because she must have had a reason for what she did. I'm sure of it."_

"How can there be a reason?" I shout. "For something like that! What kind of excuse could there be?"

"_I- don't know. Perhaps I did something wrong."_

_I look down miserably, defeated by her clear eyes. "How can you say something like that…"_

"_I know Chikane's demonic side, the side of her that hurt me and abandoned me. Far more than you, I understand that. But…" Bishop shrugs, smiling weakly. "But I also believe in the angelic Chikane-chan who did so much for me. I have faith in her, so she must have had a reason. I just wish I could be allowed to understand."_

"_Then you're a better person than me," I say, hugging my knees. "I could never do that."_

"_You can do it. You're just afraid."_

"_Of course I'm afraid!" I snap. "Who wouldn't… who wouldn't be afraid…"_

"_Not afraid of that. Afraid of yourself, since what you possess is 'faith', faith in the people around you. When you're betrayed, it hurts. When I was betrayed, I was hurt. And everyone I knew betrayed me." Bishops cocked her head. "You're afraid of that, since you know it's in your nature to forgive her. And if you forgive her, nothing is simple. You have to deal with things yourself."_

"_In the first place, I don't understand!" I say defensively. "Why she did that to me then, or what all this means, or why she said that… why she loves me. She's a girl, isn't she?"_

_Bishop stands, putting a hand on her sword. "That's also something you'd have to deal with. Your feelings for her."_

"_I don't love her!" _

"_It's a given she means something to you. The rest, determining what that something is, is up to you. But you'll have to consider a reality where you love her. It's possible."_

_I close my eyes weakly. "But… I like boys…"_

_Bishop sighs and shrugs. "As you wish. But don't use my past to hide from your present."_

_I play with the grass again, changing the subject. "Besides, aren't you angry?"_

"_Angry?"_

"_You tried so hard to stop me from finding out about this…and I didn't listen to you."_

"_It's done, now." Bishop turns away, walking towards the rose bushes and touching them. "I know from experience that tragedy can occur whether you want it to or not."_

"_It's my fault…"_

"_Do you regret it?" Bishop asks, voice calm._

_I shrug. "It's really horrible, but that… even if I didn't know, Chikane-chan would feel the same way, and…it would still be true."_

"_I see." Bishop plays with the leaves idly. "It may be partly my fault. Perhaps if I'd controlled things, instead of mystifying it and letting you find out at a bad time, that might have been a better choice. It makes no difference now."_

_I stare at the back of her head. "What did you do, when… afterwards."_

"_I suffered. But after a while, I found the strength to stand."_

"_And." I blushed and looked down at the grass. "How do you feel about Chikane-chan?"_

"_I hate her." Bishop stopped moving. "But I also love her."_

_I frown. "That doesn't make sense."_

"_I never said anything was easy. All I know is that it's complicated for Chikane-chan, as well." Bishop turns to look at me, violet eyes ambiguous. "What are you going to do?"_

"_I- don't know." I turn my head away. "It's a bad answer, I know. But I don't know anything for certain right now."_

"_I see." Bishop turns and begins to walk, heading away from me._

"_Wait!" I say, feeling panicked. If she left, I would be all alone. "What do you want me to do?"_

_Bishop stops. "To do what you will. But I don't really know about Ame no Murakumo or the Orochi or anything like that." She turns her head towards me and smiles wanly. "That's never been my strong point. More importantly, you should forget all of those things. Even forget about me and what I want. Just concentrate on what is important, you and Chikane-chan. That's all there is."_

"_But-"_

"_No buts." Bishop's long blonde hair blew in a slight wind. "Everything else is up to you."_

_I struggled to find words, and settled for just shrugging. I understand, but all I really want to do is run away from my problems. Being told that is the harshest thing to say, in its own way._

"_So, what do you want to see?"_

_I sigh, glancing at her and thinking. "I want to see…I want to see happy times. Chikane and I together, without any doubts or hesitation or pain or betrayal or regret, just being together. And smiling. That's all."_

"_Is it really okay?" Bishop asks, as the world dissolves around us. "You can learn about many things here. Can you really afford to play around like this?"_

_I nodded, closing my eyes. "The only thing I want to learn right now is what I'm fighting for."_

* * *

When I opened my eyes, I grimaced. A dull ache deadened me, even more than my tiredness. And then I remembered.

The memory forced my mind into gear, so I sat up gingerly, carefully probing the back of my head with my fingers. There wasn't any blood, not even dried blood. My head had been bandaged, too. And I was in bed, when my last memory was beating myself into unconsciousness in the shower.

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time.

Well, I don't believe in fairies, so this was Otoha-san's work. This is going to take a lot of explaining to her.

I looked for my clock and checked the time. Seven in the morning. I'd managed a full night's sleep. And Otoha-san was leaning back, asleep in a chair by the door. So she has been watching over me. I felt a twinge of guilt and fear. I'd already burdened her so much…

I stood quietly, walking to the door to the bathroom and opening it. I stepped through, closing the door and inspecting my reflection. I looked a mess, which wasn't surprise. I also noticed that my arms had been bandaged… she's even cleaned the wall. My gut rippled with a wave of revulsion and disgust, forcing me to lean forwards, pressing my forehead against the mirror. For a few long seconds, I fought to control my breathing and myself. Finally, I splashed my face with cold water, carefully cleaning my eyes.

Yesterday, in its entire enormity, struck me once again. I'd… no, it's probably safer to say that there were fewer things I hadn't damaged than the things I had left untouched. There weren't many worse ways to deal with everything that happened. I stared at myself, trying to find answers. Why? Why couldn't I just lie and say I didn't love her, I was just her friend? If I'd done that, things wouldn't be like this.

I sighed. And if I wanted to hurt myself so badly, I should have cut myself. That would have been easier to hide.

What am I going to do now? I'm honestly at a loss. If I think about myself, the first thing that occurs isn't my talent or my intelligence or anything like that… they were chance inheritances, nothing I can be proud of. But I've always been proud of my self-discipline and self-control. That wasn't something gifted to me. It was forged in the pressure of the Himemiya family and tempered by my mother's example, something I achieved myself through hard work. Chikane Himemiya is always cool and level-headed. I used to be so proud of that fact. And so it's easy to be cool and collected when nothing ever disturbs you, but when something does happen, it's different, and I'm left shaken and at a loss.

I blinked myself out of my trance, shaking my head vigorously. No. What I need to do right now is clean my teeth. That's all I can afford to worry about.

I did my best to brush my hair as well, working around my bandages. Finally I returned to my room, hoping to retrieve my clothes and change myself without being noticed.

Otoha-san was standing above her futon, hands folded in front of her waist. It would be normal, if it wasn't for her bed-hair, and the dishevelled clothes she'd slept in. "Good morning, Ojou-sama."

I stopped dead. What the hell am I supposed to say in this situation? "Good morning."

"I'm sorry for the intrusion," Otoha-san said, bowing her head. "My only excuse is that I thought it was for the best."

"Ah. It's… fine." I frowned. She's apologising to me? What is that? I really don't know how to react in this situation. Perhaps it's best if I resolve it sooner rather than later, though. "About last night-"

"We can talk about it after breakfast," Otoha-san said. "I will dress you first."

I blinked. "I see." And that, that was a change, a reaction I could understand. Otoha-san had given an order to me.

I unbuttoned the pyjama top she had somehow got onto me- I'm not going to speculate- while she retrieved my clothes from the wardrobe. Yes, this is appropriate for my current inverted life.

"I finally understand," I said after a while, since I couldn't bear the silence. "What mother felt at that time."

"Isn't that being a little presumptuous?" Otoha-san said, carefully adjusting my bra. "The two situations are different."

"I know. Understanding doesn't imply degree," I said, feeling my spirit strengthen slightly with my words. In a small way, this allowed me to reassert myself. "More than before, I can understand the emotion of feeling defective, and also the emotion of being utterly rejected by a person you care deeply for."

"There's nothing defective about you," Otoha-san said firmly. "Nor is there anything defective with Kazuho-sama. What will be, will be."

"I know, of course. But she did not believe she was innocent then. Nor do I believe this now." I closed my eyes. "Do you know? That I was a lesbian?"

"I had some suspicions. I am still closer to you than any other, so I would be best placed to notice." Otoha-san pulled my shirt over my head, careful to avoid the sore spot. "This is not a defect. It is merely a distinction."

"You already rejected that distinction," I said, taking a ragged breath. "Which was wise. I agree with you, it is a problem."

"So what are you going to do?" Otoha-san asked. "Whatever word you use to describe your sexuality, its just semantics that alters your guilt. What you call it, or the guilt you feel, neither of them are constructive." She smoothed down my shirt.

"I know that," I said coldly. "But a problem becomes relevant when it clouds my judgement. This troubling bundle of loaded emotions completely destroyed me yesterday, and I'm little better now… can we really call that mere semantics, rather than a real problem?"

"Those emotions are real, whether you call them a problem or not. That point can also be argued." Otoha-san wrapped my grey wool fleece around me, holding it against my shoulders. "But this isn't something you can change, even through will."

"I know that, too." I slipped my arms into the sleeves, drawing the fleece about me. When I think about it, mind, Otoha-san has always been this close to me. But with her, I have always and only felt the sensation of master to a servant, or perhaps child to mother, or sister to sister. A familial bond. "I don't really know what to do. I just know I can't let this happen, ever again."

"That is one way to deal with this situation. But don't feel rushed into making any decisions." Otoha-san stepped away. "With all due respect, Ojou-sama, you are not best-placed to make important decisions right now."

"Some decisions can't wait until I am best-placed," I said. But I turned obediently and followed her out, taking my place at the breakfast table. Otoha-san stepped into the kitchen, washing her hands and preparing. "Besides, what other option do I have? Even putting everything else aside, and there's much of it, Shuusei-sama would never accept anything like this."

"Well, that's certainly true," Otoha-san said. "Everything must be considered carefully."

I held my pendant carefully, glad I hadn't done anything rash with it. "This has been a distraction and a mistake to begin with," I said forcefully. "I'd lost sight of my most important objectives. From now on, I can simply concentrate on them. I was indulging myself unnecessarily."

"Whatever the outcome, love is not just an indulgence." Otoha-san began to cook breakfast. "Remember, Kazuho-sama met Masato-sama in circumstances that were no less unlikely at the time."

"That was different," I said irritably. "Father is impeccably Japanese, intelligent, erudite, eloquent, his singular displeasing characteristic for Shuusei-sama was his lower social status. I don't deny that was difficult, but he was the right gender. Mother has reasons to believe he was interested, confidence, the time to spare… fundamentally, she could handle it. I can't handle this, that much is already evident."

"Nothing comes easily the first time. Why would love be any different?"

"Can you really say I will get any better at this if I try? And what would come of it, if I do? You were against it from the start because you understand, it's impossible for me." I closed my eyes. "For now, I need to concentrate on my familial duties."

"As you say."

I frowned at that non-committal answer, staring down at the table. I remembered with a vague feeling of sickness that Himeko had been sitting in this chair when I'd talked to her. That disturbed, sickly air she'd possessed… she'd already known everything from the start. At best, she could deny it to herself. And I did nothing, could do nothing, to reassure her.

If I'd just lied, everything could have been different. And I know why I didn't lie. For all I denounce myself, curse myself, hate myself, harm myself, there's still a rooted, jagged grit of defiance seeded in me, a small part of me which can't renounce my feelings, even though I say they are wrong, mewling petulantly for an explanation for the world that despises it. I am a hypocrite, and the stubbornness I am so proud of means I can't just rip it free, it has become part of me. Since I've adopted the conceit of difficult and painful actions being good, and the restrictive social mores of my grandfather bad, the result is this miserable martyr complex I can't quite shake, a feeling that I must be right since everyone else says I'm wrong. At that same impulse also demands I cast these feelings aside, since that is necessary for my ambition and would be painful for me. So I seek to destroy a part of myself without ever renouncing it, the worst possible decision.

And that also means I can neither accept nor reject Himeko's fear and anger and tears, the way I betrayed her. I rested my face in my hands, sighing miserably. And now those memories are flooding back again, all the things I did… why? How is it possible that I could be completely destroyed by a person I've known for two short weeks? Such a violent and unreasonable emotion, how can I accept any sincerity in something like that?

"Here you go, Ojou-sama." Otoha-san placed a simple western breakfast in front of me. "Please enjoy."

"Itadakimasu," I said half-heartedly, picking up the spoon and eating some the cereal.

Otoha-san pulled out a chair and sat opposite me. The chair I used yesterday, ironically. "Do you want to finish eating, or shall we talk now?"

I put my spoon down. "I don't have much of an appetite anyway. So… what happened to me? The last thing I remember was slipping in the shower."

Otoha-san gave me a jaded look. "With all due respect, Ojou-sama, do you take me for an idiot?"

I sighed, looking down. "What exactly do you want me to say? Do you think I have an answer? A neat explanation? An excuse that makes me sound anything other than a pathetic, miserable teenager who can't control her own hormones?"

"I don't understand, and I want to understand, at least a little," Otoha-san said. "Though it's not my place, in this situation I need to know I can trust you."

I put my hands on my knees, glaring at her. "This won't happen again. That's all I have to say."

"I would appreciate that," Otoha-san said. "Since you've given me more than enough reason to worry. Many people are lost and alone, Ojou-sama, but you are neither and if you have forgotten all the people who care deeply for you, I will remind you myself!"

"You mean my parents?" I said bitterly. "My parents are a long way away. It's been three months since I saw them for more than a day at a time."

"That doesn't mean they don't deeply care for you," Otoha-san said. "They didn't raise you for this! Kazuho-sama doesn't want you to make yourself miserable assisting her."

"This and that have nothing to do with each other," I retorted. "And she has nothing to say about me making myself miserable over a schoolgirl crush!"

"Then you think she would be happy about this?" Otoha-san said. "But she'd be sorrowful rather than angry. I'm less saintly, and I am angry. To do such a thing to yourself-"

I slammed my glass on the table, glaring at her with dead eyes. "I will not do such a thing again," I said, my voice cracking from the strain. "And you will stop talking about this."

Otoha-san looked at me for a long moment, and then sighed. "Very well. But promise me… the next time you feel this way, you will come to me. I need to trust you, but I also want you to trust me. I won't judge you, so tell me anything at all."

"I said before, there's nothing to say," I said, picking up my spoon again. "Nothing worth saying."

"You shouldn't be too proud to talk about your feelings. If they are adolescent, fundamentally you are a teenage girl. There's no shame in acting your age." Otoha-san gave me a worried look. "You are mature and so adult I'm more than used to treating you that way… but you shouldn't let me forget you're also young."

"I don't have time to be young," I said, eating more of my cereal. I swallowed, shrugging uneasily. "There's really nothing to say… she suspected me, I confessed and I was rejected, and I reacted badly. I said horrible things, but it did hurt. I really do care for her. So I'm even more hurt now for hurting her, rather than doing the right thing and lying to protect her…" I closed my eyes, rubbing my nose with my right hand. "I wasn't mistaken. That would have been right. But I don't have it in me, to apologise to _her _for my emotions. It's cowardly."

"You don't have to apologise for loving someone," Otoha-san said. "It's a mistake to do so, even if they don't welcome your love."

"How trite. Did you get that from a novel?" I smirked unsteadily. "I… I dreamed of raping her, and I'm not supposed to apologise for myself? Don't think this is a normal, stable emotion, it's a lust-riddled crush, a complex."

Otoha-san looked at me worriedly. "I see… is that why you did that to yourself?"

"I don't know. Maybe." I looked down into my cereal, feeling sick. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"You can't control your dreams," Otoha-san said. "No one can blame you for something that occurred in them. As long as you haven't done anything objectionable in real life, you still don't have anything to apologise for."

"No one can control my dreams, but they are telling of my disturbing mental state," I muttered.

"They're telling of your difficulties with guilt and discomfort," Otoha-san said. She flushed slightly, her right hand picking at the table-cloth. "Do you try… more positive conscious conceptions of the situation?"

"More positive…" I worked it out, looking away and blushing furiously. "No! That would be horrible."

"It could help," Otoha-san said weakly.

I put my head in my hands. "This is even more awkward than talking to my parents about such things."

"It can't be helped! If the masters had talked more frankly about these things with you, you might feel more comfortable in this situation," Otoha-san said, blustering through her embarrassment. "But only bad things will come of bad thoughts. Hating any aspect of yourself is an exercise in self-destruction."

I kept myself very busy with my cornflakes. "I know, but I can't force myself to be… comfortable… with such things. Such as talking to you about them."

"Just… make an effort," Otoha-san said, closing her eyes. "Not about the talking. Trust me. It helps."

I just nodded weakly. I did _not _need to know that. "Ah, in any case, did you tell my parents?"

Otoha-san sighed. "Against my better judgement, I did not mention your self-inflicted injury. But I did tell them you were having non-specific social difficulties, so they should call as frequently as possible."

"They're going to fret terribly. Though I know I'm no position to complain." I sighed. "I promise I'll do my best."

"I know, but you can't do it alone. That's why they'll be supporting you." Otoha-san closed her eyes. "As for your injury, it isn't severe, and there's no lasting damage. It wasn't anything I couldn't handle with my training. However, I can't make any promises about next time. Don't let there be a next time."

"Next time I'll just do the arms properly," I deadpanned. "Less chance of brain damage." I frowned when she gave me a look. "I'm joking. Don't worry."

Otoha-san frowned. "I see. And if you want counselling, I've looked up some excellent and discreet names."

I sighed. "Otoha-san, I have been at the wrong end of an unrequited crush. I do not need psychiatric assistance. In any case, I could never take such help. There would be rumours."

"If it's necessary, you should take it," Otoha-san said. "Whatever the cause and whatever the consequences if you are hurting yourself you are not dealing with it. However, we will do our best to get the situation in hand now."

"Yes, we will." I put my now-sodden cereal aside and started on the now-cold toast. "Please be reassured, I don't enjoy feeling like this. We're not enemies in this situation."

"I know," Otoha-san said, smiling slightly. "I was afraid you'd treat me as one, though."

"I'm not so weak I'd shoot the messenger," I said. "But thank you… for taking the risk that I would."

Otoha-san closed her eyes, doing her best to hide her smile. "It's nothing, Ojou-sama."

* * *

I am happy right now.

Or, even if I'm not happy, at least I'm not overwhelmed by melancholy or disgust. I'm content enough. Mako-chan and Souma are looking after me and being earnest and doing their best to entertain me, not giving me time for thought. And even though I'm not in the best of all possible moods I'm doing my best to smile and laugh with them, just like our time together back in Mahoroba. I am doing my best, and I am having fun.

So why am I thinking of her now? Even though there's no way it could make me happy, it's not even her guilt and anger and everything between us that first sprang to mind. I just thought that it would be nice if she was here, as well.

I still don't understand.

I gripped my pendant, trying to dismiss her from my mind. She'd sent me away, told me that it was for both of our sakes, and I couldn't disagree with that. This was supposed to be my chance to break from the recent past…

"Here." Souma tossed me a can. "Hope I didn't keep you waiting."

I shook my head, opening the drink. "No. Thank you. Where's Mako-chan?"

"She's having fun watching the birds, I think," Souma said. "She said she'd be back in a minute." He sat on the bench next to me. "But are you sure this place is fine? Even if we don't run into Tsubasa, I know it's a pretty loaded place for you."

"You're right," I said, looking distractedly across the park. "We had our first proper meeting here, I remember. It was… fun."

"Himeko?"

I shrugged. "It's fine. I still like being here. I'm not that sensitive."

The angelic Chikane-chan and the demonic Chikane-chan, I can understand that. But it's hard to mistake how the former was so much more common, so much brighter, than the demon.

"If you're sure," Souma said, opening his own can with a deft snap. "And if Tsubasa comes, I can deal with him. It'll be okay."

And I still can't forget, just as I said. It really was fun to be with her at those times, my dream-memories only confirmed that. She smiled so kindly, and talked so gently, and really listened and really cared… she made me feel special, like I mattered to her. More than anything else, it was that feeling that made me look forwards to our meetings. I really did want to matter to her. I'm sure she mattered to me.

"What are you thinking about?"

I shook my head, clearing my thoughts. "Nothing… nothing much." I turned to him, smiling weakly. "I'm sorry. I'm not a lot of fun today."

"No, not at all," Souma said, raising his hands. "You're still good company. And it's not like I'm feeling too energetic today, either. Everything that happened yesterday was my fault."

I glanced sidelong at him, feeling awkward. It was the first time we'd directly referred to it. "That's not true at all. It was… I don't want to place the blame. It just happened, and now we're here."

Yes, that's right. I can't become too nostalgic. Even if this just happened, there were reasons, all the way through. If she treated me so kindly it was because her 'like' and my 'like' were different from the start. She led me on while looking at me in such a light, and that's dishonest.

But she never did anything, a small voice pointed out. You only got hurt in the dreams of a memory of another life.

"I suppose so. But I still feel responsible." He rubbed his bruise, grimacing. "I'm not supposed to talk about this, though. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'm really not that fragile."

And those dreams suggested other things, too. Can I really say I was taken by surprise? Not by… that, which broke me, but the fact that she loved me? No, it was a surprise. But not a shock. I'd considered it, and never really reached a decision. But I did think that even then, I'd be willing to stay by her side. I- I cared for her.

"How's your essay going?"

I smiled awkwardly. "I'm in denial about it."

Souma nodded. "That's fair enough. I won't mention it again."

But it's over now. All this is pointless, since one way or another our relationship- our friendship- is over. She said all that, and she really was angry. Somehow, I get it. I said some terrible things. But she said some terrible things, too.

"Have you considered joining any clubs?"

"Possibly art club," I said awkwardly. "I'm not sure I'm good enough yet, though."

"That would be good. Show me what you draw, okay?"

I watched children play in the distance. "No way… it won't be good enough for that."

Souma smiled. "I don't mind. I just want to see."

"Well, you can't." I sighed. So why did Bishop tell me I have to take everything from here? There's nothing left to take. Doesn't she know that?

But when I think about her advice, and my thoughts as well, I guess something does occur. I can't just say 'it's over' as an excuse not to think about my situation. Nor can I really say I clarified things in my mind before I ran in crying and shouting…

"Fine, fine. But it'll be good, I'm sure of it. You've always had a knack for these things."

"Do you think?" I said vaguely.

So what I need to do now is work out what I want. Everything else comes after that. Even if it's just to learn a lesson for the future… I don't know how to sort through these conflicted, messy emotions. But I have to try.

"Yeah." Souma leaned forwards slightly. "Himeko? Is there anything wrong with me?"

"Maybe you could kiss me," I said, half to myself.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chains of Memory: Part 27**

That cliffhanger has been postponed, if not forgotten. In the meantime I'm moving everyone into place, as it were...

* * *

"What happened, Himemiya-san?"

I smiled politely, trying to remember her name. Kanegi-san, wasn't it? "It's nothing. Just a minor sparring accident on Sunday."

"How horrible," Kanegi-san said. "Are you really okay, being in with an injury like that?"

"It's nothing," I assured her, forcing a smile to hide my tension. "Thank you for your concern."

"Well, if you're sure it's fine, it's fine," Kurita-san said. "Otherwise I can give you copies of my notes, if you're afraid of falling behind."

"Thank you, but I really am fine," I said, looking around the canteen distractedly. This much intrusive concern, it's beyond a frustration… it makes me guilty as well. I can't tell the truth to any of these people, so it's a burden to have to talk to them to begin with. Of course, I know I have no choice. But I did find him. "Ah, could you all excuse me for a second?" I said, turning to them. "There's someone I have to talk to."

Arata-san looked like she was going to say something, but Kurita cut her off with a nod, following my gaze. "Of course. Go ahead." She smirked knowingly at me.

And the people who think they know what's really going on with me are even worse. I nodded in gratitude, walking across the canteen. My head throbbed in pain, though I couldn't tell you whether it was physical or mental. I managed to control myself, fighting down the impulse to rub my forehead. I was only display right now; I couldn't afford to slip up even a little. Nor could I afford to let myself think.

Sometimes I can barely bear with this.

Ogami was talking to a few people when I approached, but he looked up warily. I stopped in front of the table, looking down at him coolly. "Can I talk to you in private for a little while?"

Ogami glanced up at me warily, nodding once. "Fine."

"What's with the bandages, Hime-chan?" one of the guys asked, glancing up at me with interest. Nishi, if I recall correctly. "You fall over?"

"It was a sparring accident," I explained pleasantly, mouth twitching slightly. Some people really do have no sense of elegance.

"Let's go," Ogami said, standing and walking round the table.

He almost stumbled when Nishi shoved him in the small of the back. "Have fun."

"Thanks. I'll be back in a minute," Ogami said, still wearing his pleasant façade.

He followed me as I walked out, both of us doing our best to look dignified and ignoring the occasional looks in our direction. He took his chance to speak when we finally got out of earshot. "You're doing it again, you know," he hissed. "Everyone things we're together."

"So tell them we're not," I said, taking the first corner and heading towards the lecture rooms. "To be honest, I don't care either way."

"I'm not saying I care either," Ogami said. "It just irritates me, that's all."

"You should care. But it's not really my business."

"Right." Ogami stepped past me, studying my face. "So, what's with the bandages?"

"Sparring accident," I repeated, sliding sideways and carrying on past. "It's nothing important."

"I don't know about many martial arts where you expect to take blows to the back of the head in spars," Ogami said calmly. "It's staggeringly unlikely."

"They were cheating," I said blankly. "It happens. You of all people should know that."

Ogami snorted. "Right. But that has nothing to do with me, either."

"Worry about yourself," I said. "You still have a bruise."

"Well, thanks for that concern. If it had been a fair fight, things would have been different."

"Are you asking for a fair fight?" I gave him a dark look. "I can assure you, I'm in a very bad mood right now. That would be fine by me."

"I'm not asking," Ogami said. "I wasn't the one who attacked to begin with."

"That requires a very charitable definition of being attacked."

"Grabbing your collar isn't the same as a very dangerous strike to the head."

I snorted. "I don't know about your learning, but I've been taught not to second-guess whether the person laying hands on me has malicious intent or is merely emphasising the point."

"Well, I don't really care either way," Ogami said. "Next time, I won't hesitate either."

"There won't be a next time. I don't have anything to say to you any more." I stopped in front of the door to an empty lecture room, turning to face him. "So you don't have to worry about what people think of our relationship, either. This is the last time I'm going to do this. I'm sure we'll both be glad of that."

"Fine. Let's get this over with." Ogami followed me inside, closing the door behind him. "So, what is it?"

"Tying up loose ends." I pulled open my bag, searching through it and passing back the manga. "Give this to Himeko."

Ogami took it, staring at it in puzzlement. "What is it? Ah, isn't this that manga-ka she likes?"

"She lent it to me. I'm giving it back." I turned away, walking towards the windows. "And tell her I'm sorry."

"That's it?" He demanded angrily. "She's been this hurt by you, and you just say you're sorry?"

"What do you expect me to do?" I snapped. "Is there anything I could do to redeem myself to her that you'd accept? I seriously doubt it. Her mind is made up. So is yours."

"That is… you should go and apologise yourself, at least," Ogami said. "Humbly, for once in your life. Can't you at least admit you made a mistake?"

"And what would be gained by doing that?" I demanded. "Would that turn the clock back? Would that let us pretend Saturday never happened? To be honest, whether I apologise or not, whether she hates me or not… none of it matters any more. My mind is already made up, as well."

"That's what people do when they make mistakes!" he said. "Because it's the right thing to do, rather than anything else."

"They apologise," I agreed. "But only if they believe in it. For frightening her I'm sorry and for assaulting you I am sorry and even insofar as I can take responsibility for my past self, I am truly sorry for that, but-" I pressed my forehead against the glass. "I can't do it. I can't apologise for loving her. I don't even know if that is wrong."

Ogami sighed. "You always make things so melodramatic."

"And how about you?" I shot back. "When have you ever apologised for the love she's rejected? Have you even renounced it? You don't have a girlfriend, and you're still this possessive… you haven't got over her. You're in no position to lecture anyone about being a drama queen."

"I'm just a friend, and I'm just protecting her-"

"That's nonsense and you know it." I pulled my head up, pressing my right palm against the glass instead. It was refreshingly cold. "What you do is protect her as a friend. That's not what you _feel_."

"My feelings have nothing to do with this," Ogami said icily. "I can control myself, unlike you."

"They have everything to do with this," I said, "and they matter because that means your relationship is a lie. The difference between her thoughts and your own, her perceptions and your own, her actions and your own, is real, and it is important. At least one of you is going to get badly hurt, in the end. You know that. But you still can't renounce your emotions. I don't know why I should be cut less slack."

"Do I really need to answer that?" Ogami said. "I've only ever supported her, in this life and the last. You don't know me, but you should know that I am totally different from you!"

"And what would you have done, in this life or the last?" I demanded. "What could you have done against Ame No Murakumo? To take my life by her hands, that wasn't a fate you could avert… even if you could defeat me. You couldn't. You talked boldly but you were weak, weaker than your brother, a half-hearted existence playing into the hands of our fate."

"I stood by her side! Unlike you, I always supported her!" Ogami shouted. "When I was rejected, I didn't turn my back and indulge my angry bitterness like you did, I bled to fight for her. Now and then you're the same, different from me, a selfish and pathetic person."

"Then why don't you tell me? What you achieved by fighting?" I turned and leaned against the wall, glaring at him. "All you did was indulgently hold her hand. What I did was _necessary_. And I didn't hesitate to make myself the sacrifice."

"How the hell was that necessary?" he demanded, striding angrily towards me. "Don't fuck with me! You raped her and betrayed her and tried to kill her, and you call that necessary?"

"What? You don't know." I smirked bitterly. "Haven't you been listening? Either she killed me or I killed her! I made sure she could kill me without regrets, even if it meant becoming a monster. That was what was necessary. Fighting until you fall apart was just a pointless-"

"That's just an excuse!" Ogami said, looking like he was about to hit me. "You screwed around with all of us with your power trip, and now you're shameless enough to lie about it!"

I raised my hands, forming fists. "I know! I know I did terrible things! But I'm not the one who is shameless enough to remain by her side!"

Ogami jerked forwards before stopping, his breath coming fast. He visibly reigned himself in, lowering his eyes. "Whatever. This is a meaningless discussion, I know. All I have to do is say you're sorry, right?"

I closed my eyes; disturbed to find my own breath was racing. This… this was the person I had planned to leave for her. Whether I hate him or not, at least he's good for that, even now. "Right. No, maybe it's better if you don't say anything. Apologising is meaningless, and it may be easier for Himeko if she hates me-"

"I don't get it," Ogami said tautly.

"You don't get what?" I said, with a slightly superior despair. "Am I using difficult words? Shall I say something simpler?"

"If you're selfish, you're also stupid," Ogami said. "And you're not stupid, so in a bizarre way you are selfless. Why the hell is it you always end up like this? You make what sound like sacrifices but they're always the worst choice for everyone!"

"If you didn't believe my words the first two times you're hardly likely to believe me now," I said impatiently. "Aren't you the one who wants this over with?"

"Then why don't you tell me? Himeko hating you, how the hell is that _better _than the alternatives?"

"Well, let's see," I said. "If she hates me, she won't feel guilty for anything, or have any regrets, except perhaps that she came to know me more than might have been wise. She won't miss me, or blame herself when she can blame me. Whatever thoughts she had for me now, she can concentrate on making proper friends. It makes sense."

"Right. It makes sense," Ogami said. "Except where it doesn't. Condescending to people like that, and deciding everything by yourself, I'm sick of it. Why don't you apologise and try to make it up to her? If she forgave you, that's better, isn't it?"

"I told you, my mind is also made up. I won't renounce my feelings, and I'm not comfortable with playing the little game you play." I glared at him. "You said yourself, didn't you? That I'm no good at that. And I have more than enough of my own worries and problems to deal with. That's why I think it's best if we leave things here, whether or not I apologise."

Ogami stared at me for a long moment, expression ambiguous. "So… you're scared?"

"Of what?" I demanded irritably. "Don't call logic cowardice just because you're a hot-headed buffoon."

"No, you're scared. It makes no sense at all." Ogami walked sideways, staring at me. "You're doing everything like this because you're afraid or what could go wrong, what you could do, and what it would do to you… all of that's fear, isn't it? You're afraid of failure and change."

"What do you want me to think?" I said. "Of course I'm afraid! You're right, last time I screwed up and on Saturday I screwed up and I _know _I can't handle it! Are you happy if I admit it? That's just another good reason for things to end here."

"You call me half-assed, but you're the one who's being half-hearted about this," Ogami said coldly. "That's not like you. At the least, even if I don't like you, I know you burn brightly. You don't ever go halfway. So why now? Are you that afraid of yourself?"

"What's going to happen, even if I go all the way?" I demanded irritably. "She rejected you, and she rejected me. She won't ever reciprocate my feelings. Even if she could, I'd hurt her with my absence and we'd be doomed by circumstances, the circumstances of my family and this society. The best we can hope for now is an awkward half-friendship… and _that _would be half-hearted. I haven't changed at all. If I can't have everything, I'll take nothing gladly. Last time, too."

"And that is selfish, bit even so I understand a little better," Ogami said. "This is your limit. Your fears and apprehensions won't let you go any further than this. But I know Isato would go forwards anyway, without regrets. He would _make _it work. He's that kind of person."

"I'm glad for him. I don't like smashing my head into walls that won't break." I glared at him. "You're trapped in the convenience of humdrum heterosexuality, and you've no obstacles between the two of you in status or circumstances. Don't you even dare _pretend _that you understand my position."

"I understand. I do understand, because like you it's unrequited love," Ogami said. "But earnestly and honestly, without apology, I confessed to her, and even though she couldn't accept my feelings I accepted her wish, and remain her friend." He glared at me. "That compromise, rather than your selfish idealism, is love."

"The selfishness is your unending pretence," I said. "Some relationships come to an end. Prolonging them beyond that is meaningless, and I'm at that place. You can say whatever you please about your experiences, but I know my own. This _is _as far as I go. I'm not apologising for that."

"Not yet. Not until you've done everything you can to reconcile, and heard her wishes in the cold light of day… that's when you can say you've come to a natural end." He glared at me, fists balling. "Don't you dare say anything before then."

I looked at him for a long moment, then smirked. "That's almost cute. But weren't you the one who wanted me to stay away from her to begin with? Is this the devil's advocate?"

Ogami glanced back, his expression slipping before reforming effortlessly. "That's right. My attitude to you hasn't changed. Even so, the right thing for _you _to do hasn't changed."

I stepped forwards slightly, my thoughts reforming with intent. "I see. That's rather convenient. But which of the two rights is right? What's right for Himeko, or what's right for me? And by deciding the former yourself, aren't you committing my own crime, of condescending to decide things for someone else?"

"Neither of them are wrong. This isn't the ending Himeko needs, that's all," Ogami said. "If she doesn't understand why it's best for her, then you're right, that would be meaningless. If you explain clearly, she should be able to understand exactly why she shouldn't have anything to do with you."

"That's pretty cold," I said calmly. "But it's also a rather vulgar evasion. I don't like being accused of thoughtlessness from someone who hasn't even thought his own position through. Can you really distinguish everything so easily? What you consider objectively right, and what you think is right for Himeko, and what you know is best for you?"

"You can think what you like," Ogami returned. "I've said everything I need to say, so what you decide is up to you."

"So suddenly it has nothing to do with you? That's another evasion." I leaned against one of the desks in the front, folding my arms and glaring at him. "You're going to protect Himeko, right? You must have a decision."

"Whatever I think, I won't be able to stop you," Ogami said, turning and walking towards the door. "You'll still decide everything for yourself. I'll just wait for you, and I'll still be protecting her. You can have my decision at that time."

"I'll look forwards to it." I watched his retreating back, speaking again just as he reached the door. "Don't convey anything beyond that manga I gave you. If I'm not going to see her again, cutting ties without a word is still the best option. And if I am, I'll apologise in person. Do you understand?"

He snorted. "Do as you please." He pushed the door open and stepped out.

"That's the meaning of not being half-hearted," I said, mostly to myself.

And I collapsed after he was gone, gasping for breath. My vision swam, flooded again with too many memories, all my hate and hurt and wary regard for him, and the smiles I saved for her, and the way I betrayed them. I'm bluffing insofar as I don't know it myself, the right thing to do. But he's pointed one useful thing out. The hardest thing to do here isn't to cut ties, whatever I may make of my martyr complex. The hardest thing would be to make amends, and my instinct always runs to the path of most resistance.

If I do that, stake my shattered hopes and faith and love on one last throw, a desperate search for forgiveness, and drive it all into dust, is that how I can live without regrets? Or is that how I can live with scars, self-hate, a wound that will never fade, the path to self-destruction? I don't know, in spite of all my genius, the right thing to do in this situation. I don't even know if those two things are separate or just one and the same.

At length, I found the strength to stand, and went to eat my lunch.

* * *

I rapped on the door, feeling my free hand fall into a fist. This enormous tension, for an enormous fear, it's only appropriate. I waited for fifteen seconds before knocking again, ignoring all the small, diffident parts of me that told me to turn on my heels and run away. I didn't have time to play around indulging my shyness any more. I have to be strong.

Finally, the door opened. "What is it…" Corona trailed off when she saw me, frowning. She was dressed in her underwear and a T-shirt, but nothing else, her hair a mess. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to Reiko-sensei," I said, looking her straight in the eye. "It's important."

Corona sighed, shrugging. "She's busy, you know. She's always busy."

"I know. Even so, it's important." My nails dug into the palm of my hand. "It's about Chikane-chan."

Corona gave me a long look, then nodded. "Fine. Come on in, I'll ask her. Isn't the other one with you?"

"I came alone," I said, stepping through and closing the door behind me. I slid off my shoes, watching her as she padded across the crowded main room towards Reiko's.

"I see. Well, it makes no difference to me." Corona opened the door and leaned through. I averted my eyes. "Hey, Reiko! Kurusugawa about the Eighth. You started it, you deal."

Reiko's voice carried faintly to me. "Shut up, 69th. I'm busy… you can make yourself useful for a chance."

"Shut up. She asked for you, already." Corona snorted. "You talk to someone for a change. It'll be good for you."

I frowned, daring myself to speak. "You're pretty casual, though. Using Chikane-chan's Orochi title just like that."

"That? It's natural." Corona turned elegantly, folding her arms over her chest and leaning against the wall. "If you've come here, it's probably because you've worked enough of everything out by yourself. It's all under the bridge, now. Maybe you get why I find the Eighth an insufferable bitch now, too."

I stood my ground, glaring at her. "Eighth, Eighth… are you that afraid of using her name? Wasn't she one of your allies?"

"Ally? Don't joke around like that." Corona pushed off the wall, walking slowly towards me. "None of us were comrades, but she was no ally of mine. A cruel and terrifying demon that even we feared, that was the Eighth Neck. But she was also a pretty pathetic figure. You could almost feel sorry for her."

"Do you understand it?" I demanded. "Her reasons?"

Corona stopped in front of me, smirking. "You're a little bold, but you're really not the Seventh or Eighth, you know. The useless one in all her lives." She reached out, touching my cheek playfully. "Don't get out of your depth. Better to walk away now."

I grabbed her arm with my left, my grip closing around her wrist like a vice. I stared over my forearm into her arms, my expression cold. "I don't have time for this. Just answer me."

Corona twisted, struggling to escape my grip. "Why, you little bitch-"

"That's enough, Corona. You're an idiot." Reiko stepped into the room, glancing at me. "I'll talk to you. But if you keep hurting her, it won't end well for you."

I let go, returning her gaze. "Talking is more my style, yes."

Reiko threw a pair of jeans at Corona. "And get dressed."

"Yes, yes." Corona snorted, stepping out of the way. "What's the point in talking to her? She doesn't have anything we want to begin with."

"It's less tiring." Reiko sat down and gestured for me to do the same.

I just shook my head, remaining standing. "I don't intend to make myself comfortable."

Reiko shrugged indifferently. "You came alone?"

I nodded. "So we can talk freely. I'll be talking first, though. I'm beginning to work it out, those sketches, your characters and the manga; all of it was based on our past. I say ours, because you two are part of the Orochi."

Reiko shrugged and nodded, a tacit 'so what?' emanating from her thin, pallid frame.

"But I don't really care about that. And I know Chikane-chan betrayed me and joined you. I don't really care about that either, though." I stared down at her. "What I want to know is this, when you told me so much, what did you intend? Did you want to help me, or hinder me? Are you still an enemy?"

"My intentions are irrelevant," Reiko said coldly. "I wasn't lying, and that's all you need to know. Likewise, merely friend or enemy… that doesn't really matter to you. You don't need to worry about that for two people you barely know, compared to the girl who could be your best friend or your lover. But the question I'd ask you is the same: is the Eighth your friend or your enemy?"

"I don't know. I still don't understand anything much. But now I understand just how many things I don't understand."

Corona sighed, finally dressed, and sat next to Reiko. "I hate talks like this. Either way, you're pretty bold, all of a sudden. Shouldn't you be all tearful?"

"That doesn't really matter to you," I returned.

Reiko frowned, scrutinising me. "You really aren't doing this for yourself, but for her… you're truly a bizarre person at times. Perhaps I should be less complacent about my understand of you."

"I only need your intentions for one more thing," I said, finally relenting and kneeling. But I held eye contact again, expression serious. "I need to know if I can trust your insight, since what I need is your insight. Tsubasa would undoubtedly twist everything as he pleased, Souma is biased, Chikane-chan is far away from me right now. That's why I'm here."

Reiko leaned forwards, resting her chin on her hands. "What do you need to know? About the Eighth's actions, her reasons and feelings? Or the Seventh? Or of the Orochi generally?"

I shook my head. "I need your insight into me. Hiroha, if you prefer. Tell me about me, all the things I can't see for myself. That's what I need from you."

Corona scowled. "This isn't entertaining at all, you know. I hate being looked at with those eyes."

"Eyes just like the Eighth. Even Corona can see them, so you should have noticed yourself. She is an idiot, after all." Reiko didn't even flinch when she was hit on the arm. "Why should I answer? What you think or do from now on has nothing to do with me."

"Because you love to hear yourself talk," I said. "And you'll enjoy manipulating me."

"So you're counting on being sharp enough to pull the essential truth from my words," Reiko said. "That's a little arrogant." She closed her eyes for a moment. "But I'll indulge you."

I gritted my teeth, forcing down my fear. "Go ahead."

"If Noboru possesses an unclear sight and Utae possesses a prophet's sense of scale, what would I say defines Hiroha?" Reiko spoke softly, opening her eyes and staring at me. "That would be _selflessness._"

I blinked in surprise. "I… see…"

"That's no compliment. I don't mean any misguided sense of heroism. Hiroha has a weak-to-non-existent sense of self. Noboru casts himself in strong terms as a knight, protector and friend, rooted in his love for Hiroha. Utae, no less, roots herself as a lady, a member of her family and of society, defined by expectations in tension with her love for Hiroha. But Hiroha's self is undefined, based on transient, nebulous and phantasmal ideas with no unifying narrative. She has few strengths she is confident in speaking of, so she subverts herself by making definition of her weaknesses. Hiroha is weak, and weakness can be attractive, in a dependant way. It's no coincidence she's surrounded by strong people who feel a protective impulse towards her. Rather than even trying to stand up with her own two feet, she seeks the help of others." Reiko snorted. "For instance, she would ask another person about herself rather than analysing herself."

"She's also a humble character, for the most part," I said steadily. "Hiroha has no difficulty in acknowledging Utae and Noboru for their talents, for example. It's neither weak nor foolish to depend on the dependable."

"Perhaps, but it isn't strong, either," Reiko said. "And of course, there's more. Hiroha isn't naturally gifted at comprehension… or so she believes. In reality, she's actually a gifted empath with an instinct for small changes in people, since she's extremely sensitive. That in itself is a double-edged condition, since she is both acutely aware and acutely vulnerable. But she has conditioned herself and others to believe that she doesn't easily understand anything, and that she has a generally flawed perception. Her faith in others, which in itself should also be some kind of strength, also twists this. She has no confidence in her judgements but sincerely _believes _in people to a dangerous degree, and as a result she has no trust in her intuition about other people and her perception of them is dogmatic. Hiroha is open-minded in getting to know someone, but once her mind is made up about them, inertia makes that opinion slow to change. She cannot easily hate those she has once loved, for example. Instead, she would make any excuse and look for any explanation but the most obvious, in order to preserve the comforting fantasy she has constructed." Reiko lowered her hands, bowing her head slightly. "And so you come to me."

I took a ragged breath, looking down unsteadily. There's an incredible intensity in her eyes, a loaded confidence, as if her words are absolute and undoubted truth. It's hard, very hard, not to simply believe in all of them. Especially since I know they make sense, they describe me. "Yes. You're right about that."

"It's better if you give up now. The gap between fantasy and reality is vast. It isn't something you have the strength to bridge."

"But faith isn't just a weakness. For example, you have many of those characteristics, as you describe them, without my flaws." I frowned, making it up as I went, but having a sense of destination. "You have an uncanny perception, and you know it and trust in it, far more so than me. So much so that your judgement for people should be close to people… but it's not. You're here in the dark with a single person you trust and love in all the world. If I have faith, you have despair, and you don't believe in anyone at all. The world you see and the world I see are vastly different, I know, but that doesn't mean you see reality."

"I've never laid claim to perfection. I have no interest in normal people. However, after recalling the Eighth's crimes, you should understand… its not just hubris, but fact, that I see something closer to objective truth. You're always deceived."

"If I'm mistaken, that is my fault, and not the worlds' reality. You said yourself it's my flaw." I closed my eyes. "And it's not Chikane-chan's fault that I never realised her true feelings. If I've made a mistake, I just have to admit that and make up for it, since I still believe. I can still stand because of that. And if I'm mistaken about my own feelings, I just have to confirm it."

"That's just sleight of hand. Your weak sense of self means you're pressured by your circumstances. You make of yourself what they want of you. But that's not sincere, nor can it last."

"No, it's nothing so complex. The truth is I really can be a little foolish, and a little misguided." I smiled softly. "It's not weak to admit to that. But it's weak to be happy with that, so I'm doing what I have to confirm my own feelings." I glanced at her, expression calm. "And so I came to you."

"If your mind's already made up, it's in bad taste to make us sit through all this," Corona said, pouting at me. "Don't mistake your place… Eighth, rapist, genius, rich, familial-bound, exalted by all, it's impossible for you to ever stand on her ground."

"I'm a little slow, so I don't know anything about that." I stood, stepping back and bowing. "I just know I have to confirm everything myself, if I can just see her one more time. That's all I can do."

"We will be watching. My story will need an ending, in the fullness of time." Reiko glanced thoughtfully up at me. "Maybe you can realise the transient essence of a dream for a little while, if it is you. Just remember that nothing is unchanging in this world."

Maybe, as I turn and walk towards the door. But I believe.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chains of Memory: Part 28**

Sorry I'm late again. Once again, it was hard to know where to begin...

Yes, it's time. On Saturday I am going to Cambridge to study History. What does this mean for the story? Well... I don't know. I'll have my laptop with me and internet access isn't a problem but I can't precisely judge how much free time I'll have to dedicate to the story. Luckily, this is a fairly natural end to the second 'arc'. I can promise I'm still committed to this story, which is a very long way from over.

* * *

What I have is faith… so they say. And what is that? Really, like any other approach to this question, it could be right or it could be wrong.

Now I'm alone again. I could go back, read a few chapters of my history books, cook dinner, and play around with Mako-chan. But I'm really not in the mood right now. I could turn my head away and pretend none of this ever happened. They're the same thing. I can't do that, though. I have too my questions, too much emotion, too many thoughts, too many ties that bind me. I can't simply pretend none of this ever happened and live happily ever after. Not now, anyway. Not yet.

A cool breeze played lightly about me, blowing strands of sandy-blonde hair into my eyes. I raised a finger idly, dragging it away. From my peaceful perch on a bench I'd found, I watched people go by absently. There was nothing to do. No urgency. It almost felt as if there was no time at all.

How many of these people could even imagine that this world had been broken and remade by just a dozen or so individuals? That such a fantasy story could exist is hardly something I can believe, if it wasn't for my instinct, and memory, and faith. I'd be happy, perhaps, if I wasn't involved in such a sad story.

I sighed, dismissing the thought. That's also an irrelevance. Ame No Murakumo or Orochi, it's nothing to do with me now. I can only deal with myself and the things that matter to me now. So I've talked to everyone I can, or should. I've framed the situation into so many questions. Does the past matter? Is my forgiveness necessary? Is this for the best? Could anything come of us, even if we met again? Can I overcome this fear?

Do I love her?

I put my hands on my knees, frowning gently. The problem was answering questions. When I think about myself, I don't really like definite decisions. I'm shy and indecisive, so I prefer for people to make decisions for me, and to go along with whatever they suggest, in the big and the small things alike. In a way, that's why Chikane-chan was so unusual for me… for some reason, I decided and followed through on that, and did my best to get to know her. What was more surprising was that it worked out, at least for a while, and until it did not. But even though our relationship promoted some foreboding circumstances, I kept at it until the crash. But in the end, I was just sliding along again. I never really stopped to clarify what I wanted, or intended, where to draw the line and how far I was willing to go. I somehow assumed Chikane-chan would be able to do that, pulling me closer or pushing me away. A busy and a strong person like her would have no difficulties making decisions about her own time, so all I had to do was follow my conviction of getting to know her. In that way, I could renounce any responsibility I had for thinking of her part too. I let myself get away with that.

After a few seconds, I noticed that my phone was ringing. I blinked slowly, pulling it out and raising it to my ear. "Hello."

"_Hi, Himeko. It's me." _Souma's voice was calm. _"Are you doing anything right now?"_

"Not really. Why?"

"I'm coming back, so I wondered if we could meet in the park. There's something I want to talk to you about."

I shrugged to myself. "What time?"

"In forty-five minutes, if that's fine with you."

"It's fine," I said, barely listening.

"Okay, I'll see you then. Later."

"Bye." I cut the call off, letting my hand fall to my side again. I didn't have anything better to do, so there was nothing to say.

But that time, I made a decision. When I rejected him. What made that decision so easy, when this one is so hard?

I touched my lips with my right hand, blinking slowly. What would it have been like, to kiss him? I don't have any conception of it, so I don't know. In my dreams, I cried. Why did I cry? Happiness? Sadness? Fear? Or was it as I am now, thinking of another face and lost and wondering about so many things. But Souma… Souma was simple. Is simple. He's handsome and talented and charming and kind and surprisingly bashful, he could and would protect me, and he'd never hurt me or betray me. He's a boy, and I am a girl. There's no need to worry about people's expectations or convention or my feelings. It should be perfect. But I rejected him because somehow I sensed he wasn't _right _somehow. Maybe a soulmate, or maybe nothing so simple, I knew I was waiting for something. Waiting for someone. I have a whole brace of reasons to fear any relationship with Chikane-chan now, most of all… romance. But it's also true that when I think of my reasons for that, it's not because I'm still waiting. When I think of her face no other face intrudes, even if it's my best friends, to a fault rather than as a virtue. So either I've outgrown that childish fantasy, or else it was… her, all along. Maybe because of my dreams, even though there was so much darkness and fear, it's possible I still waited for her, and now I've found her. Chikane-chan.

Why? I stared down at the palm of my hand, head heavy and bowed with my thoughts. Why did I still think of her, even now?

More questions. I'm still stalling, rather than truly searching for answers. It's not as if it's a complex truth, at the heart. While we have unbelievably complex circumstances, and my actions from there on out will depend on my answer to many questions, and Chikane-chan too, it all comes down to something very simple. Is it love or hate that I feel for her, above all else?

I'm afraid of that answer, perhaps because I already know.

* * *

"I've been waiting."

I glared at Ogami, stopping and staring at him. "I don't recall asking for it. What is it now?"

Ogami unfolded his arms, stepping towards me. "One more thing to talk about. Let's go. You're going home, aren't you?"

"Ah." I shrugged, following him. "I thought you said everything earlier. If I knew you were planning on a second round, I would have prepared notes."

"Right." Ogami glanced back at me. "Have you thought any more about what I said?"

I walked faster, catching up with him. "Not really," I said. "Right now, I just want to forget everything. You really aren't helping."

"Is that really okay, though? It's fine if you really do intend to sever all ties, but you would do well to hope you're certain about that." Ogami looked at me. "Otherwise, it's better to do something sooner rather than later."

"What's it to you?" I asked. "Since when have you been advising me?"

"It's not advice for you. All of this has Himeko in mind as well." Ogami looked ahead moodily. "I've been thinking about what you said, actually. And when I think about it, I don't know what's best for Himeko. Nor do I know what she wants. Maybe this is the only thing I can do."

"Then ask her. How do I know anything?"

"She doesn't know, either," Ogami said. "Both of you are the same, your minds aren't made up. You both say this is for the best but that's not something you're actually sure about, and I'm probably the only one who knows you're both the same. Trust me, Himeko doesn't know what she wants, either. The only thing I know for sure is she doesn't _just _hate you."

"I'm flattered," I said icily. "But she still hates me. As I am, she can't ever be comfortable with me, and I can't change so easily. It's all meaningless from the start. It's only because I'm weak that I can't break ties, rather than anything grounded in reality. But I do know that's the right thing to do."

Souma led me onto a side-road, looking around furtively. "Can I trust with something secret?"

I sighed. "You can freely despise me, but I'm an honourable person. Do as you please."

He stopped, looking away from me. "She asked if she could kiss me."

I closed my eyes, trying to control myself. "Congratulations," I said sarcastically.

A strangling feeling. So this smugness was his intention all along.

"It's not like that," Ogami said. "It wasn't anything like that. She said she wanted to confirm her feelings. She wanted to use me, with my permission, just for that. Do you understand that? The timid, unassuming, demure Himeko, saying such a thing… it's not arbitrary. She's that confused, trapped in ambiguity. I won't let you say she has easy or clear feelings."

"Well, I'm sorry for that," I said, glaring at him. "What did you do?"

"I couldn't do it," Ogami said, half to himself. He sounded like he was confessing a sin. "I said it wouldn't be right, since we're just friends. Even though I've always wanted to do it."

I sighed, relieved and dismayed at the same time. "You really are a half-hearted person… if you can't win her over to you in a situation like this, you don't even qualify as a man."

"I'm not an asshole who'd take advantage in her. That's a horrible way to live. Even so, I also knew she'd never fall for it. Even though she's confused, she still has a certain clarity. She hasn't lost sight of the most important thing in this situation." He glanced at me, his expression ambiguous. "She hasn't lost sight of you."

"If she could do that, she'd be a happier person," I said. "So, all the more reason for you to go and help her. As a friend, then, if you're so righteous… that's what you have to do, isn't it? You don't have time to spare playing word games with me."

"Maybe that's right," Ogami said slowly. "And maybe it's not."

I snorted. "What did I just say?"

"Perhaps if you'd listen to me and do what you do best, I wouldn't have to point this out," Ogami said impatiently. He glared at me. "Lying back and taking all my words at face value doesn't suit you at all. I only realised it after our conversation, but when I think about it, my predominant emotion at that point… was probably fear. I didn't want a kiss to confirm what I already know. I'm not the one she loves."

"You know, I know," I said. I rubbed my forehead, forcing down the pain. "Forgive me for the fact that I can't find it in me to care. I'm only worried about myself right now."

"Even so, the fact that she thought this was necessary also confirms this, for you and her, nothing's settled. There's no conclusion, not yet." Ogami stepped in front of me, pulling the manga from his bag and holding it out. "Rather than drag this out, isn't it better we end it now?"

I glared at him. "In what way that I'm not doing know? I told you, I've already decided that this is for the best."

"She hasn't decided," Ogami said. "That's enough. I called her out to the park… and one of us should go to her. It could be you, or it could be me."

I held his gaze steadily. "You haven't changed. Always so gung-ho about everything. Do you really think a premature meeting will help anything?"

"Maybe not. But I don't think there's going to be any other kind of meeting." Ogami narrowed his eyes. "It's something that can put off indefinitely like that, until tomorrow and the day after and the day after that… until eventually, the wounds have healed with your ardour, and you forget the reason you ever cared. I don't want it to end like that. In such a half-hearted way."

I folded my arms. "So, if I leave this here, you expect me to leave it forever."

"And if you take this chance, you end it cleanly or start again. Whatever seems best." Souma held out the manga, his arm steady. "If this is condescending, I'll live with that."

I smiled despite myself. Always so serious… and it's not as if I don't understand it myself, the truth in his words. Though it's painful and hard, if my life has taught me anything it's that those two things are often good signs. "I understand. I'll accept it."

"So?"

I raised my hand and took the manga. "So I'll go for broke." I stepped back, slipping the manga into my bag and looking at him again. "Don't misunderstand; from here on out, you're not necessary. It'll be a party for me and her, and we'll decide things there. That's all there is."

He nodded. "Right."

My lips quirked. "And you're okay with that?"

Ogami turned away, walking back towards the main street. "It's not as if I don't understand my place in the story."

I watched him go quietly, having no answer to that. And at length, I turned and walked my own way. I don't really know what comes next. So I'll go and find out.

* * *

Sitting on a bench in the street. Sitting on a bench in the park. I feel oddly surreal today, uncertain of the time and what came between these two things, or even where I am now. I'm dominated by my thoughts. Far more than the park itself, they're all I see, my thoughts and my memories.

I ran my fingers across my knee, over and over again. If I approach it from another way, isn't it amazing? For Chikane-chan to say she loves me… I'm not sure what I did to deserve that. It really was the last thing I expected of her. Even though I felt a closeness to her, I never really imagined I could be important in that way until Reiko told me. Even then, I didn't really believe. But knowing, hearing her say it, changed everything. Changes everything. Even without our past, or rather, what would I do if I discard our past? But it's not the just the past… her anger was real, and she hurt me and Souma, and I'm sure I hurt her too. Saying such things, I couldn't clearly tell the past from the present, and I ended up hurting her. Is she the Chikane-chan of my dreams? Did she rape me? In a crazy world like this one I've fallen into, what is our past, our selves, what is reality? Quite apart from anything else, I can't decide that. I still don't know.

"You shouldn't so easily follow in Ogami Souma's lead. I don't really trust this place now I know Tsubasa haunts it."

I blinked, my eyes widening in surprise as I looked up to see her standing there. A grey fleece over her white dress, her bag, her long hair blowing slightly in the wind… "Chikane-chan."

"So I couldn't really stay away," Chikane-chan said seriously. "So… good afternoon."

I rubbed my cheek, staring up at her. Was this another dream? A memory? "Good afternoon," I said weakly.

Chikane-chan nodded. "And Ogami's not coming. He said… he'd leave it to me. So, I'm here." She looked down uneasily at me, before turning and rooting through her bag. "I put it here somewhere, let me find it."

I looked down at my feet, feeling overawed by her merely standing there. My complex emotions, both fear and longing, they're all wrapped up. I can't get caught up in that, the pace of her presence. I have to speak.

"Here." Chikane-chan held out Reiko's manga for me to take. "At least, I need to return this to you."

"Ah." I managed to look up as far as her hand, taking it hesitantly. "Thank you."

"It's nothing." Chikane-chan paused for a moment, before turning and facing the other way. "Is that all? If you want me to go, I understand. I know I don't have any right to be here."

"That's not it at all," I said hurriedly. "It's just I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I don't have any conclusions yet, so I don't really know what to say-"

"It's fine. You don't have to apologise or explain to me." Chikane-chan looked out across the park, her face hidden from me. "I decided that if I waited until I was certain about everything, this meeting would never happen at all. I didn't want that."

"Nor do I," I began, staring at the back of her neck and trying to master my emotions. The fear is still there, so strong, choking me in her, and I remember clearly the sight of her smooth back walking away from me without looking back. This is an image from the past, so close to that. So much so I'm blurred and spaced out between then and now. But this is different. She's about to walk away. This time, that's because she thinks that's what I want. Or because she thinks that's what is right.

"I need to apologise, at least. For everything." Chikane-chan didn't move, her body stiff. "For what I did in the past, which was unforgivable, and what I did in this life as well. I- did what I promised myself I would never do, letting my selfish feelings have full reign without considering your position, and hurting you and Ogami both. And for what I said… for loving you… I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want. I know you'd never accept a twisted love like this." She turned to face me, her eyes sad but clear. There weren't any tears. Her mind is already made up. "Though my answer hasn't changed. I can't simply renounce that for your sake, even though that would be for the best."

I gawked, trying to find words. Come on, scatterbrained me, I could do this with Reiko… why is everything with Chikane more complicated? "Um, it's okay," I said, waving my hands hurriedly. "You don't need to apologise-"

"Yes. I do."

I stopped short at her tone, collecting myself slightly. "Yes, you do." I stood, forcing myself to meet her eyes. A thrill of fear rushed through me and melted, ice in the warm liquid blue. "But I also need to apologise. I was overwhelmed by my memories, but that's no excuse. You're not the same person as the Lunar Miko. By confusing the two of you, and misjudging the sincerity of your feelings, I put you in an impossible position. I'm sorry… I really did hurt you, acting like that." I swallowed my mouth suddenly dry. "You were right to be angry with me."

Chikane-chan shook her head. "I should have better self-control. And what I did to you at that time was real; we both know that…. I'm trying to take responsibility, so I'll accept all the blame. You aren't at fault for anything. Everything began with my sin."

"No. Things aren't that simple." My hands twisted together as I searched for words. "When you say that, it's too sad… if you blame yourself for everything I won't be able to bear it. I'm not a child, so blame me for my mistakes. I'll take responsibility for myself, too."

"Even so…" Chikane-chan looked away, her expression anguished. "I'm sorry. Forgive yourself for everything for me. I don't want you to have regrets, so let's at least end this amicably."

I closed my eyes, breathing heavily. "It doesn't work like that. Don't talk like this so suddenly."

"But-"

"At least tell me your reason!" I burst out, before gathering myself. No, not like this. I'd meant to ask this later. Once we were more comfortable again. I didn't want this to be a confrontation, but when she's so mournfully before me more than ever I have to know. "I don't know everything or understand everything. Whether it was your thoughts or your feelings or Orochi, there has to be a reason. I want to know. No, I have to know."

"I'm not going to make excuses for myself. Nothing I could say would detract from that unforgivable thing, so I don't want to talk about it." Chikane-chan looked down, still avoiding my gaze. "I don't want you to think about it, either, if that's at all possible."

"How could-" I broke off, slapping my cheeks sharply. I can't afford to space out here. "There's no way I could do that, so I have to know. Since I was afraid and I was horrified, and I did think of it as an unforgivable thing, but even so…" I swallowed, forcing myself to find words. "Even so, I still believed. I have faith in you, so at least, let me hear your reason."

"I don't know." Chikane-chan turned away awkwardly. "I… I don't know anything, they've spoken to me, but it all just sounds like an excuse, and I can't really understand, how much of it was calculation, and how much of it was my true dark feelings, and how broken I must be for it to work, it's all mixed up in my head, so I really don't understand myself, the fact that I could do that… and live to bear it-"

I stood awkwardly behind her, listening to her. There wasn't any coherence to her words, no narrative, none of her clipped expressiveness or her elegant, rounded description or even her rapid, wavering thoughts-aloud. This was heavy, riddled with emotion, a release, since she was suffering. And I couldn't say anything. I couldn't move. I could see her so pained, so broken and vulnerable, so opposite of everything I'd come to expect from her, and I couldn't do a thing to help her.

This is just like before. Her actions, her feelings for me, her anger, time and again I'm blindsided by my contrived expectations of her. And I can't ever do anything. So, this time, I have to. I have my own guilt.

So I took a tentative step forwards, reached out, and placed my hand on our shoulder. She stiffened instantly, and my heart lurched, as if a shock of electricity had passed between us. My vision swam but I kept my grip fine. "I'm sorry. I'm forcing you, I know. Just tell me… not as an excuse. Just saying it aloud is fine, right? I'm sure it will help you, too."

Chikane-chan laugh-hiccuped. "What is this… how the hell is it that _you _are comforting _me_ in this situation? I'm altogether too-"

"You're not too anything. It's normal." I rubbed my eyes with my left forearm, careful to make sure she didn't notice. "You've had to bear this all alone."

"I'm never alone," Chikane-chan said, her voice a little more steady. Her right hand moved, and I know she was grasping her pendant. "Even if my conceit is that, Otoha-san and my parents both, they're always supporting me. I don't have any excuses."

"I'm supporting you too, okay?" I said. "I care."

"I know. It's infuriating." Chikane-chan looked down. "What I was told is this… to recreate the world, it's inevitable that one of the Miko would kill the other as a sacrifice to Ame No Murakumo. I discovered this before you did, and I decided the best thing would be if you could kill me without regrets. For that, I'd become a demon and an Orochi, push you so far you despised me, and let you kill me. And at that point, you'd forget everything when you reincarnated. Ogami would take care of you."

My grip tightened. "I see. So it was something like that."

"And the terrible thing is this," Chikane-chan said, her voice low. "I wish I could denounce my logic, my decision, but I'm not sure if I wouldn't do the same thing in that situation. I'm ruthless and cold, I know that, twisted and frustrated by the world, I can understand all my reasons." She pulled away from me and turned to face me, meeting my eyes. "So hopefully you can understand why we need to end things cleanly here. I'm not that person, but I am still me. I can't trust myself, so you shouldn't trust me. All I ask is that you remember me for my apologies, not my sins… though that may be impossible."

I met her eyes, feeling mine waver. No, I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry, either. "You're… you're always like this," I said. My body moved on instinct, hugging her and throwing my head over her shoulder. "You're trying to go away again."

"Himeko?" Chikane-chan asked, sounding slightly strangled.

"I'm not going to let go. I know that you'll go if I do, so this is the only way I can hold you here." A tear fell onto her fleece and I sniffed, trying to keep my voice steady. "At least until you've listened to me. Ending cleanly, memories, I don't want to talk about that! I don't want you to leave!"

"But…" Chikane-chan stopped, her body relaxing slightly. "Are you crying?"

"I'm not crying," I insisted, my fingers digging into her back. "There's no way I could cry right now. I'm happy, because I got to see you again."

Chikane-chan relaxed slightly, hugging me back. "I understand. This time, I won't go anywhere."

I opened my eyes, relishing the contact. She's so warm. "This happened before, I think. I tried to hold onto you. But that time, I didn't say anything, and you left me behind again." I looked up at the sky, feeling my tears slow. "So I'm going to say everything this time."

Chikane-chan nodded, relaxing her grip a little. "I'll listen to anything, so… just talking is fine. I won't do anything like that again."

I nodded, feeling reassured, and released her. I stepped back, blushing suddenly when I realised what I'd just done. "It looks like I did something spontaneous again," I said apologetically.

"Not at all," Chikane-chan said, looking embarrassed. "It's nostalgic."

I giggled at that, wiping my eyes with my forearm to clear them. "Let's sit down, shall I?"

Chikane-chan nodded, following me and sitting on the bench next to me. She placed her hands on her knees, looking down. "So…"

"So," I began, trying to think of what I was going to say. I'm sure it was all vitally important, I just couldn't remember any of it. "I don't really understand everything, but-" I frowned and broke off, remembering Reiko's words. "No, I understand some things. There are things I don't know. But neither of those things are important. More than both of them, and more than anything else, I just want to stay with you. Saturday was a mistake. I don't want things to end this way or that… I don't want things to end at all."

"I," Chikane began, before breaking off. "I understand. I can work with that. No, I'd- like that. But I don't want you to force yourself. I don't want to hurt you, and if I do I'd rather not see you at all."

"That would hurt me more," I pouted. "And… you're always dealing with everything. This is something I have to deal with." I turned my head, taking in her pendant, the connection between us, bright against her flawless skin. "I can't promise you. So promise me, even if I am hurting, even if we both suffer, even if it is hard, _stay_. At least stay until we've tried and tried until there's nothing left. I know this is selfish, but please promise me that."

"Ah." Chikane-chan closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. "A promise like that rather goes against type for me."

"I know." I grabbed her hand with my own, leaning forwards slightly. "That's why it's important. Just… stay. Promise?"

Chikane-chan opened her eyes, smiling weakly. "Promise. Though I don't deserve this-"

"I don't care about that, either," I said. "I don't think I deserve you, but we get what we receive. The more you say that, the more I'll give you."

Chikane-chan nodded, looking flushed. "That sounds rather fun…"

I blushed and realised our position, taking my hands away and looking down. "Sorry. This isn't like me at all. I'm normally not so… aggressive."

Chikane-chan giggled slightly, looking away. "That's also fun. I'm sorry, too. It looks like I've made you worry."

"It's fine." I released a long breath, feeling some of the tension in my chest slowly dissolve. "How about you? You must have something to say."

Chikane-chan frowned. "Um. I'm still sorry for everything. And I'll do my best to be your friend, just as you want."

"Thank you." I looked down at my knees again, feeling vaguely embarrassed. This close proximity is something I can appreciate more, now I don't have to worry about my hysteria. "But- you don't have to apologise for your feelings. I was wrong, not you… they aren't wrong. I don't want you to apologise for that."

"For various reasons, not least… that… there's no way I can be comfortable with them." Chikane-chan looked up at the sky. "But I also needed to hear that. There's a small part of me that was developing a persecution complex… not that it's your fault! More like other people, but if you can forgive me for this, I won't mind at all."

"There's nothing to forgive. I'd hate to see you hating yourself." I glanced at her face. When she tilts her head like that, her hair falling across her brow like so, and her eyes are bright and alive-

"I'll try my best." Chikane-chan glanced at me, surprised, as I turned my head away abruptly. "Himeko?"

I closed my eyes, swallowing nervously. I have to say this. I have to. "Umm. One more thing. I can't make any promises, and either way I'm not ready just yet… I'm going to make you wait for me on a lot of different things, I know, but I'll do my best. And… uh… if it's okay with you, don't worry too much about the 'being my friend' thing. At least, being _just _my friend. If you know what I mean." I caught her puzzled look and winced. Why was all of this so hard?

So I held her hand instead. That was easier to understand.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chains of Memory: Part Twenty-Nine**

Internet access has been secured. With that said, my director of studies has mentioned a 40-hour week, so... watch this space. My updates probably won't be as regular as I'd like.

* * *

Himeko busied herself with the keys to the door, humming something cute and nonsensical to herself. For my part, I hung back uncomfortably. As confident as I am in most social situations, this is anything but most… and as far as I can tell, Himeko is unaware of my tension. So I can't afford to say anything. I'll just have to bear with it, especially since I brought all this on myself to begin with.

It's hard to think coherently, though, especially when I am so… happy? Perhaps. But I'm not really comfortable with my new situation, either. It's just less bad than the old. I can't think like that, though, not when I'm already this fortunate-

Himeko pushed the door open, stepping through. "I'm home."

"You're really late, just where have you been this time?" Saotome said, coming to the door then stopping dead. She gave me an unguardedly bemused look. "Uh-"

"Chikane-chan's going to stop by here for a bit," Himeko said cheerfully. "That's okay, right?"

I gritted my teeth and bowed my head. "I'm sorry. I've treated both you and Himeko badly. I apologise deeply for that."

Himeko looked at me in surprise, while Saotome just scratched her head, looking bemused. "I don't really get it," she said. "But if you apologise like that, I guess I don't really have a choice."

"No. There's no need to forgive me after everything. I don't expect that. So, if possible, I'd appreciate it if you could at least let me start again here, and act in a better way."

"Well, it isn't as if I wasn't angry with you," Saotome said, collecting herself slightly. "But don't misunderstand. I was angry about Himeko being upset, since the rest isn't important enough to lose sleep over. So if she's forgiven you, then so will I."

"I've forgiven her," Himeko said hurriedly. "Though it was more than half my fault anyway."

"Don't believe her when she says that. But, thank you." I straightened, looking at Saotome thoughtfully. "And I'm sorry to disturb you at this time of night, as well."

"You two make me feel old," Saotome groused, stepping back into their flat. "We're supposed to have at least some inertia at our age. This is bad for my heart."

"It's okay this way, isn't it?" Himeko said, following her and kneeling to take off her shoes. "Since it turned out for the best."

"How about one of you explains all this to me, anyway?" Saotome asked. "Oh, and what's up with the head?"

"A sparring accident. It should heal." I stepped over the threshold myself, silently apologising for the intrusion. I shot the room beyond a furtive glance. This was the first time I'd been in Himeko's room, and I was rather curious about the whole thing.

"We met in the park and talked things over," Himeko said vaguely. "It's not like we hated each other, so we could settle things amicably enough."

"That's quite a thing to settle," Saotome said, glancing suspiciously at me. "I hope you didn't promise anything unwise."

"Of course not. I'm not an idiot, and even then, Chikane-chan wouldn't let me do anything like that." Himeko walked towards the kitchen. "I'll make dinner, okay, Chikane-chan?"

"If you insist," I said, closing the door behind me and stepping into the flat proper. "Tell me if there's anything I can do to help."

"I doubt that, so it's safe to ask," Saotome observed. "Well, sit down, anyway."

I did so, looking around as intently as politeness allowed. It was rather less spacious and elegant than my custom, but I suppose that's to be expected. And it was well kept, probably thanks to Himeko. She seems to be a good housekeeper, as far as I can tell. That fits with her gentle image.

Saotome sat opposite me, looking at me piercingly. "This must be rather different from what you're used to," she said.

I looked blankly back. I've already decided that humouring her is for the best. Himeko is more important, so there's no meaning in unnecessary risks. "Not at all. I have enough friends in student accommodation to know. And being independent is also commendable. I'm still relying on my parents."

"Oh, really?" Saotome leaned forwards, resting her chin on her hands and yawning slightly. "It's not something so precious to me I wouldn't trade it away for more rooms. Or for anything, really. Independence just means you have to clean it and pay for it."

"Can't you talk about something more cheerful?" Himeko asked from the kitchen. "It's embarrassing."

Saotome shrugged. "Fine, fine. Harry's gone back, hasn't he?"

"Forwards, rather than back. They're touring Japan right now." I blinked at her. "I can give you his number, though, if you like."

"No thanks," Saotome said. "A stop on the train is one thing, but the Pacific's larger. Besides, I wouldn't have much in common with him, either."

"I suppose so." I narrowed my eyes slightly. "And is your university course going well?"

"I'm getting by," Saotome said. "The clubs are more fun. A lot of interesting people. I'm trying to get Himeko to join one."

"You make it sound like I'm being lazy," Himeko said, now busy with whatever she was cooking. "But it's not like that. I keep telling you, there aren't really any clubs that I'm interested in, that's all."

"No cooking club?" I asked thoughtfully.

"No cooking club," Himeko echoed. "Though I might not join that even if there was one. I cook enough here, after all."

"There is a photography club, though," Saotome said. "I keep telling her to join, but she always makes excuses."

"They're not excuses," Himeko grumbled.

I smiled slightly at her tone. When I hear her like this, I almost forget how distraught she was not an hour ago. Far more than me, she rallies fast. She's strong, insofar as she's just so happy being around the people who care for her. "You stopped doing photography before, right?"

"Right. I'd rather do something new than pick it up again now."

"So she says," Saotome observed, shrugging. "But if you ask me, she's more worried about the time constraints, and being able to meet a certain person."

I turned away from her, glancing at the back of Himeko's head. "Did you enjoy photography? I'm curious as to why you quit in the first place, actually."

"I enjoyed it, but it started to feel pointless," Himeko said. "I didn't have any direction. And the photos I did make, somehow they made me more sad than happy."

"You should try again, all the same," Saotome said. "You can always quit, right?"

"Well, yes, but that way I'd be letting the other members down," Himeko said, turning back to her cooking.

"That doesn't matter," Saotome said. "And, well, it's not true. They don't mind, it's what everyone expects of new students. You should impose on people a little more, and see what you like."

I frowned thoughtfully. "Well, it might be worth trying, indeed. You can always practise a little in your spare time before joining, and see if you like it."

"That's a good idea," Himeko said. "I might look about getting a cheap camera, then."

Saotome sighed. "Yes, yes. If that's what makes you comfortable, go ahead." She glanced at me. "But I'm surprised you're okay with her becoming even more busy than she is now."

"If it makes her happy, then she should do it," I said. "Nothing else really comes into that… and I have even more commitments than her. I'd feel guilty if she didn't enjoy her own spare time."

"Hmm." Saotome gave me a thoughtful look but said nothing more.

I turned away calmly and watched Himeko cook again. In many ways, I'm not who I was before, especially with this. I still have many more doubts, many more fears, but I also have Himeko's words, Himeko's promise. She said she wanted to be with me. So I don't have to feel insecure any more, since she felt strongly enough to forgive me and say that so clearly.

I wish I felt I deserved that, but Himeko may have been right. Grandfather's position, my mother's misfortune, this cramped flat and the many things I can't justify even to myself, about myself… you get what you get, not what you deserve, be that good or bad things.

Himeko put the plates in front of us. "Pasta, since it's simple," she said, putting a plate in front of the place next to me and sitting down. "I've been trying some new things like that, to see if I can learn something new."

"It looks delicious." I picked up my cutlery deftly, trying to remember the last time I'd eaten pasta. One of the restaurants I'd been dragged to at the start of term?

"I prefer noodles," Saotome said. "But I suppose this is fine too."

"Do you have to say that?" Himeko complained. "It makes a change."

"It does, it does," Saotome said. She began. "Where's Souma, anyway? He hasn't dropped by recently."

"He phoned me earlier," Himeko said. "He sounded like he was doing okay."

"I saw him in the canteen," I said. "I'm sure he's doing fine. Possibly he's inundated with work, of course."

"How about you?" Saotome asked. "I doubt your professors go lighter on you."

"I can manage," I said. "Just. My schedule is very tight, I may have to drop a club or two."

"So you say, but what you try and do at once is superhuman to begin with," Saotome said. "It doesn't make sense to me."

"You're in a lot of clubs, too," Himeko said. "It's not like you work less hard."

"Yeah, but I'm not going to be a top-ranker at the end of at all. It's unreasonable." Saotome looked down broodily. "In any case, you should be worrying about yourself. Have you done that essay?"

"Almost," Himeko said. "I'm totally ready, apart from the actual writing thing."

"That's not almost, that's not at all," Saotome said. "But it's not like I don't understand. Make sure you explain clearly to him when you hand it in, so he doesn't get angry."

"I'll try," Himeko said. "But I don't want to sound like I'm making an excuses."

"It's not making excuses when you have an explanation, you know."

"Umm. With Fujioka-san, it's only not making excuses when you have an essay," Himeko mumbled.

"I suppose you can't argue with that." Saotome glanced at me. "Any big ideas?"

I glanced up in surprise, swallowing a mouthful of pasta. It was rather good, actually. "Hmm… nothing springs to mind. It's not a question I can be comfortable answering under the circumstances, anyway."

"I suppose so."

I smiled slightly as she looked away. Something like this, sitting and eating with Himeko, is quietly comforting. And even Saotome adds to the familiar atmosphere, so I can't resent her presence. Or rather, would I feel more pressure if it was just the two of us? Perhaps. Right now, I'm not inclined to push my luck, even in my head. Though all of this is simple, I'm grateful for it, all the same.

"How about you, Chikane-chan?" Himeko asked, looking at me. "Do you get on with your tutors?"

"I suppose so," I said. "Mashiba-san was rather distant with me. I'm not sure why. Perhaps that's just his manner."

"It's surprising. You're the elite at the elite school, after all." Saotome glanced in my direction before returning to my food. "Did your parents go there, or something?"

"They went to Kyoto, and it's there my mother has invested. It's ironic that my grandfather should order Isato there, and me here." I shrugged. "Though that may be what Mashiba-san resents. Not the Kyoto business, but it's possible he doubts my academic credentials as a result of my status."

"Seems a little far-fetched. Maybe he just doesn't like you."

I smiled coolly. "That's always possible, of course."

"Did they meet there?" Himeko asked curiously.

I blinked. "Sorry?"

"Your parents."

"Oh. No, not in a significant way. It was a few years later they really met." I shrugged. "I don't know much about it, though. No child wishes to know anything about their parents' romance."

"It's interesting, though," Himeko said wistfully. "I still can't really imagine your parents, though you talk about them a lot. They must be really interesting people."

"I suppose so," I said, aware we were on dangerous ground again. For her more than for me, true, but also for me. "I don't know them as well as I'd like myself. They work hard for me."

"It could be worse," Saotome observed.

"I know. I've never considered myself unfortunate."

"It'd be nice to meet them some day," Himeko said idly. "When will you see them next, then? The end of term?"

"Quite possibly," I said. "If they're not too busy, I'd go to meet them."

"Are you homesick?"

I shook my head. "Not really. I'm used to this life, and Otoha-san is still looking after me."

"Me neither. Well, this is almost like the dorm at Mahoroba anyway." Himeko blinked. "Ah, do you need to tell Otoha-san where you are?"

"Who's Otoha-san?" Saotome asked.

"My attendant," I said absently. "In any case, I'd forgotten, but I'm sure she won't worry. She knows I can look after myself."

Himeko frowned. "Maybe, but you should still tell her. I'm sure she'd worry even though she knows you're strong, because she's kind."

"You may be right," I admitted. I put my cutlery aside and stood. "If you'll excuse me, I suppose I'll take care of it, then."

"Go ahead." Himeko picked up her plate. "I'll start the washing up."

I walked to the front door and stepped outside, pulling out my phone. I rang the address of my apartment. Presumably she'd be there.

"_This is Chikane Himemiya's residence."_

"It's me. Good evening."

"Ojou-sama! Where are you, staying out late without warning me? I'd understand if it was a club, but I was expecting you two hours ago!"

I winced. "I'm sorry. I forgot… in any case, I'm at Himeko's place."

"_You are?"_

"I am. She's… uh… forgiven me, more or less."

"_You haven't done anything, have you?"_

She sounded half-suspicious, half-resigned. I took a moment to work it out. "No, nothing. Saotome is here as well."

"_I see. I'm glad, then. When will you be back?"_

I glanced at my watch. "Maybe in an hour or two. Oh, and I've eaten."

Otoha-san sighed audibly. _"Well, take your time. You might as well enjoy yourself."_

"Thank you," I said. "I'm sorry for inconveniencing you like this."

"Not at all. I'll see you when you get back."

"Until then. Bye." I rang off, feeling slightly guilty. I can forgive myself for my rather overwhelmed self earlier today, but I should have thought of this sooner once I'd calmed down. I guess I was still basking in the afterglow of being forgiven, after all.

When I turned around to walk back, though, Saotome was standing there.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

I smiled wanly. "Go ahead, though I've never had much luck with any statement preceded by those words…"

"I'll be short," Saotome said. "I don't understand your exact situation, or even your exact relationship with Himeko… whatever. It doesn't matter. I'll forgive you this once, but make sure you don't hurt her again, okay?"

"I'm not as confident as I once was about that, but I'll try my best," I said. "It's not as if I want to hurt her, you know."

"Maybe. Just be careful." Saotome folded her arms. "I know you can take this stuff, and someone like me is fine too, but Himeko is different. She's had a difficult life and she takes thing hard. She can do what she thinks best, of course, but I don't want anyone hurting her."

"I know. I'll do everything I can. Like I said, I also want to protect her." I met her eyes. "In an ideal world, I'd take over from you in doing so… though whether I can do so is another question."

"If you insist. I don't get it, though. Why… her?" Saotome looked at me analytically. "Whatever you want, there has to be other people as well. I can understand her position, but if you're seriously talking this way… I still don't understand why."

"I'd answer clearly if I had a clear answer," I said. "It's just because it's her, that's all. She's not an ordinary person. If you're close to her, you must understand that."

"Maybe. My feelings and yours sound like they're different, though. I don't really understand that, either."

I blinked slowly. "Think what you will. I don't really have anything to say."

Saotome gave me a long look, then shrugged and nodded. "Fine. It always is her, after all. But if your mind is made up, I can't stop you, even if this is against my better judgement."

"That's fine." I glanced at her. "If I convince you, it'll be by my actions, not by my words. That's also my intention in this situation, since it's also something I have to prove to myself… that I can make Himeko happy."

"And if you can't?"

I shrugged. "Whatever happens, I'll take responsibility."

"That's your kind of answer." Saotome sighed, stepping aside. "Me, I'd say I wouldn't ever let that happen."

I stepped past her, entering their flat again. "I'm not you, though."

"How's Otoha-san?" Himeko asked, looking up. "Was she worried?"

"She's fine now," I said. "I'll tell her you said hi, if you like." I glanced behind me, only to find Saotome had disappeared.

"That would be good. Tell her I'm sorry, as well, for last time." Himeko looked down in embarrassment. "I'm sure that upset her."

"She'll forgive you. She forgave me." I frowned, changing the subject. "Do you know where Saotome is?"

"She's gone jogging. She should have gone past you, right?"

I nodded vaguely. "I was just wondering where she was going."

I'm not sure whether she's hostile or amicable, under the circumstances. But I suppose I can forgive her a little suspicion, since she let me have time alone with Himeko again.

"I've washed up," Himeko said cheerfully. "Do you want to do something? Or do you have to be getting back?"

"I have a little more time, I think," I said cautiously. "What do you suggest?"

"Hmm. I'm not sure." Himeko sighed. "The problem with this place is there's really not much to do."

"If it's with you, anything is fine," I said, feeling a bittersweet sincerity. Meaning that so much, caring this much, it's a dangerous ache. "Or we could just sit and talk. It doesn't matter, really."

"Wouldn't that be boring, though?"

I smiled. "Not for me. I don't know about you, of course."

"No, no, not at all." Himeko smiled, walking across the room and sitting down on her bed. "Just talking is good, as well."

I sat on Saotome's bed, looking across at her. It's always when we're alone, just like this, that I become aware of it again. Himeko is a beautiful girl, and I'm so very conscious of her being a beautiful girl. "I will have to go soon," I said, to cover myself. "So let's talk now."

Himeko nodded. "How about your head? I'm sorry I didn't ask earlier, but are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I said, touching my bandage guiltily. "It should heal just fine."

"How did it happen, exactly?"

"A sparring accident," I said again. "My opponent failed to pull the blow properly and struck me. These things happen."

"Don't you have kenjutsu lessons on Tuesday, though?" Himeko said, all innocent puzzlement.

"This was a catch-up session," I said vaguely. "And I… wasn't concentrating as much as I should have been. It was partly my fault."

"Oh." That seemed to have the desired effect.

I swallowed dryly. I'm not comfortable with it, all this deception. Something so simple when applied to anyone else feels so wrong when I do it to her. My head is one thing, and my feelings too… even if she says she doesn't mind I can never express these things I notice, the things I want to say. What hurts her more, the deception, or what it hides?

I don't know. I wish I had the confidence I have with everything else about this… but I don't wish for the experience of failure, not with her. Himeko is important, and all my worries start from there.

* * *

I'm here again. I've long since stopped being surprised by all this. In a way, it's comforting. At least that's how I feel right now, since my mood is fairly good.

_I am in the rose garden, just like before. Bishop's waiting for me, with her sword slung into her obi again. "Good evening," she says._

"_Hi." I smile at her. "How are you?"_

"_I don't change. You, on the other hand, are in excellent spirits." Bishop played with the roses again. "You don't have to explain, I already know. What could be better could also be much worse."_

"_I just did what I wanted to do," I say quietly. "Since no matter what, I didn't want to part from her. When I saw her again, I really realised that."_

"_I see. What are you going to do now?"_

_I frown. "I'm… not sure. I'll see her again whenever I can, and see how things go. It's been so fast, everything, I still haven't really had time to process it."_

"_It could be better if you were more decisive. But I also understand that you're following your own feelings in your own way." Bishop glances at me. "I'm glad you can at least take your time and decide… just remember nothing lasts forever. It's always better to settle things sooner rather than later. Don't waste this chance."_

_I nod. "I won't. I promise."_

_Bishop turns to face me, nodding back. "Yes. In any case, you know this already… what do you want to see? More happy scenes?"_

_I consider for a few moments. It's tempting, I know, and they could further balm my still-bruised spirit and confidence. Maybe the right thing to do is to reassure myself like that. But, do I really have that kind of time?_

"_Well?" Bishop prompts._

"_How about… what happened last?" I say hesitantly. "I'm still not certain of the exact flow of events, but something happened after… that, right? How did things end, with Orochi and Ame No Murakumo? And Chikane and I? How did we end up here?"_

_Bishop frowns. "That's the only thing I can't show you."_

"_What? Why?" I glare at her. "Are you trying to protect me again?"_

"_No, it's nothing like that. I don't know. Or rather, my last memory is going to confront Chikane-chan." Bishop looks down at the floor. "Only the Queen knows how things ended. It's not something I can just show you."_

_I bite my lip in frustration. "Really? That's frustrating. Can't you take me to her, then? I'll ask her myself."_

"_I wouldn't advise it. It's a strain for you both, her more than for you… and she isn't well right now. Her attention is turned inwards to Chikane-chan, or rather, the Chikane-chan who stays with her." Bishop closes her eyes. "If you want to see her, make her better yourself. That's something attained on earth, not in your dreams."_

"_By being with Chikane-chan, right?"_

_Bishop nods. "More than anyone else, the Queen has to resent her lost time. She doesn't resent you because she is kind. I just hope you'll fulfil her trust."_

"_I'll do it. For my sake, as well as hers." I glance at her, a soft breeze rustling my hair gently. "It's not as if I'm living through these dreams alone. I just want to see what I could learn from my past."_

_Bishop glances at me. "You've changed. Well, I suppose you've had to change."_

"_I'm not sure. It feels like I'm just expressing myself more clearly now."_

_Bishop smiles slightly, turning away and touching the roses again. "Quite. Well, I would show you if I could. I'm no different… it's torture, knowing all of a story except the ending. And I can never, ever learn it."_

"_One day, I'll ask the Queen," I say forcefully. "And then I'll tell you."_

_Bishop laughs. "I told you, didn't I? You should concentrate on what's in front of you, rather than worrying about mere dreams."_

"_I can do both." I pout. "Then even you can't complain, right?"_

"_Yes, yes. In any case, what do you want to see? I'll show you anything else."_

_I look around thoughtfully. "Um… what do you advise? You know a lot more than me about everything, so can I just leave it to you?"_

"_I can advise. I'm surprised, though." Bishop shrugs. "Hmm. I suppose I could show you the bus station."_

_I blink. "The bus station?"_

_Bishop glances sidelong at me over her shoulder. "You can see the Orochi in close quarters. And it's also vaguely similar to what you just experienced, insofar as Chikane-chan told us not to leave…"_

"_That sounds good. Go ahead."_

_Bishop raises a hand, the scene dissolving around her. Within moments, we're standing in the evening's half-light, watching another I sitting and waiting._

"_Just remember that I don't have any solid answer," Bishop says, stepping back and disappearing. "Not to the question you most seek."_

* * *

"Back again?"

I stop in front of Tsubasa Nii-san, looking down at him. "Why are you always here?"

"Just as you see," Nii-san remarked. "If I'm always here, people always know where I am. It's not as if I have anything better to do."

"I don't get it, though," I said. "You're intelligent and strong. Can't you get some kind of work, and have some kind of life? You don't need to chase after the past."

"Work?" Nii-san laughed bitterly. "Even were I so inclined, my criminal record is thick and rank enough that no one would ever touch me. Nor do I have an education. People forced the fringes are forced to remain there, that's the order of this world."

"I think you could change it, if you tried," I said. "But maybe you can't change that easily."

Nii-san smirked, leering at me with his bloody eyes again. "In any case, you didn't come here to talk about me. No one ever does. You came to talk about yourself."

"It's about Himemiya and Himeko," I said defensively. "Since you said you were interested in them."

"So… it's about you," he said, with his usual infuriating smile.

I gave him an annoyed look. "Yes, it's about me. I quit, or whatever. I've been thinking things over, and this isn't the right thing to do. Protecting Himeko and making her happy… they're not this simple. What is simple is knowing that I've failed, when she's crying and hurt, all because of me."

"So what did you do?" Nii-san asked. "If it's you, you would definitely do something."

"I made them meet. I don't know how it went."

"No doubt all is forgiven. That is the nature of Ame No Murakumo's destiny."

"How Himeko feels is just that," I said irritably. "It doesn't have anything to do with your Orochi, or Ame No Murakumo, or anything like that. I'm not interested, either."

"Can you really believe that, though?" Nii-san asked pointedly. "In every lifetime, out of all the people in the world, they always find each other? And that's even so in this lifetime free of their duty, so that of all the people Himemiya could befriend it was her, and of all the people your girl could fall for, it would be her? Even your sincere affection is nothing compared to that destiny. Isn't something like that easier to accept than the alternatives for you?"

"I don't need excuses. She didn't choose me. Her reasons are always her own." I glared at him. "I can accept that, so don't try to use it against me."

Nii-san sighed deeply, frowning at me. "One and all, so few people really understand how controlled everyone is. Ame No Murakumo is just a symbol of the whole, a whole emodied by the concept of social order in itself… regardless, though. You haven't changed at all. Once and always a martyr to match the Eighth."

"You can say what you like. That's just my decision, as well." I frowned at him. "You should forget it, too. I'll contact Kazuki-san, work something out…"

"I'm not interested." Tsubasa smirked. "What is interesting is that you came to talk to me. You must know that if you never told me, I might just leave it like that."

"I don't know you very well. But I do know enough to understand this much, you wouldn't ever give up just because I said something was done, or not done. A good idea or a bad one." I sighed. "I'm trying to be fair to you."

"You've already gone back on your word," Nii-san said. "Either way, nothing is settled. I'm going to continue, and explore new options. It's not as if I didn't expect something like this to happen."

"I won't let you hurt Himeko," I said. "No matter what, that would make you my enemy."

"And if this didn't hurt her? There are other methods to use."

"I don't make any promises. Not to you. As you said, I might not be able to keep them."

"Intelligent of you." Nii-san stood, brushing off his white clothes. "Just remember this. I'm less nice than you are. You might well wish you'd let your gentle methods run their natural course before this is over."

"I'm not so nice I'd let you hurt the people I care about," I replied. "And one more thing, before you go."

"What?"

"Those clothes…" I narrowed my eyes. "They're always clean, never dirty, even though you never seem to wear anything else. Or rather, whatever you say, you can also look after yourself, or have someone to look after you."

"Some people care for me." Nii-san stepped past me. "But I don't care for anyone. Remember that."

"Everything, all of this began, because you cared for me," I said stubbornly, looking forwards. "I remember that, as well."

"That was a long time ago."


	30. Chapter 30

**Chains of Memory: Part 30**

Many apologies for the lateness. While it's true I'm busy it's also true I'm not busy enough to excuse myself... in any case, here I am now. I'm beginning to see the threads of the next arc, so hopefully the next update will be prompter.

I'll also note that this chapter conciously has more in common with martial arts flicks than actual dojo practise. But KnM has more in common with Gundam than with Susanoo myth, so... fair play?

* * *

I ate my breakfast quietly, lost in thought. Everything was so… difficult. All I could wish for right now was clarity, but my life was muddied by so many complications, my feelings and Himeko's, the past, the present, dozens of elements that stained brown as they touched. It makes me yearn for simpler days. At the least, I hadn't had one of those dreams last night. That should have been some kind of relief, but strangely enough I missed them. They'd been a tool, once I'd accepted their reality, another means at my disposal to attack the fog of uncertainty around me. But certainly, they're still unreliable… and they're not something I fully understand.

Otoha-san watched me with a diplomatic caution. She'd already reproached me last night, so now she was just worried again. In many ways, the worrying was worse. I smiled to reassure her.

No matter what, things could be worse than this. For many different reasons, I shouldn't brood now.

"The Wii has arrived," Otoha-san said, breaking the silence. "I will endeavour to set it up in time for your return."

"Thank you. I appreciate your effort. I can do that, if you like. I know you are busy."

"I know you are busier," Otoha-san said. "This is something I should do. You have many different things to worry about, don't you?"

"I suppose that's true," I admitted quietly. "I'm just barely on top of things. I may have to quit one of my clubs."

"If you think that's best, by all means do it," Otoha-san said. "It is better to quit one club and maintain the rest than to drive yourself to exhaustion. Your commitments at university can't be ignored, either."

"I know. But I'll manage, somehow." I blinked slowly, looking down at my grapefruit. "In this family, good enough is merely average. I have to be outstanding, and I've handled it before now."

"That's true, but you've never had an experience quite like this before now," Otoha-san said.

I glanced at her, trying to interpret her exact meaning. But we were interrupted by a phone ringing. Otoha-san hurried to my room, bringing back my phone after answering it. She held it out to me. "It's Masato-sama."

I nodded, taking it. "Good morning, Tou-sama."

"_Hi, Chikane. Sorry to bother you so early. Are you busy?"_

"I have a little time," I said. "Please go ahead."

_"We're finally back home. It's been a frantic few weeks. If you can, phone back later, we'd both like to speak to you."_

"I will be sure to do that. I hope you are both well."

_"We're fine. Your mother's been doing what she does best, and loving it, so her mood's good right now."_

"I'm glad to hear it," I said. "I know she works hard."

_"She says she's confident enough to take some time off and push the family matters. Knowing her, it'll last a week, but it's the closest thing she gets to a holiday. More importantly than that, how are you? We've been worried."_

"I'm okay," I said. "I'm sorry to worry you. I was in a bad way a few days ago, but the situation's resolved in a positive manner. I'm fine now."

_"I see. Well, you are that age, and these things happen. Don't be ashamed of that. I sometimes worry that in-between the Himemiya name and all the pressures and expectations, everyone loses sight of the fact that you're only eighteen. Speaking for me and Kazuho, we won't think less of you just because of a few relationship problems."_

"I know. I do appreciate that." I closed my eyes. "All the same, I'm being watched by less charitable people. I won't let something like this happen again."

_"Better to work out the kinks in romance now, rather than later, even if you're being watched. Bt I'm glad. Can you tell me anything about them?"_

"I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather not talk about it," I said cautiously. If mother heard, she'd surely order me to tell him everything. "I'm not confident, at least right now."

_"I see. That's also to be expected, of course… parents find out last on these occasions. Then just do your best, for my part as well. I'm glad to see you're growing up."_

I smiled thinly. "I don't think this feeling makes me think of myself as mature, I'm afraid. But thank you for your trust."

_"It's nothing. In any case, if you ever want advice, feel free to come to me. There's no need to talk about specifics, and sometimes talking is all the help you need. Even if you do feel restrained, you can say anything to me."_

"Thank you, but there's nothing…" I tailed off, frowning to myself. I really am lost right now, so what do I have to lose? "Actually, there is one thing, if it's alright."

_"Go ahead."_

I took a breath. "Well, there's a situation I'm in… if I was to put it into words, my feelings were discovered by that person before I had the confidence to express them, and I reacted badly and hurt them, too, quite badly. But, they hurt me a little too. And now we've more or less forgiven each other and we both said that we wanted to continue meeting each other, but I don't really understand what I should do. Intellectually speaking, it would be best if I just remained their friend, but that could be difficult for me right now. So-" I broke off, sighing. "I'm a little lost."

"_I see. That does sound difficult." _Father paused for a moment. _"How proactive are they in all this? Who initiated the forgiveness?"_

"They… do less than me, but more than nothing," I said cautiously. "I started by apologising, but my first instinct was to end it, and they were the ones to dissuade me from doing that. At the same time, they're not clearly for or against deepening our relationship."

_"Well, that's a good sign. Them reigning you in, I mean, though there are worse situations than ambiguity. In any case, one option is to play it cool and let them make the next move. That way, you'd be surer of their part in all this. But the alternative is different… what do you think they prefer from you? Are they more comfortable with you being proactive or reactive?"_

"Proactive, I think," I said cautiously, thinking about the answer myself. "That person is normally quite shy, though they're clearer with me and more proactive with me, I suppose… but I tend to initiate things, which is probably what they're more comfortable with."

_"Hmm. Again, a shy person reacting to you is a good sign. In any case, if that's their preference, you can play to it. Take the initiative and meet them again, entertain them as you see fit, and aim to make them happy. If you need to apologise for something, isn't that a better way than just moping? You're strong and confident, so I know you can do it. What you might call a frontal attack, if playing it cool is a feint."_

I smiled weakly. "That sounds a little difficult, even for me… or rather, wouldn't you call that a very manly way of going about things?"

_"Perhaps, but that's fine, isn't it? From the start, you and Kazuho do what's best, not what's 'female'. Especially for shy people, they'd be most comfortable when the other leads, and you want them to be comfortable."_

"That makes sense," I said, feeling almost surprised. I wish I could ask someone else about this. Otoha-san isn't comfortable with it… mostly because she knows who exactly is involved, I suppose.

_"And my guess is you'll be more comfortable like that, too. Playing it cool isn't 'easy', or rather, it's nerve-wracking. Knowing you like I do, my suspicion is you'd much rather be actively doing something. Once you're reclaimed your security, you can make the next move, whatever that might be."_

"I will. Thank you for your help." I smiled, playing with my hair slightly. "You're right, talking about it does make things a little easier."

_"Of course. In any case, I probably shouldn't keep you any longer."_

"Thank you for calling," I said. "I'll phone back in the evening. No, before that, one more thing." I frowned thoughtfully. "You manage to sound pretty authoritative, so… which of you was which, when you met?"

"_That, now that's a secret," _father said cheerfully. _"You can speculate, though."_

"I see. Thank you, but I'll manage." I closed my eyes. "Good-bye."

_"Bye."_ He rang off.

I closed my phone and put it aside, sighing and smiling. I'd forgotten, but while both my parents have aged well, he did it differently from my mother. Or rather, it feels like he hasn't matured at all since his early twenties, except for the moments when you notice exactly how mature he is. But it was probably mother, all the same. I can't imagine her ever being anything like a coy schoolgirl, or even a happily passive partner. Though father's also always been confident about their relationship…

I rubbed my forehead, then picked up my spoon again. That's not what I have to think about, anyway. If father's words have framed the debate taking place in my head, I still have to decide for myself.

"Ojou-sama, it's time," Otoha-san said quietly. "You should be going."

I nodded, abandoning the rest of my breakfast and standing. "Yes. I will be going, then."

"Have a good day." She watched me closely as I retrieved my things, put on my shoes, and left.

* * *

I sighed to myself, picking at my lunch and feeling rather lonely. Everyone around me was talking pretty loudly and happily to each other, but for the most part they ignored me and I ignored them. I didn't really know anyone here very well. And, of course, this is exactly why I normally make a bento and eat outside… when I haven't stayed up too late talking to Chikane-chan and then thinking about everything before finally dreaming that dream, and Mako-chan waking me late so I have to run for a lecture… I sighed again. My luck is fairly inconsistent, or is it just punishing me for Chikane-chan?

I hope I can see her again soon. She promised me that she'd call, but I'm not really sure what to say. How am I supposed to act around her from now on? I'd been almost bold last time. I flushed slightly at the memory. I wasn't sure if I could do that again, though… it was a little much, and I'm not very confident. I suppose I could just follow Chikane-chan's lead- but that would be lazy, and besides, with the way she was thinking and the things she was saying, that wouldn't work at all. I have to do something, take the initiative, act rather than react, for the first time in my life. And it would be really nice if I knew what exactly I wanted to do. What is our relationship? Neither friends nor lovers, but not just fellow Miko either, though all the same, can I separate the two? Is everything due to that, or is that due to everything else, or what?

I swallowed some noodles, looking down glumly. It's only an academic question, though. My feelings are whatever my feelings are, regardless of where they come from. Now, what they are… I probably do love Chikane-chan, or at least, I like the idea of loving her. But it's easy to say in your head, and so much harder to say out loud. And when I think about what living up to those words would mean, that's even harder, hiding our relationship would be tiring and worrying, being open about it would be tiring and stressful, and either way I'd be afraid. Chikane-chan's not sure, either, not secure, not about this. I should be able to be strong and reassure her, but the truth is I'm cowardly and weak. I just want to be with her, but I don't have the courage to be with her. I can't give back to her the courage she gives to me. It's one of my worst qualities, that fear.

"Why the long face?" Mako-chan asked, sitting down opposite me.

I smiled wanly at her, my expression faltering slightly as I noticed her new friends sitting down with her. So she wouldn't be able to talk to me much, after all. Maybe later. "I'm just a little tired. And the food isn't very good."

"What, really?" Mako-chan looked down at her plate, frowning thoughtfully. "It looks okay to me."

I shrug. "Maybe I'm just being fussy."

"To be fair, this place generally is pretty terrible," Teruko-chan said.

"It's cheap and it keeps us alive," Mako-chan said. "What more could a student ask for?"

"Something in that. How are your lectures going?"

"Okay," Mako-chan said. "I was almost late for one this morning, but I managed to squeak home. I don't do track for nothing, you know."

Teruko-chan laughed. "I see. Me, I wake up five minutes earlier and save myself the hassle, but whatever works for you."

"What? It keeps me fit," Mako-chan teased.

I drifted off again as they bantered. On some days, I like to just listen and enjoy other people talking around me. Today wasn't one of those days, and I really just wanted to be alone. My emotions were cresting and troughing like a roller coaster these last few days, and while I love being with Chikane-chan right now I just want to rest. And of course, I'd cheer up right away if she was to phone me, and if we met. I'm beginning to understand the sort of thing she's worried about… I played with my noodles, straining my recollection of her words. The idea that feeling this way might be dangerous, I can acknowledge that, but even then, I can't bear to even think of stopping just because of that. Is that because I'm compassionate or foolish? I really do want to stay with her, even so, and I can only think of one way to ensure that. The problem, again, is courage.

I looked up, frowning slightly. If it's something like this, shouldn't I at least try and change myself a little, rather than just reproach myself endlessly? So I watched them talk and tried to think of something to say. Teruko-chan was doing Physics, so we didn't really have much in common. They were already talking about work generally, so asking something similar would be strange. Maybe I could ask about what her lecturers are like, or something. But I don't really have any special reason to do that.

Though it's not like I have any other ideas.

I tensed as their conversation slackened, taking a breath. "Um, about your lecturers-"

I broke off as Teruko-chan turned and waved a greeting to another friend, without hearing me at all.

So I returned to the rather bad food, feeling thoroughly defeated. Changing yourself isn't easy, after all. I need people to follow around, it's the kind of person I am… when Mako-chan and Souma and Chikane can't look after me, I'm hopeless.

"So, how was your lecture? Did you actually make it on time?" Mako-chan asked, looking across the table at me.

And I gratefully replied. At least I do have them. It's something.

* * *

I sat and watched patiently as the others sparred, trying to focus on what was in front of me. If I couldn't take part due to my own stupidity, at least I could still try to learn something.

And in fact, I did manage to focus fairly well on what was happening. Kaihei-senpai and Narita-senpai were demonstrating techniques, which was always worthwhile to watch. So much so I didn't look round until people were audibly muttering and Yagami-sensei glared at us. And that snapped my concentration enough that I could hear the slow, deliberate footsteps on the wood.

"Found you."

My head snapped round so fast I almost twisted my neck. With effort, I tried to control my reaction, in case anyone was watching.

Tsubasa leered down at me, carrying a long, straight sword in a white sheath over his shoulder.

"What is your purpose here?" Kaihei-senpai asked coldly, walking towards him.

"I'm bored. How about a challenge?" Tsubasa offered, effortlessly switching his attention to the other one. "If I have to challenge everyone, that's fine. I've been bored recently."

"We have no interest in entertaining you. Please leave."

I looked down at the floor, trying to control my breathing. Of course, just because one problem has become a little less intractable, that doesn't mean the others have changed. And in this situation I'm caught between a desire not to acknowledge him and that aura of his, which is still so terrifying. I also remember the last time he carried that sword, very clearly.

"I see." Tsubasa smirked. "How are you going to do that, but by entertaining me? Call the police?"

Kaihei-senpai raised a hand calmly, a dozen more of our older members standing and calmly approaching.

I bit my lip, my hands gripping my knees tightly. No, that's not it. He's not just a thug, so this is playing into his hands-

I caught it because I was expecting it, but barely. The point of Tsubasa's sheath slammed into Kaihei's right wrist, making him drop his bokken. He had a moment to blink in surprise before Tsubasa's boot hit him in the chest, sending him sprawling backwards.

Tsubasa placed the point of his sword on the ground, leaning down to pick up the fallen bokken. And the others, enraged, began to charge.

"Wait!" I shouted, before I knew quite what I was saying. But what's done was done, so I snatched up my bokken and stood. "I know him. This is my problem… but if I beat you, that's all, isn't it?"

"You're always so quick to understand, which is rather refreshing, Chikane Himemiya." Tsubasa looped his sword into his sash, raising the bokken and leering at the others.

"As if we'd let that happen," Narita-senpai growled, raising his bokken in two hands.

"He hasn't earned the right to challenge those above me yet," I said. "Though he won't ever hold back in a fight, and sending just anyone against him would only get them hurt." I bowed. "Please, senpai. Let me fight this man."

"Not on that injury," Narita-senpai said. "And not this man. A cowardly attack like that won't be forgiven!"

"That's enough." Kaihei stood unsteadily, clutching his stomach. "What do you say, Yagami-sensei?"

The old man closed his eyes. "That's the Atsumoto Sword, isn't it, boy?"

Tsubasa glared at our teacher with the closest thing to actual irritation I'd even seen from him. "And if it is?"

"I will let this go ahead, on one condition. When you are defeated, give that sword to me." Yagami-sensei looked impassively at him. "Well?"

"Interesting!" Tsubasa said, his smirk returned. "I'll accept, then. Send as many of your lackeys against me as you like." He threw the sword down on the floor in front of Yagami-sensei. "I'll take it back from you in the end."

I frowned, not particularly understanding. "So, may I fight him first?"

"Can you do it?" Yagami-sensei asked, looking at me.

"I can." I keep my expression as neutral as possible. "At the expense of sounding arrogant, in our mutual past I defeated his sword with my dagger. Even with my injury, if I don't get hit there's no difficulty."

"Then that's fine." Yagami-sensei turned back to Tsubasa. "But don't misunderstand, boy. I'm not indulging you. All I want is for this sword to be taken from you."

"Anything is fine. Let's go." Tsubasa stepped forwards confidently into the middle of the room, turning to wait for me. "And calling that your win is being charitable to yourself, Himemiya. I was bored."

"Anything is fine. I still won." I walked forwards, only to be stopped when Kaihei-senpai pulled me aside. "Don't stop me."

"I know." Kaihei-senpai leaned in to my ear, lowering his voice. "It wasn't a cheap-shot. I was fully tense and ready, and I still couldn't follow his strike. I don't know what he was like before, but right now, he's strong. Don't get hurt."

"I know," I echoed, nodding distantly and stepping past him.

"It's nostalgic," Tsubasa remarked, taking a rather unorthodox one-handed stance. "Facing you like this."

I raised my own bokken. "I still don't have anything to say to you." My eyes focused on his weapon, my heart thumping. I can feel at again, his presence, something only exceeded in my dreams. My deep antagonism towards him, the heady threat he represents, I understand that more now. I also know that this isn't child's play, and it won't be a fair fight. I could be seriously injured if I slip up even for an instant, nor will I have the privilege of holding back. He knows that, too, and out of everyone in the room only we understand the true stakes, and the true meaning, of this fight.

But like a bully, he only targets the weak. If I can just beat him now that will be the end of this.

One moment he was simply standing there, the next he was charging straight at me, bokken cracking out towards my forehead. I brought up my own weapon, barely deflecting it in time. A dull thunk rang out as our weapons clashed. He sidestepped and struck again, hard, weakening my stance. Another blow crashed down and I reeled back, mind scrambled. He's insane. I'm looking straight into his crimson eyes, and I see no malice or cruelty. Simply, blankly, as serenely as an angel, he's driving me back with thunderous, blistering strikes. And smiling, not out of hate of me, probably not even the love of the fight… it's a world, the world, he's attacking in his eyes.

But it's also not merely this fight that I see in my eyes.

His sword arced towards me again and this time I saw it, my whole body moving as I struck, clashing past his bokken and driving the point of my own towards his shoulder. Somehow he managed to stop and sway back, but I followed it up with a second attack. He stepped promptly back, regaining space, and I fell on him, forcing him back to the centre before he finally regained his composure. We traded blows rapidly, pressing against each other until we barely had room to swing our weapons. I jabbed the point of my blade towards his neck, he swayed away and slashed horizontally, I ducked underneath, my bokken scraping against the ground, and struck with my right palm before he could step back. I hit him on the left part of his chest, shoving him backwards.

It took several seconds of panting before I realised why neither of us was moving, and that I'd somehow won an exchange. Whatever the rules were, in our minds, it would be that.

Tsubasa looked nonplussed for a moment, then smiled. He stepped back and took a conventional two-handed stance.

I stepped back, tightening my own stance. If he'd had that much power with a one-and-a-half-handed technique, there was no way I'd be able to keep up with his strength now. But I could go further, too. I just needed to sharpen my reactions.

And this time, I'll go on the attack.

I charged forwards, sliding elegantly into a forward stroke. He met it with his own strike, our swords clashing violently. The impact shook both my arms, ruining my recovery. Once again, he took the offensive and I desperately tried to keep up with the exchange, but my timing was ruined. His tempo and the feedback from his blows, both are subtly different now, enough to throw me off. Within thirty seconds he'd cornered me, but I managed to rally, doggedly standing my ground as my eyes adjusted to the change. I can still do this. My body can somehow keep up with him. No, more than that. I can win this!

And in that momentary lapse of focus he struck, driving my bokken down with his own and twisting his grip, driving the blunt edge into my stomach.

I watched him carefully as he retreated, panting for breath and raggedly reforming my stance. So be it. But I'd adjusted myself now, and his breathing is also rapid. I just have to-

"Enough. The novelty wears thin." Tsubasa dropped his bokken idly, turned, and walked away.

I stared at him, thrown before recovering my poise and lowering my bokken. So before, so again… he always has such a lofty way of ending things. Or rather, he doesn't ever let anything come to a conclusion. Is that whimsy or cowardice? I'm not sure.

"That was… amazing," Narita-senpai said, approaching at the head of the others. "I had reservations, but you were incredible out there."

"Thank you," I said absently, watching Tsubasa's retreating back before it was obscured by the others. "You do me too much credit."

"No way! You were awesome!" one of the younger members said enthusiastically. "Even if you lost the second, the standard was too high! I didn't know you could fight like that!"

They crowded around, praising me, which felt fairly dissonant with the fact it was a draw. "Thank you. I just did what others could have done, though." Of course, it wasn't as if I hadn't been afraid, but I was still… dissatisfied. At this ending. I was unhappy with achieving my objective.

"I always knew you had potential, but we've never seen anything like this before," Narita-senpai said. "Seriously, Himemiya, that was national standard."

That didn't even make sense, though. But this unfinished feeling, I couldn't accept it. I wanted to end it. No, if I'm honest, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed fighting him.

"So was that guy," Kaihei-senpai said. "As a man, as well. Who is he, Himemiya?"

"Someone I sparred with in the past," I said quietly. "He was always very strong, and he hasn't changed in that respect. This is all he does."

"He's a pro? So you stand on the same ground as a male pro?" Narita-senpai stared at me. "You're really something else. I knew that, but this much-"

"She's a genius, of course," someone else said. "It's to be expected."

"I have been practising since I was a child," I said, "though your flattery is appreciated." No, what I enjoyed most was the feeling that my potential hadn't been fully reached, even during that fight. It's not an ordinary matter of growth, but while I was fighting him, my tension and clarity was blazing, scathing, fascinating.

"Not full-time, though." Narita-senpai smirked, folding his arms. "People like that really do exist, huh?"

That's not it. This isn't genius. I looked down at my bokken. Ame No Murakumo's Miko, the servant of the sword god… this is a homecoming, isn't it?

My fingers closed around the grip, and I scowled in agitation. I didn't want everything to begin and end with that destiny.

"Hey, where's sensei?" someone asked suddenly.

There was a growing murmur as everyone looked for him. I wasn't really paying attention, though; I was still busy probing my own reactions, and Tsubasa's intentions. Was this what he wanted me to feel, a lust for a different path in life? Or to make me realise how everything hinges on my past as the Lunar Miko? Or… perhaps I'm over-analysing, and he just wanted to waste some time? He's not someone it's safe to ascribe logic to without careful thought.

"What's all the agitation about?" Yagami-sensei demanded tersely, re-entering. "If you have time to talk, you have time to train! You, too, Himemiya. If you can defend our honour you can certainly practise kata. Move!"

"Yes, sensei!" I said hurriedly, snapping back to the present. We scrambled back to our places.

"Alright, party's over," Narita-senpai said, walking down the row. "Tighten up those stances and get to work."

Yagami-sensei nodded sternly, sitting again and watching.

"Can you tell me something, sensei?" Kaihei-senpai said, approaching him.

I blinked in surprise at this breach of routine, before remembering to carry on with my kata. Nonetheless, our collective attention was fractured yet again.

"What is it?" Yagami-sensei said slowly.

"What were you talking about earlier? The Atsumoto Sword?"

"Are you that young? Have you forgotten?" Yagami-sensei closed his eyes. "I'm disappointed."

"Atsumoto…" Narita-senpai frowned. "As in the Atsumoto Dojo? The unsolved murders- no way…"

"Don't jump to hasty conclusions." Yagami-sensei glared at us. "I know just two things. That sword was the Atsumoto Sword. And the stance that man used was in essence the true Atsumoto form. Insofar as the dojo exists, it can be entrusted to him, so I have no reason to take the sword."

"But this is a murder case we're talking about!" Narita-senpai said. "What if he did it?"

"I'll take care of that. For your part, practise kenjutsu!" Yagami-sensei folded his arms. "Social consciousness is fine, but talking to the police should be left to the person old enough to remember the incident at all."

"I understand," Narita-senpai said "I'm sorry for being forwards."

"Thank you." Kaihei-senpai turned away, his eyes seeking me out. "Himemiya-kun, come and talk to me when your head is healed. I have something to discuss."

"I understand," I said slowly. Somehow, I suspect that won't concern a confession. Whether his motives are benevolent or self-interested, everyone has seen the skill I had been hiding from them for this reason, and on top of that, talent I didn't even know I had. Was that Tsubasa's motive, instead? If there's one thing more dangerous than underestimating his whimsy, it would be underestimating his intellect…

But I've learned something, too. The Atsumoto Dojo, then. If he's so kind as to open the second act, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge him. I'll go all out.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chains of Memory: Part 31**

And the Nun costume joins the bonfire of abandoned Orochi outfits. Honestly, where did they get this stuff from, a fetish shop? Tsubasa can just about pull off his clothes, but it's a near-run thing. Sadly, it's symbolic of the Orochi generally. It wouldn't be _too _hard to make them convincing villains as well as comic relief, right? Right?

* * *

I was waiting outside the gates for Mako-chan. Maybe I'd talk to her. She's more involved in things herself than I'd like, and I've hurt her more than I should have done, but even so… I trust her, and I do need advice. It might be for the best.

It's better than the alternatives, anyway. Simply brooding hasn't achieved anything.

"I've found you."

I jumped slightly, looking around for the childish voice.

A girl of around 13 or 14 stared at me with blue eyes, her head part concealed by a hood. She clung to the arm of a tall, dark-skinned woman dressed in a white blouse and a long black coat. Gold eyes glittered as the woman smiled pleasantly. "I'm sorry, I've been looking for you. Could we talk to you for a moment?"

I looked between them, feeling an increasingly familiar lurch. It wasn't the same sense of presence Tsubasa had, but it was there. And when I think of Reiko's manga, it's reminiscent-

"Of course, we are members of the Orochi." The woman blinked slowly, smiling at me. Though that's all in the past."

"What do you want?" I said, turning to face her and frowning as defiantly as I could manage. My thumping heart notwithstanding… "If its about not seeing Chikane-chan, there's no way I'd do something like that."

"No, not at all. Quite the opposite, in fact." The woman frowned slightly, looking at me. "I know this is not going to be either welcome or convincing, but the truth is we need your help."

I blinked. "My… help?"

"To me, everything between us really is all in the past," the woman said. "We have our own lives now, and we get by as best we can, no different from anyone else. But Tsubasa-sama is obstinate. Of course, it's not in my nature to challenge Tsubasa-sama's will, but this case is different."

"Why are you so deferent to him?" I asked. "Everything I know of him, which isn't much, suggests he's an evil person. If you're so fond of someone like that, I can't see how I could help you at all."

"And all I know of Chikane Himemiya is that she killed my comrades and crushed my throat," the woman shot back. "If we're to leave this all behind, we'll have to put those things aside and go our separate ways, once this is over and done with. Of course, I'd understand if you hated us too much for that."

"No, it's okay," I said automatically, before checking myself. Think about this. "Or rather, I'm willing to at least hear you out," I said cautiously. "I won't make any promises before then."

"That's more than I could ask for. God smiles on charity, though, or so it is said." The woman smiled at me. "I had heard you were a kind person. In any case, please call me Sister Miyako."

I blinked. "Sister?"

"I am in God's service, though latterly I have supplementary vocations. This country has remarkably few nunneries, and I have a brother to look after." Sister Miyako gave me another bright look, putting her hand on the teenage girl's head. "And this is Nekoko, as we so literally named her. Second and Sixth."

"Himeko Kurusugawa," I said cautiously. "Though you already know that, right?"

"Indeed. Shall we move somewhere more convenient?" Miyako said. "It's difficult to speak freely in public."

"Away from here," I said. "Though still in public. I don't really trust you, after all."

"Hm. Himemiya must be rubbing off on you. I'm impressed." Miyako smiled sweetly. "Though I'm just one woman, now. There's no need to fear."

"I see." I pulled out my phone, writing a quick text to Mako-chan. To be honest, I didn't believe that. It seemed unlikely that Orochi would pick anyone who wasn't dangerous in some way.

"So, a walk, then." Miyako watched me approach, turning and walking alongside me. "How are you getting on in normal life? I imagine you have little time for university, all things considered."

"I'm doing fine," I said neutrally. "And you? What are you doing right now?"

"Something secretarial, for the most part," Miyako said. "Life goes on, in spite of my best efforts." She smirked at my stony expression. "That was a joke."

"I know." I looked around cautiously; making sure no one I knew was around. I really didn't need any strange rumours.

"She's different from before, isn't she?" Nekoko said, looking sidelong at me from the other side of Miyako. "Wasn't she the one who hid behind the Seventh?"

"As well she did, considering the circumstances," Miyako said, touching her shoulder reproachfully. "Since Ame No Murakumo's power was very unreliable in all them."

"Well, sorry for that," I said sourly.

"Of course not. I'm not blaming you at all. You were a victim of difficult circumstances, and at the time I didn't understand." Miyako closed her eyes, frowning slightly. "The exact nature of the contract, it's no wonder you two would become ragged, reincarnating again and again. It's something I didn't question enough in my last life."

"You attempted to destroy the world," I said. "I'm not sure if you're really someone with too much empathy for me."

"That was different. I'm not making excuses for my past self, but I will say this much. The view is different from above." Miyako smiled wanly, looking down at the floor. "Now I'm remembering myself, here amongst everyone else."

"How much do you know about it?" I asked, ignoring that. "Ame No Murakumo and everything."

"Only what Tsubasa-sama has deduced, and only his speculations beyond that point. Truly, we did not understand even under Orochi's aegis." Miyako glanced at me. "For example, the late manifestation of your powers. Considering the improbability of the Seventh's actions, it's probably impossible that your past selves were so vulnerable for so long. That suggests that rather than a binding destiny, the cycle is dynamic. We simply need to find the variable."

"I see. Even so, if you've lost interest in the past, it's irrelevant, isn't it?" I said. In the meantime, I filed all that away. From the moment I realised what Chikane-chan did in our past lives, I lost the ability to look away from all of this.

"Of course. It's an intellectual riddle, to me. Like all failures, one is left with the might-have-been. Though with retrospect, failing wasn't so bad." Miyako looked around carefully, almost absently, as she talked. She was exceptionally observant. "I'm beginning to remember that, and wonder what I was thinking at that time."

"I see." I frowned at her. "So, what was it in particular you wanted?"

"Quite. What was I going to say?" Miyako mused. Her golden eyes flickered towards me before looking away again. "Ah, yes. I need your help. The truth is that I'm through with this, as more than a pastime. Such as our lives are, I'd like to build them and move on."

"Then go ahead," I said. "You don't need me for that."

"But I do. Since the problem is Tsubasa-sama." Miyako stopped by a bench. "Shall we sit down?"

"Let's keep walking for now," I said, looking around myself. Reiko and Corona weren't anywhere I can see. Truthfully, they were conspicuous enough. But I couldn't remember all the Orochi.

"As you wish." Miyako started to walk again, attracting the occasional odd stare as she went. "I suspect your whole attitude changes around us, though? It's quite a reminder of everything I've done."

"Tsubasa-sama," I prompted. "I mean, Tsubasa."

"She's afraid, isn't she?" Nekoko said suddenly. She ducked back when I shot her glare, hiding behind Miyako again. "Scary too, nyan."

"Tsubasa has great difficulties in giving up on our past. Normally, he is whimsical, but this is different. For my part, I can't afford to wait for his attention span to snap. The longer he is frustrated, the more likely it is he does something bad for us and bad for you. So working together is valuable enough."

"That's not your business, is it?" I said, ignoring the threat. "You can just go and do whatever you are doing and forget about all of us."

"Were it so simple. Why does anyone give any regard for others in this world?" Miyako shrugged. "Though it's hypocritical of me to say that, I know. But while Reiko and Corona can look after themselves, I think they need to be watched. They don't have parent figures they can go back to, not in a normal way. My brother needs me, and Nekoko is just a child. I can't simply turn away from them, nor can I abandon Tsubasa-sama. I would look after him, if he would let himself be looked after."

"You love him?" I asked, feeling a little incredulous. "A maniac like that?"

"He's not a maniac. It's just that the world Tsubasa-sama sees is different from the world more normal people see." Miyako ran a hand through her hair, looking off into the distance. "As for my intentions, they don't need words. I admire Tsubasa-sama, and what he represented made me something more than nothing. In a way, he gave that to all of us. He was proof that the broken could stand unabashed."

"I see," I said dubiously. Frankly, the standing unabashed thing was probably the problem. "Even so, he's… I don't want anything to do with him. He has that aura. I still don't know why you do, either. Aren't you scared of him?"

"That's a comment that could be flipped exactly," Miyako said. "After what she did to you, aren't you scared of her?"

"Chikane-chan is completely different from him!" I said indignantly.

"Do you think so?" Miyako said curiously. "I think the differences are less than either of them would like to think. After all, she killed us all quite ruthlessly, and that was the nicer part of her story."

"She had a reason," I said hollowly. Why do all the Orochi say that? Reiko, too. Two of a kind, how could that be true? "Since it was Ame No Murakumo's sacrifice, she had to make me hate her…"

"Do you really believe that? Well, though it has nothing to do with me," Miyako said. "But even if that's true, is it a plan a well-balanced human could execute?"

"She was being hunted by you and was desperate and alone, so how could she be well-balanced at that time?" I demanded. "And Orochi was manipulating her too."

"Orochi did no so such thing. We reminded her of her reality, and we were waiting there, an alternative all along. That's all. She joined us of her own will, and did everything attendant to that herself. I'm not judging, but she is a person who could do such things without hesitation or doubt." Miyako smiled sweetly. "Don't you think that's similar to Tsubasa-sama's beautiful sense of purpose?"

"It's different," I said, glaring. "She was doing it to protect the world, and even to protect me. He's a nihilist who was fighting to destroy the world."

"He was a nihilist, but the world he saw was full of meaninglessness and suffering, a world-" Miyako broke off as we passed someone, waiting until we were clear again. "A world it was kind to conclude. The thought process is similar."

"I don't even know where to start saying how wrong that is," I said, glowering at her.

Miyako laughed. "Oh, I know. That's the difference between us. But if you have some spare time, give it a thought. It's very easy to defend a world that smiles on you. It's harder to defend a world that has in every since degraded and defiled you."

I stopped by the crosswalk, holding my pendant and looking up at her. "It's not as if I haven't experienced bad things, either. Having come through the good and the bad, I don't have any regrets… and I certainly never had the right to take everyone's life away."

"I've experienced the bad, and the worse. At that point, right is a meaningless word. No one has the right to trample us, but they do. Only in hell can you realise its God's intention for everyone to do as they will. After all, if he willed it differently, it would be different."

"And forgiveness?" I asked, beginning to cross the road.

"Forgiveness is necessary, of course. Everything can be forgiven, if you have faith." Miyako smiled. "That's rather my point. And I forgive those who have wronged me, and wrong them… faith is a freedom from the shackles of the world."

"That's insane," I muttered.

"Well, not everyone can understand." Miyako smirked, placing a single finger on the bridge of her nose and looking sidelong at me. "You can, though. For forgiving Himemiya now, after taking her life last time."

"I don't know anything about that!"

"Well, we're still here, aren't we?" Miyako said expansively, stepping onto the pavement and turning dynamically. She raised her hands. "Or are you telling me she killed you, instead?"

"We had no choice," I said weakly. "It's nothing like you, either."

"I had no choice… is said many times. It's always a dangerous phrase, don't you think?" Miyako cocked her head. "Though you aspire to innocence, the reality is your hands are stained, too. Don't worry, though. God forgives, if you ask."

"I don't get it," Nekoko said suddenly. She crouched on the floor, looking between us.

"Don't you remember me explaining?" Miyako said. "About God?"

"The Eighth killed me, so that counts as something she did to me," Nekoko mused, tapping her toes with her fingers. "And I think she killed the others, though I wasn't paying much attention… but what did she do to the silly blonde girl? I can't remember. You were never on a gate at all."

"The Eighth did something very bad to her," Miyako said. "Under the circumstances, something worse than her killing us all."

"Really? But what she did to me was really bad." Nekoko pouted. "What is it?"

"I'll tell you when you're older."

"That's cruel." Nekoko uncoiled, springing up to her full, diminutive stature. "I'm a big girl! Tell me now!"

"When you're older," Miyako said. "You have to wait for some things, okay?"

"No, no!" Nekoko grabbed her arm, pulling it. "Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"I'll tell you."

Nekoko stopped, looking up at her in something approaching disbelief. "You will?"

"I promise." Miyako smiled. "In a few years."

"That's cheating!" Nekoko folded her arms, pouting. "I'll get the big brute to tell me."

"Now, if he did that, I'd have to punish him," Miyako said, smiling. "And that wouldn't be nice, now would it?"

Nekoko winced, shutting up instantly and hiding behind her again.

I ran a hand through my hair, breathing out hard and trying to keep my mind clear. The mother-child game, but it feels subtly warped, and everything she's saying is exactly the same. Twisted values, distorted virtues, an earnest and intelligent conversation that is somehow totally debased. I need to get this conversation over and done with before the skew spreads. It feels like it would be possible if you just stood around her for long enough. An insidious sensation, completely unlike Tsubasa.

I shouldn't ever forget, she's as frightening as he is, in her own way. No, perhaps if I think about it, Miyako is more frightening.

"In any case, I've wandered off the matter in hand," Miyako said. "I apologise for that. It's a bad habit of mine, since I have very few chances to articulate my opinions able and half-willing to listen. I'd love to have a conversation with Chikane Himemiya at some point, as well."

"Don't go near her," I said raggedly.

"Don't worry, it would just be to talk." Miyako spread her hands again. "Or you afraid she'd lack the commendably rigid conventional morality you've had written into you, and actually consider the significance of my words?"

"There are things she shouldn't have to remember." I glared defiantly at her. "And I'm sure you also feel that way, don't you?"

"I'm interested. I think I could manage." Miyako smiled, turning her head away. "Don't worry, I'm just teasing you again. How about this bench? Will that pass?"

I looked around cautiously, making sure there wasn't anyone suspicious around. In fact, I didn't really know where I was. Hopefully I'd be able to find my way back. "Fine. If you insist."

Miyako sat on the bench, seating a still-reticent Nekoko on her lap and smiling at me. "I hope you'll make yourself comfortable, too. We might as we put the weight off our feet as we talk of heavy things."

"I don't want to be comfortable with something like this," I said, standing and glaring down at her.

"As you wish." Miyako pushed a strand of her violet hair over her shoulder, sighing. "So, where was I… I need your help to make Tsubasa-sama abandon his fixation with you. I'll take everything from there. Further, can I assume you don't intend to part from Himemiya?"

"Of course," I said defiantly.

Miyako put her head on Nekoko's shoulder, glancing up at me. "I thought so. Out of curiosity, would you be so resolute if I was for that? You do hate us, after all."

"I wouldn't change. It's… just a given. Because I care about Chikane-chan," I said simply.

"You're no wiser than I am. How infuriating." Miyako frowned when Nekoko prodded her in the arm. "Another tangent. In any case, what I need you to do specifically is to approach Souma Ogami."

I frowned. "What does Souma have to do with this?"

"Don't you know?" Miyako smirked. "That's very interesting."

"They're brothers. Reiko told me, once. She said it was…" Nekoko make a face, speaking very slowly. "Boy's Love."

I stared, confused by the news and the means of expression. I tried to say something, gave up, and looked blankly at Miyako instead.

"That's the essence, without the homoerotic subtext. That's Reiko being Reiko. I do wish she wouldn't mention such things to Nekoko-chan." Miyako shrugged. "They are brothers, and the other brother is… not. Not really. They had to part when they were young, and you could certainly say that Souma owes Tsubasa-sama his life. Tsubasa-sama descended into hell, all to protect Souma. The boy doesn't know proper gratitude."

"But… they don't look anything like each other," I said, saying the first thing that came to mind.

"I wouldn't know anything about that. Tsubasa-sama says very little, but I've done my own research. The mutual father was neither an honest nor a pleasant individual." Miyako glanced at me. "Make of that what you will."

"Maybe he stole them," Nekoko said abruptly. "Since stealing is _bad_, or something silly."

"It's possible," Miyako said lightly. "But did he really not say anything, Souma Ogami? That's very interesting. I'm sure he knows."

"I'm still not sure whether to believe you." I closed my eyes, and almost as soon as I did, images came flooding to me. _I'm watching anxiously and alone as Souma fights the strongest person_… "Okay, I believe you," I said, opening my eyes and feeling slightly spooked. I can deal with these dreams at night, but I don't want them to become day.

"Quite. The only person Tsubasa-sama cares about in this world is Souma Ogami," Miyako said. "I may not like that, but I am realistic. Certainly, Souma would never talk to me if I approached him myself, so that's why I need you. Please, persuade him to abandon his hesitations and do whatever it takes to stop Tsubasa-sama. Even if it means breaking one or two bones." Miyako smiled at my expression. "That was-"

"A joke," I finished for her.

"Indeed." Miyako leaned forwards slightly, looking up at me. "So, will you help me? As you can imagine, it would benefit you as well."

"I will consider it," I said. "But if I do it, it wouldn't be for you. I'm sure this is what Ogami-kun wants, as well."

"Do you think?" Miyako smirked. "You should be careful about him, though. After all, he was working with us until just recently. Or could you say he only stopped because he was guilty?"

I scowled. "What are you talking about?"

"It's exactly as I said. He collaborated with Tsubasa-sama to conspire against you and Chikane. I believe he said he didn't want to entrust you to Chikane Himemiya after what had happened." Miyako's golden eyes looked amused. "So that's why he told you such a thing, of course. From the start, he was against the two of you."

"You're lying," I said automatically. "Souma would never do something like that. He hated you all."

"He still does. He just hates Chikane Himemiya more." Miyako turned her head. "Feel free to ask him. But it's not really my business, after all."

"Don't come near me again," I said, keeping my voice as steady as possible. But my mind was reeling from too many things to think.

"Of course not. You have my word. But if you ever want to talk to me, ask Souma. He knows where you should go."

"That won't happen."

"I don't get something," Nekoko said abruptly as I turned away.

"What?" Miyako asked kindly.

"If they had different mums, why would the other one leave the son with a bad man like him?" Nekoko sounded puzzlement. "Maybe if they were a prostitute or something. No, but then they kill the baby-"

"I'll tell you when you're older."

I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath and trying to keep a blank mind throughout the walk back. It wasn't very successful.

* * *

"Do you want any tea, Ojou-sama?"

"Yes, please," I said absently. I sighed, staring at the computer screen. Facts had been annoyingly sparse. Oh, it had received some media attention, but nothing spectacular. A fire destroyed an ancient family dojo and killed several people. A fairly run of the mill story distinguished only by one simple fact, the eyewitness account of a pupil who said he'd seen the head's body when trying to escape the fire, a corpse splattered with blood from multiple grievous wounds. The media called it murder. After a while, the police called it a probable accident, possible arson. Either way, they didn't put much credence on the testimony of one young man running from a fire. And that was that.

No mention of a sword.

I sighed, staring at the screen. It didn't make much sense. Even for Tsubasa, that was pretty gratuitous. And it had occurred six years ago. Even for Tsubasa, that was pretty precocious.

Or am I mistaken to think of him in anything like human terms? But despite all those impulses, I have an itch, a nagging feeling, that nothing he does could ever be _truly _random. He is far more dangerous than that. Or am I just strangely idolising him, since I feel such a personal hatred for him? I'm not sure.

After a few moments, I decided to take another approach, and searched for adverts for the dojo while it was still intact. Nothing useful, though. I suppose it was too long ago, and they were too traditionalist, for there to be anything like that. And martial arts forms had nothing but old and useless speculation.

"Your tea, Ojou-sama." Otoha-san put it down in front of me, bowed slightly, and retreated.

"Thank you very much." I sipped it, working out what to do next. I could phone my old teacher, and see if he knew anything… but I wouldn't really have a good explanation for doing so. He knows well I'm not the type of person who has arbitrary curiosity. Maybe I could say it was for a project. No, I doubt that, as well. I could ask Souma, too, but I'm even more loath to do that. And he wouldn't know anything anyway.

I blinked as an idea struck me. I could search for their tournament records. Apparently they'd done such things. It wasn't much, but it was something. I carefully put my tea aside and formulated a search.

And that was perfect. Six years ago, a nationals performance. They came fifth, but it was still notable. A child prodigy, who the Atsumoto claimed had been practising for only two years, tipped to be a future great. His brutally efficient style had dominated opponents many times his nominal experience in the lower rounds.

And in the photo it was Tsubasa's face that was there, dressed in traditional robes and holding a bokken. He was young, his body taut but somehow lanky, as if he hadn't quite grown into himself. And his face, too, lacked the hard edges he has now. But the eyes… the eyes hadn't changed. There was no smile, but all the same he looked straight at the camera with a profound blankness, as if taking the viewer apart in his head.

I smiled, feeling somewhat satisfied. I didn't fully understand, but it was there. A definitive link between Tsubasa and the Atsumoto dojo. It was a starting point. And it also gave me something to challenge him with, if we ever crossed paths again. We could talk about his past for a change, and I'm sure I'd enjoy it.

His record was almost disappointing, though. I'd half-expected him to brutalise his opponents but while he never held back he didn't do anything worthy of penalties, either. And he hadn't been heard of prior to the first tournament he attended, and wasn't heard of after that, either. As far as the martial arts world was concerned, he disappeared with his dojo. I'm sure that insofar as anyone remembered or cared, he had died in that fire.

I wonder whether anyone did remember? Did anyone care? Did he talk to anyone at the dojo; did he have friends at all, other teens? Or was he so talented he was distant from them, admired but not really liked, undercutting their hard work with giftedness, alone somewhere where normal people never stand?

I shook my head, minimising the tab. Projection is a dangerous thing. I shouldn't look for myself in this man, or any redeeming feature whatsoever, since I will find neither. It's not as if I'm looking at all this out of human curiosity. I just want a weapon, the proverbial Sword of Damocles to hang over him. And an explanation for that damn sword, which still eludes me.

As I'd expected, though, there wasn't much more to learn about him just from this. But when I checked the names of other teens from his Dojo at the time in future tournaments, I did find one who had fought regularly up until last year at least with another Tokyo Dojo. I noted down the address on a sheet of paper, tearing it off and folding the scrap into my pocket. If I had any spare time, I could visit. Unlike Tsubasa, I wouldn't challenge them, though.

So, that was one of two research projects advanced for now. I drank more of my tea, staring at the screen and forestalling the moment when I'd tackle the harder task I'd abandoned earlier, in favour of this. The parameters were, if anything, even more difficult than playing Where's Tsubasa.

To entertain Himeko and make her very happy, preferably with no one else around, in such a way that one could call it something between friends with a squint and some good-will but equally not something that could never be construed as a date, with a general if ambiguous message that while I didn't consider it appropriate to make a move now after everything, I would be… receptive to a suggestion of hers, without ever actually saying that fact out loud. That would be making a move, somehow. I flushed slightly, remembering the feel of her hand holding mine. She was warm. And what was that? Was she telling me to go ahead, or was it to comfort me? For once, my prided perception is failing me, and I don't really know what's going on.

Hopefully things will even out if I see her enough. Or something.

I pulled up the tabs on possible dating spots, feeling nonplussed. I already had a list of fifteen possible destinations and I suspected the list would only get larger, rather than smaller. There was a lot of… tension, in the possible destinations. Half of my inclination was to bring her into the world I knew best, an obnoxiously expensive meal and perhaps one of the more accessible plays to follow, something where I could show off my confidence and grace. But that was rather selfish, and she might not feel comfortable with something like that. Wasn't it… tacky? But I do like expensive restaurants and plays, at least in good company. Mother took me, every once in a while.

That wasn't father's advice, though. Something ordinary and highly enjoyable for her, or rather just ordinary enough for her that she's comfortable about it while being just exotic enough to excite her. Possibly something cheap enough that I won't have to lie through my teeth if she insists on going Dutch. But not all such situations are ones where my own comfort is maximised, and while I want her to enjoy the activity, if at all possible I want her to enjoy being with me even more…

I sighed. I was developing a newfound respect for this 'romance' I'd had so little time for in my younger years. Simply thinking about it raises a seemingly exponential stack of considerations with no end in sight. And I had no experience, no map to guide me. Perhaps the brief, somewhat pointless relationships teenagers at my school had weren't so pointless after all, at least for this. Though calling myself an adult now was altogether too arrogant.

What would father do? No, that doesn't help at all. There should be someone I could ask. Maybe Otoha-san.

On second thoughts, perhaps not.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chains of Memory: Part 32**

I've always thought Miyako could have been better used, more than most of of the other Orochi, all of whom suffered. Conflating her role with Otoha or even putting her alongside Otoha would allow for a devil in plain sight, the better to play with people. Because otherwise, it's hard to forget she was the first to lose to Souma and got shown up by a half-naked Chikane using a bow...

* * *

I sat on my bed and stared at the wall opposite, legs swinging idly. I sighed slightly as my thoughts trickled through the sieve of my head, most of them gloomy. If this is a fairy tale, it's a dark one, since when I compare my situation before to my situation now, things have become both brighter and darker. Brighter, in that Chikane-chan is there. But also darker, the product of successive betrayals. Whether or not it's their fault… everything the old Orochi say corrodes something I believed in.

It took me a moment to notice that Mako-chan was waving her hand in front of my face. I turned my head slightly, looking up at her. "Yes?"

"You're being gloomy again. What's wrong this time?"

"It's nothing," I said automatically, trying to smile reassuringly.

Mako-chan sighed. "It's never nothing any more. Though if you don't want to talk to me, I'd understand that."

"It's nothing like that," I began tiredly. "It's just… I'm not really sure what's wrong myself, so I can't express it very well."

Lying to Mako-chan. When did I start doing that? I'm not sure. Am I growing up and learning to stand alone in dealing with my problems, or… am I just burdening her without trusting her?

"Well, if you have anything to say, anything at all, I'll listen. Just like every other time." Mako-chan sat down next to me, putting her hands on the bed on either side of her legs. "Do you remember when you rejected Souma? And you told me?"

"I remember," I said, with a ghost of a smile. "You always did tease me."

"Aren't you glad some things haven't changed?" Mako-chan looked at me. "So, have you heard from Himemiya… Chikane? From Chikane."

"Not yet. I'm sure she's busy." My hands gripped my knees lightly as I stared off into space. "I know she's always busy, after all. I hope I'm not distracting her from something important."

"Do you really hope that?" Mako-chan prodded, following my gaze and falling silent when I didn't reply. "Probably not, right?"

"I'm… not sure. I want her to care about me but I also care about her, so I don't want her to be burdened by me in any way. And there's also the fact that I'm almost sure that for her, being a Himemiya would have to come before me, so it's also selfish… I want her to be able to see me without problems, or she wouldn't see me at all." I smiled wanly. "So I'm not sure if I'm being selfish or not."

"Either way's fine, right?" Mako-chan put her arm round my shoulders, smirking at me. "Silly girl. She wants to see you, you want to see her… it's strangely perfect, isn't it? This getting-along-with-people thing you're so good at."

"Mm." I nodded, looking down. "Maybe I should call her. I used to do that more than I do now."

"If you like. Does it really worry you?"

I gave her a puzzled look. "Shouldn't it?"

"Whatever you're doing, it works, right?" Mako-chan released me, looking me in the eyes. "You should be a little more confidant in yourself."

I clutched my shell pendant, shrugging. "You're right, of course," I said, smiling again. I just wanted to stop her from worrying.

"You've always been that way," Mako-chan said ambiguously. She looked away for a moment, then glanced back at me. "Are you two… you know…"

"I'm not sure," I said, looking down at the floor. "It's complicated."

"Right. I'm sure." Mako-chan paused then spoke again, with the manner of someone prodding a sore tooth. "So the whole thing with Souma was, uh-"

"I'm not gay, or at least, I'm not just gay. Like I said, it's complicated." I sighed. "My reason for that hasn't changed at all, he wasn't the person I was waiting for."

"Right. But Chikane?"

"I told you, I don't know," I said sharply, before controlling myself and relaxing slightly. I concentrated on my feet, speaking softly. "Chikane is… someone I admire, but she's also very human. It's fun to be around her, really fun, and I'm not really scared, I never really run out of things to say. It comes easily. So I want to be around her. And she is beautiful. Really beautiful." I rested my chin on my right hand, tracing little circles there with my fingers. "But I'm not confident about this, and I don't want to lose what we have. Only spinning out a 'maybe' indefinitely wouldn't be right, either. So I don't know what to do at all."

"That's… pretty tough." Mako-chan laughed nervously. "You know, I almost miss the days when we were more worried about photography and pencil cases."

"And Isato," I pointed out, the ghost of a smile stealing across my face.

"Don't bring that up again. Well, you should understand better now." Mako-chan sighed. "As for what you should do… um… I have no idea. Let me think about this."

"It's okay." I sighed. "Don't you think it's weird?"

"Not really. Well, maybe a little." Mako-chan made a face when I stared at her. "Okay, it's weird. But a student who is really into cooking is a little weird, and a martial arts freak is a lot more weird, and a teenage prodigy manga-ka is really damn weird, and a track freak is pretty weird too. Everyone's different from each other. But you're still you."

"Thank you." I think I needed that. I sighed to myself. "Though I wonder whether anyone else will see it that way…"

"Could you deal with it, if they didn't?"

"I don't know," I said. "I'd like to say I could, but I'm not really a strong person."

"We'd support you, if you wanted to. I definitely would. Souma too."

"I wonder about that," I said.

"Don't. We would."

"I know," I said, more to placate her than anything else. To be honest, that was all a secondary concern. I can't really imagine telling anyone else, not when I still can't tell her. Chikane. Or know to tell her. Or… something.

"And don't forget your lectures, either," Mako-chan said.

"I won't," I began, feeling like my mother was chiding me. My phone ringing interrupted us.

Mako-chan stood, grabbed my phone from the side of my bed and tossed it to me. "Good luck. Have fun."

I caught it clumsily, smiling and nodding to hide my tension. Were we being premature? It might be someone else. "Hello?"

"_Hi, it's me. Is this a good time?"_

My smile widened, while Mako-chan walked across to the other side of the flat, leaving me in peace. "It's fine, it's great. How are you?"

"_I'm well. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner, I've been taking care of some things."_

"That's fine. I was doing something, too." I resisted the temptation to tell Chikane-chan everything about the encounter with Miyako. I didn't want to talk about the Orochi, of all things. "Is Otoha-san fine, too? Say hi for me."

"_Oh? I will. She's fine, the same as always. Ah." _Chikane-chan paused for a second, taking a breath. _"In any case, are you doing anything on Saturday?"_

"No, I'm free," I said almost reflexively. A moment's hurried thought confirmed I actually was free.

"_Good. How about if we met in the morning? I've heard the Ueno zoo is excellent, so I thought we could visit it. If that's not too much trouble, of course."_

"That would be wonderful," I said automatically. Like the water park. But that was… different. "Um. The Reynolds are gone, right?"

"_Yes. They're still in Kyoto, as far as I know." _Chikane-chan paused for a moment. _"Of course, if you want to invite Saotome or other friends, that would be fine…"_

"No, not at all," I said nervously. "I'd rather- um. Where shall we meet?"

"_How about Yoga station at ten? If that's convenient for you."_

"That's fine," I said gratefully. "Are you sure that's not too much trouble for you, though?"

"_Not at all. It's hardly difficult for me. And for lunch, shall we eat there?"_

"I could make bento if you prefer," I said. "Since you've organised it, it'd make me feel less guilty."

"_Well, if you have the time, that would be excellent."_

"I'll definitely do it. And thanks for doing this. I appreciate it."

"_Not at all. Thank me once we're done. By the way, how are your lectures going?" _

"They're fine. I have one at nine tomorrow, which is a pain." I sighed. "And the lecturer is really boring, as well. I keep drifting off in the middle, and then panicking because I haven't written anything down."

Chikane-chan laughed. _"I see. That's rather unfortunate."_

"I have a seminar in the afternoon, as well. We're really getting down to things." I adjusted the angle of my head, trying to relieve my arm a little. "And you? How are your studies? They must be tough."

"_Fairly well. I'm finally beginning to understand what they want from essays, which is an important step forwards. Trying to narrow an argument down from the amount of material we look at is very hard."_

"Right? I've had that problem, as well." I pouted. "That, and every historical event I've ever heard of always turns out to be less significant than I thought, or even a complete non-event. It's not very fair."

"_I see. It certainly seems to be true, that this is a different kind of learning. I'm finally becoming used to it. A routine, too."_

"Yes." I frowned slightly, a thought occurring. "Do you have lots of friends at university?"

"_Not really. I'm always very busy, so it's hard not to come across as distant. But everyone is amicable enough."_

"I… see," I said, slightly surprised. It also occurred that perhaps, just perhaps, that was because of me. So I'm a little guilty for that fact, and a little more guilty that I don't really regret it. "That's too bad."

"_It's fine. I've never really been the kind of person who has many friends. I think it's become a preference."_

"But you're kind and popular," I said. "How could you not have a lot of friends?"

"_Thank you. But as you've probably noticed, I have a tendency to preoccupation. I'm still not exactly 'normal', either, so there aren't many people who are comfortable with me. And like I said, I have a preference for just a few friends, though I'm polite to everyone."_

"That makes sense, I suppose," I said. "But it still surprises me a little."

"_How about you, Himeko? Have you made many new friends?"_

I winced slightly, wishing I hadn't pushed quite so far. "Umm… there are people I occasionally talk to. But not really, no. I'm shy, and in any case, I have Mako-chan and Ogami-kun. They're enough, I suppose."

"_I can see that would help. Well, I'm sure I could preach, but that would make me a hypocrite. As long as you're happy, it's fine."_

"I'm fine," I said. "Besides, by now it's too late to ask most people's names. It's very embarrassing."

"_Quite." _

"You're right, though. Most people are nice." I tapped my leg playfully. "Mako-chan's still insisting I should join a club of some kind. She says it's a good way to make friends. But, I still don't have anything in particular I want to join."

"_That's too bad. I have the opposite problem, really. All my activities fill up my schedule and my martial arts leave me sore, as well." _

"That sounds tough," I said. "Oh, that reminds me… how is your head? Is it healing okay?"

"_It's much better now," _Chikane-chan said slowly. _"Thanks for asking."_

"I'm glad," I said. "Souma always says these things are safe, but he often ends up hurt, too. So be careful, okay?"

"_I will," _Chikane-chan assured me. _"Don't worry, it won't happen again. I promise."_

I smiled. "Is that really the kind of promise you can keep, though?"

"_Ah. Not without quitting. But I'll try my best, I can assure you. I don't enjoy being hurt either."_

"Okay. That's good. I won't try and get you to quit, though. That wouldn't work on Souma, either."

"_Ogami is different, though. This is another case where others have more sincerity than I."_

I sighed. "Yes, yes. Does that ever bother anyone but you?"

"_I don't know. But the important thing is that it bothers me, I'm afraid. Sorry for subjecting you to my self-pity."_

"It doesn't bother me at all. I just don't want to laugh at you," I teased. Some parts of Chikane-chan never change, to be sure.

"_If that's the case, you should join a society, before I start laughing at you. You only have to sit in and see if you like what they do, right?"_

"But I'm shy," I protested. "And besides, it's been several weeks now, so it would be weird to suddenly start poking around societies."

"_It's not weird at all. People drop in and out as they please, and they always want new members. You just have to try, right?"_

"I'd try, if I had anything to try," I said, going over very familiar ground. I guess I deserve it, though.

"_Well, it's your decision. We both tend to go in circles, though."_

"I guess that's true." I giggled. "Saying you'll change is easier than changing, right? How about you? Do you have any new, sincere interests?"

"_Not really. To be honest, I don't know exactly what I like, beyond what I do. So you could say everything I do falls into my interest in good self-advertisement."_

That made me laugh again. Such a Chikane answer. "I see. You should try it. There has to be something, right? Something you just don't have time to do?"

"_I'm not sure. I like riding, but that's not very easy in the city."_

"How about normal things? Watching TV, or reading manga, some common mundane guilty pleasure?"

"_Not really," _Chikane-chan said, sounding moderately surprised herself. _"I suppose I've never had the time."_

"I see." I paused for a moment. "You know, I've never really been clear, but… what are you doing all this for? Loyalty for your family and your mother, right?"

"_Yes. This is how I intend to repay my debt to my parents. They've given me so much. Besides that, I genuinely admire mother's chosen path. Don't think I've been forced into this, or I'm just doing it out of a sense of obligation. It's something very important I want to do for myself."_

"I know. You're not the kind of person to be forced into things, after all." I looked up curiously. "And why does your mother do what she does? For her parents?"

"_That is… her reason is different from mine. More important, I suppose. By doing what she does, that is her proof of existence."_

I blinked. "Proof of existence?"

"_To her father, my grandfather… my mother's told me this, that she does everything she does to prove that she can, will, and is. It's important." _Chikane paused for a moment. _"Though it's a secret, as well. I don't understand, but I can guess. More than simply feminism, she has been dead to Shuusei-sama for sixteen years. That is why we fight."_

I blinked. "I don't… understand."

Saying those words again, a voice chided.

"_Nor do I. I hope you can understand, however…" _Chikane-chan sighed. _"Why I can never change."_

* * *

"_So, what it is you want to see today?"_

_I glance at Rook with something approaching familiarity, the vast panorama of the Orochi realm swirling around us. "Isn't there a faster way to do this? This is pretty inefficient."_

"_It's like reading a book. You can skip chapters and skim to locate the important details you need. But there's a limit to how fast you can read without decreasing recall." Rook shrugs. "Besides, if you tried to compress a year of time into a night or two, your brains would drip out of yours ears."_

"_Quite." I sigh. "Did I ever go on a date with Himeko in my last life? Your life, I suppose."_

"_That depends on what you mean by date. Two people who know each other well doing something together, or a date-date?"_

"_The latter."_

"_Nope. I know Himeko went on a few dates with Ogami, but of course I didn't witness them. And I doubt they would be very helpful." Rook shrugs again, pacing across the Torii gate. "I can show our first meeting if you like. Or the time she hand-fed me."_

_I frown, looking at her. "Is it just me, or are you treating me more like an actual person than before? And acting more like a person yourself."_

"_The Queen is happy with you right now. I won't speculate as to why, I don't think you deserve it. But she'd chide me if I treated you badly." Rook smirks. "Tempting as that always is."_

"_One side of me is quite the sadist," I say, walking towards the edge and looking down again. "How alarming. In any case, do you think a zoo is fine? Do you know my waking experiences?"_

"_I remember that first time when you were thirteen and your parents were out and you were reading about contemporary politics with Otoha-san downstairs-"_

"_Yes, thank you," I say sharply, cutting her off. "You've made your point. I'm sure I could ask you for an analogue memory."_

"_That's rather voyeuristic."_

"_No, thank you." I sigh. She really was in something approaching a good mood. But that just meant her darker tendencies got translated into mockery, it would seem. _

"_But you can tell me something if you like, either way. Putting things into words can be helpful."_

"_Was that actual advice?" I ask curiously._

"_Contrary to your apparent perception, I don't have any reason to see you make stupid decisions. Quite the contrary." Rook glares at me. "You'll never have to make the choices I made, so at least have the decency to manage the easy ones."_

"_They're not easy," I say lightly._

"_No. They aren't," Rook agrees, after a moment's thought. "But I have been _uniquely _well-placed to appreciate the value of time."_

"_I can't argue with that. So. Is the zoo a decent place for a date with Himeko?"_

"_You're asking me for dating advice?" Rook says incredulously._

"_Yes. Yes, I am. I thought you said you were tired of me screwing up, right?" I ask, looking at her._

"_I didn't expect you'd really take me seriously." Rook walks up to the edge, standing next to me and looking into the abyss. "I feel obliged to point two things out. First, I am your spiritual-metaphysical dream-guide, not an agony aunt. Secondly, I am as romantically experienced at you. My experiences are profoundly negative, both the unrequited love and the pathological rejection of all those people."_

"_That really does get tedious." I glance at her. "But broadly, talking to you is like talking to a more brutal and uninhibited version of me. Hypothetically, you should give very good advice indeed."_

"_You really shouldn't be saying that now you know my actions." Rook folded her arms awkwardly. "I am not proud. You should not forget what I am, what I represent… inhibitions are the fabric of society, and I am the tear."_

"_I know. I'm pretty good at self-hate as well." I look up at Orochi, fighting a childish impulse to stick my tongue out at him. "Well?"_

"_Well… it's not a bad idea, I suppose. You can talk freely and it's the sort of thing she likes." Rook frowns. "Though it's very public and there's no real prospect for physical intimacy."_

_Those words are said as if she's picking them up with tongues. I suppose I can understand that. "That's not a bad thing, under the current situation. It doesn't really commit us to one thing or another."_

"_Is that really something we should be saying?" Rook glares at me. "Plausible deniability, I understand that. I spun plausible deniability around her and myself for a year. A year! Are you sure you shouldn't be choosing a more romantic locale to force the issue and get a proper answer? That's how to play to win."_

"_It's easy for you to be gung-ho," I say reproachfully. "You don't have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I think it's best to restore the trust I lost before worrying about that."_

"_I do have to deal with the consequences. I've nothing else to do. And I'm telling you, the slow and steady approach is meaningless." Rook scowls. "If that's the limit of your resolve, you might as well give up now."_

_I sigh. "Fine. How about if I judge it based on how things go on the day, and if we have a good atmosphere I can take her to dinner afterwards?"_

"_You don't get reservations in our kind of restaurant like that," Rook notes._

"_It won't be that kind of restaurant. I have a list, you know."_

"_Fine. That's probably the best I'm going to get." Rook stares at me. "So… I'll ask that question again. I'm getting bored."_

_I smile. "Let me see your first meeting."_

* * *

Souma approached, a bag full of books over one shoulder. "Hi."

I nodded. "Heya."

He stopped in front of me, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry I haven't been around much, studying has been hell. I don't know how Himemiya does it."

"Neither do I, and I guess I do a lot less than you two," I said. I looked around the park cautiously. It wasn't the park, Kinuta Park. There be Tsubasa. But it was good enough for a meeting like this. "Shall we sit down?" I nodded towards a bench.

Souma sat down, leaving me space to do so. "So… no Makoto again, no Himemiya, this is either about her or our past."

"It's possible I just wanted to talk to you," I pointed out, mostly of out of habit.

"True. So, do you just want to talk to me?" he asked, glancing at me.

"Umm. No, not really," I admitted.

Souma chuckled. "I thought so. Well, this isn't a laughing matter, I know. Whatever it is, I'm happy to talk about it."

"Is Tsubasa your brother?"

Souma stared at me, his face going blank for a moment. "Yeah, that's the one thing that wouldn't have been true for."

I said nothing, just waiting patiently.

Souma sighed, apparently resigned. "Yes. How did you find out?"

"How long did you know that?" I asked, trying to dodge his question.

Souma looked at me. "Have things really got that bad between us?"

I faltered slightly, listening to myself. Since when have I hidden things from my friends? All of this is changing me. "I met Miyako."

"You what?" Souma gave me an anxious look. "Are you okay? What else did she say?"

"Of course I'm fine," I said, pouting at him. "Otherwise I wouldn't be here. She didn't threaten me in any way."

"Don't trust her," Souma said sternly. "Even Tsubasa says she's intelligent and manipulative. Whatever she said, it's impossible to ever assume she has good motives."

"Tsubasa, your brother," I pointed out.

"Yes." Souma looked away. "I knew pretty soon after I first met him in the park. Call it intuition. Seeing him brought things back, and talking to him brought more back. So much so I could remember a lot of things. He's my brother, biologically speaking."

"Did you have dreams?" I asked.

He blinked. "Dreams?"

"Dreams, like you're in Mahoroba again, and there's copies of you here and there," I said vaguely. "And a boss copy who can guide you through your memories. Something like that."

Souma shook his head. "No, I didn't have anything like that. It was just… like a succession of small epiphanies."

"Well, its not too important," I said. "I was just curious."

"In any case, Miyako and Tsubasa are dangerous. Just because they can't throw giant robots around any more hasn't changed that at all." Souma glared at me. "It's best just to avoid them."

"And you?" I asked sharply. "Have you been avoiding Tsubasa?"

"I-" Souma faltered for a moment. "He's my brother. I don't really have a choice."

"If you're right, why doesn't it apply to you?"

"Because he's my brother. He goes easy on me for that reason." Souma shrugged. "I can deal with it."

So can I. But I decided not to argue about that. There were more important things to discuss. "What Miyako wanted to know was this, can you get him to stop? To stop pursuing me and Chikane-chan."

"Did you think I wasn't trying?" Souma said sourly. "I'm doing everything I can, but it's not that simple."

"So what does he say?" I asked. "I don't understand, why is he doing this?"

"I'm not sure. He doesn't like explaining himself. But he says something like this, if he can force you two apart, it will make you useless to Ame no Murakumo from now on." Souma sighed. "So he's still fighting the same damn way, like he's still in the jungle or whatever. He won't just let it go, he's that kind of person."

"Why… does he care about that?" I frowned in confusion. "That's all over and done with, right?"

"It's not over. It's postponed." Souma glanced sidelong at me. "And just killing you isn't good enough for him. Apparently, that wouldn't change anything. That's why I went along with him, both those things… because, as far as we know, you're going to have to do the same thing again. And again. Forever."

"That is- I don't know about that. I can only concentrate on this life, here and now." I looked down at the floor. "Everything else is too remote for me."

"I know. I… understand that, too." Souma looked away. "When he first told me about all this, I thought it was necessary. But now, after some thought, I can't always protect you from everything in this life. Forget the next. In the face of something like that, there's nothing we can do. What will be, will be."

"I know what I want. But Tsubasa is different, I suppose. The premise of what I want doesn't come into this to begin with." I sighed. "I don't understand him at all."

"I can understand, a little. I know both of you and where you stand. For his part, I can't say I like Ame No Murakumo either."

"Don't say that!" I said. "She's what saved the world, isn't she?"

"She? I thought it was a he." Souma frowned. "And don't get me wrong. I fought with Ame No Murakumo to protect you, so I understand. Whatever… it thinks, it saves the world. But it's not something we can understand or communicate with, and it is something that's trapped you into something awful. In terms of the scope of the world, two individuals are nothing. But the individuals aren't nothing, not to me. That's how a human lives."

"Well, if you asked me if I'd sacrifice myself to save the world, I'd do it, I guess," I said uneasily. "But it's not like I'd think of myself as the best person to do it."

"No. It's not something anyone can refuse when it's given to them, but it's not something anyone wants." Souma broke off, laughing. "Listen to us… for thousands of people, this kind of thing is a wish fantasy. And we have to seriously talk about it."

I nodded weakly. "And… you fought alongside Ame No Murakumo?"

Souma nodded. "You don't remember?"

I shook my head. "No."

Souma sighed, looking away. "I see. That was near the end. I fought Orochi using Ame No Murakumo while you went to see Himemiya. I lost. I don't know what happened after that, but whatever you two did, it worked. We're still here."

"I… see." I sighed. "I've never seen how things end. The Queen is too scary."

Souma blinked. "The Queen?"

"Oh, um." I groped for an explanation. "I think she's the only one who's seen the ending, or something. And she's up in this shrine, only she's been stabbed. Um. She's not dead, but she can't talk very much. And beyond around her makes me really sick."

"That… sounds reasonable, if you look at it in a certain way," Souma said. "Is it a stabbing pain?"

I giggled, controlling myself when I noticed he was serious. "Um, no. It's more like… a weight, or a pressure. As if I was being blown from a high wind coming in all directions, so it's hard to breathe around her. But more than that, a sense of… presence, an incredible aura of power and authority. I don't really understand, but I feel… dirty. I can't bear it for more than a little while."

Souma gave me a strange look. "It's cold, right?"

I give him a questioning look. "Cold?"

"The air's cold and taut, but not in a physical way," Souma said slowly. "You still tremble, but your skin isn't experiencing coldness, it won't fade if you hug yourself tight. And it feels bright, so it's hard to see or concentrate, but there's no light. And it's a controlled terror, but it is terrifying."

I nodded in confusion. "Right. Something like that."

"That's what I remember, when I used Ame No Murakumo. My mech was something my emotions could move, but Ame No Murakumo… to it, I was the weapon." Souma closed my eyes. "A complete and overwhelming distance between us, that's what I felt at that time."

"So that means-" I broke off, frowning.

"Maybe. It makes as much sense as anything else." Souma sighed. "Which is to say, not at all."

I nodded weakly.

Souma stood abruptly, looking down at me. "I have to go. You do what you want to do with Himemiya. I'll take care of Tsubasa."

"But-" I raised a hand, but he was already walking away. I let my hand fall. No, I probably can't protest. I remember the last time I saw his retreating back.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chains of Memory: Part 33**

Well, one down. Now to do my actual essay... if Chikane had my schedual, her current lifestyle would be impossible.

**

* * *

**I checked my organiser, making absolutely sure this was the right place. After that, I slid it back into my pocket and considered my next room. Tsubasa's approach didn't suit my temperament, however much he'd shown it might even be possible for me. But that wouldn't really help with what I actually intended to do. I sighed. I really shouldn't start thinking like him. My best alternative was to wait until they were finished. That would certainly be the proper thing to do, but that would take time I wasn't sure I had. Besides, I wasn't certain he was in there.

So that left option three, lie. That was the path of least resistance.

Pity I didn't bring my robes.

I shrugged, opened the door and stepped through, taking my shoes off and putting my bag down in the corner. I looked through into the training area with interest. There weren't many people there, and all of them were men. Well, not that I minded. And though I couldn't be sure, one of them did look like the man I was looking for.

Someone else approached, looking at me with something approaching puzzlement. "Um… can I help you?"

I bowed. "I'm sorry for intruding. I am Chikane Himemiya."

"Ishin Kimura," he said, still looking puzzled.

Apparently he didn't recognise the name. I shouldn't be disappointed. Or else he just didn't connect it with _the _Himemiya…"I'm considering training here. Would it be at all possible for me to observe?"

"Ah, right now isn't a great time," he said. "We run our open sessions on Fridays to Sundays. Right now it's just the advanced group."

"That's fine. That's what I'd be interested in." I frowned slightly as he gave me a dubious look. "If you need a reference, I can come back with one from Torai Yagami-sensei. In any case, I can assure you I'm of the right standard. I've been practising regularly since the age of five."

"In that case, there's no problem," he said. "Will you need to borrow equipment?"

"I'm afraid so. I left my own at home. Carrying a bokken around the university is generally frowned on." I followed him to what passed for their changing rooms. "So, is there anything you can tell me about this dojo? Your emphasis?"

"We're quite serious, though of course we have more open sessions," he said, looking ahead. "But Matsumoto-sensei spares quite a lot of time for our more advanced group, and we have a strong showing at tournaments. It's quite competition-orientated, generally. But we don't have any advanced females."

"I'm used to that," I said dryly.

"Go ahead." He stepped aside, giving me a swift look before backing away.

I stepped through, rolling my eyes when he couldn't see me. Tsubasa's approach was getting more and more attractive.

Once I'd changed, I came through silently. Apparently, they had all been told I was coming, since they all looked at me curiously. I didn't mind that, though. I had found my target.

I bowed to the teacher. "I'll be in your care."

He nodded. "Please treat this as you would your own dojo."

I sat down next to the person I'd been looking for, nodding respectfully. A younger man, the teacher. He was strongly build, maybe thirty-five. Unlike Yagami-sensei, who generally just watched and advised from the side, he was in the middle of the room, practising kata with a student. I'm not sure what approach I prefer, but that's rather moot.

"Chikane Himemiya, was it?"

I gave him a questioning look.

"It's okay. As long as we pay attention. By the way, I'm Chikara Arakaki."

I suppressed a smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I recall you from some tournaments, actually."

"I'm flattered. I'm afraid you have the advantage of me."

"I don't enter tournaments. I'm not sure if it's the most valuable approach," I say delicately. "But I follow them with interest, and it's not an easy thing to do."

"Of course, opinions on these things vary," Arakaki said. "In any case, is there anything you want to know?"

I frowned for a moment, considering. "Later. I'd like to observe, first."

"Of course."

I waited for a few more moments. "One thing, though. If you don't mind, I've been looking for a friend of mine. I believe you went to the same dojo before. Green hair, red eyes, tall, a few years older than me. Called Tsubasa."

"Are you a reporter?" Arakaki asked sourly.

I gave him an irritated look. "Do I look like one? I'm only interested in him. At the expense of being insensitive, the Tsubasa I knew from my past was not someone who would die in a fire."

"He knew someone like you?"

"Yes. He did." I frowned. "If you're not comfortable with talking about it, I'd absolutely understand. I know it's an insensitive question, but this is important to me."

"If it's finding him, you're in luck. He's in Tokyo."

I blinked in surprise. "Really?"

"He crashed us yesterday. It was like seeing someone come back from the dead." Arakaki's voice wavered slightly. "He defeated Ishin then left. He didn't even acknowledge I was there."

"That… sounds like him." I watched with interest as they completed the kata, Matsumoto-sensei 'winning'. They bowed to each other, the next person standing and approaching.

"I don't know how you know him or why, but it's not worth it. Guy's not normal." Arakaki looked straight ahead, his neck stiff. "Me, I wouldn't have anything more to do with him. Not at any price."

"I can handle him. I don't see why I should be so apprehensive."

"How much do you know about him?" he demanded softly.

"Cold, intelligent, a kenjutsu prodigy. He uses a one-hand style and the Atsumoto school style. Handsome and frankly rather violent. And he gets bored easily." I shrugged. "I wouldn't call him dangerous. He tends to be misunderstood."

"He's not just misunderstood. Either way… trust me, it's not worth it." Arakaki glanced at me. "Bear in mind I knew him when we were both teens. I felt sorry for him, at the time, when I worked out what he was like."

"Oh?" I narrowed my eyes slightly.

"It's not really something I should talk about."

My eyes flickered, following the motions of the bokken. A very smooth exchange. They weren't bad, after all. "I understand. In that case, where do you think I can find him?"

"I'm telling you, you should forget it."

"I'll keep looking, whatever you say," I shot back.

"Why are you so interested in him?"

"He's an interesting person."

"That's no answer."

"Isn't it plenty?" I fell silent, not sparing him another glance. If it couldn't be helped, it couldn't be helped.

Arakaki sighed, falling silent for a few moments. "He really loved kenjutsu," he remarked softly, after a while.

"Now that's a surprise," I said dryly. Another kata concluded, another person standing. Arakaki would be next.

"No, not in the sense of being strong, or being able to hurt people," Arakaki said. "He loved kenjutsu. Though he'd never say as much, but the structure and the discipline was something he accepted, with time. When I saw him yesterday I was shocked. Not just for him being alive, but because that wasn't present at all."

"So he's changed," I remarked. "Even he doesn't stay just the same." I paused for a moment. "It's hard to imagine him changing, all the same, or ever being that way."

"He wasn't that way when he first came. He was petulant and violent and disrespectful. That would be when I was fourteen or so. He was probably the same age."

"How did he come to your dojo?" I asked. I had the mental image of a fourteen year-old Tsubasa kicking down the door and challenging them, which was both amusing and disturbingly plausible.

"Atsumoto-sensei brought him there." Arakaki fell silent again. "He always drove us hard, but he was a good man, after all. No matter what Tsubasa did, he was only ever just amused."

"I see." I frowned thoughtfully. "And then?"

"He stayed for a while. I say a while, it was several years. He was incredibly talented, or so I thought… but Atsumoto-sensei said he'd been in many street-fights. That may have been why." Arakaki looked down at the floor. "He dropped in and out of the place at random, and practised at odd hours. No one really liked him, and he didn't really like anyone. He was strange. But he became better and better, faster than anyone else. We all cheered for him in his first tournament. We all wanted him to succeed."

"But you didn't like him, if I recall," I said.

"If you're good enough at something, you don't have to be likeable. I think he enjoyed that." Arakaki sighed. "And then the fire."

"The fire? What happened?"

"A horrible accident. That's all." He gave me a sour look. "There's no hidden truth to that."

"Quite."

"Arakaki, get up here!"

"Yes, sensei."

I watched him go, frowning thoughtfully. Yes, this was something very interesting.

* * *

I felt my body tense, assailing me with doubts. But with an effort, I pressed on. I'd already talked with four of them… well, six, if you counted Chikane-chan and Souma. It was okay. I could do this.

Besides, he might not even be here.

When I arrived at the bench in front of the children's playground, in fact, he wasn't there. I felt a wave of relief, half-ready to turn on my heel and head home again. But I checked myself just in time, forcing myself to walk forwards and sit down on the bench. I'd come this far; I might as well wait a little while.

Cigarette butts littered the ground around my feet. I sighed wanly. How could Tsubasa be Souma's brother? There were definitely more differences than similarities.

I dismissed the thought, pulling out my phone and texting Mako-chan. After a little consideration, I sent 'out with Chikane. Will be back.' Yes, I was definitely getting into bad habits. But I didn't want to make her worry. It was just until all of this was resolved, that was all. It wasn't like I was planning to keep this up.

And after that, I had nothing to do, so I sat and watched the children play for a while. A lot of them were with their parents, who just sat by the side of the playground and watched. It must be nice, to be able to come here after school and just play. I can barely remember doing that, but I had to stop after a while. After that, I'd been taught how to do chores. But still, it was nice. These children, I mean. Really, when you're a child you have so much freedom, and that's not something that lasts forever. I'm somewhat at the last ebb of my own freedom. Whether you want it to or not, life goes on, you get older, and the necessary changes from one thing to another. It's how society works, I'm sure Chikane would say. But I think she was probably different from the start. What she thinks is necessary isn't normal at all.

I was surprised to see Tsubasa approaching, walking up the path. His green hair blew in the wind, and he was wearing the same strange white clothes as ever. How does he keep it so clean? Does he wash them, or does Miyako do it? Does he have multiple sets?

And then he looked in my direction, focusing on me, and of course all those musings became moot. He didn't change his pace at all as he descended on me.

"Good afternoon," I said, looking up at him as he stood over me. I resisted the temptation to stand as well, or run away. He's really, really tall. Not in a good way.

"That's pretty impudent," Tsubasa remarked coldly. "I'm used to the Seventh and Eighth coming and going as they please, but if you'll come even within fifty meters of my shadow alone I'm being far too amicable for words."

"I get that a lot," I said, meeting his gaze. "All the Orochi say something like that. It's true I'm not as amazing as they are, but I'm not useless. There are things I can do, and one of them is talk to you all. Unlike them, I don't have a reason to fight you, or any grudges between us."

"Humph. That's pretty presumptuous in itself." Tsubasa stepped past the bench, moving behind me. "But I'll put that aside. So you're doing something so reckless to prove to yourself that you're not useless? I know I didn't use that word."

"It's not a matter of proof." I stared straight ahead, focusing on the children's playground and trying to ignore his restless movement. I especially tried to ignore the thought of being hit from behind. "I'm just pointing out why I'm here. It's not as if I don't fear you… I am afraid. Even so, I need to talk to you. That's more important than anything else, so you can think whatever you please, as long as you talk to me."

"I see." He stopped approximately behind me. I felt the pressure of his gaze beating down on my neck. "Even then, I don't have anything to say to you. Your place is only to look on them from behind. It's not as if you've done anything very outstanding."

"I don't have to, whether that's true or not," I said. "You will at least hear me out, won't you? I know you'd never back down from someone talking to you directly. You're that kind of person."

"That's not why you should be worrying in this situation." I felt him grasp a lock of my hair, letting it flow through my fingers. "Can you really look after yourself?"

I looked over my shoulder at him, my expression as blank as I could make it. "You won't do that, either. You're not that kind of person."

Tsubasa met my gaze for a long moment. Eventually, he sighed. "With that dull expression, you're the worst of them. Souma and Himemiya, their anger blazes so brightly on his face and in her eyes, so playing games with them is the best… you can only make yourself abject with a calm look and accept things." He turned away, leaning against the back of the bench. "Victimising yourself is not strength. You should hate me among others, it would make you less pathetic."

"I know what it feels like to hate someone," I replied. "And it's not easy, but even so, I try to believe in people. That doesn't come easily, even for me."

"Believing in people, don't screw with me. People invent pillars and put them in heaven so they can believe. It's easy enough to make that object of belief invincible and just intangible enough that they can find what they want to see in that." Tsubasa chuckled. "But belief and people, that's meaningless. You of all people should understand betrayal."

"That's why I believe," I said reasonably. "If I was saying everyone is always good, or even anyone is always good, that would be different, wouldn't it? I just think it's better to see the good people do, rather than the bad."

"A meaningless platitude."

"Maybe so. That's why I'm here, though."

Tsubasa was silent for a few moments, tilting his head backwards. His hair almost tangled itself in mine before jerking upwards as he stood again. "You really are the most disgustingly incorrigible of martyrs. What Souma sees in you isn't something I can see. When I see you, I can only see that woman… but I suppose he wouldn't remember that."

"That woman?" I asked curiously.

Tsubasa came around the side of the bench again, standing there and looking across its length at me. "No one you'd know," he said, smirking. "If you seize on my every idle word, I'll drag you dancing away from whatever small-minded intention you have easily enough."

"It's okay." I smiled at him, despite the pressure I was feeling. This man isn't anything like Ame No Murakumo, after all. "You're enjoying this, aren't you? Talking to someone, and discussing the world. I think you do enjoy that."

"I also enjoy the crack of bones breaking, and the sight of blood," Tsubasa said. "You should be careful of anything you think I'm enjoying."

"You don't enjoy that, though, I think. You enjoy fighting, but that's different. Like Souma and Chikane, the fact that fighting makes you feel alive isn't something I can ever understand… but I don't think it's sadism." I put my hands on my lap, looking up at him. "A sadist wouldn't hate this world, right, when he could inflict pain in so many small corners?"

"It may come as revelation, but some people are just plain evil," Tsubasa said. "I'm one of them, I can assure you. Watching people squirm, whether it's with my words or swords, inflicting an utter inferiority on them, that's the best experience to be had in this miserable world."

"If you call yourself evil, you can renounce responsibility. It's easier than changing, isn't it?"

"How I hate people like you," Tsubasa said, looking down at me and sighing again. "Assuring everyone that they're good people really, and telling them why they went wrong without knowing them at all, it's all painfully smug." He sat down on the bench, folding his arms. "If I told you all your saintly personality is just overcompensation for all the abuses people have heaped on you over the years, it's the same. Funny they never reduce the identities of the supposedly virtuous to circumstances and ash."

"I can only ever tell you what I think. Since you do the same about me, that's fair enough, isn't it?"

"As if you need my permission." Tsubasa glared at me, before throwing his head back and folding his hands behind it. "In any case, get on with it, whatever it is. You didn't come here to talk with me, and I much prefer the silence."

I nodded. As obstructionist stalkers go, I suppose he could be more impolite. "You're Souma's brother, right?"

"Somewhat." Tsubasa looked up at the sky. "Define 'brother'."

"In the usual sense," I said, not quite understanding.

"Blood's thinner, that's something I learned from last time. Unlike him, I can take a point from living it once." Tsubasa glanced sidelong at me, his lips twisting again. "So you're here to make me play nice with him and go along with whatever idea he has?"

"Not really." I glanced at him. "I just want you to leave things at this. I don't know what you want with me and Chikane-chan, but it's fine to leave us in peace, right?"

"So you're here to beg for yourself. Unfortunately, my answer won't change." Tsubasa stretched further, his expression mocking. "You should send the Eighth. She really is better at intimidation."

"It's all over, isn't it?" I said. "You can't be expected to take responsibility for your past life… that's true of all of us. But there's no point in carrying on fighting us. We're not the same people you lost to."

"I never lost. I consciously bowed out before the finale." Tsubasa chuckled. "But that's not the point, I'm afraid. I'm not going to give up because I'm _right_. The relationship you have with Himemiya isn't natural. Not for sexuality, but because it's passed down on high from Ame No Murakumo, and makes tools of us all. How am I supposed to accept that?"

"Somehow I doubt your ability to judge our best interests," I said, pouting slightly.

"It's fascinating how you can preach about my true good nature for just as long as it doesn't involve me offering advice you don't welcome," Tsubasa said. "Apparently, my innate nature can be virtuous despite all things, but the chances of me offering good counsel off the cuff since I'm bored are remote."

"I just don't think I'm someone whose best interest you care about," I said. "Your ideals, yes, but I'm not interested in them. And Souma, too."

"Ha. I don't read teenage magazines, but I'm given to understand rapists are less desirable than non-rapists in normal social circles are. That's where the great line about our past life comes from, as well. You work so hard to excuse her for what she eminently and consciously did, what she'd do again if it all happened again." Tsubasa scowled at me. "It really is pathetic."

I shrugged, looking seriously at him. "I know you think so. This is just how I live, though. I'm not going to make an excuse, such as saying this is the only way I know how to live… it's only my choice. I can take responsibility for it."

"It's not your choice. All of this was fabricated by Ame No Murakumo, from the start to the end."

"What was it you said about denying people their own character?"

Tsubasa laughed. "Not bad rhetoric, but this is rather different. This is certainly something we've seen with our own eyes, the fact that beings beyond us are playing puppet-master with our affairs. It irritates me."

"I don't really know whether or not my emotions are due to that, but… real and fake, what it is and everything… I've had too much of that already." I frowned gently. "I can only believe in my feelings as they touch me. Just as you believe in your nihilism, no matter how convenient it is for Orochi."

"And you're fine with that? I proved my freedom to myself last time. You didn't do any such thing. Are you really willing to go through the same experience again and again, with the same hellish ending?" Tsubasa smirked. "Maybe there's more sincere hate in you than you'll admit, if you'd put her through that."

"I'm afraid of that, too. I don't really understand the exact significance of my circumstances. But, I think I can only live in this life. I don't even know whether anything I could do would have any impact on the next."

Tsubasa sighed. "Ridiculous, after all. This should be a situation where you'd do anything and everything, but if you really have such a limited sight…"

"I prefer to think of it as focus. If you see too much of the world, you can't really see the important people close to you." I glanced at him. "So really, I think your sight is just as limited, since you miss so much."

"Playing house with Souma and Miyako? Don't fuck with me." Tsubasa pushed himself up restlessly, giving me an impatient look. "I could only ever come alive standing on that gate looking down. All of this meaningless, and I'm unnecessary."

"You're not-"

"As are they. I don't have any regard for them, or you, or anyone. Don't forget the fact that you are and always will be this far from me. An unimaginable separation." He glared at me. "And the Eighth also stood where I'm standing now. Be careful she never reaches that place again."

"Are you… giving me advice?" I asked, feeling puzzled.

"No. It's a warning." Tsubasa stood, brushing himself off. "You know, only an idiot would get near that girl. It's dangerous enough, considering what she can do. I haven't made any promises about anything, either."

I stood too, glancing at him. "Isn't there anything I could do, or some way to persuade you? All we want is to be safe, so after that I won't force you to do anything."

"I'm bored." Tsubasa reached into the pocket of his trousers, pulling out a packet of cigarettes. "Come here tomorrow if you like. It won't do you any good, but I enjoy watching you squirm."

"I will," I said firmly. "So then we can talk again."

Tsubasa snorted, pulling out a lighter and flicking it open. "Do as you please," he said, turning and walking away.

I watched him go, wondering quite what had just happened, and what to do next. But it was… something. Perhaps. A chance.

* * *

"Is everything fine, Ojou-sama?" Otoha-san asked, putting my tea down in front of me. "You mood has improved considerably."

"It makes me feel very adolescent," I said, leaning back in my chair and smiling wanly. "Feelings that come and go like violent waves aren't the mark of a mature person. But I have other things to concentrate on, too. It's not of great significance."

"As long as you're feeling better, that's all that's important," Otoha-san said tactfully.

I nodded absently, my mind more on the logistical difficulties of playing games and drinking tea at the same time. Sadly, as far as I could tell, you could do one or the other at any one time. Never both.

"I'll change the dressing later," Otoha-san said, returning to the kitchen. "And clean the cut, of course."

"It's mostly healed," I assured her. "There isn't really anything to worry about."

"Then please don't worry me like that again," Otoha-san said reproachfully. "Honestly, you're really not in a position to reassure me right now."

"I know. But I'll keep reassuring you, all the same." I sipped my tea. Otoha-san has been harder on me now she thinks I'm getting better, I'm sure of it. I suppose she didn't want to put me under even more pressure before now. But trust isn't something that's regained as fast as a wound closes, if at all. I've had enough experiences with that recently.

But that's no excuse for despair. I just have to keep working at it without giving up.

Once again, my idle thoughts were truncated by the sound of my phone ringing. I let Otoha-san fetch it from my bag, frowning slightly. Perhaps it was mother. I hadn't heard from her in a while, and now she had time, apparently. Or at least time enough for this.

I took the phone from Otoha-san, taking the call. "Hello?"

"_Hi, Chikane-chan."_

I blinked, shifting mental gears. "Good evening, Himeko. It's good to hear from you."

Otoha-san gave me a probing look as she returned to the kitchen. I suppose I really can't blame her, after all.

"_Thank you. How have you been?"_

"The better for you asking," I said cheerfully. And meaning it. "I'm managing my work with enough time to spare for other things. It's reassuring."

"_That's good. I wish I had that knack." _Himeko giggled. _"In my case, things always seem a little more chaotic. I'm just about managing, though."_

"I see." I smiled. "I'm glad. Ask me if you need any help with anything."

"_I will. By the way, I checked, and Saturday is fine. I'm looking forwards to it."_

"Me too." I flushed slightly, very glad she couldn't see me. Maybe things are going fine, and that feeling alone is enough… "How is Saotome and Ogami? Are they well?"

"_They're fine, I think. Apart from our work, of course."_

"Quite."

"_By the way, do you mind talking about something?"_

"Of course. Go ahead," I said patiently.

"_It's about Tsubasa."_

"Oh." I glanced at Otoha-san, before standing and heading for my room. No doubt she'll make something of that, but it can't be helped. It's best if she doesn't know. "Go ahead."

"_Did you know he's Souma's brother?"_

"Not in so many words," I said. "Really?"

"_They've both confirmed it. It really surprised me."_

"I can imagine so," I said weakly. "I knew they had a connection, but I thought it was rather simpler than that. My kind of antagonism for him, I mean." I closed the door behind me, sitting on my futon. "Tsubasa."

"_Right. In any case, apparently he still wants to get us to part, or something. So I went to talk to him-"_

"You did what?" I demanded.

"_We just talked. He didn't even try to harm me."_

"Maybe, but it's not very safe," I said dubiously. "He's really dangerous. Don't do something so reckless."

"_It's not reckless! Besides, everyone says so much how he's dangerous. He does the same thing. But what has he done to us, particularly? I think he's a lot less threatening than people think."_

"I doubt that," I said, trying not to think of earlier when I'd said something approximately the same. That was a lie, though… "In any case, please tell me about it. And I have something to tell you, as well."

Once we'd traded stories, I sat back, frowning thoughtfully. This was very interesting.

"_Hm. In any case, I think it's best if we just deal with him directly. We can ask him about your thing, too."_

"You shouldn't go," I said. "I understand your feelings, but it's too much of a risk."

"_I'm going," _Himeko said with an air of finality. _"Even if it's a risk, it's really something I need to do. I can handle myself, somehow."_

I sighed, deciding against arguing. It really wouldn't be prudent, when she sounds that definite. "Okay. But let me come with you, okay?"

"But-"

"Not to protect you." I kept my tone light. "But I have questions for him, as well. We can go and ask together."

"Okay. Shall we meet at my place?"

"That sounds best." I put my free hand on my knee, adjusting the angle of my phone against my head. "Maybe you're right. It would be great if we could just persuade him to give up."

"_I want to see if I can help Souma and Miyako as well, though. It would be great if he could come to appreciate them."_

I sighed. "Even though you promised not to interfere?"

"_That was a little lie. It's not as if he wouldn't do the same to me, or that he hasn't."_

I smiled at that, fighting to keep my voice severe. "Quite. Even so, and though I've been warned against saying things like this… Miyako really can't be trusted. Believe me on that."

"_I don't know about that. I'm sure even she can be sincere, and I'm sure she does care about Tsubasa."_

"I suppose so," I said. It's just that such a thing by no means guarantees what she'll actually do is sensible or rational. Love isn't always so convenient.

But I need to see this out, for my own sake, too. The things I need to conclude before I can move on with Himeko.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chains of Memory: Part 34**

Apologies lose meaning after the second slip, so I'll offer a belated explanation of full days and 5 out of 7 nights theoretically booked up. I'll try harder to make time for this... in any case, this chapter rounds out the third arc, which was more of a short arc. But it's also a little important in its own right.

**

* * *

**I ran forwards, panting for breath. "Sorry I'm late," I said, glancing at Chikane-chan. "The last lecture overran."

"It's fine," Chikane-chan said calmly. Her eyes were distant.

"Welcome." Souma looked at me. "You're just in time."

"Eh?" I blinked rapidly. "Ogami-kun? Why?"

"Tsubasa told me. And he also told me this. 'In these situations, my instinct is always to have a confrontation. So this time we'll settle things'. So he said." Souma shrugged. "What are we going to do?"

"I can handle this," Chikane-chan said. "If you have any doubts, you should go back."

"I told you, I don't plan on doing something so weak," I said firmly. "If you think it's worth going through with it, then it's safe enough for me as well."

"I see. If you're certain, then." Chikane-chan smiled at me. "We'll go together."

"Honestly, I still don't know what he's thinking at all," Souma muttered irritably. "Nii-san."

I blinked at that. On a conceptual level, I still can't square any connection between Souma and Tsubasa.

"That doesn't matter too much. What are you going to do?" Chikane-chan folded her arms, glaring at him. "I'm not sure if walking away wouldn't be best for you here, either. I'm not quite sure where you stand."

"I stand where I stand," Souma said. "If there's a part of me that advocates for him, I won't deny that part of me. All the more reason to go. But I don't have any interest in assisting him any more. If he left you two alone, that would be more convenient for me."

"Even if he lost interest in you, as well?" Chikane-chan said. "You're only in the loosest sense brothers. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just using you to get at us."

"There's not much surprise about that. It's a given." Souma shrugged. "Whatever he decides is what he decides… but I won't easily let him run away from me again."

"Why?" Chikane-chan asked shortly. "What has he ever done for you?"

"If it's that kind of question, you should ask Himeko."

I frowned in puzzlement. "Me?"

Chikane-chan looked down, her expression dark. "That's a fair question in either case."

I hurriedly worked through the thoughts behind all that. "Umm… well, what's gone is gone, and even so I really like Chikane-chan," I said, trying to sound reassuring. "Something like that?"

"Something like that. It doesn't really matter, anyway." Souma looked up. "So, do we have a plan, or are we winging it?"

"I have a few things I'd like to ask him, based on what few things on his past I've recently learned," Chikane-chan said. "The matter I mentioned earlier, with the Atsumoto dojo."

"Right. I have plenty I'd like to ask him as well, but I'll save it for now." Souma folded his arms. "If he gets physical, let me deal with it."

"I can handle him. I'm the one he's interested in, anyway, when it comes to beating on people with a stick," Chikane-chan said, deadpan. "I'm not sure why. Maybe he doesn't like dark hair."

"That's why I should be the one to deal with it, right? We don't want things to go at his pace," Souma said.

"We don't even know what he has planned," Chikane-chan said. "That's a little ambitious."

"Um," I said, feeling rather left out. "I don't really know what he's going to do either, but I think it's best if we just talk to him normally. The Orochi I've met have all been normal, so I don't think he's too different. In the first place, worrying and planning to fight… isn't that his pace?"

Chikane-chan looked at me for a long moment and sighed. "I suppose so. None of this is going to make things go easier, after all."

"Right." I looked down at the floor. "And I remember something Reiko said, as well. Tsubasa, like Chikane-chan, is someone with an abnormal sense of scale that makes it impossibly hard to accept the world… but I'm not sure about that, when I think about it." I met Chikane-chan's eyes. "It's true that you're socially conscious and have a lot more burdens than a normal person, but you care and compromise, you do a lot of things for me. I appreciate that."

Chikane-chan frowned in surprise. "Thank you."

"And I wonder if he's similar to that," I said. "It's not us he should be interested in. And I think he could be a different person, if only he wasn't so focused on the two of us, and Ame No Murakumo. He says he wants to stop destiny, but if you think about it, he'll be free from the moment he stops playing with us. I think that's the most important thing."

"That… makes sense," Souma said slowly. "I like it."

"Would people stop comparing him to me?" Chikane-chan said, sighing. "We're nothing alike at all."

"I'm sure he feels the same way. You're both too serious, so it's good for you," Souma said. He chuckled at Chikane-chan's expression.

"Shall we go?" I said diplomatically. The other two nodded, so we turned and walked through the gates. "And I think you're cuter than Tsubasa," I said, almost as an afterthought.

"This isn't helping," Chikane-chan said.

I smiled. "It's just what Reiko said. She's the kind of person who looks for connections in people. That's all."

"I find it depressing you've met far more of the Orochi in this life than I have," Chikane-chan said. "It seems backward."

"They're probably all scared of you," Souma said. "Though they definitely don't like you very much. That may have something to do with it."

Chikane-chan snorted. "My crimes are numerous, but that one I don't apologise for. They were trying to destroy the world."

"But was that why you did what you did?" Souma asked. "Ah. Sorry, Himeko."

"It's… okay," I said, closing my eyes briefly. "This is how things are."

Chikane-chan who hurt me. Chikane-chan who destroyed the Orochi. In that situation, when bad actions have good intentions and the right thing to do will only end badly, what's morality? The Orochi I know, who are really just people like any other people. The Orochi who attempted to end the world and killed hundreds of people gratuitously. And Tsubasa… I don't know right and wrong at all in this kind of situation, even without Chikane-chan.

So all I have is just doing what I think best, without pretending to be good or right, and hope. It doesn't seem like enough, really.

When we arrived at the children's playground, they were there. Miyako sitting on the bench, with her hands folded demurely on her lap. Her brother stood behind her, the same golden eyes, tall and strong. Reiko and Corona sat on the grass to the side, close enough to been within each, far enough away to pretend they were distant from the others. Nekoko sitting squarely at Miyako's feet. And next to Miyako, sitting straight, was Tsubasa. The sheath of his sword rested, its point barely touching the ground. His hands were clasped round the hilt, and he smirked. "Welcome, the Miko and the other one. Or the Seventh, Eighth and the other one. Whichever you prefer."

"This is a strange situation," Chikane-chan said. "Did you become a father or grandfather at your age? That's in pretty poor taste."

"You're the one wrapped up in overly domestic thoughts," Tsubasa said. "So demure, it doesn't suit your age at all. If you two were playing this out in incoherent passion and misplaced emotions, I'd leave you be. Thoughtfulness isn't encouraged."

"Yeah, yeah," Corona said. "Can we cut the dubiously witty banter? I have to pick up the groceries after this."

"That's her, isn't it?" Nekoko said, looking up at Chikane-chan and frowning. "I remember her…" She crawled under the bench, peering out from under Miyako's legs. "She's scary."

"Don't worry," Miyako said. "She can't do anything now. And I'll also welcome you both, as well," she said, turning to us and smiling. "It's been too long, Chikane. You haven't changed at all."

"That's good to know. But is that really something you should be glad about?" Chikane-chan asked coolly.

"Tch. More importantly than her, isn't that… Hime… Hime…" The tall one scratched his head, looking at me in bashful puzzlement. "Damnit, it's on the tip of my tongue."

"Idiots should stay silent." Reiko flipped over to a new page on her pad of paper, holding her pen ready and glancing at us. "I'm only here to see the drama."

"Sorry to disappoint you," Souma said. "We're just here to tell you to give up. That's not something we haven't said before."

"That's not something you said until very recently, actually." Miyako adjusted her glasses, smiling. "The boy who played fast and loose with the meaning of the word of Orochi… as always, you're still a fast and flexible turncoat."

"Nostalgic, isn't it," Chikane-chan said. "All of us together again. It's interesting, actually."

"Isn't it?" Tsubasa smirked. "You're enjoying it, aren't you? The last time you saw my comrades was when you ended their lives with ruthless efficiency, and you're not hesitant to come before them now. You're shameless."

"You're no different," Corona snapped. "You just sat by and ate popcorn while she was going all psychobitch on us!"

"No harm done, apparently," Tsubasa taunted.

"I knew there was a reason I hated you…" Corona muttered.

"It's his character type," Reiko said, rapidly scribbling. "It saves him from making an effort to relate to the world, so really, he's the ascended loner. It makes it easy for him to pretend the world doesn't understand him. She's the same, they both like the fact that you hate them."

"Hime-chan!" the tall one said, bringing his hands together audibly. "That was what I called you."

"It's given that he'd stand aloof," Miyako said. "That's proper, isn't it? If we were going to succeed by the Eighth's hands, our deaths would be a merciful prelude. As we can see now, failure would mean no harm done. Life or death, it's not fitting for an Orochi to think about such things to begin with. So before, anyway."

"And the love martyr," Reiko muttered to herself. "Miyako, Himeko. Thematic symmetry."

"I assume you never expected their presence to strengthen your position," Chikane-chan said, looking at Tsubasa. "So why are they here? Just to entertain you?"

"This is a demonstration," Miyako said, still smiling. "Orochi's ideal is embraced by many hands. Or should I say many heads?"

Tsubasa smiled, closing his eyes. "Ame No Murakumo, on the other hand, is stagnant and cyclic, a waterwheel driven by your blood in the turning. It's important that you don't misunderstand, convention and expectation are meaningless here. Good and evil, it's nothing so simple as that."

"She's still there," Nekoko said, poking her head out from under the bench. "Won't you make him go away, Sister?"

"I can't speak for the others, but I'm not really interested by any of the ideals," Souma said. "I suspect everyone else is the same, though. Can't we just live peaceful lives?"

"Don't make it sound so easy," Corona said irritably. "It pisses me off. It's alright for you, the privileged one… why were you ever an Orochi, anyway? Just because of this asshole?"

Tsubasa smirked. "Ah, so sour. It's the more fitting form of lust."

"Not for you, that's for sure," Corona muttered. "The girly boy thing makes me sick."

"Shut up, 69th," Reiko said idly.

Corona shot her a irritable glance, saying nothing.

I frowned, finding the courage to speak up and wedge my voice in the short gap. "Umm… you haven't called us here just for this, have you? Whatever you're intending, it's best if we address that, right?"

Somehow, that managed to go without interruption. Tsubasa turned his crimson eyes to me. "Interesting, that you'd be the first to progress this. I suppose you have less hate, since your hands were kept clean by the pains of the other two."

"Either way, she's right," Chikane-chan said. "I didn't come here for the erudite conversation."

"Indeed." Tsubasa smiled, closing his eyes momentarily. "It's probably not a surprise to you that I don't intend to step down quite so easily. But long stories are boring, aren't they?"

"Certainly." Chikane-chan narrowed her eyes. "What do you have in mind?"

"Why are you doing this?" I demanded, frowning. "I still don't understand at all, why you're so set on it."

"It's just something I choose to do," Tsubasa said. "That's enough for me, you know." He smirked, standing and drawing his sword. He drove the point into the ground, before pushing the hilt towards us. He locked eyes with Chikane-chan, holding his sheath by his side. "We can do round three, if you like. I'll let you have the advantage of an edged weapon."

"It's a false choice," Chikane-chan said. "I suspect my liberty means far more to me than your life does to you. Nor could I fight with my full strength like that."

"That's not what we want at all," I said, feeling uncomfortably out of place. I flushed slightly, biting my lip and pressing on. "But I still don't understand. Just involving yourself with us, that makes you involved with Ame No Murakumo, too… so you're not doing it for yourself, are you? I still don't know your real reason for this."

"It doesn't matter, does it?" Tsubasa shrugged expansively. "If we're not doing this cleanly, I'll have no choice."

"I have something to ask you about that sword, though." Chikane-chan stared evenly at Tsubasa. "The property of the Atsumoto Dojo, a place you belonged to for several years that ended in mysterious circumstances… it's your kind of story, isn't it?"

Tsubasa chuckled. "You can imagine what you like about that story. It's not relevant, isn't it?"

"That's not what interested me, though," Souma said steadily. "Himemiya told me this, that for several years at that time you actually belonged somewhere and believed in something other than yourself. It makes me curious."

"An earnest boy, attending a tournament," Chikane-chan added. "Why? It doesn't suit you at all."

Tsubasa smirked, sitting down again. "Fine. I'll say just this… that man, Atsumoto, claimed me from the streets and took me in, taught me and protected me, and in return I lend him my power willingly, believing in everything he taught me, and working at everything he said. After a time. My wiser self died hard, but died it did. And so in the end I was an obedient dog who fought for him at that tournament."

"Do we have pictures?" Corona asked idly. "This all sounds rather funny."

Tsubasa narrowed his eyes. "And of course, it turns out I was being used again. That unpleasant men didn't hesitate to brag to his peers after the fact. I was a weapon raised and used by him, an uncouth wretch only suited for fighting to bolster his reputation. Everything that happened before that time was a lie." He chuckled sourly, resting his chin on one hand. "I should be grateful to him, since I'd almost forgotten. There's no such thing as trust in this world. Everyone betrays. In this life and the last, I ended it and gained my resolve through his revelation… it's that nostalgia that brought everything back. Truly, as he wished, he shaped me, he was the making of me." He reached down, grasping the hilt of his sword and leering at us. His eyes were terrifying in their intensity. "Perhaps he'd be proud."

"I see. I thought it would be something like that." Chikane-chan folded her arms. "Another object lesson, isn't it?"

"Ah. So you've realised?" Miyako said lightly.

"Perhaps. It's impossible to be certain, when faced with an incorrigible man who can do anything by whimsy, but whether he worked this out before or after the action itself, coming before me with that sword in that way… it was an invitation, wasn't it?" Chikane shrugged. "For me to learn what I can, so you could cap the tale now with your own twisted parable, it's in pretty bad taste."

Tsubasa lowered his head slightly, looking smug. "Half-way. Not bad at all."

"I'm afraid I had a part in this as well, though only as an executor." Miyako looked sidelong at me, smiling. "Just as Tsubasa-sama predicted, such a simple emotional appeal was effective. You evidently work so hard to be shortsighted because once you see something without doubt, you can't ever turn away. But between the two of you, the agenda for your thoughts and actions became Tsubasa-sama… just as planned."

"So we came here," Chikane-chan observed. "I'll admire the arrogance of your presumption, but little else. In truth, it's a measure of your desperation that you'd say anything at all. You want this to be about us… and that hasn't worked before now, has it?"

I sighed, rubbing my head. I hate it when they all do this to me. Why can't we just talk normally about this? Is that really too much to ask? Or do they really hate each other too much to have a normal conversation? Maybe I'm the one who's strange in this situation, after all. I know it well, that it was Chikane-chan and Souma who protected me from them… and they had to do difficult things in order to do so, putting everything on the line. Maybe it really would be wrong to resent them for this.

"You're not so sanguine yourself, to come here at all," Miyako observed innocently. "Whether it's fear of the displeasure of that kind girl, or fear of us, or simply a desire to end this, you still came into this situation. Even now, you can walk away, too. This isn't something you're willing to bear while looking away."

"You shouldn't mistake compassion for desperation," Souma said. "As inconceivable as it would sound to someone like you, this is for your sake, not our own."

"Is that so, I wonder?" Tsubasa asked. He smiled beneath his hand. "I only have to change that situation, then. I'd do this myself, but I can go further… lend me yourself, Fifth."

"I refuse," Reiko said flatly, still busy writing.

"Whatever you say, its not like we're interested," Corona said. "We owe you less than nothing, so don't think we acknowledge you at all!"

"So noisy." Tsubasa glanced sidelong at them. "Isn't it more dangerous to step forwards and become a character? So the Fifth thinks."

Reiko sighed. "Silence. Fine. For the interest of the story, more than anything else." She flipped through her pad, coming to stop at another page. "Himemiya, the thousand year ruling family. Shuusei Himemiya, patriarch and family head, alive and well. Iyo, wife, deceased. From them Kazuho, who married Masato, and from them Chikane Himemiya. And both before and subsequent, the tension between Shuusei and Kazuho is clear enough. Masato, manifestly unfit for the male role in the Himemiya family, and Kazuho who works in a way Shuusei cannot accept, a family tension worsened by Takuma and Isato Himemiya. The result is a violent power struggle, in which a key role is played by Chikane Himemiya, only child. To deliver the Himemiya into the hands of two generations of females would, to Shuusei and the traditionalists, be the end of the family. Some of Kazuho's supporters are operating under the very same assumption, resenting centralised control. A dramatic backstory, to be sure."

"You're pretty well-informed," Chikane-chan said. "But it's just basic research and inference. More importantly, that and this are not connected."

"No." Reiko looked up. "Your love, such as it is… that is the limit of your love."

"My feelings for Himeko have nothing to do with my family," Chikane-chan repeated, looking irritated. "I can handle both."

"In the first place, that's naïve," Miyako said. "Your ungodly love isn't something your oh-so moral grandparent would accept, is it? Though he hates you already, would it be no loss? But traditional attitudes are entrenched in the Himemiya, something even your family stands by. You can't guarantee the support of your parents, their supporters even less so. If two females in a row is unbearable, two females at once would be quite beyond the pale."

"And the great hope of your family and you, the manoeuvre best suited to overturning the deadlock with the Takuma line, is marriage." Reiko narrowed her eyes. "Marriage to a man unlike Masato, a marriage to an individual manifestly and totally committed to business is better. In that way, two generations of females becomes one, and considering Kazuho is begrudged a limited respect, it would be sufficient. Or so it would seem. Prince and princess, no?"

"Unfortunately, that's not how my family thinks," Chikane said sternly. "Compromising my independence like that would only weaken us, since I'd have to struggle against my own spouse for control. For Okasama's part as well, this has always been a battle we intend to win on our own terms. Don't think we haven't already considered such things."

"Good. Dramatic." Reiko wrote swiftly. "But marriage is still necessary. That is something that must come, be the man strong or weak…"

"That is the Himemiya's belief," Miyako said. "Though you can deny it, that would be to the detriment of your position. If you can overcome Takuma with a handicap, by all means go ahead, but you're not in that situation. Be the man weak or strong, the man is necessary. Isn't that so?"

"That's… different," Chikane-chan said. "A distant matter that has nothing to do with this situation."

"Of course, if you don't have any long-term aspirations, that's fine," Miyako said, smiling. "Tsubasa-sama is not inconsiderate. Two months would be fine, wouldn't it? Or six? Teenagers would be pressed to get that far… though are you even far enough to talk about this at all, I wonder?"

"This isn't a situation where you can talk terms!" Souma said defiantly. "Don't screw with us!"

"And of course, you could always hide her in shadows and keep her as a mistress," Tsubasa said, smirking. "Then and now, if you have both, one or the other must suffer. If you can act in that ugly way, it would be enough for you two, perhaps. But what I'm preaching is only the reality of your situation in any case. That family of yours is a great, blooming, spreading weakness, a vulnerability no one else here possesses. You know full well that simply being near that girl violates it. Are you still going to be naïve about this?"

The big guy frowned, bringing his hands together. "Ah! I have it!" There was a sudden pause. "The motorbike! I was hit by a motorbike." He scratched the back of his head in puzzlement. "What the hell does that mean, though? I think it hurt…"

"I didn't ask you to police my decisions," Chikane-chan said eventually. "I'll take responsibility for them myself, but that has nothing to do with you. It's not leverage."

"It is. Since we can also act." Tsubasa stood, walking forwards. "There are plenty of people who'd like to know what we know. The further you go, the more steps you take, the more we have to say." He spread his hands wide, looking inordinately cheerful. "Isn't that the essence of leverage? Or rather, a way for you to dig your own hole."

"My family doesn't address criminals and petty thugs," Chikane-chan said.

"I address who I please. I'm not alone." Tsubasa chuckled. "Of course, you're right. I couldn't get very far just with this. But how many steps can you take, how far can you go? I'm curious to see how much you're willing to stake."

"We can act against you, too," Souma said. "The fire and the sword, that too-"

"I'm hurt." Tsubasa chuckled. "And there's no proof at all. Isn't it curious that Himemiya is more likely to be cornered in this situation? Such unnecessary restrictions, family… be it one father or a surrogate, I don't have any regrets."

"Our parents and hers aren't something that can be compared," Souma said sharply. "She has a real family."

"Um," I began weakly. "Can I say something-"

Corona sighed. "I never thought I'd agree with that bastard… what's wrong, Eighth? That face is delightfully torn. Are you really that half-assed?"

I blinked in surprise, looking at Chikane-chan. She was looking down at the ground, her expression twisted with frustration. A moment later she snapped forwards, her head shooting up. "Don't you dare go near my family!" she said coldly, stopping in front of Tsubasa. "I won't ever forgive you. Whatever you heap on me, I can bear. If your cowardice is that great, though, I won't even try to hold myself back."

"Um," I repeated, trying vainly to attract some attention.

"Good words!" Tsubasa said. "How far are you going to go, Himemiya? Show me!"

"I won't let it come to that," Souma said, forcing himself in-between them.

"Would everyone please listen to me!" I screamed.

There was another silence, but this one was far louder. I was very conscious of everyone suddenly staring at me.

I opened a suddenly dry mouth, feeling a lot less intelligent than I had done three seconds ago. "Um, that is to say, why don't talk about this? Or rather, I have an idea."

Tsubasa's expression resolved from surprise into his usual scorn. "Oh? I'm curious. A tea party?"

"Whatever we do here and now is of less concern to you," I said weakly. "At least, compared to what we do in the long term. That's a change from what you said before, and how you acted before, so in a way you've made a concession… I think it's only fair we respect that."

"Himeko," Souma said warningly. "You shouldn't-"

"But Chikane-chan's family has nothing to do with this," I said, overriding him. "And it's unfair to her especially because we're discussing something that hasn't been resolved. More than that, this isn't the situation where I'd like to do it." I frowned as best I could. "Though I'm tempted to kiss her now to be contrary, I'm not falling into reacting to your actions… this is too important for that… that's why I want to negotiate on my own terms. With Chikane-chan, as well."

"Interesting," Tsubasa said, looking up at me with a new attention. "Interesting! It seems you aren't content to stand behind them, after all."

Chikane-chan gave me a very curious look. "Is there something to negotiate?"

"There is," I said, hoping there was. Can I really trust myself with something this important? "Time. We can discuss that. If you give us time, time to ourselves to decide our own priorities, at the end of that time we can decide. And you can decide, as well." I narrowed my eyes. "Of course, you can't act against us while we're deciding. But in return, we can answer you clearly. At that point, we can talk again, can't we?"

"A reprise for you, with nothing we receive," Tsubasa said. He looked thoroughly amused. "Even if I don't move for the Himemiya, acting against you is just polite in this situation. A test of faith or two would be all to the good in clarifying your mind."

"I can't say anything more than that," I said. "The rest isn't mine to say. Whatever Chikane-chan decides, either way, I'll accept it. After going this far, I'm not in any position to object."

Chikane-chan gave me a very long look, her expression ambiguous. Then she took a deep breath, looking down for a few moments. Finally, she turned to face Tsubasa. "I'll accept it. If I make things clear enough for you to take action, that's my concession, isn't it? Whether I leave Himeko or maintain her in the shadows, the former is to your advantage and the latter would leave you free to act against me. And if I decide to live with her by my side, I'd… settle everything myself, at that time. That's enough."

Tsubasa chuckled. "And if you remain 'just friends'? Isn't that a position prone to lapse?"

"I've learned my lesson from last time," Chikane-chan said, her voice straightjacketed. "That's why I'm going to have to go very far, and say something that may be unforgivable…" Her head fell silently. "But that option won't exist. If that's the decision, I don't think I can stay by her side myself. That will also be an ending."

I blinked rapidly, hit by the enormity of what she'd just said. Something like that… how could I accept something like that, if that was my honest answer…

"That's too reckless!" Souma snapped, turning to glare at her. "What are you doing, Himemiya? Haven't you any consideration for Himeko's feelings?"

"That's not the only thing on the line," Chikane shot back. "For my part, too… and it's my family, my situation, I'm risking all of that here. I'm not happy with that, either." She turned to look at me. "But this needs both our consent, doesn't it? For both parts."

"I," I began weakly. "I'll… accept it. I know this much, that what I've asked of you isn't easy either. So… fine. Maybe it's for the best."

"And for my part, too," Chikane-chan said. "I'll admit, I have something important to decide myself."

Souma frowned, returning his gaze. "What are you going to do, Nii-san?"

Tsubasa closed his eyes for a few moments, before opening them. "One month."

"Six," Chikane-chan shot back.

"Two is plenty, believe me," Corona said. "You can do a lot of stuff in that kinda time."

"Just coming to this agreement is more than I can accept," Souma said. "But it's out of my hands. Time's needed for this, four months is nothing at all."

"Three," I said simply, before Tsubasa could say anything. I rubbed the back of my head. "Um, that's a quarter of a year, right? It's almost a round number."

Tsubasa looked at me then grabbed the hilt of his sword. "Fine. Three months to the day you can meet us here, and at that time I'll hear what you have to say. If you haven't learned wisdom in that time, though, I'll go all out. And for now I'll be watching."

"Watch away. Even so, I'll settle things calmly." Chikane-chan turned away. "That's all."


	35. Chapter 35

**Chains of Memory: Part 35**

Today's chapter is not so much a chapter as a montage, but never mind. Doing something different every now and then is interesting for me.

And to touch briefly on why the Orochi aren't simply ignored, that would be easier if it wasn't for Chikane's circumstances. In particular, the fact that she's seen as 'Vice-President' in a rather more cliquish presidental race than the current American one... but in either, a supposed lesbian VP wouldn't help. Not that Palin is a lesbian or anything, as entertaining as the notion remains.

**

* * *

**"_It's been a while. I assume you are well?"_

I smiled thinly, tapping my hand against the table. "Yes, ka-sama. I assume you're in the same position?"

"_To a degree. Most likely, I'll be moving into Tokyo two weeks from tomorrow at the latest, all things being well. Perhaps before that. Of course, something may turn up in the meantime, but it's an aim to consider."_

I nodded. "For Eikou-sama's sake?"

"_Among other things. I also have wider politics to consider. If I need him, it's also necessary to demonstrate he's not indispensable. Lobbying on the Himemiya's behalf isn't something limited to him alone."_

"Isn't that dangerous?" I said cautiously. "If we need his support, wouldn't threatening his position drive him away?"

"_Eikou is the kind of man who isn't interested in our feud one way or another, something you found, as well. But he's very sensitive to the interests of his family. At the least, this will force his hand. Takuma has also treated him softly as well, out of deference to his role. Ironically, it's the most ruthless of us who is most likely to gain his support… otherwise he'd simply wait until the last moment and declare for the obvious winner. That's the kind of man Eikou is."_

"I see." I looked down at the table. "So… if he believes his position is secure whoever takes over, he wouldn't move, but if he thought one side considered him redundant he'd be more tempted to move with them to shore up his position. But won't he be equally be inclined to move to Takuma, if we move first?"

"_It's conceivable. That wouldn't be an impossible outcome. I've already prepared for that possibility, insofar as I'm ready to relocate Susumu to Tokyo, if need be. But I'd also indicate to Eikou that before that point, he can move to me, and my position isn't simply one of maintaining his current status, should I become head. Eikou is talented, and would be privileged accordingly."_

"Is he going to credit that?" I asked. "We aren't short of branch members we've promised higher status."

"_Of course. In Eikou's case, I even mean it… but that's another cause for decisiveness. He'll understand clearly that my deliverance will be in accordance with my convenience rather than my promises. Or simply put, to those most useful to me. It's another way to galvanise him."_

I nodded slightly. "I understand." As ever, mother thinks many steps ahead. "You're moving in a strong direction."

"_Keihanshin is now a settled business, so my focus has changed, that's all. I've never intended to hold back. If Takuma imagines this will be gentle, he'll see how mistaken he is from now on in. But we're not moving against Shuusei-sama. Remember that."_

"Yes. Of course." I looked down at the table, feeling guilty. Mother always works so hard, and she's always planned this, step by step. While she fights her battles I've been playing around here with Himeko, and lost sight of our purpose. "Is there anything I can do to assist you?"

"_For now, it's best if you simply take your time and learn what you can. Dabbling is fine, but we want people to consider you a talented and focused person. Once university is finished with, your role will change. Of course, the situation will alter radically depending on Shuusei's health. If he begins to fail I'll be needed there, I'll need you to move for me here."_

"Yes. Until that day, I'll continue my studies."

Does she want that to happen? I'm sure it's something mother assesses in terms of strategy, not emotion. That's the degree of the rift between them, something I can't understand at all.

"_I wasn't supposed to talk about these things, though. Your father will scold me. How have you been? Is university interesting?"_

"It's interesting enough," I said. "Studying to this depth is a fascinating experience, but everything becomes routine after a time."

"_Quite. I heard you had some romantic problem?"_

"That's resolved," I said, picking my words carefully. Mother always knows, as it were. "In a positive sense, though with reservations. These things are more complicated than I had imagined."

"_Of course. But trust your judgement. There's a fallacy in setting romance either aside or above; it's no different from any other relationship you develop, insofar as it relies on mutual interest, mutual interests and acceptance of differences. The intensity is generally higher and sex muddles things, but that's not to be set one way or the other either. Act decisively and with full trust in your judgement. You aren't someone who should ever lose control of the situation."_

I smiled. "Somehow I doubt you were quite so decisive with father. If things are that easy, it doesn't really sound like love."

"_On the contrary, confidence is love, and it isn't easy. Relaxing can follow after, but the more difficult a situation, the more important it is to brazen through it. That is what I did with Masato."_

I closed my eyes, trying not to speculate too much. Just occasionally I wish mother was less the product of a whirlwind and a battletank. "I see. I'll bear your advice in mind."

"_Confidence helps in bed, too. Men like it. In any case, I'll leave the rest to you. How is your kenjutsu? I heard your dojo was challenged."_

"I'm surprised," I said, very glad for the change of topic. "You have very good hearing."

"_Not really. It came to my PA's attention, apparently a friend of hers follows these things. A fairly vicarious hobby. Following these things, that is, not the challenge. That's merely crass."_

"I'm flattered by the intention. In any case, he left quietly enough," I said weakly. "If he's someone I could match, then Yagami-sensei was never threatened to begin with."

"_Quite. Not just anyone could challenge you, though. I'm glad you saw him off, such people should be taught some manners."_

"That was my feeling as well."

"_Apparently he was challenging all sorts of people. I shouldn't gossip, though, it's a bad habit. That woman will ruin me in that respect, but I suppose I pay her for it… but never mind. If I'm talking about myself, it's a bad sign. I have a meeting in twenty minutes, so I'd better prepare."_

"I'll leave you to do that," I said. "I'll look forwards to your visit."

"_Of course. Likewise. Until then."_

"Bye."

She rang off, and I sighed. It's a bad sign for my part, too. I should have more to say. But I'm preoccupied, far more than I should be.

Well, I have enough to think about.

* * *

I looked uncertainly at a rack of white blouses, searching for one in my size. Finally I located one, pulling it out and holding it against me. "What do you think? I kinda like it. But do the frills make it seem childish?"

"I don't know," Mako-chan said. "You know, I've never taken too much interest in clothes. Nor have you, come to that." She smirked at me. "Isn't this behaviour just a little too typical?"

"It's nothing like that," I said defensively. "We didn't bring much, and so I've been wearing the same thing over and over. It's embarrassing at university."

"That's probably not what you're worried about," Mako-chan said, sighing. "But I'll let it be. It's not bad, by the way. Childish is good. It suits you."

"I'm not sure whether that's supposed to be a compliment or not," I said, returning it to the rack and looking around for something else. It was really hard to decide. I wanted something nice, but I don't have any confidence about clothes, after all.

"Why don't you just phone her up and ask her? Chikane." Mako-chan stuck her hands in her pockets, shrugging. "I'm sure she'd meet you."

"That's not the point," I said. "And besides, right now she's busy with Kyudo."

Mako-chan snorted. "Have you memorised her timetable or what?"

"Not really. She just mentions these things when she phones." I sighed, trying to avoid things with writing. They don't suit me at all. "She's doing Kyudo today since tomorrow we're going to the zoo. I should know this much, at least, considering the situation."

"The situation?"

"I'm always interrupting her important work." I pulled out a lilac blouse, looking down at it. It wasn't really my colour. It'd go well with Chikane-chan, though.

"She does that herself. You don't need to feel responsible, you know."

"Maybe. But I want to feel responsible," I said idly.

Mako-chan sighed. "Well, I know that's not new." She stretched. "Why not Souma? I'm sure he'd love to help."

"If you want to go back, just say it," I said. The yellow T-shirt was nice, too. "I wouldn't mind. But you're the only one I feel comfortable about doing these things with."

"When you put it that way, I have no choice at all," Mako-chan groused. "Fine, fine. But after this, we're going to look at running shoes again."

"Again?"

"Again. No excuses."

I nodded morosely, caught in an agony of indecision. And this was just one shop; I could look at the others, as well… "What do you think? This one, or the white frills?"

"Why not buy both?" Mako-chan suggested. "You're only going to agonise over this, and if you by one you'd say you should have brought the other later. So agonise at home."

"I can't wear both, though," I said. "That doesn't help at all."

"Well, what are you trying to do?" Mako-chan asked. "Look cute, or look sexy?"

"Uhm," I said, blushing slightly. "I don't know. It's not too important, right?"

"It might be important, depending on what you're trying to achieve." Mako-chan looked at my evasive expression and sighed. "So you're planning everything but the most important thing."

"It'll turn out, somehow," I said, trying to sound cheerful.

"Well, if it's you, you can probably get away with waiting for her or… whatever it is you're trying to do." Mako-chan shrugged. "But take both anyway. I don't want to have to come here every single time."

"That… makes sense," I said, going to find the other blouse. I've been concentrating so much on tomorrow that I'd forgotten there's probably going to be times after it. No, there will be times after it, whatever else happens.

"Is this really okay?"

I blinked, stopping and turning to look at her. "What is?"

"This." Mako-chan looked at me, her expression serious. "Not the clothes shopping, I mean. But you shouldn't let yourself be pressured into anything."

"I'm not," I said sharply. "Chikane-chan would never do anything like that."

"I wonder about that," Mako-chan said quietly. "She's headstrong, and the kind of person who gets what she wants. I'm not saying she's a bad person, or that it's deliberate… but she's herself, and you're yourself. That's why I'm worried."

"I'm fine," I said, walking towards the skirt section. "You don't need to worry about me."

"Even if you say that…"

"Because I haven't decided? I'm doing this because I haven't decided," I said, looking down. "Though I don't have confidence, it's still what I need to do. And I am certain about that."

"That will have to do. Well, have fun, too."

"I will." My stomach twisted slightly at the thought of tomorrow. Even though we've seen each other so many times, the feeling this time is completely different. I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

But buying new clothes helped. And then when we were walking back Mako-chan stopped me in front of another store, and I ended up buying a camera. If I can change myself in small ways, that will help for the important things, as well. At least I hope so.

* * *

Otoha-san slowly unwound my bandages, letting my hair fall back into place. I looked anxiously into the mirror, holding my breath. "How is it?" I asked.

"Mm. It's healed." Otoha-san touched the back of my head to reinforce the point. "There's no need to bandage it any more. Of course, you shouldn't hit yourself there again, but I suspect that goes without saying."

"Of course. And my limbs are aching less, too." I smiled wanly. "I still don't acknowledge your notion that that was only my fault. I had no choice."

"Fighting on an injury wasn't sensible to begin with," Otoha-san chided, binning my bandages. "I should have made you stay home."

"I got away with it. I just got carried away in the heat of the moment." I touched my cheek thoughtfully. "I won't let that happen again."

"I wish I could believe that," Otoha-san observed. "In any case, I'll leave you so you can shower. After that, I'll wash your hair."

I nodded gratefully at her trust. "Thank you."

She nodded, retreating to my room. Alone again, I stepped forwards and turned on the water. Cold water washed over my naked skin, making me shiver, before gradually heating up. My hair was dragged down, obscuring my eyes before I gingerly pushed it aside.

My breath was steady and my mind clear. It was just… normal. I can appreciate that now.

And tomorrow- tomorrow is a significant day. It came sooner than I expected, and when it came it meant more than I had intended. I can thank the Orochi for that much, at least. If I can spin out this game of Himeko's in the right way, it'll be to my advantage, whatever they do. Not just playing around, but we've committed to… commitment. We're going to make a decision, one way or another. And more than that, the time limit will force her to decide, and in that time I can use it as an excuse to see her as much as I can safely contrive. Mother's right, though it's her politics I found more useful than her romantic advice. A situation can't be resolved in amicable circumstances, not that cleanly or easily. Even if it's hard to bear, tension is necessary to force an issue. And of course, whether it's her politics or my best shot at Himeko, we don't intend for there to be a chance of an adverse conclusion.

Or so I'd like to say, with that confidence, anyway. The reality is this isn't an ordinary romantic situation. I don't know whether it's even possible to realise my desires. But… Ame No Murakumo didn't choose us for nothing. Though I don't want this to be destined, exactly, I do want for there to be a chance.

I washed myself thoroughly, trying to dismiss such thoughts. There's no meaning in negativity. It's exactly as they say, mother and father. Be proactive, there's nothing more anyone can do but that. Well, that and dressing well, but I do have Otoha-san. And I'd have been more comfortable if I'd had more chance to research the layout of the zoo. And I really, really should have read that manga she likes by now, so I could talk about that. Maybe I'll do that later. And I haven't actually checked the weather forecasts yet, but I'll do that as well. It probably won't rain, but it's good to be sure. And-

I sighed. Decisiveness isn't the same as controlling everything. Perhaps I should just stop thinking at all.

Finally, I stepped out of the shower. "I'm out."

Otoha-san returned with towels, ready to facilitate in the troublingly substantial task of washing my hair. There was so much to wash, after all. "A full wash, I take it?"

"If you please. I want to look my best for tomorrow," I said.

"I understand." Otoha-san rolled up her sleeves and began to apply the shampoo. "I'll laid out the clothes you've requested. Will you be wearing your hair down or in a ponytail?"

I frowned slightly. "What would you suggest?"

"A ponytail could be novel. But if you're more comfortable as you are that's fine as well. Either way, it's not an activity where your hair will inhibit you."

"Of course." I wiped the mirror idly, exposing my face again. "And my headband? Should I wear that? I'm beginning to wonder if they're too childish for my age."

"I see. Well, it's your choice, of course. But I think they suit you."

"I suppose so," I said cautiously, looking down at my hand. Himeko isn't just anyone, either. Perhaps looking a little childish is to my advantage.

Otoha-san paused for a moment. "Ojou-sama, can I ask something personal? There's no need to answer, of course."

"Go ahead," I said, slightly surprised. "You know you can say anything to me."

"How far do you intend to take this?" Otoha-san asked.

"I- don't know. Further than this." I looked at myself. "Possibly as far as I can make it go. But I'm aware of the dangers, as well."

"Of course, I'm your confidant. I won't tell anyone about this, not even Kazuho-sama and Masato-sama." Otoha-san continued as she spoke. "But you should be careful. Rumour has a power of its own, with nothing akin to fact. Not least because there are those with cause to tar you anything they can make stick."

My heart leapt for a moment before stabilising. Not them. "Takuma-sama is an honourable person," I said. "He wouldn't stoop to something so low."

"Of course. But the integrity of his subordinates is less certain. Well, it's also true that they're a long way from here." Otoha-san shrugged behind me, still focused on her work. "Needless to say, this should not come to the attention of Eikou-sama, or even that of his family."

"I know. I don't intend to be flamboyant. Nor is there anything to be flamboyant to be about, right now. It isn't a problem."

"That's fine. In any case, you're still young. You have time."

"Of course," I said rather warily. A holiday from the proper course of my life… as if I could think of that as this. But I also remember something mother said once. 'We have subordinates so they can be unscrupulous on our behalf.' It's not impossible that such a rumour could reach Shuusei-sama, if only could come to exist at all.

I will walk a path between my conflicting intentions, Himeko and my family. But as I walk the stakes get higher and the dangers greater on both sides, as well. I don't know if this is something I can do forever.

* * *

"_Ah, great timing!"_

_I look around, blinking as I adjusted myself to the rose garden. Here again. And Bishop actually looked enthusiastic. "Good evening."_

"_Good evening." Bishop smiles at me. "This is good. There's someone I want you to meet, now that she's turned up again."_

"_Ah, really?" I say, trying to feign interest. "Actually, I was wondering about some other things…"_

"_This is really good, though. The other things don't run away, so we really shouldn't linger like this." Bishop sighs. "You're in charge, though, sadly. What is it?"_

"_Um… did you ever go on something like a date with Chikane-chan?" I ask._

"_No. Is there anything else?"_

_I open my mouth, before stopping at her expression. I get the idea, and in any case, I shouldn't feel naturally entitled to boss her around. Whatever she may be. "Never mind. What do you want to show me?"_

"_The First." Bishop gestures and the landscape dissolves. We return to a field of grass within Mahoroba. If I recall correctly, I stumbled here once with Souma, when we young. There's no sign of him here, though. _

_What there is another I. This one is dressed in my red robes, not the purple, and is wearing a strange mask I don't recognise. My sword is looped into her obi, and when I look, Bishop's sword has gone. She doesn't acknowledge us, though. I glance at Bishop. "Who is she? I don't remember anything like that."_

"_This is the First, the original Solar Miko Himeko who served Ame No Murakumo. The two Firsts are wanderers around here, going where they please. They only rarely arrive in places we can visit." Bishop looks at her. "She's someone worthy of our respect. You should approach her."_

"_What? Why me?" I pout. "Especially now you've made it sound so scary, shouldn't you do it?"_

"_You're the one who could find useful things to ask her. Besides, your status is higher than my own."_

_I pout in confusion. "Really? It doesn't seem like that at all."_

"_Just go." Bishop smiles kindly. "It may even help you."_

_I nod uncertainly, turning my head and approaching the… First. She tilts her head towards me and I come to a stop. That mask is scary. "Umm. Good evening. I'm Himeko Kurusugawa. The one currently alive, I guess."_

"_It's a pleasure. You probably already know me. In any case, it's fascinating to meet the one who currently holds dominion." _

"_Nice to meet you," I say, bowing. I look up uneasily at the mask. "Ah, do you really need to wear that?"_

"_This troubles you?" she asks, gesturing._

"_No, troubles is too strong a word," I say, struggling to keep up with her accent. When I think about it, it's more than amazing we can talk at all._

_She takes the mask off, and the face that looks up at me is exactly me. Just like all the others. I'm almost disappointed by that, I'd imagined she'd be older, or maybe have a cool scar. But I suppose our destiny doesn't require us to grow old…_

"_You have a soft face," the First says after a moment._

"_Thanks," I say, bemused._

"_So you really do live in a peaceful era. It's strange indeed. In one thousand years, and nine forms in that time, I'm given to understand there's never been an unnecessary moment we were called." The First smiles. "It isn't a bad thought. I won't ask you about your world, though. I've long since given up on following the changes of the times. They only confuse and offend me now."_

"_You're pretty talkative," I say, rubbing the back of my neck. "That's… surprising. Um, that's to say, Bishop said you were a really amazing person."_

"_Not really. No more than you." The First adjusts her mask, holding it on her lap. "In any case, you should ask questions, instead. I exist, insofar as this can be called existence, exclusively to answer your queries and lend you my power, so I should at least permit my duty to be discharged once in a while."_

"_I see." I sat down next to her. "I don't really have much to ask, though. Like you said, I'm not being attacked by anything."_

"_A peaceful existence."_

_I sigh. "Um. For one, if you don't mind… do you love Chikane-chan… I mean, your Chikane Himemiya."_

"_Of course. I have the strongest affection for Himemiya-dono."_

"_I see." I glance curiously at her. "But one of you had to kill the other, right? Wasn't that horrible?"_

"_It was. But it was Ame No Murakumo's will," the First says simply, speaking with finality. "With regret and pride we completed our duty. That's one of many things forgotten in your latter days."_

"_It can't be helped. We don't belong to your world." I look away. "I don't know for her if I love her, and even if I do, it's only going to be hard. She has to worry about her family, and society would only ever be against us. I'm sure your experience was the same, but… we don't die young. Burning out bright, Chikane-chan can't afford to be reckless like that."_

"_So young. We were hunted by the Emperor's armies for fifteen months before the end."_

_I blink. "Okay, you have me beat."_

"_I nonetheless understand the difficulty of your position. But it's a matter of conviction."_

"_Conviction," I echo uncertainly._

"_Everything comes to a single decision. At that point you must be pure and cold and strong, a stern blade. If you wish to violate the spirit of a time, there would be sacrifices to be borne without regret. Nothing worthwhile is free of proof of worth, that selfsame sacrifice." The First closes her eyes. "That is also why I allowed myself to die at that time. Only by acceptance and responsibility could Himemiya-dono find the conviction to do what was necessary, and the forgiveness to live with herself thereafter."_

"_I see. You're right, I suppose." I look down at my hand. "Whatever I decide, it has to be my own decision. And everyone has to know that… especially Chikane-chan."_

"_Of course. I will follow your affairs hereafter." The First puts on her mask. "And call me if you need my power. I am strong."_

"_I will," I say, mostly to placate her. She ripples and disappears, leaving the land around me intact. Leaving me with my thoughts._

* * *

Why do I keep coming back here? It's not really something I can put into words, even to myself. This place is close enough to where Himeko and Saotome are, but I don't visit them as often now. I visit this place more. Perhaps because I feel redundant now. Or perhaps it's more small-minded and jealous than that. Because I know Himeko is only thinking about Himemiya and worrying about her and what they should do, and I don't have any good advice to give, or any stomach for giving it. I'm no homophobe, that isn't the problem. And I've got past what Himemiya did in her last life, as well. That and this our different… more importantly, what I did in this life was fairly bad as well. Trying to control and manipulate Himeko to what we think is best, her method was far worse than mine but our ends were the same. The same arrogance. But I don't like Himemiya, and I do like Himeko. That's the problem.

All of that is what he'd say to me, so none of it what I'll say to him. He only sees problems as weaknesses, to be exploited coldly and cruelly not to teach a lesson but for its own sake.

Even so, I'm going to see him. And I don't know why.

"Again?" Tsubasa glanced up at me, his ever-present smirk solidifying around his lips. "I thought yesterday's meeting was supposed to be something final. Or are you playing double agent some more?"

"I think we both know that didn't settle anything, not for good." I looked down at him. "What are you going to do, Nii-san?"

"It's interesting. I'll let them play."

"Really?" I said, feeling slightly incredulous.

"Yes, really." Tsubasa glanced at me. "Reiko will watch them in her own way, since she's finally interested. Miyako, too. But for my part, I've decided on a change of scene."

"You have?" I said. "Where are you going?" I was surprised at my own ambivalent reaction. No matter what, if Tsubasa was away from Himeko, that was good, right?

"North," Tsubasa said. "To Tohoku, where there are vast tracts of agricultural land, and in defiance of the age one great estate has withstood changing times, just as it has adapted to them… one of great interest to me." He smirked at my expression. "You haven't worked it out? The Himemiya, a thousand year-old family, weren't investment bankers in ages gone by."

"You said you wouldn't involve yourself in Himemiya's family," I said.

"Don't worry. It's just tourism," Tsubasa said idly. "Tourism is very good there. Besides, I do intend to keep that pact, if only to watch them squirm at the end of it. I wonder if they'll be so honourable, hmm?"

"Himeko was seriously trying to come to an agreement with you," I said. "Even though you've given them nothing but grief, and no reason for you to be owed anything at all… she'll stick be it, and I'll make you do the same."

"Scary. Your mind really does stop working when it's that girl, though." Tsubasa put his hands behind his head. "Luckily for her I do like games. She's so foolish it's not her I doubt, but Himemiya. Even so, she's constrained by more than just time. Family… is never anything but trouble."

"Himemiya's honourable," I said.

"That's not the word I'd use," Tsubasa said. "You should know, after all, how honourably she can act."

"That was- different," I said lamely.

"Worry about her before me, if it's the golden-haired one you want to protect. Himemiya will have her way, no matter what."

"You said it yourself," I shot back. "This is a destined love."

"Of course." Tsubasa raised his eyebrows. "And that _helps _issues of consent, now?"

"I'll take care of it," I said. "But Himemiya is essentially good-willed. That's more than I know of you."

"Perhaps. That's just her hypocrisy, though." Tsubasa smirked at my expression. "In any case, I'm leaving tomorrow. You won't be able to contact me just by dropping yourself here any more."

"Don't you have a mobile?" I asked.

"Do I look like a man with need for such nonsense?"

"Don't even try it." I stared hard at him. "I know well, that Miyako and Reiko at least will be able to contact you. You'll want to know what they know, even if you're in Tohoku. Especially if it concerns the Himemiya, where you're going."

"Then tell them to tell me. You can even ask nicely." Tsubasa stood, stretching. "Or you can come with me."

"Come with you?" I blinked. "It's the middle of term, and I don't have much money, there's no way I could just do that."

"Of course. You're bound up." Tsubasa walked past me. "Next time you ask me why I live as I do, remember this… responsibility, aspiration, commitment, they're nice words to guild a cage. You're wiser, but I'm freer."

"Free to mooch off Miyako for money, anyway," I pointed out sourly.

"I pay my own way. There's someone in every age who needs my talents, even this modern world." Tsubasa stopped, glancing back at me and smirking. "I'll be taking Girochi. He's going to do something stupid tomorrow, and I'm going to add excitement to my trip by saving him from it. It should guarantee some interesting moments."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. "Does it involve Himeko?"

"They won't be harmed," Tsubasa said idly. "The Miko." He lit a cigarette as he walked. "I told you it was stupid, after all."


	36. Chapter 36

**Chains of Memory: Chapter 36**

I looked down at my phone, frowning slightly. No, it's only been two minutes. There's no need to sound worried, or desperate. She'd only apologise earnestly.

A separate, but a related question… what exactly am I doing? Even though I'm very apprehensive about all of this, even thought it went badly last time and could trouble me in this life- not just me, but my family as well, the very reason I've been struggling all my life to be something more than what comes naturally to me, through all that I still- I still asked for this. And twisted it, and forced it, calculating so that she's as obliged to do as I wish as I can contrive, and taking my parents advice to heart as support for all of this… that's the situation. I don't really understand, nor can I feel secure, about what I'm doing right now. I'm almost sure, intellectually; it's a bad idea. But I can't stop. So I'll just have to go ahead. There's nothing else for it.

And I stood and waited, fidgeting idly with my pendant. After ten minutes, she arrived at a run, stopping in front of me and panting for breath. "Good morning," she managed her face red.

"Good morning," I said, giving her a slightly bemused look. "You didn't have to run, you know."

"I didn't want to keep you waiting," Himeko said, straightening slightly and pulling her hair out of her face. Liquid purple eyes looked at me with vivacity. And in her dark skirt and a frilly blouse, she looked… cute. She can look cute in ways I never can. Her beauty's warm. "And I got up early, as well. I never have any luck with trains."

I blinked, focusing again. "I see. That's too bad. But you're here now, at least."

Himeko nodded. "I have the food, as well. We can eat it later."

"Thank you. Otoha-san put in something, as well." I smiled. "It's a little nostalgic, isn't it? Our first proper meeting went something like this, as well."

Himeko nodded. "How long ago was that? A month?"

"Less than that, I think. Three weeks?"

"Really?" Himeko asked, rubbing the back of her head in embarrassment. "That's a surprise. It feels like a lot longer. A lot of stuff has happened."

"That's an understatement." I held her gaze. "Well, it hasn't all been bad… and we're here now, as well."

"Right." Himeko nodded, smiling at me. "Shall we go in?"

I nodded, joining the queue at the back. It was pretty crowded, even this early in the morning. "It would have been nice to go on a weekday," I said wistfully. "But that's impossible, after all."

Himeko nodded. "How was your Kyudo? I hope they didn't mind."

"They didn't mind at all. You don't have to worry about that." I pulled out my phone and turned it off, before returning it to my pocket. No need to be interrupted. "Apparently my form is improving, which is all to the good. How about you? Is your work going well?"

"I manage," Himeko said delicately. "Somehow. Apparently, my first essay was so-so. I guess I'll get better eventually."

I nodded. "Of course. It's about practise." I neglected to mention the three apparently excellent essays I'd written.

"I suppose so. I'll keep working at it." Himeko gave me a slightly nervous look. "And, um, I know we've talked about this before, but that agreement-"

"Let's not talk about it." I looked at her, smiling. "The Orochi, our pasts, Ame no Murakumo, other people… all of it. Let's just forget that for today. I want to talk to you about the things we can call our own, if you know what I mean."

Himeko nodded. "Yes. I guess that's best, actually."

"Right? This and that are only tangentially connected." I looked around, humming with impatience. The line was crawling forwards, and now there were plenty of people behind us as well. Mostly families and tourists. "I take it Saotome and Ogami are well?"

"Of course. They say hi." Himeko looked playfully at me. "That's not really about me, though."

"I suppose so," I said weakly. "By the way, I read the manga. Was that, uh, us?"

"More or less. That probably violates the rule as well. But it's a good manga, whatever Reiko's inspiration." Himeko smiled. "I'd have been better off not knowing who she is, or what she's like. She's not so much bad or good as just a calculating person."

"But a good artist," I said. "Does she do all her own work? Or does she have assistants? I'm no expert on these things."

"I think she does her own work," Himeko said. "As far as I can tell, she just works from that flat. That's what her rare interviews say, too." She glanced at me. "Did you know? She's rooming with Corona-chan."

"Who is that?" I asked weakly.

"Ah, um… which number…" Himeko counted through on her fingers. "Fifth? Or maybe Sixth. One of the Orochi, you know. She was the one with brown hair who kept making rude comments, sitting next to Reiko."

"I see. Corona-chan, is it?" I felt vaguely guilty about not knowing, or even thinking of knowing, her name. In my last life they'd been just those numbers, and I'd just killed them. Even in this one they were only my enemies. "I suppose they have to eat and sleep and so on, just like anyone else."

"Right? I think they're pretty normal, really." Himeko frowned. "Well, maybe not normal, but you know… about as normal as we are."

"I'm not sure we can call ourselves normal," I observed.

"Right? It's a really strange feeling." Himeko sighed. "I always thought I was a really ordinary kind of person. Just, maybe a little less lucky than most."

"And I thought of myself as a basically ordinary person who was uncomfortably more lucky than anyone else," I said. "It really is strange to think that's not true at all."

"You thought of yourself as ordinary?" Himeko glanced at me curiously. "But you're amazing, right? And from the Himemiya, and with your mother to think about and admire… if you're ordinary I'm really below the ordinary."

"I didn't mean it like that," I said hastily. "It's just… skills and talents are just things. Everyone really thinks of themselves as quite ordinary, I think, no matter what. And in the sense that we're all people, that's usually true." I glanced at her. "And insofar as I was thinking about you when we met for the first time, I didn't think of you as ordinary at all. In a good way, I mean."

Himeko looked down, blushing. "You shouldn't tease me."

"I'm not teasing you," I said. "I'm being deadly serious, you know."

Himeko glanced guardedly at me, as if trying to interpret my face. "Well, I felt really painfully ordinary at that time. Compared to you, it almost hurt. I didn't ever think I could really make you look at me."

I smiled. "You should have more confidence in yourself. The girl I remember, there's no way I could not be interested in her."

"Thank you." Himeko looked away. "You know, I've been think about that, though. When we first met."

"Really?"

"When I first saw you… at that time, I felt an amazingly warm feeling," Himeko said slowly. "I didn't really understand, but it was a comfort and a homecoming, something I'd been waiting for. It almost overwhelmed me."

"My feelings were similar," I admitted, looking around nervously. Maybe this wasn't the best place. But people seemed to be focused on their own conversations, to the exclusion of everything else.

"I thought that might have been my memories, and it's reassuring," Himeko said. "Since they were good memories. But then I also thought, that could have been something done by Ame no Murakumo… I don't know. If Tsubasa's right, it would be something like that. But that's just a scary thought, the idea that she can manipulate our feelings that easily."

"I'm not sure, but I don't think he'd do that." I paused. "It's a he, surely? It's a sword god. Or maybe it's an it, I suppose."

"I don't know why, but it's my intuition," Himeko said. "It just feels like a she, if you know what I mean."

"Hmm. I feel like it's a he, actually, but I couldn't tell you why I think that." We finally reached the ticket booths, so I pulled out my wallet and found the money. "Two adults, please."

"In any case, I don't think she's a bad person," Himeko said. "If you can call her a person. But she's definitely elevated above us, so much so you get that overwhelmingly intimidating feeling. That's why I could believe she'd do something like that… we must look so small to her."

I took the tickets, giving one to Himeko and leading her through. "I think that's why he wouldn't do something like that. But I don't have a logical reason for thinking that." We stepped out into the square, crowded with people. "That's Tsubasa's mistake. There isn't really anything we can know for sure, or anything we can do." I looked at her and she was looking at me, so I held her gaze for a moment. "The important thing is probably whether we are happy to call those feelings our own."

Himeko nodded. "You're right." She smiled, her hands lacing themselves together coyly. "I ended up talking about all the things I said I wouldn't, though, after all."

"Don't worry. So did I." I looked around, taking in our surroundings. "It's not as if I don't worry about these things either. From now on, we can try harder. But what do you want to see first?"

"What do you want to see today, is it?" Himeko said, with the air of quotation. "I don't mind too much, though. What do you think?"

I smiled. "If we go right and work our way up, we can see some interesting things. Especially the pandas."

Himeko nodded. "Okay. That's what I want to see, then."

We drifted right, looking at the pheasants and pigeons close by. They were fairly hard to spot, so I scrutinised the foliage carefully. "Pretty, aren't they?"

Himeko nodded, before taking her rucksack off her back and opening it. She took out a camera, straightening and holding it up. "Is it allowed?" she asked cautiously.

"I think so," I said. "Go ahead. Are you doing photography again, then?"

"Maybe. It depends. But I'll take a lot of photos today." Himeko adjusted the angle, frowning with concentration. "Almost… just stay there- ah!" She sighed as one of the pigeons shot upwards, landing on another branch. "They'll probably be motion blur. I'll take another."

"That's a film camera, right? I'm surprised. But digital ones are supposed to be worse for professionals, aren't they?"

"I wish I could say that was the reason," Himeko said lightly, lining up another shot. "But this is pretty cheap, too. It's more of a personal preference. In any case, I have several spare films, so I'll still be able to take a lot."

"I see," I said. I leaned against the fence, watching Himeko with interest. She didn't notice; what I could see of her face tight with concentration.

"Something… like that." Himeko took another photo, before putting the strap round her neck and letting the camera hang there, her pendant just above it. "By the way, digital cameras aren't necessarily worse for pros. It depends what you're doing."

"I see. That's interesting." I smiled. "My only experience with cameras was my father taking photos on holidays. Mother never really approved of that."

"Is she strict?" Himeko asked. "She sounds like an amazing person, so it must be tough for you."

"Well, normally she left that to father and my tutors," I said. "If she really was angry with me, though… I'd know it. She could be terrifying." I smiled at Himeko's ambivalent expression. "In a good way. Whatever mother asks of anyone else, she demands of herself threefold. But in this case, it wasn't that, she was just teasing him."

"I see." Himeko smiled. "It seems like an interesting family."

"Interesting is a diplomatic way of putting it," I said lightly. "We manage somehow."

Himeko stepped past me, leaning on the fence and looking into the cage again. "My parents- my actual parents, I don't really remember them that well. I wish I did. I'm sure they were good people, I remember that much."

I nodded awkwardly, looking sidelong at her. "How old were you when-"

"Eight." Himeko followed one of the pheasants with her eyes, her expression untroubled. "You'd think I'd be able to remember something at that age, but it all blurs. All I have is feelings and moments. A farm, I think. Mom taking me to the nursery, and I insisted on a pram until I was far too old because I was too lazy to walk. Painting, she encouraged me to do that. It was messy, though. I used to sit by the window and wait for dad to some home. Things like that." She grasped her pendant idly. "We had arguments, too. Or rather, I threw tantrums. Of course, I got scolded from time to time, and I hated school. But I still think I was happy at that time."

"I see," I said, trying to find words. I'm caught between several things. That I waited for mother, not father, to come home, but spent days without her and days became weeks as I grew older. But my parents are still alive. I can envy and pity her in the same moment. In either case, I don't know what to say. This isn't really my strongest point.

"They died in a bush crash while I was at school." Himeko glanced at me. "You don't need to feel sorry for me. It was a long time ago."

"I'm still sorry." I smiled awkwardly. "You're strong."

"That's not true at all. It would probably be stronger to mourn more with memories like this." Himeko let go of her pendant. "We've talked about this before, I know. But I just wanted to tell you."

"Thank you." I frowned uneasily, remembering my dream. In my last life, mother died, Takuma died… but in this life they're alive. But isn't it too cruel, her parents still dying here? That's not something I can say. It's not something I can ever say. _My parents lived where you died. And it's something that could have changed in this world._

"How about you?" Himeko said lightly. "Did they make you paint?"

"A little," I said. "I think they played me classical music when I was in the cradle, too. Rather typical, isn't it?"

Himeko giggled despite herself. "I… see. Evidently it worked, Chikane-chan."

"Not really. I can only play music for effect." I smiled. "I have one fond memory, though, of indoctrination that did work. Just occasionally, when she had the time, mother told me fairy stories. It was only when I was much older that I realised the prince was _supposed_ to fight the dragon and kiss the princess, rather than the princess fighting the dragon and dragging the sleeping prince back home over her shoulders."

"That's a little Chikane-like," Himeko said, looking amused.

"It's very Kazuho-like, when I think of my mother." I smiled. "Saying I was happy then is almost a given. But I think she was happy, too, when she was telling me those stories. I'm glad for that."

* * *

I took out the bento, putting them on the table in front of me and opening them. "Um. I hope it's okay."

"I'm sure it will be delicious." Chikane-chan smiled at me, taking her chopsticks and snapping them open. "Itadakimasu."

"You're welcome," I said, looking down at the table and opening my own chopsticks. It feels like this all has changed, somehow. Or maybe it's just me being weird. But it's odd that we can do the same things we've always done and yet it seems totally different to how those things were before…

I looked up at her curiously, relieved to see her eating. Her expression's as serene as ever, so it's difficult to tell what she's thinking.

"It's delicious," Chikane-chan said. "Otoha-san would approve, I think."

"Really?"

Chikane-chan nodded. "I'm sure."

"But when I think about it, it seems like an impossible standard," I said. "It's hard to compete with the fact that you eat amazing food like hers all the time…"

"Well, certainly Otoha-san is a good cook. Though she's not as good as my cook, now a long way away from here. And some of the other family members have much better cooks. Shuusei-sama has one of the best Japanese chefs in the world. Takuma-sama, on the other hand, has a world-class European chef. And my parents have only a so-so chef, though I would never say that to his face. They move around too much and take too little interest in food."

I winced. "Just as I thought…"

"Though I can never tell the difference between all three," Chikane-chan said. "But I definitely want to eat what you make me, as well. That's special in itself, since this is the first time anyone has made me food for my sake, without being employed to do it, or just buying me meals at a restaurant to curry favour. At that time as well, I think, the fact that you did this was important to me."

I blinked in surprise, flushing. "Thank you."

"Compared to that, there's not much I can do for you. All of my talents are attainments to show off, and useless things." Chikane-chan put her chin on her hand, looking at me. "Sorry, Himeko."

"Not at all," I said, waving my hands. "I don't really need anything like that. Besides, even for me, you're cool. The fact that you can do all those things."

"Cool?" Chikane-chan looked surprised for a moment, before smiling. "You think so? I was shooting for words closer to 'dignified' and 'elegant', they're the kind of thing I do all those things for."

I giggled. "I see… well, that too. But it's cool, as well."

"I'll be sure to tell that to Shuusei-sama." Chikane-chan blinked when I gave her a puzzled look. "That's my grandfather."

"I was wondering." I twisted a lock of my hair a little with my right hand. "You have a really big family, don't you?"

Chikane-chan nodded. "And Takuma-sama is Isato's father… no, never mind. I've probably talked too much about my family already."

"It's interesting, though." I picked out some rice, eating it carefully.

"Not really. As you go out, it just becomes fraught with politics." Chikane-chan sighed. "With Takuma-sama and his family and my own, it's in a Romeo and Juliet situation… luckily I won't have to marry Isato. That would be incest."

I giggled. "I see. That sounds tough."

"Mm. That's why I have so many reservations, and I have to hold back a lot. With you." Chikane-chan toyed with her pendant, looking seriously at me. "I shouldn't talk about that either, though. I'm sure I've got to the point of whining on that theme."

I shook my head. "No, it's fine. I know you have to deal with a lot of things. Whenever you want to talk about it, feel free. I want to listen."

"Thank you. Well, you're also no longer in a position where you can say you have an easy and untroubled life," Chikane-chan observed, picking up a pickle. "If you ever were."

"Because I know you?" I teased.

Chikane-chan chewed and swallowed, shaking her head. "No, I mean the Orochi, though I suppose that's also due to me-" She broke off when I giggled, giving me an amused look. "Never mind."

"You don't have to answer everything seriously, you know," I said.

"Perhaps." Chikane-chan let her hand drop, touching the table. "I didn't mind the implication, though. I don't want you to feel just ordinary around me."

I flushed crimson, feeling my heart twist, looking at her looking at me with her calm, unsmiling earnestness. I grope about for words I was finding it hard to find…

"You don't have to answer seriously, either," Chikane-chan said, smiling suddenly. "If you tease, you'll be teased. It's the way of the world, isn't it?"

"Um." I scratched my cheek, smiling weakly. "I guess so, though I'm grateful to you…"

"Though I'm also serious," Chikane-chan said, holding my gaze. She leaned forwards slightly. "It's a good word. I am seriously aiming for this, since there's no point in holding back." She took a pickle from my bento, eating it.

I held my smile; my chest wrapped up in an ambiguous feeling. Nervousness and anticipation, that kind of tension… "The martial metaphor is a bit much, but it's an exciting way of expressing things."

"I'm glad you're excited." Chikane-chan held my gaze. "Look so surprised and I'll really steal all your food, you know."

"You're welcome to it," I said. Saying a playful thing seriously, and serious things jokingly… though I can see she's also a little on edge, making herself say these things. I hope she's enjoying it. "I'm fine with feeding you."

"I'm sure you wouldn't have packed lunch if you weren't," Chikane-chan said.

Yes, this is probably her reminder. Things really aren't like they were before. But I think that's okay, as well.

In the end, we finished eating, packed up, and prepared to carry on. Chikane-chan looked down at the map, her expression momentarily calculating. "So, we need to move over to the West Garden, right? Hmm… we can walk, or take the monorail. Which would you prefer?"

"The monorail sounds fun," I said, adjusting my backpack awkwardly. "Let's do that."

Chikane-chan nodded. "Okay. Let's go."

I kept pace with her, trying to keep up without a word. Chikane-chan walks pretty fast when she's not paying attention to anything else, so I have to force myself. I looked around. "They really are nice, though," I said. "The penguins."

Chikane-chan followed my gaze, slowing slightly and nodding. "You really like them, don't you?"

I nodded. "They're cute and unusual. I like penguins, I always have."

"Maybe we can have another look later," Chikane-chan suggested. "If we have the time."

"Okay." I frowned slightly. She was suddenly distant again. And after being so… attentive, at lunch, it didn't make much sense. I still can't fully read her. Is she worried about something? "What's your favourite animal?"

"Hmm. Let's see." Chikane-chan closed her eyes briefly. "Tigers are very interesting. Elegant and powerful. Lions are similar."

I smiled. "That's also a lot like you."

"Do you think? It feels like I should choose a bird or something beautiful." Chikane-chan looked around as we passed another rest area. "Though the platypus has a lot to be said about it, as well…" She looked at me. "Have you ever had any pets?"

"Pet platypus?" I asked, smirking at her.

"No, I mean a normal pet," Chikane-chan said. She smiled. "As well you know. For my part, I've never had any. It's not something my parents were interested in."

"And now? You're living with Otoha-san and no one else, right?" I asked.

"I've never really thought about it, I suppose," Chikane-chan said.

"No pet cats or poodles. I'm almost disappointed." I watched her closely. "I've never had any either. I never really had the chance, I suppose… and I don't think Mako-chan would approve."

"I don't know. Saotome seems like a dog person," Chikane-chan said philosophically.

"Maybe a puppy." I frowned slightly. "I don't know why, but that's a nostalgic thought in itself."

"Really?" Chikane-chan mounted the stairs to the monorail station. "Well, déjà vu is very literal for us."

"Right?" I said, looking after her. Now I'm just confused. It seems like she's definitely being more… friendly… in the sense of just friends. Did I discourage her? Or is this just what she considers prudent around other people? Or was she telling me it was up to me to make the next move?

I sighed, following her and queuing with her. This was a lot more complicated, too.

"By the way, can I ask you something?" Chikane-chan asked.

I blinked. "Go ahead."

"Do you have any ambitions? I feel like I know you quite well, but I'm not sure what your dreams are." Chikane-chan smiled. "It feels like an omission, doesn't it? It's quite nice, the fact that we can worry about those things this time."

"Something in that," I agreed, feeling more cheerful. "But I don't really have any concrete ideas. That's why I chose History. Maybe teaching, something like that."

"I see. Teaching could be good, if it's you," Chikane-chan said. "I'm sure you'd be excellent."

"I wonder about that," I said shyly. "I'm not very confident, so I'm sure the pupils wouldn't respect me."

"I think you'd gain confidence with experience. And there are things you can do that many people with confidence won't ever be able to do," Chikane-chan said seriously.

"No way," I said. "Even if we're… connected, I'm not special like you."

"You'd make a better teacher than I ever would," Chikane-chan said. "I don't feel affection for very many people."

"You'd be good at teaching, though," I said. "Probably." Though when I think about it, maybe learning easily makes teaching harder…

"I wonder about that," Chikane-chan said. "Speaking about these things makes me very aware of my shortcomings." She pushed her hair back slightly. "Conventions and I are far apart."

"How about you?" I asked curiously. "You want to help your mother, right?"

Chikane-chan nodded as a little monorail train came into the station. "To begin with. But if I was to talk about my far future… Chikane Himemiya, Head of the Himemiya family. Like that."

"That's amazing."

"It's walking down a straight road laid out for me since birth," Chikane-chan said. "When I think about it, even my ambitions are only those coming from my circumstances. I've never really had any desires to call my own."

I frowned slightly, watching as the doors opened and people exited. "If you're happy, it's fine, right? And if you're not, you can do anything you like. Your parents sound nice, they wouldn't mind."

"They'd mind. They'd probably _let _me. But it would bother them," Chikane-chan said. She picked up her pendant, looking down at it. "If there's something I've learned, you can't lose sight of family amidst the individual. Because mother goes her own way, and because grandfather was irresponsible, things turned out like this. And in a family where becoming a doctor is a step down the social ladder, I'm acutely aware of this thing… even if I do what pleases me best, I have to think of those around me as well."

"I know that's good," I said worriedly. "And I know you feel responsible, but if you end up forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do, or not to do something you want to do, it's going to be hard and painful, right? That won't make the people who care about you happy, either."

"I know. I know that, too." Chikane-chan let her pendant drop. "This would be very much easier if I didn't believe in my family and their path."

I blinked. "Easier? If you're happy with what you're doing-"

"Let's go," Chikane-chan said, looking at me. "We don't want to miss this one."

I nodded, hurrying after her. We just managed to get onto the last carriage, taking two seats at the back. I breathed out, looking sidelong at her.

Chikane-chan relaxed slightly, looking out the window opposite. Her face was definitely in her philosophical mode. She looks so serious, it's endearing. "Shall I tell you something?"

"Go ahead," I said, not really sure what to expect.

Chikane-chan looked at me, her blue eyes strong and clear. "You are probably the first thing I've ever wanted, to ever call my own… my first desire that isn't totally about my family." She smiled wanly. "You're a little scary like that."

I flushed with sudden shock, rearranging the last conversation in my head. No, I was so focused on my own doubts I'd almost forgotten… she also has doubts, regrets, a reason to hold back. "I- see."

Chikane-chan looked down, apparently embarrassed. Her right hand played over her knee, fingers gripping it tight. "Even so… even so, I still feel like this. My suspicion is you're my hubris, and this is the start of my fall."

"I don't really understand," I said honestly.

Chikane-chan leaned forwards slightly, her gaze intense. And her presence is also overwhelming, the shape of her, the pale skin, her smell. "I want my ambition and I want you… I really do." She moved forwards slightly, then checked herself, looking down. "Though that's my burden to bear."

"I…" I fell silent, mired in my confusing emotions, knowing there was no time. I put my hands on her shoulders, trying to find words.

Chikane-chan looked up at me, her expression wan. "I know this isn't very-"

Part of me insisted there were other people present. But I can't focus on anything but those eyes.

I kissed her. It was pretty clumsy, and quick, and I wasn't really sure what I was doing either anatomically or literally. But it felt good, somewhere between the tension and embarrassment. And seeing Chikane-chan stare wide eyed at me was even better.

"Me too," I said, my face flushed. "Though I'm also scared, I also want… this."

You.

Chikane-chan looked at me for a long moment, then sat back and looked away. "You know, if you say that, I've no excuse not to hold you to me…"

"I'd like that." I leaned back as well, looking out the window and trying to look as innocent as possible. Are people staring? I closed my eyes to avoid finding out.

I took her hand again, too.

This was also different from before.


	37. Chapter 37

**Chains of Memory: Part 37**

I can second the appeal of proactive Himeko. It's interesting to play with her more confident side, since it's not something that emerges very easily...

Thank you for your continuing support.

**

* * *

**I watched the flamingos with interest. Or rather, I pretended to watch the flamingos with interest. I was just giving myself space to think. Kissing me… kissing me _worked_. I can understand that. It's reasonably unambiguous in that respect.

Whether this is a good idea, that's not something I can decide right now. But I'm still going forwards.

"I've always wondered about flamingos," Himeko said, looking at them with interest. "They're so brightly coloured, isn't it really bad for them when they're in the wild? It seems hard to believe that pink could ever be good camouflage."

"It's to do with their diet, I know that much," I said. "Though you're right. I assume their wings compensate… or perhaps they live in habitats without real predators. I'm not sure."

"I see. They're really pretty, though."

I glanced sidelong at her thoroughly innocent expression. She's so very casual about this, as if that hasn't happened. Or has she already accepted it and moved on, that simply? I was driving myself to the brink just saying everything I wanted to say… in her own way, Himeko isn't weak. I know that already, but it's worth reminding myself.

Himeko looked at me and smiled. I looked away, taken a little off-guard by her expression. I groped for something to say. "You know, whenever I'm in the zoo, I always think… we're products of chance, aren't we?"

"Really?" Himeko said. "In evolutionary terms, right? That makes sense."

"Well, yes, but specifically our dominance," I elaborated. "All sorts of animals can do many things we can't do, and many other things better than us. Humans aren't outstanding in any except that we're intelligent and have opposable thumbs. It's that exact combination, more than anything else we can easily imagine, that came up in us at random and made us dominant." I frowned. "Though I suppose language is important, as well. But I think that would be possible in some way for far more animals, if they were intelligent enough."

"Hmm. There's not much reason to have intelligence without opposable thumbs, though, is there?" Himeko looked at the flamingo again. "And what about monkeys and things?"

"Thumbs without intelligence. Or enough intelligence." I frowned thoughtfully. "It's all very arbitrary, isn't it?"

"I think that's rather the point," Himeko teased. "And besides, isn't it amazing precisely because it's arbitrary?"

"So the argument goes," I said, glancing at her and smiling back. "Though it's still worth a second every now and then to step back and consider how utterly absurd human society is overall, don't you think?"

Himeko giggled. "I suppose so. I didn't think you'd be the one to say that, though."

"It's hard to take something completely seriously without considering it a little absurd, I think. Perhaps out of a vague resentment." I shrugged away my idle words. "But this isn't much to do with the flamingos. Shall we carry on?"

Himeko nodded as I turned away. "I suppose holding hands is impossible?" she said lightly.

I blinked, stopping for a moment. "I'm not sure it would be prudent."

"I thought so." Himeko followed me, apparently unruffled.

"We should talk about that later," I said. "I think we have a lot to talk about. Not right now, though."

"I know," Himeko said placidly. "If that's what you want, it's fine."

"Thank you," I said uncertainly. Is she… happy? That's a good thing, and if I have confidence in myself, I shouldn't even be surprised. It's not as if I'm not happy, either. But I've also gained a more pressing awareness of a whole host of other problems. I have that kind of personality, after all.

"What do you want to do?" Himeko asked. "We've seen almost everything, right?"

I frowned slightly, nodding. "Do you want to sit down? I think they have a place for that by the pond, and a gift shop, as well."

"That would be good. My legs are sore." Himeko made a face. "Walking is tiring enough, but just standing around is far worse, I think. I keep needing to rest."

"I know that feeling," I said, leading her towards one of the free tables. "In any case, you can sit down. I'll get us drinks, okay?"

"I can get them," Himeko said hurriedly. "I mean, you've paid for the tickets already, so-"

I smiled. Some things don't change. I put a hand on her head, pushing her down into her seat. "I'll take care of it. If you like, you can pay me back later. But let's not argue now, okay?"

"I should go with you, just to stop you from feeling so cool," Himeko teased. "But never mind. I'll have lemonade, please."

"Okay. Give me a moment." I joined the queue, looking ahead with something approaching impatience. It's a given that it'll be absurdly overpriced, but never mind. There are more important things to worry about, speaking from my perspective.

Himeko waved cheerfully, watching me go. Yes, she most likely is in a good mood.

I tried not to blush. I can't afford to be happy. I still have a lot of other things to worry about.

I cleared my mind and looked around, taking in the people around us a little more. It was mostly still families. I really, really hope no one was watching when we kissed. Especially children. But there were a few others too, including a couple of… couples. Most likely, anyway. None of them seemed to be paying any attention to us, which suited me just fine. And though I checked twice, there wasn't any sign of unattached teenagers liable to hit on us, or anyone I knew from university, either. That was also good news.

I couldn't help but glare at the back of the two people holding hands three places in front. This was a very public place. It must be nice, being able to be that careless about these things. They looked pretty vapid, as well. It's a little frustrating. I dismissed my irritation with a conscious effort, knowing it was illogical of me. I held my pendant and stroked it with my thumb as I waited. Though it's hard to imagine now, when father and mother were dating, that also took no little courage, and would attract disapproval, at least in the family. Their social ranks were that different. It would be vain of me to develop a persecution complex just from this.

Apart from the Orochi. I think that complex would be legitimate.

I returned with our drinks. In deference to Himeko, I'd also chosen lemonade rather than tea. Though the tea would probably have been terrible anyway. "Here you go," I said, putting it down in front of her.

"Thank you." Himeko took the glass, sipping. "The weather's not bad, is it? For the time of year."

"Quite." I sipped my own drink, looking up at a cloudless sky. "It's almost a pity we're in such an urban area, though. Could you see the stars at Mahoroba?"

"Very clearly," Himeko said. "Why?"

"I was just curious. At Kobe, I wasn't so fortunate." I chuckled. "Though I'm sure you'll tell me the novelty wears off pretty fast."

"It does a little. It was pretty, though." Himeko giggled. "To think of something like that, though… though you can act very cold, you're a little romantic, aren't you?"

"Not really. I remember learning about this in a physics lesson," I said playfully.

"I'm sure." Himeko sighed. "I was never any good at physics. It had so many numbers in it after a while..."

"Of course. I could deal with that, but I'm not a physicist by temperament or ambition." I tapped my glass thoughtfully. "That teacher was very nice. I think she was disappointed I chose Economics."

"It seems like you're the kind of person who would be leaned on by everyone like that," Himeko teased. "Right?"

"I suppose so. Especially choosing between Arts and Sciences… they had more optimism than anything else, the Arts. It was a given from the start, the choice I made."

"I'm curious, though. What kind of high school did you go to?" Himeko asked curiously. "A private one?"

I nodded. "In Kobe, of course. It was quite nice there, actually, but we were worked hard."

"I'd like to say I know a lot about you," Himeko said. "But the more I talk to you, the more I remember I need to ask. It's a little frustrating, isn't it?"

"I have a similar feeling. But I've always thought you have to know someone quite well to realise how little you know them." I tried for a bold smile. "Besides, the important thing is that you like what you know, right?"

Himeko nodded, looking pleased. "Right."

I put my right hand on the table, just short of her own, and watched her avidly. It's hard to put into words, but her quiet beauty and her vivaciousness makes me a step more comfortable and unguarded than usual. Now more than ever before, since there's a possessive edge that can be unconfined now. Her eyes, which look at me. Her lips, which have kissed my own. Pretty girls have always been nice to my eyes, but this is different. She's looking back at me.

Right or wrong feeling, natural or not, who cares in this moment? Just looking at her is plenty.

"Shall we look in the shop?" I suggested, once we'd finished our drinks.

Himeko nodded. "Okay. Just looking, though."

"Just looking," I said patiently.

It was… as one would expect. If I was in a less charitable mood I'd probably be quite biting, but never mind. Himeko quickly gravitated towards the stuffed toys, and I followed, casting a curious look at the books before inspecting the various animals. They were actually pretty cute.

"They have penguins," Himeko said, picking one up and looking at it. "Aren't they cute?"

I smiled. "They are, actually. Shall I-"

"Buy it?" Himeko glanced at me. "You're trying to be cool again, aren't you?"

"Can't I?" I asked innocently.

"I can always get it myself," Himeko said. "It's not like I'm a child. But I'm just surprised you weren't asking how old I was, right?" She giggled. "Mako-chan would have done that. Maybe you're less honest than her."

"Whatever age you are, cute things are cute," I said. "That's fine, isn't it?"

"Would you buy one, though?" Himeko asked lightly.

"Probably not," I admitted. Otoha-san would give me a strange look, after all.

"Right? It is a little childish." Himeko put it back on the shelf. "Mako-chan really would say so, too, if I brought him back with me."

"I see." I looked around, walking across the aisle. "Can I ask you a favour, then?"

"What is it?" Himeko said curiously.

I turned, holding a stuffed tiger. "Can you buy this for me?" I chuckled at her expression. "That makes you the cool one, right?"

"I'm not sure if it works that way," Himeko said. "Even if you put on nerdy glasses and badly fitting clothes, you'd still be the cool one."

"Really?" I frowned in mock puzzlement. "That's rather strange. Evidently I have to research this some more."

"That actually sounds kinda cute, though." Himeko smiled at me, taking her penguin off the shelf again. "Fine, we can swap, can't we? That's probably what you intend."

"I just want a cute tiger," I said, passing it to her. I took her penguin in return, looking at it with interest. In a strange way, it suits her, I think.

"Maybe I should get something for Mako-chan as well, since I'm here," Himeko said, looking around. "Or should I get something for Ogami-kun, too? How about your parents?"

I giggled. "We haven't gone on holiday, you know. I don't think we need to get anyone anything."

Himeko giggled, toying with her hair again. "I suppose so. It's just so tempting when you're actually in here, though."

"Just looking from now on, okay?" I said, prodding her on the shoulder.

Despite that, I ended up buying a book for father. It had a very pretty cover.

"What are you going to name him?" Himeko asked as we left.

"Him?" I blinked. "The tiger? It's a she. She's called… Kushinada-hime."

"That's not cute at all," Himeko complained.

"She's very stern and dignified," I said. "It's only appropriate."

"That's from the Orochi myth, right?" Himeko said. "It's a fairly strange thing to reference, considering our circumstances."

"I wonder," I said. "If you squint, it's possible that one of us _was _Kushinada-hime. At the least, if she existed, we probably knew her."

"I see." Himeko looked at me, apparently amused. "Does that make you Susanoo?"

"I'm sure I wouldn't be so blasphemous as that," I said sternly. "I was probably his pilot."

Himeko laughed at that. "I see. That almost makes sense for you, even."

"It's interesting to compare, though. Apparently, we were a major part of battles against Orochi, even though we're girls." I looked away. "In any case, what is your penguin called, then?"

"Poro-chan," Himeko said promptly.

I blinked. "I see. Does that actually mean anything?"

Himeko shook her head, hugging the penguin to her. "Not at all. But it's cute, right? That's how these things are supposed to go in the first place."

"You're probably right," I admitted.

"I'm sure he can be friends with Kushinada-hime, though." Himeko giggled. "I sound so childish, this is almost fun."

"I'm glad to see I'm not the only one willing to parody myself," I said, smiling slightly.

"You parody yourself with deadly seriousness, though," Himeko said. "In any case, I have an idea. Why don't we take a photograph together? We can be holding our animals, too."

"Don't you have to take the photo, though?" I asked.

"Yep. So we're going to have to ask someone, probably." Himeko smiled. "I'll leave that to you, okay?"

I blinked. "Huh? Why me?"

"Because you're really confident," Himeko said. "I'd be way too shy to do something like that."

"You're not too shy to suggest it," I pointed out.

"Talking to you is different, though," Himeko said. "Please?"

I sighed, then smiled wanly. "Fine. I'll ask. We're going to look like real idiots, though, aren't we?"

"Of course," Himeko said, sitting on a bench by the pond. "That's the point, isn't it?"

"I suppose so." I sat next to her, taking Kushinada-hime out of the bag and putting it next to her. "Give me the camera, okay?"

Himeko nodded, putting her rucksack under the bench and handing the camera to me. "Here."

I took it, stepping out into the path and looking around for a friendly looking person. I ended up approaching a father of some kind. "Excuse me. I'm sorry to disturb you, but would it be possible for you to take our picture?"

He nodded, looking at me in surprise, and took the camera from me.

I sat next to Himeko again, placing my stuffed tiger on my lap and feeling like a real idiot. But I smiled.

* * *

"I've never liked elevators," I said, stepping through.

"Is that so? I'm sorry." Chikane-chan turned, pressing the button for the second floor. "Walking seems like a pain, though. We've walked a lot already today."

"I know that, because my feet hurt," I said. I looked thoughtfully at her as the lift moved upwards, smiling a little. It's a little strange, but I suppose we really are dating. And she is very pretty.

Chikane-chan looked at me, frowning slightly. "In any case, you can sit down, at least. Otoha-san can make us some tea. Or do you want something else?"

"I don't mind," I said. "Whatever you think best."

"We don't really have any soft drinks," Chikane-chan said. "I should get some in."

"It's fine. I can just have water."

"I see." Chikane-chan stepped out as the doors opened, walking down the corridor and pulling her keys out of the pocket of her jacket. "In any case, let's just sit down. I'm tired now, too."

I nodded, waiting patiently behind her. "Okay."

Chikane-chan opened the door, stepping through and slipping off her shoes. "I'm back."

"Welcome back."

Chikane-chan stopped suddenly. I blinked, trying to recognise that voice. It wasn't Otoha-san. "Ah… I'm sorry to intrude like this," I said awkwardly, moving closer to Chikane-chan and looking at her puzzled face.

There was movement from the next room, and a startling figure approached. She was dressed in a dark blue suit with trousers, pale skin, short blue hair and brilliant blue eyes. "Hmm. So you did turn up, after all," she said ambiguously, looking at us. I wasn't sure which of us she was talking to.

I also began to be surprised. "Could this be-"

"Okasama?" Chikane-chan asked, looking shocked. "Why?"

"Something came up," Chikane's mother said ambiguously. "Give me your phone. Oh, and you must be Kurusugawa, right?"

I blinked, flushing slightly. "Eh? Uh, yes." I hurriedly bowed. "I'm pleased to meet you. I'm Himeko Kurusugawa."

When I looked up, Chikane's mother had extended her hand. "Kazuho. Kazuho Himemiya."

I took it uncertainly. She had a strong grip. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise." Kazuho-san looked at Chikane-chan. "Your phone. Let me borrow it, okay?"

Chikane-chan nodded hurriedly, pulling it out of her pocket and passing it to her.

"Sarah!" Kazuho-san said loudly. "Chikane's back. Call Eikou and let him know."

Chikane-chan blinked. "Is something wrong, Okasama?"

"A little. You're fine, so there's no problem." Kazuho turned the phone on and inputted a number. "I take it you missed Masato?"

"Otousama? He's here as well?" Chikane-chan looked thoroughly lost. "What's going on?"

"I'll explain," Kazuho-san said. "After I've stopped Masato's panic attack. Go and sit down." She held the phone to her ear, turning to look at the wall. "Masato? It's me. Yes, she's right here. Kurusugawa, too. No harm done to them."

There was the sound of hurried footsteps. Otoha-san stepped out from behind Kazuho-san, looking at us with palpable relief. "Ojou-sama!" she said loudly, before checking herself as Kazuho-san shot her a look.

"Mm. You must have missed them. Come back here." Kazuho stepped sideways, glancing at us and waving us through. Chikane-chan did so, walking into the lounge and looking around. I followed her rather nervously.

There was a brown-haired woman sitting at the table, dressed in a suit like Kazuho-san. She was also phoning someone, but glanced at us and nodded as we entered. A formidable-looking woman with dark hair stood patiently in the corner, before bowing to Chikane-chan.

Chikane-chan sat down, indicating I should do the same. "It seems like I've involved you in something troublesome," she murmured.

I shook my head awkwardly.

Kazuho-san passed Chikane-chan her phone. "Here. Say hi."

"Ah." Chikane-chan took it. "Otousama? Good afternoon… what's wrong? Has something happened?" She paused for a moment, frowning. "Yes, we're fine. I'll see you later. Goodbye." She turned off her phone. "So, what exactly is happening?"

"I told you, didn't I?" Kazuho-san said, sitting opposite her. "Only turn off your phone at my funeral. Things can come up at short notice. In this case, a kidnapping."

"What?" Chikane-chan asked sharply.

"Honoka Himemiya, Eikou's daughter." Kazuho-san rested her chin on her hands, looking across the table at us. "You know her, right? Well, she's fine now. The police handled things, so that by the time I was here she was already back with Eikou. It's not as if the kidnappers were confident, nor is it the first time these things have happened to our family. We're a natural target."

"That's horrible," I said. "Poor Honoka-chan."

"Apparently, she's fine. Just a little scared." Kazuho-san blinked slowly. "With that said, we received a tip that you were also being targeted. The two of you, that is, not just Chikane-chan. Since kidnappers or the like hadn't contacted us, I chose this option instead of calling the police straight away. It seems like I wasn't mistaken."

"I'm very sorry. This situation shouldn't have happened, if I'd been doing what I'm supposed to do," Chikane-chan said.

"It can't be helped. You haven't been kidnapped, which is the important thing in this situation." Kazuho-san shrugged. "Besides, this is a good chance. I'm here now, for pure reasons, and I'll be seeing Eikou and his family for equally pure reasons in due course."

"Eikou-san sends his regards," the brown-haired woman said, putting her phone down and looking at Chikane-chan. "He's glad to hear you're safe. You're Chikane-san, right? I don't believe we've met."

"That's correct," Chikane-chan said.

The woman nodded. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Sarah Webber, Kazuho-san's PA."

"And amicably irreverent," Kazuho-san said. "She has contacts with the Reynolds, who suggested her to me."

"Your habit of getting through assistants hasn't changed, then," Chikane-chan said, smiling slightly.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "Um, I don't want to bother you and my friend is expecting me home at-"

"Oh, yes," Kazuho-san said, apparently noticing me again. "You're Chikane's friend, right? Thank you for taking care of her."

"Not at all," I said, looking down. "Normally I'm the one being taken care of."

"Is that so?" Kazuho-san frowned for a moment, before leaning across the table and touching my pendant thoughtfully. "Where did you get this?" she asked curiously.

I shifted my head upwards slightly. "Uh, it was a present from my father."

Kazuho-san blinked and nodded. "It's an unusual world."

"You shouldn't bother Himeko like that, Okasama," Chikane-chan said testily.

"You're right, of course." Kazuho-san sat back in her seat. "I'm sorry to intrude, in any case, but as you can see things have turned out like this. Sarah's already introduced herself, and behind me is Hizuru Kisaragi-san, my chambermaid. Do you know Otoha-kun?"

"We have been introduced," Otoha-san said deferentially. "Kurusugawa-san is an important friend of Ojou-sama."

"I see. In any case, feel at home. This is Chikane's place, as you probably know." Kazuho glanced at Chikane-chan. "Though we're probably going to impose on you for an evening. It's a good chance to catch up."

"I'll welcome it. It's not suited for receiving guests, though," Chikane-chan warned.

"I've stayed in far worse hotel rooms," Kazuho-san said. She looked at me again. "By the way, do you know anything about Chikane's crush on someone or other?"

I flushed furiously. "Sorry?"

"Okasama!" Chikane-chan protested loudly.

"Kazuho-sama," Hizuru-san said sternly. "It's not seemly to ask questions like that."

Kazuho-san sighed. "How boring. I'm even in town. You should hurry up and present him to me. Or is there some difficulty?"

"I don't intend to talk about it," Chikane-chan said sulkily.

"Well, you are at that age," Kazuho-san said. "Not before time, either."

"How is business back at home?" Chikane-chan asked, pointedly changing the subject. "I hope I haven't interrupted anything major."

"It's just as I said before, everything is done apart from loose ends and the everyday," Kazuho-san said. "They should be able to manage without me for a week or two. Naturally, I'll have to keep in touch."

"Speaking of that, is there anything else I should be doing?" Sarah-san asked.

"Hmm? Oh. Try and work out hotel bookings for us from tomorrow," Kazuho said. "I want something of a decent standard, convenient for this place and to Eikou's penthouse, with a good reputation. I'm willing to pay more than usual, since we're likely to be there with a while, and will probably be receiving guests."

"I understand," Sarah-san said, standing and walking away. "I'll take care of it."

"More importantly, will we be visiting Eikou-sama and his family later?" Chikane-chan asked. "They must be very upset."

"Which is precisely why we're leaving it a day," Kazuho-san said. "I'll drop by in an hour or so and help him deal with the police and so on, but after that we're letting them be an undisturbed family tonight. Tomorrow, I'll invite them here, and hopefully they'll insist on inviting us there. Otherwise, we'll have to manage."

"I understand." Chikane-chan looked apologetically at me. "I'm sorry, Himeko. I know this isn't very fun."

I shook my head. "Not at all… it's a serious situation, isn't it? I'm also worried about Honoka-chan."

Kazuho-san nodded. "That's reasonable. I think they're fine, though."

"Who was it?" Chikane-chan asked cautiously.

"The police thought it was yakuza, but apparently not," Kazuho-san said. "Just some street thugs with no real influence. It beggars me how they even knew who she was, or who to contact… criminals have no class any more." She shrugged. "I don't know any more than that, the police are taking care of the rest. She was kidnapped on the way to school, held for a few hours. Eikou says she hasn't really been harmed and she's okay all told. The police did things cleanly for once, but the opposition wasn't very significant to begin with."

"What was the ransom demand?" Chikane-chan asked curiously. "Money, I assume?"

"Wondering how much we're worth?" Kazuho-san asked. "But that's the more curious thing. They sent a message, but it wasn't asking for money. It was asking for 'Hime-chan'."

I blinked; my gasp cut off by Chikane-chan stepping on my foot. I bit my lip to hold back a cry of pain.

"That's… unusual," Chikane-chan said coolly. "Do you know who they meant? Me?"

"It's hard to say. Taking a Himemiya hostage and asking for a Hime-chan seems akin to robbing a bank and holding the money hostage for cash." Kazuho-san's eyes flickered sideways, looking at me. "It was probably you they wanted, but I couldn't tell you why, Chikane. The metaphor stands, money is why they'd want you."

I tried to keep a calm face under her brief but bright gaze. I'm not sure if she's thinking that at all.

"It's possible they wanted me because I'm from the main line of descent," Chikane-chan said. "Perhaps they thought I was worth more money."

"Then why not take you directly?" Kazuho-san asked. "A botched double kidnapping? Did you notice any danger?"

Chikane-chan shook her head. "No, there was nothing. It was just an ordinary day."

"As I thought, it makes no sense at all," Kazuho-san said, leaning back and putting her hands behind her head. "Hopefully the police will investigate properly, rather than just throwing those idiots in jail and being done with it." She looked at me again. "But I was surprised. Your name has apparently come up, too. Eikou warned me."

"Me?" I asked, trying to sound surprised.

"Possibly just as my friend," Chikane-chan said cautiously, watching her mother closely. "That's the only real reason there would be."

"Hmm." Kazuho-san gave me a long look. "Please forgive me if I'm being impolite, but I don't recall an especially prominent Kurusugawa within my sphere. Politician's daughter? Judge?"

I shook my head hurriedly. "Nothing like that. I'm just normal, and I don't have any rich relatives."

"I see. I'm sorry for asking something so personal," Kazuho-san said. "I know it's impolite of me."

"Not at all." I looked anxiously at her. "So Honoka-chan is definitely fine?"

Kazuho-san nodded. "So I've heard. You could call her, but I'm sure you wouldn't be the only one."

I nodded weakly. "That's a relief."

"I'm almost sure Himeko doesn't have anything to do with this," Chikane-chan said steadily. "If we're going to be busy here, isn't it best if I walk her home?"

Kazuho cocked her head slightly, looking at me. "Hm. If she likes. Or she could eat with us. Especially if she has nothing to do with this, apart from you, we should make it up to her."

"I'd- like that," I said uncertainly. It feels like I should at least make an effort to get to know her. "I'll call Mako-chan in a minute, then."

"That would be excellent," Kazuho-san said. She stood, brushing herself off. "In any case, I'll leave you both in peace for now. I'm going to help Eikou deal with the official things."

Chikane-chan nodded. "And I assume we stay here? That's probably going to be safest, isn't it?"

"Right. I'll prod the police for you, as well." Kazuho-san folded her arms, frowning. "If it's our safety, there's not really room for 'ifs' or maybe'. I'll remind them of that, if necessary. Otherwise we can use private methods."

"It's possible they really were just thugs," Chikane-chan said. "There may not be much to investigate."

"Maybe. I'd prefer it if I was certain they were really just thugs," Kazuho said. "Sarah! We're going to Eikou's, so hurry up!"

I smiled wanly, a little relieved. Kazuho-san is… very intense, after all. But it's interesting, to meet the mother that matters so much to Chikane-chan.

"Yes, yes." Sarah-san walked through, carrying a laptop bag. She waved at us, following Kazuho-san out.

Chikane-chan sighed. "Something really troubling has happened, after all."

I nodded weakly. "At least Honoka-chan is okay. And you got to see your mother again."

"Quite." Chikane-chan looked up. "By the way, it's good to see you again, Hizuru-san."

"It's been a while, Ojou-sama," the older woman said, bowing again. "I hope Otoha-kun has been taking good care of you?"

"Yes, she's excellent," Chikane-chan said. "I can rely on her in many important ways."

"I'm glad to hear that," Hizuru-san said. "She still has a way to go, though, isn't that right, Otoha-kun?"

"As you say, I still lack experience," Otoha-san said, looking a little tired.

"Precisely so. We should begin preparing for dinner, though, Otoha-kun." Hizuru-san turned back to us. "Unless there is anything you need, in which case please call for us as you please."

"We're fine," Chikane-chan said. "Please go ahead with dinner. I'm sure we'll all want to eat after a day like this. Did you really come all the way across the country?"

"It couldn't be helped," Hizuru-san said. "Your parents were very worried, Ojou-sama. Don't forget that."

Chikane-chan sighed guiltily. "I know. I won't."

I looked down at the table, blinking rapidly. Chikane-chan's parents… it really is nice, for her to have people like that.

I touched my pendant and hoped her father wouldn't ask about it as well.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chains of Memory: Part 38**

Once again, thanks for your support. And I have a headache, so I'll leave it at that...

**

* * *

**"I'm sorry," Chikane-chan said, sitting on the floor of her room and looking at me. "You really have become involved in something troublesome."

"It's fine," I said. "Even if the circumstances aren't ideal, I'm glad to meet your mother, at least."

"I hope you're not overwhelmed," Chikane-chan said, looking down at the floor and smiling weakly. "I never really put this into words for you, but mother's exactly as you see… lazy about tact. It's not as if she isn't perceptive, she just likes living this way. She has to reign herself in at other times."

"It's okay," I assured her, raising my hands. "She's very confident. That's a help for me, otherwise I'd be shy."

"Well, don't let her make you forget she's also perceptive," Chikane-chan said, sighing softly. "I wanted to have more time before this moment, even knowing she was coming… but don't speak of much. Hizuru answers only to mother."

I nodded. "I know. It's not as if I'm confident either, about this." I smiled at her. "It seems… fun, though."

Chikane-chan nodded, blushing slightly. "I'm glad you said so. In any case, for the Orochi to do something so drastic all of a sudden- they're not exactly honourable, are they?"

"And I thought they agreed with us," I said, sighing. "Getting Honoka-chan involved is too much. Should we call the police? Or tell them, rather."

"That would leave us open to too many questions," Chikane-chan said briefly. "It would become very bad fast. And the police already have the ones who did it, so we can leave it at that and hope things don't reach us."

I looked at her unhappily before nodding. "I suppose you're right… we don't have much choice, do we?"

"Ah." Chikane-chan closed her eyes briefly. "It can't be helped. In the meantime, we should concentrate on this. If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

"It's okay," I said. "I can just talk to them normally, right? Or is that no good?"

"No good?" Chikane-chan sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Well, not exactly. How would I say it… if the discussion gets technical, especially about our internal affairs or business, I apologise for that in advance. But that's not what I mean. They'll both want to know more about you, I think, and they're good at that." Chikane-chan blinked. "Sorry. I'm babbling."

"I don't really understand," I said, "but I'll be careful. You're worried, right?"

Chikane-chan blinked. "That's… right. That's strange." She closed her eyes briefly. "I shouldn't be this tense. There's no one I trust more than my parents, after all. I'm sorry."

I giggled. "I'm pretty sure I'm the one who is supposed to be nervous in this situation. Don't worry, I'll do my best to impress them."

"That's not it." Chikane-chan fell back, lying down and looking up at the ceiling. "Separating everything in my mind and saying I could do both was a lot easier when they were half-way across the country, that's all."

I smiled at her. It wasn't often that Chikane-chan let her guard down. I also made sure I didn't look up her skirt.

"Father will ask about the pendant," Chikane-chan said. "He's more sentimental than mother, though."

I nod. "I'll just answer truthfully. That's fine, right?"

"Right. He's sentimental, not superstitious."

"Well, it's not like I haven't already answered your mother," I said slowly.

Chikane-chan nodded tightly, before looking up at me and smiling. "Mm. We'll be fine."

I smiled back, feeling a little relieved. Chikane-chan being worried isn't usual at all, so that makes me worry as well.

"It's been a while," Chikane-chan said idly, putting her hands behind her head. "I really do so them rarely, so I suppose it's a surprise. My parents are an ideal I aspire to, far more than people I answer to… that's strange, isn't it?"

"I think it sounds nice," I said. "Unless it upsets you."

"Being upset isn't right," Chikane-chan said. "And I enjoy the freedom, and the responsibility as well." She sighed, smiling wanly. "Even so, to be able to come to them and for them to say 'don't worry about it', it sounds nice. Even though I was the one who rejected that approach long ago."

"Do you want a hug?" I teased.

Chikane-chan giggled. "It's child-like, I know. But being dependant, supporting someone…" She pushed herself up slightly. "They're both nice in their own right, aren't they? I can still feel connected to my parents because I support them, and they support me."

"If that's all there is to it, I'm probably already your family," I said.

"There's something in that," Chikane-chan said. "I'm sorry. Even if I say my father is the sentimental one, I'm in a strange mood right now."

I shook my head. "I'm a lot more sentimental. I was serious, too. You've been supporting me a lot. With the Orochi, for one thing, I've been relying on you. And about us as well, it feels I have a little courage now because you have been so kind to me. Thank you."

Chikane-chan flushed slightly. "That is more sentimental than me… it's nothing, though. Souma would also support you about the Orochi, right? Saotome as well."

"Though she doesn't know, but yes, if she had to. I know that." I smiled. "But that's a little different. It feels like this is something that belongs to the two of us."

"Tsubasa isn't something I'd want to share with anyone," Chikane-chan said playfully. "And not in the sense that he's something I want for myself alone, either."

"Right?" I laughed. "I'm just sad that other people are involved. But if it's you, I think we can do something about that, as well. Somehow."

Chikane-chan nodded, sitting up. "That's so… speaking as a Himemiya, as well, involving my family is going way too far. If informing to them is bad, this is intolerable." She sighed. "I suppose I don't have any choice but to talk to them again. But I'll probably be around my parents for the next few days, either. Perhaps we could use Ogami as a messenger."

"Poor Ogami-kun." I rubbed my cheek sheepishly. "Though I don't know what else to do. Sitting things out and seeing what the police do is a little…"

"That's what worries me, though," Chikane-chan said suddenly. "Something this blatant isn't Tsubasa's style. No, not exactly, he does this kind of thing, but he wouldn't have attachments to it. He certainly wouldn't let himself be caught." She frowned. "I don't know the circumstances, but you're right in that just sitting by might not solve anything. Being involved wouldn't help either, though. Perhaps that's his intention to begin with."

"Really?" I frowned. "Do you think so?"

"In a way, this is scarier than the robots," Chikane-chan said. "At that time, we knew their methods. But I'm probably overanalysing things. Seeing patterns where they aren't is very human. Even so, this isn't just a coincidence."

I nodded. "It's not like they seem like bad people, either." I met her dubious look. "Well, okay, they are kinda bad, but they're also normal in their own way. There are things they believe in, and people they care for."

"I suppose I can't be morally righteous about anything," Chikane-chan said, looking down at the floor. "Perhaps that's why I'm afraid. I don't like being compared to Tsubasa, but I know he's driven, ruthless and cold. That's the same as me, when I have to be."

"You're different from him," I said confidently.

Chikane-chan looked at me. "But-"

"You are different. So even if you're also similar, it's fine." I smiled. "From now on, though, it's about what we want to do, isn't it?"

Chikane-chan nodded, putting her hands on her knees. "Right. I suppose we should concentrate on that first."

"So we should concentrate on your parents, as well," I said gently. "I don't understand exactly how you feel about me and them, but you don't have to force yourself. If you want to wait until they go back, or keep me mostly out of their sight, that's okay. I know this is also important."

"It isn't like that," Chikane-chan said hurriedly. "It's not like I'm… ashamed… no, I'm not ashamed of you. But for my part, I still haven't forgiven myself, and I'm still not confident. I want to be able to face them and say it clearly. That's what they'd expect from me."

I smiled patiently. "That's also fine."

"That makes me feel a little sinister in itself, though." Chikane-chan rubbed her forehead again. "It's my fault, in any case. And I will see you, no matter what."

I raised a finger. "No lies, okay?"

"I wouldn't lie to my parents," Chikane-chan said. "They'd see through me and beyond, too." She shrugged. "It's just being economical with the truth, something mother calls strategy."

"I understand that," I said. "But taking the easy path now could trouble us later, right? I don't want to be trapped like that."

"I know. I'll be careful-" Chikane-chan looked up as someone rapped briefly on the door. "It's time. Ready to meet the other one?"

I nodded, standing with her and brushing myself off. I touched my pendant briefly, adjusting its position, before following her back into the living room.

"I'm back."

"Welcome back," Chikane-chan said, echoed by the maids as they moved swiftly forwards.

"Ah, so you really were here. Thank goodness." The man who stepped into the light of the lounge wasn't exactly what I expected. He was dressed in jeans and a white shirt, unbuttoned at the neck. He smiled at Chikane-chan, sea-blue eyes regarding her affectionately. Long grey hair was pulled out behind him into a ponytail that didn't seem to match his mature face. "I'm sorry. We couldn't exactly ignore a situation like this, though. I hope you'll forgive us."

"No, everything is my fault," Chikane-chan said, bowing her head. "If I'd left my phone on, none of this would have troubled you to begin with."

"No, no. We'd probably have come even in that situation." He smiled. "Don't mind it at all."

Chikane-chan's father… it's less intuitive than her mother is. Even though they look about the same age, they seem completely different. So opposites can attract, maybe.

"In any case, this is my good friend, Himeko Kurusugawa," Chikane-chan said. "She was with me the whole time."

"I see. It's good to meet you, Kurusugawa-san. I'm Masato, Masato Himemiya." He smiled at me. "Though 'Tou-san' is fine too. But I suppose you're too old for that."

I smiled at him, bowing my head. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"No need to be formal," he said, waving a hand. "I'm glad to meet any friend of Chikane. I'm sorry we involved you in something like this."

"It's fine," I said. "I don't mind at all."

Masato-san nodded. "That's good. I've already heard about Kazuho. Rushed off her feet as always, it's a waste. Just when we got to see you again, as well."

"I assume you've heard, but we'll be eating together," Chikane-chan said. "With Himeko, as well."

Masato's eyebrows shifted fractionally. "I'd heard," he said. "I'm looking forwards to it. As long as Kazuho is on time, anyway. I may have to drag her away from work again."

"Some things don't change," Chikane-chan observed lightly. "I'll leave it in your hands."

"And people say I have it easy," Masato-san said wryly. "And thank you for taking care of my daughter, Otoha-san. It's much appreciated."

"No," Otoha-san said, looking startled. "It's nothing, Masato-sama."

"Her provision is only adequate," Hizuru-san said coolly. "There's no need for you to be too fulsome in praising what is only expected, Masato-sama."

"Our expectations are exceptional enough, I think," Masato-san said.

"In any case, shall we have tea?" Chikane-chan suggested. "There's no point standing on ceremony right now. Of course, this home is yours, Otou-sama."

"Tou-san is also fine for you," Masato-san protested, pulling out a chair and sitting down. "Some things don't change." He smiled, though.

"Sorry, but your request is less scary than Shuusei-sama's instruction," Chikane-chan said, sitting opposite him and pulling out a chair. "Himeko."

I nodded, sitting gratefully.

"That old man hasn't bugged us, you know," Masato-san said. "Even he wouldn't go that far."

"I'm afraid old habits die hard and slowly."

"Words I know well." Masato-san leaned back in his seat, looking between us. "That zoo is very nice, though. I wish I had the time to enjoy it."

"I'm sorry about that," Chikane-chan repeated.

"It was just you two?" he asked. "There's no one else we need to worry about?"

"That's correct," Chikane-chan said smoothly. "There wasn't any problem."

"That's good. And what was your favourite animal?"

"Eh?" Chikane-chan blinked, before sighing and smiling at him. "Please don't tease me. It was the tiger, though."

"I'm not teasing you," Masato-san said. "It's a very serious question. In any case, I hope you enjoyed yourself, Kurusugawa-san."

I nodded. "It was very interesting. I haven't been to a zoo for far too long."

"I'm glad. I'm a little envious as well." He frowned suddenly, leaning forwards slightly. "Ah…" His eyes darted sideways to Chikane-chan again.

"The pendant, right?" Chikane-chan said. "It's a coincidence, I'm afraid. Right, Himeko?"

I nodded. "It was given to me by my father when I was young. We were surprised as well."

"I can see why," Masato-san said lightly. He cocked his head slightly, looking at me. "Forgive me if I've made some omission, but I don't think we've met before. How did you meet Chikane? At university?"

I shook my head. "It was a chance meeting. But I used to live at Mahoroba, which gave us a little in common. Isato Himemiya attended my school."

"Isato-kun, is it? It's been a while." Masato-san smiled. "I hope he's been getting on well."

I nodded. "Everyone liked him, and he was smart and kind. Just like Chikane-chan."

"In a better world, we'd be glad of that," Masato said, sighing. "I'm curious, though, more of you. A student, right?"

"Yes. I'm studying History. A first year, like Chikane-chan." I smiled weakly. Just because I'm not mentioning where I'm studying history, that's just… being economical with the truth.

"History? History is good," Masato said. "What periods are you studying?"

Otoha-san put the tea in front of us, assisted by Hizuru-san. They retreated silently.

"All sorts," I said. "I'm writing an essay for industrial revolution in the world during the eighteenth century right now… it's very interesting. All the numbers make my head hurt, though."

"I can see that. I know I studied literature to escape from all the numbers," Masato-san said. "You're a different type, aren't you, Chikane?"

"I'm afraid so," Chikane-chan said. "Economists have a lot of theory to worry about as well, though, you know."

"Yes, yes. Kazuho always says it's a superior discipline for that reason." Masato-san smiled. "Even so, I'm glad you have things apart from that now."

"I've always had things apart from that," Chikane-chan said defensively.

"I wonder." Masato-san looked between us before shrugging and smiling. "It's just a long time since I've seen you with a friend."

"It's long time since you've last seen me," Chikane-chan said, pouting. "It's not that unusual."

"Yes, yes." He chuckled. "I'm still glad, though. Everyone needs a rest."

* * *

"Would it be redundant to say Eikou's on edge?" Mother sighed. "I know that won't surprise anyone, but it did surprise me. I only meet him now and then but he's a controlled man, even when everything's going to hell in a hand-basket. Children are different, after all." She smirked at father. "Not that I'm telling you anything."

"Children are different," father agreed. "How was Honoka-chan?"

"She wanted people to leave her alone," mother said. "And when I say that, I mean 'so she can get on with her homework'. The comparison between parent and child couldn't be more startling. Apparently, they were very kindly kidnappers. As if such a thing could exist."

I cut myself a piece of fish, eating it slowly. "That sounds like her, all the same. And the police?"

"Are stubborn fools." Mother sighed. "As far as they're concerned, this is open and shut. 'Just a botched kidnapping'. They don't have any faith in possible connections to us. Perhaps that's even right, but I can't shake their feeling they're just taking the path of least resistance."

I nodded. "Can Eikou do something? He has strong local influence."

"Eikou's only worried about himself," mother said. "Or at least, his family alone. He's the same as the police, and also considering bodyguards. It can't be helped."

"Poor Honoka-chan," father said. "Not that we can take this lightly, either."

"Kidnapping is not new. Even so, we have to live," mother said. "Did I tell you about the time I was menaced by yakuza?"

"Many times," father said. "Though it is a good story."

"I'll tell it to Himeko-chan, then." Mother shifted her attention to her. "That was when I was sixteen. There'd been running disturbances at share meetings in father's businesses and he was striking back. So they did that to bother him, in a rather trite 'we know where you live' kind of sentiment."

"That must have been terrible," Himeko said sympathetically.

I smiled, eating some rice. I'd also heard this story a lot.

"It was, actually. They should have asked why father was actually challenging them, though." Mother smiled. "A week later, they were ripped apart by a gang war and replaced. It was convenient timing for us."

"You shouldn't talk about the past," I said. "It's a little depressing, isn't it? Stories like that."

"What's in the past about that?" mother said. "The old bastard hasn't changed at all, and apparently kidnappers are still around as well. I almost feel sorry for that gang. Eikou is definitely going to use his influence for _that_."

"Indeed," I said, glancing sidelong at Himeko. "How have you been apart from that? You said the Keihanshin families were all in accordance with us now, right? I find that hard to believe, when I think of Fuuga-sama."

"Rats are convenient," mother said. "They flee sinking ships. You know the ironic thing? He's one of the ones keeping me informed right now. I think he's eager to make up for his long resistance."

"That's very… utilitarian," I said. "It feels like we should be offended, but I suppose it's just business."

"As I said to him. Actually, I can't stand the man, but never mind." Mother closed her eyes. "Of course, if we slip up he'd change sides again. Rats are predictable."

"I'm sorry, Kurusugawa-san," father said lightly. "They do this a lot. I generally look for a book to read."

"That's rude," mother said. She adjusted her chopsticks, returning her attention to her food again. "I suppose it's not very polite since we invited you, though, all the same. You should tell me all about yourself. I'm intrigued by anyone who Chikane calls a friend."

"Not at all," Himeko said. "I'm afraid I'm not all that interesting. Besides, it was informative to listen to you, as well. I know this is important to Chikane-chan."

"Well, that's true," I said. "But I can listen at a better time. And you are interesting, too." I smiled. "You said lying is bad, right?"

"I'd rather if you explained what you were talking about, though," Himeko said.

"Really?" mother said. Father gave Himeko a look she apparently missed.

Himeko nodded. "It's interesting. Maybe it's private, though…"

"Well, it's not something I should talk about idly, but it's not as if we have a concrete public profile," mother said. "And everyone who is interested already knows, so it's fine. What we're talking about is the main branch power struggle between my family and my brother Takuma's family."

"Isato's family," I supplied.

"I see," Himeko said. "I remember something like that. I knew him, you see…"

"Really?" mother said.

Himeko nodded. "At Mahoroba."

"I see. You aren't a spy, are you?" Mother laughed as Himeko began an apologetic explanation. "I don't mean that. But you're well placed to know, then. In any case, we're siblings to the main family, and oddly placed. There's no primogeniture, but it's also true that one favoured child gets the status of Head and the estates in Tohoku, on a meritocratic basis. The other siblings have their status reduced to that of a branch. Of course, things weren't always this way. My grandfather was the first to transition from primogeniture to meritocracy… the eldest son, I mean. It used to just be that. But my uncle was a dissolute, drunk and incompetent idiot."

"I see…" Himeko said weakly.

"The difficulty is that our only children are Chikane and Isato respectively," mother said. "Among others. They'd be heir apparent, and while both of them are good enough, it's still a risk. There's been discussion of opening up the inheritance to the branches, but my father won't condone any further change to the succession. We can't support it either, since it would only divide the family. If I become head, though, I would consider letting Isato have an entitlement to the inheritance alongside Chikane. It could be an important peace-making concession, but conversely, it could split the family again. You see?"

"Yes," Himeko said, nodding uncertainly. "I think so."

"Besides which neither me nor Takuma came this far to put our children through it again…"

I closed my eyes and ate my food quietly. I'm sorry, Himeko. Not even the JSDF could stop mother when she's talking about the family.

"How have you been handling the pressure? I know university can be tough, and you're not just anyone," father said softly.

I looked across the table at him. "That's why it's been fine. I have someone to do everything that keeps me alive, so I really haven't had any problems at all."

"I suppose that's true," father said. "So, do you have any other friends?"

"Of course," I said. "I'm serious, Otou-sama, but not that serious."

"Perhaps. But I mean friends as opposed to acquaintances," father said. "I'm sure there are still plenty of people who like you, but unless there's some kind of closeness, it's more like training for having subordinates, don't you think?" He smiled at my expression. "Not that it's a bad thing. You don't have to have that many friends. I never did either."

"There are people I know more closely than that," I said. "But when it's a parent asking, it's hard not to be defensive about this. I know it's more normal to have friends, and more is better than less, but I don't have the time."

"Nor the inclination?"

"I'm not being anti-social," I said. "I just talk to them about safe and trite things, that's all. There aren't many people who would be interested in the things I more normally talk about."

"That's never stopped Kazuho," father teased. Mother managed to punch him in the shoulder without breaking off from her monologue, smirking as she did so. "I take your point, though."

"It's a problem of image," I said, sighing. "Even my more normal points are too normal, if you know what I mean. Going to the zoo, playing on the Wii, though they listen when I talk about Kyudo and kenjutsu it's not as if they actually know about it…"

"Poor you." Father cocked his head. "And the person you're interested in?"

I flushed, glaring at him and feeling vaguely betrayed. "That's got nothing to do with this. I don't really intend to talk about it."

"I see. It makes me worry, though."

I sighed, picking my words carefully. "It's not as if things are going badly. I just need more time."

"I see. Are you going to introduce them to us?"

"Who knows?" I said, crossing my arms. I don't like it, reverting to passive-aggression, but I don't really have a choice. When I talked to them about this I thought they'd be a long way away for a long time to come.

"Well, it will keep," father said cheerfully. "No-one ever likes introducing the one they love to their parents anyway."

"They tend to embarrass them, right?" I said.

He nodded.

I frowned slightly, returning to my food. "It's not as if I'm ashamed of you, though."

"I know. I'm just teasing you, of course." Masato smiled. "What kind of person is it, I wonder."

"By the way, Chikane," mother said, glancing across the room at me. "I've checked your schedule with Otoha, but how much free time do you have to spare? I'm going to be very busy, and I would appreciate your help. It would be a good experience for you, as well."

"I have time," I said cautiously. "I think that should be fine."

"Good. And if you have Sunday free, we'll probably be going to have dinner with someone. I have no idea who yet, of course." Mother shrugged. "I'll make something turn up. Or else we could receive guests, I suppose. It's a shame we don't have larger property here, but as an expense it would be hard to justify. Eikou might resent it."

"I'll bear that in mind," I said. I'm not sure what my already tight schedule is going to look like if she keeps her word. But I can't protest. I have to support her, after all, and I do need to learn more. Much more.

"Sounds tough," Himeko said.

"A little. But it's also free food." Mother sighed. "That reminds me, we need to get something in if we're taking guests. You can take care of that, right, Hizuru?"

"As you say, Kazuho-sama," Hizuru said coolly.

"I will assist," Otoha-san said firmly.

"That's not necessary," Hizuru said sharply.

"Even so, it's expected," Otoha-san returned.

"And I'll need to work out the exact shape of Eikou's network, as well," mother said. "I have some parts but not others. Sarah!" She looked around, snorting. "Just where is she, anyway?"

"You shouldn't work over dinner," father said reproachfully.

"I know, I know. I'm going to be busy, though."

"You're always busy."

I glanced sidelong at Himeko. "I hope you survived."

Himeko shook her head. "No, it was interesting."

"I see." I smiled. Himeko is tactful, however much she says she's not perceptive.

"It's not as if you haven't told me before," Himeko observed. "But it must be tough, having to be rivals with your family like that."

"I suppose so. I think mother enjoys it, mind, and perhaps Takuma is the same." I shrugged. "Even for me, it's an aspiration. Right now, it's not so bad. Keihanshin is our area to begin with, and we haven't ever interfered with Mahoroba and the rest of Takuma's sphere of interest."

"But when your grandfather dies, it's going to be serious, right?" Himeko said. "You're going to have to oppose each other. It's saddening."

"Well, that's certainly true," I admitted, a little surprised. "I do think about that now and again, but it's not something that can be helped. We know well that Takuma-sama won't hold back either."

"Why, I wonder," Himeko said softly. "I don't really know why you do what you do, after all…"

"For money is fine, isn't it?"

Himeko blinked, looking at mother. "Sorry-"

"Don't apologise. It's not as if I did explain the most important thing." Mother smiled. "Masato knows well, though. I just do what I do, without apologising for that. For a woman to come this far in the Himemiya isn't something a restful person could do, and now I can't stop. That's all there is to it."

"I see," Himeko said. "And Takuma-sama is the same kind of person?"

"More or less." Mother leaned back in her chair. "So don't let Chikane work too hard. This is my work first and foremost."

"I work as much as I should," I said. "No more and no less."

And besides that, you're being misleading. I suppose I can understand why, all the same, but I don't like it.

What do you call it when someone makes themselves out to be less than they actually are, while still remaining the opposite of humble?

"In any case, we shouldn't talk about ourselves so much," father said. "How about you, Kurusugawa-san? What are you going to be doing while we chase stars?"

"Chikane-chan asks me this as well," Himeko said. "But I don't have any ideas, that's why I'm doing History to begin with."

"I see. Well, I think that's fine, for someone your age. You have plenty of time, right?"

"Maybe. But it's still a little worrying, especially when I compare myself to Chikane-chan." Himeko sighed. "I know you know exactly what you're going to be doing."

"Not really," mother said. "We haven't decided where she's going to start out, actually. In terms of work experience, is one of my companies best, or within the family, or outside it? They all have pros and cons, and we have to consider her own education as well. Whatever she does, that she learns a lot is the most important thing."

"I don't think that's quite what Himeko means," I said lightly.

"It's an important difference, though," mother insisted.

"Either way, you have several years," father said. "I'll be counting on you to look after Chikane, okay?"

"I'm still the one being looked after," Himeko said, smiling shyly.

"That's unexpected," mother said. "Or are you just being polite?"

"Don't be too surprised," I said. "That's worrying in itself."

"I mean it, though," Himeko said. "She's kind and gentle, as I'm sure you know."

"How would I put it?" Mother frowned thoughtfully. "Cool and decorous, elegant and to the point, those are the words I'd use first. I suppose she wouldn't show her soft side around me, though."

"It's fine, isn't it?" father said firmly. "More importantly, we should sort out hotel accommodation. We can't keep bothering Chikane forever."

"It's not a bother," I said automatically.

"I'll have it taken care of soon," mother said. "But I'm curious. More or less kind and gentle than Isato?"

"I don't really know Isato-san enough to say something like that," Himeko said weakly.

"It's fine. You should play to the audience a bit more."

"Dear," Masato said pointedly.

I sighed. Well, I suppose this way Himeko won't _forget_ my family…


	39. Chapter 39

**Chains of Memory: Part 39**

Truthfully I've been having some pretty major problems feeling out the direction of this story recently, but the latter part of this chapter gave me a better feeling. Hopefully I can turn the corner on this block.

Also, when I think about it, Chikane and Himeko are more similar than they look. They both have a martyr complex, the latter overt, the former internalised...

**

* * *

**"You really don't have to do this," I said, sighing and glaring at father.

"I know. But considering the circumstances, I couldn't just let you two go along." Father smiled at me, tilting his head slightly. "Even though I know you're much stronger than me, as well."

"Men are really intolerable at times," I muttered, turning and walking on with Himeko.

Just when I thought we could have some time alone, too.

"It's okay, Chikane-chan," Himeko said. "It's not really a problem, is it?"

"It's a waste of his time," I said. "That's why it's a problem."

Father chuckled. "Yes, yes. I'd drive you, but we came by train."

"You can still drive?" I said, mock-surprised. "I thought you'd have forgotten long ago."

"Harsh. But it's interesting that you act so differently around me and not Kazuho," father said. "I'm reassured, I think."

"It's not really a matter of difference," I said, frowning. "I know you prefer this, anyway."

"From watching Kazuho? You know, it's the same manner of speaking," father said. "But that does make it a good assumption, that I don't mind it."

"It's not the same," I said tiredly. "It's completely different."

Himeko giggled. "You know, it's also a side of you I haven't seen. It's interesting."

"One and both of you, teasing me like this," I said. "It's a bad habit."

"I know. That habit's all me, though." Father stopped as we prepared to cross the road. "You haven't changed, after all. It's a good thing. Remember you don't have to be the ideal daughter all the time."

"I know," I said. "I'd have long since gone mad if that was the case."

"Kurusugawa-san, can I borrow your pendant?" father said.

Himeko blinked. "Eh? Ah, of course…" She pulled it over her head, gingerly handing it to him.

Father looked at it thoughtfully, then glanced at me. "Chikane?"

I sighed, unclasping it and passing it to him. The lights hadn't changed, in spite of my thorough wishes.

He put the two of them side by side, then pushed them together, frowning thoughtfully. It was hard not to remember the first time, long ago, when I'd done the same thing. "Interesting. Did you have this made?"

"How do you even make a shell?" I asked. "No, I didn't. And you don't have to tell us about the probability, I know well. It's something expressed in more than one in a billion, surely?"

"Presumably. Of course, this is a world of six billion people. But it's worth bearing in mind that you two have showed me something amazing today." He separated the pendants, offering them to us. "You should safeguard something so precious."

I frowned. "That one is Himeko's."

"I know. I'm just curious," father said. "Perhaps this is something you could do, for a little while."

I looked up at him, trying to work out what he was curious about. Without being too paranoid, I do have to be cautious.

"Is it okay?" Himeko said, touching my pendant. "I know this is important, Chikane-chan… besides, it seems like I'm getting the better deal." She smiled cheerfully, her eyes innocent.

I smiled back despite myself. "I wonder about that." I took Himeko's pendant, putting it on. "They're both very precious, so it doesn't really matter either way."

Himeko nodded, slipping on my pendant and fumbling with the clasp. I stepped behind her and helped her, feeling her golden hair run over my hands. "There."

"Thank you." Himeko looked at me. "It feels kinda strange, actually."

I nodded, looking at father. The useless one, he can't do anything or manipulate anyone… don't make me laugh. Even though he's smiling innocently, there's too many different ways to read this.

"Let's go, shall we?" Father asked cheerfully.

I blinked, following him across the road. No, if it's him, it's possible he doesn't have any other motives, either. I don't know.

"I'm wondering, though," Himeko said after a moment. "Are you going to be very busy from now on, Chikane-chan?"

"I'm not sure," I said cautiously. "It depends on whether or not mother needs my help, or wants me to come along… it's almost a given that she'll be busy. Since it's rare we're in the same place, I should probably try and benefit from the experience. But on the other hand, if she's dealing with very important matters she may not have time for that. I don't know yet."

"Such an earnest answer," father said, sighing and smiling at me. "Just like your mother, after all."

"Well, sorry for that," I said, turning my head away. "It's true, isn't it?"

"Perhaps, but that's not the important thing. I'll make sure Kazuho lets you breathe at least, okay?"

"It's not necessary," I said calmly. "I can manage by myself."

"That doesn't mean it's what you want to do, though," father said. "Your friends are important as well."

"Well, that's certainly true," I said cautiously, looking at Himeko. "I suppose I could drop one of my club activities…"

"Do you enjoy them?" father asked.

I nodded. "Of course."

"It's okay," Himeko said. "If you're busy, that's fine. I already know you have a lot of important things to do."

"I'll find time," I said. "It's not as if things are that bad yet. Provisionally, Sunday's probably best for me."

Himeko nodded. "I'm not doing anything then, either."

"We can work out the details later," I said, very conscious of father's presence. Honestly, this has been really, really bad timing.

"In any case, I had fun today," Himeko said, smiling at me. "We should do something like that again, okay?"

I nodded, flushing slightly. "That would be good. But I'm not distracting you, am I? How is your work going?"

Himeko pouted. "I've been trying not to think about that. It's… manageable. I'll be okay."

"That's good, I suppose," I said. That reminded me, I was cutting it fine as well. Something to look forwards to tomorrow.

"It's good to be young," father said philosophically.

"Even at your age, you're too young to say that," I said, folding my arms.

"Yes, yes…"

* * *

Luckily, Masato-san decided to wait outside, while Chikane-chan took me up to my flat. She had her thoughtful look again, her lips vaguely compressed into a frown, as if she was thinking of other things. I suppose her parents coming has changed things, after all. Hopefully, though, she's thinking of me as well.

"Thank you for today," I said as we approached my door. "It really was a lot of fun."

"Thank you. For my part, as well." Chikane-chan smiled at me more unguardedly than before. "I'm sorry about getting you involved in so much. This wasn't really the circumstances I wanted."

"It's okay," I said, stopping in front of my door. I played with the straps of my bag nervously. "We can deal with the details later, right?"

She nodded. "Yes. That's best. Though I don't really know if I deserve this, but I really am grateful for that, as well."

"Idiot." I felt my heart twitch as I looked at her. Especially when we're alone, her presence, and the fact that she's looking at me and she cares about me, it makes me a little giddy. I managed to find my courage, leaning forwards and kissing her briefly. "I'll see you later, okay?" I said lightly, looking at her.

Chikane-chan nodded, touching my pendant round her neck. "I'll look after this, too."

I nodded. It's not enough. I want to hold her more. But I know if I did that, I wouldn't be able to stop just holding her for a long time. Her father's waiting, after all. "Mm. Likewise."

"Good night." Chikane-chan stepped back, watching me.

I smiled at her, unlocking my door. "Goodnight."

We both lingered for a moment, then she turned and walked back. I watched her go for a few seconds, before turning away and stepping inside. "I'm back!" I called, closing the door behind me and taking off my shoes.

"Welcome back."

"Welcome back, Himeko."

I blinked, stepping through. It was actually a little surprising now, to see Souma there. Now that I think of it, he really has been coming around less and less recently. Did I upset him or something?

"It's pretty late, you know," Mako-chan said tiredly. "Ah, well. More importantly, did you have fun?"

I nodded. "Yes. It was good, thanks." I sat on my bed, opening my bag and taking out Poro-chan. "I even got a souvenir."

"How old do you think you are?" Mako-chan said, smirking at me.

"Chikane-chan got one as well," I said defensively.

"What? Seriously?"

"A tiger. Apparently she likes them."

Mako-chan sighed. "It's had to think of something that would clash more with her image. Well, the tiger part's okay… just not the stuffed part."

"Are you okay, Himeko?" Souma said tensely. "Nothing happened to you?"

I shook my head, looking at him curiously. "Nothing happened to me. Did you hear, though?"

"Hear what?" he asked, narrowing his eyes slightly.

"Honoka-chan was kidnapped," I said. "Though she's back quickly, and it was fine, but it's still horrible for her. Apparently Chikane's parents were worried about her as well, so they came here."

"Seriously? That's really rough," Mako-chan said. "Is she okay? Honoka-chan, I mean. It seems you two were fine."

"Apparently she's fine," I said. "She's with her family. Chikane's family are going to see her tomorrow, I think."

"I see. What were they after? Money? I guess the Himemiya are that rich, after all…"

"I don't know," I said. "Though that's what Chikane's parents thought. Apparently these things have happened before."

"That really sucks," Mako-chan reflected, leaning back in her seat. "I guess it's not just the good stuff, being that rich, after all…"

I nodded, looking curiously at Souma. He was silent and he didn't look happy. When he met my eyes, he just nodded briefly. It's not something I could say out loud- probably the Orochi.

"It's okay, I think," I said. "They're strong people, so they can probably handle it."

"Besides which, you actually met her parents," Mako-chan said. "What are they like? Lord and lady, that kind of feeling?"

I frowned slightly, cocking my head. "Not really. They're pretty much normal, I think. Her father's really nice, and her mother… is very direct. In a good way."

"I see. That's almost disappointing." Mako-chan smiled. "Well, if they were too scary, you wouldn't be able to say anything to them. I guess this way is better. Do they approve of you?"

"Approve of me?" I asked, blinking.

"It feels like they should disapprove of any mere commoners associating with Himemiya-Hime," Mako-chan said. "Playing against type, it's dull."

"Well, they don't hate me, as far as I can tell," I said, smiling. "Though I couldn't tell you more than that. I've only just met them, after all."

And then there's the most important thing I really want to say, which is something I can't say because Souma is here. It's really strange, but there are really important things I can't tell Mako-chan, and really important things I can't tell him. I'm not quite sure when things became like this, after all.

It makes me feel a little lonely.

"I suppose it's a start, anyway," Mako-chan said.

"How was your day?" I asked. "Did you do anything interesting? There was a track meet, right?"

Mako-chan nodded. "Well, it was the same as ever. By now it's all routine, isn't it?"

"I guess so," I said. "Though I have a lot of work left to do."

"Don't remind me," Mako-chan said gloomily. "I'm the same."

Souma glanced at me. "How was Himemiya? The same as ever?"

I nodded. "Chikane-chan doesn't really change, either. She was a little worried about her parents being there, though. I know they mean a lot to her."

"That's surprising," Souma said.

"You think so?" I asked curiously.

"Well, that's not really part of her image, either," Mako-chan said lightly. "She's a disappointingly real person, after all."

"She very much admires her mother," I said playfully. "If that helps. As far as I can tell, it's her who deals with all the business side of things, and the family politics. She actually explained all that to me."

"Really?" Mako-chan said.

I nodded. "Competition for the position of head of household. It's all very dramatic. Isato really is Chikane-chan's rival."

"I see," Mako-chan said. She adjusted her position, looking at me. "So, are you dating her?"

I blinked. "Um." I looked between them, but Souma didn't say anything. I sighed, grabbing my pendant… Chikane-chan's pendant. "Yes. I guess."

"Really? You took your time, but I guess this is fine too," Mako-chan said.

"Congratulations," Souma said, smiling.

"Thank you," I said, looking at him uncertainly. He doesn't look unhappy, but I'm not sure. I can't really read his emotions right now.

"You're really growing up," Mako-chan said. "Or something. I guess I'll just have to accept my cute Himeko being stolen from me."

"It's not like I'm going anywhere," I said lightly.

"I suppose so," Mako-chan said. "For now, at least."

"By the way, I had a visit from my brother," Souma said coolly, looking at me.

I frowned slightly.

"Kazuki-sensei? Really? Is he still here?" Mako-chan asked. "Can we see him?"

"He left," Souma said. "He won't be back here for a long time, he said."

"That's a shame," Mako-chan said. "Hey, you should tell us these things earlier. Was he okay, at least?"

"He seemed happy," Souma said. "I'm sure he's fine. He's that kind of person, right?"

"Well, yes," Mako-chan said. "I guess so."

Which one? I'm not sure. But if Tsubasa has left, that's good for us. Maybe he didn't have anything to do with this, after all.

"In any case, you should have told us," Mako-chan said. "We wanted to see him as well. You too, Himeko. Next time, have Chikane come here, okay? She'll have to settle for trying to win my approval."

I nodded, smiling slightly at the thought. And after that, we talked of other things, what our lecturers were like and how much work we were putting off, and it was almost like we were back in Mahoroba, like before. Back at the start of all this, in this flat, discussing my chance meeting with a pretty girl called Chikane Himemiya. Things are different now; I'm becoming aware of that. Souma and I both have fundamentally different experiences, memories, at least far as I know… I don't want Mako-chan to remember either. She was hurt and I left her behind that time, as well. And now- she's still my friend, an important friend who I can talk to about a lot. And when I hardly knew what to think, she was the first person to accept my feelings for Chikane-chan. It's usual to keep secrets from your friends, even though they're normally a little different from these ones.

But the difference between 'a lot' and 'everything' is significant, after all. Maybe Chikane-chan felt this way about people from the start.

* * *

"Let's go," I said, pulling my hair out behind me and glaring at father.

"Okay. Let's go back." Father smiled at me, falling into my pace as we walked back the way we came. "I'm sorry I was so insistent. But I really can't rest easily after what happened to Honoka-chan, after all."

"It's fine," I said. "Though I can look after myself, I appreciate the thought."

"As ever, you're considerate. More so than me." Father smiled. "You've grown up a lot while I've been following after Kazuho, you know."

"I know," I said. "That's what children do, you know."

Father laughed. "You're right."

"We should go back," I said. "Whatever you say, I want to sleep while I can. We are going to busy from now on."

"It's possible," father said. "I don't know what Kazuho intends. For my part, after meeting Kurusugawa-san, I'm surer than ever before… the right thing to do is to let you have a relatively normal life. You can pick up work experience in its own good time."

"Maybe," I said. "How much time do we have left? Not that I wish for this, but- you understand."

"I don't know," father said. "Shuusei was still alive and well at the last gathering but he's not young. Though if it's that man, it's possible he'll live to one hundred on spite."

"Quite," I said. "It can't be helped, after all. But we can't be sure."

"It's not your timetable I'm worried about," father said. "It's been too long already. No one is going to be happy if we continue like this."

"So we give up?" I asked sourly.

"That's not it. That's not the problem." Father sighed, looking hard at me. "You and Kazuho, it's all you two see now. The contest, what you have to prove. I can understand that in her, but for you…"

"I know what he said on that day, and what happened, and everything connected to it," I said coolly. "What you did, as well. Now that I'm old enough to understand, that's not something that can be forgiven."

"So she told you. I suppose she wasn't wrong to do that, either." Father sighed. "But believe me, I hate that memory as much as you two. Even so, I don't think anyone would end up satisfied with the way things far. It's been too long, too much anger, too much hate… even so, Kazuho is his daughter, and he is Kazuho's father. I'd be happier if they could reconcile, even if only a little."

"Is something like that possible?" I asked. We approached the station, carefully crossing another road. "It's been too long, just as you said. We won't forgive Shuusei-sama without his apology. He will never apologise, or accept the world as it is now. It's impossible to move forwards."

Father stopped for a moment. "Chikane, what do you think about forgiveness?"

I glanced back at him, repressing a momentary flash of fear. This and that aren't connected. "It's a little late for philosophy," I said. "But, it's not an entitled thing. To apologise unreservedly is necessary to receive forgiveness, and even then, it can be withheld. Apologising is the right thing to do in itself." I looked away. "Especially for unforgivable things."

"Do you think so?" Father asked. "That's an interesting perspective."

"I think so," I said simply.

If you don't apologise, you're choosing to walk a path where there's no hope for forgiveness. I know that well. But can that be the better path to choose, for never subjecting your victim to your regrets, to let them hate you without reservation and without the perceived obligation to forgive? I don't know that. Even now, I can't understand the right thing to do. Perhaps Tsubasa is right and never seeing her again would be best… but that would require me to ignore her will, just as I did before. Is rightness objective or subjective? What I believe, or what Himeko believes? And who suffers when the other has their way?

Father pulled out his ticket, using it and stepping through the barrier. He turned and waited for me, nodding and heading towards the platform. "I say it's interesting because my perspective is exactly the opposite," he said. "Forgiveness doesn't have anything to do with whether the person apologises, or whether they have any regrets, or whether they even acknowledge the action as a wrong. Whatever they think, you forgive them for what they did. It sounds weak, but it's actually a strange power. I can admire that. After all, what they did is what they did, whether they ask for an apology or not."

"It can be terrifying," I agreed. "Forgiveness. But I can't think of it as an abstract principle. The forgiveness of the martyr isn't very appealing… it's a matter of a real thing for real people, and it's so hard to give it only has value if the one receiving forgiveness understands clearly. Even then, they should remember themselves. What they did is what they did, they shouldn't ever forget that."

"Perhaps," father said. "But if forgiveness is to have any value between people, surely it has to be accepted? Ignoring those words and continuing to blame yourself is as demeaning as ignoring those words and claiming innocence, from that perspective."

"No," I said coldly. "Though it's best to accept them if that's what they believe, for your own part, you still have to remember." I touched Himeko's pendant briefly, stepping out onto the platform. "So that what is, is never again… you have to remember."

Father nodded. "People don't conform to a universe of absolute right and wrong, though. In that situation you have to decide between moral principle and a reality of imperfect humanity. None of us are innocent."

"I know," I said flatly. "I know."

Perhaps this is the right way, father's way. I'm happier and Himeko is happier, since things are now like this. Just as father said, that's the reality of our relationship. But I can't shake the principles I've violated… in a just world I would never be forgiven. I'm not superstitious, but it is hard to let go of justice. More than anything else I know well that there are sins that need to be punished. This peace sits uneasily with me even now.

"Well, I'll concede this much," father said. "Even I find it very difficult to practise what I preach, and for Kazuho it's too different. It wasn't me who was betrayed."

"The right thing doesn't have much to do with a reality of imperfect humanity, after all," I observed, sitting down on a free bench.

Father sat next to me. "Apparently so. But perhaps aspirations are important, as well. It's not something we can ever clearly decide. We simply rely on our intuition, for the most part. I suppose you and Kazuho feel the same way."

I shook my head. "No, I think it's different. And I think mother feels differently from you. Remember her conversation with Himeko? The time mother was threatened, and what Shuusei-sama arranged thereafter… it's still a story she repeats, speaking with pride. For my part, I still acknowledge Shuusei-sama not just as a matter of form, but because he is this good. As unfortunately as it is for us. I know he should have retired long ago, he's pushed himself far more than he should ever have done, as much as mother. I'm forced by that to acknowledge he has belief as well as spite, however wrong that belief is." I closed my eyes. "For mother, she probably knows even more. Though you know her far more than me, I think mother already understands she'll be pained and regretful when Shuusei-sama dies without reconciling with her. Despite that, she stays this way… perhaps because she thinks it's the right thing to do, irrespective of her human self. That some things should remain unforgivable."

"The right thing to do, is it?" Father sighed. "Those words can also be terrifying. It's possible that's the case, I'll admit, but even then my feelings don't change. I don't believe that is the right thing to do. Kazuho has already compromised so many principles… so have I. We're not the people we used to be." He looked at me, smiling heavily. "This isn't an easy path to take, you know. You're much purer than we are. I wish I could believe you'd be able to remain that way, and I wish Kazuho chose another principle to cling to, rather than that one."

"Well, I don't know mother's true feelings," I said. "They're something she'd entrust to you, rather than me. I'm not naïve, though. I know the things I'll have to do. I'm not going to change my mind. And I'm not innocent, either. I also have mistakes I have made, and things I can no longer believe in."

"You've grown up, after all." Father looked at me. "And does Kurusugawa-san know that? I wonder what her image of you is?"

"She knows, better than anyone else but me," I said. "You know, right? You can't hide things from people close to you. You've been supporting mother all this time."

"I can fool myself a lot, though," father said. "Being in love with someone isn't just a matter of seeing them clearly. Isn't it the most fundamentally tribal impulse? Tribes begin with that feeling… and I'm part of the Himemiya tribe now. Perhaps Kurusugawa-san can see a little more clearly than me."

"It's nice," I said. "Being able to talk to you like this. There aren't many people I could have this conversation with."

"In my case, I'm glad to have it with someone other than Kazuho," father said. "We've already seen that through to a standstill too many times. You and her both appear to be pragmatists, doing what has to be done, but that's wrong. It's an idealism, of a kind. You do everything for a reason, and that reason is something you believe in. That's why I want you to believe in something other than the Himemiya… in addition, not instead of. The Himemiya as a thing could break you. I think it broke Shuusei long ago."

"I believe in other things," I said, looking down at my feet. "Something that all but goes against my loyalties to the Himemiya. That's also a thing that could break you, such a tension. It scares me."

"Is that so? Can you tell me what it is?"

"It's an old story," I said. "At the expense of sounding arrogant, the same thing happened to mother a long time ago. Subsequently, I was born."

Father laughed. "That is an old story. She'd fought the idea of an arranged marriage from the start, though… at some point from the most traditional of households she emerged. No, it might be because Shuusei forced his views on her that she made the decisions she did."

"That's not true of me," I said. "I believe in what mother is doing. You're right about that. But I don't want to damage what we're trying to achieve. Even so, this isn't something I can give up."

"What are they like?" Father asked softly.

"I'm not sure how to put it without making a fool of myself," I said. "Different from me. Gentle, kind. Probably not as intelligent as me, definitely not as privileged as me, but with something I don't have, an easy warmth, a sincerity… it's a quality I could never even attempt, but it's fascinating. Not exactly being serious, but probably, earnest. It's hard to describe. Vulnerability, too, but not without the ability to take care of someone. They're- nice. In many different ways."

"I see," father said slowly. "In that… no, I don't think you have to say anything more than that. I think I understand."

I smiled, sighing wanly. "I like her. Himeko. If I can't even tell you, there's no hope for me, after all."

"It feels like I should have known you well enough to know that," father said. "Otoha-san knows, doesn't she?"

I nodded. "And apart from her, a few of Himeko's friends, and that's all. I'm not exactly out of the closet." I looked up at the sky. "And yes, it's been always and only girls, for as long as I can remember. I don't even know why I'm telling you this, actually. I'm just tired enough it seems like a good idea."

Father put a hand on my shoulder. "Whatever you decide, I'll support you. Kazuho as well. She's had too much exposure to the biases of parents to ever put you through the same ordeal."

"I know," I said. "But there's a wider world than you, something I'd have to face myself. And Shuusei-sama would never, ever accept it."

"I'm not sure if he'd actually believe it," father said. "He's just old fashioned enough to be a bigot about this, without seeing clearly what came before from our culture. But that's a different discussion. How serious is it?"

"There's nothing to be said yet," I said. "It feels serious. I'm sure everything does, at my age."

"Not everything. But in that case, I'll say the same thing. You should have time to be young, and to be yourself," father said. "Worry about what comes after, after."

"I wonder about that," I said. That would be easier if the Orochi weren't watching me. Hopefully our détente will hold for now. I need it.

"Trust me on this," father said, smiling. "I trust you on this."

I nodded. "But don't tell mother. Not yet. I want to do that myself."

"If you insist, I'll do that," father said. "But she wouldn't ever hold it against you, while she might be upset at being left out of the loop."

"It's not like that. It's just… it feels like when I tell mother she'll be expecting me to have a strong resolution. Right now, I'm not that certain." I looked at him. "You're right in that respect, I do need more time. When I can tell her clearly and without apology, I will. I think that's what she wants to see."

Father nodded. "Perhaps. In the meantime, I'll do what I can. You need me to be your misleading advocate, don't you? That might be why you told me to begin with."

I smiled weakly. "I'm sure I didn't think that far ahead. But I will need a little time. Of course, if you don't want to deceive mother, I understand that."

"It's not deception. I told you earlier that I'd make sure you'd have time to yourself. What you do with that is nothing to do with my resolve."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"So… sorry to impose on you," father said, rubbing the back of his head. "That changes things a little."

"It was our first date, too," I said lightly.


	40. Chapter 40

**Chains of Memory: Part 40**

And after a week's delay, a Himemiya chapter. The excitement, I know... Himeko can have a go next, of course. Only 2 weeks left until the end of term, so hopefully I can recover myself thereafter.

Chikane and her family is a sore I can't help but prod, though. At least my plutocrats are only partially lawful evil...

**

* * *

**"_Define… love."_

_I look up at Orochi, sighing and closing my eyes. "What's with that? I thought I was a practical person."_

"_Of course," Rook says. "For that reason, it's worthwhile to talk about it. I know you won't use cliché and platitudes in your reply, and I know you understand the contradictions I'm so aware of."_

"_Love is seen as a beautiful thing, but it's an extreme emotion that can push people over the edge this easily, and causes so much pain?" I smile. "It keeps people breeding, right? I think we're predisposed to think of love as a wonderful thing. It's seen as such a wonderful, advanced, civilised thing, but I wonder about that. Of course, breeding also means forcing someone to look at you and only you. It's a survival strategy for women."_

"_That's very pat, isn't it?" Rook says. "I've thought about that, too. It leaves us in a strange place, for a start."_

"_Well, we have hands to pick up sticks and minds to learn to hunt. Or at least, everything began that way. Our capabilities don't have intentions beyond survival, so we can do with them what we will." I touched my cheek thoughtfully. "So is love about survival, or something with which we have done what we will? Or both, I suppose. Or different between different people. Life isn't simple, after all."_

"_Isn't that so?" Rook murmurs. She's also lying down on the Torii gate, looking up at the sky. "Love makes you think life is simple, and complex. It doesn't discriminate in that respect."_

"_It's probably as exactly as complex as we want to make it," I say. "Or does that imply too much conscious control?"_

"_I wonder. The truth is we're probably looking for patterns where none exist." She smiles. "But that feels like losing."_

_She's in a good mood. She would deny it if I say anything, though. I'll let her be. "I don't like losing."_

"_Indeed." Rook looks at me. "You're going hunting with a friend, and you can hunt either a stag or a hare, without knowing what they're picking. A stag is worth more, but you need the other person to also be looking for a stag. What do you do?"_

"_Game theory, is it?" I close my eyes briefly. "It's very easy to forget that you're not special or exceptional beyond your most immediate of experiences. Before the Orochi matter, you had my education, lived my life, give or take…"_

"_Without my mother, and with my father far away." Rook stretched her arms. "In any case, just answer."_

"_Just pick the stag, isn't it really that simple?" I turn my head and watch Orochi again. It's really quite pretty. "This isn't a zero sum game. It only takes a moment's thought to realise that both choosing stag is the best outcome, and there's no benefit in being contrary."_

"_Right. And if you were accompanying Himeko?"_

_I smirk at that mental image. "I don't think she's the hunting type. My answer doesn't change, though. She could get into trouble otherwise, if I wasn't around to protect her."_

"_The answer doesn't change, but the reason does. That's the interesting thing." Rook closes her eyes. "And if it were Souma Ogami?"_

"_As tempting as it is to let him be kneed in the crotch by a stag, I'd still co-operate," I say. "I at least respect him that much. I think he at least recognises me, as well. Or perhaps he'd feel the need to protect me, which would be a little ridiculous."_

"_He hasn't changed, then. I'll admit a guilty pleasure in punting him around with my power." She shrugs at my reproachful look. "I didn't kill him, though that would have been simple. He was supposed to look after and protect Himeko until the end."_

"_Did he manage it?" I ask._

"_I don't know," Rook reminds me. "I haven't ever known the ending. In any case, what if it were the First Neck, Tsubasa?"_

"_I'd hunt a hare," I say. "Rational theories don't apply to him even tangentially. He'd definitely choose a sub-optimal course to have the chance to see me suffer."_

"_Ideals and the reality of people are fairly different," Rook observes. "Our real decisions are complicated by what we know of that one single person… love is probably the same, after all."_

"_Ah." I sigh. "I'm aware of that, you know. I need my ideas of my feelings simplified rather than the reverse."_

"_I can't help you with that. I am you." Rook smirks. "Well, work hard."_

"_Thanks for that," I say dryly. "Aren't you going to do your catch-phrase, though? 'What do you want to see tonight?'"_

"_If you want to see, just ask. But I don't really care. The Queen said this as well, from here on out, it's your and her party." Rook laughed. "She has that kind of sense of humour, too."_

"_It feels like I'm missing a critical in-joke," I say. I shrug, lying back and closing my eyes. "Well, you aren't wrong. Leave it to me."_

"_Gladly."_

_I raise a hand and frame Orochi's spiral between my fingers, frowning thoughtfully to myself. My past, isn't it too prescriptive for my future? 'Destined love'- with apologies to my father, I can't believe in that at all. But this is fun and interesting, and that is reality. I can only trust to that._

_There's no destiny this time. There's no swords, no gods, no unhappy ending. Getting to know Rook, I'm beginning to understand the value of that. Something that is taken for granted for many people is an indescribable boon to me… an existence that is only to serve Ame no Murakumo doesn't expect a normal life. No, I can't believe in that, either. I suppose a god doesn't need my acceptance. All of that is another reason, as well. Tsubasa was wrong. If I'm just the cat's paw of an uncaring god, then that's all the more reason to take what happiness I can from this world with my own hands. _

_I wonder what other places would be good for dates._

* * *

"Good morning, Ojou-sama."

I yawned widely, looking up at the ceiling and blinking rapidly. "Good morning, Otoha-san…"

"Your parents are already getting ready. I thought you might want to do the same thing."

I pushed myself up unsteadily, looking blearily at the clock. The stuffed tiger looked back at me, perched regally next to a flowerpot. "I see. Mother is too unreasonable, after all. Fine, just give me a moment."

Otoha-san nodded, holding my clothes. "As you say."

I yawned, pulling my hair out of my eyes and trying to get a semblance of consciousness together. It's too easy to forget those dreams are tiring. I suppose being conscious while you sleep isn't supposed to happen, after all. "What are we doing today? Visiting Eikou and Honoka?"

"That was mentioned, unless plans have been changed," Otoha-san said.

"I understand." I stood, swaying slightly before righting myself and beginning to unbutton my pyjamas. "Fine. I'll get ready."

"As you wish," Otoha-san said, placing my clothes neatly on the bed and standing by patiently.

I pulled my top over my head, shivering slightly in the morning cold. "What's for breakfast?"

"I don't know," Otoha-san remarked.

I blinked. "You don't know?"

"I don't know," Otoha-san said, her words carefully framed glass. "Grandmother… Hizuru-san is taking care of it. A matter of deference to hierarchy, I am told."

"Is that so?" I said slowly. I passed her my pyjama trousers, giving her a thoughtful look. "Perhaps I should have a word with her. Even if is only for a few days, and even though this place is more accurately my mother's property, I should retain a little dignity as a host."

"If those are your true feelings she would surely defer to them," Otoha-san said, folding up my pyjamas and putting them on the floor. "But if you will allow me to be arrogant, please don't say anything that is solely on my behalf. She would surely trouble me thereafter, even while deferring to you, as if I was using your power inappropriately."

"I see. Truthfully, a troublesome person," I said bluntly. I glanced at her. "How bad is it?"

"It isn't a problem," Otoha-san said evasively. "I know well that I have a long way to go. Even so, speaking honestly her attitude to me hasn't changed at all since I was a small child being taught by her. I was a little surprised by that."

"I see," I said. "That must be extremely troublesome. Perhaps I should have a word. With mother, if not with her."

"I would rather you didn't," Otoha-san said, passing my underwear. "Though I am very thankful for your thoughts."

"I see." I looked sidelong at her, frowning. That formal expression was something she only really used when she was tense, for whatever reason she had to be so. It worried me. "If it's appropriate tuition, there's nothing more to be said, of course. But if it's harassment, I won't tolerate that. It would reflect on me as well, wouldn't it?"

"It's not harassment," Otoha-san said, lowering her eyes slightly. "I went too far. Truthfully, it's only normal. I'm sorry for bothering you."

"Hmm," I said noncommittally, raising my arms as she put my bra on. Hizuru Kisaragi, Otoha-san's grandmother… if their relationship hadn't changed at all, that would be troublesome indeed, since Otoha-san had changed a lot. But about this, perhaps not. Her deference to Hizuru-san is both commendable and frustrating. But if I did interfere without her permission, that would be patronising. In the end, I'm left in a rather unsatisfactory position. Right now, of all times, I need Otoha-san to be fully collected and supporting me. Well, Hizuru should shortly be quite distant from us, when my parents move to a hotel.

"If you don't mind me asking, how is your… situation?" Otoha-san asked delicately.

I flushed, looking down slightly. And then there are my issues, of course. "Things are- okay. Good, I suppose. We're somewhat official."

"I see. Congratulations." Otoha-san helped me button up my shirt, her voice neutral. "It seems like the timing isn't great, though."

"I know that well," I said wanly. "Oh, and also… I told father."

Otoha-san stopped for a moment. "I see." She carried on.

"Was that unwise?" I asked nervously.

"You know Masato-sama far better than I, and such honesty may well be for the best," Otoha-san said. "But have you told Kazuho-sama?"

I shook my head. "I need time. Mother wouldn't accept anything less than my full confidence."

"I see." Otoha-san pulled my hair back into place, letting it fall over my white blouse. "That may be wise, but shouldn't you be careful? Though I know these things only slenderly, Masato-sama is not predisposed in personality to conceal things from Kazuho-sama."

"Father is honest," I said firmly. "He wouldn't betray me."

"Of course. But he's honest… I've always thought it's difficult for him to hide things from people. Kazuho-sama, perhaps before all others."

"Well, perhaps," I said. "But mother is distracted right now. Just as long as I'm cautious and careful, there should be no problem. More than anyone else, I know she's intelligent and perceptive… but she's not omniscient. It's fine, with the proper precautions."

Otoha-san nodded. "You may well be right. Touching on that theme, though. I'm going to be busy with shopping, just as usual."

"Of course," I said, a little confused. I adjusted my skirt slightly, tucking my blouse into it. "More than usual, then? Is Hizuru-san asking you for something?"

"You may well be busier than usual, with various things," Otoha-san said evasively. She walked across the room, picking up a brush from the table on the side. "In deference to that, if you tell me when it would be convenient for me to leave this flat and go shopping, and how long you expect to be busy, that would be useful. Of course, if it's not necessary there's no need."

I blushed as I understood her meaning. "I will bear that in mind," I said weakly. "Thank you."

"It is of no trouble. This is also a discretionary duty." Otoha-san began to brush my hair. "Of course, I'm not advocating anything. But what Ojou-sama decides is what Ojou-sama decides, and this place may be more convenient than others."

"As you say." I bit my lip, frowning to myself. There's no need to be embarrassed about something like this. Well, not as if I plan to do… this and that… not yet anyway, but even kissing isn't something that can be done outdoors. I should be grateful she raised this. I wouldn't have, not yet. "But I will probably have to be careful of my family, won't I? I don't know if they intend to come here often."

"I'm not sure," Otoha-san said. "I will talk to Hizuru-san."

"Be discreet," I said. Hizuru-san finding out… would be very bad indeed, with very few things in any way worse than that.

"Of course, I wouldn't give anything away," Otoha-san said. "Even she has to concede I have some role here, and some need to anticipate the arrival of guests."

"Though mother tends to come and go as she pleases," I reflected glumly.

"Mobile phones are more convenient, even for her," Otoha-san said lightly. "It may be best if you leave it on from now on, unless it's a really extreme circumstances."

"I will," I said testily. "I've been reminded of that plenty of times already, without you saying anything."

"Of course. I apologise for that." Otoha-san stepped back, letting me turn and look at the mirror. I was dressed in a plain black skirt and a white blouse, closer to business clothes than my normal fashion. Of course, this would be a more formal visit than my last. This time, through Eikou's deference to mother, I would have the higher status. It was a strange thought. He is one of very few men I consider able to stand on the same ground as mother, after all.

"Is that fine?" Otoha-san asked.

I nodded, frowning thoughtfully. "Though are skirts really fine? I know mother always wears trousers."

"I think you are better like this," Otoha-san said. "And I also think Kazuho-sama wears trousers so you may wear a skirt."

I smiled at that, nodding. Good, she's a little more relaxed, like usual. "You're probably right, after all. Nor am I ready to compare myself to mother."

"Breakfast will probably be ready shortly," Otoha-san said, stepping back and opening the door. I stepped out, heading to the lounge.

Hizuru-san had indeed monopolised the kitchen, while Sarah-san was working on something on her laptop while eating some bread. My parents weren't there, though.

"Good morning," I said brightly, taking my usual place at the table.

"Good morning, Chikane-sama," Hizuru-san said precisely. "Please forgive me, breakfast will take a few more minutes."

"Morning, Chikane-san," Sarah-san said absently.

"That's not an appropriate form of address for the mistress' daughter," Hizuru-san said tersely.

"I see," Sarah-san said, not looking up from her screen.

I smiled weakly, feeling a little bemused. I didn't really mind, but would giving way be weak in a situation like this?

Hizuru sniffed. "And come help at once, Otoha. Have more consideration for timing, as well. Getting Chikane-sama up a few minutes early is a mistake, no matter the scale."

"I'm sorry," Otoha-san said, walking into the kitchen.

"Can you pass me the bread, Sarah?" I said, mostly to deflect Hizuru-san's attention.

Sarah-san looked at me for a moment, then nodded and did so. I'm not sure if things are going to be tense between us for such a small reason, but it's also true she's violating the commandment 'when in Rome'… and between discomforting her and Otoha-san, there's really no choice.

I chewed my bread and waited for my parents to come. No, just because we're a family with high status, doesn't necessarily mean we're functioning perfectly, after all. But I think mother probably wants things to be this way, as well.

A family like this is tight enough to operate and free enough to breathe. We shouldn't be ashamed of that.

* * *

"Ah, it's been a while since we played visitors as a family," mother said airily. "When was the last time? My birthday?"

"You spent your birthday giving a speech on worker relations for the modern CEO," father said pointedly.

"Eh? Did I?" mother asked, frowning. "That doesn't sound like me."

"You did too. At Osaka, remember?"

Mother clicked her fingers. "Ah, so I did. But only because Shuusei asked nicely. I didn't realise when he asked. That was definitely deliberate of him."

"Well, you didn't have to obey," father said. "But in your defence, it was a good speech."

"I see. Well, it can't be helped." Mother entered the foyer of the apartments, walking quickly as usual. "Kazuho Himemiya and family to see our relatives here," she said imperiously to the receptionist.

She bowed. "Please go ahead."

"Have you had any requests from Shuusei-sama recently?" I asked curiously.

"No, actually," mother said, walking on towards the lift. "I was expecting him to try and slow me down since my affairs were coming together so neatly, but it's been a month. Perhaps he's sulking."

"It's possible he simply doesn't have anything to do be done," father said. "There's no need to over-think these things."

"I doubt that," mother said. "I should ask someone to see what Takuma is doing, actually. If the old man has cut us off at last, I want to know. But that's not his style. No matter what, he does use us to keep the family running."

"It's been a few weeks," father said. "I'm just glad to have the rest, as should you. I'm sure Chikane didn't mean to make you worry."

"I was just curious," I said. "But with that, I am curious. I haven't had any requests since the first in my first week, either. Though directives for me have never been that common, I suppose."

"Who knows what he's thinking?" mother grumbled, stepping into the lift and indicating the highest floor. "He hasn't even said anything about this matter to me. I'm sure Eikou must have phoned him, as well he might. Something like this isn't something the Himemiya family can look away from."

"There's no need to be mob-like about this," father said. "Though of course, I'm not happy either."

"I'm not saying he should bribe the Inagawa-kai to smash them or anything," mother said. "He should be in communication, that's all."

"I suppose so," father said weakly.

"Besides, if Eikou wanted that to happen he'd do it himself," mother said teasingly.

I smiled weakly, wondering how serious she was. This is a side of the family I've heard alluded to but never addressed. Quite possibly, it's just mother's sense of humour. Well, I know the Himemiya aren't a violent group. But I also know money is eloquent.

"Yes, yes," father said. "Don't say that to his face. If I recall, he's a moderate man."

"He was breathing fire yesterday," mother said. "In any case, it's important we aren't imposing on him. In this situation, the normal rules don't apply. We're here for him, rather than the other way round."

"I understand," I said, nodding.

"Of course," father said reasonably.

"And don't patronise Honoka," she said. "Either that girl is in heavy denial or she genuinely wishes people would stop fussing with her metaphorical hair."

"Just as long as she's not forcing herself," father said. "This family can create that effect."

"Not in Honoka-chan," I said. "I'll admit I don't know her well, but it doesn't feel like that at all."

Mother nodded, stepping through as the doors opened. "Well, whatever is, is. We don't need to feel obliged to know her exact circumstances. This is just normal consideration."

Father and I both nodded.

"So here we go," mother said, stepping forwards and ringing the bell.

A servant opened the door after a few moments, bowing. "Welcome. The master and his family are in the lounge. Shall I take your coats?"

"Thank you," mother said, shrugging off her grey coat and passing it to the maid. Father did the same thing, smiling apologetically.

"There's no need to walk us, I know the way," mother said, shooting off again. I hurried to keep up. She walks too fast; it's a little unreasonable.

"As you wish. Thank you very much."

We hurried through the hall, mother opening the door to the lounge. It was just as I'd seen it last, dark and spacious with huge windows on the right side and elegant modern furniture. This time, however, Eikou and his family were sitting and waiting for us and rose as we entered.

"Sorry to impose," mother said. "I know you're busy, now more than ever, but I felt we had to drop by properly."

"Not at all," Eikou-sama said, stepping forwards. "In this situation I can say it properly. It's been a while, Kazuho-sama, and it's a pleasure to receive you."

"There's no need to be formal," mother said, taking his hand and shaking it firmly. "Your hospitality is much appreciated, to be putting up with my selfish whims."

Ria approached father, bowing her head slightly and smiling. "It's good to see you, Masato-sama. Thank you for coming."

"Not at all," father said. "There's no need to be formal. More importantly, you have my condolences."

"Hey," Honoka-chan said, waving at me as she approached. "You came, too. How are you?"

"I'm fine," I said, smiling. "More importantly, how are you?"

"It's nothing," Honoka-chan said. "It really is nothing, okay?" She sighed. "Everyone's been asking me about it, but it's just boring." She blinked as Ria coughed delicately. "Ah… thank you for your concern, Chikane-sama."

"It's nothing," I said, feeling slightly unnerved. "Chikane is fine."

"I see. Thank you." Honoka smiled at me. As far as I could tell, she really was none the worse for wear. Or rather, I had to wonder whether she was enjoying the attention. Though we've had bad kidnappings in the family, this probably wasn't one of them.

I kept myself neutral as we traded places and I greeted Eikou and Ria in turn. It feels like a very strange situation. I'm used to Otoha-san addressing me as she does though I know her so well, but Honoka doing the same thing feels fundamentally more strange. How does that work? It's not a matter of being younger- for me, Shuusei-sama is second nature, among others. Or is it that I could more easily see Honoka as a friend? At least her parents addressed me more normally.

We sat down after that, on opposite sides of the large black coffee table. A few servants entered with tea. Even a branch family in this modern penthouse holds onto that part of the Himemiya tradition, it's a little surprising.

"How are the police doing?" mother said, with characteristic bluntness.

"It depends on what you mean by how," Eikou-sama said. "They have confessions, but that's not unsurprising. They're content to leave it at that, though, so in that respect their answer hasn't changed."

"What are you going to do?" mother asked.

"I'm inclined to let it be," Eikou said. "I've seen these men. They are nowhere near competent enough to be in on something bigger. As far as I can tell, they're just street thugs. No tattoos, no talent, no organisation. It doesn't even seem like they knew exactly who they had kidnapped."

"We shouldn't treat them too harshly," Honoka said matter-of-factly. "I was scared at first, but they weren't bad people."

"I know you may think that, darling, but these are dangerous men," Ria-sama said gently. "They did kidnap you."

"I'm fine, though," Honoka insisted. "They didn't even ask for money, right? They're not bad people."

"It's something I'll decide," Eikou-sama said. "Unless you have any strong feelings on the matter, Kazuho-sama. Any link to your side is speculative at best, though the 'Hime-chan' remains open."

"If that's what is, that's what it is," mother said. "I'll trust your judgement. It makes me feel a little foolish, rushing down here so suddenly."

"No. When it's your child, that's more than understandable," Eikou said. "I'm almost glad. This attack was relatively harmless, but lets me reconsider our situation. Even though we're not political or overly prominent in the public eye, we are what we are. Increased security might be appropriate."

"Can you stop him from talking like that?" Honoka-chan asked plaintively. "I'm already kinda weird at school, having bodyguards or something would be terrible."

"We understand your feelings, but it's a question of safety that's very important," father said, smiling disarmingly. "We're also considering something like that for Chikane."

I bit back a protest myself. That would be… so… thoroughly… inconvenient. Especially considering the Orochi.

"Is that so?" Honoka-chan said, pouting.

"Well, it's only something we're considering," father said. "I'm sure it's the same for you."

Eikou-sama nodded. "Thank you for your concern."

"What with the court matter a while ago and now this, this world is becoming dangerous for us," mother said philosophically. "Perhaps more than in the immediate past. But I can't shake the feeling that responding to that is losing."

"It isn't desirable. But some things can't be helped," Ria-sama said gravely.

"By the way, how's Himeko-chan?" Honoka asked, looking at me.

I blinked. "Ah, she's just fine. She conveys her deepest condolences and hopes you're holding up."

Honoka-chan giggled. "I see. I bet she didn't use those words. But just as long as she is okay. If I'm thinking about it, I know those guys didn't want me, and I'd never call you Hime-chan."

"Ah," I said nervously. "I suppose so."

"Forgive us for intruding, but Honoka was vague on the specifics," Eikou-sama said. "This Himeko Kurusugawa, is she a particularly prominent person? It's a slender connection, but the more intuitive solutions have held no relevance for this case."

"There's nothing more than the nothing I'm sure you found in your research," mother said coolly. "Himeko-chan is of no particular birth. She was educated in Mahoroba, and knew of Isato-kun. She knows Chikane. That's all. It's only another link to our side, and not a strong one."

"Is that so?" Eikou said. "I'm sorry for asking something so strange."

"Not at all. I should have mentioned it myself. You can ask us anything, no matter how obscure."

"I can't understand it, though," Eikou said. "To know our name without understanding its significance is almost a contradiction. Or am I too arrogant?"

"As you say, we aren't public figures as such," mother said. "No more than other businessmen."

"In any case, shall we talk about something a little more cheerful?" father suggested brightly. "I know this must be an unpleasant topic, though I appreciate your words. As you say, we also need to consider our own position in light of this."

"If you need anything, feel free to ask," Eikou-sama said. "If that is agreeable, we can leave this as it is."

"Of course, the converse is true," mother said. "And I may need your power in future."

"That can also be discussed at another time," Eikou said cautiously.

"Do you have any news of our relatives from Kyoto?" Ria-sama asked delicately. "I've talked to them briefly, of course, even recently, but I know you'd know better than anyone else, Kazuho-sama."

"You do me too much credit," mother said. "But I did see Fuuga and his family very recently. They're all doing well."

"I suppose he told you about his daughter's violin recital?" father said, smiling. "She has become even better since we last heard her."

I was distracted from the natural instinct to make the right polite noises by the sight of Honoka-chan making a face and swinging her legs slightly. I tried not to smile, shooting her a sympathetic look. She returned it, mouthing 'let's play later'. She broke off when Ria almost imperceptibly touched her knee, and stated to make the right polite noises.

And I did the same thing. And of course, we were all very good at it.

Perhaps later I'll play Wii with Honoka and she'll complain about school, and father (poor father) will talk about the extended family with Ria, and possibly the literature they both like so much and the business matters they know more about than some think, and mother and Eikou will discuss Shuusei-sama's directives and family politics and the state of the economy, and at some point the three groups might come together again and talk of the stock exchange, of politics, and all matters of mutual interest. It feels like conversation as such only occurs between those two points, but it's possible I'm just cynical.

But it's nostalgic. These past few weeks, this past month, has mostly been distant from this world, and it's a strange homecoming to remember that this is also what my dynamic, brash mother does, something my father always helps her with. Something I will do when I am called upon to do it, and some decades in the future, if nothing goes wrong, I will be the one to take the lead, to be addressed with deference by my cousins of various degrees removed, following the orders of Kazuho-sama. I would like to live in that world, I still do. But it's also… confined. Defined. Less natural than the things I've experienced with Himeko and Saotome, Souma and even the Orochi. Those relationships are fluid, not hedged in by rules and conventions, and there's a strange comfort when like and dislike need only to be slenderly hidden, and I can address my equals as equals. Even so, I know that I can't live that way all the time. Mother's thought is clear on this. Whatever else she thinks of deference and obligation and family, and however much she believes the Himemiya must change in a changing world, she also believes that this must stay the same. The Himemiya as they are can only be because of these traditions. Are we naïve to try and hold onto these things? I often wonder about that.

But mother would not be suited for her goal if she did not believe in our family, somehow. And she would not have married father, if she wanted nothing but a life of polite, proper obligation. Both of us can only say and do what we believe to be right, one way and the other. No, everyone.

HoH


	41. Chapter 41

**Chains of Memory: Part 41**

I've always thought that one of the shared, interesting points of Shizuru and Chikane was their external perfection set against internal discord... like a lot of their other points, it's an ambiguous characteristic, but at least they don't buy their own press.

**

* * *

**I lay back in bed, lifting up Chikane's pendant and gazing at it distractedly. It's the same. It really is. Though I've known that for a long time, even now it's hard to understand. Is this Ame No Murakumo's power? I don't want the world to be that simple. But now that I've met her parents, it reinforces the fact that she was given this in the same way I was given my own. She has a kind father and an interesting mother, people who are very important to her, and that makes sense of the things she forces herself to do, in her own way. I'm glad for her. Or maybe I just know I should be glad for her. Whatever else, I can't forget that my parents are dead and I'm alone. No, maybe not alone, but it is lonely. And through everything I clung to the idea that my parents were somehow different, special, in their kindness, and the nice things they said to me. It's always felt like it's not enough for them to be special to me, not after everything else I've experienced. To have something I could point to and say 'that was lucky for me, not many people have that'. My hand closed around the shell, feeling it dig into the palm of my hand.

I don't want explanations. I don't want these things to be normal. And I don't understand quite what I should make of this connection, even now. This is the treasure passed to Chikane with her father's feelings; this is the treasure he passed to me. I can't make sense of that, but I'm also glad. This is a connection to Chikane-chan. She's an important person, now more than ever, and I'm glad. The way I feel around her, and the ease I have in her company, those things aren't something I've experienced with anyone else before. Though it makes me blush to put it like that, but not with Mako-chan, not with Souma, nothing like that… it's almost unnerving. I know she likes me, and that is enough. But this has also brought me into a more complicated world. She liked me, so she hurt, it happened like that before. A love that caused her to do such a destructive thing to both of us. And Ame No Murakumo and Orochi and the Orochi, the Miko, a mythic past I can hardly comprehend and a mystic world belonging to my dreams. Such uncertainty. These feelings aren't in doubt, but are they destiny? Does that undermine anything at all? I can't know Ame No Murakumo; it's an endlessly distant and incomprehensible existence to me. No, 'destiny' makes me feel more, not less, uncertain. If this is just a love, we can live as lovers do, and what happens will. But things aren't so simple, after all. This world won't go away just for us. Chikane-chan isn't the kind of person who can live that easily.

I sighed wanly, letting my hand fall and pressing it against my breast. The silver chain fell over my pyjamas, sharp and cold. Too many thoughts, it doesn't suit me at all. I suppose it was naïve of me to expect that things would only get simpler. Things are only simple when I'm with her.

And if none of this has happened? What if I'd never met her on the crosswalk on that day? Would we have surely met in another time, another place? Or would I have continued to live peacefully and happily enough without knowing any of this? It's hard to imagine my world without her now, but it's only been a few weeks, after all. Our world can change that quickly, that easily. I'd just be another student, with no knowledge of this past, no problems, no connection to the Orochi, living an easy and slightly naïve life. I probably wouldn't have realised that I'm bisexual. I doubt I'd have any more friends at uni, but it's possible I would. I'd have less reason to disappear at the end of every day and cloister myself at home, waiting for her to call. I'd probably spend more time with my old friends than I do now. I'm not sure if I can afford to feel guilty about that, though. I would see myself as just another girl, as opposed to what I am now, a normal girl who knows she's improbably and irrationally the most abnormal person in this world. I can't feel like a Miko who saved the world, so I won't even try to change that.

I'd be a different person, certainly. But certainly, I'd still be waiting.

"Ehh… are you slacking off again?" Mako-chan asked tiredly, looking down at me and frowning thoughtfully. "You should get up, we need to get ready for college."

I hadn't heard her at all. My ability to distract myself hasn't changed at all, I suppose. I looked up at her and smiled weakly, covering the pendant with my arm as best I could. "I will give. Just give me five minutes, okay?"

"You have two," Mako-chan said strictly, turning away.

"Stingy," I complained, watching her turn away and head off to get changed.

"And did you really sleep with the penguin?" Mako-chan asked. "Honestly…"

"It's warm," I said defensively, forcing myself up and pulling the pendant over my neck again. I patted Poro-chan on the head, righting him and putting him aside as I stood, rubbing my eyes. I wasn't that tired, after all. I'd spent that long resting in bed.

Himeko Kurusugawa, orphan, History student, friend of Makoto Saotome and Souma Ogami, that's an ordinary existence. Himeko Kurusugawa, Solar Miko, servant of Ame No Murakumo, foe of Orochi and sacrifice to a new world, that's altogether extraordinary. Himeko Kurusugawa, Chikane Himemiya's girlfriend… Himeko Kurusugawa, the Lunar Miko's destined lover… which am I? And between those two existences, which is first? Is one more real than the other? Which Himeko is I?

I think that's the question I'm trying to ask. And also, what do I have become? Which does Chikane-chan want, and what is the best way for me to stay by her side? Should I learn to lie and help her deceive the world? Should I become braver and be the person who always stays by her side? I don't know. And I know Chikane-chan doesn't know what's best, either. What's worse is that I don't know exactly what I want myself. Three month's time… it would be nice if the world could acknowledge that as easily as the Orochi did. But things aren't that easy, after all.

* * *

"Yo."

I blinked, looking up in shock. "You…"

Corona shrugged idly. "Yeah, me. Before you say anything, I don't really want to be here either. But Miyako asked nicely."

"What is it?" I asked.

Corona frowned at me. "Is that it? No 'stay away from me'? No 'how did you get in here' or 'are you stalking me' or anything like that?"

"I don't really mind," I said. "Since I don't think you're a bad person. Though maybe you should approach me more normally, I'm okay with this."

Corona sighed. "You're such a mellow girl, it's unreasonable. In any case, this is a message from Miyako. 'I'm very sorry for what happened. That was my idiot brother acting on his own. Tsubasa has dragged him away, so there shouldn't be any more problems.' Something like that."

"Really?" I said. I stepped back into the shade of a tree, looking around nervously. Well, if normal people saw us, it shouldn't be that suspicious. But it might need explaining, all the same. "I see… just what happened? I still don't fully understand."

"Well, what I can tell you depends on various things," Corona said, stepping towards me. "If you intend to go to the police about something, I can't say anything at all. And you can't promise you won't, can you? I don't want to be involved with any of that, regardless of what I think about that big oaf."

"You're right that I can't promise anything," I said. "Since this involved an innocent person. But depending on things, I might be less likely to make things dangerous if I understood the reason."

Corona stepped past me, leaning against the tree. "Aren't you pushing yourself a little too hard? There's a reason we approach you much more than the Eighth, you know. You don't have her kind of strength."

"Maybe that's true," I said, looking away. "But I have to do what I can. And since I don't have any pressing need not to involve myself in further difficulty, while Chikane-chan is more concerned about not giving her family trouble, you could say there are things I can do that she couldn't."

"That sounds interesting," Corona said, looking at me. "Going behind her back and complicating the story with the edges of this truth, would you really do that, I wonder? That would be fascinating to watch."

"It's probably the right thing to do, isn't it?" I said calmly.

"You wouldn't, after all. It would be cool if you did, though." Corona put her hands behind her head. "That idiot, Girochi, is still all misty eyed for you. 'Hime-chan, Hime-chan', it's been driving Miyako mad. You should reject him clearly or something… as if he is the kind of person who'd listen."

"Huh," I said weakly, trying to remember. The big one- it's odd, but I was almost sympathetic to him, since he seemed the least involved in the schemes against us. But I guess the Orochi are the Orochi, after all.

"So it might just be that that guy, who didn't like how we decided to do things now he'd remembered various things, talked to some of his friends, and they decided to do something a little reckless, using the information Miyako had already gathered." Corona looked up at the sky. "Though I can't say what that thing was, of course. And knowing that oaf, it wouldn't be too unlikely if he was determined to try and use the Eighth as well. Using the Himemiya to get Hime-chan… it's got a nice ring to it, at least."

"So everything is because of me, after all," I said softly.

"More of your complex?" Corona smirked. "You shouldn't be too upset. You only really care about Chikane-chan, right?"

"That's not true," I said sharply. "Because he involved Honoka-chan as well, that's what bothers me. She's not involved at all."

"If you're really thinking about her first and foremost, you really would go to the police," Corona said. "In any case, Tsubasa clipped him round the ear and dragged him off before he could do anything reckless himself."

"I see," I said, ignoring the first part. "Is that unusual? Tsubasa doesn't strike me as a particularly… benevolent person."

"He's a complete asshole," Corona said irreverently. "So I have no idea. Maybe he just didn't want that idiot to get arrested and tell inconvenient things to the police. Or maybe he just thought it would be too painful to watch, seeing the Third get smacked down by the Eighth again. He said she's no weaker than before, relatively speaking."

"That makes sense, in its own way," I said. "Isn't it ironic, though, we have that much of a common interest… I don't want anyone unnecessary to learn about our past, either."

"Right? Did we ever tell you about that, though? The time when the Eighth took us down?" Corona smirked at me. "The Third was the first to get killed. She stuck her knife through his hand like it was nothing, just like that. And then we all went at her with everything we had, and she killed us without so much as blinking. I'm not proud of that moment. She was terrifying, though. The only person who could come close to Tsubasa in terms of being messed up."

"It's hard to commiserate with people who are trying to destroy the world," I said as coolly as I could manage.

"Maybe that's so. But there's something terrifying about a teenage girl who can do what she did so easily, after all. If you think about it, there's not much difference between us. After all, she was able to join the Orochi legitimately." Corona smiled, looking up at the sky. "Maybe her background really is the only difference between her and Tsubasa, after all. Could she kill just as easily right now, I wonder? Just as long as she never has to, she can survive in this world."

"You enjoy doing this, don't you?" I said, looking at her. "I don't really understand."

"There's not much to misunderstand," Corona said. "I hate the Eighth. She shot me dead." She stretched her arms. "But I was trying to kill everyone and everything, so it's no hard feelings really."

"Isn't there any way we could move on from this?" I said. "I'm sure Chikane-chan is someone who thinks about this more than anyone else. There isn't really anyone who came out of that story well, so it would be best if we could forget it for good. Tracing all the old wounds is too sad, after all."

"I really don't want to hear that from the tragic, perfect heroine," Corona said sourly.

I shook my head. "No, I'm not perfect. I killed Chikane-chan, but more than that, I didn't understand anything. Even though I was the closest person to her, the person who should have seen things most clearly, I didn't understand anything. The truth of her feelings, of the sacrifice, why we couldn't unseal Ame No Murakumo, everything. In the end, I couldn't do anything but rely on others, and hurt them in the process."

"Not bad, as self-pity goes," Corona said ironically. "I'll give you an eight."

"I'm sure you feel the same way," I said. "You couldn't protect what was important to you, either. That's why I'm saying no one was made happy by that."

"Yeah, I couldn't protect myself from your crazy girlfriend," Corona said.

"Is it that simple, I wonder?" I said. "I don't know your feelings, but it doesn't feel like it's just that. You and Reiko, and even Miyako, you care about them at least a little, don't you?"

"Don't force your values onto me," Corona said, folding her arms and huffing. "I don't need anyone. Everything is just for my convenience, okay?"

"If you insist," I said. "It's not like I'm going to look intensely at your social life to work out if you're lying or not."

Corona laughed. "Indeed. That's all Miyako, you know. I don't know or want to know how she does it, of course."

"Nor do I," I said weakly. "Please tell her to stop, anyway."

"Oh, yeah. That was her other message. 'If you two want to stay together, it's fine. Now that Tsubasa-sama isn't here, there's no obstacle.' So she says."

"That's… surprisingly kind," I said, blinking.

Corona pushed herself up off the tree, stepping forwards and leaning in to whisper in my ear. "And then 'since it's much better if they work through a normal relationship without it being conveniently cut short by the sacrifice, and then break up, since there's no way they'll be able to make it last. That'll do much more than anything we could do to undermine the Miko'. That's her logic." Corona pulled her head back slightly, smirking. "What do you think? Interesting, isn't it?"

"That's… more in line with my expectations," I said weakly.

"I wonder whether she's right?" Corona said. "What looks beautifully tragic in a story with such a definite end isn't very convenient in reality, after all."

"I'll enjoy proving you wrong," I said. "In a non-malicious way."

Corona smirked. "Have fun. We'll be watching."

"Say hi to Reiko for me," I said, smiling.

"Such a casual girl." Corona stuck her hands in her pockets, pouting at me, before turning away. "Tell the Eighth to watch out, too. Just because I don't know what Tsubasa intends, that doesn't mean he still means to do something. That's all I'm saying."

"I'll tell her," I said, watching her go. It feels strange, talking to her. I know well, and she doesn't stop reminding me, that we're something like enemies. But when I consider what we have in common, it feels like I'm closer to her than a lot of other people. The past we share, even on opposite sides, is that important. An important thing for Himeko Kurusugawa, Solar Miko.

I stood in the shade for a few more moments, closing my eyes and considering. No, I suppose things are okay like this. Whatever their intentions, provided it was non-interference, that was fine. Even if our relationship does end like that, it can't be helped. Because we aren't doing this for the sake of Ame No Murakumo, after all. It's not a duty; it's something we want to do. Maybe that is the most important thing for both sides of me.

"Hey, Himeko."

I jumped, jerking my head round to look behind me. "Mako… chan…"

"What's up?" Mako-chan asked, looking at me in puzzlement. "Having a pale face like that. Is someone bullying you?"

I shook my head hurriedly, pulling myself together. "No, nothing like that. I was just thinking, that's all."

"In a place like this?" Mako-chan said, prodding me in the shoulder. "You're hopeless, you know, I was worried so I went looking for you."

"Sorry," I said. "I forgot."

Mako-chan started to walk back towards the canteen, looking ahead. "Don't tell me you were mooning over Chikane or something like that."

"Not really," I said, blushing slightly. "Not exactly, any way."

"I see, I see," Mako-chan said, her voice slightly flat. "That does sound like you."

"I suppose so," I said. "Sorry, Mako-chan."

"Mm." Mako-chan stopped. "So, that girl… has she joined this university yet, or what?"

I stared at the back of Mako-chan's neck. "You mean- Corona-chan, right? She didn't say."

"I see." Mako-chan shrugged. "Well, never mind."

I followed uneasily behind her.

* * *

I was working at the desk we shared when my phone rang. I put my pen down, trying not to feel too grateful, and pulled it out, raising it to my ear. "Hello?"

"_It's me. How are you?"_

I smiled despite myself, leaning back in my chair. "I'm good, thanks. How are you, Chikane-chan?"

"_Tired," _Chikane-chan said wanly. _"I've been rushed off me feet. Living at mother's pace is altogether too intense."_

"So she has been keeping you busy," I said sympathetically. So that's why she didn't call on Sunday. "That sounds really tough."

"_A little. I'll need to get used to this, though. Mother does this all the time, and she's fifty. It makes me feel inadequate. Though university and my clubs are their own pressures, I suppose."_

"Don't force yourself, okay?" I said lightly. "I know you want to please her, but you shouldn't tire yourself out."

"_It's fine. I can handle it. Thanks for your concern, though." _Chikane-chan paused for a moment. _"So, how about you? Is your work fine?"_

"It is," I said. "Still just about managing."

"_I see. That's good. My parents say thanks for Saturday, by the way. They are grateful that you humoured them, as they put it."_

"Not at all. I was grateful for their hospitality," I said. "Are they still there with you?"

"_They've moved into a hotel for now. Though father wants to use the chance to have some family time, so they'll probably come here for dinner a lot."_

"I see," I said. "That's really good for you."

"_Well, certainly," _Chikane-chan said cautiously. _"But it's a little difficult as well. Not with my parents as such, but mother's retainers… it can get rather crowded. Not so much literally as inter-personally."_

"That sounds… tough," I said, trying to work that out.

"_Well, if I was to explain it," _Chikane-chan said, _"Otoha-san is having problems with Hizuru-san, more than anything else. They're related, you know."_

"Eh? Really?" I said, surprised.

"_Hizuru-san is Otoha-san's grandmother, and more or less raised Otoha-san. What happened to Otoha-san's parents, I can't tell you, because I don't know myself."_

"I see," I said. "That's a shame." So she has that kind of tough life, too…

"_Though the problem is they're relatives, and Hizuru is also somewhat Otoha's superior. She has very strict ideas about how things should be done, so the two of them both working in my house is difficult. I can't just reproach her carelessly, she is mother's important companion and servant."_

"I see. Maybe you should say something to your mother," I said.

"_So I thought, but Otoha-san wants to try and deal with this myself. It's all very difficult. I don't know what to make of Sarah, either. Mother's selection of assistants has always been unusual."_

I nodded. "That must be hard for you. I know I can't imagine anything like those kind of problems."

"_Well, I think it's really just normal personality clashes," _Chikane-chan said. _"What surprises me is that mother hasn't said anything. Whether she doesn't mind, or perhaps she's testing me… it's hard to be sure."_

"I see. I'm sure you'll be fine, though. I know you're good at these things."

"_You think so?" _Chikane-chan asked dubiously. _"It feels like I should know what to do in this kind of situation without hesitating so much."_

"Maybe, but at least you know to think about it, right?" I teased. "If it was me, I probably wouldn't have noticed at all, or else I'd misinterpret things and say the wrong thing… something like that."

Chikane-chan giggled. _"I don't think that's true at all. But you're right, of course, I suppose it could be worse. I'll just have to ask clearly if it gets out of hand."_

"It must be difficult, worrying about these things," I said. "It's not something a normal teenager has to do, right? Even at university."

"_Perhaps. But the same is true of you, though, right?"_

"Hm? Really?"

"_Of course. Since we both have to deal with the Orochi and everything else. Neither of us are really just students any more, are we?"_

"I suppose not," I admitted quietly. I'm not sure I can be happy about that, even though I never wanted to be just normal to begin with. "But you know, I've been thinking about that."

"_Oh?"_

I looked around me, making sure Mako-chan was still out. I don't know if she heard anything earlier, but it's a good reminder to make sure I don't say anything reckless in front of her. I don't want her to be involved in any of this. "More and more recently, I've realised my life's kinda confused right now. It's almost a double life, since there are people who know everything and people who don't know anything about our past. Our relationship, too, is a little like that."

"_I suppose that's true," _Chikane-chan admitted. _"I know I focus too much on my own problems, but it's certainly true this isn't easy for you either."_

"No, it's fine," I said firmly. "Compared to you, I have things fairly simple. Even if I have to keep secrets, it's okay if I'm an ambiguous or strange figure to most of the people I know. I don't have any real friends at university anyway. It's just that I still think of myself as normal, in a way, even though I know my life is like this. Is it because I have a normal life and an abnormal one and I can separate them in my head? I'm not sure. Maybe everyone things they're a normal person."

"_There's something in that,"_ Chikane-chan said. _"But you shouldn't give me an easy excuse like that. If you want to talk about anything like this, you should do so without hesitation. I know things can be difficult. I doubt they're going to get any easier."_

"I will," I said. "It's okay, though." I fiddled with her pendant, looking down at the desk. "The most important thing is definitely that I like you. I'm doing these things for that reason, rather than anything else."

Chikane-chan paused for a moment. _"Thank you. That means a lot to me."_

"It's normal, isn't it?" I teased lightly. "It feels like anyone should fall in love with you."

"_Don't make me say something really cheesy in reply," _Chikane-chan said, sounding amused. _"It's in your character to get away with that, but if I did it it'd sound totally wrong."_

"I'm not sure I can take that as a compliment," I said, smiling. "But that's okay. I like being silly. Have you been looking after Kushinada-hime?"

"_I have. She's keeping vigil over my room from my table. Another guilty secret of mine, after all."_

I nodded solemnly. "Unexpectedly, you do have a silly side that rather clashes with your cool and elegant reputation. I guess that's why you're so good at what we're doing now, you're used to such a suspicious double life."

Chikane-chan laughed. _"Perhaps. I'd have to thank you, though. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be able to relax as much as I do, even if it's in private. That's not what most people want or expect from me."_

"And I suppose you can't just disregard other people like I can," I said sympathetically. "But are you sure it's like that? In my case, I was really glad to find you had a more normal, girlish side. It makes you seem less… distant? Not that you've ever really been distant with me, of course."

"_I'm almost sure people want me to be perfect and elegant all the time. It's one of the reasons why I'm grateful to you, because you weren't disillusioned by me. Though you saw my happy and silly aspects, and my difficult ones, and even my pain and anger and… all my unsightly qualities, even so, it feels like you don't mind all that. It's strange." _Chikane-chan chuckled. _"Though I think you've made me go and say something silly, after all."_

"Not at all," I said. "I'm glad to hear that. But people who lost interest in you just because you're a normal person wouldn't be worth very much, would they? I can't keep running from our pasts, either."

"_I wonder about that. Sometimes it feels disingenuous to blame other people for this when I work so hard to project a perfect image myself. And considering I don't stop, I may even be projecting my own fears onto them, by saying that they'd think less of me if they knew me more. When I put it that way, it's a rather aloof ideal." _Chikane-chan sighed. _"Maybe I really have been two-faced all this time, after all. But it's all for my parents, since what's imposed on them is that I should be a perfect child."_

"I don't think it's aloof," I said. "And it's not like it's just a lie, either. Your talent is real, right? This really is something only you could do, and you shouldn't have to apologise for that part of it. You don't have to be friends or trust anyone you don't want to, either. If it's not something you want to do yourself, that's the end of it, whatever your reasons are. Or at least, that's how I feel."

"_Perhaps," _Chikane-chan said. _"But I can't help but feel that I should like people more than I do."_

"That's not something you should have to help," I said lightly. "Besides, you're already busy, right? If you had too many more real friends you'd probably die of exhaustion."

Chikane-chan laughed. _"There's probably altogether too much truth in that. Never mind."_

"I think you're fine as you are," I said. "Though if you do want to change, that's also fine. Your parents care about you a lot, so I'm sure they'd support you."

"_Perhaps," _Chikane-chan said. Her voice is more secure again, and I can imagine her smiling. _"But you know, you're the only one who I can talk to like this. I couldn't even say these things to my parents, after all."_

"If you feel that way," I said. "But I'm sure they wouldn't mind, right?"

"_They wouldn't mind. But I don't want to worry them like that. My parents and I both, I think we do a lot for each other's sake without saying a thing, without it being asked for… and we worry each other a lot because of that. Of course, they do far more for me than I can do for them right now. That does worry me in itself." _Chikane-chan giggled. _"I must sound strange or arrogant, I know. I'm sorry. I guess you could say I trust myself too much to trust them enough to say such things to them."_

I rubbed my head. "That sounds complicated."

"_But I did tell father about us."_

"What? Really?"

"_Yes. I hope you don't mind. He didn't, at least, he said it was fine."_

"That's wonderful," I said. "Are you going to tell your mother, as well?"

"_Not yet. For that, I'll need something like a running start. I will eventually, don't worry. This is too big to hide from her forever, after all."_

"I suppose so," I said, a little glad. If she's planning to do that, it'll let us move closer to that ideal, being able to live so I can stay by her side. "If you want my help or anything, I'll do it… though I'm not very good in situations like that…"

"_Thank you. In the meantime, though, are you free on Thursday evening?"_

"Thursday is the day before my essay is handed in, so that's a little difficult," I said, embarrassed. I was tempted just to go ahead, but I was already behind. I suppose I wouldn't be able to enjoy things in the middle of a work crisis.

"_I see. That's fine, then. How about Sunday?"_

"Sunday is good," I said. "Do you have anything in mind?"

"_Not yet," _Chikane-chan admitted sheepishly. _"I'll think about it. Do you have any ideas?"_

Going to the pool again was the first thing that occurred to me, for the wrong reasons. Seeing Chikane-chan in that bikini again, and this time I could fully appreciate it without holding back… isn't that way too dangerous, after all? "Um, I'm not sure," I said nervously. "I'll think about it."

"_Okay. We can discuss it tomorrow, if that's fine."_

"Right."


	42. Chapter 42

**Chains of Memory: Part 42**

I'm back home for a month, so I'll see what I can do in that time. I also need to cram the new season anime...

As ever, I remain enamoured of the aristocracy of anime. I have this amusing mental image of them all coexisting in a plutocratic AU Japan prone to the occasional magical apocalypse and a sudden generational outbreak of lesbianism: Himemiya (both versions), Fujino (maybe), Suzushiro, Hanazono, Rokujo, Otori (both versions or amalgamated), and for good measure the yaoi-esque Hitachiin, Haninozuka and the Kuhoin (to add some incest). And thats even leaving out all the butler/maid anime because they're silly.

**

* * *

**"_You came again."_

_I smile. "You don't sound very surprised."_

"After so much time has passed, there is no meaning in being surprised. Least of all in this place." The First brushes her hair back slightly, cocking her head and looking at me. "It is unusual that you can find me so easily, nonetheless. This must be the power of the most recent incarnation."

"_I don't really know anything about that," I say calmly, walking forwards. "I just think hard enough, and it happens. That's all."_

"_As I am, and unlike much of the rest. My status has been reduced to this degree, though, that you can reach me so easily." The First frowns. "Well? What do you want to know? I am very aware that you would not approach me without more questions in mind."_

_I nod nervously. "Sorry. About the sacrifice, I think I understand now…or rather, I understand what has to happen. I don't understand why, though. How can our lives have that kind of significance?"_

"_I have already told you," the First says serenely. "It is Ame No Murakumo's will. That is all we need to know."_

"_But… something that horrible…" I say slowly. "You had to die to Chikane-chan, right? And I probably killed her, and it's never going to end. I understand Tsubasa a little more when I think about that, as there's no way I can accept it."_

"_I don't know what your world is, to weaken you with such dissolute and irreverent thoughts, but it would surely be the end of all should that trend continue," the First says. "Our existence is, breathes and is defined by the duty owed to Ame No Murakumo since long ago, when she came to us and acknowledged us. There isn't room for doubt, or meaning in regret. We are her weapons to be used. We are swords. You can understand that much, can you not? You are the Solar Miko, for all of this."_

_I frown. "I'm sorry, but it's not possible for me to think like that."_

_The First looks at me for a long moment, then sighs. "Thankfully, the last sacrifice somehow came to pass, and you are a boon life. A meaningless life. Perhaps this is for the best. To work through your frustrations at a time of peace, so we are ready for the next cycle. Is that Ame No Murakumo's will?"_

_I sigh; looking around the bleak, blasted landscape that surrounds us. "That is more or less the words of a disciple of the Orochi, as well."_

_The First sighs. "Remember, my power is yours if you need it. I am at your command. More importantly, you must take Chikane and hold onto her, no matter what the cost. These doubts of yours will do nothing to help that. Nor will addressing me. Remember, I can only speak of a past far beyond your present, a present I cannot conceive."_

"_I understand. I understand that." I sigh. "Things are going okay with her. But it feels like I should try to understand this world, too. I know she would do the same thing."_

"_Perhaps so." The First rests her chin on one hand, looking out over this hell. She is so morose today; it's altogether alarming. "But whether you can understand the words I say is, as we have discovered, an altogether different question."_

_I sit awkwardly on the ground next to her, hugging my knees. "I will ask you something we should both be able to understand, then. How do you feel about Chikane-chan?"_

"_I suppose that is something we can both understand," the First says. Her expression softens slightly. "Though is little to say. In my world, at that time, Chikane-dono was all I had and more than I could ever ask for. We were friends and comrades in arms, faithful servants and lovers, closer than anyone, willing to do anything, the bond we shared tied together everything that it meant to us to be alive at all…even now we are apart, I remember." The First closes her eyes. "How much I love her. How much I miss her."_

"_I… see…" I say. Those amazingly confident words, it feels like I could never hope to match them. When I compare my feelings to that, I can only think of myself as childish._

"_And you? How do you feel for her?"_

"_I… love her," I say, moving my hands subtly about my knees. "That's certainly true. But I don't know her as well as I could like, and I don't know whether things will turn out as we want. My world is a difficult place, and there are a lot of people who would frown on us-"_

"_Is anyone trying to kill you?"_

"_I don't think so," I say, blinking at her._

"_Then your world is kinder than my own."_

"_Comparing all the world's social problems to that is unreasonable," I protest. "Though I know how much you've all suffered, we have our own problems. If they're not the same, at least please recognise things aren't easy for us either."_

_The First sighs, looking wan again. "I suppose so. No matter what, this world will never be kind. That is not the nature of what we are protecting with our own hands."_

"_Though it's still the right thing to do," I say, trying to reassure her. "Even I know that, right?"_

_The First looks down, sighing. "You must treasure her."_

"_I will," I say, frowning slightly and looking straight at her. "Even if things are hard, I will do that."_

"_I cannot see her any more. No matter how hard I look, all I can see are shadows of shadows of her, these miserable spectres…" The First stands, walking forwards. "And most likely, I am a spectre as well. Certainly, I'm only in the loosest sense 'real'. All of this is Ame No Murakumo's will, I know."_

"_I can look," I say, standing myself. "I'm different from you, right? It should be possible for me. No, I'm sure of it. I will find your Chikane, and I will bring her for you."_

_The First turns her head slightly, smiling faintly at me. "Don't make promises you can never hope to keep. It makes you an unkind person."_

"_I'm sorry," I say. "But this is the right thing to do, so I can only try."_

"_Come before me when you have more happy memories. I'm tired. I'll rest for now." She flickered, disappearing into thin air._

_I sigh, looking out over the panorama I'd found her in. Burned tree stumps, broken ground, as far as the eye can see. I'm sure I could never understand the source of a memory like this._

_Nor can I understand how she can accept this fate, even though she's been given such a heavy burden. And if I am honest with myself, that's why I am asking these questions. They're not for Tsubasa or the First or even Chikane-chan. They're because I do want to understand for myself. That's all it is._

* * *

"So your parents are in town? That must be nice for you."

"It is," I said, smiling pleasantly. "Though I see less of them than I'd like. They're always so busy."

Kanegi smiled. "They're in business, after all. It must be tough for you."

"It isn't really something I should be regretful about," I said. "It's what they want to do, so that's fine."

Arata smiled. "I see. Now I'm curious, though. What are like?"

"Normal, I think," I said, trying to deflect her with a smile. "In any case, are you going to attend the lecture this afternoon?"

"It seems like such a pain," Arata said, sighing. "I have work to do, as well. But it might be a good idea. What are you doing, Chikane-san?"

"I'll go," I said, eating some rice. "It should be interesting, at least."

"I suppose so," she said, frowning. "I guess it's fine."

"Excuse me for intruding."

I blinked, looking up and meeting the eyes of a tall, beautiful girl with long black hair. "Otori-senpai."

"Good afternoon, Himemiya-san." She smiled at me, before turning her attention to the other girls. "I'm sorry for the trouble, but could I borrow Himemiya-san for a moment? I will be quick."

"Not at all," Kanegi said standing and bowing hurriedly. The three girls retreated, allowing Otori-san to sit down opposite me.

She cocked her head, pushing her glasses up her nose and smirking. "I'm sorry to bother you, as well. I'm sure you're thinking of me as a rude person."

"Not at all," I said, shaking my head. "It's a pleasure. I'm just a little surprised. Is there something I can do to help you?"

"Is there, I wonder?" Otori-senpai said, touching her chin playfully and looking at me with focused eyes. "Or rather, I'd like to reverse that question. Is there something we can do to help you and your family?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Is that the family of Shuusei Himemiya, or the family of Kazuho Himemiya?"

"Quite. Just so." Otori-senpai smiled. "I will make this short. I know we both have many other things to think of. But when the dog barks, we the tail must wag, no?" She pulled a letter out of her pocket. "Here."

I took it carefully. It was addressed to mother. "This is?"

"It's an approach. Please don't misunderstand; I would love to see Kazuho-sama again, but this is something that's been obligated to me by our family leaders, not something I want to do for myself." Otori-senpai looked away in theatrical disinterest. "They would like closer ties with your family. They also have reason to believe that closer ties to the Otori would be to your benefit. Again, this isn't just my immediate family's word alone. This is Enya-sama's wish."

"I'm flattered to receive even so indirect attention from Enya-sama," I said, puzzling this out. "There remains a distance even between him and my mother."

"That's so, for now." Otori-senpai looked at me again. "You should know well, though, that we buy shares before they rise, not after. Especially when we have insider information, of a kind."

Ah. So that's what it is. I put my hand on the letter, looking across the table at her. "That's very kind. Even so, the Himemiya succession is a Himemiya matter. Regardless of the outcome, it would not prejudice whoever succeeded to the title for or against the Otori."

"Of course. I would never suggest otherwise. And no matter what, the Otori would not do anything that would prevent good business in either possible outcome. The Himemiya are extremely valued partners."

"You flatter us," I said. "Of course, we also value our relationship with the Otori as among our most valued connections." My heart is beating. Is she the same? There are only a few years between us, but I can't see any hesitation in her eyes. Do I have that far to go?

"But every alliance has room for improvement. Enya-sama desires the _closest _connections with the Himemiya family." Otori-senpai's eyes flickered, measuring my response.

I narrowed my eyes slightly. No, she's probably just hiding her reactions. I can do the same thing. "That could be a delicate matter. The Himemiya name as passed through the main family is a thousand-year tradition that isn't easily bound by modern conveniences. But the Otori name is no less prestigious, and we would never wish to cause offence to it."

"Of course. There are ways around such concerns. Besides which, those thoughts are loftier figures than you and I." Otori-senpai raised her eyebrows. "We are messengers."

"I understand." I lowered my head slightly, trying to keep calm. Unless I've completely misread her intent, she means marriage. Of course, that may well be offered to Takuma-sama's family, as well… but the only females in the current Otori family are in this branch line, this and the one in high school. There are three males in the main line, so if this is sincere, it's to our advantage.

That, of course, is not the same as to my advantage.

"Well, this is a preliminary, so don't read too much into anything." Otori-senpai leaned back. "But please consider these things swiftly. The Himemiya are rapidly moving to a position where a critical decision has to be made. As you say, that is of no direct concern to the Otori family, but… a swift and clean decision is good for us as well. We may be able to lend you our power."

"And that's your reason for this approach?" I said, watching her carefully. I put the letter carefully into my bag. "But you do need to be able to do business with either party. I know there are limits to what you can say, but it would be possible to make such an approach to Takuma-sama, would it not?"

"Of course, there is a limit to what I can say. But I think I can remind though that there is a difference between your status and mine." Otori-senpai smiled at me. "That difference is not to my advantage, a fact that in this case is to my relief. Though I don't mean offence to your respected cousin."

I managed to force back a blush. That was a faux pas, forgetting that she is effectively a branch family member. But that also confirms she certainly means the Otori main family, the three brothers… "I deeply apologise for my discourtesy."

"Not at all. If there is anything else you wish to have clarified, please ask freely." She shrugged. "I may as well be effective at what I do."

"One more thing, then. The Otori family is of proud and strict traditions. If I may speak freely, a patriarchal tradition, one that exceeds the Himemiya family in this respect. To avoid misunderstanding, I'd like to reaffirm the Himemiya belief; our blood and our name override other concerns. I am Chikane Himemiya." I narrowed my eyes. "That always necessarily subordinates my other identities, and always will do so. This is not negotiable."

"As expected of Kazuho-sama's daughter, strong and proud words," Otori-senpai teased. "You are truly caught between the past and the future. I can say this clearly, though. Enya-sama understands and accepts this point, and has nothing but respect for the Himemiya traditions. It is for that reason, however, that it cannot be my respected cousin Aguri-sama."

The first son. So this really is an alliance, not a merger. But… why me? The coincidence of Otori births? Is that really all? "I understand. Then if it is possible, can I ask you one thing, rather than asking the Otori family?"

"Go ahead," Otori-senpai said. "I will answer if I can."

"Why my mother's family? It could be construed casually that Enya-sama would follow Shuusei-sama's inclinations." I narrowed my eyes. "It seems unusual."

"That I can't answer," Otori-senpai said. "Because I don't know. There will be time for that conversation later, I'm sure."

I nodded carefully. "I will convey everything to my mother. I'm sure she will receive your personally within a few days in any case, though, so I hope this hasn't been a wasted effort."

Otori-senpai smirked. "I'm sure she will. Let's leave this conversation at that." She stood, adjusting her glasses slightly. "Thank you for your time. Please seriously consider my words."

I stood and nodded. "Thank you very much. I will do so."

Otori-senpai folded her arms, looking amused. "I'll tell you this speaking as myself, though. I think it would be a fine thing if you could succeed. There are things you can do I cannot, and for that reason, I have unreasonable expectations."

I blinked, momentarily surprised. So she can go off the script, as well. "Thank you. I will strive to exceed those expectations."

"Ah, so earnest. Just like my youngest cousin." Otori-senpai waved. "Please do so." And with those words, she began to walk towards her third-year friends on the other side of the room.

I watched her go, willing my body to relax. My limbs felt just as stiff as before, even though the discussion was over. How I had done, memories of my mistake, the unprecedented approach, all of these things were certainly factors. But all of those things, truthfully speaking, were dwarfed by the sheer monumental nature of the conversation itself. Marriage. Not just marriage, but marriage to the second or third son of the Otori. Undoubtedly, they meant marriage to me. It would shake any eighteen year-old, regardless of their personal circumstances. For me, just thinking about it is terrifying. What's more terrifying is this promise. Is she serious? It's just a single approach. But if the Otori are supporting us, that's not something that even Shuusei-sama can ignore. Oh, it would present problems of its own, new lines of attack, but we could blunt those. And the credibility and momentum provided by Enya-sama's acknowledgement is undeniable. Though it's difficult to read, this could possibly be a huge chance for us.

So it's _just _the fear of having to disregard my feelings and this body and making it subordinate to a man. I can also feel the fear I've felt all this time, ever since I understood how I felt for Himeko. The tension between what I've promised her, and what I've promised my parents. It's growing as the promises grow and the poles shift, and it's pulling me apart from myself. Or so I fear.

This is something I absolutely cannot lose to. If I did, I would never be able to forgive myself, just as I prevented myself from staying with her before, and suffering for that. But for my family, my feelings are the same.

"Being approached by her… what did she want?" Kanegi asked. She looked at me, blinking. "Is something wrong? You look tense."

"I'm fine," I said, forcing a smile. "It's a little family business, that's all. Nothing to worry about."

"Being part of an amazing family like yours really is different, after all," Arata murmured.

I sighed, closing my eyes. "Not really. Family is just family, after all."

I wish I meant those words. But it was only instinct that made me contradict her. It is different for me, after all.

* * *

"… So something like that happened."

I rubbed my forehead, adjusting the set of my phone against my ear. "Yes, Okasama. I hope I haven't made any mistakes. If necessary, I can approach Otori-senpai myself tomorrow or after."

"_No, you did well. But this is unexpected." _Mother paused for a moment. _"I will have to confirm their intentions. It may be that they're making a move after Keihanshin is over and done with, but I wouldn't say for myself that I have the advantage yet. It's not like Enya to do these things without a good reason."_

"I was worried this might be an attempt to gain control of our family or even the Himemiya family through marriage," I said. "That would match their attitudes, but Otori-senpai denied it."

"_It's probably not. I had that conversation with Enya-sama a long time ago." _Mother paused for a moment. _"What do you think, Chikane?"_

"It's difficult to say right now," I said. "As you said, their intentions are uncertain. But I think the support of the Otori would undoubtedly benefit our position-"

"_Not that. I'm asking you, what do you think? This is marriage." _Mother clicked her tongue. _"Remember, I'm never going to force you into anything like this. I married for love, and if you can't accept such a proposal that's fine. I need to know what you are really thinking, though."_

"I… can't really think clearly about it right now," I said quietly. "It's overwhelming. In any case, we should have time to consider it."

"_If the Otori are serious, they will be aggressive. That's how Enya operates." _Mother sighed. _"His sons, too. They're very straight-laced, both more modern and more traditional than us, cold and business-like all…I know you can keep up with them, but I wonder if they know that."_

"I've heard they are respectable and talented individuals," I said wanly. "If seriousness is a fault, I'm also guilty, I suspect."

"No, they make Shuusei look like a carefree man. But their power is real. At least, there's no harm in meeting them, and it is possible to reject them without offence. No matter what, we will support your decision. That is a given."

"Thank you," I said, forcing back a sigh. "I will consider it."

"The advantages of the match are obvious enough. But don't forget that you are my one and only daughter. A marriage that is a stone round your neck will hold us back far more than the connection to the Otori will push us forwards."

"Yes, I understand. Thank you for your support."

"You're finished with your activities for the day, no? We'll come round as soon as we're finished here, and discuss this thoroughly. I'm sure you know what your father will say."

"I will look forwards to it. Later, then."

"_We'll see you then." _Mother hung up.

I put my phone back in my pocket, sighing and resting my head on the table. I'm tired. I really am.

"What did she say, Ojou-sama?" Otoha-san asked anxiously.

"Of course, she supported my right to make the decision," I said. "We knew that even before I asked."

"I see." Otoha-san gave me a troubled look, trying to sound cheerful. "But this really is a little unreasonable, isn't it? Asking this so suddenly, when you're not even finished with full-time education."

"Even if it's only a marriage in name for now, that would be enough for their purposes. Ours, as well." I sighed. "I was expecting this, and it isn't unusual. Others have made approaches since long ago. In any case, nothing is certain. All we have are suggestions from a relative."

"It's best to take this too seriously, rather than not enough." Otoha-san looked away. "Have you told Kurusugawa-san?"

"Not yet," I said. I didn't particularly want to be reminded of that.

"Of course, I trust your judgement. But it might be best to tell her soon. Leaving such things unsaid only causes more damage in the end."

"I know! I know that, already," I said irritably.

"I'm sorry for my impertinence."

I sighed, shaking my head. "No, it's my fault. You're right, and I should be more reasonable about this. Of course, I don't have any intention of betraying Himeko. But this situation still isn't easy. Nor do I know what to say, or how to reassure her when I raise it."

"If you say those words, I'm sure that will be enough for Kurusugawa-san."

"No, if I know her at all, she'll worry about it, and whether I should accept," I said. "And if nothing's confirmed, there's nothing to be said. I don't want to worry her."

"If Ojou-sama feels that way, then it's acceptable. But I'm sure she wants to worry about you, especially about something like this."

She's unexpectedly stubborn, all of a sudden. And all without meeting my eyes. I pinched the bridge of my nose, closing my eyes. "I'm tired, so I'll rest in my room. Of course, call me as soon as my parents come."

"I understand. Please ask me if you need anything."

"No. It's fine." I stood, turning and walking back to my room. Unpleasant thoughts swirled through my mind. Once again, my peaceful life is startled by a revelation. Though it's not as bad as that time, I can't say it makes me happy, either.

I lay on my futon, resting my head and looking up at the ceiling. Ah… what a day. Keeping up my smiling mask with everyone I don't know at all at university, that exhausting conversation with Otori-san, calligraphy, all the well-intentioned, heavy words of my mother and Otoha-san… in spite of myself, I almost feel like giving up here. There are days like this too, I know that. But that doesn't make them enjoyable, just as knowing my parents will always support me doesn't make this choice easy. No matter what, I cannot betray Himeko. But that doesn't mean I will be free of guilt for taking that way out, either. Caught between those thoughts, sleep and forgetfulness are more than tempting.

My phone rang. I knew whom it would be before I answered, of course. "Good afternoon, Himeko."

"_Good afternoon, Chikane-chan. How are you feeling?"_

"A little tired," I said, raising my spare hand and looking at it. Am I worried or relieved by this development? I'm not sure.

"_I see. Is there anything wrong?"_

"No, it's just been a long day," I said automatically. It's disturbing, how easily I can lie. Even to Himeko.

"_Is that so?" _Himeko asked cautiously. _"I hope you get better, then."_

"I'm just talking about myself again," I said, trying to sound playful. "How about you? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I handed in my essay. But in any case, I really called you about our date."

"I see." I put my hand on my forehead. "Have you had any thoughts?"

"A little. I don't know whether you'll like it, since we've been there already… but I really enjoyed the water park. I'd like to go there again with you. But this time, just the two of us."

"That… sounds fun," I said. "We can meet in the same place, right? No, perhaps I should come and pick you up this time."

"I don't mind. Whatever you think best. I do have one request, though."

"What is it?" I asked patiently.

Himeko breathed in for a moment. _"If it's not too much trouble, um…please wear the same swimsuit as before. I, um, really liked it, so- I'd like that."_

I flushed, trying to find my voice. "I will. I'm… glad you liked it."

"Thank you. I'm sorry, making you go through a strange request like that."

"Not at all. It's a little flattering." I smiled despite myself. "Will you have a surprise for me as well, I wonder?"

"Ah, um- that is…well, it will be a surprise, I suppose…"

I giggled. "That's fine. Don't force yourself. You were really cute in your swimsuit, as well."

"_Thank you." _Himeko sounded a little more relaxed now, as if she'd said what she had intended to say. _"I'll look forwards to it."_

"Me too, Himeko." I looked up at the ceiling. Talking to her made me more relaxed as well, but I haven't said what I know I should say. Even so, I can't bring myself to say it now. I don't want to ruin her good mood with such complex explanations… so I'm telling myself, anyway. "How is Saotome?" I asked. "Is she fine?"

"Yes, as always. Just- it seems like she's been a little more distant recently. Or perhaps I've been a little distant, I'm not sure."

"I see," I said. "That's a shame. Is there anything in particular wrong?"

"I don't think so. I mean, it's possible this is just what happens. We're both busy with university, and she has track club and all her friends there, and I have you… these things happen, though it's a sad thing."

"You haven't had an argument, right?"

"No, nothing like that. Nor for a while, anyway."

"Then it's fine. You should talk to her, in any case. It's possible she's feeling the same way, and then you can work things out."

"Yes, I suppose so. That may be for the best."

"I don't know your exact circumstances, of course," I said. "And I'm not really a person to talk about friendships. That's just my advice, all the same."

"I understand."

"Okay." I frowned. It's an odd feeling, to be advocating for the girl I used to consider a rival of a kind. I feel more secure now, in some sense knowing that Himeko likes me and needs me, just as I like her and need her. But there's still that small, dark voice in me that is happy to hear of that distance. Such dangerously possessive emotions…

"There's just one thing that worries me, though. I'm a little afraid she might have found out something about our past."

"Really?" I asked, blinking. "Is something like that even possible? She's not an Orochi, and I don't remember her at all."

"She was definitely there. She was there with me in Mahoroba, and she got hurt…I don't know how much she'd remember, since we were distant at that time as well. But she might have overheard me talking to Corona-chan."

My brow wrinkled. "Corona-chan? Who is that?"

"You know, the girl with long brown hair and green eyes. She's close to Reiko-sensei…"

"The Orochi? You were talking to one of the Orochi?" I asked urgently.

"Yes. Oh, that's right, I should have told you earlier. Miyako-san apologises for the kidnapping. Apparently, that was something Girochi ordered, and it was against the wishes of the other Orochi. He's been taken far away by Tsubasa, so there should be no problem."

"That's fine," I said, sitting up. "More importantly, you shouldn't do something so reckless as talking to one of the Orochi. Even if they've promised their truce, they're still dangerous."

"But you talk to them every now and then, right? Or you did, before Tsubasa left."

"That's… different," I said. "I'm better prepared, since I've been practising self-defence for a long time. I just don't want you to be in any danger, that's all."

"Thank you. But I'm also a Miko, aren't I? Corona-chan says some nasty things, but she's basically harmless. I think, if our circumstances are different we could have been friends."

I sighed. "You're not going to change this even if I ask, right?"

"I'm sorry, but that's right."

"Then it can't be helped. But be careful, at least." I pouted. "This kind of thing makes me worry."

Himeko giggled. _"Thank you. I will be careful. I'm more worried about Mako-chan, though."_

"Well, depending on what you were talking about, it could be a problem," I admitted. "But it seems like she's the type to ask you directly if she had anything to say."

"I suppose that's certainly true…"

"Even if she knows, it doesn't change anything about you. Perhaps honesty is best in this kind of situation." It took me a moment to notice my hypocrisy. But I was more worried about Saotome. Even if she doesn't hate me now, she would if she ever found out the truth. What kind of answer is that, honesty? Lying is best for me in this situation.

But I could never ask Himeko to do that. About this, or about our relationship. Somehow, it seems like she's so innocent it would be an unforgivable sin far beyond my own banal lies.

Taking all the sins onto myself… just like my jealousy, that is also a dangerous thing.


	43. Chapter 43

**Chains of Memory: Part 43**

I feel vaguely ashamed for breaking out the arranged marriage cliche, but hopefully I can do a little more with it than the stock 'rage against authoritarian parents' schtick. See, I have the characters rage against the authoritatian grand-parent, which is totally different...

On that note, where did all the confessions in Mako's exposition on Chikane go? If she was being accurate, random scenes throughout the anime should have been interrupted by people Chikane doesn't know confessing to her. Bonus points if this happened while she was in Orochi mode.

**

* * *

**Mother sat at the table, reading the letter I'd given her. I sat opposite her. Father stood over her. Sarah sat off to one side, looking bored, while Hizuru was in the kitchen, 'helping' Otoha-san cook. In other words, it was getting unreasonably crowded again. I wish mother would leave her PA behind, at least.

"They're serious," mother said, lowering the letter. "Or at least, they make it sound like they are. This kind of timing really is surprising." She passed the letter to father. "How to reply to this, I wonder? They're not a family we can dismiss out of hand, at least. And the same goes for Shuusei."

"You're right that it's sudden," father said, taking the letter. "Shouldn't we worry about their reason first and foremost? Are one of the sons in trouble?"

"Good point. They're straight-laced, so it's hard to believe, but it's a possibility. Sarah, write that down. I'll call some contacts later."

"Yes, yes." Sarah sighed, pulling out her laptop and starting it up. "Honestly, what generation are we supposed to be in?"

"Certainly, this kind of politically arranged marriage is a little unfashionable," mother said. "But even I'll admit that it has its place, at least for traditionalists. While I didn't choose that path, fat- Shuusei did, and he at least was happy, after a while. Insofar as that old bastard was ever happy."

"The important thing is how the child feels," father said. "Isn't that right, Kazuho?"

"Of course," mother said, sounding slightly offended. "The Otori will know this as well, or at least they should. If they thought I'd compromise my principles for an advantage in this situation, they're completely mistaken."

"I know." Father looked up from the letter briefly, giving me a worried look. "But it's Chikane's opinion that matters most."

"It's very sudden," I said weakly. "Just as you say. It's difficult to register an opinion. Whatever else, it's best if I meet him a few times for form's sake, isn't it? There's no necessity to go forwards, and rejection doesn't have to wound anyone's pride. So either way, we'll be going forwards like that, right?"

"I suppose so," mother said, resting her chin on her hands. "No, certainly. Though whether the Otori will stick to traditional forms… they're a family that styles themselves modern, old-style patriarchy or not. It's also possible they may be more forceful than we would like."

"If that's the case, we can react forcefully," father said firmly. "It's not like us to flatter people like that unnecessarily, right?"

"Certainly. Though whether you're advocating that because it's what we do, or because of what we're discussing, I'm unsure myself." Mother leaned back, putting her hands behind her head. "Of course, we have our own conditions. This can't interrupt Chikane's studies, nor will it interfere with her other duties. Whether engagement or marriage, it wouldn't be a significant matter for several years."

"Can the Otori really accept that?" I asked. "Senpai said she understood, but Enya-sama is probably different, no?"

"Perhaps." Mother sighed. "Are we looking a gift horse in the mouth, I wonder? Those sons have no fewer suitors than you do. There aren't many Japanese families left who can match our status."

"Is that the statement we want to make, though?" father asked. "In the minds of our supporters in the branch families, we stand for change, not continuity. Do we really want to remain wedded- excuse the pun- to the aristocratic paradigm? There are hundreds of rich and successful people who don't have that coincidence of blood."

"It's the opposite. To so many of the remaining traditionalists, we're too threatening as it is. Even an attempt at a traditional miai might reassure them." She sighed. "Though I doubt we'll ever be able to fully reassure them. With good reason."

"I wonder whether we have time to worry about them at all," father said.

"Perhaps." Mother sighed. "Hizuru, what do you think?"

"I think it's an excellent match, Kazuho-sama," Hizuru said smoothly. "I understand your alienation from the traditions, but we shouldn't be irrational about this. Quite apart from anything else, the sons are excellent by all accounts. Chikane Ojou-sama is best suited for an outstanding person, no matter any other considerations."

"Of course. And Sarah?"

"It's idiotic," Sarah said. "She's younger than me, and I'm too young. Besides which, has she even met these people at all?"

"Why am I not surprised by those answers?" mother mused, stretching her shoulders. "But you do both raise new considerations, I suppose."

"Are you mocking us?" Sarah asked suspiciously.

"Putting the wider ramifications aside, it comes down to just two things," mother said. "Assuming we accept the broad nature of the approach, Chikane accepts or rejects their offer. In the former case, certainly, we should move to engagement as fast as she is comfortable with to leverage this, though marriage should be deferred. In the latter case, we reject them tactfully but firmly. In either case, we should seek stronger ties with the Otori anyway. In the rejection scenario, an ideal outcome if we could deflect discussions into other terms more amenable to us. I'll consider it later. Perhaps in politics, at least, it would be safe to work together more thoroughly. Especially if I succeed in gaining influence here."

I smiled despite myself. That was such a mother-like consideration. She has a gift for this, keeping the many projects she oversees in her mind and linking them naturally. It's a little reassuring.

"There's one more thing though, isn't there?" father said. "If we accept this approach at all, there's no doubt it would be known. And in so doing, we effectively announce that we consider Chikane of marriageable age. That could cause many problems for her."

"Certainly," mother admitted. "Even if we rejected a large number of such proposals, the likely number that must at least be respected is going to be troubling. It might be best to avoid that, but such caution wouldn't be without sacrifice. What do you think, Chikane?"

"I'll do it," I said.

"You're pressuring her," father said reproachfully. He looked at me. "You know as well as us that it could become a serious problem, especially if the Otori talks break down fast. It will take up your time and energy. Our concerns don't have anything to do with this. If you don't want it, you shouldn't do it. That's all."

"I know it will be difficult." I closed my eyes briefly, taking a breath before looking straight at my parents. "Even so, I will do it. Please let me do it."

Father gave me an upset look. "Why?"

"No matter what, time won't stand still for me. When I am an adult, this is something I have to face, as a Himemiya. Perhaps the Otori are simply reminding us of that." I frowned. "I will be nineteen in a few months. And in any case, if I can't keep up with this kind of duty now, it will only hurt me in future."

"Silly girl," father said, looking away.

"I understand," mother said, ignoring him. "Leave the rest to me, Chikane. For now, concentrate on your studies. I'll contact you in advance of the first meeting."

I nodded.

"I'm impressed, though. You've become a strong person."

"You do me much credit," I said, with feeling. I know as well as father does that I've been misleading, and avoided saying the most important thing. A part of it is my ordinary fear. But my feelings as a child haven't changed… I still don't want to disappoint mother. I think that remains a weakness as much as a strength.

* * *

When I look around on a busy day like this, with so many people, so much colour, so much life, it feels like a new kind of perspective. There's no way a world like this- a large, vibrant, incomprehensible world like this- could be destroyed by a handful of people, or saved by someone like me. No, not simply someone like me. Even Chikane-chan, with her birth and her talent and her beauty that makes her feel like the main character of a historical romance, is too small, too frail, too human to have the fate of the entire world placed on her shoulders. It's humbling, and makes me feel that all of this- our dreams and memories, Ame No Murakumo, everything we call our past- are just delusions of grandeur, illusions that have for some reason settled on us and won't let go. After all, how can I validate our past? The moon is far beyond our reach, and our dreams are dreams only; even though they feel real, how can I compare our mere feelings to this grand reality? By this kind of comparison, without doubt anyone would consider us mad, sad, deluded. And that's fine. In a strange way, it's almost comforting. My feelings for Chikane are the same now, with or without our memories. No longer fearing Ame No Murakumo, no longer bearing the sins of the past, I could live like that easily enough.

But that's not our truth. Those memories are too strong, and feel too real. The Orochi exist. I can feel Chikane's shell pendant around my neck. I believe in these things. And now I can remember with a little more perspective, as well, the incomprehensible weight that was placed on our shoulders at that time. I don't think my past self ever really understood that, not in concrete terms. Even Souma saw me as the important person to protect with the world a secondary concern. Did Chikane realise? Did she understand, in her way that I can never imitate? Did she feel crushed by the overwhelming weight placed on her? I don't know; I can't ask. But our story is not a happy one, even if we let it have a happy ending now.

"What is wrong? Wearing such a thoughtful face."

I jumped, turning my head and pouting at Chikane-chan. "Ah. You startled me."

Chikane-chan giggled. "I'm sorry. Maybe I should have left you? You looked so far away, I was wondering whether I shouldn't disturb your peaceful sleep."

"I wasn't sleeping or anything like that," I said, waving my hands and smiling apologetically at her. "It's just I've been thinking about a few things. It doesn't matter too much."

"Well, we both have plenty to think about," Chikane-chan said, walking up to me and smiling. "That doesn't change. But for today, please look only at me, okay?"

I flushed, nodding. "I will. That's what I want to do, too."

"I see." Chikane-chan blinked, looking sidelong at me with her catlike, languid expression. "I'm glad."

Whenever she's like that, it's always a little exciting, even if she's teasing. I smiled to cover my bashfulness, admiring her dress. "This is from when we met for the first time, right?"

"That's right. And you… are wearing something completely different." Chikane-chan smiled. "Even for us, there can only be so many coincidences at once."

I giggled. "I suppose so. How are your parents?"

"The same as when I was talking to you yesterday," Chikane-chan teased. "And the day before that, and the day before that."

I pouted. "Fine. But I think they're interesting, so it can't be helped."

"I'm flattered. In any case, they're still fine. They're going to be entertaining some businessmen at the hotel today, so I have my flat to myself for once." Chikane-chan looked at me. "And how are you? Do you manage to finish your essay yesterday?"

"Somehow," I said, smiling weakly. "I hope we have a break soon, I'm getting tired."

"These terms really are tough," Chikane-chan said. "I'm glad I have times like this to forget about it all."

I didn't believe her for a minute, of course. Or rather, I was sure she was glad to see me, but I suspect her work is pretty easy for her. She goes suspiciously silent about herself whenever she's sympathising with my struggles; it's a little cute. Sometimes even Chikane-chan can be obvious.

"Another odd smile," Chikane-chan said, poking me playfully in the shoulder. "At least you're looking at me this time, though."

"Shall we go?" I offered, as the bus came to a stop in front of us.

Chikane-chan nodded. "Let's go."

We took open seats close to the back. I looked out of the window for a moment before returning my attention to Chikane-chan. "How is Mario Kart going? I forgot to ask, have you completed all the tournaments yet?"

Chikane-chan shook her head. "Not yet. I don't get to play as much as I'd like, and perhaps I'm being bitter, but the result appears slightly arbitrary at times. But there are people who can very consistently win online, so there should be a strong skill element as well."

"I see." I said. "Sounds tough. I wish I could play, but Mako-chan's clear that we can't afford something like that."

"I suppose they aren't cheap," Chikane-chan said. "Perhaps I should get you one for your birthday, since it's shared with mine."

"You can't do that," I said firmly. "You shouldn't spoil me."

"I know, I know," Chikane-chan said, smiling. "It really is tempting, though. I've spent so many years being unable to justify spending much for myself, even though I could. But buying you presents feels like it doesn't count."

"It counts, it counts," I said, smiling. "You can't spoil yourself like that, either."

"I see. In any case, this is a good time… or perhaps a bad one." Chikane-chan reached into her bag, pulling up a slim volume wrapped in red paper. "In any case, I should give you this before your hair gets wet. Here."

I took it hesitantly, looking at it. "Why?"

"In this kind of circumstance, it feels like I should give you something," Chikane-chan said. "But the usual things are a little conspicuous, flowers and things like that. I thought you might like something like this best." She smiled. "Open it."

I unwrapped it, taking out the manga and looking at it. "Blackberry Crisis?"

"I don't really know about these things, but I asked some of my friends, and it's supposed to be enjoyable," Chikane-chan said, scratching her cheek. "You don't have it already, do you? I could always take it back."

"No, I don't have it," I said, looking at the back cover. "But I've heard a lot about it. Thank you very much, Chikane-chan." I smiled at her. "Though you're still spoiling me, you know."

"This much is normal," Chikane-chan said. "Father always said that things like this are very important."

"Though I like it, I wonder if it's the most romantic present," I said wryly, slipping it into my bag.

"I wonder," Chikane-chan said delicately.

I flushed slightly, remembering myself. That's right, we're in public. I can't say suggestive things like that. Though Chikane-chan's also being like that, to be fair. "I'm a little embarrassed, though," I said. "All I have are some snacks I made."

"That's more than enough," Chikane-chan said, raising her hands. "I feel bad because I can't do anything like that for you. All my hobbies are just for showing off."

I giggled. "That again? Some things really don't change."

"It's true, though," Chikane-chan said. "And it's still true, even though you're doing photography now."

"You do too much anyway," I said. "It's unreasonable. But I'd like to hear you play again. Piano and violin, right?"

Chikane-chan nodded. "If you're the one listening, I'll play gladly."

I blinked, holding eye contact with her. "I'll look forwards to it." The more time I spent with her, the more I think these weekly meetings aren't enough. I just think of more things that I'd like to do with her. Go somewhere where I can take photos again. Do something Chikane-chan's interested in, but has never done. Go somewhere where we can drop our guard a little and show intimacy in public. She's so close to her, and I'd like to lean on her, but I can't. We can't even hold hands. It's hard.

"But it's just those two instruments, being so typical," Chikane-chan said, pouting. "What would people do if I liked, I don't know, jazz?"

"Do you like jazz?" I asked, giving her a dubious look.

"Well, no. It's just an example."

I giggled. "I see. So it doesn't matter too much, then?"

"Well, I suppose not," Chikane-chan said, frowning. "But it's the principle that counts."

"What kind of music do you like?" I asked curiously.

"It's strange to say, but I don't really have much preference for anything," Chikane-chan said. "I don't listen to music regularly."

"That's unexpected," I said. "Not even classical music, or things like that?"

"Not since I left Kobe, anyway. I'm sure I'd find music I'd like if I put in the time, but I never have." Chikane-chan smiled apologetically. "A boring answer, I know. But it can't be helped."

"It's fine. No one says you have to like music, after all. I was just surprised, that's all." I smiled at her. "Maybe I should try you with my pop music, and see if it makes you squirm. I like it, though."

"That could be interesting. I've never really listened to music like that," Chikane-chan admitted.

"I'll bring some next time," I said. "Even if you don't like it, it's a start, right?"

"True."

"Though it's not comparable to playing something for you myself," I said.

But still, I'd never be able to suggest something like that when I first met Chikane-chan. Even though some things have stayed the same, some things have definitely changed. And on the whole, it's definitely for the best.

It was busy when we arrived at the water park, even at this time in the morning. There were a lot of families and groups of friends as well. Some couples, as well. I wonder what we were seen as?

"It would be great if we could get through the day without anyone hitting on us," Chikane-chan said, joining the line. "Last time was beyond annoying."

"If it does happen, maybe you could be a bit more circumspect," I suggested. "You were very hard on them last time, after all."

"You think so? I thought it fair enough, considering the circumstances." Chikane-chan sighed. "People like that are a pain."

"I'm sure they were very nervous, too," I said. "Doing something like that isn't easy."

"They shouldn't do it, then, that's fine." Chikane-chan shrugged. "Well, maybe I don't have a reasonable perspective on these things. It's not like I'd ever be interested."

I blinked, surprised by her honesty. "I see. I suppose that makes sense."

"Besides, I was a little jealous," Chikane-chan said, smiling at me. "There was no way I could let them have their way in front of you, right?"

"I'm flattered. But it couldn't be helped, since you were so cute," I said. "Besides, you were wearing a bikini like that. Maybe they considered it encouraging?"

"And you're making me wear that again," Chikane-chan said lightly. "That could be a problem."

"Well, it wasn't just them who found it encouraging," I said. "Bear with it."

"The things I do…"

Chikane-chan brought the tickets again, and then we went to the changing rooms together. It was crowded but we managed to get two next to each other. I ducked into mine, closing the door behind me and putting my bag on the bench. Then I took my coat and put it aside, beginning to undress.

I barely caught a slight rustle over the noise as Chikane-chan began to do the same thing. I tried not to think about that. It's not as if I haven't seen her naked before now… in my past life, which doesn't really count, after all.

Once I'd almost undressed, I took out my secret weapon and looked at it nervously. I know it made logical sense… if I'd specifically asked for Chikane-chan to wear her bikini, it would be unfair of me to turn up in my old swimsuit again. I know that. I even chose it yesterday to be as revealing as I dared. But yesterday in the quiet of a changing room is completely different from a noisy place like this. I haven't even shown it to Mako-chan. I know my figure isn't terrible, but I don't really have any confidence. And I'm going to be next to Chikane-chan, who has a real model-like body. It's almost unfair, the degree to which that comparison will be unflattering.

But that's not the important thing. I should just forget about other people, since it's Chikane-chan I'm doing this for. But even that makes me nervous. It's ridiculous, I know. It's not as if she hasn't seen me naked before… in her past life. But that only makes me blush at the memory, something I didn't fully understand at the time. There's nothing for it, though. I didn't bring my spare for exactly this reason. So I have to go with it. I put it on, looking at myself nervously in the mirror. A pink two-piece, similar to what Chikane-chan was wearing. I frowned at myself, glad there was nothing major wrong.

There was a gentle knock on the door. "Is there anything wrong, Himeko?"

I blinked. I've probably been keeping her waiting, worrying like this. "Nothing. I'm just packing up my stuff, okay? I'll be out in a minute."

"Okay. I'm sorry to interrupt."

"Not at all." I hurriedly put my shoes at the bottom of my bag, piling my clothes haphazardly on top of them. I picked up my coat with my other hand, clumsily opening the door and staggering through. "I'm done."

Chikane-chan was leaning against the wall of the cubicle, waiting for me. She looked up, smiling at me, then blinked. For my part, the sight of Chikane's body in profile momentarily halted me. Maybe that bikini would be less revealing on other girls, but at that size there's an awful lot to reveal. I hurriedly looked up, making eye contact, only to find her doing the same thing. For a moment, we said nothing, but there was a little excitement amidst the embarrassment. We both know we were both staring at each other's bodies, as more than just friends. It's definitely the first time I've experienced something like that.

"You look… good," Chikane-chan said. "I'm surprised."

"How cruel."

"No, not like that," Chikane-chan said, shaking her head hurriedly. "That's not what I meant. I'm just surprised you wore a bikini, that's all."

I smiled, given a little confidence by her slip. "A bad surprise?"

"No. It does look good," Chikane-chan said. She smirked at me, evidently having recovered her poise. "You shouldn't tease me, though. Not more than you are already."

"Well, I'm glad I insisted, too," I said. She has beautiful eyes as well. "Though it's the first time I've done something like this in earnest."

"Me too." Chikane-chan abruptly looked around, remembering our situation. "In any case, we'd better put our things away, right?"

I nodded, following her. "Okay."

Honestly, seeing her like this for the second time, I have to wonder what I was thinking the first time. She's sexy, but it's in a dignified way. Just as ever, she has that unmistakable strength and poise… how could I not fall for her just with that? Or perhaps I was already in love with her at that time. I've never been very good with those things, after all.

I stood close by as she put her bag in the locker, then passed her mine when she turned to take it. I'm still nervous, but not as much as before. Chikane-chan's complimented me. She'd do that no matter what, but I know she was sincere this time. Feeling attractive to her… that's definitely an exciting kind of nervousness. But I can't linger on these thoughts. We have to keep to innocent things today.

We warmed up together, swimming up and down the pool several times with different strokes. Chikane-chan was as graceful as ever, holding back slightly to let me keep up. After that we tread water in the centre of the pool, looking at each other. "What do you want to do first?" Chikane-chan asked. "The slides?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "How about the wave pool? We didn't use that very much last time."

Chikane-chan nodded, swimming to shallower waters then standing and walking towards the other pool. I kept close to her, walking by her side. I didn't want to lose her in the crowd, or so I'd tell myself. Her wet hair stuck to her shoulders, dark blue against the light-blue water. "This place is as noisy as ever," Chikane-chan said. "It will probably get worse later, too."

"I don't know," I said. "There has to be somewhere out of the way in the pool, right?"

"Presumably," Chikane-chan said. "Do we want a water wing?"

I nodded. "It looks fun, right? And that way I can rest my legs a little."

"Are you tired?" Chikane-chan asked, giving me a surprised look.

I shook my head. "No. I'm just pacing myself for later, okay?"

Chikane-chan nodded, going to fetch a ring from the side of the pool. I followed her more slowly. My real reason was so I could talk to Chikane-chan more easily. Though I enjoy playing around the water, I'm here because I'm here with Chikane-chan. But it's also true I'm not very good at swimming…

"Here." Chikane-chan placed the ring between us, taking hold of one side. "How deep shall we go?"

"Let's see how far we can get, shall we?"

We took the ring between us and swam into the centre of the wave pool, despite being lifted and moved backwards every time a wave came through. We eventually settled in a good space about two thirds of the way in, treading water and looking at each other across the ring. "It's like pushing a boulder up a hill, isn't it?" I said.

Chikane-chan giggled. "Something like that." We were both lifted up by the next wave. "It's enjoyable, though. I like things like this."

"I see. That's also a little unexpected."

Chikane-chan smirked. "You have a fairly boring image of me, don't you?" She prodded me in the cheek. "I'm a little offended."

"Don't be," I said, giggling slightly as a wave lifted me up again. "It's not that your reputation is boring. Just so classy no normal person understands it."

"That sounds fairly boring to me," Chikane-chan said. "But as you know, that's not all of me." Her hair trailed in the water as she rested her chin on her arms, eyes glittering with amusement. "I've been proven amenable to soft toys."

"You like home cooking, but you can't cook yourself," I returned.

"I'm insecure about my interests, and enjoy philosophising about their insincerity at inappropriate moments."

"You've liked playing Mario Kart, ever since you were introduced to it," I said.

"Certainly. And I've worn a pendant given me by my father for more than half my life." Chikane-chan lifted herself up a little. "Even at the pool."

"I'm the same, so I can't be happy about that," I said. "But you do everything you do for your parents' sake, not for your own."

"I'm not sure I'm quite that noble," Chikane-chan said. "After all, I am here with you."

"This isn't for your parents' sake?" I said, mock surprised.

Chikane-chan nodded. "Since I can also fall in love, and wonder what to wear, and what presents would be best, and phone them evening after evening just to hear their voice… I can also do things like that."

"Me too," I said tightly. Whether anyone's watching or what, I don't really care. "I was also surprised. I only ever dreamed of doing things like this, before I met you."

Chikane-chan held my gaze for a long moment, then slipped back into the water, resting her forehead on the ring. "Thank you."

"Chikane-chan?" I asked anxiously.

"It would be great if we could remain here, just like this," Chikane-chan said. "Our past, the Orochi and Ame No Murakumo… my parents and my duty, the things I have to do… it would be great if we weren't troubled by those things, and we had just this. Considering my feelings for you, I should be happier than I am. But time won't stop for us."

I sighed, smiling at her, then reached across and touched her hand with mine. "Then let's run away. That's fine, right? We can leave everyone behind, friends and family, the Orochi… it's true that sometimes it feels everything is only in our way. And in that place, we wouldn't have any reason to hold back. It would be tough, amazingly hard. You wouldn't be able to live in luxury any more. But we're young. I think we could do it. And if I had you, sometimes I think that would be enough."

Chikane-chan looked up at me; her face lined with worry. "Himeko…"

I smiled. "You can't do that, right? I couldn't do that, either. The Chikane-chan I know would be even more unhappy, and even more guilty, if she abandoned everything else. Of course, that doesn't mean you're not going to be guilty about things here and now, either. You're that kind of person."

Chikane-chan looked at me for a moment, then laughed. "That's certainly true. Is it a bother?"

I shook my head. "No. It's reassuring, since I'm similar. I don't have confidence, I never fully trust my judgement, I tend to dwell on my weaknesses without bothering to correct them… but since I met you, I think I've been able to change a little. I'm glad you're just as you are, since it makes you the same as me."

"You say some nice things," Chikane-chan said playfully. "Though I'd find it silly if they came up in a movie."

I prodded her in the nose, a little revenge for myself. "I know. But that's fine too, right?"

Chikane-chan nodded. "Because it's you."

For that reason, a lot of things are possible. Despite everything else something like that lets us be happy, even in this world.


End file.
